MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Jersey born raised]

LL,

 

You are taking a beating here which may serve which may help you if your husband discovers the adultery. However, the WayWard forum may be of better use to you understand yourself. Consider moving your thread (ask a mod by hitting the "alert button " at the bottom of every post or start a new thread on the WayWard forum.

 

Have you read any threads on that forum? Several posters come to mind: SouthernSunShine, HeCantBreakMe, GreyCloud, and midnight blue.

[QuietDan]

In all honesty, you may be correct...but I've not had that diagnosis. In reality, I don't attach to much. I also don't trust and rely on people. Just seems like I'd be disappointed in life, if I did. Of course I hurt but maybe not as much as you all want to see and want me to express! I'm one of the ones that says if it happens...it happens. And also one to say that everything happens for a reason. I know I'm not going to always find the reason but hell, I still live by that. Not necessarily where the A comes in....I'm only speaking of life in general. That's also not saying I make stupid decisions like this often but yes, I make mistakes. This is the worst mistake/decision I've ever made in my life.

 

Some of you guys are truly harsh individuals saying how I should just disappear, etc. Jesus....I guess most of you are P. E. R. F. E. C. T.

 

I wonder if you were trying to get some positive emotional reward/feedback in a vicarious sense by trying to get the OM to fall in Love with you.

Your earlier comments about it seemed to be particularly unique and potentially very relevant regarding this affair. Why that was important, what sort of reward did that "really" get you? I say "really, because, if what was going on and why it was happening was being describe with conventional terms for the conventional reasons, they may not be entirely accurate.

You may need to re-evaluate what your real motivational issues are.

 

I am sure that emotional rewards where a very important factor here.

 

When you live in a dessert of emotional dryness, when you find an oasis of positive emotions, what ever they may be, it is very enticing to go there.

 

There are other ways to get there. With your husband, but, it will require some out of the box thinking and creativity. Soul searching, and exploring this subject from a different perspective.

But, I think you can get there.

Really, you have so much to work with already. You just need to find a better way to direct it and control it.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Mr Blunt

Now Mrs. John Adams has given you some real good actions listed below. Are you going to do those or are you all talk?

 

BY Mrs. John Adams

1 please read how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald

 

2 please get your self into therapy and please find a therapist who is an infidelity expert...not the quack you are seeing now

 

3 Please make yourself accountable to SOMEONE...like a minister...or your mom or your sister

 

4 Please eventually tell your husband what you have done

 

 

 

 

 

By Life Lessons

My apologies. I'm not deliberately avoiding answering your questions. Some I just can't answer, so I willingly skip those because I don't have the answer(s). I thought I had answered those questions posed above...I am in therapy. I am going to go to a couple more sessions and if I feel I need to find another, I definitely will. I have read a lot about infidelity, affairs and read some of the recommendation that Mrs. Adams has suggested. I'm not seeing your bolded questions but hopefully I've addressed those!?? If not, please let me know and I will try my best to answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You did not answer the 4 questions by Mrs John Adams reprinted above. Please anser each one 1 thru 4. I am not trying to rag on you as I think that the suggestions by Mrs. Adams could help you; do you agree?

[road]

Oh geez,,,,,I'm obviously not ignorant!! As I said a few posts back----I did NOT give him oral!! I'm well aware of how stds are spread.

 

I hardly think a few month A and sex a few times has exposed my H to years of neglect! No, all my sexual energy didn't go to the OM.....I realize a few times is too many times but as I've said before.....never mind.....it's worthless trying to make some people understand.

 

 

You know some people can say the same about it being worthless

trying to make people understand for the truth to be told

though I do not.

 

 

It can be a difficult battle to get a WS to confess. Though the need

for the truth to come out is a need that must be

eventually met.

 

 

For many years and many threads and posts has shown me the

importance for the need for the truth to be told and the damage

done when the truth stays hidden.

[road]

Yes, this. wife still denies any A.

 

OM sent me a picture of them on the bed I built.

 

Really classy guy.

 

He has bragged and bragged about it.

 

Just kills the love right out of you.

 

The OM really enjoys showing how much better than me that he is.

But is someone that cheats really better? what about a man that provides for his family and is still providing after 40 years. I know I have my faults.

I work too hard.

 

But the coward will not show his face. All of the pictures his face does not show.

 

40 years down the drain. Too tired to start over. Worked too hard for so long to start over. Have over a million in retirement funds.

 

But any love is dead. She killed it. Just stay for grandkids and retirement where I will not work hard any longer and do what I want.

 

Told her I was leaving. She said she will follow me where ever I go.

 

 

 

Harry do you have a link for your story?

[usa1ah]

Well done for stopping the affair. Your husband is unlikely to find out. In the future if you want to tell him then make sure you are prepared.

 

Why are you patting her on the back for stopping something she should have never done like she's a 2 year old.

 

It's ok honey as long as you don't do it again. WTF

[usa1ah]

Oh geez,,,,,I'm obviously not ignorant!! As I said a few posts back----I did NOT give him oral!! I'm well aware of how stds are spread.

 

I hardly think a few month A and sex a few times has exposed my H to years of neglect! No, all my sexual energy didn't go to the OM.....I realize a few times is too many times but as I've said before.....never mind.....it's worthless trying to make some people understand.

 

Maybe I have miss read something's but did you not say this has gone on for 10 years?

 

I missed the one about no oral. Just kinda hard to believe with you saying you were passive with him. But I will try. A STD test would still be a good thing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I misunderstood too

She has been married 10 years

 

Ll I still am trying to figure out what it is you are looking for here?

 

You know what you want... you know what you don't want to do

 

Then what do you hope to find out here?

[usa1ah]

In all honesty, you may be correct...but I've not had that diagnosis. In reality, I don't attach to much. I also don't trust and rely on people. Just seems like I'd be disappointed in life, if I did. Of course I hurt but maybe not as much as you all want to see and want me to express! I'm one of the ones that says if it happens...it happens. And also one to say that everything happens for a reason. I know I'm not going to always find the reason but hell, I still live by that. Not necessarily where the A comes in....I'm only speaking of life in general. That's also not saying I make stupid decisions like this often but yes, I make mistakes. This is the worst mistake/decision I've ever made in my life.

 

Some of you guys are truly harsh individuals saying how I should just disappear, etc. Jesus....I guess most of you are P. E. R. F. E. C. T.

 

Don't really want you to disappear. But sometimes, even myself, we need a two by four upside the head to wake up.

 

I don't know you or your husband, but I have been reading your post. I see no remorse from you form what you have posted. This is really the second time I have read about something like this. The other WW put her husband through hell and ended up with the OM. But she wouldn't marry the OM because she would lose the alimony.

[QuietDan]

Yes, this. wife still denies any A.

 

OM sent me a picture of them on the bed I built.

 

Really classy guy.

 

He has bragged and bragged about it.

 

Just kills the love right out of you.

 

The OM really enjoys showing how much better than me that he is.

But is someone that cheats really better? what about a man that provides for his family and is still providing after 40 years. I know I have my faults.

I work too hard.

 

But the coward will not show his face. All of the pictures his face does not show.

 

40 years down the drain. Too tired to start over. Worked too hard for so long to start over. Have over a million in retirement funds.

 

But any love is dead. She killed it. Just stay for grandkids and retirement where I will not work hard any longer and do what I want.

 

Told her I was leaving. She said she will follow me where ever I go.

 

Did you ask her if that was a threat?

I hate that line.

It must come out of the handbook.

Did you show her the pictures?

I suppose she said that wasn't her.

[GoldenR]

, I try not to think too much about what I did. I take a few times per day to read and learn, so that I get a better understanding of all of this but other than those 2-3 times a day...it's out of my mind.

 

And this is why I think you'll do it again. This most horrible betrayal that you've inflicted on your unknowing H who you supposedly love more than anything, it bothers you so little that you hardly even think about it.

 

I feel sorry for your H. He thinks he's happy. He thinks he has a loving wife. He's living a lie

[smi11ie]

You are leaving infidelity which is the main thing. You have time on your hands to plan ahead. You can address any distance you feel with your husband.

Edited March 26, 2017 by smi11ie

[usa1ah]

I didn't realize NC would be this hard. I'm just trying to tell myself, because I do realize, it's not worth it. But yes, it's very hard! I know I can do it! I have to stay strong! No other option!

 

It's hard because you are doing it alone.

[Life lessons]

LL,

 

You are taking a beating here which may serve which may help you if your husband discovers the adultery. However, the WayWard forum may be of better use to you understand yourself. Consider moving your thread (ask a mod by hitting the "alert button " at the bottom of every post or start a new thread on the WayWard forum.

 

Have you read any threads on that forum? Several posters come to mind: SouthernSunShine, HeCantBreakMe, GreyCloud, and midnight blue.

 

I agree....from the beginning but it's all deserved and it's definitely opened my eyes to others views.

 

I posted in infidelity because that's what it is.....I'm not certain the wayward thread/column is that you're referring too? is it the other man/other woman? I just assumed mine fit better here considering I'm the cheater and not the OM/OW.

 

I have read some threads by hecantbreakme....I am uncertain of how to search these individual names...certainly can't be too difficult so I'll try to look these users posts up.

 

Thanks for the suggestion. :-)

[Life lessons]

LL has made numerous statements about a variety of things throughout her thread regarding her emotional response to a variety of things, or lack of emotional response.

Just because a person isn't able to distinguish red, doesn't mean they only see the world in black and white.

However, getting angry and frustrated at such a person for not being able to see red or readily distinguish various shades of orange compared to other people seems equally pointless and cruel.

 

If a particular perspective is taken off of the table as not being allowed to be considered a potential factor in the situation, finding an effective solution to prevent future occurrences may not be found at this time. Or, only lead to additional problems and frustrations.

 

The picture painted by words is often limited to the range of vocabulary that is available to portray it.

 

I think that perhaps, it might be worth the time for LL to evaluate exactly what she is feeling, when she is feeling it, and why she is feeling it.

She may be motivated to pursue some things for different reasons than initially considered. Accurately identify motivational issues should be helpful in figuring out ways to prevent future occurrences.

She may need to find a different set of coping, adapting, and motivational tools than have been presented and argued over at great length on this thread so far.

I understand I was being a bit blunt earlier.

However, I think it might be useful to evaluate if this might be a contributing factor in some of her actions, reactions, motivation, behavior, and decisions.

 

Harry, I hate to hear of all that you've went through. I'm sorry! I hope things have gotten better for you.

 

Quiet Dan, thanks for the advise. I think you may be correct! I am searching for those tools now. I understand that I may very well have to look at other options, than those that have been presented here. Like I've stated, I do feel remorse but it doesn't seem to be as much remorse as I should be feeling....especially when comparing to others in similar situations. Most of my life people have told me that I'm an impassive, restrained, type of person. Even pretty monotone in speech. I've never been one to show emotions well. Things don't seem to affect me like they do others. Maybe I need to go see a psychiatrist and figure out what's going on with me.

 

No, I'm not trying to take away from what I've done...I'm only saying that I may very well have sociopath tendencies and that's actually scary to me because I've researched that in the past and a lot of the descriptions and info there is pretty accurate when accessing my personality and such. Again, I know that doesn't excuse what I've done but I do think it would help give me a better understanding on some things and also help me down this long winding path I've forced myself to go down. I may very well have to take a different approach!

 

Thanks again!

[Life lessons]

I misunderstood too

She has been married 10 years

 

Ll I still am trying to figure out what it is you are looking for here?

 

You know what you want... you know what you don't want to do

 

Then what do you hope to find out here?

 

That's correct. I've been married a little over 10 years and the affair was a few months.

 

Like I stated recently, the main reason I came here was to get the A off of my chest. To let someone know what was going on, considering I can't / choose not to confide in my family. In all honesty, I didn't even come here to end the A.....but that happened soon after considering the responses and advice I received. It made me look at the A in a completely different light. I honestly didn't realize just how selfish I was being, when in the A.

 

You asked what I'm hoping to find since I choose not to confess at this moment and I honestly don't know anymore. I guess I've pretty much said everything I can say here. Maybe it's time to move on and if I confess or have another issue, I can open a new thread. I've mainly just been here answering questions and reading info. provided to help me.

 

With that said, I have received and do appreciate all the information and resources that have been recommended. All of you have and continue to be helpful. Most do bash and beat me up pretty bad, but it's okay....this is something I brought on myself...

[deadsoul]

I'm proud of you for ending it LL. I know it was hard. I did send you a PM. Are you able to get those yet? Please stick around and keep us updated...

 

That's correct. I've been married a little over 10 years and the affair was a few months.

 

Like I stated recently, the main reason I came here was to get the A off of my chest. To let someone know what was going on, considering I can't / choose not to confide in my family. In all honesty, I didn't even come here to end the A.....but that happened soon after considering the responses and advice I received. It made me look at the A in a completely different light. I honestly didn't realize just how selfish I was being, when in the A.

 

You asked what I'm hoping to find since I choose not to confess at this moment and I honestly don't know anymore. I guess I've pretty much said everything I can say here. Maybe it's time to move on and if I confess or have another issue, I can open a new thread. I've mainly just been here answering questions and reading info. provided to help me.

 

With that said, I have received and do appreciate all the information and resources that have been recommended. All of you have and continue to be helpful. Most do bash and beat me up pretty bad, but it's okay....this is something I brought on myself...

[BluesPower]

Yes really, stick around...

 

Let us know how you are doing.

 

I know a lot of people bash for not confessing to your husband. It is your decision though.

 

I am glad that you are out of the affair too... affairs suck the life out of you after a time.

 

I don't judge you though, you have to do what is right for you. It was the right thing to do by ending the affair.

 

You hang in there and keep us posted...

[MikeM 1028]

I for one don't want you to bail. I think being here in and of itself is a step towards accountability. You have experience and insights that might help someone else someday.

[Life lessons]

Yes really, stick around...

 

Let us know how you are doing.

 

I know a lot of people bash for not confessing to your husband. It is your decision though.

 

I am glad that you are out of the affair too... affairs suck the life out of you after a time.

 

I don't judge you though, you have to do what is right for you. It was the right thing to do by ending the affair.

 

You hang in there and keep us posted...

 

 

 

Thanks blues. I'll stick around the forums....maybe I can be some sort of assistance somewhere. Lol

 

I do appreciate your words and thanks for not casting judgement.

 

I'll keep everyone informed with updates....

[Life lessons]

I for one don't want you to bail. I think being here in and of itself is a step towards accountability. You have experience and insights that might help someone else someday.

 

Thank you for your words Mike. I can say I do feel a little better just getting a lot of this out of me...even if it's to total strangers.

[MikeM 1028]

Yep. Same here. We all need to vent a little and not keep this inside. Just admitting where I'm at trying to help someone understand from a BS's POV helps me. So, tell us all that you need and no doubt there are many here that'll help.

[MJJean]

I have some sociopathic tendencies, too, according to my own research. I have wondered for years if my lack of remorse is because of that or because my exH was a lying, cheating, abusive, chronically irresponsible, jackass that lied like a rug and stole repeatedly from his own mother.

 

I came to the conclusion that, in the case of my first marriage, it didn't matter. What did/does matter is that I make a conscious effort to understand that some people feel very deeply about things that don't necessarily bother me as much and to try to keep that in mind when I interact with them and when I make decisions that could affect those that are close to me.

[Jersey born raised]

Your right it is the The Other Man / Woman - LoveShack.org Community Forums forum. There are many threads that deal with what you are going though from your point of view. I am sorry to say your AP is the OM which makes you the OW.

 

Don't let labels such as cluster B, or BPD own you, they are only guidelines to measure extent.

[Life lessons]

I have some sociopathic tendencies, too, according to my own research. I have wondered for years if my lack of remorse is because of that or because my exH was a lying, cheating, abusive, chronically irresponsible, jackass that lied like a rug and stole repeatedly from his own mother.

 

I came to the conclusion that, in the case of my first marriage, it didn't matter. What did/does matter is that I make a conscious effort to understand that some people feel very deeply about things that don't necessarily bother me as much and to try to keep that in mind when I interact with them and when I make decisions that could affect those that are close to me.

 

I'm with you on that, MJ. I don't have anyone in my life that I could say all those negative things about. I've had a pretty good life, for the most part. Of course I've had issues that seemed so much larger than they really were, when I look back....but I got through those. Now that I say that, I probably have went through a lot more than most, the past I'd say 5 years or so....well maybe the first 2-3 years of those 5...... I had a lot of family issues that had to be resolved with different members of the family and they were tough at the time, but that was a few years back, so I can't even attribute those as a possibility.

 

I'm like you and just don't feel a lot of remorse in life.....it seems a lot less than others, that's for certain. I know that's sounds horrible, but it's the truth. I agree, I'm going to definitely have to change my mindset on particular things....but the A should've never been one of those things. I knew better, yet went into it anyways.