A place for me to write

[1fish2fish]

((Hugs!))

 

I'm so sorry you're so stressed out. And to not have a partner that wants to lighten your load, or at least try, makes things exponentially worse.

 

I have no advice, but I wish you peace with whatever decisions you need to make.

[BluesPower]

I am feeling unloved / unlovable today. What a pathetic confession, but true.

 

Work has been a terrible mess of stress lately. I have a stressful job on it's best days, but we are going through a restructure and I have had to inform many people or some not so pleasant employment changes, and it is wearing on me.

 

BF has wanted to spend more time together lately, and I can't keep up. Until this week, when, the moment I can't be there, the wall raises. The blinds close. He goes in his cave. Whatever you want to call it ... I knew it would happen. I couldn't see him a couple times this week, and last night when I finally did, he was very distant. When I don't see him and I am excited to see him, it is like it has the opposite effect with him and it creates a rift. The more time I spend with him, the happier he is/closer we are. But life is not that simple, there are work and family obligations. I don't know, maybe I am reading to much into last night, but overall this week hasn't been great.

 

I am losing steam ... work, kids, him, I am spread so thin. I woke up repeatedly last night, a broken hearted feeling heavy in my chest. I no longer think it is even worth talking to him about. He isn't the same person I fell in love with, his caution and lack of ability to be vulnerable with me is suffocating what could be. It must seem bizarre to others, I only come here to talk about the negatives, and why the hell am I still trying this? It isn't all negative, there is so much good to him, and we have such a good time together. But I can't hang my happiness on him when it is so precarious.

 

I am close to making the call, it is just a matter of - do I bother talking about it, or do I just walk away? Which will be less painful in the long run, which will cause me fewer regrets? Sigh.

 

You know that is funny in a way... One of my things I am able to do for women, besides the obvious, is calm them down.

 

I really don't think about it. I just listen and give encouragement and that seems to be what they want.

 

I am not really sure why it is a big deal, I just want them to be calm and happy so we can have a good night.

 

I am not really sure why every guy does not do this, but then, there a more things that I don't understand than things I do understand.

[newheart]

You know that is funny in a way... One of my things I am able to do for women, besides the obvious, is calm them down.

 

I really don't think about it. I just listen and give encouragement and that seems to be what they want.

 

I am not really sure why it is a big deal, I just want them to be calm and happy so we can have a good night.

 

I am not really sure why every guy does not do this, but then, there a more things that I don't understand than things I do understand.

 

It shouldn't be a big deal, and a little encouragement is great. I'd be happy with a long hug, to be honest, even if no words could be said .... I guess my issue is more how much I give, give, give, and how little I get. He get's weird and doesn't know how to respond when I am upset, and I cut him a lot of slack. But what I realize is then I don't turn to him when I am upset, or stressed, and how fair is that?

 

Last week he was sick ... out of 5 weeknights, I had meetings two evenings that it didn't work out to see him. I texted and called every day to check on him. Despite everything going on in my life, the other three nights I brought him dinner each night. Then, over the weekend, he had to work extra long shifts (storm) and I didn't see him at all. While he was working, I went to his house and dropped off another home cooked meal, cupcake, and a cute card telling him to hang in there, as a nice surprise when he got home. We chatted on the phone, he thanked me, but it was a thanks like you'd get from someone you held the door for.

 

Monday I realized - what the hell am I doing? I decided I wasn't going to initiate any contact, and I didn't reach out to him. He had another long day, he texted me a couple times and I responded. Tuesday, nothing. Wednesday, and I am thinking - is this how it ends? We just don't say anything to each other?

 

I guess I should talk to him ... I guess this didn't work, and I should tell him how I feel and say goodbye. But I am hurt, because I feel that his failure to let me in ... blah blah blah ... I have to collect my thoughts.

[Lloyd4Christmas]

I don't really have any advice for you, but just reading through your recent posts, it sounds like you are making all the effort and he is taking you for granted. I've been there and it's a terrible feeling. Relationships should be 50/50 not one sided... I have to remind myself that as well

 

Good luck with what ever you decide.

[newheart]

Thanks, Lloyd. I realize that is more frequently the case.

 

I took a step back, stopped initiating contact on Sunday, he reached out Sunday and Monday, and then I haven't heard from him all week. Yet, I am the one who feels guilty as knowing that I am the driver in this relationship, I worry that he is sitting home clueless and stubborn enough to not reach out and ask what is going on. Despite everything and all the pain I have endured, I still don't want to hurt him.

 

Every time I get a text, I hope that it isn't him. That I can make a clean break. How sad is that?

 

I can't walk away from someone I have loved the better part of 2.5 years, even through the break, and just not say a word and disappear. It just feels wrong (even though he is kind of doing the same thing). On the other hand, I don't want to talk about it, because I am afraid that I will crack. Right now I am sad, but it is manageable. I am focusing on work and kids and looking forward to the spring and having time to myself to do things I enjoy. If I talk to him, I have to speak the words and acknowledge that this is really, truly over.

 

It still seems like the right thing to do ... and now, we are in this awkward not-speaking few days, and I don't know even know what to say. Hey, disappeared on you all week, you disappeared on me too ... want to talk? Ugh.

[Kellens]

I'm sorry that you're going through this Newheart

 

I am a giver, just like you, and it takes a toll when you're not getting anything back. I truly enjoy doing things for the people that I love and it is the worst feeling when I don't think I'm being appreciated.

 

It seems like your gut is telling you that you shouldn't be with him but your heart is telling you something else. I know how difficult it can be which is why I can't tell you that you should walk away but I would suggest that you try to focus on other things. From what I read, you are a very busy woman, so that helps but there must be something that you enjoy doing where you can mostly close yourself off from thoughts of him. Or at least numb the pain a bit. Baking and listening to music helps me clear my thoughts and so does taking a long walk and listening to depressing or angry music, but that's just me

 

I'm having my own relationship problems and sometimes I feel like I get so obsessive and stuck in my thoughts that I'm not seeing the real picture. It's hard to decide what would be best for you because life is so short and nobody wants to waste time. Ughhh I don't feel like I've been helpful here but I do wish you the best. Sometimes I forget to check this section for you but I'm always hoping for some positive news. Keep on posting please

[newheart]

Thank you, Kellen. Thank you so much. It means a lot ... wow, a year later? More than ... to still have people caring about me.

 

I am pretty certain that it is done.

 

I haven't contacted him all week, I needed some space. Like I said, he reached out a few times Monday, but nothing since. He knew I had a tough day Monday, and I was disappointed in his distance, as usual. I set a deadline (to myself) to talk to him about our status by 3/18, the six month mark of our reconnecting. Six months, and we spend more time together than we ever have, but no intimacy.

 

Last night I suggested we talk, he said he "figured out what was going on" based on our last conversation and that he didn't see what good a talk would do. (He assumed I was breaking up with him) To be fair, I was counting on this. I know, sounds crazy. But I knew his D-A self wouldn't want to hear what I had to say, so this gave me the opportunity to email him. Maybe I am just as screwed up ... but I am emotionally exhausted.

 

I said my goodbyes to a man I've loved the better part of 2.5 years, more than anyone I've loved before, via email.

 

And, tomorrow is a new day, everyone.

Edited March 11, 2018 by newheart

[newheart]

March 17th. Here I sit in my Ireland flag socks, shamrock leggings and Irish Mets t-shirt feeling sorry for myself.

 

I really have done well ... I've not even shed a tear the last two days, although I suppose that isn't representative of internal feelings, but it is a good sign for me. I have driven past his house, our favorite restaurant, the sidewalk where we had our first kiss ... nearly twenty times in the last two weeks, have to drop my son off at his sports practices. I've done so well - at first had to consciously make myself not look, and progressed as much as I even forgot as I was passing a couple times this week. All good. Today, not so much ... driving by, I glanced over at his house and saw he wasn't home, and figured he was off celebrating our holiday with someone else, as stupid as that sounds.

 

My happy hour plans are cancelled, kids are all off doing there own things, and I am just feeling sad. Wondering if I made a mistake, if I should have had this conversation with him sooner before this happened.

 

I'll be having my obligatory Guinness alone tonight.

[BluesPower]

March 17th. Here I sit in my Ireland flag socks, shamrock leggings and Irish Mets t-shirt feeling sorry for myself.

 

I really have done well ... I've not even shed a tear the last two days, although I suppose that isn't representative of internal feelings, but it is a good sign for me. I have driven past his house, our favorite restaurant, the sidewalk where we had our first kiss ... nearly twenty times in the last two weeks, have to drop my son off at his sports practices. I've done so well - at first had to consciously make myself not look, and progressed as much as I even forgot as I was passing a couple times this week. All good. Today, not so much ... driving by, I glanced over at his house and saw he wasn't home, and figured he was off celebrating our holiday with someone else, as stupid as that sounds.

 

My happy hour plans are cancelled, kids are all off doing there own things, and I am just feeling sad. Wondering if I made a mistake, if I should have had this conversation with him sooner before this happened.

 

I'll be having my obligatory Guinness alone tonight.

 

I am sorry... I know that it hurts.

 

I had to breakup with a girl that I really loved, wow, that one hurt a ton. I still love her, not the same way of course, but it is there.

 

You know that you will heal, and you know it will take time, and we all know it sucks.

 

And remember, not that you are ready by any means, but when you least expect it you can and will find love.

 

I happened to me, it is so good that we both can't believe that it is real and that it happened. We were both not looking for anything.

 

I was not seeing (or sleeping with any women) at the time as I was in time out from a previous break up.

 

Go ahead and cry, and move forward. I cried about the one above even though I broke up with her and I am a guy.

 

Just take your time and heal. And remember, no one can say that you did not try to work, because you did.

 

Sometimes it just does not work, I wonder if those hurt worse or not. I don't know, they all hurt to some extent.

 

Hang in there...

[TeddyPSmith]

I am sorry... I know that it hurts.

 

I had to breakup with a girl that I really loved, wow, that one hurt a ton. I still love her, not the same way of course, but it is there.

 

You know that you will heal, and you know it will take time, and we all know it sucks.

 

And remember, not that you are ready by any means, but when you least expect it you can and will find love.

 

I happened to me, it is so good that we both can't believe that it is real and that it happened. We were both not looking for anything.

 

I was not seeing (or sleeping with any women) at the time as I was in time out from a previous break up.

 

Go ahead and cry, and move forward. I cried about the one above even though I broke up with her and I am a guy.

 

Just take your time and heal. And remember, no one can say that you did not try to work, because you did.

 

Sometimes it just does not work, I wonder if those hurt worse or not. I don't know, they all hurt to some extent.

 

Hang in there...

 

 

Man this is poignant. I broke up with a girl last year (same girl that broke my heart recently, hence me spending hours on this site). I loved her tremendously but we had so many issues. It tore me apart and I went back to her. I should have stayed gone. We tried again for a year and she eventually broke up with me. I would STILL love to stupidly try again but she may have a better resolve than I.

 

 

Good luck to you Newheart

[newheart]

This Year, Let Go Of The People Who Aren’t Ready To Love You

Brianna Wiest

https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2018/12/next-year-let-go-of-the-people-who-arent-ready-to-love-you/

It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and it will also be the most important: stop giving your love to those who aren’t ready to love you.

Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want to change.

Stop showing up for people who are indifferent about your presence.

Stop prioritizing people who make you an option.

Stop loving people who aren’t ready to love you.

I know that your instinct is to do whatever you can to earn the good graces of everyone you can, but that is also the impulse that will rob you of your time, your energy and your sanity. When you start showing up to your life wholly and completely, with joy and interest and commitment, not everyone is going to be ready to meet you there.

It doesn’t mean you need to change who you are. It means you need to stop loving people who aren’t ready to love you.

If you’re left out, subtly insulted, mindlessly forgotten about or easily disregarded by the people you spend the most time with, you’re doing yourself an incredible disservice by continuing to offer your energy and life to them.

The truth is that you are not for everyone, and everyone is not for you. That’s what makes it so special when you do find the few people with whom you have a genuine friendship, love or relationship: you’ll know how precious it is because you’ve experienced what it isn’t.

But the longer you spend trying to force someone to love you when they aren’t capable, the longer you’re robbing yourself of that very connection. It is waiting for you. There are billions of people on this planet, and so many of them are going to meet you at your level, vibe where you are, connect with where you’re going.

… But the longer you stay small, tucked into the familiarity of the people who use you as a cushion, a back burner option, a therapist and a ploy for their emotional labor, the longer you keep yourself out of the community you crave.

 

Maybe if you stop showing up, you’ll be less liked.

 

Maybe you’ll be forgotten about altogether.

 

Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will cease.

 

Maybe if you stop texting, your phone will stay dark for days and weeks.

 

Maybe if you stop loving someone, the love between you will dissolve.

 

That doesn’t mean you ruined a relationship. It means that the only thing sustaining a relationship was the energy you and you alone were putting into it.

That’s not love. That’s attachment.

The most precious, important thing that you have in your life is your energy. It is not your time that is limited, it is your energy. What you give it to each day is what you will create more and more of in your life. What you give your time to is what will define your existence.

When you realize this, you’ll begin to understand why you’re so anxious when you spend your time with people who are wrong for you, and in jobs or places or cities that are wrong, too.

You’ll begin to realize that the foremost important thing you can do for your life and yourself and everyone you know is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.

Make your life a safe haven in which only people that can care and listen and connect are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving people.

You are not responsible for convincing them they want to be saved.

It is not your job to show up for people and give away your life to them, little by little, moment by moment, because you pity them, because you feel bad, because you “should,” because you’re obligated, because, at the root of it all, you’re afraid to not be liked back.

It is your job to realize that you are the master of your fate, and that you are accepting the love you think you’re worthy of.

Decide you’re deserving of real friendship, true commitment and complete love with people who are healthy and thriving.

Then wait in the darkness, just for a little bit… … And watch how quickly everything begins to change.

 

 

[newheart]

Interesting to go back and read my heartbreak and the process, so many years back.  Hard to believe it is nearing the end of 2021, and here I still am, with (up until recently) not much change to report over the last several years.  It has been a blur of more of the same with him.  Other than, I am finally out of the relationship.  It is different this time, I see it for what it was, I appreciate the good times but know there were many unhealthy aspects too.  I ended it, I was firm.  And, I don't have any desire to ever, ever return. 

And, I am so embarrassed to admit I held on years longer than I should have, I held on years longer than the actual "good" part of our relationship!  Hoping for that first year to return, which never did. It is really humiliating to look at what I put into this, and that my effort was never matched. 

I wasted so many years.

It feels so good to be free.