MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[aliveagain]

Absolutely not! As I've said, I had no intention of having a PA...maybe the EA, which I now know is just as bad, but I thought we could be just friends. Looking back, of course I should've never thought that because there was too much chemistry between us.

 

As I've said, it did not take away from my family. I know that's difficult to take in for many, but it never ever took time from my family.

I certainly don't feel like I'm trying to minimize the damage.

 

This post is now 27 pages long and your still writing stuff like this, wow, I don't know how your getting air because your head is so far up your ---. Was your first post a lie? "All day every day," we can all read, this man your cheating with takes a lot of space in your life.

[DKT3]

This post is now 27 pages long and your still writing stuff like this, wow, I don't know how your getting air because your head is so far up your ---. Was your first post a lie? "All day every day," we can all read, this man your cheating with takes a lot of space in your life.

 

She doesn't get it because she is still in the mindset of a woman having an affair. Unfortunately for her we've seen this play and she is far more likely to continue or restart then she is not too. Still selfish, still hiding still delusional about what happened and is happening. That is why she continues to make these types of comments, worst yet is she actually believes them.

[Life lessons]

This post is now 27 pages long and your still writing stuff like this, wow, I don't know how your getting air because your head is so far up your ---. Was your first post a lie? "All day every day," we can all read, this man your cheating with takes a lot of space in your life.

 

Oh geez...maybe your taking my words too literal!? I didn't mean to imply that we contacted/text each other every single second..geesh! All day everyday was implying that we text on/off all day. If my husband/family weren't around we'd text. If they were, we wouldn't. Again, I don't expect you all to understand it all!

[Quiet Storms]

Oh geez...maybe your taking my words too literal!? I didn't mean to imply that we contacted/text each other every single second..geesh! All day everyday was implying that we text on/off all day. If my husband/family weren't around we'd text. If they were, we wouldn't. Again, I don't expect you all to understand it all!

 

People here understand what you are saying. Your affair took a lot of your head space, and that's taking away from your family.

 

You need to seriously think about this, because you are minimizing what you did.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh geez...maybe your taking my words too literal!? I didn't mean to imply that we contacted/text each other every single second..geesh! All day everyday was implying that we text on/off all day. If my husband/family weren't around we'd text. If they were, we wouldn't. Again, I don't expect you all to understand it all!

 

The trouble is... we all do understand... because we have been there. You are the one who doesn't get it.

 

Until you understand what you have done you cannot fix it.

 

As long as you remain in your present mindset... you will fail.

 

The first step in recovery is admitting there is a problem. You don't yet see the problem.

 

You think because you want to stop screwing around on your husband now... your life will return to normal. It won't.... it can't because you are not the same woman you used to be. You allowed yourself to become a very selfish narcissistic person and until you correct that within yourself.. you will remain so

 

You have to recognize how you became this person... you have to admit there is a problem... and you have to seek help in fixing it.

 

The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.

 

You refuse to tell your husband... which would usually be step one... but you want to skip step one. Step two is becoming accountable for what you have done... it is very hard to get to step two if you skip step one.

 

So you already have a strike against you.

 

You dont accept accountability ... how do we know? Because of the things you say. Your words do not reflect a person who accepts responsibility for their choices...

 

Excuses... talking fondly of your affair partner.. show us that you still live in a fantasy

[Mr Blunt]

By BLUNT

Life Lessons,

In my last post to you I was trying to encourage m you to get information on how to get a lot stronger and almost eliminate the possibility of you falling back into your disgusting betrayal. After you getting the information I suggested that YOU DO IT!

 

 

You ignored my suggesting and encouragement and stated

 

By Life Lesson

....I can tell you, I will never make that mistake/choice again!

 

 

By Blunt

I am sure you are very motivated to never make that mistake again at this time. However, how about in 5-10 years from now? Actually your earlier posts contradict your latest post to me reprinted above. You claim that you will never make that mistake/choice again but you also said:

 

 

By Life Lessons

I never thought in a million years that this A would've happened

I've read so many posts from individuals claiming they could never and would never cheat! Guess what!? I use to say the same exact thing! I just knew I would never cheat!

I don't even know the person I turned into

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

Life lesson, are you now going to get information and help in addition to this forum so that you can take actions that will help yourself and your family?

 

 

Lately you have just been defending yourself against some of the posts. Some of the posters have been where you are now and are a lot further down the road in healing than you are. Do you think that their experience has more credibility than your thinking?

 

You keep asking the question of WHY. Mrs. John Adams already gave you a very good answer to why; so now you can get busy getting information for you to act upon so that you can start to get better.

 

 

Do you want to keep defending yourself or do you want to get better?

[Life lessons]

The trouble is... we all do understand... because we have been there. You are the one who doesn't get it.

 

Until you understand what you have done you cannot fix it.

 

As long as you remain in your present mindset... you will fail.

 

The first step in recovery is admitting there is a problem. You don't yet see the problem.

 

You think because you want to stop screwing around on your husband now... your life will return to normal. It won't.... it can't because you are not the same woman you used to be. You allowed yourself to become a very selfish narcissistic person and until you correct that within yourself.. you will remain so

 

You have to recognize how you became this person... you have to admit there is a problem... and you have to seek help in fixing it.

 

The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.

 

You refuse to tell your husband... which would usually be step one... but you want to skip step one. Step two is becoming accountable for what you have done... it is very hard to get to step two if you skip step one.

 

So you already have a strike against you.

 

You dont accept accountability ... how do we know? Because of the things you say. Your words do not reflect a person who accepts responsibility for their choices...

 

Excuses... talking fondly of your affair partner.. show us that you still live in a fantasy

 

I understand why you would think this. I saw your post in cons thread in regards to me wishing the friendship was possible.....although I also stated I knew it is not realistic to say that, and I would never have that friendship....but I now see the point you are making. No, I would never say that in front of my husband and your response opened my mind to another way of thinking in regards to the OM.

 

I do appreciate everyone's replies and suggestions. I realize I obviously don't put much thought into somethings, before I say them and that was definitely something I should've put a little more thought into before saying. I do see how portraying the OM in any positive light is something I should never do. I betrayed my husband and he knowingly helped me to do that. I know it is my fault, trust me....but i also put some of the fault on him.

 

Regardless of my words here, I do know and realize the damage I have done. I do know that my marriage is now based on lies, betrayal, deceit.

[Life lessons]

Life Lessons,

 

OK, I think the "why" can wait, the big question right now, is are you maintaining NC, and what is your plan, as he comes to your work, if you happen to meet him? My opinion is you need to come clean with your husband, but absent that, you need to get out of the affair. You should have worked out, what your actions will be, and how you will react. Will make it much easier. Write it down, and rehearse it in your mind.

 

As for why, you will have to accept, that it is "Because I wanted to, and could". You have free will, and you let this happened. Unless your relationship with your AP is one of rape, there is just not other reasons why. Do not lie to yourself, as lies to others are bad, but necessary sometimes, lies to yourself, in your own mind, damage the most.

 

Do these two things, I think you will find they will help.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

I am maintaining NC! As I stated previously, I have blocked all forms of communication. The OMs only method of contact is through my office line. I screen all calls, so that I do not chance answering his call. He has called several times wanting to know what's going on and why I'm doing this to him but I have not responded to him. I'm hoping he will give up soon and realize that I want nothing more to do with him. As far as the "what if" on seeing him again, I am confident that will not happen. I have switched offices inside the building so if he was to come in he will not know where I went nor will he be told. So I don't foresee any issues with seeing him at any point from here on.

 

You're correct, I will probably have to accept the why as such.

 

Thank you for your words!

[harrybrown]

hope more of your thoughts center on your H.

[Imajerk17]

I understand why you would think this. I saw your post in cons thread in regards to me wishing the friendship was possible.....although I also stated I knew it is not realistic to say that, and I would never have that friendship....but I now see the point you are making. No, I would never say that in front of my husband and your response opened my mind to another way of thinking in regards to the OM.

 

I do appreciate everyone's replies and suggestions. I realize I obviously don't put much thought into somethings, before I say them and that was definitely something I should've put a little more thought into before saying. I do see how portraying the OM in any positive light is something I should never do. I betrayed my husband and he knowingly helped me to do that. I know it is my fault, trust me....but i also put some of the fault on him.

 

Regardless of my words here, I do know and realize the damage I have done. I do know that my marriage is now based on lies, betrayal, deceit.

 

What are you going to do to fix it though. I mean, you can express your regrets all you want, but your husband is stuck living a lie too. Difference is, it's through no fault of his own and he doesn't know it. He deserves to know the truth. So the only true way to repair the damage is to come clean to your husband.

 

You did the crime, now you have to face the consequences for what you've done.

Edited March 22, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Mrs. John Adams]

I understand why you would think this. I saw your post in cons thread in regards to me wishing the friendship was possible.....although I also stated I knew it is not realistic to say that, and I would never have that friendship....but I now see the point you are making. No, I would never say that in front of my husband and your response opened my mind to another way of thinking in regards to the OM.

 

I do appreciate everyone's replies and suggestions. I realize I obviously don't put much thought into somethings, before I say them and that was definitely something I should've put a little more thought into before saying. I do see how portraying the OM in any positive light is something I should never do. I betrayed my husband and he knowingly helped me to do that. I know it is my fault, trust me....but i also put some of the fault on him.

 

Regardless of my words here, I do know and realize the damage I have done. I do know that my marriage is now based on lies, betrayal, deceit.

 

please read how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald

 

please get your self into therapy and please find a therapist who is an infidelity expert...not the quack you are seeing now

 

Please make yourself accountable to SOMEONE...like a minister...or your mom or your sister

 

Please eventually tell your husband what you have done

 

I am done...you think you have all the answers....and everyone here who has walked this same path knows you are on a path of destruction.

 

You insist you know...but you don't...your answers show you don't.

 

Over and out

[smi11ie]

If you want to save your marraige I suggest you break of all contact with this guy now. If he works with you then change job. Basically behave as if your husband just found out and you want to save the marraige.

 

In future, if you want to tell your husband, then you should make a single life plan and consult a lawyer first.

 

After individual counceling you could try a joint sesh with hub.

Edited March 22, 2017 by smi11ie
Poor grammar

[Mr Blunt]

Now Mrs John Adams has given you some real good actions listed below. Are you going to do those or are you all talk?

 

BY Mrs John Adams

please read how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald

 

 

please get your self into therapy and please find a therapist who is an infidelity expert...not the quack you are seeing now

 

 

Please make yourself accountable to SOMEONE...like a minister...or your mom or your sister

 

 

Please eventually tell your husband what you have done

[QuietDan]

Absolutely not! As I've said, I had no intention of having a PA...maybe the EA, which I now know is just as bad, but I thought we could be just friends. Looking back, of course I should've never thought that because there was too much chemistry between us.

 

As I've said, it did not take away from my family. I know that's difficult to take in for many, but it never ever took time from my family.

 

I certainly don't feel like I'm trying to minimize the damage.

Ahhh... Yes...So many post... Expressing.... How you were relentlessly pursued...by a man you found irresistibly charming... the chemistry was overwhelming.... And so on and so forth... You couldn't resist...

A tragic victim of forces that swept you up into this emotional sexual affair....

After seeing the original post...

Forgotten how much it sounded like one of the paperback romance novels...

 

Currently, You seem to be trying to minimize and down play and white wash the nature of the affair and the extent of the affair and your interaction in it.

Not to sure why or what you are talking about when you say some of his family knew about you.

That is ... Extremely unusual. People usually don't bring illicit affair situations back to personal family relationships. Unless there is some sort of kinky multiple partner brother thing... Or.... this relationship was significantly more involved and he was passing you off as his girlfriend or potential fiancee???? I suppose another scenario might be that he has a very close brother or sister who he shares every detail of his life, even the fact that he was involved with a "happily" married woman with a kid??? This stuff really doesn't add .... What else was going on?

The Victim of circumstances angle ... Not to sure how well that is really going to work if/when your husband either figures it out or gets around to calling you out on this affair.

If / when your husband confronts you.... Oh yes.

That's right you stated you plan to lie and deny....

I don 't really rememer any threads where that really worked out all that well for the wayward in the long run.

[ConInLA]

Lifelessons,

No poster on this board can tell you what to do in YOUR marriage. Do what works best for you. After all, we are just strangers on the internet. It seems like you are trying to break away from your AP and that's good. That is for the best. With that said, you have to give all of this time. Give it enough time and the answers will come. I was a mess 3 weeks ago but I am coming out on the other side and finally seeing and thinking clearly. You will get there as well. Good luck!!

[QuietDan]

Now... for something a bit different...

How would you describe your ability to read and understand the emotional state of other people from their facial expressions?

[Imajerk17]

Lifelessons,

No poster on this board can tell you what to do in YOUR marriage. Do what works best for you. After all, we are just strangers on the internet. It seems like you are trying to break away from your AP and that's good. That is for the best. With that said, you have to give all of this time. Give it enough time and the answers will come. I was a mess 3 weeks ago but I am coming out on the other side and finally seeing and thinking clearly. You will get there as well. Good luck!!

 

Con, you are but 3 weeks out from your own affair. Your husband and children are still unwittingly living a lie thanks to you. If your conscience isn't bothering you about this, then you should at least be concerned with how safe the secret of your affair truly is. And you think the answers have already come for you?

 

With all due respect, I don't agree. And I don't think you should be advising others either!

Edited March 22, 2017 by Imajerk17

[smi11ie]

The longer this sitch goes on, the more detatched you will feel from hub. Seems like you are thinking to sacrifice your affair and enjoy a commited relationship with your husband. You are playing with fire and so far have not felt any consequenses. You sound smart so I am sure you feel you can keep getting away with it. Read some old love letters from hub or old photos. Remind yourself of where you are in life and where you are going.

[Life lessons]

What are you going to do to fix it though. I mean, you can express your regrets all you want, but your husband is stuck living a lie too. Difference is, it's through no fault of his own and he doesn't know it. He deserves to know the truth. So the only true way to repair the damage is to come clean to your husband.

 

You did the crime, now you have to face the consequences for what you've done.

 

Everything I can do with the exception of telling him. He definitely deserves the truth but I don't feel I can give that to him.

[Life lessons]

Now Mrs John Adams has given you some real good actions listed below. Are you going to do those or are you all talk?

 

BY Mrs John Adams

please read how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald

 

 

please get your self into therapy and please find a therapist who is an infidelity expert...not the quack you are seeing now

 

 

Please make yourself accountable to SOMEONE...like a minister...or your mom or your sister

 

 

Please eventually tell your husband what you have done

 

 

Definitely going to start reading how to help your spouse heal from the affair. I'm already in therapy. So I guess because she doesn't believe I should confess then I should keep scheduling sessions with new therapists until I find one that wants and pushes me to confess???

[DKT3]

Definitely going to start reading how to help your spouse heal from the affair. I'm already in therapy. So I guess because she doesn't believe I should confess then I should keep scheduling sessions with new therapists until I find one that wants and pushes me to confess???

 

Well you should switch until you find a good one. A good therapist will never tell you to lie and mislead, it's like going to a medical Dr with lung cancer and having him tell you to smoke marboro lites.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well you should switch until you find a good one. A good therapist will never tell you to lie and mislead, it's like going to a medical Dr with lung cancer and having him tell you to smoke marboro lites.

 

Perfect

 

My husband and I went to a therapist who blamed him for my affair

 

Adios to her

 

You want a therapist who helps you become better... not who tells you what you want to hear

[Life lessons]

Ahhh... Yes...So many post... Expressing.... How you were relentlessly pursued...by a man you found irresistibly charming... the chemistry was overwhelming.... And so on and so forth... You couldn't resist...

A tragic victim of forces that swept you up into this emotional sexual affair....

After seeing the original post...

Forgotten how much it sounded like one of the paperback romance novels...

 

Currently, You seem to be trying to minimize and down play and white wash the nature of the affair and the extent of the affair and your interaction in it.

Not to sure why or what you are talking about when you say some of his family knew about you.

That is ... Extremely unusual. People usually don't bring illicit affair situations back to personal family relationships. Unless there is some sort of kinky multiple partner brother thing... Or.... this relationship was significantly more involved and he was passing you off as his girlfriend or potential fiancee???? I suppose another scenario might be that he has a very close brother or sister who he shares every detail of his life, even the fact that he was involved with a "happily" married woman with a kid??? This stuff really doesn't add .... What else was going on?

The Victim of circumstances angle ... Not to sure how well that is really going to work if/when your husband either figures it out or gets around to calling you out on this affair.

If / when your husband confronts you.... Oh yes.

That's right you stated you plan to lie and deny....

I don 't really rememer any threads where that really worked out all that well for the wayward in the long run.

 

I certainly don't feel that I'm trying to minimize what I have done. I agree it is unusual, I thought the same! I have no idea why he told some of his close family members....there was nothing more than I said and I never led him on to think we would ever be more.

[Redhead14]

I can honestly say I never thought I would be in this situation. I love my DH dearly and never want to be without him. He is truly the best man I know. We have a child together and have been married over 10 years. The only reason this A happened is because the SM would not stop chasing me and I caved in. I guess I liked the way it made me feel. We began talking for hours at work. No he doesn't work with me but I do/did see him at work. One thing led to another and our EA became a PA. Again, I had no intentions of doing this but i obviously didn't stop it as I know I should've. We have been intimate a couple of times but I know it would be more if we saw each other more. I'm not proud of myself for saying that but it's the truth. And in a couple of ninths we will probably have to see one another again at work. He lives a couple of hours away so if we saw each other outside of work then we would have to arrange for a hotel and that may happen eventually but it's not happened yet.

 

Again, circumstances are preventing us from seeing each other often as of now but that will change soon. For the first couple of months we only Spoke at my workplace and then he introduced me to an app that we started messaging in and we have messages daily since. I don't and never will want a life with this SM but this does bring excitement into my life. I know what I'm going to say is horrible but I want the SM to fall in love with me but I don't even want to have deep feelings for him.

 

I've tried to break it off a couple of times unsuccessfully and told him I was starting to get feelings and we couldn't keep this up and he responded with he has feelings as well and one thing led to another and we kept this A going.

 

A huge part of me wants and needs to stop it but another part likes the excitement and wanting it brings me. We message daily, throughout the day, all day most days. Most of the time it is just random conversation although we do sext at least once a week.

 

He has a couple of family members that know about me but I have no one I can talk to. No one!!! I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

You are going to risk throwing away 10 years of marriage to a man you say you LOVE and destroy the family that your child has known all his or her life for a man who shows you some attention and preys on married women??!!! Sexting and messaging will bite you in the butt at some point, trust me.

 

If you need more attention/excitement from your husband, talk to him about it.

 

Think about your child - how will you explain to him or her why Mommy and Daddy don't live together anymore, why they fought, why he or she can't have all the things he or she has now. And, later, when they are grown and come to realize that their mother caused their family to fall apart -- how will you handle that?

 

"Oh, sweetie, Mommy liked the attention a guy was showing her and didn't care enough about you to think about how her behavior would affect you. But, it's not my fault because he chased me and I didn't have the balls to handle it effectively and I am selfish".

[Life lessons]

Lifelessons,

No poster on this board can tell you what to do in YOUR marriage. Do what works best for you. After all, we are just strangers on the internet. It seems like you are trying to break away from your AP and that's good. That is for the best. With that said, you have to give all of this time. Give it enough time and the answers will come. I was a mess 3 weeks ago but I am coming out on the other side and finally seeing and thinking clearly. You will get there as well. Good luck!!

 

 

I know and understand but it's helped me a lot to hear things posters have said and the advice that's been proffered. It's crazy because when I came here initially, I wasn't certain I wanted out of the affair. I guess I was in that fog that's referenced!? It didn't take long for me to think about more than just myself and to realize just how selfish and deceiving I was being. Of course I should've realized those things immediately, but as you may very well know, since you were in a similar situation.....during the A, those things aren't really thought about. I now realize I must hold myself accountable for the horrible, negative, deceitful things that i have done. My marriage was not a bad one to begin with, but I'm going to make it better than ever.

 

As far as breaking away from the AP, I have broken away from him. I only wish I would've realized things long before now.