MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[QuietDan]

Do you love, desire, and respect your husband?

[Zenstudent]

Gus, should we be cajoling the OP, she knows what she has done, she knows how serious, she is trying NC, should we bang on her to tell her husband?

 

know it is the right thing to do, overall, but if she knows he will divorce her, isn't it her choice to tell or not?

 

I mean, she knows him more that us, and if he is a not cheating type of guy, would she be better off if she kept quiet?

 

I am not saying it is right, but maybe it is ok? I am asking?

 

If she stops the affair and she knows it was so wrong, why push it?

 

She knew it was wrong when she entered the affair, but went ahead anyway. She knows now that it's wrong, nothing has changed, besides the fact that she now also knows that she can actually pull it off.

 

I would say the likelihood of repetition has gone up.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I've been to one IC session and go back next week. I have decided as of now not to tell my H. I am dealing with this and don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I know most of you think I need to be honest with my BH but I can't do that.

 

I'm glad you are going to IC.

 

I hope that you tell your husband at some point. By cheating on him you show that you have no respect for him. By keeping him in the dark you are continuing to show that still don't respect him (or your marriage).

 

And let's be honest, you're not protecting his feelings, you're protecting your own.

[Friskyone4u]

Life,

 

OK, so you are now NC, but the problem is two fold

(1) your OM is going to continue to reach out. Why??/ Because he wants more sex. And apparently you are going to be in proximity to him for work.

(2) you are sitting on a time bomb and are going to be posting on forums for a long time. because you are still leading a double life.

 

Your statements about not wanting to hurt your husband are typical. That may be partially true but right mow you are still missing the excitement and you know if you confess that it will really be over or your marriage will be over. it will be much more difficult to hold on to the knowledge that if you want to you can see OM again. As other have said, no consequences.

 

I am guessing you have done some reading. If you have you should know that when WW resists NC, total transparency, etc, she is much more likely to restart or continue the affair. you are doing more than that. You are keeping your options open with i think a single man who has nothing to lose so can keep pursuing.

 

The fact is MOST men claim they will divorce immediately over infidelity but the overwhelming percentage do not. The chances are your husband will not leave you IF you come clean. No one thinks they will get caught. But it happens most of the time, especially if you are going to see this guy at meetings every few months.

 

And as someone told you, cheating gets easier the more times you do it and get away with it. The literature will also tell you you are more likely to do it again with another OM.

 

It's obvious you are going to play Russian roulette here, but at least admit why you won't tell and be truthful with yourself. Not hurting your husband is not the main reason. but him knowing and watching you like a hawk, which will most likely happen, ends your fantasy once and for all. if you really want peace with yourself, stop living the lie. In the long run, it will tax you.

[Life lessons]

He has already bragged at his office that he has had sex with you. And to his buddies. And to at least one of the people that you work with. Someone has noticed the long conversations.

 

You said he has nothing to lose. He is single. He likes having several ladies at his beck and call. Glad that you used protection.

 

It is hard to go NC. You need something to help you go NC. A friend, your IC, someone to help you avoid further temptation. i know you do not want to use your H to help you. It is hard because it is a like a drug.

 

If you want to be successful, you will need some help.

 

I hope you get it. It may already be too late.

 

You H has noticed the wall that is built up between you. And he may have put something on your phone to monitor the communication.

 

I do hope you are successful in stopping the A. You would not want your H to have one like you did.

 

I do wish your family good times.

 

you built a wall to keep your secrets, and you can't share things with your H.

 

You have to have the wall of safety so you build a distance between you and your H. He has noticed the distance and the change in you.

 

Good luck to your child, you and your H. I do hope you can keep the OM completely out of your life. Do not keep the gifts he has given you or the clothes that you wore special for him.

 

Thanks for your words. I'm confident that my H suspects nothing because I've changed nothing in regards to my home life. I never took time from him or my children. Even when texting, in the afternoons, it was when my family was occupied...just like before the A. I've never been distant to my H or my family. I do realize this is a huge secret I am keeping and I may eventually tell my H but I don't think that's going to happen. Thank you again for your well wishes.

[Life lessons]

Honestly, if you don't quit your job, I really think the affair will continue. It is so hard to stop an affair when you work together.

 

You realize that he just wants to get laid. You are at least one or two or three women that he is sleeping with?

 

Think about finding a new job, then you will be completely away from him.

 

I understand that but we do not work together. He is a client and there's a good chance I will not see him any longer. I have switched offices, so even if he comes back, I would not be in the same location, as before, so it's almost impossible for him to see me unless he asks where I went and even then, the front doesn't give this info out. I will make certain they do not! If it becomes an issue then I'll look for another job but I'm confident I will not see him again.

[Life lessons]

I'm so glad you are still NC... I do think you may need to consider another job and block him from your email and if there's a way to block him from your office line, do that too.

 

The only way to truly break free is to have 100% no contact. I didn't at the time, but I consider myself lucky I never heard from OM again.

 

I respect your decision on the not confessing... keep up with the counseling. I'm doing all that too. Again, keep your focus on total NC and I'm glad you recognize you can get pulled into it again. I kinda thought since we hadn't heard from you that maybe you had, so I'm glad you haven't.

 

Thanks dead soul. I blocked him this morning on email. I don't know why I didn't think about that before you mentioned it. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do about my office line, that is why I screen all calls.

[Life lessons]

I'm not sure why I'm posting here again, being that you never once acknowledged me, more than likely bc I wasn't one of the ones coddling you, labeling you as a victim and a target of OM.

 

I just read the entire thread again, and even if you stay NC, I see you straying again eventually. Why? Because there have been zero consequences for you; you got away with it. You got to experience the excitement of an A and it consumed you, and you loved it. Until you didn't. So you end it. And it's all good, right? No one is hurt,right? And then a few years down the road, another guy comes along and you tell yourself, "It all worked out before. I can control it.". Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

And now it's over, and you're back to plan B, your H. And yes, he is exactly that, your Plan B. All of those months, you chose your AP over your H. You did. I know waywards love to say they never chose their AP over their spouses, but they all do it. There is no choosing AP alongside your H. They're just isn't. Would your H be ok with being one of two (or more) men that you're having sex with? No, he wouldn't. So you see, you choosing to have the affair IS choosing the AP over your H. You sure as heck didn't choose your H over your AP, bc then it wouldn't have happened and you wouldn't be here.

 

You say you'd divorce your H if he cheated on you. But you don't want to give him the choice to decide if he still wants to be with you after you betrayed him in the worst way? Because, you know, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? Smh....there are no words.

 

I'll leave you with this....he will find out. Eventually. They always do. And the more time that passes, the bigger the disconnect will be between you. You're only chance of staying together forever is to tell him. Additionally, if he's the good man you say he is, he deserves to know.

 

 

I apologize if I didn't acknowledge your previous posts. I will disagree with you! I have learned a lot from my A and I am certain I will NEVER put myself in that position again. Regardless of whether I had repercussions or not, I learned a lot and wouldn't do it again.

 

Yes, I'm not going to lie, I did like the excitement. I liked the way it made me feel.

 

I never chose my AP over my H. That is the truth. Although I know it seems I did for a few months and I can see why one would say I chose the AP over my H, but I certainly did not.

 

Yes, I probably would divorce him but I don't know for a fact unless I were put in that situation and I do hope I never am.

[Life lessons]

Do you love, desire, and respect your husband?

 

I do love him and could never see myself growing old with anyone else. I do respect him but I can't tell him about the A.

[GoldenR]

I never chose my AP over my H. That is the truth. Although I know it seems I did for a few months and I can see why one would say I chose the AP over my H, but I certainly did not.

 

Like I said, that's what they all say. :-)

 

I wish you luck.

[kgcolonel]

I apologize if I didn't acknowledge your previous posts. I will disagree with you! I have learned a lot from my A and I am certain I will NEVER put myself in that position again. Regardless of whether I had repercussions or not, I learned a lot and wouldn't do it again.

 

Yes, I'm not going to lie, I did like the excitement. I liked the way it made me feel.

 

I never chose my AP over my H. That is the truth. Although I know it seems I did for a few months and I can see why one would say I chose the AP over my H, but I certainly did not.

 

Yes, I probably would divorce him but I don't know for a fact unless I were put in that situation and I do hope I never am.

 

LL, actually you, in choosing to betray your H and your vows, you did chose the A and the AP over both your own integrity and your H. I say this not to beat you up but to get you to see the level of betrayal you H will feel. I am not going to get into whether or not to tell him as you're right, it will likely not work out the way you want.....if you chose not to tell him, make sure you can take this to your grave! Ten years from now, things are going great, kids and the whole nine yards and something surfaces to expose the A....it will be much worse then than it will be now....think very carefully about this and put your BH at the top of your priorities in that does he deserve to know the W he loves and trusts has screwed up royally? I can't even say that I'd want to know if i were in his shoes but I do know that it is worth some IC to determine what needs to happen.

[Life lessons]

LL, actually you, in choosing to betray your H and your vows, you did chose the A and the AP over both your own integrity and your H. I say this not to beat you up but to get you to see the level of betrayal you H will feel. I am not going to get into whether or not to tell him as you're right, it will likely not work out the way you want.....if you chose not to tell him, make sure you can take this to your grave! Ten years from now, things are going great, kids and the whole nine yards and something surfaces to expose the A....it will be much worse then than it will be now....think very carefully about this and put your BH at the top of your priorities in that does he deserve to know the W he loves and trusts has screwed up royally? I can't even say that I'd want to know if i were in his shoes but I do know that it is worth some IC to determine what needs to happen.

 

I understand what you guys are saying but I guess I'm saying differently because if I chose the AP then I would've left my H for the AP and I never had any intentions of that.

 

I am confident that my H will never find out. There's no evidence other than someone's word. And who's to say my H wouldn't believe me over a stranger? There is nothing that I'm aware of that the AP could use to make my H believe that I had an A with him.

 

I know I've screwed up royally. Trust me, I know! I wish I could take everything back and end the EA/PA both when the EA started. I thought I was strong enough to not let things progress but I obviously wanted it at that point or I wouldn't have been so stupid to of gave in. I know I was wrong. I could've walked away when he wanted to talk for extended periods but yet I stayed and talked.

[Cephalopod]

 

Yes, I probably would divorce him but I don't know for a fact unless I were put in that situation and I do hope I never am.

 

So you are working on things with IC. That's good. But how do you deal with hypocrisy? Can you accept being a hypocrite, on top of being an adulterer?

 

See the problem is, right now you are still in the fog. But once the OM is completely gone, and you start to come out of your self-imposed A-stupor, the guilt will kick in. When the guilt kicks in, you will have to vent it somewhere, and unfortunately your husband will be the recipient of your self-loathing. He won't know what it is he did wrong. You can't tell him, but you'll pour your anger out on him, and then you will start to resent him for what YOU did, and that will lead to more disconnect.

 

I've seen this cycle before.

[DKT3]

I apologize if I didn't acknowledge your previous posts. I will disagree with you! I have learned a lot from my A and I am certain I will NEVER put myself in that position again. Regardless of whether I had repercussions or not, I learned a lot and wouldn't do it again.

 

Yes, I'm not going to lie, I did like the excitement. I liked the way it made me feel.

 

I never chose my AP over my H. That is the truth. Although I know it seems I did for a few months and I can see why one would say I chose the AP over my H, but I certainly did not.

 

Yes, I probably would divorce him but I don't know for a fact unless I were put in that situation and I do hope I never am.

Do you not see the irony in this? Had you not chosen AP over husband then your affair would have never happened....Thing about married people in affairs is it takes a great deal of delusion to conduct. I don't mean this personally, because I don't know you but your writing comes off as extremely delusional and full of excuses. This is why other see if our as continuing the affair down the road and/or saying you've learned nothing....It's because you've not been honest with yourself

[Buckeye2]

I understand what you guys are saying but I guess I'm saying differently because if I chose the AP then I would've left my H for the AP and I never had any intentions of that.

 

I’ve seen this attitude many times in good marriages where the wife has an affair. Women and men value marriage for the same reasons but have different priorities . Women tend to valve the relationship more while men tend to put a greater value on sexual faithfulness. This is very primitive and based on biology. Women know that the child they give birth to is theirs. Men have to trust their mate.

 

The basic deal was that the male promised to provide for the children his mate gave birth to and his mate promised that they would be his. Of course having her children provided for (relationship) was paramount for the woman.

 

My point is that from the woman’s perspective she was faithful to her husband in what matters most (i.e. the relationship, she never intended to leave him and the stability he provided). The man typically has a different point of view. His wife gave away what is most special to him for free.

 

A WH telling his BW that is was only sex is a usually positive thing. The relationship was always secure.

 

A WW telling her BH the same thing can be a negative. The guy meant nothing. She gave it away for free and wants her BH to continue providing stability as if nothing happened.

 

I do love him (husband) and could never see myself growing old with anyone else.

 

Exactly, the husband is great relationship material.

 

This is how some men think: The husband has to be all in to get sex. The OM must be superior to the husband in the wife's eyes because he never had to provide stability or anything else to have sex with her. Men tend to envy a guy women want to have no strings attached sex with. Women don’t tend to envy a gal men want to have no strings attached sex with.

Edited March 17, 2017 by Buckeye2

[Zenstudent]

I am confident that my H will never find out. There's no evidence other than someone's word. And who's to say my H wouldn't believe me over a stranger? There is nothing that I'm aware of that the AP could use to make my H believe that I had an A with him.

 

So if someone tells your husband, you would continue the lie?

 

I do love him and could never see myself growing old with anyone else. I do respect him but I can't tell him about the A.

 

How does this compute?? How do you see lies, betrayal and respect being connected? I would say they are mutually exclusive, can you explain this?

[road]

Thanks for your words. I'm confident that my H suspects nothing because I've changed nothing in regards to my home life. I never took time from him or my children. Even when texting, in the afternoons, it was when my family was occupied...just like before the A. I've never been distant to my H or my family. I do realize this is a huge secret I am keeping and I may eventually tell my H but I don't think that's going to happen. Thank you again for your well wishes.

 

What about leaving that job to have NC so there is no chance

of the affair ever restarting?

[QuietDan]

Well, this is just depressing to read.

Don't envy your husband at all.

[Try]

I never chose my AP over my H. That is the truth. Although I know it seems I did for a few months and I can see why one would say I chose the AP over my H, but I certainly did not.

 

Yes, I probably would divorce him.

When you acknowledge that you "probably would divorce him" if you caught your husband cheated on you, you are also acknowledging the risk of your husband divorcing you should he catch you cheating on him. Since no matter how careful you are, you know that there is always some risk of being caught and your husband divorcing you, your decision to have the affair anyway, is you showing that you were willing to take the risk of losing your husband if it means you can have the opportunity to be with your affair partner. It may not be straight up even odds, but in risking your marriage you did pick being with your affair partner over more certainly being with your husband long term.

 

BTW, although my father was just as certain as you are now that his affair partner ("AP") would never betray him by telling my mom about the affair, when push came to shove, when he tried to end the affair, my dad's AP spilled her guts to my mom in a deliberate effort to push my mom to divorce my dad so that my dad would come back to the AP.

[SoulStorm]

I understand what you guys are saying but I guess I'm saying differently because if I chose the AP then I would've left my H for the AP and I never had any intentions of that.

 

I am confident that my H will never find out. There's no evidence other than someone's word. And who's to say my H wouldn't believe me over a stranger? There is nothing that I'm aware of that the AP could use to make my H believe that I had an A with him.

 

I know I've screwed up royally. Trust me, I know! I wish I could take everything back and end the EA/PA both when the EA started. I thought I was strong enough to not let things progress but I obviously wanted it at that point or I wouldn't have been so stupid to of gave in. I know I was wrong. I could've walked away when he wanted to talk for extended periods but yet I stayed and talked.

 

There is evidence. Did you not email this AP? Did you text him? That's evidence.

 

You got to stop lying to yourself..liars never prosper for long

[aliveagain]

The amount of respect you have for your spouse dictates the manner in which you treat them, would you agree with that statement? They say that the only way to monitor the health of your relationship is through effective communication, what does lying to your husband for the rest of your life say about who you are and the health of your marriage? Is there any occasion that you believe warrants someone being vilified for wanting to avoid the drama of a confession?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

I am not going to suggest either telling or hiding your adultery. I will say be prepare which ever you chose.

 

I suggested early on that you contact HIS company. I was working for a Japanise company in the late 80's. The guy was Japanise, he came into work, told to go home and pack. He had been booked on a plane back to Japan the next morning. He was not fired which he would have been if he was an American. Although it is possible he might have been offered a transfer to Europe.

 

My brothers company hired a CEO from Europe. He was introduced at a holiday party during which he suggested a threesome with two female employes. He was fired the next day. His family and household goods where still in transit.

 

The first rule we tell BS is to get out of infidelity! The OP must be completely out of the picture with all means of contact blocked. You will go back to the adultery if not. Read HeCantBreakMe thread.

 

Second the adultery has affect your spouse and family. Your behavior at home has changed. Your BH is wondering what is going on. He is, bank on it. Read "how to heal your spouse". There is a free PDF out there. Read some of Dr Harley's books.

 

You claim to value your husband and marriage, they are both dying a slow death. You need to reverse it.

[Jersey born raised]

I would add there are more then a few threads where the BS found out decades later. The WS feels like they made good on their mistake. The BS is freaked, wondering if they lived a lie for twenty years. The fact is the day your spouse finds out, emotionally the adultery took place only yesterday. Bank on that too. So be prepared.

[QuietDan]

I do love him and could never see myself growing old with anyone else. I do respect him but I can't tell him about the A.

 

What? No desire? Did you lose it before the affair? Or, was your loss of desire for your husband and unexpected price that you are paying as an unexpected cost of the affair? One of those nasty little unexpected consequences?

[Darren Steez]

I do love him and could never see myself growing old with anyone else. I do respect him but I can't tell him about the A.

 

Simply not true.

 

There can be no respect without honesty.

 

No love without integrity or compassion.

 

It is not enough to say them and wish it true.

 

10 years is not an omission, nor is it treating someone you love like that.

 

and by integrity that is within yourself as well, of you think not telling him is living with integrity ultimately that is something you will have to live with but also be ok with having people lie and being disrespectful to you as well.