Still struggling

[Cookies101]

passion is science / astronomy

 

Well, i reckon that'd come in handy for star-gazing PLT. Maybe on a date some time, you will find yourself staring at the stars with a girl, and can impress her with your knowledge then .

[Bromeo]

Err, me thinks this one is essential to test whether they actually have any literacy skills, or some culture.. Obviously you didn't ask this with your last girl Bromeo?!

 

Listen to you. I needed that laugh. Lol

 

No I didn't. The boogerface that brought me to this forum was the very first woman I dated after getting separated from my exwife. I hadn't dated anyone in 12 years, and was quite rusty.

 

I've had some practice as of late. Lol

[sorano]

Nice to see you in here Sorano

 

Well my recent down seems to be coming to an end now. This morning, while not jumping for joy, I certainly feel less down. This morning I have the attitude of "whatever the reason or wherever the blame lies, it is what it is. These are the cards I have been dealt. How am I going to deal with that?"

 

I think having it pointed out to me that it was almost exactly a year ago that she ghosted, and then thinking "Damn, I've been stuck on this woman, who has shown me nothing but contempt, for a year now. The last year has been a total write off. Do I want to be looking back in another year feeling the same way?" No. In another years time I want to be able to look back and say, at the very least, that 2017 was better than 2016 in terms of progress post ex.

 

I'm going speed dating tonight. I'm not very excited about it to be honest but I'm forcing myself to go as I know that once I'm there, it'll enjoy it. Last time all but one of the women was 9 or 10 years older than me so tonight I'm going to one that's a younger range. I'm right on the cusp of the 2 age ranges so I'll probably be the oldest there tonight haha.

 

I am determined for it not to be like last time though, where I think everyone pretty much answered the same questions 15 times. Where have you come from? What do you do? First time speed dating? and then if there's time, hobbies? One lady actually sat back, clasped her hands, and said "So tell me a bit about yourself". It was like being in a job interview! I did think at the time "Does she work in HR?"

 

Some questions I have in mind for more interesting conversation...

 

"If you could have dinner with anyone, past or present, who would it be?

"If you could go to a gig to see any band in any country, where would it be and who would you go and see?"

"What are you passionate about?"

"Favourite comedy TV show?"

"If you were able to know the truth about one of life's big mysteries, would you want to know, or rather keep it a mystery?"

 

Let me know how the speed dating thing went! I am curious. Maybe you will hit it off with someone. who knows! I am not sure I can do speed dating lol. Keep us posted !!

 

Another reason why I do not want to date is bc I can't go through that cycle again. Talk, meet, go out for a drink, ask the person the same questions you did with the other women you went out, meet the friends, family become official, etc. Its a cycle. same thing over and over and over.

[whatdeww18]

Good luck on the speed dating PLT!

 

I think this will be very good for you

 

Although it's recommended to go out dating when you feel ready, which is true, sometimes you do have to force yourself to do it. To an extent.

 

I forget which book I read after Sweetfish had mentioned that men and women get over relationships at different rates of time. It talked about:

 

Men tend to introspect faster and realize mistakes faster but take longer to get over an ex. Speaks to the logical side. Thinking logically, you realize mistakes for what they were in the relationship and, if broken up with, you found a woman who you had traits of being a keeper and it's hard to get over that.

 

Women tend to take longer to introspect but take a shorter time to get over an ex. Speaks to the emotional side. Feelings are shut down, and new relationships are formed relatively quickly. Once the emotional high wears down, introspection happens.

 

These are generalizations, so not always true. It seems to be consistent though.

 

I don't know why I spoke about both, hahaha. However, as a guy, it can take you a LONG time to get over an ex. It's sometimes why forcing yourself into dating may have to happen. Of course, it shouldn't be with the intention of getting into another serious, long-term relationship. If it happens, the odds of life are just throwing you some gold. However, you get to see new women, and see things in them that you like. It helps the logical side of your brain to see that there are plenty of women, whose company you can enjoy.

 

Focus on the good times with these women and crossing my fingers for you, PLT!

 

Now it's going to be bother me which book it was... Back to the library I go...

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited March 1, 2017 by whatdeww18

[Bromeo]

Good luck on the speed dating PLT!

 

I think this will be very good for you

 

Although it's recommended to go out dating when you feel ready, which is true, sometimes you do have to force yourself to do it. To an extent.

 

I forget which book I read after Sweetfish had mentioned that men and women get over relationships at different rates of time. It talked about:

 

Men tend to introspect faster and realize mistakes faster but take longer to get over an ex. Speaks to the logical side. Thinking logically, you realize mistakes for what they were in the relationship and, if broken up with, you found a woman who you had traits of being a keeper and it's hard to get over that.

 

Women tend to take longer to introspect but take a shorter time to get over an ex. Speaks to the emotional side. Feelings are shut down, and new relationships are formed relatively quickly. Once the emotional high wears down, introspection happens.

 

These are generalizations, so not always true. It seems to be consistent though.

 

I don't know why I spoke about both, hahaha. However, as a guy, it can take you a LONG time to get over an ex. It's sometimes why forcing yourself into dating may have to happen. Of course, it shouldn't be with the intention of getting into another serious, long-term relationship. If it happens, the odds of life are just throwing you some gold. However, you get to see new women, and see things in them that you like. It helps the logical side of your brain to see that there are plenty of women, whose company you can enjoy.

 

Focus on the good times with these women and crossing my fingers for you, PLT!

 

Now it's going to be bother me which book it was... Back to the library I go...

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Well, I hope mine gets run over by a truck of emotions at some point. At this point I'm starting to forget what she looks like. lol

 

The rest of this post is spot on. I always felt like I was off, due to the length of time it took me to recover from a bad break. I've truly loved three women in my life, and I took those breakups hard. I imagined all three were out laughing and flirting within days, however I'm mature enough to know people cope in different ways.

 

Although in reality, some better communication would have alleviated a fair amount of hurt on both sides. Hmmm.... lol

 

Morning friends, busy day for me today. Check in later.

[PLT]

You find out a lot about a person during and post break up.

 

I have just received an email from police regarding the email I sent to her about the items. Basically saying she doesn't care about the items and she wants nothing to do with me and to not contact her again for any reason. Nice that she has got the bloody police to do her dirty work for her. She hasn't even got the courtesy, or courage to tell me herself. I still haven't been given any reason by her as to why she dumped me so it should come as no surprise really. I'm a maelstrom of emotions right now, but she has got what she wanted. I hate her. That she couldn't have the basic human decency to give a simple answer to a simple question, and instead chose to go to the trouble of calling police AGAIN, knowing full well what effect that might have, emotionally. Fine. I've got the message, but why am I the bad guy here?????? I'm not a bad guy

 

ZERO empathy, ZERO compassion, ZERO decency. Like she doesn't even remember the many great times we shared, and doesn't feel she owes me some basic human compassion and understanding due to that. It seems we really do have very, very different core values. She pretty much doesn't care whether I'm alive or dead. I have to be honest and say that hurts like a mofo. Almost 7 years written off completely, as if it didn't happen, only now I'm now 7 years older. I now am almost certain that during the summer when we briefly got back together, all she was doing was monkey-branching me. It would explain the complete 180 just when things seemed to be improving. It would explain why she sabotaged our "recovery" at the drop of a hat.

 

Because police have been involved, and they appear to be "taking her side", I now think maybe she was right. Maybe it is me with the problem, not her. Maybe I am a ****ty boyfriend, ****ty dad, and ****ty friend that she told me I was. I guess now I'm known around her circles as the crazy, stalking ex, just like all the others. The thing is although I miss her, and ultimately it's not what I want, I accept now, and probably have for a couple of months, that it is over, and will never work. I'm just a believer in trying to end things and tie up loose ends as amicably as possible. It seems she enjoys ending things as dramatically as possible, as evidenced both from our BU, and all of her past BUs, including friends she just "cuts off" with no warning or even attempt at discussion about any issue. ****s sake I'm in tears writing this and I have an appointment with a careers advisor in an hour.

 

Speed dating was ok. There are a fair few I will "tick", maybe 5 or 6 out of the 12. I'm not sure many if any will tick me back though, mainly due to the age difference. After being among the youngest at the first one I went to, last night I was among the oldest. Some women like that I guess, so we will see.

[Bromeo]

Good luck on the speed dating PLT!

 

I think this will be very good for you

 

Although it's recommended to go out dating when you feel ready, which is true, sometimes you do have to force yourself to do it. To an extent.

 

I forget which book I read after Sweetfish had mentioned that men and women get over relationships at different rates of time. It talked about:

 

Men tend to introspect faster and realize mistakes faster but take longer to get over an ex. Speaks to the logical side. Thinking logically, you realize mistakes for what they were in the relationship and, if broken up with, you found a woman who you had traits of being a keeper and it's hard to get over that.

 

Women tend to take longer to introspect but take a shorter time to get over an ex. Speaks to the emotional side. Feelings are shut down, and new relationships are formed relatively quickly. Once the emotional high wears down, introspection happens.

 

These are generalizations, so not always true. It seems to be consistent though.

 

I don't know why I spoke about both, hahaha. However, as a guy, it can take you a LONG time to get over an ex. It's sometimes why forcing yourself into dating may have to happen. Of course, it shouldn't be with the intention of getting into another serious, long-term relationship. If it happens, the odds of life are just throwing you some gold. However, you get to see new women, and see things in them that you like. It helps the logical side of your brain to see that there are plenty of women, whose company you can enjoy.

 

Focus on the good times with these women and crossing my fingers for you, PLT!

 

Now it's going to be bother me which book it was... Back to the library I go...

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Well, I hope mine gets run over by a truck of emotions at some point. At this point I'm starting to forget what she looks like. lol

 

The rest of this post is spot on. I always felt like I was off, due to the length of time it took me to recover from a bad break. I've truly loved three women in my life, and I took those breakups hard. I imagined all three were out laughing and flirting within days, however I'm mature enough to know people cope in different ways.

 

Although in reality, some better communication would have alleviated a fair amount of hurt on both sides. Hmmm.... lol

 

Morning friends, busy day for me today. Check in later.

[PLT]

Well, I hope mine gets run over by a truck of emotions at some point. At this point I'm starting to forget what she looks like. lol

 

The rest of this post is spot on. I always felt like I was off, due to the length of time it took me to recover from a bad break. I've truly loved three women in my life, and I took those breakups hard. I imagined all three were out laughing and flirting within days, however I'm mature enough to know people cope in different ways.

 

Although in reality, some better communication would have alleviated a fair amount of hurt on both sides. Hmmm.... lol

 

Morning friends, busy day for me today. Check in later.

 

Yeah that's how I feel about mine now. I wouldn't wish her any physical harm but I hope that one day it all catches up with her. An epiphany that releases all the suppressed guilt she must surely carry if she has any conscience at all? I doubt it'll happen though. She will grow old and eventually die believing she did nothing wrong.

[keiji]

Yeah that's how I feel about mine now. I wouldn't wish her any physical harm but I hope that one day it all catches up with her. An epiphany that releases all the suppressed guilt she must surely carry if she has any conscience at all? I doubt it'll happen though. She will grow old and eventually die believing she did nothing wrong.

 

Don't be so sure about that. I'm not a very spiritual person, at least in the standard sense, but I firmly believe in karma, which is basically a different way of saying "you rip what you sow". If you treat your friends poorly, I don't think there's some cosmic force that will act against you. You'll simply be friendless sooner or later. How many guys do you think she can mistreat until she runs into someone who's fed up with bull**** after some bad experience (like us now, for instance) or who has met someone like her in the past and will know how to deal with her?

 

I met this German girl last summer. She was incredibly beautiful and smart and everybody thought she was the one for me, but there was something about her that made me suspicious. It took a while before I realized she reminded me of a girlfriend I had when I was 20, with whom I ended up breaking up and never regretted it. Their behavior and take on relationships was worryingly similar, so I started keeping a safe distance and watching, which she didn't take gladly. She's very close to her ex-boyfriend, and one day she called him to tell him how she felt and talk about my change of attitude towards her, and he replied: "He's doing to you what you did to me and all your previous boyfriends. Here's your karma, baby". As one might expect, I ended up breaking up with her too.

 

I've only started a thread here on LS, and it was a couple of weeks ago when I learnt that my ex-wife's boyfriend, the guy she left me for, had broken up with her. I felt deeply satisfied that at last she had been given her due (the thread is called "Feeling bad about feeling good" and the details of how she behaved with me might cheer you up, guys. She's Satan). I hesitated at first, thinking that being happy about other people's misery is not right, but what the hell. She deserves it.

 

So carry on with your life, don't wait for it to happen, but it will. It's simple maths. And when it happens, don't feel bad about feeling rewarded. She's pathetic and she treated you awfully. She deserves it too.

[PLT]

Thanks keiji. I will go and find your thread and have a read. I like your perspective. It's weird how therapists, doctors, family, friends, online buddies such as yourselves all have the same perspective on my ex, but I still blame myself. I still tell myself that if only I had done x, y, and z when a, b, and c happened things would be different. I know logically that this is my inner demons talking, or however you like to put it.

 

Oh I really, REALLY hope someone does to her what she has done to me. I honestly don't think i'll ever fully open up to a woman again. She has damaged my trust and faith in relationships irrevocably. I'm sure she would be secretly proud of that. I keep coming back to although I would not class myself as best friends with any of my exes, I wish them all well, there's no animosity, and in some cases we have a good acquaintance type relationship and being civil is easy. This ex seems to want to utterly destroy whoever she breaks up with, and then carrying that anger through to the next one. Much of the anger I experienced from her was related to one or more of her exes, she spoke A LOT about how much exes had wronged her. Then all of a sudden, she turned that anger onto me. All of it. And still is, 6 months later.

 

On the plus side, the careers advice meeting went quite well, and my son is coming over to mine after work, and he picked up Horizon Zero Dawn to bring over, and we are going to see Logan at the weekend, which is meant to be fantastic.

 

Apologies for yet another long post. So much is still going on in my mind and it helps to lay it out in black and white. Part of me just wants to stand on her rooftop and shouting at the top of my voice "Whooaaaaaa! The person you are painting me as is NOT me. I know it, YOU know it, and everybody that actually knows me knows it." It feels like I'm being slandered but have no right of reply. It sucks.

[keiji]

I forgot I had started another thread previously. It's this one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/614101-feeling-bad-about-feeling-good

 

When I re-read that, I remember why I'm also finding it very, very hard to open up and even think about the possibility of a future relationship. Fortunately, our brain does a great work erasing bad experiences. There's only so much burden we can carry on our shoulders.

[Cookies101]

I have just received an email from police regarding the email I sent to her about the items.

 

What a piece of work! At least now you have your answer. Now you can throw her stuff out, hopefully you have her thoughts in writing, so it won't come back on you later.

Edited March 2, 2017 by Cookies101

[Bromeo]

You find out a lot about a person during and post break up.

 

I have just received an email from police regarding the email I sent to her about the items. Basically saying she doesn't care about the items and she wants nothing to do with me and to not contact her again for any reason. Nice that she has got the bloody police to do her dirty work for her. She hasn't even got the courtesy, or courage to tell me herself. I still haven't been given any reason by her as to why she dumped me so it should come as no surprise really. I'm a maelstrom of emotions right now, but she has got what she wanted. I hate her. That she couldn't have the basic human decency to give a simple answer to a simple question, and instead chose to go to the trouble of calling police AGAIN, knowing full well what effect that might have, emotionally. Fine. I've got the message, but why am I the bad guy here?????? I'm not a bad guy

 

ZERO empathy, ZERO compassion, ZERO decency. Like she doesn't even remember the many great times we shared, and doesn't feel she owes me some basic human compassion and understanding due to that. It seems we really do have very, very different core values. She pretty much doesn't care whether I'm alive or dead. I have to be honest and say that hurts like a mofo. Almost 7 years written off completely, as if it didn't happen, only now I'm now 7 years older. I now am almost certain that during the summer when we briefly got back together, all she was doing was monkey-branching me. It would explain the complete 180 just when things seemed to be improving. It would explain why she sabotaged our "recovery" at the drop of a hat.

 

Because police have been involved, and they appear to be "taking her side", I now think maybe she was right. Maybe it is me with the problem, not her. Maybe I am a ****ty boyfriend, ****ty dad, and ****ty friend that she told me I was. I guess now I'm known around her circles as the crazy, stalking ex, just like all the others. The thing is although I miss her, and ultimately it's not what I want, I accept now, and probably have for a couple of months, that it is over, and will never work. I'm just a believer in trying to end things and tie up loose ends as amicably as possible. It seems she enjoys ending things as dramatically as possible, as evidenced both from our BU, and all of her past BUs, including friends she just "cuts off" with no warning or even attempt at discussion about any issue. ****s sake I'm in tears writing this and I have an appointment with a careers advisor in an hour.

 

Speed dating was ok. There are a fair few I will "tick", maybe 5 or 6 out of the 12. I'm not sure many if any will tick me back though, mainly due to the age difference. After being among the youngest at the first one I went to, last night I was among the oldest. Some women like that I guess, so we will see.

 

Hmmm, let's just say I find an email sent by the police as curious. The law enforcement I know do not send emails, they call or show up in person. Cops, by nature aren't passive. Might be a difference in nations though.

[PLT]

It was definitely a bona fide police officer. It came from the right email domain. I did find the email a little unprofessional though. He probably sent an email as he couldn't be bothered to drive 40 miles to be her messenger boy, but knows he has to follow up on any complaint. Also probably knows that currently, despite their threats, no charge would stick..

 

"Here's the evidence your honour, 4 emails in 4 months. One of which is simply saying Happy New Year and goodbye, and another asking a simple, practical question which did not require a police officers time or expertise to answer. Clearly a deranged stalker your honour. I rest my case."

 

Cookies 101 nails it. A real piece of work. She presents herself as innocent and naive. She is anything but. I just wish I knew her reasoning to do what she has done. The only possible reasoning I can see is that she is vindictive. She told me of exes that used to be violent to her. She never once involved the police. Yet I send a few emails trying to make sense of the cluster**** that has happened and then go about the break up in what I call a "normal" way, and I'm being threatened with prosecution? What a huge overreaction. All she needed to do was do nothing, and I would have had my question answered. But she actively CHOSE to try and make trouble for me. Again.

 

But then this is all coming from a person who believes that you go to hell if you don't get christened (she isn't even religious!), and that blonde hair and blue eyes is a sign of purity, yet its morally fine to treat people who you claimed to love and care about for years like **** on your shoe and then blame them for it.

 

I just hope the next / current mug that falls for her damsel in distress routine realises quickly that the way she talks about me and all the other crazy exs is the way she will be talking about them when it all goes sideways. And it will go sideways because I can see no self respecting man willing to put up with the chaos and drama that comes with her long term. And she doesn't think she does anything wrong so she won't change, and as I found out, the mask eventually slips.

 

I put up with it for a long time but even I got to the point where I realised that she was just so emotionally and mentally draining to be with, playing her messed up head games. It's when I tried to address this that she flipped the switch in her head, making me the villain. It's like I saw the real her, I saw behind the mask, and wouldn't "just accept" all the weird behaviour, and that is what has made her so bitter and angry towards me. Anyone that says "You should be happy I get angry at you, it shows I care." is pretty messed up in my opinion.

 

I'm usually as calm and laid back as they come. I don't like holding grudges, I try to live and let live, but I have been pushed to the absolute limits of my patience, understanding and compassion.

[keiji]

I put up with it for a long time but even I got to the point where I realised that she was just so emotionally and mentally draining to be with, playing her messed up head games. It's when I tried to address this that she flipped the switch in her head, making me the villain. It's like I saw the real her, I saw behind the mask, and wouldn't "just accept" all the weird behaviour, and that is what has made her so bitter and angry towards me.

 

This is exactly what my shrink told me about my ex-wife, so you may be on the right track to finally tie all those loose ends. People like her put on a mask and pretend they are someone they really aren't. Many people do this, granted, particularly in these times of social media stupidity, but I'm talking about pathological levels here, which is probably her case. The charade can't last forever, so at some moment you start noticing that the script doesn't match the images.

 

When you confront them about it they only have two options: admitting that they were faking it all along or running away. They invariably choose the second one. You've discovered the real "them", or something close to it, because they don't really know who they are anymore after playing different roles all their lives, and they hate you for it. She can't let you talk and let people know that she's is not what she seems, she can't let you "be right", so she takes preemptive measures: she vilifies you, which she does gladly because, again, she hates you. It's not your mind playing tricks, it's not the mourning process altering your perception of reality: she hates you.

 

BTW, did she had any abandonment issues that you know of?

[Bromeo]

It was definitely a bona fide police officer. It came from the right email domain. I did find the email a little unprofessional though. He probably sent an email as he couldn't be bothered to drive 40 miles to be her messenger boy, but knows he has to follow up on any complaint. Also probably knows that currently, despite their threats, no charge would stick..

 

"Here's the evidence your honour, 4 emails in 4 months. One of which is simply saying Happy New Year and goodbye, and another asking a simple, practical question which did not require a police officers time or expertise to answer. Clearly a deranged stalker your honour. I rest my case."

 

Cookies 101 nails it. A real piece of work. She presents herself as innocent and naive. She is anything but. I just wish I knew her reasoning to do what she has done. The only possible reasoning I can see is that she is vindictive. She told me of exes that used to be violent to her. She never once involved the police. Yet I send a few emails trying to make sense of the cluster**** that has happened and then go about the break up in what I call a "normal" way, and I'm being threatened with prosecution? What a huge overreaction. All she needed to do was do nothing, and I would have had my question answered. But she actively CHOSE to try and make trouble for me. Again.

 

But then this is all coming from a person who believes that you go to hell if you don't get christened (she isn't even religious!), and that blonde hair and blue eyes is a sign of purity, yet its morally fine to treat people who you claimed to love and care about for years like **** on your shoe and then blame them for it.

 

I just hope the next / current mug that falls for her damsel in distress routine realises quickly that the way she talks about me and all the other crazy exs is the way she will be talking about them when it all goes sideways. And it will go sideways because I can see no self respecting man willing to put up with the chaos and drama that comes with her long term. And she doesn't think she does anything wrong so she won't change, and as I found out, the mask eventually slips.

 

I put up with it for a long time but even I got to the point where I realised that she was just so emotionally and mentally draining to be with, playing her messed up head games. It's when I tried to address this that she flipped the switch in her head, making me the villain. It's like I saw the real her, I saw behind the mask, and wouldn't "just accept" all the weird behaviour, and that is what has made her so bitter and angry towards me. Anyone that says "You should be happy I get angry at you, it shows I care." is pretty messed up in my opinion.

 

I'm usually as calm and laid back as they come. I don't like holding grudges, I try to live and let live, but I have been pushed to the absolute limits of my patience, understanding and compassion.

 

Morning gents,

 

Brother, if you sending 4 emails needs the cops, then I should be locked away for my crazy ass behavior. Lol

 

You've got to accept that loud and clear, this needs to be the last time you reach out. She is a terrible person.

 

Once your self confidence comes back up, you'll be angry you tolerated this nonsense in your life, which is exactly what happened to me. It doesn't mean we don't care and miss our stupid exs, it means we value ourselves more than to live in the drama. I guarantee you mine would still be playing her immature push pull games if I hadn't cut her off.

 

Keiji is right about universal balance. For my mistakes in my RS, I was given months of pain. For her playing games and hurting me, there will be some recompense. And no, I won't feel bad about feeling good about it.

 

I oftentimes think of some petty measure of retaliation for my months of woe, as I'm sure everyone does. Then I remember she is not on my level anymore, and makes me look weak.

 

In your case, good lord this girl is a wreck. And I stress girl. Vent here, your friends will listen as much as you need it.

 

As I think of it, I do think I might email her the link to my thread when I finally move. Her reading the opinion of the transnational crowd here would make me smile. Hmmmmm.... lol

[PLT]

Keiji, No abandonment issues that I know of. It would make sense if she did have, although she is the one that does the abandoning. She does kinda have pretty big "daddy" issues though. I suspect that is where most of her issues with anger, trust, communication, and commitment stem from. I hate to put it like that but can't think of a nicer way to put it.

 

It's a shame police couldn't tell her to grow up and just answer the bloody question herself. Again, it's a recurring thing I've seen from her when I look back in hindsight, both with her personal relationships and professional ones too. She gets others to do her dirty work for her.

 

Haha what a sweet, sweet bit of revenge that would be Bromeo You are so right to use the word "girl". It fits her very well. I often used to feel that I'd get more sense from my pre-teen son.

 

Maybe it's because the sun is shining and I've just been relaxing, trying not to stress about anything at all, but today is a better day. It also helped to get some of that anger out in my morning rant lol.

[keiji]

Keiji, No abandonment issues that I know of. It would make sense if she did have, although she is the one that does the abandoning. She does kinda have pretty big "daddy" issues though.

 

Feeling unloved by your parents or having a bad relationship with them can amount to perceived abandonment, so I wouldn't discard this option. People like that tend to abandon you before you have a chance to abandon them. It's like they spend their whole lives planning a getaway. They also expect you to chase them and enjoy seeing you beg, only to kick you out of their lives again. And if you don't chase them or stop doing it, they hold a lot of resentment towards you.

[whatdeww18]

It was definitely a bona fide police officer. It came from the right email domain. I did find the email a little unprofessional though. He probably sent an email as he couldn't be bothered to drive 40 miles to be her messenger boy, but knows he has to follow up on any complaint. Also probably knows that currently, despite their threats, no charge would stick..

 

"Here's the evidence your honour, 4 emails in 4 months. One of which is simply saying Happy New Year and goodbye, and another asking a simple, practical question which did not require a police officers time or expertise to answer. Clearly a deranged stalker your honour. I rest my case."

 

Cookies 101 nails it. A real piece of work. She presents herself as innocent and naive. She is anything but. I just wish I knew her reasoning to do what she has done. The only possible reasoning I can see is that she is vindictive. She told me of exes that used to be violent to her. She never once involved the police. Yet I send a few emails trying to make sense of the cluster**** that has happened and then go about the break up in what I call a "normal" way, and I'm being threatened with prosecution? What a huge overreaction. All she needed to do was do nothing, and I would have had my question answered. But she actively CHOSE to try and make trouble for me. Again.

 

But then this is all coming from a person who believes that you go to hell if you don't get christened (she isn't even religious!), and that blonde hair and blue eyes is a sign of purity, yet its morally fine to treat people who you claimed to love and care about for years like **** on your shoe and then blame them for it.

 

I just hope the next / current mug that falls for her damsel in distress routine realises quickly that the way she talks about me and all the other crazy exs is the way she will be talking about them when it all goes sideways. And it will go sideways because I can see no self respecting man willing to put up with the chaos and drama that comes with her long term. And she doesn't think she does anything wrong so she won't change, and as I found out, the mask eventually slips.

 

I put up with it for a long time but even I got to the point where I realised that she was just so emotionally and mentally draining to be with, playing her messed up head games. It's when I tried to address this that she flipped the switch in her head, making me the villain. It's like I saw the real her, I saw behind the mask, and wouldn't "just accept" all the weird behaviour, and that is what has made her so bitter and angry towards me. Anyone that says "You should be happy I get angry at you, it shows I care." is pretty messed up in my opinion.

 

I'm usually as calm and laid back as they come. I don't like holding grudges, I try to live and let live, but I have been pushed to the absolute limits of my patience, understanding and compassion.

 

So, I didn't think it was a fake email. The police usually do have to respond to complaints and the way you pictured your ex here, it sounds like she had no hesitation to ring up the police again. I wanted to wait a bit to hear a little more before I commented. Honestly, the police officer that spoke to your ex was probably just thinking: "Great, another couple that can't sort out their issues by themselves." Had it been anything near abuse, would be a different story. But, I can almost assure you, the police officer probably just rolled his eyes.

 

This goes to my next point that you are questioning yourself and your potential as a boyfriend/father/etc. It's what a break up does. It cracks at our sense of self and individuality as we tend to form this bond with another person. We spend a large portion of ourselves with someone, open up to them, and grow. So when that is shattered, so does the perceived sense of self. Just take this time to slowly learn who you are, just you, again. When you do, that feeling of validation that what you did wasn't actually all that crazy, and just part of a normal relationship, shines through.

 

The reason guys have a harder time with this is for a solid few reasons. Unlike women, you don't have as supporting a social circle. Sweetfish mentioned this before in a different thread. But kid you not, women back each other, even if we did something wrong. AND it's consistent. Guys don't do that. Your friends probably get tired of hearing it or just tell you to move on. You don't have a friend ready to drag you around to help you see the world has quite a bit to offer, at all times of the day and night. Women do.

 

She will get burned eventually. There aren't that many nice guys out there. Someone will not take her BS behavior and it'll bite her in the butt. Don't worry.

 

Keiji, No abandonment issues that I know of. It would make sense if she did have, although she is the one that does the abandoning. She does kinda have pretty big "daddy" issues though. I suspect that is where most of her issues with anger, trust, communication, and commitment stem from. I hate to put it like that but can't think of a nicer way to put it.

 

It's a shame police couldn't tell her to grow up and just answer the bloody question herself. Again, it's a recurring thing I've seen from her when I look back in hindsight, both with her personal relationships and professional ones too. She gets others to do her dirty work for her.

 

Haha what a sweet, sweet bit of revenge that would be Bromeo You are so right to use the word "girl". It fits her very well. I often used to feel that I'd get more sense from my pre-teen son.

 

Maybe it's because the sun is shining and I've just been relaxing, trying not to stress about anything at all, but today is a better day. It also helped to get some of that anger out in my morning rant lol.

 

Therapists/shrinks/psychotherapist, generally work by the same principle: Listen, repetitively to the same things, and help you to come to conclusions by yourself while avoiding any triggers. Don't try to identify what issues she might have or might not have. Doesn't help you. Even if you knew that she had some abandonment issue, would it help? You would jump to another problem that doesn't pertain to that issue and still feel the pain. It's going to be her job to find out what issues she may have and fix it. Your job is to stay the hell away.

 

All you really have to know is this "girl" has got some things to work out herself and you should be happy to have gotten yourself out of that mess. Get your anger and frustrations out, here.

[keiji]

Therapists/shrinks/psychotherapist, generally work by the same principle: Listen, repetitively to the same things, and help you to come to conclusions by yourself while avoiding any triggers. Don't try to identify what issues she might have or might not have. Doesn't help you. Even if you knew that she had some abandonment issue, would it help? You would jump to another problem that doesn't pertain to that issue and still feel the pain. It's going to be her job to find out what issues she may have and fix it. Your job is to stay the hell away.

 

You're right, but understanding why she seems to be taking a revenge on him can be good to help him move on. It worked for me after months of constant punishment from my ex-wife, who had cheated on me and left. So on top of the pain, I had to put up with her constant attacks and I was going mad trying to understand why. When I knew I could finally start ignoring her dirty tricks. I think it's good to connect the dots. I don't know anyone who's capable of moving on without at least thinking they "understand".

[whatdeww18]

You're right, but understanding why she seems to be taking a revenge on him can be good to help him move on. It worked for me after months of constant punishment from my ex-wife, who had cheated on me and left. So on top of the pain, I had to put up with her constant attacks and I was going mad trying to understand why. When I knew I could finally start ignoring her dirty tricks. I think it's good to connect the dots. I don't know anyone who's capable of moving on without at least thinking they "understand".

 

Hm, what do you mean by "her dirty tricks?"

[PLT]

Yeah I understand not trying to diagnose her or over analyse. I have issues of my own I need to look at. Keiji is right in that it helps to connect the dots as to why she has behaved the way she has. It helps me to reinforce that it wasn't just me. I don't absolve myself of blame, it takes two.

 

I have to keep reassuring myself that I didn't imagine it all, and that I didn't deserve the "punishments" she dealt out. When someone you love and is constantly telling you that they love you also then tells you often enough that you deserve all the verbal abuse, the silent treatments, the under the breath put downs, and the belittling, you believe it.

 

About a year ago just before she ghosted me, I threw an old card away that she gave to me, out of anger at what she was doing. The 10 days prior to her ghosting me were a microcosm of everything wrong with the relationship. I got frustrated, started clearing out memories of her, boxing things up. For some reason this card made me really angry and I tore it up and threw it away. She found out and went mental. That day I got a 5 hour battering on everything that I had ever done wrong, even things from before we met that I had trusted her with sharing. It was just an utter pummeling. I sat and took it for 5 hours. All started over a £0.99 card. Then the fog cleared, she switched back and was then acting like nothing happened, that she hadn't just torn into me for hours on end. This sort of thing happened a lot. The "switch". The Jeckyll and Hyde. I've never seen anything like it before to be honest. It really was like 2 completely different people.

 

Is it really any wonder I want to make sure she doesn't want the expensive bits of furniture she gave me back before disposing of them?

 

Of course, the police don't know the card story so yes I can imagine him not being best pleased with having to deal with a ex-couple that cant communicate. That's on her. If I had actually broken any laws, I would have already been arrested.

 

But the main thing I have to think about is forwards. I know I can dump all her stuff, and I know that I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than have someone in my life that is happy to treat people the way she does.

 

I always start these posts thinking I'll just write a line or two, then my mind goes off on one. Writing it all down, sometimes repeating the same things, helps to unravel all the knots in my head though, so thanks to you all. You guys are freaking awesome.

Edited March 2, 2017 by PLT

[PLT]

I'm obviously angry about the whole thing, and its good to vent that here.

 

Deep down though, I feel sorry for her. I don't want to, I want to feel nothing but anger towards her. It would make getting over it fully so much easier. I figuratively walked through fire to keep our relationship going. She won't get that sort of commitment and determination from everyone. I did everything in my power to show her I loved her, over an extended period of time. Was I perfect? Hell, no. Neither is anyone else. I fought to the bitter end. I never completely gave up on us until I got that email yesterday. I really, really could have done no more. I am spent.

 

My biggest hope is that she one day realises what she actively sabotaged over a long period of time and then eventually discarded like trash.

[whatdeww18]

Since very few people can follow advice to a "T," and we all flounder in taking the proper steps, it ends up that way. It's very understandable and I made just about every other mistake in the book, so I know exactly what you mean.

 

In essence, whatever can help you move on is what should be done in our minds. That may be trying to "fix" what's wrong, understanding an ex, etc... to the point where we get hurt beyond belief and can't take it anymore. We understand we deserve more and don't need to be belittled the way we were.

 

That all could have been avoided and one could heal properly if:

1. 100% No Contact was implemented, nothing from either side.

2. Focusing on yourself, and only yourself.

 

It's hard because we try to figure out what we did was so wrong or where things went wrong. There are so many questions that we try to find the answers to, logically speaking. We seek these answers from our ex. Even if you get them from your ex, it usually doesn't happen in the way that would be beneficial. Most times, it's just more pain that you're asking for. Seen in both of your cases as well as mine. However, we get to a point of emotional exhaustion and realize, had we accepted the break up earlier, we would have saved ourselves a lot of pain. It's being lost and searching for an answer, where your ex's have completely shut feelings off towards you, that you return to yourself and find the answer, eventually.

 

Closure comes from within. You answer the questions. Healing helps with this a lot. Of course, all this is textbook. Who even reads textbooks these days?

 

Also, why break ups and conversations are a vicious cycle. You re-visit questions, issues, as you wish to give them an answer. Sometimes, there really is no answer except to just let it go.

 

Also, feel free to debate against me haha. All this has been from books/advice/introspection/Sweetfish/friends, so I'm still learning. Since men and women go through break ups differently, I am still identifying which pieces of advice better suit one gender compared to the other.

Edited March 2, 2017 by whatdeww18

[PLT]

"Sometimes, there really is no answer except to just let it go."

 

Whatdeww, you are absolutely bang on. All your post makes sense, and this line in particular hits home. I guess I'm getting to that point now. I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted from it all.

 

I wish I'd stuck to my guns 18 months ago. 20/20 hindsight.

 

From my experience the biggest difference in how each gender processes break ups is in the order they do things. Men lose it at first, then gradually regain their composure and self respect, and eventually learn to accept it.

 

Women seem to accept it fairly quickly initially, but then have their introspection and questions going through their head they want answered way down the line once the dust has settled. I have had one or two exes get back in touch with me after multiple years had passed. I hope the ex that brought me here doesn't, as I really don't know how I can possibly forgive her. Although I say shes like a little girl, she isn't one. She's a fully grown woman with an adult aged child and she knows exactly what she's been doing.