MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Mrs. John Adams]

For many, many WWs I'm convinced the best outcome is divorce. Put your sin behind you and face life fresh without the constant reminder of the damage you did. That reminder is when you find your husband lost in his 1000 yard stare and you just know what he's thinking about. And of course there are the out & out triggers when you don't know if he's finally going to just walk away.

 

Husbands are usually too weak to do the right thing after d-day. They cling to the life they thought they had and just try to rug-sweep the nightmare. I think if WW really understands that reconciliation is likely to never really end & her cheating is going to be a huge drag on the marriage forever they would make the best decision for themselves and divorce.

 

I agree with much of what you have said here....but i will add this...

 

When infidelity happens...none of us is prepared for the outcome...and none of us can predict the future. Reconciliation never ends...you are correct....but then again...working on a marriage not affected by infidelity is also a lifetime work in progress. Eventually...I think we just work on our relationship and nurture it...and we get to stop calling it reconciliation.

 

I think i am working on my marriage....working on my relationship....and i would be doing this whether or not i had an affair....and if i wasn't....then i would say my marriage might be in trouble.

 

My cheating certainly scarred my marriage...but i would not characterize my staying in this marriage a huge drag on it....and perhaps you are right...that i should have pulled the plug on my marriage and divorced my husband....but how do we know that? i don't regret staying one single day these past 33 years...not one

 

I am happier than i have ever been....I love my husband more than i ever have....and we have an absolutely wonderful life.

 

Life is full of sadness and disappointments....and it is up to us how we overcome these things....yes even infidelity

 

I don't want to discourage waywards who are committed to doing everything in their power to overcome their choice of infidelity. I certainly want them to know the realities of the work that lies ahead of them....but i don't want to be the one who says...just divorce and give up because you will forever be a huge drag on your marriage. The infidelity never goes away....that's true...but it doesn't have to define who you are as a couple.

[Life lessons]

Really? Do you normally lie to your husband like this? Does the affair represent your normal typical relationship with your husband?

If you weren't weighing the risks and thinking about the consequences wouldn't you have been open and honest to your husband about your activities with your affair partner? Or are typically this secretive when you go to the store or run errands? It seems as if you were being very intentional in your behavior and activities to avoid having to deal with the consequences that might occur if your husband were to find out about you having an affair. In which case, you did manage to put a few thoughts together that your husband might not approve or accept that you were having an affair.

 

No this doesn't represent our marriage. This is the only thing I've ever been dishonest with my husband about. No, I'm not a secretive person at all...typically....of course I am with this big of a "thing." I never went out of my way to have the A. I know that sounds crazy but I didn't. I never took time away from my family, at all, the few times we had sex. Without going into detail, I can only say that each time it happened, it was never planned in advance and never took time from my family. I never lied about where I was going, etc. again, I don't expect any of that to make much sense to you all, but it's the truth. I know that still doesn't make any of it right. I know I screwed up and made the worst mistake I possibly could.

[Life lessons]

I may never know why. I may have to accept that I spent a big chunk of time making some stupid choices. But I really want to know how I became so addicted to another person the way I did that I was willing to throw my whole life away for it.

 

I feel the same as you dead soul. I can't quite grasp the whys! I've always walked away---always. But not this time. I was so flippen weak! A totally different person than I typically am.

[Quiet Storms]

Maybe this is just a repeat of your question of "why", but I guess I am wondering... how?

 

If the sex was vanilla, it only happened a few times, the EA lasted only a few months (I too misunderstood your title and thought it was a 10-year affair), and your husband is much better in all respects, then how? If not "why", then "how" can you do it? I can even maybe sort of see how it could happen once, just a terrible bad choice that you immediately regretted, but how do you make that choice again? And again and again? Even after you know things with your H are better?

 

Not trying to beat you up. I just will never get it.

[road]

Because the WW really desired the OM and the OM was willing to

oblige. Combined with my BH will never find out.

[Life lessons]

Maybe this is just a repeat of your question of "why", but I guess I am wondering... how?

 

If the sex was vanilla, it only happened a few times, the EA lasted only a few months (I too misunderstood your title and thought it was a 10-year affair), and your husband is much better in all respects, then how? If not "why", then "how" can you do it? I can even maybe sort of see how it could happen once, just a terrible bad choice that you immediately regretted, but how do you make that choice again? And again and again? Even after you know things with your H are better?

 

Not trying to beat you up. I just will never get it.

 

I too will never get it! Yes, sex was only a few times- it was vanilla-I don't know how or why, to be honest.

[road]

LL,

 

Been lurking here and following you and deadsoul's thread. I am the BH and only found out of the A from a co-worker who was worried how I was doing, as they had heard "rumors."

 

My wife was 4 months pregnant at the time I found out. DD was just a year ago. My WW only confessed after I confronted her with the "rumor." Finding out this way was the worst way possible. Immediately, I believed our entire M was a lie and sham. All along, my STBxW promised the baby was ours. After the baby was born, a paternity test revealed my worst nightmare was true.

 

Anyway, I've respected deadsoul for confessing. Her confession to her H and family carried so much weight in her expressing true guilt and remorse for her A. For me, being the BS, I realize that the confession shows a much more truer form of remorse then hiding it, hoping the BS doesn't find out.

 

I read people's stories here and really hope the couple's can R. I really want R for me as does my WW. It's a bit too late for me tho. I'm not capable of getting past the resentment, with the A child, who looks so much more her mom and dad, brings on the worst of it over and over again when I see her.

 

I really do hope for R for you and your H/ family. I wish deadsoul the best of luck with R too. Reading her thread made me wish that my WW was as diligent as her.

 

Make sure your name is not on the birth certificate.

[selfawareness]

Agree with you 'road' but I'd like to add more detail. It's called as we all know the fog. If we could have HD video of him flirting with you and you smiling, of you spaced out a lil at the traffic light while you are feeling how nice he is with you, of your serious look when after being warmed up for so long, fogged up for so long, considering doing the unthinkable, of you going from being passionately kissed to passionately kissing him, of you being passionately fondled, of passionately thrusting yourself against him, then we would easily see why you and deadsoul were 'addicted.' Life Lessons and deadsoul are like two teenagers going on 50 still trying to figure out how do females work. You see them here on this website all the time, "I was just drunk in my friends place and i don't know how one thing led to another..." "he just hit on me at work and eventually I caved in" "i was at a party and this long time coworker..." "it was an old flame that friended on Facebook and at first it was just friendly..."

 

The most 'oblivious' animal on the planet: the human female.

 

It is so ridiculous to ask yourselves why you did it but ill tell you why ... because you are warmable little chipmunks rofl. Sorry your actions and yourselves are not so misteryously trascendental.

 

p.s. this is what one genious will say in response: oh why dont we fall all the time? Why didnt i fall for others?

[MickeyBill]

I too will never get it! Yes, sex was only a few times- it was vanilla-I don't know how or why, to be honest.

 

I have heard it explained mathematically:

 

The WS has a decent 75% steady, comfort and happiness level with the BS. Along comes the affair with the OM who only brings a part time 45% fun and excitement to the table.

 

Now the WS has 120% of Happiness, comfort, excitement and fun...pretty good deal.

 

But it's a zero sum game with the loser being the betrayed spouse whose marriage goes down to 60% but he doesn't know why.

[Imajerk17]

No this doesn't represent our marriage. This is the only thing I've ever been dishonest with my husband about. No, I'm not a secretive person at all...typically....of course I am with this big of a "thing." I never went out of my way to have the A. I know that sounds crazy but I didn't. I never took time away from my family, at all, the few times we had sex. Without going into detail, I can only say that each time it happened, it was never planned in advance and never took time from my family. I never lied about where I was going, etc. again, I don't expect any of that to make much sense to you all, but it's the truth. I know that still doesn't make any of it right. I know I screwed up and made the worst mistake I possibly could.

 

That's a pretty big thing to be dishonest about though, don't you think? Nothing "only" about it!

 

You can keep saying how big of a mistake you made, Life lessons, but you are not doing NEARLY enough to make it right. And so your words come across on here as crocodile tears.

[MikeM 1028]

I think LL gets how much of a mistake the A was. she'll only really begin to understand just how bad this mistake affects others if her BH were told the truth, as well as their child.

 

LL, there's no pain quite like being betrayed by your best friend. your spouse. father of your kid. confidant. etc. it's worse if he were to find out later on.

[Life lessons]

That's a pretty big thing to be dishonest about though, don't you think? Nothing "only" about it!

 

You can keep saying how big of a mistake you made, Life lessons, but you are not doing NEARLY enough to make it right. And so your words come across on here as crocodile tears.

 

It obviously is and I stated that!!

 

I guess you're referring to me not telling my husband, as me not doing enough? If that's the case then I may very well never do enough! If I decide to tell him it will not be anytime soon!

[Life lessons]

I think LL gets how much of a mistake the A was. she'll only really begin to understand just how bad this mistake affects others if her BH were told the truth, as well as their child.

 

LL, there's no pain quite like being betrayed by your best friend. your spouse. father of your kid. confidant. etc. it's worse if he were to find out later on.

 

Of course! I know I have betrayed the most important person in my life. I feel horrible for that! Believe me! Nothing worse could've been done! That is why I'm not planning on telling because it would destroy my family.

 

I do agree there's no greater betrayal. As I've said previously, I've screwed up majorly. I know I'm a dishonest, broken, deceitful person! I hope he never finds out! I really don't think I could deal with that, nor could my H and family.

[DKT3]

No this doesn't represent our marriage. This is the only thing I've ever been dishonest with my husband about. No, I'm not a secretive person at all...typically....of course I am with this big of a "thing." I never went out of my way to have the A. I know that sounds crazy but I didn't. I never took time away from my family, at all, the few times we had sex. Without going into detail, I can only say that each time it happened, it was never planned in advance and never took time from my family. I never lied about where I was going, etc. again, I don't expect any of that to make much sense to you all, but it's the truth. I know that still doesn't make any of it right. I know I screwed up and made the worst mistake I possibly could.

 

Is it truth or your deluded affair version? Because what your saying is not possible, no way you could not pursue or intend an affair yet still have one. No way it could not take away from your family. Honestly, it's just not genuine. It's a case of you attempting to minimize the damage you've caused.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No this doesn't represent our marriage. This is the only thing I've ever been dishonest with my husband about. No, I'm not a secretive person at all...typically....of course I am with this big of a "thing." I never went out of my way to have the A. I know that sounds crazy but I didn't. I never took time away from my family, at all, the few times we had sex. Without going into detail, I can only say that each time it happened, it was never planned in advance and never took time from my family. I never lied about where I was going, etc. again, I don't expect any of that to make much sense to you all, but it's the truth. I know that still doesn't make any of it right. I know I screwed up and made the worst mistake I possibly could.

 

 

This post is full of alternative truths...as our president likes to say. When you truly face what you have done ...you will see it. Right now...you are still justifying. Every second you devoted to your lover was time stolen from your family....this is truth....whether it was a thought or time with him. and you lied to your husband by being with another man...you spoke vows to be faithful...you weren't. and even now you continue to lie...because you have not told him the truth....so you are living a lie....And What I have bolded....will get you crucified around here. An affair is not a mistake...it is a choice...a horrible terrible choice. I understand what you mean...but many others won't.

 

I would like to see you truly face yourself in the mirror....accept what you see and stop lying to yourself. Until you truly see what you have done....you wont heal....and you wont hold yourself accountable.

[QuietDan]

No this doesn't represent our marriage. This is the only thing I've ever been dishonest with my husband about. No, I'm not a secretive person at all...typically....of course I am with this big of a "thing." I never went out of my way to have the A. I know that sounds crazy but I didn't. I never took time away from my family, at all, the few times we had sex. Without going into detail, I can only say that each time it happened, it was never planned in advance and never took time from my family. I never lied about where I was going, etc. again, I don't expect any of that to make much sense to you all, but it's the truth. I know that still doesn't make any of it right. I know I screwed up and made the worst mistake I possibly could.

 

The... Unexpected accidentally... Fell on it defense?

[Mrs. John Adams]

The... Unexpected accidentally... Fell on it defense?

 

I am trying to think of a come back for this...because it was Puuurfect

[Try]

I can only say that each time it happened, it was never planned in advance and never took time from my family.

Your affair you took intimate time away from your husband. Spouses being cheated on usually can tell when the affair started because in hindsight they discover that the affair was also when they noticed that their spouse was not as intimate with them as they were before the hidden affair. It is what seems like small things, such you no longer crave their touch, that they notice because these taken for granted intimacies are really big things (even more important than sex).

 

I never lied about where I was going, etc.

A lie by omission is a lie, and you lied by omission every time that you discussed your day with your husband and did not tell him about your lover.

[GoldenR]

I know that sounds crazy but I didn't. I never took time away from my family, at all, the few times we had sex. Without going into detail, I can only say that each time it happened, it was never planned in advance and never took time from my family. I never lied about where I was going, etc. again, I don't expect any of that to make much sense to you all, but it's the truth.

 

 

So you told your H, "I'm going to go have sex with my AP. Be back in a couple hours..."?

[bigman1]

Your point about not taking time from your family makes sense to me. Sex at work happens when you are not expected to be home. The big lie part is that the sex just happened. No it did not. Anticipation, creating opportunities, seclusion, avoiding detection don't just happen. Unless he just stuck it in for a second and then you got yourselves together, the sex didn't just happen. Nude...planning. bottoms off....planning. foreplay....planning. anticipation....you get the point.

 

Still, it does not matter. You are content to live a lie and to let your husband live a lie. I get it. It may be the case that it does come out and then he leaves. I know nothing about him, so I can't opine as to whether he's gonna want to hang on to you or not. Some guys just do. It ranges around 35%. Not trying to start a stat debate. Many don't, 65%. Who knows?

 

If it comes out, and it is a deal breaker, then the time away from your family check that you have been writing will get cashed. Then, you destroy your family, and suddenly its separate holidays, etc. You are a high stakes gambler. You've played this long and are tough under pressure and you've been "winning". Why not let it ride?

[aliveagain]

I can honestly say I never thought I would be in this situation. I love my DH dearly and never want to be without him. He is truly the best man I know. We have a child together and have been married over 10 years. The only reason this A happened is because the SM would not stop chasing me and I caved in. I guess I liked the way it made me feel. We began talking for hours at work. No he doesn't work with me but I do/did see him at work. One thing led to another and our EA became a PA. Again, I had no intentions of doing this but i obviously didn't stop it as I know I should've. We have been intimate a couple of times but I know it would be more if we saw each other more. I'm not proud of myself for saying that but it's the truth. And in a couple of ninths we will probably have to see one another again at work. He lives a couple of hours away so if we saw each other outside of work then we would have to arrange for a hotel and that may happen eventually but it's not happened yet.

Again, circumstances are preventing us from seeing each other often as of now but that will change soon. For the first couple of months we only Spoke at my workplace and then he introduced me to an app that we started messaging in and we have messages daily since. I don't and never will want a life with this SM but this does bring excitement into my life. I know what I'm going to say is horrible but I want the SM to fall in love with me but I don't even want to have deep feelings for him.

 

I've tried to break it off a couple of times unsuccessfully and told him I was starting to get feelings and we couldn't keep this up and he responded with he has feelings as well and one thing led to another and we kept this A going.

 

A huge part of me wants and needs to stop it but another part likes the excitement and wanting it brings me. We message daily, throughout the day, all day most days. Most of the time it is just random conversation although we do sext at least once a week.

 

He has a couple of family members that know about me but I have no one I can talk to. No one!!! I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

I do not believe your bullsh*t comment that you didn't take any time away from your husband and child. Just read your first post again. All you talk about is the other man and how great he makes you feel. Your communicating with him all day every day. This is how you will get busted and the chances you get divorced are high, too many others(his family)know about your affair. They know your married and cheating on your husband with their family member. Once you break O/M's heart they will turn on you, you can't control them. Being discovered before you confess will be a 1000 times worse for you. His family members know about you, you are in a very risky position.

Edited March 21, 2017 by aliveagain

[Mr Blunt]

"I feel like I need to know the why so I don't do this ever again"

 

 

By blunt

The above is a concern expressed by Life lessons and deadsoul

 

 

Originally Posted by Mrs. John Adams

 

I don't think we ever really know WHY...

 

but the bottom line is of course because we wanted to..no one forced us...we made the choice of our own free will. We became selfish narcissistic ego maniacs....kind of like trump....lol

We allowed ourselves to matter more than anyone else. Us first....and we did not care who suffered because of it.

 

 

By Blunt

The above answer by Mrs. John Adams is one of the best that I have seen on this forum in addressing WHY. . Life lessons and deadsoul, you, like all of us have the DNA to be “selfish narcissistic ego maniacs! Because you have the DNA you will never have a 100% guarantee that you will not revert to your selfish narcissistic ego. What you can do is to take actions so that you get close to 100%.There are tons of information that will tell you how to get a LOT stronger and almost eliminate the possibility of you falling back into your disgusting actions. We live in an age of enormous ability to get information at our fingertips so we have no excuse to fail to get informed. So instead of you keep asking why, you would better serve yourself by getting the information then DOING IT!

 

Just a few of the things that you can do are to be 100% totally committed to honesty, loyalty, and honor. These should take precedence over your FEELINGS because feelings cannot be trusted as you have found out the hard way. These are just a start and you need to get other information that can help in other ways.

 

You can regain your dignity and self-respect if you willing to be informed, committed to integrity, and take the right actions for YEARS! You now have a choice; you can do nothing and remain weak or take the right actions and start rebuilding your character!

[understand50]

No this doesn't represent our marriage. This is the only thing I've ever been dishonest with my husband about. No, I'm not a secretive person at all...typically....of course I am with this big of a "thing." I never went out of my way to have the A. I know that sounds crazy but I didn't. I never took time away from my family, at all, the few times we had sex. Without going into detail, I can only say that each time it happened, it was never planned in advance and never took time from my family. I never lied about where I was going, etc. again, I don't expect any of that to make much sense to you all, but it's the truth. I know that still doesn't make any of it right. I know I screwed up and made the worst mistake I possibly could.

 

Life Lessons,

 

OK, I think the "why" can wait, the big question right now, is are you maintaining NC, and what is your plan, as he comes to your work, if you happen to meet him? My opinion is you need to come clean with your husband, but absent that, you need to get out of the affair. You should have worked out, what your actions will be, and how you will react. Will make it much easier. Write it down, and rehearse it in your mind.

 

I know you feel that your husband will never find out, but I think you are deluding yourself. You may want to write a letter to him, now when things are fresh, explaining what happened, and also why you choose not to tell him. It would show the beginnings of remorse for you. May want to write a letter to your children as well. This will stop you from rewriting history, both to yourself and your husband.

 

As for why, you will have to accept, that it is "Because I wanted to, and could". You have free will, and you let this happened. Unless your relationship with your AP is one of rape, there is just not other reasons why. Do not lie to yourself, as lies to others are bad, but necessary sometimes, lies to yourself, in your own mind, damage the most.

 

Do these two things, I think you will find they will help.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Life lessons]

Is it truth or your deluded affair version? Because what your saying is not possible, no way you could not pursue or intend an affair yet still have one. No way it could not take away from your family. Honestly, it's just not genuine. It's a case of you attempting to minimize the damage you've caused.

 

Absolutely not! As I've said, I had no intention of having a PA...maybe the EA, which I now know is just as bad, but I thought we could be just friends. Looking back, of course I should've never thought that because there was too much chemistry between us.

 

As I've said, it did not take away from my family. I know that's difficult to take in for many, but it never ever took time from my family.

 

I certainly don't feel like I'm trying to minimize the damage.

[Life lessons]

"I feel like I need to know the why so I don't do this ever again"

 

 

By blunt

The above is a concern expressed by Life lessons and deadsoul

 

 

Originally Posted by Mrs. John Adams

 

I don't think we ever really know WHY...

 

but the bottom line is of course because we wanted to..no one forced us...we made the choice of our own free will. We became selfish narcissistic ego maniacs....kind of like trump....lol

We allowed ourselves to matter more than anyone else. Us first....and we did not care who suffered because of it.

 

 

By Blunt

The above answer by Mrs. John Adams is one of the best that I have seen on this forum in addressing WHY. . Life lessons and deadsoul, you, like all of us have the DNA to be “selfish narcissistic ego maniacs! Because you have the DNA you will never have a 100% guarantee that you will not revert to your selfish narcissistic ego. What you can do is to take actions so that you get close to 100%.There are tons of information that will tell you how to get a LOT stronger and almost eliminate the possibility of you falling back into your disgusting actions. We live in an age of enormous ability to get information at our fingertips so we have no excuse to fail to get informed. So instead of you keep asking why, you would better serve yourself by getting the information then DOING IT!

 

Just a few of the things that you can do are to be 100% totally committed to honesty, loyalty, and honor. These should take precedence over your FEELINGS because feelings cannot be trusted as you have found out the hard way. These are just a start and you need to get other information that can help in other ways.

 

You can regain your dignity and self-respect if you willing to be informed, committed to integrity, and take the right actions for YEARS! You now have a choice; you can do nothing and remain weak or take the right actions and start rebuilding your character!

 

As of said several times before, yes I want to figure out how I let myself do something as terrible as this. BUT I never said if I don't find out the whys, that I would do it again....I can tell you, I will never make that mistake/choice again! I obviously was naive and thought I could just be friends with the OM and never go beyond that. I've learned from my mistake/choice!