MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Life lessons]

Now... for something a bit different...

How would you describe your ability to read and understand the emotional state of other people from their facial expressions?

 

I can read facial expressions, body language......ones demeanor, pretty well.

[Life lessons]

Well you should switch until you find a good one. A good therapist will never tell you to lie and mislead, it's like going to a medical Dr with lung cancer and having him tell you to smoke marboro lites.

 

understood! I don't think she's advising me not to tell because she's not a good therapist. She just knows more about my situation and feels it's better/safer to not tell.

[Life lessons]

Perfect

 

My husband and I went to a therapist who blamed him for my affair

 

Adios to her

 

You want a therapist who helps you become better... not who tells you what you want to hear

 

Exactly! I would've said goodbye to her as well. If that were the case here, it wouldve ended, on my end, the same way. Of course there's no blame on my H, I know I'm 100 percent to blame. It all falls on me!

[Life lessons]

You are going to risk throwing away 10 years of marriage to a man you say you LOVE and destroy the family that your child has known all his or her life for a man who shows you some attention and preys on married women??!!! Sexting and messaging will bite you in the butt at some point, trust me.

 

If you need more attention/excitement from your husband, talk to him about it.

 

Think about your child - how will you explain to him or her why Mommy and Daddy don't live together anymore, why they fought, why he or she can't have all the things he or she has now. And, later, when they are grown and come to realize that their mother caused their family to fall apart -- how will you handle that?

 

"Oh, sweetie, Mommy liked the attention a guy was showing her and didn't care enough about you to think about how her behavior would affect you. But, it's not my fault because he chased me and I didn't have the balls to handle it effectively and I am selfish".

 

Unfortunately I did risk that!

 

Your words are tough to swallow....there's truth to them!!

[Quiet Storms]

understood! I don't think she's advising me not to tell because she's not a good therapist. She just knows more about my situation and feels it's better/safer to not tell.

 

I don't know if this question has been asked before, but if the situation were reversed (ie, he was the one having the A), would you want him to tell you?

 

If you were to find out after the fact, how would you feel? Would you feel betrayed and stupid that you were trying to make a relationship/marriage work and there was actually someone else in the picture?

[Life lessons]

I don't know if this question has been asked before, but if the situation were reversed (ie, he was the one having the A), would you want him to tell you?

 

If you were to find out after the fact, how would you feel? Would you feel betrayed and stupid that you were trying to make a relationship/marriage work and there was actually someone else in the picture?

 

That's difficult to answer now! I guess before I had the A, I would've said yes, I would want to know. But now....I don't know that I would. Now if he were in love with someone else, I would want to know.

 

Yes, I would feel betrayed!

[Mrs. John Adams]

That's difficult to answer now! I guess before I had the A, I would've said yes, I would want to know. But now....I don't know that I would. Now if he were in love with someone else, I would want to know.

 

Yes, I would feel betrayed!

 

My husband had a revenge affair two years after my affair... it made no difference to me and at this point after 45 years of marriage I would not want to know

 

But he feels differently than I do

 

You see here's the point

 

What gives you the right to make this decision for him? Because you have his best interest at heart? Really? Then why did you screw another man?

[QuietDan]

That's difficult to answer now! I guess before I had the A, I would've said yes, I would want to know. But now....I don't know that I would. Now if he were in love with someone else, I would want to know.

 

Yes, I would feel betrayed!

 

There the crux. For woman... the critical issue is usually about emotional faithfulness. For men, the critical issue is about physical faithfulness. Since your affair was both emotional and physical...

[road]

I certainly don't feel that I'm trying to minimize what I have done. I agree it is unusual, I thought the same! I have no idea why he told some of his close family members....there was nothing more than I said and I never led him on to think we would ever be more.

 

Bragging rights: I'm banging this MW.

[Jersey born raised]

I am not going to disagree with your therapist. I would ask if the two of you have discussed what would occur if your husband discovered the adultery years from now. I took an outline from another poster and modified it by adding points and to some degree format:

 

There is a slim chance of divorce but most likely not - because a the BS has conformed their life to make the marriage work. The marriage might actually be much better, which makes it worse for the BS!!!

 

The WS believes they have have healed themselves and the marriage. Whike understandable the BS has doubts the fact remains they gave you a pretty good life since then. Then they point out all the things they have gone out of the way to do for the BS.

 

The WS feels BS should "just get over it" - quickly because it was such a long time ago. Then because the BS does not resentment sets in.

 

The BS can NEVER find out exactly what happened - because the memories of both the BS & WS are clouded by time. Beaides whayf does it matter? The WS asks if we had divorced and you meet someone else and you married them, had the exact same marriage you would be content and you know it,

 

The BS's memories are stronger - because the WS no matter what they think the BS felt isolated during the adultery. *Marriage has up and downs and although they hinted around a felt there may be problem did *not confront.

 

The WS's memories of that time are often of the highlights of these times, The of the highs they felt from the excitement & lust emotions.*

 

The WS' memories of their marriage pre-adultery are rewritten to justified the adultery. To*own up to one's flaws is a hard thing to do.

 

Moving on from DDay is pure HELL for the BS. DDay is from day the discovery occured not the beginning of or end of the adultery. *DDay emotions set in but now include years or decades of post adultery memories clouding them. They include:

 

- the BS have no outlet for your emotions, exposure seems like a betrayal of the WS.

 

- The WS cannot confide in anybody for the same reasons they decided not to confess.

 

- for male BS they are scared that one child may not be theirs. How does a loving father ask an adult child for a DNA sample? What type of father does this?

 

- this question haunts the BS: their 'wonderful & loving' spouse messed up and willingly slept with another. *Was it in your bed, in your car, on your settee, the kids!!*

 

- both BH and BW wonder about did the WS do things you NEVER did together. For BH often this goes to how much less the WS loved them. For the BW it goes to questioning their personal integrity.*

 

- then the BS starts to read between the lines attempting to fill in the gaps with information that time has erased. Yea, *the "fill in" info is almost *always worse then the fact. But *understand a fundamental pillar of the BS has been destroyed. Every aspect of the BS is called into question by the BS.*

 

- yet, the BS feels trapped. They *spiral downward, again the dynamic of "get over it" rises up. The BS ask, why didn't you just divorce me, *why?*

 

So if you don't confess, at least be prepared to heal you spouse on DDay. *The bottom line, how are you going to help your BS heal? *

 

How*???**

 

How ???

[Mr Blunt]

By Blunt from previous post

Now Mrs. John Adams has given you some real good actions listed below. Are you going to do those or are you all talk?

 

 

BY Mrs. John Adams

please read how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald

 

 

please get your self into therapy and please find a therapist who is an infidelity expert...not the quack you are seeing now

 

 

Please make yourself accountable to SOMEONE...like a minister...or your mom or your sister

 

 

Please eventually tell your husband what you have done

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to: Life lessons,

I noticed that you dodged several of my questions and the most recent is the one above in bold. When someone gives you concrete steps to take to get better why do you ignore doing them?

[QuietDan]

How has the affair affected your marriage if at all?

Has your husband noticed any changes?

Are you more satisfied with the level of emotional and physical intimacy with your husband?

Do you think your husband is content and happy in the marriage?

Do you think the affair has helped or improved the level of communication between you and your husband?

Has the affair affected the sex life between you and your husband for the better, worse, or no change at all?

Are you more or less affectionate towards your husband due to the affair?

Did the affair give you an outlet that allowed you to put up with issues with your husband that you might eventually confronted your husband otherwise?

Or, in other words, do you think the affair has created an environment where issues and problems between you and your husband are now going unresolved instead of being worked out?

How has your husband responded to the changes that have occurred in you due to the affair? If he has changed, or not changed, how has that affected your feelings towards your husband? More frustration? Less frustration?

Things are better than they have ever been? If you have pulled away and left any voids, how has your husband filled them? How has he adjusted? In ways that you like or dislike?

[smi11ie]

This is YOUR thread and I are here to give advice to YOU for YOUR situation. One day he might be here....who knows....then I can give him advice. I would not tell him before you are prepared for what might come. I advise you to work toward confession, however, it's up to you. Whatever happens, get control of this mess (the om family know.....really?.....thats not good) so you remain in the driving seat. If the other guy is too keen on you then he could develop into a problem.

Edited March 23, 2017 by smi11ie

[Life lessons]

There the crux. For woman... the critical issue is usually about emotional faithfulness. For men, the critical issue is about physical faithfulness. Since your affair was both emotional and physical...

 

Yep, I definitely see your point. Can you explain why men are more apt to get upset over a PA rather than an EA?

 

I wouldn't have such an issue admitting to an EA, because I do feel like my H wouldn't be as upset...just not certain why that is from a mans point of view!?

[Life lessons]

I am not going to disagree with your therapist. I would ask if the two of you have discussed what would occur if your husband discovered the adultery years from now. I took an outline from another poster and modified it by adding points and to some degree format:

 

There is a slim chance of divorce but most likely not - because a the BS has conformed their life to make the marriage work. The marriage might actually be much better, which makes it worse for the BS!!!

 

The WS believes they have have healed themselves and the marriage. Whike understandable the BS has doubts the fact remains they gave you a pretty good life since then. Then they point out all the things they have gone out of the way to do for the BS.

 

The WS feels BS should "just get over it" - quickly because it was such a long time ago. Then because the BS does not resentment sets in.

 

The BS can NEVER find out exactly what happened - because the memories of both the BS & WS are clouded by time. Beaides whayf does it matter? The WS asks if we had divorced and you meet someone else and you married them, had the exact same marriage you would be content and you know it,

 

The BS's memories are stronger - because the WS no matter what they think the BS felt isolated during the adultery. *Marriage has up and downs and although they hinted around a felt there may be problem did *not confront.

 

The WS's memories of that time are often of the highlights of these times, The of the highs they felt from the excitement & lust emotions.*

 

The WS' memories of their marriage pre-adultery are rewritten to justified the adultery. To*own up to one's flaws is a hard thing to do.

 

Moving on from DDay is pure HELL for the BS. DDay is from day the discovery occured not the beginning of or end of the adultery. *DDay emotions set in but now include years or decades of post adultery memories clouding them. They include:

 

- the BS have no outlet for your emotions, exposure seems like a betrayal of the WS.

 

- The WS cannot confide in anybody for the same reasons they decided not to confess.

 

- for male BS they are scared that one child may not be theirs. How does a loving father ask an adult child for a DNA sample? What type of father does this?

 

- this question haunts the BS: their 'wonderful & loving' spouse messed up and willingly slept with another. *Was it in your bed, in your car, on your settee, the kids!!*

 

- both BH and BW wonder about did the WS do things you NEVER did together. For BH often this goes to how much less the WS loved them. For the BW it goes to questioning their personal integrity.*

 

- then the BS starts to read between the lines attempting to fill in the gaps with information that time has erased. Yea, *the "fill in" info is almost *always worse then the fact. But *understand a fundamental pillar of the BS has been destroyed. Every aspect of the BS is called into question by the BS.*

 

- yet, the BS feels trapped. They *spiral downward, again the dynamic of "get over it" rises up. The BS ask, why didn't you just divorce me, *why?*

 

So if you don't confess, at least be prepared to heal you spouse on DDay. *The bottom line, how are you going to help your BS heal? *

 

How*???**

 

How ???

 

We have not discussed that yet. I've only been once thus far. I have another session next week. It's difficult to find the time for weekly sessions but I think I'm going to see if I'm able to find the time because I do think I'd benefit much more, at the moment, if I were to have weekly sessions.

 

I was debating on whether to confide in my sister but I feel that she would tell her husband and that's how things, such as this, are typically exposed.....I don't feel like I can trust anyone to tell this too...anyone that I know.

 

I have reviewed your above text and I think I will go ahead and write out a timeline.

[Life lessons]

By Blunt from previous post

Now Mrs. John Adams has given you some real good actions listed below. Are you going to do those or are you all talk?

 

 

BY Mrs. John Adams

please read how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald

 

 

please get your self into therapy and please find a therapist who is an infidelity expert...not the quack you are seeing now

 

 

Please make yourself accountable to SOMEONE...like a minister...or your mom or your sister

 

 

Please eventually tell your husband what you have done

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to: Life lessons,

I noticed that you dodged several of my questions and the most recent is the one above in bold. When someone gives you concrete steps to take to get better why do you ignore doing them?

 

My apologies. I'm not deliberately avoiding answering your questions. Some I just can't answer, so I willingly skip those because I don't have the answer(s). I thought I had answered those questions posed above...I am in therapy. I am going to go to a couple more sessions and if I feel I need to find another, I definitely will. I have read a lot about infidelity, affairs and read some of the recommendation that Mrs. Adams has suggested. I'm not seeing your bolded questions but hopefully I've addressed those!?? If not, please let me know and I will try my best to answer.

[aliveagain]

Yep, I definitely see your point. Can you explain why men are more apt to get upset over a PA rather than an EA?

 

I wouldn't have such an issue admitting to an EA, because I do feel like my H wouldn't be as upset...just not certain why that is from a mans point of view!?

 

It has to do with every man having the right to the paternity of their children. How can you guarantee him that right when you are exchanging bodily fluids with another man? That right is bred into us and doesn't stop until we take our last breath.

[Life lessons]

'LL

 

I have followed your thread from the beginning and I neither agree or disagree with your decision. My observation is that the topic is at 436 posts and you spend a lot of time defending your decision but most of your replies come back to the affair and OM. Do you think that having to write about it/him every day is really helping you to get him out of your system, dedicate the time spent on your family and work.

 

I am certainly no expert and most on here have a better understanding of infidelity, what I have said may be rug sweeping but you have made your decision. Don't keep getting beaten up over it.

 

I don't feel like my answers pertain to the OM, unless someone asks a question about the OM. And in that case, yes I answer the question. And no I don't think me writing about him on here is prolonging anything. I'm done with him and just because I speak about the OM on here, when I post, doesn't mean it's stalling my progress. If I thought it was, I wouldn't post on here about it. Truth is, it's indifferent to me. I'm not taking time away from my family when I'm on here, so that's not an issue.

 

Yes, I've made up my mind for now to not confess to my h, but as I've stated before, some posters have great advice and suggestions. Different views help me to see things differently and that's a real eye opener to me. I can process things much better knowing all sides.

[Life lessons]

How has the affair affected your marriage if at all?

Has your husband noticed any changes?

Are you more satisfied with the level of emotional and physical intimacy with your husband?

Do you think your husband is content and happy in the marriage?

Do you think the affair has helped or improved the level of communication between you and your husband?

Has the affair affected the sex life between you and your husband for the better, worse, or no change at all?

Are you more or less affectionate towards your husband due to the affair?

Did the affair give you an outlet that allowed you to put up with issues with your husband that you might eventually confronted your husband otherwise?

Or, in other words, do you think the affair has created an environment where issues and problems between you and your husband are now going unresolved instead of being worked out?

How has your husband responded to the changes that have occurred in you due to the affair? If he has changed, or not changed, how has that affected your feelings towards your husband? More frustration? Less frustration?

Things are better than they have ever been? If you have pulled away and left any voids, how has your husband filled them? How has he adjusted? In ways that you like or dislike?

 

I think I've answered some of these questions earlier in the thread but nothing has changed in my marriage. My husband has noticed no changes because there has been no noticeable changes. Yes, my husband is content and happy to be in this marriage. (I know he wouldn't be if I confessed) no change at all in sex. It's the same as it's always been. I have no issues at all with my husband. He is a great husband, father and friend. There's no unresolved issues between us.

[Life lessons]

This is YOUR thread and I are here to give advice to YOU for YOUR situation. One day he might be here....who knows....then I can give him advice. I would not tell him before you are prepared for what might come. I advise you to work toward confession, however, it's up to you. Whatever happens, get control of this mess (the om family know.....really?.....thats not good) so you remain in the driving seat. If the other guy is too keen on you then he could develop into a problem.

 

I have no plans to tell him because I know he couldn't deal with it. It would break him and our family into. I am trying to control everything and that's why I've told no one. I don't know why the OM told family....but they are in another state, so hopefully nothing will ever get back. I don't think he'll be a problem. We had a friendship first and he knows I'm normally not a bad person. I don't think he'd hurt me like that.

[Life lessons]

It has to do with every man having the right to the paternity of their children. How can you guarantee him that right when you are exchanging bodily fluids with another man? That right is bred into us and doesn't stop until we take our last breath.

 

I understand the paternity. The OM and I never exchanged bodily fluids. I know that's difficult for some to believe and if I didn't take caution it would've happened because the OM did try to pull a fast one on that....but I made sure that didn't happen. I'm not saying that makes anything better, I'm only saying that we did use protection.

 

And yes, I know condoms don't protect against everything.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have no plans to tell him because I know he couldn't deal with it. It would break him and our family into. I am trying to control everything and that's why I've told no one. I don't know why the OM told family....but they are in another state, so hopefully nothing will ever get back. I don't think he'll be a problem. We had a friendship first and he knows I'm normally not a bad person. I don't think he'd hurt me like that.

 

No...you do NOT know that he could not deal with it...you ASSUME he won't be able to

 

 

Listen... this is the part that makes me the most upset

 

I told my husband i had cheated...and I KNEW he was going to divorce me. We had previously discussed infidelity..you know...what would you do? I told him I would forgive him....he told me he would divorce me.

 

But I told him that I cheated....and I said to him....i will do whatever you want me to do...and he said

 

I WANT YOU TO STAY

 

there is no one in this world...who was more surprised than me. I told him I will leave and ask for nothing...and the man said...I WANT YOU TO STAY

 

 

So please stop trying to convince us that you know what your husband will do...and whats best for him...because i am just not buying it.

 

You don't want to tell him because you don't want to tell him. Stop talking for him....and if you tell him and he chooses to divorce you...it is exactly what you deserve. Do you understand this? You are trying to protect YOU.

[Owl6118]

I understand the paternity. The OM and I never exchanged bodily fluids. I know that's difficult for some to believe and if I didn't take caution it would've happened because the OM did try to pull a fast one on that....but I made sure that didn't happen. I'm not saying that makes anything better, I'm only saying that we did use protection.

 

And yes, I know condoms don't protect against everything.

 

Yes, but those are rational considerations. Aliveagain is really saying that male psychology was shaped for millenia by the reality-- true for all human history except the most recent eyelash thin wafer of time-- of our inability to be certain of paternity. The deep, deep wound to a man's dignity when a bonded and pledged mate betrays him sexually is bred into us by this long reality.

 

Female sexual infidelity threatens a man with genetic extinction. Full stop. Evolutionary death.

 

Men evolved their minds and the emotions and reactions they generate in the context of that. And in that context, intense anger and disgust with a bonded partner's physical infidelity is adaptive. The advent of technological birth control is far too recent to change this.

 

Evolutionary psych is not individusl destiny. We do have other parts of our brain, other ways of thinking. Nothing in evolution predicts how any specific individual man will react. But I think it would be very unwise not to respect how far evolution can go in embedding a profound emotional revulsion to a bonded partner's sexual infidelity into the average male brain, and into aspects of his thinking and feeling that are far deeper and faster than data-based cognition.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I understand the paternity. The OM and I never exchanged bodily fluids. I know that's difficult for some to believe and if I didn't take caution it would've happened because the OM did try to pull a fast one on that....but I made sure that didn't happen. I'm not saying that makes anything better, I'm only saying that we did use protection.

 

And yes, I know condoms don't protect against everything.

 

Did you kiss him? Did you give him a blow job without a condom?

 

I call bull**** on not exchanging body fluids.....totally and completely impossible unless you did not kiss him .....and I seriously doubt it....and condoms do not cover the entire penis unless he has a really tiny penis.....just sayin

[understand50]

I have no plans to tell him because I know he couldn't deal with it. It would break him and our family into. I am trying to control everything and that's why I've told no one. I don't know why the OM told family....but they are in another state, so hopefully nothing will ever get back. I don't think he'll be a problem. We had a friendship first and he knows I'm normally not a bad person. I don't think he'd hurt me like that.

 

Life lessons,

 

I think you underestimate your husband. I am sure he has strength that you do not know about. People will surprise you in what they can endure, and what they can forgive and live with.

 

You cannot assume he will never find out. If I was you, and wish to keep to your present course, I would at least write out a timeline, think you are already, and also write a letter to him telling him what and how you were thinking at this time. May go a long way to help ease his hurt and pain, but in any case, it may also lead you to confess.

 

I wish you luck.....