MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[QuietDan]

All I can say is wow! You obviously do not know me! I can say that you did get at least one observation correct and that was the excitement of it all.

 

All the other observations in regards to sex with my H are way off. My husband and I have and always have had a great sex life. We're both active in that department. Yes, it gets boring at times but when this happens, we try new things. I definitely didn't get into the A because of my husbands and my sex life. Hell, I didn't intend to get into the A at all. And no, I don't feel guilt when I'm intimate with my husband. Maybe I should but I don't. In all honesty I try to not think about my AP any longer. The OM and I didn't have wild sex either. The few times we had sex, It was just regular sex.....nothing special! Yes, there was excitement and a thrill... but there was never anything special about it. We definitely did nothing that I wouldn't and haven't done with my H. I can also say that he was not better than my H. It was just the excitement that I received from it. I know that doesn't make anything better but I wanted to put that out there.

 

LOL... very good then... I am sorry... I ... sometimes forget who you are... (all I can do is chuckle at my foolishness)

[road]

You could be right....you could be wrong

 

You are trying to second guess and predict...and honestly...both could go either way

 

My om never tired to contact me again....i have not spoken to him him...seen him....looked him up...or cared...for 33 years

 

it happens....some waywards get it....and totally and completely sever all ties

 

and none of us can predict which waywards will follow through

 

the important thing to remember is...all waywards are not YOUR wayward

 

and if you do not have a wayward...then you are projecting what you have read

 

if LL....is indeed trying to reconcile...none of us knows her true feelings....only she does

 

and if she is lying...we have nothing to lose

 

Because you had an OM that had due to his job a never ending supply

of fresh, new potential affair partners.

 

 

Many OM just want the ego boost to say they hit it. You know

another notch on their bed post.

 

 

You called your affair a ONS. Which discounts the 3 month EA you

had with him before you had sex with him and the fact that you

had a date to hook up a 2nd time with the OM but he cancelled

on you.

 

 

Which showed your OM never wanted to hit it more than once with

you. So the need to move was not needed in your case. That's the

problem you state fact from your affair experiences. I stated from

the whole range of experiences that I have seen and their out

comes.

 

 

The OP's affair was with an OM that was not looking to hit it and run

as your OM did. This affair was with a OM that still wants to keep

coming back to the well. This what most OM do.

 

 

This is why to recover moving is needed for it is invaluable in getting

past the triggers. Ensuring that NC is not broken so the affair does

not restart. We are talking about a highly addictive situation for this

WW.

 

 

Consequences. Everything has one. If the WS is going to claim

hardship as an excuse to justify not moving after an affair is a WS

that is not putting their marriage and family first. No job is more

important then that. New jobs can always be found. Another college

can be found. Another house in another town can be found.

Edited March 19, 2017 by road

[Mrs. John Adams]

Because you had an OM that had due to his job a never ending supply

of fresh, new potential affair partners.

 

 

Many OM just want the ego boost to say they hit it. You know

another notch on their bed post.

 

 

You called your affair a ONS. Which discounts the 3 month EA you

had with him before you had sex with him and the fact that you

had a date to hook up a 2nd time with the OM but he cancelled

on you.

 

 

Which showed your OM never wanted to hit it more than once with

you. So the need to move was not needed in your case. That's the

problem you state fact from your affair experiences. I stated from

the whole range of experiences that I have seen and their out

comes.

 

 

The OP's affair was with an OM that was not looking to hit it and run

as your OM did. This affair was with a OM that still wants to keep

coming back to the well. This what most OM do.

 

 

This is why to recover moving is needed for it is invaluable in getting

past the triggers. Ensuring that NC is not broken so the affair does

not restart. We are talking about a highly addictive situation for this

WW.

 

 

Consequences. Everything has one. If the WS is going to claim

hardship as an excuse to justify not moving after an affair is a WS

that is not putting their marriage and family first. No job is more

important then that. New jobs can always be found. Another college

can be found. Another house in another town can be found.

 

 

 

My affair really has nothing to do with this ...and 4 years later you are still arguing points with me about my affair...points that you have interpreted and concluded are true...points that you are completely wrong about....but oh well...you are entitled to your opinion

 

My point is ...everyone does not have the luxury of quitting a job or moving to a new location. Would it be best? yes....of course. Would it be ideal? Absolutely. Is it realistic? Not always. And if a wayward and their betrayed both agree on a particular course of action in how to handle their own situation....then it is not up to me or you to condemn them for that decision.

 

Often times on these forums...we start making decisions and judgement calls for complete strangers....we start adding in our own little details....

 

For example...you believe I had an EA for three months...I didn't....I did not even know him three months....so there you go

 

There are many folks on this forum who have been touched by infidelity...including yourself.

 

How many of them quit their jobs? How many of them moved? So you see....in theory your plan of attack is a a good one...but it is not reality.

and just because they don't quit their job or move....does not mean they are not sincere in their quest for reconciliation....and it is not fair of you to judge them and say they are not putting their marriage or their family first. Sometimes...it just is what it is....and they do the best they can in the circumstances in which they abide.

 

Sometimes...we cannot run away from reality

[Life lessons]

OM had a good thing going and whether you admit it or not he considers you his property. I suspect he'll find a way to get in touch or drop by and see you at work.

 

Don't belay the addictive power of an affair. If he finds a way to come in contact and he may you will be temped.

 

I hope you don't find out the hard way how easy it is to be drug back in.

 

Yep, he certainly did! I'm not understanding why you think he would think I'm "his" property. That is insane! im confident that doesn't apply in this case!

 

He may very well try, but there's no way he will see me. I've covered most if not all the scenarios you've put forth. The only way he'll see me is if I want it to happen and that my friend is not going to happen. I am completely done with him.

 

I understand the addictiveness of an A and that's why I've taken steps to insure that I will not be seeing him. I also know that right now is difficult because it's fresh but in a few months I'm certain that the "pull" of the addiction will cease or at the minimum be something I'll be able to fight better. If that makes sense.

[Cephalopod]

Make sure you get STD tests every six months for the next couple years. It takes some bugs a while to show up in your system. Make sure you get HPV tests once a year too.

[Marc878]

You could be right....you could be wrong

 

You are trying to second guess and predict...and honestly...both could go either way

 

My om never tired to contact me again....i have not spoken to him him...seen him....looked him up...or cared...for 33 years

 

it happens....some waywards get it....and totally and completely sever all ties

 

and none of us can predict which waywards will follow through

 

the important thing to remember is...all waywards are not YOUR wayward

 

and if you do not have a wayward...then you are projecting what you have read

 

if LL....is indeed trying to reconcile...none of us knows her true feelings....only she does

 

and if she is lying...we have nothing to lose

 

It's an opinion. Nothing more nothing less.

 

Your OM was only a one time thing. Totally different circumstance wasn't it?

 

However, he never approached you again but what if he had?

 

You are doing the same as everyone else based on YOUR experience and then projecting it.

 

It's like the pot calling the kettle black.

[Marc878]

Yep, he certainly did! I'm not understanding why you think he would think I'm "his" property. That is insane! im confident that doesn't apply in this case!

 

He may very well try, but there's no way he will see me. I've covered most if not all the scenarios you've put forth. The only way he'll see me is if I want it to happen and that my friend is not going to happen. I am completely done with him.

 

I understand the addictiveness of an A and that's why I've taken steps to insure that I will not be seeing him. I also know that right now is difficult because it's fresh but in a few months I'm certain that the "pull" of the addiction will cease or at the minimum be something I'll be able to fight better. If that makes sense.

 

You were his conquest. Essentially his girlfriend (for lack of a better term).

Men are possessive. I'd bet I'm not far off in HIS thinking. Why do you think he's calling/texting? He wants what he had back.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's an opinion. Nothing more nothing less.

 

Your OM was only a one time thing. Totally different circumstance wasn't it?

 

However, he never approached you again but what if he had?

 

You are doing the same as everyone else based on YOUR experience and then projecting it.

 

It's like the pot calling the kettle black.

 

Actually...what I am TRYING to do is give her the benefit of the doubt. Her situation is nothing like mine....so my experience won't apply.

 

Since my situation is different....I have to assume that she is making right decisions for her...instead of judging and condemning her.

 

The bottom line is....she is in control of her own destiny. We can offer our opinions and advice...we can tell her how we handled things...and then it is up to her to ignore or apply "our wisdom".

 

I made many mistakes in our reconciliation....I wish I had done things differently. My guess is....she will do the same.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20....when you are going through things...you don't have the advantage of seeing how things might turn out.

 

I could "what if" from now until eternity....but the sad truth is...I did the best i could with the knowledge i had at the time....and if i could have a do over....I would certainly change things....the first being....it never would have happened in the first place.

[Life lessons]

You were his conquest. Essentially his girlfriend (for lack of a better term).

Men are possessive. I'd bet I'm not far off in HIS thinking. Why do you think he's calling/texting? He wants what he had back.

 

I do see what you're saying here! Of course he wants me back, it was NSA sex!

 

Do you all think I should reach out to him one more time and tell him to stop calling my office line? Will that work? Or will that only make him continue more? The office line is the only means he has to contact me now and like I said, I screen all calls so that I don't chance speaking with him but do I need to send him a message or call him and let him know there's no chance at us ever getting back together and to stop calling? I do feel like that would stop him from calling but I want to continue the NC on my end. I'm confused about that since i do believe he would accept that and stop calling, if i let him know firsthand that things will never go back to the way they were.

[understand50]

I do see what you're saying here! Of course he wants me back, it was NSA sex!

 

Do you all think I should reach out to him one more time and tell him to stop calling my office line? Will that work? Or will that only make him continue more? The office line is the only means he has to contact me now and like I said, I screen all calls so that I don't chance speaking with him but do I need to send him a message or call him and let him know there's no chance at us ever getting back together and to stop calling? I do feel like that would stop him from calling but I want to continue the NC on my end. I'm confused about that since i do believe he would accept that and stop calling, if i let him know firsthand that things will never go back to the way they were.

 

Life lessons,

 

We here talk about a "NOC" letter, that is sent by the WS to the AP, with the knowledge of the BS. IT may be a good thing for you to send some type of message to your AP, stating that you want to see him, because you want to work on your marriage. As you are trying not to leave a trail, I would make it a voice mail, or if you must talk to him. But you should let him know it is over.

 

What we here may not consider, and you as well, is that he may have fallen for you and is willing to put in the time to win you. Does he know you are married? If so, what did you tell about your relationship? Does he think you are unhappy, and he may be your answer? My point is, he may deserve a "it's over message" and may then stop and keep your secrete. If he feels he is being dump, he could lash out, and you do not want your husband to find out from a angry lover. Just a thought.

 

How to contact him is the issue. I would use something that does not leave a trail if possible, but keep in mind that I am sure he could convince your husband that you have had sex with him if it came down to that. The whole, "its better to be honest thing" A wind up message or meeting if you must, should be short and to the point. "I love my husband, I can not continue doing this." I think if you do this it will go along way to ending your issues with NOC.

 

I wish you luck.....

Edited March 19, 2017 by understand50

[road]

I do see what you're saying here! Of course he wants me back, it was NSA sex!

 

Do you all think I should reach out to him one more time and tell him to stop calling my office line? Will that work? Or will that only make him continue more? The office line is the only means he has to contact me now and like I said, I screen all calls so that I don't chance speaking with him but do I need to send him a message or call him and let him know there's no chance at us ever getting back together and to stop calling? I do feel like that would stop him from calling but I want to continue the NC on my end. I'm confused about that since i do believe he would accept that and stop calling, if i let him know firsthand that things will never go back to the way they were.

 

This is you looking to justify breaking NC.

 

 

OM is still trying to break NC. For every time you see it is his caller ID

you are still having contact. One day he will use a different number

that you do not know. Then what when you hear the voice and

know it is the OM?

 

 

You insist n staying there and not change jobs then you need to

have HR tell OM that he is not longer to contact you.

[road]

Life lessons,

 

We here talk about a "NOC" letter, that is sent by the WS to the AP, with the knowledge of the BS. IT may be a good thing for you to send some type of message to your AP, stating that you want to see him, because you want to work on your marriage. As you are trying not to leave a trail, I would make it a voice mail, or if you must talk to him. But you should let him know it is over.

 

What we here may not consider, and you as well, is that he may have fallen for you and is willing to put in the time to win you. Does he know you are married? If so, what did you tell about your relationship? Does he think you are unhappy, and he may be your answer? My point is, he may deserve a "it's over message" and may then stop and keep your secrete. If he feels he is being dump, he could lash out, and you do not want your husband to find out from a angry lover. Just a thought.

 

How to contact him is the issue. I would use something that does not leave a trail if possible, but keep in mind that I am sure he could convince your husband that you have had sex with him if it came down to that. The whole, "its better to be honest thing" A wind up message or meeting if you must, should be short and to the point. "I love my husband, I can not continue doing this." I think if you do this it will go along way to ending your issues with NOC.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

There is no need to break NC. There is no need for closure. That is

just baloney code for let me have contact to feed my addiction.

[Life lessons]

Life lessons,

 

We here talk about a "NOC" letter, that is sent by the WS to the AP, with the knowledge of the BS. IT may be a good thing for you to send some type of message to your AP, stating that you want to see him, because you want to work on your marriage. As you are trying not to leave a trail, I would make it a voice mail, or if you must talk to him. But you should let him know it is over.

 

What we here may not consider, and you as well, is that he may have fallen for you and is willing to put in the time to win you. Does he know you are married? If so, what did you tell about your relationship? Does he think you are unhappy, and he may be your answer? My point is, he may deserve a "it's over message" and may then stop and keep your secrete. If he feels he is being dump, he could lash out, and you do not want your husband to find out from a angry lover. Just a thought.

 

How to contact him is the issue. I would use something that does not leave a trail if possible, but keep in mind that I am sure he could convince your husband that you have had sex with him if it came down to that. The whole, "its better to be honest thing" A wind up message or meeting if you must, should be short and to the point. "I love my husband, I can not continue doing this." I think if you do this it will go along way to ending your issues with NOC.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

A typed up letter may be best. I didn't think about that! He does know that I'm married. I've never spoken anything bad about my marriage or my H, to the OM. Although I'm sure he's drawn something up in his mind because I recall him telling me something along the lines that one of his close family members, that he's told about me, understands the situation I'm in. I never asked what he meant by that considering I've never spoken bad words about my H. But that tells me he's drawn something up in his mind. I just don't know what that is. he has known all along that I would never leave my H, I've made that clear.

 

 

As far as my office line, I don't answer any calls. I return calls on messages left and that doesn't include his calls. I'm certainly not trying to open contact with him because I have no desire to be with him again. I want him to understand there's nothing there for me any longer. I've made it clear by ignoring him but that's not stopping him from calling.

 

I'm definitely not going to meet him to have a talk. I know nothing good can come from that. I do feel that I'm strong enough to do that but I don't want to take a chance.

[Life lessons]

Also, I don't feel it necessary to bring HR into it at this point. If he comes back to the office building and insists on seeing me, then I will involve HR, but I don't think it will progress to that. I feel like me going to HR will only bring light to what's went on between me and OM. I feel like the more people involved the more chance of my H finding out and I can't deal with that.

[understand50]

The bottom line is....she is in control of her own destiny. We can offer our opinions and advice...we can tell her how we handled things...and then it is up to her to ignore or apply "our wisdom".

 

Abigail,

 

I would take a gentle exception to this part of your response. She is a main actor, but not in control. Too many things out of her control, but in a real sense you have a huge point. By taking positive action to change her behavior, and working to end this both emotionally and physical, is is moving in the right direction. The hell of all of this is that many things can trip her up, but for the here and now, she is doing the right things.

 

We as a group, need to keep in mind her situation, and her needs. She has asked for help in ending her affair. As many here have stated, LS can change them. Later she may find she needs to confess, or her husband will find out. Let's help then, if and when she needs to cross that bridge.

 

My two cents......

[Mrs. John Adams]

Abigail,

 

I would take a gentle exception to this part of your response. She is a main actor, but not in control. Too many things out of her control, but in a real sense you have a huge point. By taking positive action to change her behavior, and working to end this both emotionally and physical, is is moving in the right direction. The hell of all of this is that many things can trip her up, but for the here and now, she is doing the right things.

 

We as a group, need to keep in mind her situation, and her needs. She has asked for help in ending her affair. As many here have stated, LS can change them. Later she may find she needs to confess, or her husband will find out. Let's help then, if and when she needs to cross that bridge.

 

My two cents......

 

She is in control of herself.....she is not in control of others...none of us is....and even today...33 years after my affair...I could still make a bad decision... Which is why I am vigilante to keep proper boundaries and remain transparent.

 

I do not agree with the way LL is conducting her"reconciliation"....because simply put...you cannot "reconcile" alone...and if you don't disclose....your spouse certainly is not "reconciling".

 

I pray...she is successful in her marriage...even though I don't agree with her.

 

She is receiving very good and helpful advice from many folks here...yourself included.

 

Advice that she is not open to right now. She wants to handle this her way....and while i don't think its the best way...she does.

 

You always give solid advice...and you are always so respectful and compassionate. I learn much from you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

LL

 

The purpose of a no contact letter is really to help in the healing of the betrayed spouse. It assures them...that you are sincere in your attempt at reconciliation.

 

Since you have chosen to not reveal your double life to your husband....a no contact letter would serve no purpose.

 

I confessed my affair to my husband...i did not write a letter of no contact. We had no idea such a thing existed.....so while it may be the best way....it is not always the "only" way to success. I did see my AP one last time with my husbands knowledge but also with his protest... I told the AP that i had told my husband about my infidelity. I regret going to see him. I should not have done it...while it gave the affair closure...it also hurt my husband yet again.... One of a million mistakes i made on this path of reconciliation.

 

If you do not plan to tell your husband of your 10 year affair.....if you want to attempt to save your marriage by living with a secret....then i believe any contact at all with your affair partner could be dangerous.

 

If you contact him one time...you may justify contacting him yet again just to explain something one more time.....and you might find yourself right back to where you were.

 

I do not believe there is any need to contact him in any way...he needs no explanation....avoid him...as you are doing. Block him from any access of any kind....

 

It can be done....I did it. I made a lot of mistakes....and maybe the way i handled it was not the best way....but ultimately....my husband and I succeeded.

 

You control you.....set your boundaries and never let them waiver. Hold yourself accountable for everything you have done. Work on you.....work on becoming the wife your husband deserved.

 

Please know that any advice i offer to you...even if i disagree with you...i still feel great compassion for you. I understand to some degree where you are...I understand the struggle...the fear...the anger....the disappointment...the sadness...

 

I am really sorry you are here.

[deadsoul]

Honestly? I wouldn't write a NC letter unless he contacts you again. Even then, I think I would just call him and say what you need to say and then hang up before he can reply...

 

Though I don't know if I would've been strong enough to do that so early on. Now I think I'd be able to, but I honestly don't see him contacting me again. If he does, I will be eating all kinds of crow (who came up with that saying anyway???). But I am prepared to tell him to never contact me again and hang up if he does.

 

I really do keep thinking of the situation as an addiction. I have to. It's the only way I will always have my guard up. I have to be aware that I could easily slip back into it, if there is any sort of contact. My BH wants a promise that I will never do it again... and I told him the truth: I don't WANT to ever do it again and I'm taking steps to never do it again. But to promise I'll never do it again is like an alcoholic promising to never take another drink. I don't think they can do that (someone please tell me otherwise if I'm wrong). I feel like I have to take each day and tell myself that I will make good choices, otherwise I am setting myself up for failure and will get complacent. I guess the bottom line is my words are not enough. Saying it is not enough. My actions are what will be the ultimate proof.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Honestly? I wouldn't write a NC letter unless he contacts you again. Even then, I think I would just call him and say what you need to say and then hang up before he can reply...

 

Though I don't know if I would've been strong enough to do that so early on. Now I think I'd be able to, but I honestly don't see him contacting me again. If he does, I will be eating all kinds of crow (who came up with that saying anyway???). But I am prepared to tell him to never contact me again and hang up if he does.

 

I really do keep thinking of the situation as an addiction. I have to. It's the only way I will always have my guard up. I have to be aware that I could easily slip back into it, if there is any sort of contact. My BH wants a promise that I will never do it again... and I told him the truth: I don't WANT to ever do it again and I'm taking steps to never do it again. But to promise I'll never do it again is like an alcoholic promising to never take another drink. I don't think they can do that (someone please tell me otherwise if I'm wrong). I feel like I have to take each day and tell myself that I will make good choices, otherwise I am setting myself up for failure and will get complacent. I guess the bottom line is my words are not enough. Saying it is not enough. My actions are what will be the ultimate proof.

 

Deadsoul...I made this same statement here years ago....That I cannot swear i will never do it again. Why? Because i would have sworn I would never have done it in the first place. SO because i already failed...I certainly am capable of failing again. However....I will do absolutely everything I can to prevent it.

SO I understand what you are saying and why.

 

There are many people here who say they would never cheat....but the truth is...none of us really knows that for certain. We can all make sure that we hold ourselves accountable...that we remain transparent to our spouses....that we maintain strict boundaries...and that we always put our spouses needs before our own.

 

Actions are indeed ultimately the proof.

[Life lessons]

LL

 

The purpose of a no contact letter is really to help in the healing of the betrayed spouse. It assures them...that you are sincere in your attempt at reconciliation.

 

Since you have chosen to not reveal your double life to your husband....a no contact letter would serve no purpose.

 

I confessed my affair to my husband...i did not write a letter of no contact. We had no idea such a thing existed.....so while it may be the best way....it is not always the "only" way to success. I did see my AP one last time with my husbands knowledge but also with his protest... I told the AP that i had told my husband about my infidelity. I regret going to see him. I should not have done it...while it gave the affair closure...it also hurt my husband yet again.... One of a million mistakes i made on this path of reconciliation.

 

If you do not plan to tell your husband of your 10 year affair.....if you want to attempt to save your marriage by living with a secret....then i believe any contact at all with your affair partner could be dangerous.

 

If you contact him one time...you may justify contacting him yet again just to explain something one more time.....and you might find yourself right back to where you were.

 

I do not believe there is any need to contact him in any way...he needs no explanation....avoid him...as you are doing. Block him from any access of any kind....

 

It can be done....I did it. I made a lot of mistakes....and maybe the way i handled it was not the best way....but ultimately....my husband and I succeeded.

 

You control you.....set your boundaries and never let them waiver. Hold yourself accountable for everything you have done. Work on you.....work on becoming the wife your husband deserved.

 

Please know that any advice i offer to you...even if i disagree with you...i still feel great compassion for you. I understand to some degree where you are...I understand the struggle...the fear...the anger....the disappointment...the sadness...

 

I am really sorry you are here.

 

 

I understand better how about the letter. So that letter is mainly used when the WS has confessed and it is sent more as a couple, is what I'm gathering!? So I guess there's no point in that type of letter in my case but in the other hand I do feel like it may help him to realize I'm not giving in to him again.?

 

My A was not 10 years...thank goodness. It was a few months..the EA was for a few months and the PA after for a few months.

 

I do appreciate your words. It's always helpful to hear from individuals that have went through similar situations.

 

And thank you. I'm sorry I'm here as well and wish I could get a do over. But we know that unfortunately isn't going to happen.

[Life lessons]

Honestly? I wouldn't write a NC letter unless he contacts you again. Even then, I think I would just call him and say what you need to say and then hang up before he can reply...

 

Though I don't know if I would've been strong enough to do that so early on. Now I think I'd be able to, but I honestly don't see him contacting me again. If he does, I will be eating all kinds of crow (who came up with that saying anyway???). But I am prepared to tell him to never contact me again and hang up if he does.

 

I really do keep thinking of the situation as an addiction. I have to. It's the only way I will always have my guard up. I have to be aware that I could easily slip back into it, if there is any sort of contact. My BH wants a promise that I will never do it again... and I told him the truth: I don't WANT to ever do it again and I'm taking steps to never do it again. But to promise I'll never do it again is like an alcoholic promising to never take another drink. I don't think they can do that (someone please tell me otherwise if I'm wrong). I feel like I have to take each day and tell myself that I will make good choices, otherwise I am setting myself up for failure and will get complacent. I guess the bottom line is my words are not enough. Saying it is not enough. My actions are what will be the ultimate proof.

 

hello dead soul, it's always nice to read your words/advice, considering you're going through--well went through something so similar. I do wish I was as strong as you in being able to tell my BS.

 

As I've stated, I'm confident that it's over. I know I'm strong enough not to go back down that slippery road. Although I do feel like it is an addiction as well. I never imagined it would be this difficult to walk away from someone that you really don't love. I guess it's the endorphins kicking in when the A is happening--the excitement, wants, desires and general feeling of being put on a pedestal that makes ending it that much harder.

 

I completely understand about the promise! I wouldn't be able to make that promise now either because it's something I didn't think I would be able to do to begin with. Now I know i must always conduct myself better and walk away before it progresses. I never thought in a million years that this A would've happened. Even during the EA, I told myself I wouldn't let it progress to more. But I obviously gave into the temptation. I didn't stop it when I knew I could. I was so stupid! I was so weak! I have no other option now but to be strong.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I understand better how about the letter. So that letter is mainly used when the WS has confessed and it is sent more as a couple, is what I'm gathering!? So I guess there's no point in that type of letter in my case but in the other hand I do feel like it may help him to realize I'm not giving in to him again.?

 

My A was not 10 years...thank goodness. It was a few months..the EA was for a few months and the PA after for a few months.

 

I do appreciate your words. It's always helpful to hear from individuals that have went through similar situations.

 

And thank you. I'm sorry I'm here as well and wish I could get a do over. But we know that unfortunately isn't going to happen.

 

yes...the letter is really a tool for the couple...you are correct. You do what you think is best....but if you continue to block him...he will eventually get the message. I just fear if you contact him...he may manipulate you...and right now you are vulnerable. One reason I believe confession is good is because we not only have to be accountable to ourselves...but to our spouse. Even to this day...I tell my husband everything....not because he requires it...but because i want to.

 

My goodness...John and I misunderstood your thread title...and I apologize. I guess you have been MARRIED 10 years? I am so sorry i got that wrong.....

 

You are not alone....there are many of us who have walked similar paths. The one thing all betrayed and most waywards want...is that the infidelity never happened in the first place....

[Life lessons]

Deadsoul...I made this same statement here years ago....That I cannot swear i will never do it again. Why? Because i would have sworn I would never have done it in the first place. SO because i already failed...I certainly am capable of failing again. However....I will do absolutely everything I can to prevent it.

SO I understand what you are saying and why.

 

There are many people here who say they would never cheat....but the truth is...none of us really knows that for certain. We can all make sure that we hold ourselves accountable...that we remain transparent to our spouses....that we maintain strict boundaries...and that we always put our spouses needs before our own.

 

Actions are indeed ultimately the proof.

 

Exactly right!! All of what you've said! I too felt like I would never get myself into an A, but now that I've been so weak, I will most definitely take any and all precautions to make certain I don't put myself into another situation where it could happen.

 

I've read so many posts from individuals claiming they could never and would never cheat! Guess what!? I use to say the same exact thing! I just knew I would never cheat! I talked so poorly of those types of individuals. Indeed, I now know to never say never. Unless you're in that situation, you really don't know what you will do. Anyone's capable of cheating! I know many will say not them, but again, you are capable and it could very well happen to you. I didn't think I was that type of person but Now I know I am.

[Marc878]

Breaking contact will just lead to more I'm affraid. Phone calls can be tricky. You'll probably just end up engaging which is not a position you want to put yourself in.

 

If he persists a letter maybe a better idea. I'd mention if you persist I'll have no choice but to turn the matter over to HR as harrassment. No one wants that kind of problem if they have good sense.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

Honestly? I wouldn't write a NC letter unless he contacts you again. Even then, I think I would just call him and say what you need to say and then hang up before he can reply...

 

Though I don't know if I would've been strong enough to do that so early on. Now I think I'd be able to, but I honestly don't see him contacting me again. If he does, I will be eating all kinds of crow (who came up with that saying anyway???). But I am prepared to tell him to never contact me again and hang up if he does.

 

I really do keep thinking of the situation as an addiction. I have to. It's the only way I will always have my guard up. I have to be aware that I could easily slip back into it, if there is any sort of contact. My BH wants a promise that I will never do it again... and I told him the truth: I don't WANT to ever do it again and I'm taking steps to never do it again. But to promise I'll never do it again is like an alcoholic promising to never take another drink. I don't think they can do that (someone please tell me otherwise if I'm wrong). I feel like I have to take each day and tell myself that I will make good choices, otherwise I am setting myself up for failure and will get complacent. I guess the bottom line is my words are not enough. Saying it is not enough. My actions are what will be the ultimate proof.

 

You have a good understanding of where you're at. With this you can forge ahead.