MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Zenstudent]

Exactly right!! All of what you've said! I too felt like I would never get myself into an A, but now that I've been so weak, I will most definitely take any and all precautions to make certain I don't put myself into another situation where it could happen.

 

I've read so many posts from individuals claiming they could never and would never cheat! Guess what!? I use to say the same exact thing! I just knew I would never cheat! I talked so poorly of those types of individuals. Indeed, I now know to never say never. Unless you're in that situation, you really don't know what you will do. Anyone's capable of cheating! I know many will say not them, but again, you are capable and it could very well happen to you. I didn't think I was that type of person but Now I know I am.

 

I had the opportunity several times during the years, never acted on it. I was capable, but Didn't wanna be that kind of person, didn't wanna do that to my wife and didn't wanna lose what I had.

 

As long as you continue to think it's something that just happens to you instead of a conscious choice, you're not a safe person to be with.

[deadsoul]

Maybe, but not telling means you don't have to face the ultimate consequences which is giving up control and having some clueless fool misplace value.

 

I think people can argue their views on this all day. Ultimately, I chose to confess. I had "no chance" of getting caught, but I chose to tell. But at the same time, I understand the view of not telling and I don't judge anyone who does not tell. I think each individual has to do what's best for them....One of my counselors told me to keep my mouth shut. So even some professionals believe it shouldn't be told. I myself would rather be the clueless fool... but on that same note, if I found out much later, it would feel so much worse.

 

Also, I've had a few comments that I was brave for telling and stupid for telling. I did what was best for me. To me, that's neither brave or stupid, it's just what was right for me to heal and move forward. Maybe that's selfish too? I don't know.

[QuietDan]

He doesn't like that I won't promise. But I told him words mean nothing at this point. Only my actions.

 

It's hard to make meaningful realistic promises when you don't trust yourself.

[deadsoul]

I understand' I've said the same thing. I, too, have been in many situations where I've pulled myself out but for whatever reason, I didn't this time. I'm not saying everyone will, I'm only saying don't say that you never will because I too said that and it happened. I still don't understand the reasons. Obviously it was a weak moment(s) but Im still asking myself why!

 

I was also in the "I will NEVER do that" camp and judged anyone who did. I don't think alcoholics plan to become alcoholics. I don't think drug addicts plan to be drug addicts either. I don't even take drugs and I still don't say, "I will never become a drug addict," because I know now that I can if I don't have self-awareness and I don't monitor and check myself. The people who don't do it, don't do it. But I think it's a mistake for people to say, "I will never..." because I said the same things and have heard from others who've said the same.

 

It comes down to actions, not words.

[QuietDan]

I was also in the "I will NEVER do that" camp and judged anyone who did. I don't think alcoholics plan to become alcoholics. I don't think drug addicts plan to be drug addicts either. I don't even take drugs and I still don't say, "I will never become a drug addict," because I know now that I can if I don't have self-awareness and I don't monitor and check myself. The people who don't do it, don't do it. But I think it's a mistake for people to say, "I will never..." because I said the same things and have heard from others who've said the same.

 

It comes down to actions, not words.

 

You know the old saying... Pride commeth before the fall. It seems to me, most people don't think that they are subject to the laws of gravity until they fall. So, why take precautions and avoid the risks? Being careful, avoiding risky situations, that is for the weak ones. Why not flirt with all sorts of temptations? After all... too smart, too wise, too strong, too good to stumble and fall.

 

You do what you do because you wanted to. Took in the information, weigh the risks versus the benefits, measured against internal moral compassed, then acted. No great mystery. You want what you wanted. Why not? What are the risks? Will I get caught? Made the decision to act and then acted on the decision. If you are a mature responsible adult? Stand by your decisions, hold yourself accountable, defend your choices, take the consequences.

[Marc878]

There are so many consequences in not telling. Believe me, I know. I get that people are going to judge you, but I know the hell I was in when I carried it all on my own.

 

And to be honest? If the BH had done this? I wouldn't want to know. Because it would be over for me. (Ironic, eh?)

 

You never know until you're in that situation really but it's funny how when the shoe is on the other foot you wouldn't want to wear it.

[GoldenR]

You do understand that i said the same things you just said here....and so have many others who have gone on to cheat.

 

I am not criticizing you in any way....I just want you to understand that very few people...not all certainly...but many never had the intention of cheating. It is very easy to move a boundary....a little bit at a time. You validate it in your mind....you convince yourself there's no harm....its just innocent.

 

I read on these forums that cheating takes the right frame of mind....in the right opportunity...at the right time.

 

Being that I'm 50 and I've felt the pain of being cheated on too many times, and I absolutely have had females that are 20+ years younger than me and look like models try to get close to me, and even offer "it" to me, and it hasn't happened yet, I feel fairly secure in saying that it will never happen.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Being that I'm 50 and I've felt the pain of being cheated on too many times, and I absolutely have had females that are 20+ years younger than me and look like models try to get close to me, and even offer "it" to me, and it hasn't happened yet, I feel fairly secure in saying that it will never happen.

 

I respect that and i hope you are right.....

[ConInLA]

I was also in the "I will NEVER do that" camp and judged anyone who did. I don't think alcoholics plan to become alcoholics. I don't think drug addicts plan to be drug addicts either. I don't even take drugs and I still don't say, "I will never become a drug addict," because I know now that I can if I don't have self-awareness and I don't monitor and check myself. The people who don't do it, don't do it. But I think it's a mistake for people to say, "I will never..." because I said the same things and have heard from others who've said the same.

 

It comes down to actions, not words.

 

This is so true, deadsoul. I also was one of those people who said that she would NEVER commit an affair and yet here I am. You're right: never say never. Just make sure to never put yourself in that situation again to even be tested.

[GoldenR]

I want you to think about what I'm going to ask you, and not just answer with the first thing that comes to your mind.

 

If in 5 years, somehow your H finds out about your A, what then? If you keep course, at that point, your M should be better than ever, bonding with your H as never before. His reaction to finding this out will be that he will feel like these last 5 years of the marriage were a fraud, a sham. He will know in his heart and mind, that you only poured yourself into your M out of guilt, regardless of what you know to be true.

 

How will you handle that?

[QuietDan]

I feel like I need to know the why so I don't do this ever again.

 

Then be honest with yourself, examine the thoughts you had that led up to it.

You seem like a person that has the ability to think and reason. It doesn't sound like you were tied up and kidnapped, this wasn't a case of rape, drugs, or alcohol.

You wanted what you wanted. You made multiple complex decision and acted trough multiple complex steps of behavior that required careful planning. You are not a robot. It doesn't sound like you were forced into this against your will.

Are you trying to find a way to avoid the guilt you feel?

You collected information. You reasoned through the information.

You weighed the facts. You weighed the consequences. You weighed the risks.

You added it all up.... You followed a course of action based on what was most important to you at the time.

Really, what else is there???

You don't like the results...

You chose this path...

You are and adult.

You made your decisions and acted on them based on what was most important to you based on your moral compass at the time.

Recently you started to take responsibility for your decisions.

You recently started to face the consequences of your decisions.

You recently started to deal with the consequences of your decisions and actions.

If you made and error in judgement at the time, learn from it, make amends if needed/required and move on.

I don't know if "I'm Sorry" really works for adult hood. That is what children says to express how they should feel about doing something that they did that is wrong.

I am thinking "Please Forgive Me" is more appropriate....it expresses and understanding that a wrong was done and the desire to restore a relationship.

[Life lessons]

You know the old saying... Pride commeth before the fall. It seems to me, most people don't think that they are subject to the laws of gravity until they fall. So, why take precautions and avoid the risks? Being careful, avoiding risky situations, that is for the weak ones. Why not flirt with all sorts of temptations? After all... too smart, too wise, too strong, too good to stumble and fall.

 

You do what you do because you wanted to. Took in the information, weigh the risks versus the benefits, measured against internal moral compassed, then acted. No great mystery. You want what you wanted. Why not? What are the risks? Will I get caught? Made the decision to act and then acted on the decision. If you are a mature responsible adult? Stand by your decisions, hold yourself accountable, defend your choices, take the consequences.

 

That's an accurate statement, we all do what we do because we want to. The thing I personally didn't do at that time was weigh the risks. Of course I should've...but again, unfortunately I wasn't thinking straight and wasn't thinking about my H at all during those times. Sad but true! If I were weighing the risks or even thinking how bad it would hurt my family, I wouldn't have done it. I know that sounds crazy but it's the truth.

[Life lessons]

I feel like I need to know the why so I don't do this ever again.

 

I understand that because I feel like I need to know why I was so weak at those moments. I also know if I don't ever figure out the why, Im still confident that I will never get myself in this situation again. Hindsight is 20/20. I will take all precautions to remove myself from situations that could get out of control.

[Life lessons]

I had the opportunity several times during the years, never acted on it. I was capable, but Didn't wanna be that kind of person, didn't wanna do that to my wife and didn't wanna lose what I had.

 

As long as you continue to think it's something that just happens to you instead of a conscious choice, you're not a safe person to be with.

 

I also have had ample opportunities...past and present, but that one time.....I don't even know what to say. I gave in.....

[Life lessons]

I want you to think about what I'm going to ask you, and not just answer with the first thing that comes to your mind.

 

If in 5 years, somehow your H finds out about your A, what then? If you keep course, at that point, your M should be better than ever, bonding with your H as never before. His reaction to finding this out will be that he will feel like these last 5 years of the marriage were a fraud, a sham. He will know in his heart and mind, that you only poured yourself into your M out of guilt, regardless of what you know to be true.

 

How will you handle that?

 

If it came to that and he found out and I didn't dispute what was being said, then the only thing I could do is respect whatever he chooses to do. My husband knows I love him. I know actions speak louder than words, I understand that! But I know that he genuinely knows that I love him. Yes he would probably think those last 5 years was a sham, but maybe not. I honestly can't answer your question. I don't know the future and if it does come to light, I can't answer what either of us will do.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If it came to that and he found out and I didn't dispute what was being said, then the only thing I could do is respect whatever he chooses to do. My husband knows I love him. I know actions speak louder than words, I understand that! But I know that he genuinely knows that I love him. Yes he would probably think those last 5 years was a sham, but maybe not. I honestly can't answer your question. I don't know the future and if it does come to light, I can't answer what either of us will do.

 

You honestly do not know how he would react....

 

My husband always said if i committed adultery he would divorce me....so when he chose to reconcile...we were both surprised.

 

I had always said if he cheated I would forgive him. when he had his revenge affair...i did as expected...I forgave and rarely ever discussed it.

 

He knows you love him...but he doesn't know that you cheated...trust me...if he ever finds out....he wont think you love him.

 

He will question everything in your relationship...if you love me...how could you cheat....if you loved me how could you lie...if you love me how could you deceive me all this time.

 

He will question EVERYTHING about your relationship and if he allows you a second chance...you will spend the rest of your life trying to prove to him that you do indeed love him...because cheating undoes everything else.

 

Everything he believed about you...and your relationship...is wiped out and yu start over...only this time...the trust that was once freely given...is now totally and completely gone.

 

and if he finds out from someone else...it will be even worse. If you tell him...it is much better than him finding out from someone else....and it will be even harder to overcome.

 

You can continue to lie to yourself...and say that you are protecting him...you aren't. You are protecting you. your first step to honestly is to admit this.

 

We like to tell ourselves...we are protecting our betrayed spouse...but we aren't...we are protecting ourselves. You of course will disagree....but self preservation is number one.

[MikeM 1028]

LL,

 

Been lurking here and following you and deadsoul's thread. I am the BH and only found out of the A from a co-worker who was worried how I was doing, as they had heard "rumors."

 

My wife was 4 months pregnant at the time I found out. DD was just a year ago. My WW only confessed after I confronted her with the "rumor." Finding out this way was the worst way possible. Immediately, I believed our entire M was a lie and sham. All along, my STBxW promised the baby was ours. After the baby was born, a paternity test revealed my worst nightmare was true.

 

Anyway, I've respected deadsoul for confessing. Her confession to her H and family carried so much weight in her expressing true guilt and remorse for her A. For me, being the BS, I realize that the confession shows a much more truer form of remorse then hiding it, hoping the BS doesn't find out.

 

I read people's stories here and really hope the couple's can R. I really want R for me as does my WW. It's a bit too late for me tho. I'm not capable of getting past the resentment, with the A child, who looks so much more her mom and dad, brings on the worst of it over and over again when I see her.

 

I really do hope for R for you and your H/ family. I wish deadsoul the best of luck with R too. Reading her thread made me wish that my WW was as diligent as her.

[DKT3]

LL,

 

Been lurking here and following you and deadsoul's thread. I am the BH and only found out of the A from a co-worker who was worried how I was doing, as they had heard "rumors."

 

My wife was 4 months pregnant at the time I found out. DD was just a year ago. My WW only confessed after I confronted her with the "rumor." Finding out this way was the worst way possible. Immediately, I believed our entire M was a lie and sham. All along, my STBxW promised the baby was ours. After the baby was born, a paternity test revealed my worst nightmare was true.

 

Anyway, I've respected deadsoul for confessing. Her confession to her H and family carried so much weight in her expressing true guilt and remorse for her A. For me, being the BS, I realize that the confession shows a much more truer form of remorse then hiding it, hoping the BS doesn't find out.

 

I read people's stories here and really hope the couple's can R. I really want R for me as does my WW. It's a bit too late for me tho. I'm not capable of getting past the resentment, with the A child, who looks so much more her mom and dad, brings on the worst of it over and over again when I see her.

 

I really do hope for R for you and your H/ family. I wish deadsoul the best of luck with R too. Reading her thread made me wish that my WW was as diligent as her.

 

It's unconditional remorse to confess...My wife didn't confess, well she kinda did but then took it back. She lied and mislead me until she was holding divorce papers.

 

Odd thing about betrayed spouses, very few are clueless that things are off, but fear drives denial which forces one to ignore the signs. The arrogance of a WS to believe they are so smart that they can carry on like this and it goes unnoticed is amazing. Unless you can teleport to your APs bed someone else knows, you can't​ control your behavior enough that it goes unnoticed. Weeks, months or years down the line one misplaced word or comment all of a sudden brings it all into forcus. Once read a story about a wife who had an affair some two decades prior, made a comment to her husband about an event (one she actually shared with you he AP) which lead to the husband confronting her about having the affair. All those years, that beautiful marriage built on a minefield, one misstep and it all came crashing down.

[Quiet Storms]

LL,

 

Been lurking here and following you and deadsoul's thread. I am the BH and only found out of the A from a co-worker who was worried how I was doing, as they had heard "rumors."

 

My wife was 4 months pregnant at the time I found out. DD was just a year ago. My WW only confessed after I confronted her with the "rumor." Finding out this way was the worst way possible. Immediately, I believed our entire M was a lie and sham. All along, my STBxW promised the baby was ours. After the baby was born, a paternity test revealed my worst nightmare was true.

 

Anyway, I've respected deadsoul for confessing. Her confession to her H and family carried so much weight in her expressing true guilt and remorse for her A. For me, being the BS, I realize that the confession shows a much more truer form of remorse then hiding it, hoping the BS doesn't find out.

 

I read people's stories here and really hope the couple's can R. I really want R for me as does my WW. It's a bit too late for me tho. I'm not capable of getting past the resentment, with the A child, who looks so much more her mom and dad, brings on the worst of it over and over again when I see her.

 

I really do hope for R for you and your H/ family. I wish deadsoul the best of luck with R too. Reading her thread made me wish that my WW was as diligent as her.

 

Wow. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you went/are going through.

 

To even consider R in this situation says a great deal about your character.

 

Normally I have very little respect for someone who R with a WS who only confessed when forced. But in your case, you seem to have your head on straight and are looking at ALL the possible scenarios and weighing what is best. With an A child in the mix, it complicates things so much more. I wish you peace.

[drifter777]

For many, many WWs I'm convinced the best outcome is divorce. Put your sin behind you and face life fresh without the constant reminder of the damage you did. That reminder is when you find your husband lost in his 1000 yard stare and you just know what he's thinking about. And of course there are the out & out triggers when you don't know if he's finally going to just walk away.

 

Husbands are usually too weak to do the right thing after d-day. They cling to the life they thought they had and just try to rug-sweep the nightmare. I think if WW really understands that reconciliation is likely to never really end & her cheating is going to be a huge drag on the marriage forever they would make the best decision for themselves and divorce.

[smi11ie]

Just be careful not to trap yourself in a prison of lies. I have been there before and its incredibly stressful. I think you are sensible to get therapy. Its good to relieve yourself with someone. I imagine there will come a time when you might wish to tell hubby, but you are not there yet. Personally the sex stuff doesnt bother me. My partner has alot more sexual experience than I do. The lying is a problem though.

Edited March 20, 2017 by smi11ie
Silly comment

[QuietDan]

That's an accurate statement, we all do what we do because we want to. The thing I personally didn't do at that time was weigh the risks. Of course I should've...but again, unfortunately I wasn't thinking straight and wasn't thinking about my H at all during those times. Sad but true! If I were weighing the risks or even thinking how bad it would hurt my family, I wouldn't have done it. I know that sounds crazy but it's the truth.

 

Really? Do you normally lie to your husband like this? Does the affair represent your normal typical relationship with your husband?

If you weren't weighing the risks and thinking about the consequences wouldn't you have been open and honest to your husband about your activities with your affair partner? Or are typically this secretive when you go to the store or run errands? It seems as if you were being very intentional in your behavior and activities to avoid having to deal with the consequences that might occur if your husband were to find out about you having an affair. In which case, you did manage to put a few thoughts together that your husband might not approve or accept that you were having an affair.

[deadsoul]

Then be honest with yourself, examine the thoughts you had that led up to it.

You seem like a person that has the ability to think and reason. It doesn't sound like you were tied up and kidnapped, this wasn't a case of rape, drugs, or alcohol.

You wanted what you wanted. You made multiple complex decision and acted trough multiple complex steps of behavior that required careful planning. You are not a robot. It doesn't sound like you were forced into this against your will.

Are you trying to find a way to avoid the guilt you feel?

 

No way. I want to understand what I did so I don't do it again.

 

You collected information. You reasoned through the information.

You weighed the facts. You weighed the consequences. You weighed the risks.

You added it all up.... You followed a course of action based on what was most important to you at the time.

Really, what else is there???

You don't like the results...

You chose this path...

You are and adult.

 

I don't think I was reasoning or weighing the consequences at the time. I want to know how my moral compass went so south.

 

 

You made your decisions and acted on them based on what was most important to you based on your moral compass at the time.

Recently you started to take responsibility for your decisions.

You recently started to face the consequences of your decisions.

You recently started to deal with the consequences of your decisions and actions.

If you made and error in judgement at the time, learn from it, make amends if needed/required and move on.

 

I made more than one error in judgement. I feel like understanding it might help me learn.

 

I don't know if "I'm Sorry" really works for adult hood. That is what children says to express how they should feel about doing something that they did that is wrong.

 

It really doesn't. You can't put a bunch of holes in a fence and say you're sorry and have the fence be the same as it was before.

 

I am thinking "Please Forgive Me" is more appropriate....it expresses and understanding that a wrong was done and the desire to restore a relationship.

 

Maybe. I don't think that is enough. I can't even forgive myself.

 

I may never know why. I may have to accept that I spent a big chunk of time making some stupid choices. But I really want to know how I became so addicted to another person the way I did that I was willing to throw my whole life away for it.

[Jersey born raised]

It is one thing to fight for the marriage another to fight for the person. I often advise to fight for the marriage, not the WS. To fight for the WS is the pick me dance.

 

In your case I advise you to fight for both.

[Life lessons]

LL,

 

Been lurking here and following you and deadsoul's thread. I am the BH and only found out of the A from a co-worker who was worried how I was doing, as they had heard "rumors."

 

My wife was 4 months pregnant at the time I found out. DD was just a year ago. My WW only confessed after I confronted her with the "rumor." Finding out this way was the worst way possible. Immediately, I believed our entire M was a lie and sham. All along, my STBxW promised the baby was ours. After the baby was born, a paternity test revealed my worst nightmare was true.

 

Anyway, I've respected deadsoul for confessing. Her confession to her H and family carried so much weight in her expressing true guilt and remorse for her A. For me, being the BS, I realize that the confession shows a much more truer form of remorse then hiding it, hoping the BS doesn't find out.

 

I read people's stories here and really hope the couple's can R. I really want R for me as does my WW. It's a bit too late for me tho. I'm not capable of getting past the resentment, with the A child, who looks so much more her mom and dad, brings on the worst of it over and over again when I see her.

 

I really do hope for R for you and your H/ family. I wish deadsoul the best of luck with R too. Reading her thread made me wish that my WW was as diligent as her.

 

I'm at a loss for words!! I'm sorry that you had to deal with this! I can only imagine how difficult it must have been ( and still is) in a situation such as yours, where the WS got pregnant with the OMs baby.

 

I respect dead soul for confessing as well. She is a lot stronger than I am. I know my H would never forgive me..I can't forgive myself.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.