Moving for long distance relationship with child

[C1602]

I met my ex in June 2014 on holiday, after this holiday we became inseperable spent every weekend together and we're madly in love. We always spoke of me moving to him as I don't have much support in my hometown and he had his own mortgage and a good job and we would have a better quality of life. We both wanted this so much but I have a child from a previous relationship and I had just started University so I needed to complete that. Anyway after a while our relationship became quite toxic the distance put a lot of pressure on us and we had a lot of arguments and we decided to call it a day. 6 months later we ended up getting back together this time things were amazing, and we decided that I was going to move to him within the next few months, I spoke with my daughters dad and we agreed that he could have her half of the school holidays and 3 weekends per month and we would meet halfway to pick and drop her off on a Friday and Sunday. We were all set to move I had handed in my months notice on my job and my months notice on my home and had arranged for my daughter to start a school there as she was due to start reception. We then had an argument where things got heated and he told me he couldn't stand me and we couldn't move to him anymore. I was so upset and felt like I had been taken for a complete mug. I drove home and waited for a few days and when he didn't get in touch I went to my mum to ask for help to find somewhere else to live and luckily my manager let me retract my notice on my job. Me and my mum found a new house for me and my daughter and then he started to text to say he was sorry and if we could still come but I was so scared that me and my daughter would be made homeless so I said no. We signed for the house with my mum as a guarantor and then I found out i was pregnant so I told my ex partner he begged me and begged me to keep it and as much as I wanted to I had to think about my daughter now and whether I could risk us being homeless again and I had an abortion, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done and I've carried a lot of guilt ever since.

7 months have past and I'm so down and depressed and feel like I can't live my life without him, I have got in touch with him and we met up last night we spoke about everything and he got really really upset like sobbing about the fact we nearly had it all and lost it. But he can't seem to see that i was so scared he would tell us to leave again and I'd have no one or nothing again. We have decided to take things slow and start over however I need advice, I feel like if things go well with me and him and I moved like I want to will this affect my daughter as she has to move school, she would still see her dad the same amount we would just have to travel an hour each way and back a week and would it be selfish of me to move, I worry that my mum will be upset with me as she helped me and now I've gone anyway. I really am so miserable and I know that I'll never find anyone I love this much or anyone that I want to start a family with again it's just such a mess that he lives 2 and a half hours away. Please can someone help I'm so so upset and confused

[d0nnivain]

Unless you have an independent reason to want to live in the new location, I would not move.

 

 

Can you even move? With a child would the court allow the move?

 

 

Also to go from LDR to living together is a bad idea. You need to go to the new location & set up your own house so you two have at least 1 year & date conventionally for a while.

 

 

What happens if your relationship breaks up after you get there? Do you have enough money to move back? What about work? What does all this instability & moving do to your child?

[C1602]

Unless you have an independent reason to want to live in the new location, I would not move.

 

 

Can you even move? With a child would the court allow the move?

 

 

Also to go from LDR to living together is a bad idea. You need to go to the new location & set up your own house so you two have at least 1 year & date conventionally for a while.

 

 

What happens if your relationship breaks up after you get there? Do you have enough money to move back? What about work? What does all this instability & moving do to your child?

 

 

Hi,

Thankyou for your reply. Yes I can move as I'm in the UK and it's only 2 hours away, I completely agree on the two houses situation but that kind of defeats the object of me moving to be with my partner. Last time my child wanted to go as she loves him a lot and would still see her dad the same, if not more with us splitting the holidays, however I am not so sure how she would feel right now. I am due to finish university in 2 months and I need to apply to a training programme for probation which pays very well and has various locations within the UK so that would be my next step if I were too move. However everything is so confusing, I keep on telling myself that we must be coming back together for a reason we must have something special for us to keep going back to each other x

[Ronnys93]

Move, but don't move in together JUST yet. Make a plan to live closer until a time period that you both can figure out as a team. Then move in. There's just too many what ifs in this situation and a child is involved. And while your child may WANT that, you are the adult in the situation. You need to be responsible here. Living closer is not the same as living together, and you both need some time to see if you are compatible actually living together. The fact that you both have had one separation already means you need to proceed with the ultimate caution. You may want each other back, but once the spark flares away will you go back to arguing? Think about these things, take it S L O W!

[C1602]

Move, but don't move in together JUST yet. Make a plan to live closer until a time period that you both can figure out as a team. Then move in. There's just too many what ifs in this situation and a child is involved. And while your child may WANT that, you are the adult in the situation. You need to be responsible here. Living closer is not the same as living together, and you both need some time to see if you are compatible actually living together. The fact that you both have had one separation already means you need to proceed with the ultimate caution. You may want each other back, but once the spark flares away will you go back to arguing? Think about these things, take it S L O W!

 

Thanks so much for the reply. Yeah I am planning on taking things very slowly I just obviously only hear what he thinks is best and what my friends and family think and obviously they don't want me to leave. So it's nice to have an outsiders opinion. I'm not planning on moving any time soon I just need to know what I'm going to do before we get so close again and end up in the same situation. I really want to commit to him and if I didn't have my daughter I would have been gone 2 years ago but I'm really trying to do best by everyone

[Ronnys93]

Thanks so much for the reply. Yeah I am planning on taking things very slowly I just obviously only hear what he thinks is best and what my friends and family think and obviously they don't want me to leave. So it's nice to have an outsiders opinion. I'm not planning on moving any time soon I just need to know what I'm going to do before we get so close again and end up in the same situation. I really want to commit to him and if I didn't have my daughter I would have been gone 2 years ago but I'm really trying to do best by everyone

 

I think you're doing the right thing by really thinking about it. Just remember that you and your daughter come first

[justwhoiam]

after a while our relationship became quite toxic

It really looks like it.

 

7 months have past and [...] I have got in touch with him and we met up last night [...] We have decided to take things slow and start over

I think you did the wrong thing.

 

I need advice

Understandably.

 

I feel like if [...] I moved [...] this [will] affect my daughter

I feel it already did. That night when you went to him and decided to start over, where was she? And the night when he said you couldn't move to him anymore, where was she? And while you were depressed for 7 months, where was she?

 

I worry that my mum will be upset with me as she helped me and now I've gone anyway

She'd have a right to feel that way. But most certainly, she will be worried about you. I am, and I don't even know you.

 

I really am so miserable

Yes, I see that. You shared a very miserable story with us.

 

I know that I'll never find anyone I love this much or anyone that I want to start a family with again

That sounds like a curse. He's not a keeper. He did something very bad to you and no amount of justification will be able to make up for it. Actions speak louder than words, and you're just going by words again.

 

You have a past relationship gone wrong already. A daughter to take care of. Please go to a therapist who will be able to let you see through your situation better. Who will be able to let you see if that man is good for you or not.

 

I think it never stopped being toxic.

 

I fail to see how you can even consider getting back with him. Someone who abandoned you after committing to you. Leaving you when you were most fragile, without a roof on your head and no job. Rage got the best of him. He's not someone you can trust.

 

The least you can demand now if he's really serious about you is that he leaves his job to move to where you are now, and start dating while living separately, and see how things go. Chances are he'll never do that, and you are ready to leave everything for this?

Edited February 20, 2017 by justwhoiam