The perpetual cycle of an unstable relationship.

[Shangri]

Hey all.

This is my first thread in this forum. It's not a thread in which I want advice on what to do, I will just tell you a short story and if you feel like it, share some thoughts and opinions.

 

Long story short:

I'm 25. 3 years ago I met a girl (who is now 21).

We met by chance but quickly realized it was pleasant to share time together. After some months she said she had feelings for me. I really did like her but had to reject her because I was moving to another country. She was young, inexperienced and I didn't know when or whether i'd be back. It hurt. We spent the next 2 years cutting and re-establishing communication. When we had the rare chance we always spent time together.

 

Last year I moved back. A little while before I did it she contacted me out of the blue. I hadn't heard from her in months. I told her that I had decided to move back and she was happy about it. We started going out again as usual, this time it was much more fun - we'd go out, do different stuff, visit art galleries, go out with my friends, we went on several trips together. After 2 months of doing that I confessed to her I still liked her.

 

She was hesitant, she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me. She said it was better if we take things slow. We continued going out, we were taking things slow. After a few weeks she asked me out because "we need to talk". There was no talk, we went out as usual, had a really great time.

 

The talk came after a week. She rejected me, said I was no more than a friend. As the conversation went on she went from "you're just a friend" to "I am super confused what to do with you. I need time." I gave her space.

 

She's not very experienced in relationships in her own words. She's never had a serious relationship. Her longest one was a 6 month on/off relationship with a guy who was even less experienced than her. The rest are a bunch of 1-2 month relationships.

She also told me she never trusted her BFs enough to even share some of the more intimate problems. I also believe she may have some self-esteem issues, she's quite shy and sensitive and she often runs away from conflicts/problems if she has the chance.

 

Anyway, after a few more weeks of going out and going on trips together, she rejected me over Facebook. I felt really hurt. She didn't even have the courage to say it to my face. So I disappeared from her life for about 3-4 months. I was sure I moved on.

 

One day, we just met in the street. I still felt bad about what had happened, got a little bit emotional, talked to her for a while about how I felt, kissed her and said "bye".

 

Another 3 months pass. One day I just decided to ask her out on a casual coffee. To my surprise she said yes. We went out several times, every time was better than the last. I started courting her again and she didn't seem to mind, she seemed to enjoy spending time with me, she'd call me, message me, whatever. At one point we both had **** going on in our lives and we got into an argument. I guess we just vented out on each other. A few days after the argument she asked me out to reject me ONE FINAL TIME. She told me she felt we were always more than friends but less than a couple. Every time we'd start communicating with each other things would develop and escalate up until a point when she hit a "barrier" she couldn't overcome. She just couldn't see this relationship work out. That's the only reason she's rejecting me. No other explanation. She also said she never wanted to see me again.

 

The conversation continued.

 

We ended up making out at a cafe (we were both sober). We had the most intimate experience until then with one another. I explained in depth why I liked her and why I was so persistent. She also told me I was one of the most interesting and smart guys she knows, she always enjoyed my company, she felt comfortable sharing stuff with me and told me she really values that I am always open for communication and trying to solve personal issues through talking and not sulking for example.

After a quite enjoyable 2 hour make out session + some great conversations on common interests and our personal worldview I walked her home and kissed her goodnight... I felt like I had turned the tide but was still cautious.

 

A few days later I messaged her, she responded. And that's it. I haven't heard from her at all since then. I messaged her one more time but to no avail. She's been ignoring me for the last 3 weeks in all ways possible. I have no will to contact her again unless she contacts me first. For me this is a definite end to things, but still I feel very confused about all this.

 

so, my questions are:

How would you comment on this situation? Was I too pushy in some way? I got rejected several times but after every rejection we'd raise the bar a little bit more - we'd kiss, share our most intimate thoughts, make out...?

 

Or was it just a pity make out session? If she was so adamant about the whole rejection thing, why would she do such a thing? She knows perfectly well this will give me false hope. So why do it?

 

Thanks for your time, guys & girls!

Edited February 20, 2017 by Shangri

[PegNosePete]

Was I too pushy in some way?

No, I'd say you were flogging a dead horse for way too long. She rejected you over and over yet you kept on coming back for more.

 

If she was so adamant about the whole rejection thing, why would she do such a thing? She knows perfectly well this will give me false hope. So why do it?

Because she's not thinking what's best for you. She's just thinking about what is fun for her to do in that moment. Then when she realised the implications and consequences of her actions, she went radio silent.

 

Time to stop flogging it, and move on.

[d0nnivain]

She's younger than her stated age & probably had few ideas that she has been playing with your emotions. She really doesn't understand her own mind.

 

 

Leave her be.

[Shangri]

She's younger than her stated age & probably had few ideas that she has been playing with your emotions. She really doesn't understand her own mind.

 

 

Leave her be.

 

Nah, she's 21 now. But still, as I said she has had very little experience with relationships.

 

I was thinking several things at one point:

 

She really doesn't know how to handle a relationship. I've mentioned to her that I had several long term relationships. Maybe she felt this gap in the experience level as an obstacle?

 

I also have another question. Is it possible that she ran away because time and time again I made her feel vulnerable? I mean, I managed to reverse to a certain extend every rejection attempt.

1. She said we "need to talk" - we didn't talk

2. She rejects me, I'm just a friend - then she says she's still unsure, asks me to take things slow

3. She rejects me - she lets me kiss her out of the blue months later.

4. She says she doesnt want to see me again - we end up making out for 2 hrs.

 

Clearly I have a limited power over her emotions and thoughts. Maybe she doesn't want to appear weak/vulnerable and chose the easy way out?

 

 

@PegNosePete, you're right. I've made up my mind that this is the end. I just need help to analyze this whole situation, try and find some flaws in myself so I won't make the same mistakes again.

Edited February 20, 2017 by Shangri

[d0nnivain]

Younger than her stated age means even though she is 21 on the calendar & her drivers' license but her maturity level is so much younger.

 

 

You may have made her feel vulnerable. She may actually care for you & the scares her. She may be overwhelmed by you

 

 

Fact is, you will never know. All you can do is move on while she continues to dither.

[spiderowl]

I think she likes spending time with you for fun but she just doesn't see you as a long-term boyfriend. It is casual and fun for her. You are emotionally involved with her. I'm afraid if you keep chasing her you will just do yourself harm. You need to resign yourself to not getting this girl because otherwise she is going to keep leaving you and then re-engaging again for a short while then leaving you. It will be a continuation of the painful rollercoaster you've already been on. For your own sake, give up on her.

[Shangri]

I think she likes spending time with you for fun but she just doesn't see you as a long-term boyfriend. It is casual and fun for her. You are emotionally involved with her. I'm afraid if you keep chasing her you will just do yourself harm. You need to resign yourself to not getting this girl because otherwise she is going to keep leaving you and then re-engaging again for a short while then leaving you. It will be a continuation of the painful rollercoaster you've already been on. For your own sake, give up on her.

 

Do you think it's just casual fun? If it were the case I believe we would have cut all communication long ago. I mean, dealing with me for sure causes her a lot of stress. Also, she's not the kind of person who would take an important decision on the spot. She needs a lot of time to think things through and that also leads to overthinking.

I've done most of the communication cutting but that was always because I felt bad. Re-establishing communication was done by her in around 50% of the cases.

 

I also can mention this. Her last relationship was only a few weeks long but the guy she dated used her just to make his ex gf jealous. Of course in the end he reunited with the ex and that left the girl I am talking about really badly hurt. It was a massive blow for her. Do you think she may have generally become distrusting towards men? It's easy for someone without any significant experience to jump to conclusions like that.

[neowulf]

Do you think it's just casual fun? If it were the case I believe we would have cut all communication long ago. I mean, dealing with me for sure causes her a lot of stress. Also, she's not the kind of person who would take an important decision on the spot. She needs a lot of time to think things through and that also leads to overthinking.

I've done most of the communication cutting but that was always because I felt bad. Re-establishing communication was done by her in around 50% of the cases.

 

I also can mention this. Her last relationship was only a few weeks long but the guy she dated used her just to make his ex gf jealous. Of course in the end he reunited with the ex and that left the girl I am talking about really badly hurt. It was a massive blow for her. Do you think she may have generally become distrusting towards men? It's easy for someone without any significant experience to jump to conclusions like that.

 

Man.. trust me when I tell you this. You are going down a rabbit hole, burning daylight trying to understand the "why". In the end, the "why" doesn't matter. She's out of your life, you're done with it.

 

You're going to find people through life, who's behavior makes absolutely ZERO logical sense. Don't waste your limited time and energy trying to make sense of it.

 

Not sure if you're much of a reader but I *highly* recommend this;

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061353248/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

[aridlan]

OP, you have done more than enough.

 

I get your frustration, you want to know why all this happened. It's would be nice to hear some opinions from women as well but I think they won't differ much from what has already been said - she's just too immature and can't make up her mind.

 

Sadly, this is a process you have absolutely no control over. She will grow up, eventually she may realize what she missed.

 

She's ignoring you because she probably feels even more confused than you. Women are fickle, unstable. Especially young inexperienced girls. She may be scared because she takes her past failings in relationships too personal and she doesn't want to get too involved with you because she may end up being devastated if the relationship comes to an abrupt end.

 

The only way to not end up being hurt eventually is to not get involved at all. Sad but true.

[Shangri]

Man.. trust me when I tell you this. You are going down a rabbit hole, burning daylight trying to understand the "why". In the end, the "why" doesn't matter. She's out of your life, you're done with it.

 

You're going to find people through life, who's behavior makes absolutely ZERO logical sense. Don't waste your limited time and energy trying to make sense of it.

 

Not sure if you're much of a reader but I *highly* recommend this;

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061353248/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

 

I get it that I may never receive an answer to the "why she didn't want a relationship" question.

 

The other thing that is interesting to me, and I am saying this knowing that I may come off as a bit insecure, do you think I may have appeared too needy and clingy in a way? I really tried not to be.

 

I remember, I told her once that some girls had interest in me but I decided then that she was more worth it than them. That's why I was so persistent. But she may have confused my persistence for something else.

[Shangri]

Update on the situation.

 

I saw her in the street last night. She was with some friends. She saw me coming from afar, I saw her as well, and she just twisted her head to the other side. I kept looking at her just to see if she'd make eye contact. She didn't, just passed me by without even looking at me.

 

I guess that says it all. Thanks for your help, guys.

[basil67]

Shangri, you asked if there's anything you could have done differently. My advice is to run like the wind if you're with someone who doesn't know what they want. Learn to recognise an unstable woman quickly and leave her behind before you get emotionally involved.

[mikeylo]

Yeah, stop looking for an answer to the ' why '. Most likely it has nothing to do with you.

 

Anyways, she liked you 3 years ago. Feelings change. In between, I guess, maybe she tried that her feelings might come back. They didn't. It's normal.