MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[DKT3]

WOW. that's some pressure. No wonder you are here. Your silence forces you to give up so much power. Your life as it is could change in a instant. You are now running from the OM. Changing offices, changing jobs, always on the run. Honestly, if he knows where you work and the car you drive, all he has to do is wait.

 

The OM controls your marriage. And he is single, so there is no counter threat. This is your greatest danger. He will soon be in your area on a regular basis. If he decides to tell you to have sex with him and hints he may tell your husband, what will you do? You will either have to confess or resume the affair.

 

You are counting on the friendship to a man who could care less about your husband and can rock your world to its very core. I am not saying you should confess, but dang, I don't envy your life, or the boulder that is hanging over your husbands head.

 

Maybe everyone is wrong and your relationship is solid with this guy (for now). however instead of waxing poetic about your friendship and how you miss the OM, perhaps you should be hoping that he gets hit by a semi.

 

(OK the semi is a little rough, how about a mild disease that causes permanent amnesia).

 

Prayers for your family

If there is a miscalculation on her part it may very well be over estimating his desire to protect her and by extension her marriage, what she is missing is it's counterintuitive to his interest, he doesn't give a flip about her marriage or husband and could very well view him as the obstacle.

 

But that's only conjecter because most likely he was just getting some easy nsa sex

[QuietDan]

Yes, he comes into my work...well did. I'm sure he'll be back...maybe even within the next couple of weeks but I've taken steps to make certain he doesn't know my new location in the building. It's a large enough company, so I'm confident he will not know where to look once he sees I'm not in my old office.

 

What if you were successful and managed to get your affair partner to think he has fallen in love with you? He might not give up so easily. Especially if he is alot younger and not very mature about all of this.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

So, during all of the time spent talking between the two of you, or, work related encounters, he never found out what your full name was, "your last name". You never once mentioned your husband's first name? Even before the affair officially started? Hopefully he's not the obsessive stalker type. I wonder if he ever followed you home before the affair officially started or while you were in the middle of it? Hopefully he handles the rejection well.

 

I guess I'm the "stalker type". My wife gave me the OMs first and last name. I knew he worked with her. With just that info 8 years after the affair I was to find a LOT about him from online searches. Addresses, tax records on his houses and cars, marriage announcement, full background check, I know about his extended family, places of work, email addresses, cell phone #, home ph #, his wife's personal info, wife's relatives and addresses and places of work, Facebook accounts, LinkedIn accounts, mutual "friends", his kids' names and school. In today's world it is so easy!

[Imajerk17]

There "was" a possibility but I have now changed office locations.

 

In regards to his family knowing, they live out of state-- approx. 10 hours away. they have no clue what circles I run in. The most they could know is the location of my job. Regardless, I am looking to switch jobs, although I know I have taken the right precautions to never see him again. There is no chance at all of seeing him.

 

I don't know what the future holds and I may tell my H, in the future but bows not the time. I am working on a timeline, just in case I forget the details.

 

Yes, the OM could very well be a player. I don't know! Facts you presented are correct.

 

I read a post questioning what I would do if he emails me an ultimatum and as it stands, his email will be returned back because he's blocked. He's also blocked on all social media, what's app and other apps....(the apps we used to message) The only possible way he can contact me is my office and I screen all calls...BUT if some chance he gave me that ultimatum, I feel like I would have to speak with him and settle it so that he doesn't expose me.

 

 

So, let me get this straight...you might end up NEGOTIATING with MM? How would that work? Is that even a good idea in the first place? Like his promise to you would even be binding anyway!

 

Life lessons, do you notice how you are being piled on here? It's because you still aren't thinking straight. You still don't seem to get this, you are right now in some extremely serious trouble. You already made it clear that protecting your own bacon is more important than doing the right thing, the only thing that really can put you on the path to rectifying this. The dragnet is probably closing in on you though. There is a very good chance that you will be exposed, one way or another, if you do not take the initiative to confess yourself.

 

RE what QuietDan and BetrayedAndStayed said posts #502 and #503, it would be VERY easy for OM to find out Life lesson's full name--if he doesn't already--not to mention other compromising information. I mean, he knows where she works, chances are he knows at least one coworker, it is possible it may slip out by accident. And even if she tells coworkers not to tell OM her last name--they might but 2 and 2 together themselves...

Edited March 24, 2017 by Imajerk17

[MickeyBill]

Even if you have a new office he could just ask a co worker where you moved ("Hey, where did LL go, I have something to drop off to her") and unless they are on the look-out for him they might just say that you are "now in building B on the 2 second floor, here I'll draw you a map"

 

Loose lips sink ships....

Edited March 25, 2017 by MickeyBill

[Life lessons]

Yes, he knows my name and place of employment. Nothing else. I have a very common name....I'm sure he could find out some things but it wouldn't be easy nor would he find very much information......he doesn't know what city I reside in. I do not reside in the same city as my employment. I have a 50 minute commute to work and he doesn't know that much. He wouldn't know what city to search in.

 

I have never mentioned my husbands name to him....never. Even if I had of, which I know I didn't, my husband doesn't go by his birth name.

 

 

As far as social media, I use my maiden name and he doesn't know that. I never connected with him on my "real life" social media accounts. Not any accounts that had my family, friends, etc. so if he were to search in those accounts, I would not show under the search results.

 

No, I do not think any coworkers would tell him my new location. He has spoken to some of them but not enough that he's comfortable or has a friendship with them. In all honesty, they probably wouldn't remember who he is/was.

 

As far as the concern on giving me an ultimatum and meeting him....I know that's not going to happen. If that was the case, I would think he would have already done that.

 

He is 6 years and some months younger than myself....almost 7 years....so no, he's not that much younger and I wouldn't say that he's immature, at all.

 

I'm trying to answer the questions without quoting and making several new replies, so my apologies if I didn't address a specific question.

[QuietDan]

There you have it.

The perfectly executed crime.

Very well thought out, planned, and executed.

I can see why you have very little fear about getting caught.

It appears that you were very deliberate at every stage of this.

Your husband has his place in your life.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

This sort of controlling behavior and thinking doesn't begin and end here with this.

Was it all about the ego boost and challenge for you?

Did having a husband get boring for you?

So it was time for something a little bit more interesting and challenging?

Time to move on to the next plaything.

Codependency is a wonderful thing.

 

At this point, it appears that both you and your affair partner are players. Who was playing who... doesn't matter... you both had your own games that you were playing with each other.

 

Back to the final premise, the only innocent person in all of this was your husband. But, since you aren't done using him, I doubt that you are interested in setting him free yet.

Probable best to wait till the kid is grown up before you trade him in for a new model.

I doubt this will be the last time you get bored and look around for a diversion or a challenge.

[usa1ah]

How in the world do you even look you fake husband in the eye. It must be pretty damn easy seeing how you don't love him at all.

 

I actually hope he never finds out. I hope karma catches up with you and you just disappear.

[usa1ah]

Very true. I definitely know actions speak louder than words. And yes...very hollow! I make him use a condom, so I'm not really worried about stds.

 

You have to be f'n kidding me.

 

Your not this stupid are you?

 

Have you sucked his ****? If so, yes you can have a STD!

 

What else have you exposed your loving husband to. Years of neglect. While you have been putting ALL OF YOU SEXUAL ENERGY INTO A POSOM.

[usa1ah]

You have good points. I do think It is hard for me to emotionally attach to things. I've always been that way. I don't feel I've become anymore emotionally detached or attached than what I've always been. I would never be angry enough to put my h down or hurt him verbally. As I've stated I do want to stop this and I am going to. Yes I've taken so many steps to insure my h doesn't find out. I'm even using a friends old email that she no longer uses. I've had her password info and all with her knowledge for years because of social media happenings. So yes I have done my best to cover my tracks. Again I know how bad all this sounds but I'm being honest here. Regardless I know i know that I would never throw any of this into my h face. Ever.

 

What do you expect. How can you attach to your husband when your off banging another man.

 

That a really great why to say I love you to your husband and a grow closer to him.

 

Your friend help you to do this? Really

[usa1ah]

Ok I have changed my mind.

 

I hope you POSOM finds your husband and tells all. I hope he has photos and video to back it up.

 

You sit here and talk about how you would leave your husband if he did this to you but sense your the one it's ok if he doesn't find out.

 

Do what is right. Move out and tell your husband the truth. Let him decide if the marriage goes forward. Prove that you love him by walking away and letting him have everything. I am not saying giving up your kids. 50/50 split between the two of you. Give your husband the space and time to heal.

 

So do you really love your husband to sacrifice yourself for his own good and long term happiness?

[MikeM 1028]

I agree LL. The truth will hurt like a MF'er for him but at least there's honesty and will set you two free. I had to find out from others, while my WW kept it secret. Hence the respect I have for deadsoul how she confessed on her own. It's f'ed up for the BS to find out this way. Seems narcissistic (all about you and what you want) to me to do all this and keep it from your best friend/ husband and hypocritical to leave him if he did this to you.

 

Not hating on you. I wish you and esp your BH and kids the best.

[QuietDan]

What do you expect. How can you attach to your husband when your off banging another man.

 

That a really great why to say I love you to your husband and a grow closer to him.

 

Your friend help you to do this? Really

 

I keep getting shades of sociopathic tendencies from LL. I wonder if she has it in her to really emotionally attach to anything. Non of this is surprising if she is not wired for empathy. She is very intelligent, seems to have learned a lot of skills in reading other people and having emotional fondness for them. Her husband makes for a pretty good pet. I am sure she deeply cares for him in her own way.

[BaileyB]

LL, I have followed your posts and I've really been hoping that you would find a way to work this out for your family.

 

That said, I read your posts and I really struggle to understand how you could have made the decision to chose another man over your family. I struggle to understand how you justify keeping this secret from your husband. I struggle to understand the selfishness and sense of entitlement... without judgment, I just struggle to understand what is happening for you in your life and in your marriage that has prompted this affair.

 

I know that I could never live with the guilt of this betrayal. I would not want to live with the threat of exposure hanging over my marriage. And, I just don't know how you can look your husband in the eye, or kiss him goodnight, or tell him that you love him when you know what you have done and that you have kept this betrayal from him.

 

I could never do it. But, I do wish you well and I hope that it works out for you, whatever happens...

[smi11ie]

Well done for stopping the affair. Your husband is unlikely to find out. In the future if you want to tell him then make sure you are prepared.

[QuietDan]

LL, I have followed your posts and I've really been hoping that you would find a way to work this out for your family.

 

That said, I read your posts and I really struggle to understand how you could have made the decision to chose another man over your family. I struggle to understand how you justify keeping this secret from your husband. I struggle to understand the selfishness and sense of entitlement... without judgment, I just struggle to understand what is happening for you in your life and in your marriage that has prompted this affair.

 

I know that I could never live with the guilt of this betrayal. I would not want to live with the threat of exposure hanging over my marriage. And, I just don't know how you can look your husband in the eye, or kiss him goodnight, or tell him that you love him when you know what you have done and that you have kept this betrayal from him.

 

I could never do it. But, I do wish you well and I hope that it works out for you, whatever happens...

 

Sociopathic tendencies, or, possibly somewhere on the high functioning autism spectrum (asperger's).

[deadsoul]

So now we are calling OP a sociopath for choosing not to tell?

 

It was pointed out in my thread that the group does not have the whole story. I think the same applies here. LL is doing what's best for her and her family at this time. I am doing what is best for me and my family at this time. I don't understand why we have to keep beating this dead horse. Personally, I'm amazed she keeps coming back, but I admire it because she's answered each question and attacks with honesty and I see a person really trying to work through a hard situation. Yes, she caused it. Yes, she is not doing what the majority thinks she should do.

 

I think at some point people have to agree to disagree. But suggesting someone is sociopath because they don't agree with someone else's views or takes actions someone suggests they should take seems a little far.

 

One thing is we all come here and give our advice based on our experiences. Some of them really painful. I think we all need to remember that just because we feel one way or another, doesn't mean everyone does. If OP's actions trigger or hurt, maybe one should just skip this thread, no? She didn't originally come here asking whether or not she should confess and this thread keeps coming back to it.

[BaileyB]

Sociopathic tendencies, or, possibly somewhere on the high functioning autism spectrum (asperger's).

 

That's a huge assumption to make and I don't think that it's particularly responsible or respectful.

[Life lessons]

You have to be f'n kidding me.

 

Your not this stupid are you?

 

Have you sucked his ****? If so, yes you can have a STD!

 

What else have you exposed your loving husband to. Years of neglect. While you have been putting ALL OF YOU SEXUAL ENERGY INTO A POSOM.

 

Oh geez,,,,,I'm obviously not ignorant!! As I said a few posts back----I did NOT give him oral!! I'm well aware of how stds are spread.

 

I hardly think a few month A and sex a few times has exposed my H to years of neglect! No, all my sexual energy didn't go to the OM.....I realize a few times is too many times but as I've said before.....never mind.....it's worthless trying to make some people understand.

[Life lessons]

Ok I have changed my mind.

 

I hope you POSOM finds your husband and tells all. I hope he has photos and video to back it up.

 

You sit here and talk about how you would leave your husband if he did this to you but sense your the one it's ok if he doesn't find out.

 

Do what is right. Move out and tell your husband the truth. Let him decide if the marriage goes forward. Prove that you love him by walking away and letting him have everything. I am not saying giving up your kids. 50/50 split between the two of you. Give your husband the space and time to heal.

 

So do you really love your husband to sacrifice yourself for his own good and long term happiness?

 

I understand if you haven't read this thread in it's entirety, considering the length, but I was asked a few pages back this same question....again....and I said I probably wouldn't leave my H now. Before the A, yes I would've had a different answer.

 

And I know it's quite difficult for everyone to believe because of the A, but yes, I love my husband more than life.

 

And yes, I would give him everything if we split.

[Life lessons]

I keep getting shades of sociopathic tendencies from LL. I wonder if she has it in her to really emotionally attach to anything. Non of this is surprising if she is not wired for empathy. She is very intelligent, seems to have learned a lot of skills in reading other people and having emotional fondness for them. Her husband makes for a pretty good pet. I am sure she deeply cares for him in her own way.

 

In all honesty, you may be correct...but I've not had that diagnosis. In reality, I don't attach to much. I also don't trust and rely on people. Just seems like I'd be disappointed in life, if I did. Of course I hurt but maybe not as much as you all want to see and want me to express! I'm one of the ones that says if it happens...it happens. And also one to say that everything happens for a reason. I know I'm not going to always find the reason but hell, I still live by that. Not necessarily where the A comes in....I'm only speaking of life in general. That's also not saying I make stupid decisions like this often but yes, I make mistakes. This is the worst mistake/decision I've ever made in my life.

 

Some of you guys are truly harsh individuals saying how I should just disappear, etc. Jesus....I guess most of you are P. E. R. F. E. C. T.

[Life lessons]

LL, I have followed your posts and I've really been hoping that you would find a way to work this out for your family.

 

That said, I read your posts and I really struggle to understand how you could have made the decision to chose another man over your family. I struggle to understand how you justify keeping this secret from your husband. I struggle to understand the selfishness and sense of entitlement... without judgment, I just struggle to understand what is happening for you in your life and in your marriage that has prompted this affair.

 

I know that I could never live with the guilt of this betrayal. I would not want to live with the threat of exposure hanging over my marriage. And, I just don't know how you can look your husband in the eye, or kiss him goodnight, or tell him that you love him when you know what you have done and that you have kept this betrayal from him.

 

I could never do it. But, I do wish you well and I hope that it works out for you, whatever happens...

 

Bailey, I've been struggling with that as well. Looking back, I obviously was only thinking about myself....I hate to say that, but it's the truth... I didn't think about anything really. I was a very selfish person!

 

As far as living with the guilt....I feel guilty but not so much that I'm going to confess.....not now anyways. I'm certain that if I constantly dwelled on what I did, that would drive me insane but the truth is, I try not to think too much about what I did. I take a few times per day to read and learn, so that I get a better understanding of all of this but other than those 2-3 times a day...it's out of my mind.

[Life lessons]

So now we are calling OP a sociopath for choosing not to tell?

 

It was pointed out in my thread that the group does not have the whole story. I think the same applies here. LL is doing what's best for her and her family at this time. I am doing what is best for me and my family at this time. I don't understand why we have to keep beating this dead horse. Personally, I'm amazed she keeps coming back, but I admire it because she's answered each question and attacks with honesty and I see a person really trying to work through a hard situation. Yes, she caused it. Yes, she is not doing what the majority thinks she should do.

 

I think at some point people have to agree to disagree. But suggesting someone is sociopath because they don't agree with someone else's views or takes actions someone suggests they should take seems a little far.

 

One thing is we all come here and give our advice based on our experiences. Some of them really painful. I think we all need to remember that just because we feel one way or another, doesn't mean everyone does. If OP's actions trigger or hurt, maybe one should just skip this thread, no? She didn't originally come here asking whether or not she should confess and this thread keeps coming back to it.

 

It's okay dead soul. Maybe I do have those traits since I seem to handle things differently than most! That's obvious here at LS.

 

I do appreciate your kind words and I do hope everything is going good with your family. I'be been meaning to catch up on your thread. Good luck to you and thanks again. :-)

[harrybrown]

I agree LL. The truth will hurt like a MF'er for him but at least there's honesty and will set you two free. I had to find out from others, while my WW kept it secret. Hence the respect I have for deadsoul how she confessed on her own. It's f'ed up for the BS to find out this way. Seems narcissistic (all about you and what you want) to me to do all this and keep it from your best friend/ husband and hypocritical to leave him if he did this to you.

 

Not hating on you. I wish you and esp your BH and kids the best.

 

Yes, this. wife still denies any A.

 

OM sent me a picture of them on the bed I built.

 

Really classy guy.

 

He has bragged and bragged about it.

 

Just kills the love right out of you.

 

The OM really enjoys showing how much better than me that he is.

But is someone that cheats really better? what about a man that provides for his family and is still providing after 40 years. I know I have my faults.

I work too hard.

 

But the coward will not show his face. All of the pictures his face does not show.

 

40 years down the drain. Too tired to start over. Worked too hard for so long to start over. Have over a million in retirement funds.

 

But any love is dead. She killed it. Just stay for grandkids and retirement where I will not work hard any longer and do what I want.

 

Told her I was leaving. She said she will follow me where ever I go.

[QuietDan]

That's a huge assumption to make and I don't think that it's particularly responsible or respectful.

 

LL has made numerous statements about a variety of things throughout her thread regarding her emotional response to a variety of things, or lack of emotional response.

Just because a person isn't able to distinguish red, doesn't mean they only see the world in black and white.

However, getting angry and frustrated at such a person for not being able to see red or readily distinguish various shades of orange compared to other people seems equally pointless and cruel.

 

If a particular perspective is taken off of the table as not being allowed to be considered a potential factor in the situation, finding an effective solution to prevent future occurrences may not be found at this time. Or, only lead to additional problems and frustrations.

 

The picture painted by words is often limited to the range of vocabulary that is available to portray it.

 

I think that perhaps, it might be worth the time for LL to evaluate exactly what she is feeling, when she is feeling it, and why she is feeling it.

She may be motivated to pursue some things for different reasons than initially considered. Accurately identify motivational issues should be helpful in figuring out ways to prevent future occurrences.

She may need to find a different set of coping, adapting, and motivational tools than have been presented and argued over at great length on this thread so far.

I understand I was being a bit blunt earlier.

However, I think it might be useful to evaluate if this might be a contributing factor in some of her actions, reactions, motivation, behavior, and decisions.