A place for me to write

[newheart]

Hi Newheart-

 

Wow, that must have been hard, re-living the memory of that conversation with your daughter. Ugh. I am still at the place where I ruthlessly push all happy memories away. It hurts too much. A few weeks ago a friend of mine (he lives far away and we mostly communicate via text) was in town for dinner and I was telling him the breakup story. I was lamenting, in general terms, how great everything had been, etc.

 

Later that night he texted me and told me to go and read some of our texts from a year ago, 9 months ago, 6 months ago. I did, and it was pretty eye-opening. I had been stressed about certain things in my ex's and I's relationship throughout the entire history of it. His inability to plan as far ahead as even the next weekend, his "younger" lifestyle, how he sometimes seemed "out of sight, out of mind" in his relating to me. It was weird reading those things, because in the aftermath of the break-up, everything was perfect and wonderful, and now it was over.

 

But for, it was helpful to see that those same issues that I had complained about to my friend throughout the relationship were the ones that ended it. They never went away.

 

When I look at your older posts, I see the same pattern. The communication, etc. with your ex.

 

I know it's a cold comfort when you are just missing him, and the love, and the companionship. But it did help me, a bit, to realize there had been problems the whole time.

 

This is a huge stumbling block for me. I was single, some casual dating here and there, for a long stretch before I met my ex. I'm actually pretty independent, and pretty content being single. So, meeting someone like my ex- with so much in common, who was so fun and sweet, and who seemed to love me SO much- well, I do wonder if I will find that again. Sigh. No advice on that front, I'm afraid.

 

I just found out that my younger son, who is still in college, got accepted into a really competitive summer program. So instead of having him home for the entire summer, it will be a couple of weeks at the beginning and at the end. Last summer with my ex was amazing- we traveled, camped, hung out on the deck and grilled, just a lot of wonderful times. My younger son was home for the summer and really enjoyed hanging out with the ex, too. I'm really going to buckle down over the next week or 2 and figure out what I can do to still have a good summer. Time for some brand new activities, I think.

 

Hang in there.

 

Hi Jenny,

 

Thinking of the "good memories" is extremely painful - I wish I could push the memories away! I have the problem when I focus on all of his good. I sit and think often ... even the simple things like falling asleep together. It sounds silly, but those were some of my favorite, most cherished moments when we'd lay together and whisper about our day and our plans, and how lucky we were to have found each other.

 

Your friends observation though, there is truth to that too, and it was excellent of him to point that out to you. I think when a relationship ends, sometimes we tend to romanticize it - I look at my XBF as the person I've loved the most in my life (and this part is true), but he wasn't perfect, there were times I felt neglected by him. I have to remind myself that I had a lot of anxiety through this entire relationship, in part caused by his avoidant behavior. I took responsibility for my anxiety the entire time (rationalizing it by saying: oh, I love him so much and it is because he is the right person I am afraid of losing that is causing this anxiety, not ever considering that he may be the wrong person for me)

 

I saw a quote recently which said something along the lines of: If loving the wrong person felt this good, imagine how it will feel when you love the right person. I try to keep reminding myself of this.

 

There are times though, when I still wonder if he really was the wrong person. I have to be honest, sometimes I read things here on LS about people's bad dates or relationships and I think that while XBF was a terrible communicator and is D/A, he was (most of the time) a wonderful person who I was lucky to have known, who I had some of the best times with. If I accepted his communication styles and figured out ways to work with it, could we have lived 'happily ever after?' (You know what I mean) I have these fleeting thoughts occasionally.

 

Btw, like you, before this I was very independent. I was actually HAPPY with my single life, I wasn't looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with! I was just dabbling in dating here and there as 'something to do' when the kids were away. Then, I fell in love, and now suddenly I am in this place where I can't imagine living the rest of my life without this connection with someone. Right now, that saying "better to have loved and lost" is not resonating with me at all, I almost wish I never experienced what I had with him because I wouldn't know what I was missing out on. Does that make sense?

 

I too will have some summer related sadness ... we spent a good chunk of our summer kayaking together, hiking, went camping (my first time) which is one of my favorite memories of him. I have signed up for some volunteer work related to the outdoors, and I hope that it doesn't trigger me.

 

Congrats to your son! You must be very proud of him.

 

Thank you, again, Jenny. I really appreciate your posts and helping me get through this.

[newheart]

I had a long day yesterday, and got home later than usual last night which was probably a good thing because it limited the time I had to ruminate. Last night was four weeks exactly since the last time I saw him, sat next to him, kissed him goodbye.

 

Then, I was supposed to see him the next evening and I didn't. He never texted me that he was home from work on time, I wasn't clear that we actually had plans, and we talked it out and he seemed fine with it. He apologized for not being clear, he said he felt bad that sometimes I come over for only a couple hours and he is tired so he feels like it is a waste of my time. I told him it was never ever a waste spending time with him (and it truly wasn't, even if I saw him for an hour). We spent the next hour and a half on the phone talking ... we had plans for Saturday, everything seemed fine. Last night, me dissecting everything (again) I wondered if his sudden pull away Saturday (and his comment that I "wedge him in between my plans") was a delayed passive aggressive response to me not coming over Thursday night. What would have happened if I went to his house that night? It is impossible to know, and I suppose it doesn't really matter. I suppose this eventually would have happened anyway, right?

 

Took only half a sleeping pill last night, and dreamed that we got back together. #*)@*($_@#_$(@#)$(#% So ... I am not ready to wean myself off yet, lol.

 

I have an all day work event Saturday, son is having a friend sleep over Saturday night, so at least I will be distracted this weekend.

[jenny987]

Hi Newheart-

 

It’s so freaking hard, going through those old interactions and discussions. I do it too. I actually talked with a therapist last night. I reached out, probably during the 2nd or 3rd week after the break-up when I was in absolute agony- felt it was impacting my work (it was) and just feeling so low. Due to her schedule and mine, last night was the first time we could meet. It was interesting/horrible/good. Despite feeling better these days, as soon as she asked me to tell her about the relationship (we had a very brief phone consult when we set up the appointment, so she knew it was relationship related) I started sobbing and probably didn’t stop for the whole hour. Yikes.

 

A couple of things I took away, that may or may not be interesting to you:

 

Because I had been single for so long before our relationship is why I am feeling so devastated right now. The fact that I was “casually dating” means I did want to meet someone. And I did- and it was like all those old pipes got flushed out in a rush. I was bombarded with love, affection, sex, companionship, etc. She said that this pain I feel is like my heart cracking open again. Oof.

 

We talked a bit about my feelings about my kids being launched into the world, and how I didn’t know what to do with myself next, and meeting someone, and being a couple took that weight off my shoulders, because I didn’t have to think about that- I could just think, well, I’m with (ex)- that’s my future! And now that weight is back, because I do have to think about what I want to do, now that “active” parenting is coming to an end.

 

We discussed how (cue huge sobbing) because my ex is very conflict-avoidant (he never once brought up any issues in the relationship) and also most likely very commitment-phobic (50, never married or lived with a gf, stated he felt like he just didn’t want to take anyone else’s feelings into consideration when he made choices, etc) that he will most likely not contact me again. And that he is probably sad, but also relieved. And that makes me feel horrible right now, but is much better in the long run. So hard to accept that.

 

That we were seeing the relationship through 2 different lenses. When he did stuff like meet my family, and bring me around his, and encourage me to become close with his friends, etc- he was doing what felt good in that exact moment. For me, it was a “sign” that he did want a future, and a life together, and that is a huge disappointment.

 

She asked me at one point what I felt I had contributed to the relationship ending (if anything). I told her a bunch of things I regret- that I over-reacted at times, and didn’t communicate well at times, and was too critical about some stuff. She listened to it all without comment, and at the end, said- ‘I have been a therapist for 15 years, and all of your mistakes rank pretty low on things that kill relationships. If there are two healthy people who want the relationship to progress, and can confront and talk through issues, then those things are non-issue and are resolved with a healthy, open conversation.’ That did bring me a bit of relief.

 

It was emotionally exhausting! But I made another appointment- I think it will be good to talk things out with her, at least for a while. One concrete piece of advice she did give me- when I start thinking about things and going in circles, she said to say out loud “What purpose does this serve?” LOL- I said that quite a few times today, and you know, it did help me move on in that moment.

 

Thanks for allowing me to hijack your thread so often. I hope you are hanging in there. Glad to hear you have a busy weekend coming up!

[newheart]

Hi Newheart-

 

It’s so freaking hard, going through those old interactions and discussions. I do it too. I actually talked with a therapist last night. I reached out, probably during the 2nd or 3rd week after the break-up when I was in absolute agony- felt it was impacting my work (it was) and just feeling so low. Due to her schedule and mine, last night was the first time we could meet. It was interesting/horrible/good. Despite feeling better these days, as soon as she asked me to tell her about the relationship (we had a very brief phone consult when we set up the appointment, so she knew it was relationship related) I started sobbing and probably didn’t stop for the whole hour. Yikes.

 

A couple of things I took away, that may or may not be interesting to you:

 

Because I had been single for so long before our relationship is why I am feeling so devastated right now. The fact that I was “casually dating” means I did want to meet someone. And I did- and it was like all those old pipes got flushed out in a rush. I was bombarded with love, affection, sex, companionship, etc. She said that this pain I feel is like my heart cracking open again. Oof.

 

We talked a bit about my feelings about my kids being launched into the world, and how I didn’t know what to do with myself next, and meeting someone, and being a couple took that weight off my shoulders, because I didn’t have to think about that- I could just think, well, I’m with (ex)- that’s my future! And now that weight is back, because I do have to think about what I want to do, now that “active” parenting is coming to an end.

 

We discussed how (cue huge sobbing) because my ex is very conflict-avoidant (he never once brought up any issues in the relationship) and also most likely very commitment-phobic (50, never married or lived with a gf, stated he felt like he just didn’t want to take anyone else’s feelings into consideration when he made choices, etc) that he will most likely not contact me again. And that he is probably sad, but also relieved. And that makes me feel horrible right now, but is much better in the long run. So hard to accept that.

 

That we were seeing the relationship through 2 different lenses. When he did stuff like meet my family, and bring me around his, and encourage me to become close with his friends, etc- he was doing what felt good in that exact moment. For me, it was a “sign” that he did want a future, and a life together, and that is a huge disappointment.

 

She asked me at one point what I felt I had contributed to the relationship ending (if anything). I told her a bunch of things I regret- that I over-reacted at times, and didn’t communicate well at times, and was too critical about some stuff. She listened to it all without comment, and at the end, said- ‘I have been a therapist for 15 years, and all of your mistakes rank pretty low on things that kill relationships. If there are two healthy people who want the relationship to progress, and can confront and talk through issues, then those things are non-issue and are resolved with a healthy, open conversation.’ That did bring me a bit of relief.

 

It was emotionally exhausting! But I made another appointment- I think it will be good to talk things out with her, at least for a while. One concrete piece of advice she did give me- when I start thinking about things and going in circles, she said to say out loud “What purpose does this serve?” LOL- I said that quite a few times today, and you know, it did help me move on in that moment.

 

Thanks for allowing me to hijack your thread so often. I hope you are hanging in there. Glad to hear you have a busy weekend coming up!

 

Hi Jenny,

 

I don't feel like you are hijacking my thread - it is really helpful to go through this side by side with someone (as much as it sucks, too!)

 

I am glad to hear you spoke with someone. It sounds like, while difficult to discuss, it was productive to you. It feels good to gain some insight as to why we feel the way we do, or at least to know we aren't crazy. I can understand your simultaneous sadness and relief from understanding that we will never hear from our avoidant ex-partners again ... although right now I am more sadness. I have to keep reminding myself though, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone whose connection is so shallow to me that he can just walk away and never return.

 

Happy Friday!

[newheart]

I'm having a hard time this morning. My heart feels like there's a void, an emptiness;I 'm low on hope, I don't understand why I'm not just as deserving of love. How have I been so stupid or blind to not see this? It feels difficult to breathe.

[Zahara]

I'm having a hard time this morning. My heart feels like there's a void, an emptiness;I 'm low on hope, I don't understand why I'm not just as deserving of love. How have I been so stupid or blind to not see this? It feels difficult to breathe.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. It would sound like I'm trivializing your feelings by saying it's normal but you're suffering a loss. You're grieving. I want you to remember that it won't always be this way. Just stay with what you're feeling and let it pass, because it will.

 

He has left a void. And you're feeling that hole in your heart. There's no denying that when someone leaves, they've taken a part of us. But you'll get that back.

 

We're all deserving of love. Sometimes we don't get to find it in someone else. And that's okay.

 

It's not just happening to you. I think most of us on LS have felt that despondency. But I promise you that when this pain has lifted, you'll begin to see hope again.

 

Try to get out of bed. One step at a time. One little goal at a time.

 

PS: check your email.

[newheart]

I'm sorry you're hurting. It would sound like I'm trivializing your feelings by saying it's normal but you're suffering a loss. You're grieving. I want you to remember that it won't always be this way. Just stay with what you're feeling and let it pass, because it will.

 

He has left a void. And you're feeling that hole in your heart. There's no denying that when someone leaves, they've taken a part of us. But you'll get that back.

 

We're all deserving of love. Sometimes we don't get to find it in someone else. And that's okay.

 

It's not just happening to you. I think most of us on LS have felt that despondency. But I promise you that when this pain has lifted, you'll begin to see hope again.

 

Try to get out of bed. One step at a time. One little goal at a time.

 

PS: check your email.

 

Thank you, Z.

 

I made it through the day ... it was extremely busy, which helped. Today, not so much. I know I will get through this, I do. I know this happens to most everyone, at some point in their lives, sometimes multiple times in their lives. And I am not at all minimizing everyone's experiences - it is painful as hell for all. I guess I just feel sorry for myself, that after all I have been through, I thought this could be someone I spent the rest of my life with. Ugh, so cheesy.

 

****************

 

So today's update ... I plan on doing some spring cleaning. Whenever I get some energy. I feel so drained all the time, it's frustrating. I have a lot of projects I want to do ... paint and redecorate the kid's bathroom, declutter some areas, throw stuff away. Getting moving is the problem ...

 

I miss his family, and the time we spent together as 'family' ... hanging out in the backyard playing yard games and barbecuing, taking a day trip to visit a historic site, going to a museum. I never had that with my own family, which probably makes this all that much more of a loss.

 

His mom was at his house in last night's dream. The details are now fuzzy, which I m grateful for. I know it wasn't a pleasant dream, we were breaking up/broken up. Then again, no dreams with him in them are pleasant right now - the good ones where nothing is wrong are equally, if not more so, heartbreaking.

 

I hate that I still even care.

Edited March 5, 2017 by newheart

[newheart]

I woke up at 5:21 am from a dream in which the exact thing that caused (well, probably not caused but the final straw) our breakup happened. He had canceled seeing me on a Thursday night, and I said it was fine, we'd get together Friday and do x, y, z. Then suddenly it's Friday, and he's again telling me (via text) that he isn't seeing me, that I was too busy and he had something else to do anyway. I was trying to tell him that I wasn't too busy, that I had made these plans including him, but it didn't matter ... he didn't care. He didn't want to see me. The fear, the pain, the emptiness all comes back.

 

And then I woke up and realized this will always stay with me. As if I need yet another flaw in my ability to relate to or connect with others ... that now, in addition to my abandonment issues, every time someone cancels plans, I am going to believe this is the end. I know myself, and I won't be able to shake this. I will move on, I will superficially 'heal', but I will never really recover.

 

I fell in love with someone who so easily neglected me and walked away like it was nothing, despite how hard I worked to allow myself to be vulnerable for the first time in my life. He said it was not an easy decision - of course it was. He didn't even have to say anything. Silence, a text, and he's gone.

 

I also lay there this morning, realizing that I have to come to terms that sometimes, people just don't get the whole package in life. I am fortunate, I have many things I never dreamed I'd have: I was homeless during a period in my childhood, I now own my own home. I grew up hungry, witnessing daily domestic violence and substance abuse. I have created a life for my children in which they'd never experience those horrific things. I grew up with a mom who never asked how school was, who made me miss days to keep her company when her partner was off on a binge, who made me drink with her to keep her company, in a household where the word college was never, ever discussed. Yet, I got my degree as an adult and worked my way up the ladder. I have truly wonderful children, really great kids, and I feel blessed.

 

The one thing I could never succeed at was finding someone I loved, who loved me, to share this all with. And maybe it really isn't meant to happen. Maybe I need to be grateful for all that I have.

 

I am exhausted. I put on a happy face and go through my work day, and work is stressful, but I know I am not performing at 100%. Then I get home and there isn't much left for my kids. Each day I say I am going to take better care of myself, and I don't. I am just tired.

[Kellens]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad newheart. I had a very similar childhood to yours and I have done well at my job by climbing up the ladder as well so I can relate to your feeling of self worth. I also have abandonment issues and it has caused me to be very insecure when it comes to my relationships.

I know how it feels to believe that you're not worthy of love, because deep down I think I still feel the same way. I try hard every day to tell myself

how amazing I am, it works better some days than others but I'll never stop trying!

 

I went through a really bad break-up 2 1/2 years ago and it was the worst experience of my life. Even now I can't think about how bad I felt at that time because I'm worried that the bottomless feeling in my heart will come back again. When someone walks away so easily, it takes a big toll on your self worth and ego. It took me 2 months to feel normal and 3 months to finally feel a moment of happiness and freedom. You will get there, I know after that first moment of freedom, I had setbacks but it slowly got better from there. Keep on writing here everyday, I used to keep a journal at work in a word document and it was probably 40 pages at the end of it. It was extremely therapeutic for me. I hope you have a dreamless night tonight *hugs*

[newheart]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad newheart. I had a very similar childhood to yours and I have done well at my job by climbing up the ladder as well so I can relate to your feeling of self worth. I also have abandonment issues and it has caused me to be very insecure when it comes to my relationships.

I know how it feels to believe that you're not worthy of love, because deep down I think I still feel the same way. I try hard every day to tell myself

how amazing I am, it works better some days than others but I'll never stop trying!

 

I went through a really bad break-up 2 1/2 years ago and it was the worst experience of my life. Even now I can't think about how bad I felt at that time because I'm worried that the bottomless feeling in my heart will come back again. When someone walks away so easily, it takes a big toll on your self worth and ego. It took me 2 months to feel normal and 3 months to finally feel a moment of happiness and freedom. You will get there, I know after that first moment of freedom, I had setbacks but it slowly got better from there. Keep on writing here everyday, I used to keep a journal at work in a word document and it was probably 40 pages at the end of it. It was extremely therapeutic for me. I hope you have a dreamless night tonight *hugs*

 

Thank you, Kellens. I am sorry you've had a similar past. I do think it makes it more difficult for us to heal, probably more because it takes so much more effort to become invested, to let someone in. For me, at least. Thank you for the encouragement, I appreciate it!

[newheart]

I slept better last night. Not dreamless, but nothing of substance that I recall, nothing to make me wake up heartbroken.

 

Today is one month since we last had our last regular conversation. 2 hours on the phone catching up about work since I hadn't seen him in a few days, made plans for the following day (the ones he subsequently canceled). The last time I heard his voice when everything was okay.

 

I realize I pulled more than my own weight in this relationship. I was 'blinded by love' (sounds so damn stupid, but I don't know how else to put it) so I didn't mind constantly going above and beyond. I thought it was what you did when you loved someone. I didn't notice the imbalance, because I never paused to really see what would happen if I stood still for a moment.

 

Until I was faced with the fact that given a choice, he'd opt to not make any effort at all.

 

I don't think he had any clue of the work that went into taking care of a family and household, but also making time for him. It was like running around living two lives, so much so that amidst my heartbreak, there was a moment that I acknowledged a little relief, a reprieve from this double life I had allowed myself to fall into. I can't fall into that trap again.

 

Some lessons I have learned so far for myself:

 

1. Communicate clearly, communicate often. Don't wait for the right moment and let three months go by, planning how and when to have a conversation.

2. If something makes you feel uneasy, there is something behind this feeling. Listen to your gut.

3. Do wait before introducing kids, like I had, but at some point recognize that if you fail to be able to integrate our lives together, it isn't going to miraculously change.

4. When you love someone, just say it. This may be an odd lesson coming out of a relationship, but there were times early on where I was afraid to respond to him or afraid to tell him how I felt. If I never feel that way again about someone, I might have missed the boat on this experience.

[jenny987]

Hi Newheart-

 

I’m glad your dreams were a bit better. It’s a stumbling block for me too- the dreams.

 

I had unexpected house guests over the weekend- so that was a distraction.

 

One area that I have been thinking about is how “unfair” it seems at times. I have been struggling- moving ahead, yes- but struggling. Missing him still so badly at times. I know he is not struggling the same way. He’s a very “live in the moment” type of person- doesn’t look back very much, and doesn’t think about the future. He has a million friends and projects, loves going out, loves getting out of town at a minute’s notice, etc. I live a quieter life, which just leaves much more room for thinking about stuff, missing him, etc. I just have to keep telling myself I was very happy before I met him, and I can be happy again.

 

I have been reaching out to some out of town friends, and have made some plans for a few visits with them this summer, so that will be good. I actually bought some plane tickets last night for a trip in June, and it felt good to do that.

 

So, I’m pressing ahead. I am OK most of the time now. Every once in while it hits me like a punch to the gut- I am never going to see him or talk to him again. It seems so ridiculous and just not “right” somehow. But from reading the stories on here that seems like a pretty normal reaction.

 

I see you are thinking about what you were doing a month ago, relationship-wise. I find myself thinking about what I was doing a year ago. It’s hard, because last spring was when things really seemed to “click” for us. I had some doubts in the beginning, due to lifestyle differences, his lack of long-term commitments, etc., but last spring things really seemed to fall into place and we both seemed 100% committed and in love. Sigh. I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow, and I’m actually looking forward to it, in a weird way.

 

One thing I truly regret is that last email I sent to him. It was a long, pour my heart out kind of thing. I talked about mistakes I had made, how I felt about some mistakes he had made, and said we should not give up without trying to work through things. I told him to contact me when he wanted to talk. I feel by sending that I have opened myself up to a world of hurt. I feel like I will either eventually receive some response full of “I’m sorry but…” or just never get a response. I don’t know which is worse. At this point I would rather not receive a response, because I could not bear to read the platitudes, but on the other hand, who doesn’t at least respond to something like that? Something to talk about in therapy, I guess, lol.

 

I love your list of lessons learned. I think that is a healthy way to think about things!

[lovely81]

Love this thread, NewHeart and Jenny, you both are so thoughtful.

 

I read somewhere to think of three things you would like someone who loved you to do every day and then do them yourself. I've been giving it a whirl, and it's pretty cool!

 

Interestingly, none of them are things that I actually asked the men I've been interested in to do. Why am I surprised/not surprised . . . They're actually all things they've been historically bad at doing! (Supporting my diet, encouraging my writing, encouraging improvement at work.)

[newheart]

Love this thread, NewHeart and Jenny, you both are so thoughtful.

 

I read somewhere to think of three things you would like someone who loved you to do every day and then do them yourself. I've been giving it a whirl, and it's pretty cool!

 

Interestingly, none of them are things that I actually asked the men I've been interested in to do. Why am I surprised/not surprised . . . They're actually all things they've been historically bad at doing! (Supporting my diet, encouraging my writing, encouraging improvement at work.)

 

Thank you, lovely! That is sweet ... feel free to keep reading and join in!

 

Thank you for the suggestion. Maybe eventually I will be able to do this ... sadly, the only thing I can think of that I really wanted someone to do for me is to just be with me, physically and emotionally.

[newheart]

Hi Newheart-

 

I’m glad your dreams were a bit better. It’s a stumbling block for me too- the dreams.

 

I had unexpected house guests over the weekend- so that was a distraction.

 

One area that I have been thinking about is how “unfair” it seems at times. I have been struggling- moving ahead, yes- but struggling. Missing him still so badly at times. I know he is not struggling the same way. He’s a very “live in the moment” type of person- doesn’t look back very much, and doesn’t think about the future. He has a million friends and projects, loves going out, loves getting out of town at a minute’s notice, etc. I live a quieter life, which just leaves much more room for thinking about stuff, missing him, etc. I just have to keep telling myself I was very happy before I met him, and I can be happy again.

 

I have been reaching out to some out of town friends, and have made some plans for a few visits with them this summer, so that will be good. I actually bought some plane tickets last night for a trip in June, and it felt good to do that.

 

So, I’m pressing ahead. I am OK most of the time now. Every once in while it hits me like a punch to the gut- I am never going to see him or talk to him again. It seems so ridiculous and just not “right” somehow. But from reading the stories on here that seems like a pretty normal reaction.

 

I see you are thinking about what you were doing a month ago, relationship-wise. I find myself thinking about what I was doing a year ago. It’s hard, because last spring was when things really seemed to “click” for us. I had some doubts in the beginning, due to lifestyle differences, his lack of long-term commitments, etc., but last spring things really seemed to fall into place and we both seemed 100% committed and in love. Sigh. I have my second therapy appointment tomorrow, and I’m actually looking forward to it, in a weird way.

 

One thing I truly regret is that last email I sent to him. It was a long, pour my heart out kind of thing. I talked about mistakes I had made, how I felt about some mistakes he had made, and said we should not give up without trying to work through things. I told him to contact me when he wanted to talk. I feel by sending that I have opened myself up to a world of hurt. I feel like I will either eventually receive some response full of “I’m sorry but…” or just never get a response. I don’t know which is worse. At this point I would rather not receive a response, because I could not bear to read the platitudes, but on the other hand, who doesn’t at least respond to something like that? Something to talk about in therapy, I guess, lol.

 

I love your list of lessons learned. I think that is a healthy way to think about things!

 

Hi Jenny,

 

How was your session yesterday? I hope you had another productive one!

 

I do the one year thing too, but for now I think I am too close, it is all too recent so I am stuck on the month. But one year ago was when he first said ILY, and I just can't think about that right now. One month ago today was when our relationship ended. Well, to me at least, the night he canceled and shut me out again.

 

I can relate to you feeling it is unfair. I am positive my XBF has also not been affected in the same manner. He was (is) an introvert and not the same socially as your X, but seems to similarly lack the deep connection or is able to disconnect and ignore quickly. When we got into the argument in October, he refused to speak to me and until I picked up my belongings and left him a letter three weeks later, he didn't have a clue what the hell we were fighting over because he never let me explain. He fully planned on just never speaking to me again. Although we reconciled after he read the letter and realized he had screwed everything up, it was always in the back of my head that he wasn't emotionally invested in this relationship as me. And not just me - I see a pattern from how he described his marriage and past relationship. He was broken, and knowing his past, I allowed that to become an excuse to settle for less than I deserved.

 

I know he isn't suffering the way I am, as you say your ex may not be either, but the flip side is this: they probably also don't have the ability to deeply love someone, and that is their loss.

 

I am sorry you regret sending him the email - I can honestly say that you and Zahara saved me from doing the same thing last week when I drove past him on my commute. (more on that in a moment) It bothers me though, I still have questions and I am still confused on what happened, though it doesn't matter. Anyway, I can imagine the anxiety of leaving that open ended, and I totally get preferring to have no response. Can you block his email address? This way, if he does respond, he will get the message that the email doesn't exist and will understand that his response is no longer relevant. I know, I know how hard that is to do.

 

On a positive note, I again passed him this morning. While sad, I didn't have the same reaction as last week where I was a mess. I wonder what he thinks when he sees me. Anyway, in a couple days his office hours change and I won't pass him on the morning commute again for months.

 

One day at a time ...

[newheart]

Despite seeing him and yesterday being the 1 month anniversary of everything, I thought I had an okay day and decided to try the night out without any sleep aids. I have had two nights without XBF dreams, so I thought it was good to go.

 

Until 5 am when I awoke from a dream in which I watched from the street as he remarried his ex wife, family all around happy and hugging them. My BFF and her husband were in attendance. His ex wife looked gorgeous ... they looked happy. In my dream, it was exactly one week since we broke up, and he was getting married. I don't need to elaborate on how that made me feel.

 

Back to unisom.

[jenny987]

Hi Newhart-

 

I'm glad to hear that seeing your ex on the road wasn't as painful this time. Small steps.

 

My 2nd therapy session went well. Not quite as much crying

 

I wanted to work on getting out of this cycle of thinking and re-thinking everything. Her thoughts were that interesting. She said that when we are suffering, the "lizard" part of our brain is like - "OK. I must figure out exactly why this happened so it never happens again." So, it goes over and over the same things, trying to figure everything out and make sense of it all so it won't happen again. But our higher functioning self realizes that not everything (especially when it comes to other people's behavior) is explainable, makes sense, etc. She feels like I have a pretty firm grasp on why this relationship failed, and then when I start going down the ruminating on the relationship trail, I think or say "I have learned all the lessons I am going to from analyzing this relationship."

 

We also talked about my boundaries, and why I feel so stupid for getting involved with a man whose life style was so different from mine. She said I can't evaluate the choices made 18 months or a year ago with the information I have now. It's not fair to myself. Yes, there were red flags, but when you are casually dating someone, and getting tons of positive stuff from them, you don't know the seriousness of those flags. We talked about points at 9 months, a year in, when I probably should have done some serious re-evaluation.

 

We also talked about how I still feel so ugh about the final email I sent. She was like "Eh. I work with people on their relationships all day. Sending a single email a few weeks after the relationship ended doesn't even register on the scale for me. It's not inappropraite. If you hadn't sent it, you might be consumed with thoughts of 'does he know that I didn't want this?'

 

So I really do have to let that go.

 

Finally, we talked about sleep, and how I am not getting enough of it and it's making me off-kilter. So I have implemented a new "sleep hygiene" regime. Warm shower before bed, back to using my clock radio as an alarm and leaving my cell phone charging downstairs, doing a 10 minute meditation before I go to bed. It's helping so far. I've gotten a couple of good nights sleep and feel much more stable, emotionally.

 

Hope you are doing well!! (hugs)

[newheart]

Hi Newhart-

 

I'm glad to hear that seeing your ex on the road wasn't as painful this time. Small steps.

 

My 2nd therapy session went well. Not quite as much crying

 

I wanted to work on getting out of this cycle of thinking and re-thinking everything. Her thoughts were that interesting. She said that when we are suffering, the "lizard" part of our brain is like - "OK. I must figure out exactly why this happened so it never happens again." So, it goes over and over the same things, trying to figure everything out and make sense of it all so it won't happen again. But our higher functioning self realizes that not everything (especially when it comes to other people's behavior) is explainable, makes sense, etc. She feels like I have a pretty firm grasp on why this relationship failed, and then when I start going down the ruminating on the relationship trail, I think or say "I have learned all the lessons I am going to from analyzing this relationship."

 

We also talked about my boundaries, and why I feel so stupid for getting involved with a man whose life style was so different from mine. She said I can't evaluate the choices made 18 months or a year ago with the information I have now. It's not fair to myself. Yes, there were red flags, but when you are casually dating someone, and getting tons of positive stuff from them, you don't know the seriousness of those flags. We talked about points at 9 months, a year in, when I probably should have done some serious re-evaluation.

 

We also talked about how I still feel so ugh about the final email I sent. She was like "Eh. I work with people on their relationships all day. Sending a single email a few weeks after the relationship ended doesn't even register on the scale for me. It's not inappropraite. If you hadn't sent it, you might be consumed with thoughts of 'does he know that I didn't want this?'

 

So I really do have to let that go.

 

Finally, we talked about sleep, and how I am not getting enough of it and it's making me off-kilter. So I have implemented a new "sleep hygiene" regime. Warm shower before bed, back to using my clock radio as an alarm and leaving my cell phone charging downstairs, doing a 10 minute meditation before I go to bed. It's helping so far. I've gotten a couple of good nights sleep and feel much more stable, emotionally.

 

Hope you are doing well!! (hugs)

 

Hi Jenny,

 

I feel like you have found a great therapist - heck, I am learning from her just based on what you are sharing here! I have felt for some time, even before my breakup, that I had maximized all I'd get from my therapist and I may need to consider a new one. I felt like my progress had stalled, we sat gossiping like girlfriends about my relationship, analyzing my XBF's behavior more than my own. That is never a good sign.

 

I am not doing well with the analyzing ... some days I am okay, some days I am not. I have to remember this as well.

 

I don't know, I had a good Friday, then Saturday started off okay and ended not great with multiple ex dreams in which I kept waking up. Blah. I was in bed 12 hours and I still feel exhausted (I didn't sleep all of those hours - I lost track of how many times I woke up and laid there).

 

The tears are definitely fewer. Sometimes, I even feel a glimmer of hope for my future. Today, I am missing him.

 

Maybe I will try to steal your sleep routine, lol.

[newheart]

Ugh, so tired this morning. After so many hours of sleep Fri and Sat, I just couldn't sleep last night.

 

A year ago, I sent him a cookie bouquet for St. Patrick's Day - shamrock and leprechaun cookies, with a card that said "so lucky to have you" ... I thought it was cute, being that we were both Irish. I really felt lucky, I said it to him often, we both said that often. I've read that many D/As can feign their way through the first 6 months, the honeymoon period. That was certainly true in his case ... until suddenly he refused to communicate. It went from missing me and being so happy with me, to needing his independence yet simultaneously, me not being available enough? Of course I couldn't make this work, he couldn't express what he wanted or needed but held me to his unspoken expectations. When he wanted to see me more, I made every effort to be there mid week, weekends, a couple times on the weekends when I couldn't stay over. But then suddenly he felt obligated to be available when I was, and then it is over. No discussion, no compromise, no effort. He just 'didn't think he was what I needed' - and he was right about that, but for different reasons.

 

9 or so hours until I can go back home again. There's an impending snowstorm, and as much as I don't want to shovel snow, I am looking forward to possibly being snowed in tomorrow, sigh. I am so tired.

[airborne3502]

Ugh, so tired this morning. After so many hours of sleep Fri and Sat, I just couldn't sleep last night.

 

A year ago, I sent him a cookie bouquet for St. Patrick's Day - shamrock and leprechaun cookies, with a card that said "so lucky to have you" ... I thought it was cute, being that we were both Irish. I really felt lucky, I said it to him often, we both said that often. I've read that many D/As can feign their way through the first 6 months, the honeymoon period. That was certainly true in his case ... until suddenly he refused to communicate. It went from missing me and being so happy with me, to needing his independence yet simultaneously, me not being available enough? Of course I couldn't make this work, he couldn't express what he wanted or needed but held me to his unspoken expectations. When he wanted to see me more, I made every effort to be there mid week, weekends, a couple times on the weekends when I couldn't stay over. But then suddenly he felt obligated to be available when I was, and then it is over. No discussion, no compromise, no effort. He just 'didn't think he was what I needed' - and he was right about that, but for different reasons.

 

9 or so hours until I can go back home again. There's an impending snowstorm, and as much as I don't want to shovel snow, I am looking forward to possibly being snowed in tomorrow, sigh. I am so tired.

 

 

Just thought I'd poke my head in and thank you for this journal. It has been tremendously helpful to me during a blindsided breakup.

 

I wrote about it here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/616855-s-our-birthday-will-there-any-contact-my-ex

 

How it's been helpful has been most unusual.

 

Reading about your journey allows me to let myself off the hook for a while and not join you in that awful, mournful, place. Wanting to reach into the monitor and pull you out of that situation allows me to do it for myself. I hope that soon you are able to allow yourself vacations from your heartache as well.

 

The pain will recede. It always does.

[newheart]

Just thought I'd poke my head in and thank you for this journal. It has been tremendously helpful to me during a blindsided breakup.

 

I wrote about it here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/616855-s-our-birthday-will-there-any-contact-my-ex

 

How it's been helpful has been most unusual.

 

Reading about your journey allows me to let myself off the hook for a while and not join you in that awful, mournful, place. Wanting to reach into the monitor and pull you out of that situation allows me to do it for myself. I hope that soon you are able to allow yourself vacations from your heartache as well.

 

The pain will recede. It always does.

 

Hi airborne,

 

Thank you for your post. I am glad to hear that my journal has helped. When I read this last night, I went through and read it from start to finish myself. I do see progress, even though I have days where I slip back into the "why, what could I have done differently, will I find this again?" thought pattern.

 

I read your post as well and am going to comment over there in case you don't come back to this thread, lol.

Edited March 14, 2017 by newheart

[newheart]

I am stalling going back for round two of shoveling. We have over two feet of snow already, and it is still going. Ugh.

 

A weird-ish thing happened at therapy yesterday. We spent the first half discussing where I am on my breakup, reassessing some things (which honestly, don't need to be reassessed but it's my thing), and the second half discussed a couple things related to my relationship with my parents. Mostly, it went like this:

 

Me: I read an article about the pancake theory. I can relate to this because of syrup and butter and etc. etc. (Obviously, pancake theory is a pseudonym for something else)

Her: *regurgitated what I just said*

 

It went on like this with her not adding anything new to the conversation, and basically affirming my beliefs on my research. And I've mentioned a few times that I feel like my progress has stalled, or as a friend pointed out, maybe I have 'learned' all I am going to learn from her, maybe I have already achieved what I was set out to with her. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit, and that is a possibility. (Not to imply that I am "cured", but that I need to pursue different avenues with someone else at this point)

 

At the end of the session, I was walking out and we were talking about our schedule the next few weeks, and she mentioned to me that if I needed to come in less often because I was no longer in a relationship, I can do that. I guess this surprised me because I am not in therapy because of my relationship, although my past most greatly impacts me in the area of my personal relationships. And it annoyed me, knowing my life history, doesn't she understand that? Mostly, it just confirmed to me that I have maxed out my potential in working with this particular therapist. I am no longer focusing on the root of the issues with her. I need to address why I have the fears I do, and how to change my mindset. My ability to have a healthy relationship will follow. So, I think I will be therapist shopping. (Not that I am discounting the work I have done with her - I think she was good and I accomplished what I could with her)

 

I also will be taking a small break before I look for a new therapist. Sometimes, I feel like constantly analyzing everything in my life is more detrimental than helpful. Even here, while I am so appreciative of everyone here and the support I receive, sometimes I need to take a break for my own mental good, to be able to have a reprieve from the relationship, the breakup, thinking about relationships, dating, etc.

 

I also want to change the tone of what I am writing here ... I know the purpose is to heal, get over, dare I say learn - from this break up. But I need to be a little more positive, so I am going to incorporate something positive into what I write each day. Not that I won't continue to be a sad sack, I am sure I will, but I have to start to see the sun between the clouds, so to speak.

 

I overslept this morning - I didn't set my alarm anticipating a snow day (which we definitely had!) but I didn't expect it to be quarter to 10 when I woke up! In the meantime, missed calls and texts from staff, whoops! I did take a half a unisom last night, and didn't wake from any sad or disturbing dreams. I can't wait for the day I can say that, without sleep aids, lol.

 

I suppose if I want to get out of my driveway at all tomorrow, I better go back out and shovel. I need to stay on top of things. Amidst this blizzard, I am thankful for my warm home protecting me, and my daughter who is like the coach when it comes to getting us all out of the house to shovel!

[BluesPower]

You need a new therapist...

 

At the very least she could enlighten you are to her opinion or various studies or articles that you are looking at.

 

Or point you to anther book or article that she things would help you.

 

My T had a tricky way of asking questions that would make me realize something I needed to get. She also, had a tricky of getting me to feel my emotions about things. That sucked, but I guess I needed to learn that stuff.

 

I am now a very sensitive, self aware man, now. It also did not help that she was smoking hot, but she was a good therapist.

[newheart]

Ryan Adams - To Be Without You

 

It's so hard to be without you

Lying in the bed, you are so much to be without

Rattles in my head that empty drum filled with doubt

Everything you lose, the wisdom will find its way out

Every night is lonesome and is longer than before

Nothing really matters anymore

 

It's so hard to be without you

Used to feel so angry and now only I feel humble

Stinging from the storm inside my ribs where it thunders

Nothing left to say or really even wonder

We are like a book and every page is so torn

Nothing really matters anymore

 

It's so hard not to call you

Thunder's in my bones out in the streets where I first saw you

When everything was new and colorful, it's gotten darker

Every day's a lesson, things were brighter before

Nothing really matters anymore

 

It's so hard to be without you

Everyday I find another little thread of silver

Waiting for me when I wake some place on the pillow

And then I see the empty space beside me and remember

I feel empty, I feel tired, I feel worn

Nothing really matters anymore

[newheart]

I keep listening to this song, which is heartbreaking yet, I don't cry. I recognize that there is nothing to recoup from us, I am sad but accepting, if that makes any sense. It was what it was, and I am grateful for the happy times we had. I did think a lot about him on the way home, picturing his green eyes for some reason. He is the first, only, man I dated with green eyes. They were warm, kind eyes. They were indicative of who he can be, who he is perhaps, just not with me.

 

I thought about a year ago ... corned beef and cabbage with his family, perfecting the Reuben afterwards at his house, lol. I helped his mom make an (odd) green cake, spilling maraschino cherry juice all over myself. It made me smile to remember.

 

I am not sure how I will be tomorrow. I spent the night baking for coworkers, kept myself busy ... Irish soda bread, Irish soda bread cookies, Guinness chocolate cupcakes. Laid my clothes out for work - green dress for the daytime, jeans and shamrock shirt for afterwards. I will hit happy hour with some friends, so I think it will be good to get out and do something. I am a little worried though that I will come home alone and it will only hit me a little harder. I can't help but wonder what he will do tomorrow night.

 

But, I have to choose to let go so that I can move on, and I think I am doing an okay job. When I stop dwelling in the past, I will recognize the possibilities for the future.