Still struggling

[whatdeww18]

"Sometimes, there really is no answer except to just let it go."

 

Whatdeww, you are absolutely bang on. All your post makes sense, and this line in particular hits home. I guess I'm getting to that point now. I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted from it all.

 

I wish I'd stuck to my guns 18 months ago. 20/20 hindsight.

 

From my experience the biggest difference in how each gender processes break ups is in the order they do things. Men lose it at first, then gradually regain their composure and self respect, and eventually learn to accept it.

 

Women seem to accept it fairly quickly initially, but then have their introspection and questions going through their head they want answered way down the line once the dust has settled. I have had one or two exes get back in touch with me after multiple years had passed. I hope the ex that brought me here doesn't, as I really don't know how I can possibly forgive her. Although I say shes like a little girl, she isn't one. She's a fully grown woman with an adult aged child and she knows exactly what she's been doing.

 

Haha I'm glad my posts make sense! I read through them sometimes, and I think I'm on some drug writing nonsense... But I agree, letting go is simply the best thing to do but so very difficult.

 

I would have to agree with your statements. It does seem like a reversal of stand points for the genders. That's so interesting that it took your ex's such a long period to reach back out. But just goes to show you, the break up hits, just don't know when haha.

 

I've got to say, maybe it's because I'm a nerd and a women, I feel like I'm a mesh of the two. It's been a rough day and the break up has hit again. Went through a short period of hating my ex but then got back my groove of letting go of someone with love. Cliche as it sounds, I think it's the best way to move forward, in a healthy light. Rough patches hit hard, but I still don't feel the urge to reach out, thankfully. Writing here seems to help a lot.

 

Hoping everyone had a great day!

[PLT]

Morning friends,

 

I'm done with dating and relationships, for the foreseeable future. I have issues I need to deal with that my ex has kindly left me with before I even consider it. The main one being trust. I've always been a very trusting person, but this last relationship has completely crushed that. Right now, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust a woman again. I've become jaded and cynical about peoples motives, and about life in general. Although I miss the intimacy, I just really don't think I have the strength or desire to lay myself out to be stamped on anymore.

 

Two of my most recent long term relationships went on a similar route in some ways, although in others it couldn't have been more different. For years, they want me to open up and share my feelings and talk about how various things that I've dealt with in the past and for years I resist going too deep into it. They know the basics. Abused as a kid by a neighbour, father killed himself when I was 14, lost 2 children to a genetic illness. Like it or not these three things in some respects define who I am and why I do what I do (like giving people more chances than I should for example). But I don't really go into it. Eventually, I trust them fully and will speak more openly about these things and the feelings attached to them and they just can't handle it. The relationship goes south slowly from that point on.

 

To her credit, at least in the other exs case, she dealt with it in a more mature, adult way, and actually said that she couldn't handle what I'd gone through. She answered all my questions, and didn't seek to hurt me any more than I was from the break up itself. Today we are friendly enough, and she is a very good mother to our son. The recent one ended up using all that very personal and sensitive information against me, to hurt me. It's no wonder I said some things I'm not proud of.

 

My therapist told me that I need to realise that I'm a normal person, and these things I'm not proud of saying were a normal reaction to extreme provocation. She also told me that she was proud of me and had faith in me as many people would have given up on life after dealing with what I have.

 

I am trying every day to give myself positive reinforcement. I find it difficult though. I wasn't neglected as a child, but it wasn't a house filled with love either. I can't remember either parent ever saying they were proud of me, although my father was better at showing it without saying it. After my dad died my mother and I had a terrible relationship for years, although it did get better eventually. This is the sort of thing the ex would throw back in my face in anger on a regular basis.

 

My nephew died aged 27, not too long ago. He was a recovering heroin addict. He died from an insulin overdose. There was no heroin in his system when he died. The details are sketchy at best. He was like a little brother to me and I, his aunties and my mum did absolutely everything we could to help him. My ex said to me, within the past 8 months, "Maybe if you and your family made more effort with him it wouldn't have happened". She also listened to her male "friend" say "People who do drugs deserve everything they get" right in front of me, and she didn't say a word. The guy is lucky he wasn't eating from a hospital bed that night, but I kept my cool and just gritted my teeth. I couldn't say anything as if I had opened my mouth I would have lost it. When I brought it up later, my ex later claimed to have not heard him, which I don't believe for a second. She was standing right next to me and was taking part in what was being said.

 

Her son, who is an adult, once screamed at me that his steak was cold after I'd driven over there and immediately started the cooking that my ex was supposed to be doing but was stressed when I arrived so I took over for her. I mean literally shouted "It's cold!!!!!!!" She said nothing. When I brought it up later she said "Well was it cold?" That isn't the point! The point is the way your son spoke to me, especially considering how often she went on and on about "respect".

 

I could go on and on and on. Remembering and writing these things down gives me some of that positive reinforcement I'm looking for. Not by putting her down, but by remembering the hypocrisy and the cruelty and realising that I am far, far better off without her in my life in any capacity.

 

When my son died in 1999, my whole world fell apart. For 6 years I was the walking dead. A zombie. Existing but not living. I got through that, I'll get through this as well. It doesn't even compare.

 

My hope is that one day, when I am more ready for it, someone will come into my life by chance, through work or a hobby maybe, and a relationship will develop naturally. I just know I'm done searching for it.

 

Another essay lol. Hope you all have a good Friday!

[whatdeww18]

Morning friends,

 

I'm done with dating and relationships, for the foreseeable future. I have issues I need to deal with that my ex has kindly left me with before I even consider it. The main one being trust. I've always been a very trusting person, but this last relationship has completely crushed that. Right now, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust a woman again. I've become jaded and cynical about peoples motives, and about life in general. Although I miss the intimacy, I just really don't think I have the strength or desire to lay myself out to be stamped on anymore.

 

Two of my most recent long term relationships went on a similar route in some ways, although in others it couldn't have been more different. For years, they want me to open up and share my feelings and talk about how various things that I've dealt with in the past and for years I resist going too deep into it. They know the basics. Abused as a kid by a neighbour, father killed himself when I was 14, lost 2 children to a genetic illness. Like it or not these three things in some respects define who I am and why I do what I do (like giving people more chances than I should for example). But I don't really go into it. Eventually, I trust them fully and will speak more openly about these things and the feelings attached to them and they just can't handle it. The relationship goes south slowly from that point on.

 

To her credit, at least in the other exs case, she dealt with it in a more mature, adult way, and actually said that she couldn't handle what I'd gone through. She answered all my questions, and didn't seek to hurt me any more than I was from the break up itself. Today we are friendly enough, and she is a very good mother to our son. The recent one ended up using all that very personal and sensitive information against me, to hurt me. It's no wonder I said some things I'm not proud of.

 

My therapist told me that I need to realise that I'm a normal person, and these things I'm not proud of saying were a normal reaction to extreme provocation. She also told me that she was proud of me and had faith in me as many people would have given up on life after dealing with what I have.

 

I am trying every day to give myself positive reinforcement. I find it difficult though. I wasn't neglected as a child, but it wasn't a house filled with love either. I can't remember either parent ever saying they were proud of me, although my father was better at showing it without saying it. After my dad died my mother and I had a terrible relationship for years, although it did get better eventually. This is the sort of thing the ex would throw back in my face in anger on a regular basis.

 

My nephew died aged 27, not too long ago. He was a recovering heroin addict. He died from an insulin overdose. There was no heroin in his system when he died. The details are sketchy at best. He was like a little brother to me and I, his aunties and my mum did absolutely everything we could to help him. My ex said to me, within the past 8 months, "Maybe if you and your family made more effort with him it wouldn't have happened". She also listened to her male "friend" say "People who do drugs deserve everything they get" right in front of me, and she didn't say a word. The guy is lucky he wasn't eating from a hospital bed that night, but I kept my cool and just gritted my teeth. I couldn't say anything as if I had opened my mouth I would have lost it. When I brought it up later, my ex later claimed to have not heard him, which I don't believe for a second. She was standing right next to me and was taking part in what was being said.

 

Her son, who is an adult, once screamed at me that his steak was cold after I'd driven over there and immediately started the cooking that my ex was supposed to be doing but was stressed when I arrived so I took over for her. I mean literally shouted "It's cold!!!!!!!" She said nothing. When I brought it up later she said "Well was it cold?" That isn't the point! The point is the way your son spoke to me, especially considering how often she went on and on about "respect".

 

I could go on and on and on. Remembering and writing these things down gives me some of that positive reinforcement I'm looking for. Not by putting her down, but by remembering the hypocrisy and the cruelty and realising that I am far, far better off without her in my life in any capacity.

 

When my son died in 1999, my whole world fell apart. For 6 years I was the walking dead. A zombie. Existing but not living. I got through that, I'll get through this as well. It doesn't even compare.

 

My hope is that one day, when I am more ready for it, someone will come into my life by chance, through work or a hobby maybe, and a relationship will develop naturally. I just know I'm done searching for it.

 

Another essay lol. Hope you all have a good Friday!

 

PLT,

 

Wow you have gone through so much in your life, like your therapist, I'm amazed at how you can keep going. You're a trooper. You're normal, yes, but you're special and unique.

 

Trust issues, I think, are the most common but also the hardest to overcome yourself. It's so very difficult as you are being vulnerable to another person. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to open up to people about this and they bail. I mean I understand it is a lot. It really is, which is why you really deserve respect.

 

I think you are doing what is best for you. Just take this time to reboot and do you for a while. Without anyone else being in the picture. The only thing that I may add is that you have to trust yourself, that you have become an amazing person going through what you have.

 

It's an amazing feeling when another person respects you for all that you've gone through and realizes all that you've gone through is what makes you, you. Someone will come along that sees this and will make you want to be a better person each and every day. Well, maybe not every day but they will stick through fire and ice with you.

 

Like you've said, as you work on yourself, she will come and rock your world. May be an ex or may be someone completely new, but the most important is being okay on your own for a while.

 

You are one great person and just remember that. Normal, yes, but also: special, unique, kind, caring, understanding, and all that.

[Cookies101]

My hope is that one day, when I am more ready for it, someone will come into my life by chance, through work or a hobby maybe, and a relationship will develop naturally. I just know I'm done searching for it.

 

Another essay lol. Hope you all have a good Friday!

 

You've already got more than het PLT.. You've got your astronomy. What's she got, except an air-brain?

 

Sounds like she's done an excellent job at raising her son, uh hum

[PLT]

Good Morning LS friends,

 

Just an update really. Things are going well. It's weird how you forget the little perks of being single and accountable only to yourself. Last night I decided I was going to get a takeaway for the first time in over a year! And I had to argue with myself to actually go and get it. Why? Because there is still that part of my brain that immediately comes out and says "xxxxx would moan about this as you being wasteful with your money". All this internal battling for an £8 takeaway.

 

I did get it, and enjoyed it, but there was still that hump to get over, even after all this time. It's fair to say it's taking me a long time to adjust to being single. But I am adjusting.

 

Mornings are still the most difficult time. For some reason I will think about her almost immediately after waking up. Having said that I am finding it easier to not think about her at all other times. I will say that now the emotions have died down a bit I'm finding it much easier to see quite how much she changed. It still baffles me but I don't dwell on that.

 

Not much of note has happened in my life. I got 72% and 82% on my last two assignments, which included calculus so I'm happy with that. I'm still looking for paid work and am trying not to get too down when I get zero replies. It's a numbers game and as a person with lower back issues, I will always need an employer to be willing to give me a chance. When every job has 100+ applications, it's always going to be a challenge being middle aged with medical issues in the job market.

 

With spring coming in, and the weather reflecting that (on some days at least!) I'm feeling brighter in general, although I still have days where I am completely unproductive and that does get on my nerves. However, repeating what my therapist told me "Be kind to yourself". I am still finding my feet post break up and trying to be a better me. I just struggle sometimes to know how to do that. I also struggle with motivation, which goes up and down. However, things are definitely improving so I just need to carry on doing what I'm doing. At least I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now!

 

I hope you are all doing well.

[keiji]

I'm glad to read you're doing better, PLT. You deserve to be OK and the only way is forward, which is exactly what you're doing now.

 

The pleasures of single life are many and, come to think of it, the pleasures of a relationship are counterbalanced by many headaches too. At least that's the way I see it. Since I've been on my own, I feel like I've progressively got my old self back. I feel I'm my 24-year-old version, right before I met my ex-wife. I'm way more positive and fun. I look around and see my friends cry with laughter when I get on stand-up comedy mode. Not that I didn't have a sense of humor before, but it's turned much less dark. You're leaving behind a very bad experience, but you'll get over it, and that is a triumph that makes you a much stronger and wiser person.

[divegrl]

Hi PLT!

 

Glad to hear you are doing better! My friend gave the quote, " heartbreak is an injury, be gentle with yourself ". Just like you need time and rest to recover from a broken leg, you need the same to recover from a broken heart! But you're getting there... so be proud of yourself!

 

Congrats on your studies! That is awesome! My uncle worked for NASA and I used to watch the shuttles take off from the beach as a kid!

 

Yes, I too feel like the spring weather helps. The bits of sunshine we are receiving, just helps lighted my mood. I have had some setbacks too, but we just gotta keep moving forward!

 

So good to see your journal post this morning! Stay strong my friend.

[PLT]

Hi PLT!

 

Glad to hear you are doing better! My friend gave the quote, " heartbreak is an injury, be gentle with yourself ". Just like you need time and rest to recover from a broken leg, you need the same to recover from a broken heart! But you're getting there... so be proud of yourself!

 

Congrats on your studies! That is awesome! My uncle worked for NASA and I used to watch the shuttles take off from the beach as a kid!

 

Yes, I too feel like the spring weather helps. The bits of sunshine we are receiving, just helps lighted my mood. I have had some setbacks too, but we just gotta keep moving forward!

 

So good to see your journal post this morning! Stay strong my friend.

 

You have no idea how jealous I am! haha

[Sweetfish]

"Sometimes, there really is no answer except to just let it go."

 

Whatdeww, you are absolutely bang on. All your post makes sense, and this line in particular hits home. I guess I'm getting to that point now. I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted from it all.

 

I wish I'd stuck to my guns 18 months ago. 20/20 hindsight.

 

From my experience the biggest difference in how each gender processes break ups is in the order they do things. Men lose it at first, then gradually regain their composure and self respect, and eventually learn to accept it.

 

Women seem to accept it fairly quickly initially, but then have their introspection and questions going through their head they want answered way down the line once the dust has settled. I have had one or two exes get back in touch with me after multiple years had passed. I hope the ex that brought me here doesn't, as I really don't know how I can possibly forgive her. Although I say shes like a little girl, she isn't one. She's a fully grown woman with an adult aged child and she knows exactly what she's been doing.

 

 

Women just process things differently... there are exceptions... but generally it takes them a LONG time to rationalize things. They shut down and when they shut down there is no point in engaging. Most men think that the women toss them away like trash and this is not the case... you simply have been buried deep within. Usually, they will reboot and those feeling come back.. but they depend on various factors.

 

That is why NC for men works in reconcile and NC for women is actually worse for reconcile. However, ppl here think men and women are the same mentally and invest in relationships equally.

 

There is no question your ex has a problematic situation with healthy control of her emotions and that anchor is bringing you down. You can only feel sorry for her as she may never have a healthy relationship in the future...imagine how your kids would respond later in the future to this type of behavior..

 

Trust me. I know its tough.. and here you can let out everything as many times as you need to.

[PLT]

It's the complete change of character that I find the hardest to stomach. 180? More like 720! It was around 2 years ago now that some switch inside her flipped and all the aggro started. I clearly remember her saying "Doesn't it worry you that we don't really argue?". Sure enough, from that point on we argued more and more, because she created more and more drama. Before that we had disagreements sure, but they were dealt with by talking about it. Suddenly, and I mean almost overnight, that changed. There was no longer any reasoning with her, and she would pick up on just about anything in order to "have a go".

 

I suppose I just wish we had got our heads together, decided it wasn't working and split amicably instead of all the bad feeling there is now. I no longer trust people. I no longer think relationships are worth the hassle and drama they bring. I don't want to feel like that as it means she has destroyed me and I don't want her to have that power over me still.

 

I never feel malice towards people, and used to pride myself in seeing the good in people, and yet I find myself hoping that things don't go as she plans and she has that horrible realisation that she treated me and our relationship disgustingly and the guilt eats her up. Somehow I doubt it. I have never seen her show remorse or guilt for anything she has done to me, or anyone else. She justifies her actions by vilifying the other person. I've seen it again and again. She has certainly done that to me.

 

I hope the people around her see how two (or ten) faced she is sooner than I did. She is the sort of person who would bump into someone in the street, smile sweetly and exchange pleasantries, only to slag them off as soon as they were out of earshot. The sort of person who doesn't have a good word to say about someone for years, and then is suddenly their best friend. A self absorbed, vindictive, dishonest, two faced user. Which is 1,000,000 miles from who I thought she was for so long. That's what is so, so difficult to get over. I don't want to vilify her, but I don't think I am. Everything I say really did happen. I would much rather be able to look back fondly at our time together while accepting that it just wasn't to be. She has taken that from me, and I hate her for it.

 

My tennis set (2 rackets and 3 balls) arrived today, and I got my whiteboard yesterday (I go through notebooks like they are going out of fashion with maths and equations and so on!) Things I find myself internally having to justify buying when I really don't need to anymore.

[elaine567]

It was around 2 years ago now that some switch inside her flipped and all the aggro started. I clearly remember her saying "Doesn't it worry you that we don't really argue?". Sure enough, from that point on we argued more and more, because she created more and more drama. Before that we had disagreements sure, but they were dealt with by talking about it. Suddenly, and I mean almost overnight, that changed. There was no longer any reasoning with her, and she would pick up on just about anything in order to "have a go".

 

I guess, you never argued not because you were so compatible, but because she compromised, she bit her tongue, she smoothed the waters and because she held it all in.

The "Doesn't it worry you that we don't really argue?" was her telling you that.

I guess you didn't change for the better in her eyes, so she decided she needed to let you know just how she really felt. Anger and resentment took over and you were presented with a far different woman.

 

She should have really walked away at that point and so should you. The honeymoon was over and what was left wasn't pretty.

Edited March 16, 2017 by elaine567
typo

[PLT]

I guess, you never argued not because you were so compatible, but because she compromised, she bit her tongue, she smoothed the waters and because she held it all in.

The "Doesn't it worry you that we don't really argue?" was her telling you that.

I guess you didn't change for the better in her eyes, so she decided she needed to let you know just how she really felt. Anger and resentment took over and you were presented with a far different woman.

 

She should have really walked away at that point and so should you. The honeymoon was over and what was left wasn't pretty.

 

I see where you're coming from and I sort of agree. We did have arguments, but because they weren't shouty, abusive, stand up slanging matches she didn't see them as such.

 

She now openly admits to not "doing" resolution, which is the crux for me. How on earth can you deal with any issue, big or small, if you have no intention of reaching a resolution.

 

I really can't see where she compromised. It was me doing all the compromising. She never budged an inch. She may have compromised in terms of what she was looking for in a partner, but then she should have communicated that to me, instead of letting me think that we were completely compatible. She was the "leader" in that narrative, not me. It was she who constantly said things to make me believe we were made for each other. And then, once I fully believed and committed to it, she started pulling the rug.

 

I do agree that we probably should have parted once the honeymoon period was over, as it just went downhill from then on, despite all my efforts. As above, when someone doesn't want to resolve anything, there's not really much you can do about it.

 

In my view, she just couldn't keep the pretense up of being who she presented herself as during our first few years together. Once the mask slipped a tiny bit, it snowballed off.

 

The her that I knew for ~5 years, and was in a relationship for ~3 years with, we were very compatible. We both said that. Only when she seemed to change her world view and core values almost overnight did she become someone that I am not compatible with. I understand that peoples views change, but to believe in, and become the polar opposite of what you had believed in and been for years before seems bizarre to me. I don't mean religious beliefs. I mean things like what really matters in life, and views on how relationships work. Her view of these sort of things matched mine for years, and then the switch flipped and she now thinks the opposite. (or what her new toy thinks. In hindsight, there was a ton of mirroring on her part)

 

I sometimes wonder if she knows what her outlook is, or who she is. It appears to change regularly and dramatically.

 

At the end of the day, it's clear to me that we were never compatible. Perhaps if she was honest about her views from the start things would never have gone anywhere. I'd have run a mile! I only found out about things like her racist and sexist attitude this past 18 months or so, and they are just the tip of the iceberg. I guess I feel like I've been duped for the best part of a decade. It angers me that after saying so much to make me believe she was also in it for the long haul, she just bailed. No talking about it. No trying to resolve anything. The fact that most of the issues were down to our difference in communication styles (mine is calm, open and honest, hers is passive aggressive and evasive) seems to not enter into her head. No, I'm a **** and she deserves better, and that's that. Black and White. It's wrong. I think that her not taking ANY responsibility for what went wrong is what angers me the most.

 

Doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with though.

Edited March 16, 2017 by PLT

[divegrl]

You have no idea how jealous I am! haha

 

Yes! It was pretty amazing!!!!

[layla21]

Hi PLT,

 

I thought I can just add something as well to your story - first off, I am so glad you are doing better! Of course we all struggle differently and to different time frame's but you seem to be going so well on journey of moving on.

 

I feel like you are approaching your own kind of closure. This realization that there are aspects which could not have prevented the ultimate BU is something that helps you in moving on and I am hoping you will let go of her at some point. Maybe not in your heart but at least in your mind. I admire your matter-of-fact approach many struggle to find for themselves and even myself, I am still looking forward until I can finally reach this point.

 

You are one hell of realistic, kind and compassionate, I am sure you will keep it up and find someone who appreciates all of you. And also congrats on your studies:)

[PLT]

Hi PLT,

 

I thought I can just add something as well to your story - first off, I am so glad you are doing better! Of course we all struggle differently and to different time frame's but you seem to be going so well on journey of moving on.

 

I feel like you are approaching your own kind of closure. This realization that there are aspects which could not have prevented the ultimate BU is something that helps you in moving on and I am hoping you will let go of her at some point. Maybe not in your heart but at least in your mind. I admire your matter-of-fact approach many struggle to find for themselves and even myself, I am still looking forward until I can finally reach this point.

 

You are one hell of realistic, kind and compassionate, I am sure you will keep it up and find someone who appreciates all of you. And also congrats on your studies:)

 

 

Hey layla, great to hear from you. I hope you are staying NC

 

I got to the point where I accepted that at least some of the reasons for the failure of the relationship weren't in my control. They were not things I could change as it was my exs behaviour, not mine. I can't (and shouldn't want to) change who she is, and so logically speaking it just boils down to being incompatible but taking 3+ years of a relationship to realise it. That's the long and short of it, and that sort of perspective helps in moving on with life as it takes away the blame game which we all do and boils it down to the bare facts.

 

It sucks but it is what it is. My life is so much calmer now which took a long time to get used to, but I am starting to appreciate that lack of drama now!

 

I'm on pof now, but am putting little to no effort in to be honest. I'm not ready for a relationship but wouldn't say no to some casual dating. I'm more focused on the studying and finding paid work for now.

[Bromeo]

Women just process things differently... there are exceptions... but generally it takes them a LONG time to rationalize things. They shut down and when they shut down there is no point in engaging. Most men think that the women toss them away like trash and this is not the case... you simply have been buried deep within. Usually, they will reboot and those feeling come back.. but they depend on various factors.

 

That is why NC for men works in reconcile and NC for women is actually worse for reconcile. However, ppl here think men and women are the same mentally and invest in relationships equally.

 

Morning friends. This sentiment echoes real world advice I was given a couple of months back. In my experience, this usually means it is correct.

 

After some empirical research, it seems that breadcrumbs are assured, but reconciliations are rare. Interestingly, and it depends on the ex, it may take an extensive amount of time for them to reboot. As the dumpee is forced into a period of growth, this explains why after the reboot, the dumpee pushes away any contact, and you see post after post of "he/she contacted me but I was so over it..."

 

The friend who offered this congruent advice received his exs reboot 2.5 months after chasing for months and then complete NC, which fits generally into the timelines I've observed here, though admittedly results may vary.

 

PLT, stay the course. Last night I was able to read for the first time in months, and I enjoyed the ability to concentrate without an overload of digital distraction.

 

All will be well.

[PLT]

I had a mini epiphany earlier. Now that I can look at it a bit more dispassionately, it's actually bonkers that we got together in the first place. We are worlds apart in our overall attitude to life, but we enjoyed each others company, fancied each other, and it grew from there.

 

I am angry with myself because I remember telling myself not to get too attached to her because it probably wouldn't last as we were so, so different, but I did grow very attached to her. I still miss her.

 

Once I fell for her, I thought we could overcome how different our outlooks were, as we got along so well, but it came back to bite us on the arse. I feel utterly betrayed, over, and over, and over again by her, and that is the one feeling that won't go away. In a way that's a good thing, because it means that should she ever crawl out from under her rock, even though I miss her, there is no coming back from what she has done. I take a little comfort in the realisation that I am now strong enough to reject her should she ever come calling.

 

 

My spring cleaning and de-cluttering started in earnest today. Feeling good about progress on that front.

[layla21]

Hey layla, great to hear from you. I hope you are staying NC

 

 

 

.

 

Hi PLT,

 

Hope you are doing well! Yes, I am still going NC even though sometimes, my fingers just feel so itchy wanting to check out anything from him on social media, e.g. his online status on Messenger. Anyway, I just realize I think less and less about him, one day I even thought to myself "wow, now I think about you again but not the days before" and this really motivates me. The only thing I am quite disappointed about is the loss of a good friend and that we havent talked for over 60 days by now. That's crazy. Currently, I just feel okay and a bit indifferent about him but this may change abruptly so I won't rely on that. The guy I still talk with is also distracting me a bit but like you, it's just something casual for the time-being which is okay.

 

 

 

 

I got to the point where I accepted that at least some of the reasons for the failure of the relationship weren't in my control. They were not things I could change as it was my exs behaviour, not mine. I can't (and shouldn't want to) change who she is, and so logically speaking it just boils down to being incompatible but taking 3+ years of a relationship to realise it. That's the long and short of it, and that sort of perspective helps in moving on with life as it takes away the blame game which we all do and boils it down to the bare facts.

 

it's actually bonkers that we got together in the first place. We are worlds apart in our overall attitude to life, but we enjoyed each others company, fancied each other, and it grew from there.

 

I am angry with myself because I remember telling myself not to get too attached to her because it probably wouldn't last as we were so, so different, but I did grow very attached to her. I still miss her.

 

Once I fell for her, I thought we could overcome how different our outlooks were, as we got along so well, but it came back to bite us on the arse. I feel utterly betrayed, over, and over, and over again by her, and that is the one feeling that won't go away. In a way that's a good thing, because it means that should she ever crawl out from under her rock, even though I miss her, there is no coming back from what she has done. I take a little comfort in the realisation that I am now strong enough to reject her should she ever come calling.

 

After reading your posts, I just wanted to add..

 

Don't blame yourself or be angry because you fell for someone or realize that you shoudn't have continued the RS due to your personalities. Of course personalities matter but we cannot choose who we fall in love with. Love is a dangerous game but yet worth "playing".

As cheesy as it sounds, I believe in fate and that everything must be happening in a certain way. At some point I also saw the tremendous personality clash between my ex and me but I thought - if I am like this, and he is like this, maybe we both can learn from each other to be better people. Maybe it sounds like some innocent thinking but I believe that my RS with him and the BU is doing something positive for me even though it took me awhile to realize it.

 

Of course it is different to your case because she deliberately betrayed you to a large extent but it is something you could not have forseen. People come into our life and also go, but it is our choice to let them go or to get ahold of them. You made your choice and got stronger - only this matters right now.

 

You are a good person who is reflective and genuine, keep it up:)

Edited March 22, 2017 by layla21

[PLT]

Really happy that you have stuck to your guns layla. I know it can be really difficult to keep it up over a long period of time.

 

I think the main hump I have to get over is to actually start dating women again. It's hard though. You can't just walk up to someone in the supermarket and ask them on a date! With the stiff upper lip culture of the UK, you'd be looked at as some sort of nutter if you did that.

 

Tried speed dating, meh, but better than OLD.

Tried OLD, hate it but am still on the site. I'm just done with sending messages out as 99% of the time you get no reply.

 

I never used to have any problems meeting people and I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me lol. I've now been single for 7 months and have not had a sniff at a date. That's a long time for me. Longer than I've ever gone, and it's playing on my mind.

 

As for my ex, I think I will always miss what we appeared to have at one point, and will always struggle to understand why it ended up being so horrible and toxic. My overriding feeling towards her at the moment is resentment. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not one for holding grudges but perhaps in this case I should make an exception. It doesn't help that I still think of her first thing in the mornings. It's not a conscious thing and once I start about my day it fades but it's like living with a ghost.

 

Driving into the place I volunteer today I had my first smell of cut grass of the year, and it triggered me! During the final death throes of the relationship I had been doing some work on her garden and that smell of cut grass unexpectedly hit me. It's these unexpected triggers that bring it all back like it was yesterday. I avoid watching comedians she likes, or TV programmes we watched together but the smell of cut grass??? I just wish I could forget her as easily as she has forgotten me.

[keiji]

Driving into the place I volunteer today I had my first smell of cut grass of the year, and it triggered me! During the final death throes of the relationship I had been doing some work on her garden and that smell of cut grass unexpectedly hit me. It's these unexpected triggers that bring it all back like it was yesterday. I avoid watching comedians she likes, or TV programmes we watched together but the smell of cut grass??? I just wish I could forget her as easily as she has forgotten me.

 

Ah, Proust's madeleine effect. The difficult part is precisely the smell of cut grass, those things you can't consciously avoid. After the breakup, I gave away all the Wes Anderson DVDs she loved so much and threw away all her stuff. I thought I would hate the entire Welsh nation forever and that I could never listen to Patti Smith's "Horses", which we played so often while at home. Fortunately, I still hate Anderson, I don't hate Wales at all and only six months later me and my ex-girlfriend (not that one, of course) were enjoying Smith performing "Horses" live. Sometimes I can hear her pronounce a certain word in her bad Spanish and I'll feel a jab of nostalgia, and recently I put out a helmet from a closet and there was a long blond her in it and bam!, all the memories again, but the intensity diminishes in time. I haven't set foot in her neighborhood since breakup, though. I'm not that brave.

 

Perhaps it's too early for you, but the memories of that relationship gone sour have recently started to bring a smile to my face and bring out feelings which are much, much weaker than months ago.

[Bromeo]

Agreed. Those triggers are quite acute. Even though she broke in twice, she left a ton of junk at my place. I took a slash and burn mentality. It all went to the curb, including the only nice thing she ever got me - a torch lighter for cigars. Pictures, bath stuff, clothes, out to the trash. I even gave away the other gifts, including a leather portfolio.

 

I concur on music. Up until recently I had a hard time listening to country music.

 

Point is, give yourself time. Be patient, take a long term look outside yourself. Hurts now, less later, even less much later.

 

One day at a time. Mine is dating a unemployed mope who shovels snow. Good luck to her. lol

[keiji]

It's funny I should say this only yesterday:

 

I haven't set foot in her neighborhood since breakup, though. I'm not that brave.

 

Yesterday evening, a girl invited me to her place for a glass of wine. I knew how it all would end, and I felt like it, so I accepted. When she gave me her address, I realized it was in my ex-girlfriend's neighborhood, so I gathered a bit of braveness, convinced myself that it's a large enough area, jumped on my motorbike and there I went. It was a nice evening. When I left at 2.30am, I suddenly realized that I was two blocks away from where my ex lives. It didn't feel good, but I guess wine contributed to my bad decision. I jumped on my bike again and slowly drove there. She lives in a tiny one-bedroom corner apartment and one minute after I was passing by, knowing full well that she was 3 meters away, probably sleeping with her new guy. I felt creepy and a bit of an idiot for torturing myself like that.

 

When I woke up this morning I wasn't exactly ecstatic. It's been raining all day, which is quite unfrequent here and is not helping me feel better. Turns out I discovered a Brautigan poem that shares its title with a song by an English guitar player, a very emotional musician. His was the last show me and my ex-girlfriend attended together. Two weeks later, she broke up.

 

Moral of the story: it's bad enough when accidental triggers overwhelm you with painful memories. Don't go sniffing around like I did yesterday.

[Bromeo]

It's funny I should say this only yesterday:

 

 

 

Yesterday evening, a girl invited me to her place for a glass of wine. I knew how it all would end, and I felt like it, so I accepted. When she gave me her address, I realized it was in my ex-girlfriend's neighborhood, so I gathered a bit of braveness, convinced myself that it's a large enough area, jumped on my motorbike and there I went. It was a nice evening. When I left at 2.30am, I suddenly realized that I was two blocks away from where my ex lives. It didn't feel good, but I guess wine contributed to my bad decision. I jumped on my bike again and slowly drove there. She lives in a tiny one-bedroom corner apartment and one minute after I was passing by, knowing full well that she was 3 meters away, probably sleeping with her new guy. I felt creepy and a bit of an idiot for torturing myself like that.

 

When I woke up this morning I wasn't exactly ecstatic. It's been raining all day, which is quite unfrequent here and is not helping me feel better. Turns out I discovered a Brautigan poem that shares its title with a song by an English guitar player, a very emotional musician. His was the last show me and my ex-girlfriend attended together. Two weeks later, she broke up.

 

Moral of the story: it's bad enough when accidental triggers overwhelm you with painful memories. Don't go sniffing around like I did yesterday.

 

Of everyone on here, and there are indeed some lost souls, I do not like hearing you downtrodden most of all.

 

If you are getting invited for glasses of wine, things cant be all bad, no?

 

Along those same lines, my roommate invited her coworker, an older, but very attractive former swimsuit model over for wine. I went to bed early, and left them talking. I woke at my normal 530a to prepare for the day, and noticed said friend sleeping in my bed, very unclothed.

 

After some conversation, we actually bonded a bit. She had been through a terrible engagement, and we commiserated over bad relationships.

 

Of course I didn't plan any of that.

 

When I've experienced those triggers, I let them come, have their time, and wish them well when they leave.

 

75 in Chicago today. It was 90s rap into the office, and 90s rap from the office.

 

Chins up, knuckles down.

[keiji]

Of everyone on here, and there are indeed some lost souls, I do not like hearing you downtrodden most of all.

 

If you are getting invited for glasses of wine, things cant be all bad, no?

 

 

Not at all. It's all pretty good actually, but sometimes you can't keep the memories at bay. The good thing is that I was feeling much, much better in the evening. I opened a bottle of wine and watched a good movie and that was it. Memories are less and less persistent in time and I think we tend to blow things out of proportion: what will I do if I see my ex? what if they are with someone else? And then it happens, preferably long after the breakup, and it hurts, indeed, but not as much as it hurt in our heads.

 

A little edit to add something I just read: "Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed". Very appropriate.

Edited March 25, 2017 by keiji

[Bromeo]

Not at all. It's all pretty good actually, but sometimes you can't keep the memories at bay. The good thing is that I was feeling much, much better in the evening. I opened a bottle of wine and watched a good movie and that was it. Memories are less and less persistent in time and I think we tend to blow things out of proportion: what will I do if I see my ex? what if they are with someone else? And then it happens, preferably long after the breakup, and it hurts, indeed, but not as much as it hurt in our heads.

 

A little edit to add something I just read: "Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed". Very appropriate.

 

No, the memories do creep in. I had a short dream of my ex, and it spiraled me down a bit today. After a mental dump onto my friend, all better.

 

The thing is, we wouldn't be on here if our exs were normal, mature, communicative women. Wait, mine is the opposite of all those. Lol

 

Therefore, though we have our own flaws and vices, all of our exs are assured to at least stagnate a bit, while we grow and progress.

 

My friend, who went through the same breakup as I, but 10 years prior, said a decade later, his boogerfaced ex still loves him. So go figure.

 

What will you do? Handle yourself with class.

 

Me? I'll be far less classy.