Here today gone tomorrow. s Welcome

[BeyondConfused1n]

There are certain things people will not compromise on no matter what dude. It's what we call a dealbreaker and it seems your situation is an example of that. You could reach a middle ground if you negotiate, but that would be a deal that isn't ideal for neither of you. There will be resentment from both sides and you will have to learn to cope with this together.

 

 

WomenWubber - Thank you for your feedback.

 

 

I asked her once why she thought it would be fair for me to give in and fully committee to her ideas of how we should live with the dogs (sleeping with them) and her not having to change a single thing. Her answer was she figured over time as we "fell in love" I would learn to love her dogs and I would also sleep with them like one big happy family. So obviously she had expected me to change everything about how I feel about dogs, all the while I would have liked her to simply set boundaries for the dogs where were to not have the dogs in the master bedroom, carpeted areas, or the kitchen. I felt that we work to hard to allow the pets to destroy the entire house. By destroy I mean the wear and tear from jumping around by two larger dogs, the slobber stains, the smell, the dog hair, water strains getting dragged all over the floor / carpet.

 

 

Also, even as one big happy family. If you have children. You don't sleep with them as it causes attachment and codependence issues. Much like her dogs have now.

 

 

I realize that this isn't an ideal deal for the both of us, but its a fair deal. Neither one of us is giving up everything while the other getting nothing. That's the whole point of compromising. And yes, we will have to learn to cope with this together, but that takes two.

[Maldives]

Thank you for the reply Goodguy05

 

 

That's has to be very hard to see your EX at work daily. There's no way I would be able to deal with that. I don't know how you do it.

 

 

The 50/50 thing and her approach to this to me seams a bit questionable. I asked her if there was another guy, but of course the answer to that was no. Part of going through this you lose some real core values the relationship once held. Like Trust, Bond, or commitment. That's all out the window, which may or may not ever come back. I dunno. I might be overthinking this part at this point, but its a feeling that is there.

 

 

I think she is 50 / 50 on seeing a therapist as she says she is unsure where that will lead us. She is somewhat up to finding a new therapist, but she just keeps saying she is not sure where that would put us. In my opinion - You do it and find your answer. Running from a problem never fixed a damn thing.

 

 

So my ex ended things over Text as well, which was pretty damn low in my book. Another tall tail sign of how she views all this I guess. She made it clear she didn't think we had a future and how she thought it would be best for both of us to move on and find other people, but it felt pretty low since I know a lot of our arguments were directly related to the dogs, which things got more negative as we probably both withdrew within the last month. Not totally disconnected. I mean we would still act very much like we were in a relationship, but not how we normally would be.

 

 

It's a lot of pain to bare for the person that was left behind (myself) in order to try and either pull away (NC) or try and fight for a relationship the other person may have already checked out from. Whether the right path is trying to fight for the person, or just walking away. I dunno. I'm trying to do the best I can with this, and try to exhaust everything I have before I myself check out and throw in the towel. One can only take so many hits before its time to move on...

 

 

Relying on a therapist to even entertain an idea of having our relationship already does play on my mind. Will this be a crutch that will always be needed to work out any issues that could surface in the future? Why is it that we cannot work out our difference together because we care / value / love one another? Just some thoughts, but at this point. I am willing to see what a therapist could help with. Because simply going to a therapist isn't going to fix our problems. She (I am committed obviously) has to be willing to compromise, and that's part of the reason we are here in the first place.

 

 

Yes it's hell working wth her believe me I am thinking how to solve this problem lol I've got a cpl options good news is I got a better position in the company more money hopefully this team sits on the opposite end of tbe building away from hers that's a big chunk of the problem solved lol in my case. I'm jusing taking it day by day til I come up wth a good plan.

In ur case yes I can understand those questions and I agree once they break up the longer it goes on ghetto more it breaks ie trust etc I agree. I read this post the other day on a break up podcast btw highly recommended Google breakup podcasts some ull relate even to ur situation. Anyway ghetto post was "u cannot expect the person who broke u to fix u". Deep I know think about it and stew over it as i did the reality of that really hit me hard because it's so true. Once it's broken it's like putting glass back together again not rulling out rekindling ur love but from wat I've read about how u feel the onis is definatly gonna be on her to rebuild all that trust thats been I won't use strong language let's call it "effected" lol. She has to literally I belive prove it to u and that cld take time and plenty of reassurance she's not gonna do this to u again. That's the problem wth breakups. I have a story of my ex wife. We were together in total 10 yrs. She broke up no contact on my end for 3 mths till it dawned on me **** she's moved on then I contacted aND apologised profusely and tried to make it work. Over the course of a mth I got a shattering of texts heee and there which gave me some hope but then she'd go cold. After almost 5 weeks of this she told me to leave her alone and I thought it's over i really did I felt like I did all i cld. Went over thailand fell for this Thai girl was in love and didn't at that point give the ex wife much ghought she'd really helped me move on. Anyway we didn't work out but at that point started seeing someone else I didn't feel as strong as my feelings for the Thai girl but nonetheless my head was in a good place. The ex wife must hav somehow picked up the vibe I'd moved on then she contacts me and wants to work it out. Boy lol it did my head in ithe brang me back all the way tof wen we just split and guess wat happenned she started going hot and cold . I later learnt there's always been som guy in the background she worked wth now there married so it all made sense that why I say if there hot n cold be careful there's usually more to it wen they r like that. Anyway her contacting me like that set me back she then wanted a divorce wrn pressed her on wat she wanted to do because she wasn't being straight wth me. It ****ed my relationship that I'd just started and took me yrs to finally get over the ex wife. So the whole point I'm trying t o make cause she does sound a little indecisive be very very warude if they oscillate bwtwèn wat they wanna do re ur relationship. Anyway dude big man hug and hope u make the right decision here and really use ur discernment and common sense because the heart sometimes can cloud good judgement good luck to both of us

[SevenCity]

SevenCity - Thanks for the reply, and sharing your story.

 

 

Anytime there a person feels they are putting in more effort than their partner that over time will start to cause friction. There's just no way around that. A relationship has to be mutual, and give and take equally. I would have done the same thing you did and try to push for reconciliation, much like I am doing now, but it has to be equal from both sides. If it's not. You just get the same result as you already had gotten. I'm sure it was painful for you, much like it is for me right now, but at the end of the day. At least you could say you did what you could and it still ended. At that point. There's no looking back. No going back.

 

 

The lack of her putting in the effort to me is a big red flag at this point. If I have another conversation with her, and we cant seem to come to a mutual agreement of how we can try to move forward. With therapy included. At some point. I will need to throw in the towel as well.

 

 

I am trying to look at this from both persons point of views. Not sure how related this example is, but if I was a smoker for the last 20 years (I am not) and I started dating this girl that did not like it, but tolerated it, and after a year we were fighting over it more frequently. I too would have a choice to make. Walk away from the relationship over smoking and my refusing to stop smoking, or find a compromise that works for the both of us. Maybe I don't smoke around here at all, or finally. Stop smoking altogether because I really do love this person and wouldn't want to lose her. Is smoking the same as a dog. No obviously it is not, but the point was that smoking is something that person has done, does, obviously loves doing it and would need to compromise to keep their relationship going. IF they cared enough about the relationship to begin with.

 

In my case my ex didn't feel I loved her because she felt I didn't show it. I sure showed it once we initially broke up but it was too late by then. The hurt she felt I wasn't able to undo.

 

In your case it sounds like your ex felt smothered. Using your example it's like you were nagging her about smoking in the bedroom. She was fine with it and you were the one with the issue. Now that you are gone she doesn't have to hear you complain anymore. She now feels free and no longer smothered by you which is why she is only half heartedly trying at this point.

 

Your only options are to try and work things out (which it sounds like it won't work given her current state of mind) or walk away telling her if she does want to work on it to give you a call.

 

It's a tough position to be in because you don't know what will be the outcome of either.

 

But the bigger issue is how you feel about the situation. Is the dog smell / behavior really the problem or is it her putting them ahead of you? In reading what you've written it sounds as if you don't don't want to be second to the dogs (understandable).

 

If you walk now that could be it forever. However, it may give her the realization of what life is without you and cause her to feel anxiety to the point where she will become willing to negotiate.

 

Tough call.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Yes it's hell working wth her believe me I am thinking how to solve this problem lol I've got a cpl options good news is I got a better position in the company more money hopefully this team sits on the opposite end of tbe building away from hers that's a big chunk of the problem solved lol in my case. I'm jusing taking it day by day til I come up wth a good plan.

In ur case yes I can understand those questions and I agree once they break up the longer it goes on ghetto more it breaks ie trust etc I agree. I read this post the other day on a break up podcast btw highly recommended Google breakup podcasts some ull relate even to ur situation. Anyway ghetto post was "u cannot expect the person who broke u to fix u". Deep I know think about it and stew over it as i did the reality of that really hit me hard because it's so true. Once it's broken it's like putting glass back together again not rulling out rekindling ur love but from wat I've read about how u feel the onis is definatly gonna be on her to rebuild all that trust thats been I won't use strong language let's call it "effected" lol. She has to literally I belive prove it to u and that cld take time and plenty of reassurance she's not gonna do this to u again. That's the problem wth breakups. I have a story of my ex wife. We were together in total 10 yrs. She broke up no contact on my end for 3 mths till it dawned on me **** she's moved on then I contacted aND apologised profusely and tried to make it work. Over the course of a mth I got a shattering of texts heee and there which gave me some hope but then she'd go cold. After almost 5 weeks of this she told me to leave her alone and I thought it's over i really did I felt like I did all i cld. Went over thailand fell for this Thai girl was in love and didn't at that point give the ex wife much ghought she'd really helped me move on. Anyway we didn't work out but at that point started seeing someone else I didn't feel as strong as my feelings for the Thai girl but nonetheless my head was in a good place. The ex wife must hav somehow picked up the vibe I'd moved on then she contacts me and wants to work it out. Boy lol it did my head in ithe brang me back all the way tof wen we just split and guess wat happenned she started going hot and cold . I later learnt there's always been som guy in the background she worked wth now there married so it all made sense that why I say if there hot n cold be careful there's usually more to it wen they r like that. Anyway her contacting me like that set me back she then wanted a divorce wrn pressed her on wat she wanted to do because she wasn't being straight wth me. It ****ed my relationship that I'd just started and took me yrs to finally get over the ex wife. So the whole point I'm trying t o make cause she does sound a little indecisive be very very warude if they oscillate bwtwèn wat they wanna do re ur relationship. Anyway dude big man hug and hope u make the right decision here and really use ur discernment and common sense because the heart sometimes can cloud good judgement good luck to both of us

 

 

 

In your case - Moving far away from her even to as far as the other side of the building I'm sure helps tremendously. Still not sure how you are able to pull through that working with them. That's definitely tough.

 

 

I'm not really sure what to expect anymore. We finally had a conversation for nearly three hours last night. Her whole domineer has changed. She has shifted a lot of the blame on me as to why she has pulled away and no longer wants to have anything to do with me. She's saying she is to the point that when we talk now it gives her anxiety and she doesn't ever see us having another chance. Let alone seeing one another. She feels the negative comments while we were having heavy topic conversations as the relationship was struggling in the last month or two is her other contributing factor for pulling away, but still a lot of focus is that being with me she wont be able to sleep with her dogs and that is not a compromise she is willing to make, or how she feels like she would have to compromise so much of her life just to be together. That was news to me since a lot of the things she kept bringing up we discussed and moved on, but its like she remembered and brought up every single argument / comment she didn't like and used that as just another reason to move on. From the most part - All I heard from her is how she cant, cant, cant, and cant do anything. While out of the duration of our relationship she's the one with the most time on her hands. Ugh. So confused and now drained. Hurt.

 

 

I asked her if there was anyone else involved, but she keeps saying no. She doesn't want to date anyone for a while and she just wants to be single and go out with her friends and be free to do whatever she wants. At this point its very hard to believe her.

 

 

Been reflecting on all of this. Less than a month ago, I knew we had problems, but in no way did I see this right around the corner. Even just two weeks ago she create a pretty nice note telling me how she loved me and left it in my office. I knew we had issues as we had discussions many times, which at times seemed to have went nowhere because a lot of them were related to the dogs and the living situation with them. Since we've had that come up a handful of times.

 

 

Big hug to you as well. As of right now. The decision has been made by her and she is sticking to it. She's over it, and doesn't see me like she used too and simply cannot see me like that.

 

 

I'm drowning in pain while this person just picked up and move on as if she been single for the last year with nothing more then what appeared to have been a simple flip of a switch.

[BeyondConfused1n]

In my case my ex didn't feel I loved her because she felt I didn't show it. I sure showed it once we initially broke up but it was too late by then. The hurt she felt I wasn't able to undo.

 

In your case it sounds like your ex felt smothered. Using your example it's like you were nagging her about smoking in the bedroom. She was fine with it and you were the one with the issue. Now that you are gone she doesn't have to hear you complain anymore. She now feels free and no longer smothered by you which is why she is only half heartedly trying at this point.

 

Your only options are to try and work things out (which it sounds like it won't work given her current state of mind) or walk away telling her if she does want to work on it to give you a call.

 

It's a tough position to be in because you don't know what will be the outcome of either.

 

But the bigger issue is how you feel about the situation. Is the dog smell / behavior really the problem or is it her putting them ahead of you? In reading what you've written it sounds as if you don't don't want to be second to the dogs (understandable).

 

If you walk now that could be it forever. However, it may give her the realization of what life is without you and cause her to feel anxiety to the point where she will become willing to negotiate.

 

Tough call.

 

 

 

I'm not sure smothered is the right word. What she didn't want was like she said was to feel controlled when it came to her dogs. She wanted to maintain no boundaries for her dogs. Plus at this point she has from somewhere convinced herself that everything was my fault. I mean she literally was talking about stuff we discussed throughout the year as if she had nothing else to complain about. I can understand her if it really got to her that much and she is still bringing it up, but one would have thought you address it back when it was an issue not when you broke up as a justification on top of the dog issue.

 

 

She is absolutely in no way working this out. I finally got a three hour conversation in with her and she was all over the map. I felt like I got blamed for a decent share of the relationships problems, which was news to me. Yes, I am a direct speaker, but I also explain and clarify what I mean. Apparently it was good then, but no longer the case. Then the dogs is her final touch for her decision.

 

 

It's an extremely tough, confusing, frustrating, heartbreaking, tossed asid like a pile of trash all mixed into one nightmare that my life has been these last two weeks.

 

 

I don't want to be second to the dogs while I'm sitting here doing everything for this women, and say in the future you end up supporting her by buying a place together while the dogs destroy it because she wants no boundaries for them. It's equally mixed. The dog smell & hair, and almost as if you're second class when it comes to her dogs. Clearly the love she has for the dogs I am no match for.

 

 

At this point - I have no other choice as she has made up her mind once again. She is done. Funny you mention anxiety. In her eyes. I am now the cause of anxiety. She says every time we talk, or she thinks of me she feels anxiety. And to her. Life is great without my. She has plans to go out literally every weekend night, or spare time she has, which I found ironic since she would tell me she wanted to spend more time with her dog and felt I would prevent that even though I worked twice as many hours as she did, but now that she has time on her hands. Spending time with the dogs are the last thing on her priority.

 

 

None of this makes any sense anymore. But one thing is certain. After our last conversation (nearly three hours long) she is gone.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what happened but yes, dogs can be the cause of a relationship breaking up. They are not to blame though. Your ex girlfriend dotes on her dogs. They were there before you. They are a big part of her life and she does not plan to change that. It was a question of 'love her, love her dogs' - and you didn't! It is not your fault; you are just not happy having the dogs around all the time and sharing a house with the smell and hair of dogs. I don't blame you; I wouldn't want that now, even though I love animals and had quite a few pets when younger. Eventually, you just don't want to have a dog butting in to every activity and making noises and messes.

 

I really think it is best you accept this relationship is over - for you. You don't want to share her with the dogs and you don't want dogs. She will be with the dogs regardless. It's just not the life you want. It's unfortunate that you really like her but it is best to think of this as a 'near miss' in finding the love you want, rather than trying to make it work. She has decided she can't give up her dogs - and what pet lover would?

[SevenCity]

I'm not sure smothered is the right word. What she didn't want was like she said was to feel controlled when it came to her dogs. She wanted to maintain no boundaries for her dogs. Plus at this point she has from somewhere convinced herself that everything was my fault. I mean she literally was talking about stuff we discussed throughout the year as if she had nothing else to complain about. I can understand her if it really got to her that much and she is still bringing it up, but one would have thought you address it back when it was an issue not when you broke up as a justification on top of the dog issue.

 

 

She is absolutely in no way working this out. I finally got a three hour conversation in with her and she was all over the map. I felt like I got blamed for a decent share of the relationships problems, which was news to me. Yes, I am a direct speaker, but I also explain and clarify what I mean. Apparently it was good then, but no longer the case. Then the dogs is her final touch for her decision.

 

 

It's an extremely tough, confusing, frustrating, heartbreaking, tossed asid like a pile of trash all mixed into one nightmare that my life has been these last two weeks.

 

 

I don't want to be second to the dogs while I'm sitting here doing everything for this women, and say in the future you end up supporting her by buying a place together while the dogs destroy it because she wants no boundaries for them. It's equally mixed. The dog smell & hair, and almost as if you're second class when it comes to her dogs. Clearly the love she has for the dogs I am no match for.

 

 

At this point - I have no other choice as she has made up her mind once again. She is done. Funny you mention anxiety. In her eyes. I am now the cause of anxiety. She says every time we talk, or she thinks of me she feels anxiety. And to her. Life is great without my. She has plans to go out literally every weekend night, or spare time she has, which I found ironic since she would tell me she wanted to spend more time with her dog and felt I would prevent that even though I worked twice as many hours as she did, but now that she has time on her hands. Spending time with the dogs are the last thing on her priority.

 

 

None of this makes any sense anymore. But one thing is certain. After our last conversation (nearly three hours long) she is gone.

 

Dude, I'm sorry to hear that. I know all too well about the split being blamed on you. My ex said next to nothing for almost 7 years then it all came out like a waterfall deleuge that couldn't be turned off.

 

Try as I might, there was no talking sense into her. So I went NC and gave up.

 

Like I said, the situations were different but the actions of our exes were the same. Instead of saying something before it was too late they held it in and built resentment towards us.

 

Like you said though, nothing you can do. Well except find another girl which is easier said than done. Hopefully my date tonight won't be a waste of time.

[spiderowl]

I think the problem with the dogs is that even if she compromised, she would continually be feeling anxious that you were going to grumble about something to do with the dogs. If she kept them out of the master bedroom, for example, what if they got in by accident one night? She knows you would grumble and it hurts her to have you moan about the dogs. If the barked you would grumble. You would be unhappy about hairs and it is a struggle for any dog owner to manage hairs. She knows there would have been constant low-level conflict and she has decided she can't cope with that.

 

I am sorry because it must feel to you like she chose the dogs over you. She didn't: she had the dogs before you came along and has a responsibility to them. They have been her companions in times of loneliness and sorrow before you were ever around. You can't expect her to suddenly want to change the way her life is bound up with them. I think she realised there was always going to be some issue over the dogs however much she tried to compromise. She was happy with her lifestyle. She would not be compromising but changing her whole life in a way she did not want. It is not a question of people disagreeing and compromising, the dogs were already in the picture.

 

It really is best to resolve to meet someone who does not have pets. I think you will be happier. When you get over this pain - and I know what it feels like - then you will be able to see this for what it was.

Edited February 25, 2017 by spiderowl

[BeyondConfused1n]

Dude, I'm sorry to hear that. I know all too well about the split being blamed on you. My ex said next to nothing for almost 7 years then it all came out like a waterfall deleuge that couldn't be turned off.

 

Try as I might, there was no talking sense into her. So I went NC and gave up.

 

Like I said, the situations were different but the actions of our exes were the same. Instead of saying something before it was too late they held it in and built resentment towards us.

 

Like you said though, nothing you can do. Well except find another girl which is easier said than done. Hopefully my date tonight won't be a waste of time.

 

 

One thing we did very well was communicate. We talked a lot. We had lots of 4 am conversations. Before they were always wonderful, but as we had some disagreements they became debates, which I would try and address her issues and concerns, but apparently I didn't do much of anything.

 

 

I thought I was able to do something, but at this point. She is so checked out wants nothing to do with me, so I'm left with no other option. As for me dating another girl. It's really going to be hard to do that after the girl you just left with had just about every quality you ever wanted in a girl. Except the dogs.

 

 

Good luck on your date tonight. I hope it goes well for you.

[BeyondConfused1n]

I'm sorry to hear what happened but yes, dogs can be the cause of a relationship breaking up. They are not to blame though. Your ex girlfriend dotes on her dogs. They were there before you. They are a big part of her life and she does not plan to change that. It was a question of 'love her, love her dogs' - and you didn't! It is not your fault; you are just not happy having the dogs around all the time and sharing a house with the smell and hair of dogs. I don't blame you; I wouldn't want that now, even though I love animals and had quite a few pets when younger. Eventually, you just don't want to have a dog butting in to every activity and making noises and messes.

 

I really think it is best you accept this relationship is over - for you. You don't want to share her with the dogs and you don't want dogs. She will be with the dogs regardless. It's just not the life you want. It's unfortunate that you really like her but it is best to think of this as a 'near miss' in finding the love you want, rather than trying to make it work. She has decided she can't give up her dogs - and what pet lover would?

 

 

 

Thank you for the reply.

 

 

I wouldn't say that is entirely fair that I didn't love the dogs. I did like her dogs, but I didn't want to be sleeping with them.

 

 

It's really unfortunate to hear that by asking a "Pet lover" to not have the dogs in your master bedroom is interpreted to them as give up your dogs.

 

 

In my opinion Regardless of responsibilities to any animal. Because you set a boundaries doesn't make a person any less responsible. That's very extreme. I wouldn't even say I don't want dogs, because in the future I wouldn't mind owning a dog. I have grown up with a single dog at a time throughout most of my life as well. Plus, a relationship can outlive many dogs, but a dog shouldn't outlive a good relationship.

[BeyondConfused1n]

I think the problem with the dogs is that even if she compromised, she would continually be feeling anxious that you were going to grumble about something to do with the dogs. If she kept them out of the master bedroom, for example, what if they got in by accident one night? She knows you would grumble and it hurts her to have you moan about the dogs. If the barked you would grumble. You would be unhappy about hairs and it is a struggle for any dog owner to manage hairs. She knows there would have been constant low-level conflict and she has decided she can't cope with that.

 

I am sorry because it must feel to you like she chose the dogs over you. She didn't: she had the dogs before you came along and has a responsibility to them. They have been her companions in times of loneliness and sorrow before you were ever around. You can't expect her to suddenly want to change the way her life is bound up with them. I think she realised there was always going to be some issue over the dogs however much she tried to compromise. She was happy with her lifestyle. She would not be compromising but changing her whole life in a way she did not want. It is not a question of people disagreeing and compromising, the dogs were already in the picture.

 

It really is best to resolve to meet someone who does not have pets. I think you will be happier. When you get over this pain - and I know what it feels like - then you will be able to see this for what it was.

 

 

The dogs have their own room currently and they have never gotten out thus far, but if the did. You can put them back in and close the door. They are trained. It's not that big of a deal for a single instance. It's the fact that they would always be in your bed. The dogs shower once ever 2 months. Plus all the hair. At that rate. Are the dogs living in your house, or are you living in a dog house?

 

 

Its possible I might grumble about the dog hairs, but I am a doer, and for her if there is a fair compromise. I would pick it up and move on. I would hire a house cleaner to come. These are my ways of compromising for her.

 

 

The dogs indeed were already in the picture. That was never the issue. The Smell and Hair are the issue. I would have never asked her to change her whole life in regards to the dogs. That's not a compromise or is that fair to her.

 

 

In some ways I do see this for what it is, but I completely disagree with it.

[SevenCity]

One thing we did very well was communicate. We talked a lot. We had lots of 4 am conversations. Before they were always wonderful, but as we had some disagreements they became debates, which I would try and address her issues and concerns, but apparently I didn't do much of anything.

 

 

I thought I was able to do something, but at this point. She is so checked out wants nothing to do with me, so I'm left with no other option. As for me dating another girl. It's really going to be hard to do that after the girl you just left with had just about every quality you ever wanted in a girl. Except the dogs.

 

 

Good luck on your date tonight. I hope it goes well for you.

 

I'm sad for you dude. But in a way this is a good thing as this can be your first day to healing. There are no doubts or what ifs left over. You don't want to go through that for three months like I did. It was hell almost as bad as the breakup.

 

You are preaching to the quire about dating other women. I too found a unique set of qualities in my ex I was never able to find in another woman. And we met when I was 37 years old (and I've had my fair share of them). Now at 45 I don't think I'll find another girl with whom my connection will be as strong. I don't know that she will find it either. It's sad how people can walk away without trying.

 

I see many people on this board hurt by the actions of the person (cheating, selfishness, etc) and the girl / guy wasn't that great. When you find someone who is great the pain can be much more intense. But, you will look at her actions over time and realize you were not 100% happy.

 

What's even more sad is both of them will likely realize this when it's too late. They might never reach out again, but I'm a firm believer that the regret will set in. I love dogs, and have my little one lying next to me in bed now. But I wouldn't want to put up with what you did. I would venture a guess that many guys will give her the same complaints you did and she'll eventually realize she has to change her ways or be alone.

 

I'm sure you're not ready to date now but get out there as soon as you can stomach it. You are going to likely be sick at first constantly comparing the girl to your ex. It will get easier over time. But you need to practice as you will make mistakes along the way. It beats the hell out of sitting home alone and is your only chance to find the right girl for you - she won't come knocking at your door. Everyone will tell you to wait until you are healed. Screw that! I'm 6 months in and I'm not healed but I'm in a much better place than I was because of dating new chicks.

 

Like tonight. At the end of the night it was nice to hear "Seven, thank you. I'm so happy you make me laugh" after meeting her for the first time - and then kissing her. Will she be my next gf? Probably not. But I will gain experience from dating her and hone my technique for when she does come along. I wasn't thinking about my ex I can tell you that. And tomorrow's date with another girl will help as well. As will the other one I have planned for next weekend.

 

You are in for a long, painful road brother and I wish you the best. WE will move on. But you have to take the step of getting yourself out there. Not right now, but as soon as you can. The confidence you will gain will make you realize you are a great catch and the loss is of your ex.

 

In the meantime, delete any reminder of her and delete her number. It's the one thing you can do. IF she comes back, and you have been dating other women, you will have a much more objective view if you want back in (remember how you feel right now). If she doesn't, you'll have some new chicks under your belt and may get lucky to find someone even better.

[BeyondConfused1n]

I'm sad for you dude. But in a way this is a good thing as this can be your first day to healing. There are no doubts or what ifs left over. You don't want to go through that for three months like I did. It was hell almost as bad as the breakup.

 

You are preaching to the quire about dating other women. I too found a unique set of qualities in my ex I was never able to find in another woman. And we met when I was 37 years old (and I've had my fair share of them). Now at 45 I don't think I'll find another girl with whom my connection will be as strong. I don't know that she will find it either. It's sad how people can walk away without trying.

 

I see many people on this board hurt by the actions of the person (cheating, selfishness, etc) and the girl / guy wasn't that great. When you find someone who is great the pain can be much more intense. But, you will look at her actions over time and realize you were not 100% happy.

 

What's even more sad is both of them will likely realize this when it's too late. They might never reach out again, but I'm a firm believer that the regret will set in. I love dogs, and have my little one lying next to me in bed now. But I wouldn't want to put up with what you did. I would venture a guess that many guys will give her the same complaints you did and she'll eventually realize she has to change her ways or be alone.

 

I'm sure you're not ready to date now but get out there as soon as you can stomach it. You are going to likely be sick at first constantly comparing the girl to your ex. It will get easier over time. But you need to practice as you will make mistakes along the way. It beats the hell out of sitting home alone and is your only chance to find the right girl for you - she won't come knocking at your door. Everyone will tell you to wait until you are healed. Screw that! I'm 6 months in and I'm not healed but I'm in a much better place than I was because of dating new chicks.

 

Like tonight. At the end of the night it was nice to hear "Seven, thank you. I'm so happy you make me laugh" after meeting her for the first time - and then kissing her. Will she be my next gf? Probably not. But I will gain experience from dating her and hone my technique for when she does come along. I wasn't thinking about my ex I can tell you that. And tomorrow's date with another girl will help as well. As will the other one I have planned for next weekend.

 

You are in for a long, painful road brother and I wish you the best. WE will move on. But you have to take the step of getting yourself out there. Not right now, but as soon as you can. The confidence you will gain will make you realize you are a great catch and the loss is of your ex.

 

In the meantime, delete any reminder of her and delete her number. It's the one thing you can do. IF she comes back, and you have been dating other women, you will have a much more objective view if you want back in (remember how you feel right now). If she doesn't, you'll have some new chicks under your belt and may get lucky to find someone even better.

 

SevenCity - Thank you for the kind words and your reply.

 

 

I'm pretty sad for me too right now. As I said im drowning in pain and I cant even sleep or function normally. I cant get the thoughts out of my head even when I fall asleep. This fog is consumed every single second of my day. I got anti anxiety medicine to help from the Dr the other day but even that isn't working now.

 

 

I have a feeling that my first day of healing has yet to start. Given my background (Engineer) I am left with nothing but thoughts, and over thinking; What if. What is she doing. Was there someone else. What else could we have done. What could we have done different. Etc.. Etc.. The list really goes on and on and is rather endless.

 

 

It's extremely sad how people just walk away without trying. That's the exact opposite of who I've always been. I try everything until there's absolutely nothing left to try. I don't see the point in not doing so. You gave this person a year (in my case) or however long it was. If things don't work TRY and fix them by trying something else. The point is if it doesn't work. Try something different. You might not fix it on your first attempt, but you will get there. Persistence yields positive results. That's the way it works in all faucets in life. Don't just walk away. I think in our culture especially in my generation Millennial. In my experience far too many people call it quits because they are not willing to do the work, but it also takes work finding someone new. Especially if the person you are throwing away was literally everything you had hoped for in a partner. Your connection was more real than all your previous relationships combined. Its sad.

 

 

I would image this gets harder with age. Your wants and needs need to be a bit more flexible even though you yourself know what you really like and don't like by now, but finding that exact person with those qualities in a realistic 15 - 20 mile radius is like hitting the lotto I would imagine. Even at my age Ive already started to run into this problem. A lot of women are either in relationships. Have been married / divorced, and have children. Its tough and as we age I would imagine things don't get easier.

 

 

I do look back at this - And I did reflect on my relationship with her before we broke up just in general throughout the course of the year, and I wasn't 100% happy. I am not sure you can ever be 100% happy. Life doesn't tend to work that way, but you should always strive to be as close as you can get to that number, and being with this girl. I was the closest I feel i've ever been to 100%. I completely agree that if you lose a person that you allowed into the deepest parts of your heart and your being. You will feel pain & heartache like you've never felt it before.

 

 

Maybe they will realize this, maybe they wont. However, I truly believe that anyone that is able to walk away without looking back like my ex. Isnt going to realize anything. You have to have some sort of value to be able to draw upon to realize you lost something. Clearly this person has no value at this point and for her its easier to just file me away like I was the bad guy. You know that saying. "If you keep telling yourself the same thing over and over, eventually you start to believe it" I think this is where I will fit into her life. My previous Ex was the same way. We broke up almost four years ago. Never heard from her again. Gave her 3 years of my life, and she walked away never to be heard from again.

 

 

Also a funny thing about that her realizing and changing her ways. She's always told me that everyone else she's ever dated had no problems with her dogs, or sleeping with her dogs. I would always ask her how that worked out for her which she would say they had other problems that they couldn't work past. The dogs were not part of her issues in previous relationships according to her.

 

 

As for dating other girls - Before I met this girl I was doing exactly what you are doing now. Dating every weekend, and sometimes even during the week. This went on for 1.5 years straight. I couldn't find the right person. I am pretty picky. It got to the point I was over dating, and about to give up on it when I met my Ex. I keep thinking how much work it was, and how tired of it I started to get even when I was single dating. Not looking forward to that at all by an stretch. It was fun for a short while when you got the hang of things, but it gets old after a while.

 

 

I'm glad to hear you're progress after six months is going well. Sounds like you have a bullpen growing over there. You have come a long way, and I really hope you find what you're looking for. You deserve it!

 

 

Part of the reason I exhaust all possibilities before I leave / check out of a relationship is so I am at piece with myself and I know I truly did give it every ounce of me. It would hurt if she ever tried coming back down the line because once I check out I am done. In my head it makes absolutely no sense to be going through all this pain over this person all alone and only to get back into a relationship with that SAME person sometime down the line when they feel they want to come back? Absolutely not. If they couldn't care for you while you were freshly broken up. They are supposed to be more caring a year, 2 years, 5 years down the road?

[WomenWubber]

There was this married couple, friends of my ex-gf's mom. Married for 30+ year. One night at dinner the husband made a joke about the dogs being the leaders of the pack instead of him as they had already had their dinner before him and got to sleep in the marital bed during cold nights, with him having to sleep in the truck. At first everyone thought he was being all jokes and hyperboles, but then the threw she following line at him:

 

"If you don't like it here, there's the door." *points finger at door*

 

That shut him up for the rest of the night.

 

-o-

 

I know it hurts now, but I can safely say you have dodged a bullet!

[Maldives]

In your case - Moving far away from her even to as far as the other side of the building I'm sure helps tremendously. Still not sure how you are able to pull through that working with them. That's definitely tough.

 

 

I'm not really sure what to expect anymore. We finally had a conversation for nearly three hours last night. Her whole domineer has changed. She has shifted a lot of the blame on me as to why she has pulled away and no longer wants to have anything to do with me. She's saying she is to the point that when we talk now it gives her anxiety and she doesn't ever see us having another chance. Let alone seeing one another. She feels the negative comments while we were having heavy topic conversations as the relationship was struggling in the last month or two is her other contributing factor for pulling away, but still a lot of focus is that being with me she wont be able to sleep with her dogs and that is not a compromise she is willing to make, or how she feels like she would have to compromise so much of her life just to be together. That was news to me since a lot of the things she kept bringing up we discussed and moved on, but its like she remembered and brought up every single argument / comment she didn't like and used that as just another reason to move on. From the most part - All I heard from her is how she cant, cant, cant, and cant do anything. While out of the duration of our relationship she's the one with the most time on her hands. Ugh. So confused and now drained. Hurt.

 

 

I asked her if there was anyone else involved, but she keeps saying no. She doesn't want to date anyone for a while and she just wants to be single and go out with her friends and be free to do whatever she wants. At this point its very hard to believe her.

 

 

Been reflecting on all of this. Less than a month ago, I knew we had problems, but in no way did I see this right around the corner. Even just two weeks ago she create a pretty nice note telling me how she loved me and left it in my office. I knew we had issues as we had discussions many times, which at times seemed to have went nowhere because a lot of them were related to the dogs and the living situation with them. Since we've had that come up a handful of times.

 

 

Big hug to you as well. As of right now. The decision has been made by her and she is sticking to it. She's over it, and doesn't see me like she used too and simply cannot see me like that.

 

 

I'm drowning in pain while this person just picked up and move on as if she been single for the last year with nothing more then what appeared to have been a simple flip of a switch.

 

 

I feel ya bro all u can do now is give her space and go NC the more u tryou the more she digs her heels in and reinforces she's made the right choice. The reason NC is so effective and powerful one and most importantly it allows u to heal and see clearer about how u feel about her two it does the same for her it allows her to mull over in her mind and ghetto void left and believe me there is a void wether u r dumper or dumpee. Maybe check som o those ex girlfriend recovery podcasts aND websites lots of useful info and great ideas on how to get her back.. honestly the longer it goes on for me the more I think I won't go bac she's made life hell now for me and even over the last yr wth that custody battle. She digs in at work I see her true colours now she's fake as. I don't want that in my life. I feel anxious now even thinking about work that's the kind of selfish person I've come to learn she is. I will talk to my manager im no marter to sit there and listen to her laugh and watch romance blossom in the office Im thinking for me as ha rd as it is im gonna really try hard to ignore her and avoid her out of mind out of sight im sure she wants me to see im sure she she does. I can't let it effect my new role or job .I lov living up here to. I'm gona focus on rebuilding myself expanding g my network and even going out wth girls but not to get intimate just friends boy im in no mood to get dumped again or go thru the pain so soon after this. By letting her go u will increase ur chances of getting her back if u really choose to after uve had some time to reflect nc. Work on ureself stay healthy that's wat i did keep in good shape don't get pissed well not everyday lol re connect wth ur network for now and and then re assess how u feel. There's no quick fix to this it cld take mths it cld take even longer or it cld be quick. We all hav a cut off point I believe we can only take so much pain. Wen this one broke up wth me her taking selfie wth other guys from work just pushed me further and further away

Good luck bro stay strong but I truly believe now u need to go NC if for nothing else to protect ureself and heal.

[Maldives]

In your case - Moving far away from her even to as far as the other side of the building I'm sure helps tremendously. Still not sure how you are able to pull through that working with them. That's definitely tough.

 

 

I'm not really sure what to expect anymore. We finally had a conversation for nearly three hours last night. Her whole domineer has changed. She has shifted a lot of the blame on me as to why she has pulled away and no longer wants to have anything to do with me. She's saying she is to the point that when we talk now it gives her anxiety and she doesn't ever see us having another chance. Let alone seeing one another. She feels the negative comments while we were having heavy topic conversations as the relationship was struggling in the last month or two is her other contributing factor for pulling away, but still a lot of focus is that being with me she wont be able to sleep with her dogs and that is not a compromise she is willing to make, or how she feels like she would have to compromise so much of her life just to be together. That was news to me since a lot of the things she kept bringing up we discussed and moved on, but its like she remembered and brought up every single argument / comment she didn't like and used that as just another reason to move on. From the most part - All I heard from her is how she cant, cant, cant, and cant do anything. While out of the duration of our relationship she's the one with the most time on her hands. Ugh. So confused and now drained. Hurt.

 

 

I asked her if there was anyone else involved, but she keeps saying no. She doesn't want to date anyone for a while and she just wants to be single and go out with her friends and be free to do whatever she wants. At this point its very hard to believe her.

 

 

Been reflecting on all of this. Less than a month ago, I knew we had problems, but in no way did I see this right around the corner. Even just two weeks ago she create a pretty nice note telling me how she loved me and left it in my office. I knew we had issues as we had discussions many times, which at times seemed to have went nowhere because a lot of them were related to the dogs and the living situation with them. Since we've had that come up a handful of times.

 

 

Big hug to you as well. As of right now. The decision has been made by her and she is sticking to it. She's over it, and doesn't see me like she used too and simply cannot see me like that.

 

 

I'm drowning in pain while this person just picked up and move on as if she been single for the last year with nothing more then what appeared to have been a simple flip of a switch.

 

 

I feel ya bro all u can do now is give her space and go NC the more u tryou the more she digs her heels in and reinforces she's made the right choice. The reason NC is so effective and powerful one and most importantly it allows u to heal and see clearer about how u feel about her two it does the same for her it allows her to mull over in her mind and ghetto void left and believe me there is a void wether u r dumper or dumpee. Maybe check som o those ex girlfriend recovery podcasts aND websites lots of useful info and great ideas on how to get her back.. honestly the longer it goes on for me the more I think I won't go bac she's made life hell now for me and even over the last yr wth that custody battle. She digs in at work I see her true colours now she's fake as. I don't want that in my life. I feel anxious now even thinking about work that's the kind of selfish person I've come to learn she is. I will talk to my manager im no marter to sit there and listen to her laugh and watch romance blossom in the office Im thinking for me as ha rd as it is im gonna really try hard to ignore her and avoid her out of mind out of sight im sure she wants me to see im sure she she does. I can't let it effect my new role or job .I lov living up here to. I'm gona focus on rebuilding myself expanding g my network and even going out wth girls but not to get intimate just friends boy im in no mood to get dumped again or go thru the pain so soon after this. By letting her go u will increase ur chances of getting her back if u really choose to after uve had some time to reflect nc. Work on ureself stay healthy that's wat i did keep in good shape don't get pissed well not everyday lol re connect wth ur network for now and and then re assess how u feel. There's no quick fix to this it cld take mths it cld take even longer or it cld be quick. We all hav a cut off point I believe we can only take so much pain. Wen this one broke up wth me her taking selfie wth other guys from work just pushed me further and further away

Good luck bro stay strong but I truly believe now u need to go NC if for nothing else to protect ureself and heal.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Wanted to post an update:

 

 

Still struggling getting by and its coming up on 3 weeks now. This is like a groundhogs day nightmare that has no end. Keep waking up all throughout the night to almost the same thoughts, night after night, with my heart hurting and pounding with my mind racing with thoughts of her and much confusion. Only to wake up a few hours later to the same kind of day. Day after day. This is horrible, and it has not gotten any easier, or better. I'm still drowning in pain and left with these thoughts of her.

 

 

She has left with no contact now for over a week. The last contact we had I was blamed for everything. She had pilled up every single argument we ever had and has made those to be the pinnacle of how the relationship was and why it didn't work. Supposedly now my character is also flawed because of how I criticized her about how she lives with her dogs, which is not accurate. I did make remarks that its not the norm to be living the way she is, and its a little weird, but nothing more than that. Then she's decided to make up a few more things to justify her decision to leave with some information that I have no clue where she got from. Needless to say. My mind is completely twisted at this point. I don't even know what the heck is happening or happened.

 

 

First week we broke up it had to do with the dog issues, few days later we talked and our core values did not align according to her. Few days later we talked again and then she was accursing me of being a narcissist and gas lighting her or not seeing her as an individual but rather an extension to myself because I was trying to fight for this relationship. Then finally last week my character is just flawed and nearly ever argument / heated topic we discussed was brought up as a justification for her reasons of leaving. How the relationship never really went anywhere. Needless to say. She says her heart is no longer in it, and how she is afraid to even talk to me because it causes her anxiety to even hold a conversation with me.

 

 

I'm really having a difficult time understanding what is going on here. I cannot understand how we got to this point in just two weeks. Our arguments were never out of control. No name calling, shouting, or cursing at one another, and she is treating this as if she is a victim who never wants me to call her, talk to her, text her. Just simply forget she existed and move on with my life. This is by far the biggest mind$uck I have ever experienced. How does someone go from telling you they Love you 4 weeks ago and write you small note telling you how the relationship is good and they love you only to get to this point in less than a month.

 

 

I'm trying to work through this by going to therapy but its been of no help so far. Feeling like once a week isn't helping at this point in time. Talking about this helps a bit, but it only dulls the pain for a few hours, and then I start thinking; she has moved on and is happily doing who knows what because she feels im the one who wronged her and the relationship ending was all my fault, which now has me questioning what I did right and wrong. I cant stop thinking about how much Ive done for this person in the last year, given so much of myself and love to her, so much more than in any of my previous relationships because it felt so right because our bond/love was so strong for one another. Even just two months ago on New Years, How can things get so bad to the point she breaks up with me through Text message on Valentines day.

 

 

As you guys can tell. I'm really struggling to make any progress with this one. =(

[Maldives]

Wanted to post an update:

 

 

Still struggling getting by and its coming up on 3 weeks now. This is like a groundhogs day nightmare that has no end. Keep waking up all throughout the night to almost the same thoughts, night after night, with my heart hurting and pounding with my mind racing with thoughts of her and much confusion. Only to wake up a few hours later to the same kind of day. Day after day. This is horrible, and it has not gotten any easier, or better. I'm still drowning in pain and left with these thoughts of her.

 

 

She has left with no contact now for over a week. The last contact we had I was blamed for everything. She had pilled up every single argument we ever had and has made those to be the pinnacle of how the relationship was and why it didn't work. Supposedly now my character is also flawed because of how I criticized her about how she lives with her dogs, which is not accurate. I did make remarks that its not the norm to be living the way she is, and its a little weird, but nothing more than that. Then she's decided to make up a few more things to justify her decision to leave with some information that I have no clue where she got from. Needless to say. My mind is completely twisted at this point. I don't even know what the heck is happening or happened.

 

 

First week we broke up it had to do with the dog issues, few days later we talked and our core values did not align according to her. Few days later we talked again and then she was accursing me of being a narcissist and gas lighting her or not seeing her as an individual but rather an extension to myself because I was trying to fight for this relationship. Then finally last week my character is just flawed and nearly ever argument / heated topic we discussed was brought up as a justification for her reasons of leaving. How the relationship never really went anywhere. Needless to say. She says her heart is no longer in it, and how she is afraid to even talk to me because it causes her anxiety to even hold a conversation with me.

 

 

I'm really having a difficult time understanding what is going on here. I cannot understand how we got to this point in just two weeks. Our arguments were never out of control. No name calling, shouting, or cursing at one another, and she is treating this as if she is a victim who never wants me to call her, talk to her, text her. Just simply forget she existed and move on with my life. This is by far the biggest mind$uck I have ever experienced. How does someone go from telling you they Love you 4 weeks ago and write you small note telling you how the relationship is good and they love you only to get to this point in less than a month.

 

 

I'm trying to work through this by going to therapy but its been of no help so far. Feeling like once a week isn't helping at this point in time. Talking about this helps a bit, but it only dulls the pain for a few hours, and then I start thinking; she has moved on and is happily doing who knows what because she feels im the one who wronged her and the relationship ending was all my fault, which now has me questioning what I did right and wrong. I cant stop thinking about how much Ive done for this person in the last year, given so much of myself and love to her, so much more than in any of my previous relationships because it felt so right because our bond/love was so strong for one another. Even just two months ago on New Years, How can things get so bad to the point she breaks up with me through Text message on Valentines day.

 

 

As you guys can tell. I'm really struggling to make any progress with this one. =(

 

Yes same he re e and it's been 5 mths of nc well as smitten of b it from me but officially like 3 mths it gets easier but that pain u wake up wth is separation pain the realisation it's over its ur bodies way of processing the pain. I actually found out the hurt from a break up translates into the physical lol go figure ur gut hurts the heart as well. I wss doin gv fine for like the last week and actually feeling quiet angry at the way she's gone about everything and working and all I totally ignore her at work and have temporarily moved down the other side of the building so I don't even see it and it felt empowering because I cld sense she had no power over me at work such as rubbing it in by laughing guys always coming up to her it was a huge relief because it was painful. However I got a job promotion and the team again next to hers lol so I'm not sure how this is gonna pan out once I'm trained up again in the new role more money too wich is good I'll keep at em to move me again. Anyway the point I was getting around to [email protected] just out of the blue I was driving back from work to home and I just cried just like that. So even mths later it still seeps out. The odd thing she's done so much damage and hurt if she came back i realise it's possibly beyond repair now. Woman and not being sexist or anything but they do tend to break it offor in more cases then men. Sharing in ur grief dude today after work felt very lonely im close to bailing and moving bac interstate. Giving it a cpl mths trying to hang in there

[Maldives]

Lol disregard that email address lol auto correct

[Maldives]

Btw dude u haven't done anything wrong she's just looking for any reason to justify breaking up my ex wife was similar. Don't go beating ureself up. There's always 2 in a relationship I won't try and guess wat it was but wat might help well it helped me Google reason woman leave a relationship. Sometimes it's not anythin gv uve done but this thing called attraction to woman it's like breathing in air. Connection cld be another. I remember once I dated this really nice girl well actually she did complain a lil but nonetheless she hadn't done anything wrong and it was the attraction it just wasn't there for me and I ended it after 2 mths. I don't know wat it is in her case but definatly from ur dialogue wat i can make of if is just she just wants out the reasoning is weak because if ur into someone u try and make changed to accommodate try and thinkeep of other relationships u were in where maybe if was the other way round that may help wth ur mind processing this.

[Maldives]

Btw this current ex of mine use to say oh it'll never be me leaving ur my soulmate I've never met anyone like u chased me for yrs finally were together again after 2 years of a long distance relationship and then dumps me lol so I kno wat ur going thru re confusion I try and make sense of it som things I've put two and two together but ultimately the only peace I can give my self is to realise it comes from within forgive ureself meaning don't blame or be too hard on ureself. Believe me wen I say her reasoning are just excuses and go from that

[Maldives]

Btw this current ex of mine use to say oh it'll never be me leaving ur my soulmate I've never met anyone like u chased me for yrs finally were together again after 2 years of a long distance relationship and then dumps me lol so I kno wat ur going thru re confusion I try and make sense of it som things I've put two and two together but ultimately the only peace I can give my self is to realise it comes from within forgive ureself meaning don't blame or be too hard on ureself. Believe me wen I say her reasoning are just excuses and go from that

[elaine567]

Your ex gf is a dyed in the wool "dog person".

She has dogs and she will have dogs for life.

She will sleep with them, kiss them, hug them, love then, put up with their barking, their hair, even their poo and their wee, as they are her family.

She doesn't see them as a problem.

She wants a partner who will be as besotted with dogs as she is.

She does not want a partner coming home complaining about mess and stench and hair and dictating where the dogs can or cannot go.

 

She wants a partner who will tell her how cute Boris is with his bone and will laugh uproariously with her when she tells him that Betty got into the laundry basket and his red Tshirt is now shredded.

She wants to spend her life with a "dog person".

BeyondConfused1n is NOT a "dog person" and never will be, so he had to go.

She wants to be able to relax in her own home, WITH her dogs.

 

Seeing therapists in an attempt to change her views on dogs is frankly nuts.

 

The more he pushes her, the more reasons she has to roll out to justify splitting up.

Best to let this one go.

It would never work.