MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Life lessons]

I can honestly say I never thought I would be in this situation. I love my DH dearly and never want to be without him. He is truly the best man I know. We have a child together and have been married over 10 years. The only reason this A happened is because the SM would not stop chasing me and I caved in. I guess I liked the way it made me feel. We began talking for hours at work. No he doesn't work with me but I do/did see him at work. One thing led to another and our EA became a PA. Again, I had no intentions of doing this but i obviously didn't stop it as I know I should've. We have been intimate a couple of times but I know it would be more if we saw each other more. I'm not proud of myself for saying that but it's the truth. And in a couple of ninths we will probably have to see one another again at work. He lives a couple of hours away so if we saw each other outside of work then we would have to arrange for a hotel and that may happen eventually but it's not happened yet.

 

Again, circumstances are preventing us from seeing each other often as of now but that will change soon. For the first couple of months we only Spoke at my workplace and then he introduced me to an app that we started messaging in and we have messages daily since. I don't and never will want a life with this SM but this does bring excitement into my life. I know what I'm going to say is horrible but I want the SM to fall in love with me but I don't even want to have deep feelings for him.

 

I've tried to break it off a couple of times unsuccessfully and told him I was starting to get feelings and we couldn't keep this up and he responded with he has feelings as well and one thing led to another and we kept this A going.

 

A huge part of me wants and needs to stop it but another part likes the excitement and wanting it brings me. We message daily, throughout the day, all day most days. Most of the time it is just random conversation although we do sext at least once a week.

 

He has a couple of family members that know about me but I have no one I can talk to. No one!!! I just needed to get this off my chest.

[deadsoul]

I can honestly say I never thought I would be in this situation. I love my DH dearly and never want to be without him. He is truly the best man I know. We have a child together and have been married over 10 years. The only reason this A happened is because the SM would not stop chasing me and I caved in. I guess I liked the way it made me feel. We began talking for hours at work. No he doesn't work with me but I do/did see him at work. One thing led to another and our EA became a PA. Again, I had no intentions of doing this but i obviously didn't stop it as I know I should've. We have been intimate a couple of times but I know it would be more if we saw each other more. I'm not proud of myself for saying that but it's the truth. And in a couple of ninths we will probably have to see one another again at work. He lives a couple of hours away so if we saw each other outside of work then we would have to arrange for a hotel and that may happen eventually but it's not happened yet.

 

Again, circumstances are preventing us from seeing each other often as of now but that will change soon. For the first couple of months we only Spoke at my workplace and then he introduced me to an app that we started messaging in and we have messages daily since. I don't and never will want a life with this SM but this does bring excitement into my life. I know what I'm going to say is horrible but I want the SM to fall in love with me but I don't even want to have deep feelings for him.

 

I've tried to break it off a couple of times unsuccessfully and told him I was starting to get feelings and we couldn't keep this up and he responded with he has feelings as well and one thing led to another and we kept this A going.

 

A huge part of me wants and needs to stop it but another part likes the excitement and wanting it brings me. We message daily, throughout the day, all day most days. Most of the time it is just random conversation although we do sext at least once a week.

 

He has a couple of family members that know about me but I have no one I can talk to. No one!!! I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

I was you, except SM didn't chase me, I chased him.

 

You will have to hit bottom in order for this to stop. It's like an addiction in that sense... you know it's bad and want it to stop, but you can't quit the feeling you get when you do it. I get it. I lived it.

 

These are your options:

 

1. continue as you have been

2. stop affair and confess to BH

3. stop affair and don't confess to BH

4. Get caught.

 

I got lucky, SM ghosted me and that effectively ended the relationship. Then I made the decision to confess because someone who truly loves her husband does not do this.

 

Good luck OP. You are probably going to get some harsh replies, but it's nothing you probably haven't already told yourself.

[Life lessons]

I was you, except SM didn't chase me, I chased him.

 

You will have to hit bottom in order for this to stop. It's like an addiction in that sense... you know it's bad and want it to stop, but you can't quit the feeling you get when you do it. I get it. I lived it.

 

These are your options:

 

1. continue as you have been

2. stop affair and confess to BH

3. stop affair and don't confess to BH

4. Get caught.

 

I got lucky, SM ghosted me and that effectively ended the relationship. Then I made the decision to confess because someone who truly loves her husband does not do this.

 

Good luck OP. You are probably going to get some harsh replies, but it's nothing you probably haven't already told yourself

 

I do love my husband more than anything...other than my child. I know that's crazy and a lot of people will say I can't. But I do.

[BaileyB]

I feel badly for your husband and your child. They deserve more than they are getting right now...

 

You don't seem to be particularly remorseful for your actions or wanting to change the situation in any way. In fact, you seem to be enjoying the attention and excitement. You may think that this will never catch up to you, but the truth is there are always consequences for your decisions. You just don't know what these consequences will be right now... So, have fun while it lasts. I hope it is worth the sacrifice.

[deadsoul]

I also love my husband and children more than anything. Yet I did what I did. I have to live with that and it isn't easy. Not by a long shot. You're posting here so you want something to change. The hard part is having the courage to make a choice and follow through before one is made for you.

[Life lessons]

I feel badly for your husband and your child. They deserve more than they are getting right now...

 

You don't seem to be particularly remorseful for your actions or wanting to change the situation in any way. In fact, you seem to be enjoying the attention and excitement. You may think that this will never catch up to you, but the truth is there are always consequences for your decisions. You just don't know what these consequences will be right now... So, have fun while it lasts. I hope it is worth the sacrifice.

 

I feel bad too because he does not deserve this. I do want to change it, that's why I've posted here. It's just so hard to make it happen.

[Life lessons]

I also love my husband and children more than anything. Yet I did what I did. I have to live with that and it isn't easy. Not by a long shot. You're posting here so you want something to change. The hard part is having the courage to make a choice and follow through before one is made for you.

 

Again, you are accurate. I don't ever want to lose what I have. That would be unbearable! I do need courage to end this!

[deadsoul]

I feel bad too because he does not deserve this. I do want to change it, that's why I've posted here. It's just so hard to make it happen.

 

I completely understand. I felt the same way. I highly recommend counseling to help you sort through it all and make a decision. Good luck.

[BaileyB]

I feel bad too because he does not deserve this. I do want to change it, that's why I've posted here. It's just so hard to make it happen.

 

In that case, you will find support here. And I do wish you well.

[BaileyB]

Did this man pursue you, knowing that you were married and had a child?

 

If that is the case, he is the worst kind of predator. The truth is, continuing this affair could cost you everything. And he would walk away, with no consequence... free to find someone else and continue living his life.

 

What is broken in you and/or your marriage that made you vulnerable to this man?

[gettingstronger]

I was you, except SM didn't chase me, I chased him.

 

You will have to hit bottom in order for this to stop. It's like an addiction in that sense... you know it's bad and want it to stop, but you can't quit the feeling you get when you do it. I get it. I lived it.

 

These are your options:

 

1. continue as you have been

2. stop affair and confess to BH

3. stop affair and don't confess to BH

4. Get caught.

 

I got lucky, SM ghosted me and that effectively ended the relationship. Then I made the decision to confess because someone who truly loves her husband does not do this.

 

Good luck OP. You are probably going to get some harsh replies, but it's nothing you probably haven't already told yourself

 

I do love my husband more than anything...other than my child. I know that's crazy and a lot of people will say I can't. But I do.

 

 

You can't love him in the way he expects to be loved. That's an important difference and one you need to ponder.

[Cephalopod]

Tell us about your marriage.

 

How long have you been married? ''

 

How old are you and your husband? How old is the AP?

 

Were you sexually attracted to your husband at the time the two of you decided to get married?

 

Were you attracted to your husband or did you marry him because he was nice and safe?

 

What was your marriage like up until the point you met this OP and started the affair? Be objective, good points and bad.

 

How exactly did you meet the OM?

 

Is your OM better looking, younger or better in bed than your husband?

 

How did the EA start?

 

When did the PA start?

 

What was the state of your intimacy with your husband at the time the EA started? What is it like now?

 

How was/is your sex life with your husband? Did/do you enjoy having sex with your husband?

 

Did you stop having sex, or reduce the amount of sex, with your husband once the PA started?

 

Are you employed?

 

If your husband divorces you, will you be able to make it on your own?

[Life lessons]

Did this man pursue you, knowing that you were married and had a child?

 

If that is the case, he is the worst kind of predator. The truth is, continuing this affair could cost you everything. And he would walk away, with no consequence... free to find someone else and continue living his life.

 

What is broken in you and/or your marriage that made you vulnerable to this man?

 

Yes. He knew both, that I was married and had a child. I even told him I was happily married when he started casually talking. At first it was casual talking. But he would spend 2-3 hours talking to me and I don't even know what we talked about now. The time went by so quickly. Then one thing led to another and we kissed months later. Then maybe a few weeks after that were intimate. We use protection. He doesn't want to but I'm insistent on it. I have no idea what is broken in me. I never thought I would give in to this man. I still don't know why I'm doing it because I know I'm the one that has everything to lose and him nothing. I know I never want a life with him. It's all a fantasy to me. An addiction that's hard to break!

[Life lessons]

Tell us about your marriage.

 

How long have you been married? '' Over 10 years

 

How old are you and your husband? How old is the AP? AP is approx 7 yrs younger than me--I'm in 30's

 

Were you sexually attracted to your husband at the time the two of you decided to get married? Absolutely.

 

Were you attracted to your husband or did you marry him because he was nice and safe? Yes

 

What was your marriage like up until the point you met this OP and started the affair? Be objective, good points and bad. Marriage has been great. No problems. Great marriage.

 

How exactly did you meet the OM? Work

 

Is your OM better looking, younger or better in bed than your husband? There about the same looks wise. AP is younger than us both. About the same but of course the AP is newer so maybe that's why it may be a little better. But I can't even say it's better.

 

How did the EA start? He pursued me. Talked in person for hours at a time several days a week. Then he suggested an app to message one another on outside of work and we started communicating through the app since.

 

When did the PA start? Around November last year

 

What was the state of your intimacy with your husband at the time the EA started? Average 2-4 times a week What is it like now? Same as before

 

How was/is your sex life with your husband? Did/do you enjoy having sex with your husband? Honestly it's kinda routine after so long but we're both very open to try new things.

 

Did you stop having sex, or reduce the amount of sex, with your husband once the PA started? No

 

Are you employed? Yes

 

If your husband divorces you, will you be able to make it on your own?

 

 

 

I put the answers behind the questions above.

Yes

[starpower]

You say you love your husband more than anything, other than your child, it seems you love yourself more.

 

Love is not just some abstract feeling, it's expressed with action. What you have being doing to your husband and family is a betrayal. And everyday you keep this from him and lie to him is stain on your marriage and mockery on your vows.

 

When your with someone in a loving relationship, you want the other person to be happy and treat each other with respect. Love is more than a flickering emotion. It involves an unwavering commitment to the happiness of another.

 

Is what your doing to your husband and family with your boyfriend love?

 

You seemed to be resigned to the fact that this relationship you have with you boyfriend is going to carry on. Your husband deserves the truth. The choice is yours. Do you have any respect for him left to give him that.

[Life lessons]

You say you love your husband more than anything, other than your child, it seems you love yourself more.

 

Love is not just some abstract feeling, it's expressed with action. What you have being doing to your husband and family is a betrayal. And everyday you keep this from him and lie to him is stain on your marriage and mockery on your vows.

 

When your with someone in a loving relationship, you want the other person to be happy and treat each other with respect. Love is more than a flickering emotion. It involves an unwavering commitment to the happiness of another.

 

Is what your doing to your husband and family with your boyfriend love?

 

You seemed to be resigned to the fact that this relationship you have with you boyfriend is going to carry on. Your husband deserves the truth. The choice is yours. Do you have any respect for him left to give him that.

 

 

I don't love this other man. I have feelings and care but I don't love him so no what I'm doing with my family isn't boyfriend love. I don't want it to carry on. I want to end it. I really do! It's so difficult. I have tried several times, unsuccessfully, to stop contact. I know I need to stop it, I just have to figure out what to say. I thought about ignoring the AP but I do think he deserves a reason considering he was good enough for me to be intimate with. It's that every time I try, I get sucked in by his words. I figured that me telling him I was getting strong feelings would make him back up but it didn't. He only said that he had feelings as well. I don't think he would ever ask me to leave my H for him. Ever. I'm pretty sure he knows that'll never happen. I'm also confident he would never tell anyone that matters and knows me.

[BettyDraper]

I feel badly for your husband and your child. They deserve more than they are getting right now...

 

You don't seem to be particularly remorseful for your actions or wanting to change the situation in any way. In fact, you seem to be enjoying the attention and excitement. You may think that this will never catch up to you, but the truth is there are always consequences for your decisions. You just don't know what these consequences will be right now... So, have fun while it lasts. I hope it is worth the sacrifice.

 

This. I'm also sensing a lack of personal responsibility.

"He kept chasing me." "I had no intention of doing this" "One thing led to another."

[BaileyB]

Yes. He knew both, that I was married and had a child. I even told him I was happily married when he started casually talking. At first it was casual talking. But he would spend 2-3 hours talking to me and I don't even know what we talked about now. The time went by so quickly. Then one thing led to another and we kissed months later. Then maybe a few weeks after that were intimate. We use protection. He doesn't want to but I'm insistent on it. I have no idea what is broken in me. I never thought I would give in to this man. I still don't know why I'm doing it because I know I'm the one that has everything to lose and him nothing. I know I never want a life with him. It's all a fantasy to me. An addiction that's hard to break!

 

What he has done to you is hurtful and disrespectful. If I was you, I would be so angry with this man.

 

If it true that you don't want a life with him and you don't want to lose your family, you need to find a way to break this addiction. COUNSELLING! It starts by learning why you were so vulnerable to this man, rediscovering your integrity and self respect, and then doing what you need to do to honor the commitment that you have made to your family.

[BaileyB]

This. I'm also sensing a lack of personal responsibility.

"He kept chasing me." "I had no intention of doing this" "One thing led to another."

 

Absolutely. This man has manipulated you and taken advantage of your vulnerability... But you need to accept full responsibility for your role in this betrayal. An affair does not "just happen..." He may have been grooming you but you have had numerous opportunities to do the right thing and say "No - I love my family and I will not disrespect them in this way."

[harrybrown]

He is bragging to his friends about the sexual relationship with you.

 

He is laughing at your H.

 

How would you feel if your H was having an A like you are?

 

Would that bother you? Would you divorce him for his affair?

 

If you can't stop the drug, at least tell your H that you have opened your marriage and he is free to have an affair with anyone that he wants.

 

Does that seem fair to you?

 

Right now your marriage does not seem fair to your H. You are giving your time, energy and attention to someone that enjoys the sex with you, but does not care about your child.

 

Hope you wake up in time. If you can't stop, then tell your H and get a divorce. If you ever loved him, you owe him that much.

[BaileyB]

I just have to figure out what to say. I thought about ignoring the AP but I do think he deserves a reason considering he was good enough for me to be intimate with.

 

I'm also confident he would never tell anyone that matters.

 

You just say "No more." And then, you block him. Done.

 

He doesn't deserve anything from you. He has groomed you, and manipulated you, and used you... He may well have contributed to the demise of your family - you owe him nothing!

 

And, you don't think he will tell anyone... Well, I hope so, but I wouldn't count on it. Time will tell...

[starpower]

A reason? How about upholding your marriage vows. How about putting your family first and how about thinking about what your husband deserves.

 

What you are doing is not the actions of someone who claims to love her husband.

 

If your husband were to find out about this affair, do you think you would it easier to put a stop to it?

 

How much real effort have you really put into ending your cheating ways? Think about it, be honest with yourself. Take some responsibility. This is a choice you made.

 

How have you tried stopping contact? Blocked him? Changed your number? Told him to stay away. What real efforts have you made, check your priorities. Will it be your family or your boyfriend.

[DKT3]

I was you, except SM didn't chase me, I chased him.

 

You will have to hit bottom in order for this to stop. It's like an addiction in that sense... you know it's bad and want it to stop, but you can't quit the feeling you get when you do it. I get it. I lived it.

 

These are your options:

 

1. continue as you have been

2. stop affair and confess to BH

3. stop affair and don't confess to BH

4. Get caught.

 

I got lucky, SM ghosted me and that effectively ended the relationship. Then I made the decision to confess because someone who truly loves her husband does not do this.

 

Good luck OP. You are probably going to get some harsh replies, but it's nothing you probably haven't already told yourself

 

I do love my husband more than anything...other than my child. I know that's crazy and a lot of people will say I can't. But I do.

 

Love is a word that only has validity when backed by actions....What about your actions say I love my husband above all except my child?

 

Maybe you love him as best you can, but if that means you need to bang other men is that the kind of love he deserves?

[DKT3]

Again, you are accurate. I don't ever want to lose what I have. That would be unbearable! I do need courage to end this!

 

Nope, you simply have to want to. Once you do you will find a way

[aliveagain]

Knowing that you will probably loose what you now have with your husband why do you want someone that would sleep with another mans wife to fall in love with you? You are at a place now that requires a lot of serious thought. Your other man knows he has a rival so he is behaving in a very competitive manner but your husband doesn't know so he hasn't got a chance in h*ll. You are spitting your attention between two men. What was once mother-father-child is now mother-lover-child, lovers can never love your child more then a parent. You need to discover why you are allowing yourself to do this, are you trying to destroy a happiness you don't believe you deserve?

 

You will have to explain what you have done to the people that love you at some point. The more effort you put into the other man the less chance your family has of surviving this. You have dealt a critical blow to your husband, he just doesn't know it yet. Time to wake up girl before you find yourself sharing the raising of your child with another woman.