Author Life lessons Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 Did you kiss him? Did you give him a blow job without a condom? I call bull**** on not exchanging body fluids.....totally and completely impossible unless you did not kiss him .....and I seriously doubt it....and condoms do not cover the entire penis unless he has a really tiny penis.....just sayin My apologies. I was referring to semen. Yes, we did exchange saliva! I know some diseases, such as herpes, can be spread from kissing as well. Sorry I misspoke. I was only referring to cum/semen. no to the blow job. Again, I know how unusual having an affair is and actually thinking and using protection but I was adamant that that was a must...because he certainly didn't care. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Yep, I definitely see your point. Can you explain why men are more apt to get upset over a PA rather than an EA? I wouldn't have such an issue admitting to an EA, because I do feel like my H wouldn't be as upset...just not certain why that is from a mans point of view!? Because evolution and social requirements makes men not want to physically share their women. It is a knock against the man when a woman steps out on him. A woman never doubts who the mother of her child is. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I have no plans to tell him because I know he couldn't deal with it. It would break him and our family into. I am trying to control everything and that's why I've told no one. I don't know why the OM told family....but they are in another state, so hopefully nothing will ever get back. I don't think he'll be a problem. We had a friendship first and he knows I'm normally not a bad person. I don't think he'd hurt me like that. How can you think that your affair will never come out? So many affairs have come to light even decades later. How can you guarantee that yours never will? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 What I get from reading this is your so awesome and your husband is so weak and codependent that he would fall apart from knowing you aren't the woman he believes you to be. I know you will say that isn't what you're saying....But it is, you know? Just go back and read it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 Because evolution and social requirements makes men not want to physically share their women. It is a knock against the man when a woman steps out on him. A woman never doubts who the mother of her child is. What do you mean by social requirements, road? I've read a lot where men have an A for sex....no emotions involved, yet most women want the emotions involved and it isn't only about the sex! I guess in my case, I'd say it was sex because I would think about that afterwards...and there wasn't much emotion involved....A little bit but nothing more than caring about another human....well let me not kid myself....maybe a touch more than that considering I did have sex with him. But my point is I didn't cry or have sad feelings for him when I ended it. I missed him or I guess the attention for a bit but now I'm okay and can't say that I really miss him any longer. Maybe I'm looking at it incorrect!? Not sure if what I've said even makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 What I get from reading this is your so awesome and your husband is so weak and codependent that he would fall apart from knowing you aren't the woman he believes you to be. I know you will say that isn't what you're saying....But it is, you know? Just go back and read it. Not weak in general! No! But family related...yes it'd make him weak to know I screwed up this big -- it would tear him apart. I'm obviously not an awesome person!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 How can you think that your affair will never come out? So many affairs have come to light even decades later. How can you guarantee that yours never will? I just can't see anyone finding out about it. There's no proof/records per say, anywhere. I obviously can't guarantee that it won't come to light but I am confident that it will not. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 I understand the paternity. The OM and I never exchanged bodily fluids. I know that's difficult for some to believe and if I didn't take caution it would've happened because the OM did try to pull a fast one on that....but I made sure that didn't happen. I'm not saying that makes anything better, I'm only saying that we did use protection. And yes, I know condoms don't protect against everything. You seem to not know: That pre-ejaculation fluid can contain semen That a penis during foreplay will leak PEF That leaking on the outside of the VJ allows the semen to get access to flow north into fertile lands That riding a penis without a condom the same PEF will leak into the VJ, so if the OM waits till he is ready to ejaculate before he puts on a condom has reduce the protection against pregnancy Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 My apologies. I was referring to semen. Yes, we did exchange saliva! I know some diseases, such as herpes, can be spread from kissing as well. Sorry I misspoke. I was only referring to cum/semen. no to the blow job. Again, I know how unusual having an affair is and actually thinking and using protection but I was adamant that that was a must...because he certainly didn't care. so it was preplanned sex...you had time to tell him to use protection....you had time to think about it and preplan what you were about to do...and he did not care...because to him you were just sex...oh i get it ...trust me I get it and you do not think your husband has the right to know what you did and who you became? If your husband had done the things you have done...would you want to know...and would you still stay? I am not talking about financially or the kids or the church...or the family...I am talking about how would you really feel if you were married to a person JUST LIKE YOU? and what if you found out about this 5 years from now? I know you don't want to tell... life lessons...I understand you are frightened.....but if you truly want to save your marriage...you must be willing to lose it....you cannot heal it if you continue to lie. Yes...there are cheaters who never tell that they cheated..they live a life of secrecy and lies But let me ask you Why did you come to loveshack? What is it you want to know? what do you expect from the rest of us here? Did you come here wanting validation for your choices? or did you come here truly seeking how to heal your relationship with your husband? Because right now....I think you came here wanting everyone to tell you you are doing great and making the right choices and there are other posters who might agree with you...but the majority of the loveshack population disagrees that you are handling this the right way...and as long as you continue to try to convince us that you are doing what's best for your husband....you will continue to have people disagree with you. No one wants to see you hurt...and no one wants you to continue to hurt your husband. We have walked this road....and we don't want to see you going off the cliff you are headed for 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 You seem to not know: That pre-ejaculation fluid can contain semen That a penis during foreplay will leak PEF That leaking on the outside of the VJ allows the semen to get access to flow north into fertile lands That riding a penis without a condom the same PEF will leak into the VJ, so if the OM waits till he is ready to ejaculate before he puts on a condom has reduce the protection against pregnancy Yes, I know all that. As I stated, we used a condom. He didn't put his penis in me until he had the condom on. Yes he tried to without putting it on and thank goodness I realized at that moment that he didn't have it on. The only fluids exchanged were our saliva. I didn't go down on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted March 23, 2017 Author Share Posted March 23, 2017 so it was preplanned sex...you had time to tell him to use protection....you had time to think about it and preplan what you were about to do...and he did not care...because to him you were just sex...oh i get it ...trust me I get it Yes I guess it was kind of planned and no, he didn't care. and you do not think your husband has the right to know what you did and who you became? He does have a right but as I said, it would break him. If your husband had done the things you have done...would you want to know...and would you still stay? I wouldn't want to know. Before I had the A., I probably would've answered this differently but no, I only would want to know if he fell in love with another woman. I am not talking about financially or the kids or the church...or the family...I am talking about how would you really feel if you were married to a person JUST LIKE YOU? and what if you found out about this 5 years from now? I know you don't want to tell... life lessons...I understand you are frightened.....but if you truly want to save your marriage...you must be willing to lose it....you cannot heal it if you continue to lie. I'm not willing to lose my marriage. Yes...there are cheaters who never tell that they cheated..they live a life of secrecy and lies But let me ask you Why did you come to loveshack? What is it you want to know? what do you expect from the rest of us here? Did you come here wanting validation for your choices? or did you come here truly seeking how to heal your relationship with your husband? I initially came to get everything off my chest because I couldn't stand not being able to let this out. Because right now....I think you came here wanting everyone to tell you you are doing great and making the right choices and there are other posters who might agree with you...but the majority of the loveshack population disagrees that you are handling this the right way...and as long as you continue to try to convince us that you are doing what's best for your husband....you will continue to have people disagree with you. No one wants to see you hurt...and no one wants you to continue to hurt your husband. We have walked this road....and we don't want to see you going off the cliff you are headed for I bolder my answers above so that I could answer them easier. I do appreciate all of the advice you all have provided. All of your advice is what really opened my eyes to end the affair or else I would probably still be in it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 One thing has kinda bugged me throughout your posting, early on you stated something about just ignoring your AP, but he deserves to know why you want to end it....But your husband doesn't? What does that really say about how much you respect your husband? Less then AP since you've shown AP more respect. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Yes, I know all that. As I stated, we used a condom. He didn't put his penis in me until he had the condom on. Yes he tried to without putting it on and thank goodness I realized at that moment that he didn't have it on. The only fluids exchanged were our saliva. I didn't go down on him. Life Lessons, You surprise me. As Mrs Adams has pointed out, your first encounter was not something that swept you along and up. You planned this out and made sure he or you? brought and had protection. This takes your cheating to a whole new level. In your past posts you made out that this was unplanned, just happen, you did not really want it. We now know that is not so. You had time to think about it. This is what you wanted. Now I ask you, do you not now think that you should look at yourself, and ask yourself just how broken you are? Not only the premeditated affair, but now the clear actions not to tell and confess to your husband. You need to grow up. You may get away with this, but I think your AP was used by you as well. He may not sit well having this done to him. I think the first thing you need to do is recognize just how morally bad you have become, and work to get yourself moral again. Regain your self worth. The only path to that is to admit to yourself, and then your loved ones what you have done. You can argue all you want, but you will pay a price for this, and I think the person who will pay heaviest is you. You just do not see it now. We here can talk until we are blue, life is going to have to show you. Of all the lies you have said and done for this, the worst and biggest is to yourself. Think on what you have become, and ask if yourself if you cannot learn and try and go back to the woman that you once were when you first married. I wish you luck..... Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Life lessons, I think you underestimate your husband. I am sure he has strength that you do not know about. People will surprise you in what they can endure, and what they can forgive and live with. You cannot assume he will never find out. If I was you, and wish to keep to your present course, I would at least write out a timeline, think you are already, and also write a letter to him telling him what and how you were thinking at this time. May go a long way to help ease his hurt and pain, but in any case, it may also lead you to confess. I wish you luck..... I think that this is very good advise. If your husband doesn't find out for a few years, or it you do change your mind and confess in a few years, your husband will probable want and need these details that by then, you may have forgotten. It has been mentioned numerous times that the pain and revelation will be fresh for him at the time. Where, this will be something that you have long since dealt with in the... possible distant past. Your current memory and mindset will be what he will be possible seeking to understand and deal with. It may also help you sort some things out as well. May also note, that I have heard of a few cases where the betrayed spouse knew about the betrayal long before they confront the wayward. Often, they are watching, waiting, and hoping the wayward initiates the recovery process with a confession. I can remember one in particular where the Wayward found out in a circumstantial conversation and comment from the Betrayed Spouse that they had known about the affair before it had ended. As I recall this revelation was well beyond 5 or 6 years after the fact. The Betrayed spouse had actually long since assumed that the wayward knew that he knew about the affair and that is what had prompted the affair to end. If I correctly recall, the wayward had actually struggling with tremendous fear and guilt the entire time.... There is more... but... the final lessoned learned that was expressed by the former wayward ... does not seem to be one that you are ready to embrace yet. Actually, the more I think about it... there are a lot of stories where the Betrayed Spouses end up finding out and knowing about the affairs in secret with out the Waywards thinking that they have been discovered. Usually, a lot of them just end up living with the pain in silence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted March 24, 2017 Author Share Posted March 24, 2017 One thing has kinda bugged me throughout your posting, early on you stated something about just ignoring your AP, but he deserves to know why you want to end it....But your husband doesn't? What does that really say about how much you respect your husband? Less then AP since you've shown AP more respect. Yes, that honestly bugs me as well. I obviously wasn't really thinking in the right mind set when I made that statement. The way I looked at it originally was that since he was good enough for me to have sex with, I owe him an explanation....but when I thought more about that, I finally came to the realization that...no, he's not really a good person or else he wouldn't have continually chased me, knowing I was married. I didn't realize how unfair that statement was until after I made it. I know it looks bad when I look back in it now. Not that it matters, but I didn't give the OM an explanation....that's why he's still trying to contact me to find out what's going on. Trust me, I know all of this is so unfair to my husband. He deserves so much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 sweetheart....here's the sad truth...you and i were willing to lose our marriages when we had sex with another man you already made that choice...I made that choice the difference between us is this....I only had sex with my ap one time...and it was not preplanned.... and i told my husband what i had done...expecting that i would lose everything and you wont tell your husband...because you wont risk it. You and i are evil tarnished women....so I am not placing myself above you in any way but i am telling you that i... at age 28...told my husband I betrayed him and humbled myself before him and gave him the choice to keep me...or divorce me and 33 years later...i am happier than i have ever been my affair took away my innocence....and i can never get that back but my husband gave me the gift of reconciliation....and it made me love him and respect him more than ever. It showed me the kind of man he really is....and i will never risk losing him again. I know how lucky I am...how blessed I am and i will never again take this for granted. You will do what you want to do...but i want you to understand this one thing....you are doing it for YOU and not for your husband. You have convinced yourself this is for him....it is not....this is for life lessons and in this choice you continue to be the woman you became when you decided to cheat in the first place...when you planned each and every sexual encounter...when you lied and stole time away from your family to plan your sexual encounters.... I only met my AP one time...but i lied...and I took time away from my family to meet him...and i met him to go to lunch...not to go to bed with him. You can lie to yourself...and you can lie to others here...but you cant lie to me because i too am just like you 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted March 24, 2017 Author Share Posted March 24, 2017 I respect you Mrs Adams...I honestly do! As I do dead soul! You girls have taken a huge risk...losing your husbands and family. Can any of you tell me the reasons you would NOT tell the BS? Or is black and white to you all? Certainly there are at least a couple of reasons why you wouldn't tell the BS!? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Yes, that honestly bugs me as well. I obviously wasn't really thinking in the right mind set when I made that statement. The way I looked at it originally was that since he was good enough for me to have sex with, I owe him an explanation....but when I thought more about that, I finally came to the realization that...no, he's not really a good person or else he wouldn't have continually chased me, knowing I was married. I didn't realize how unfair that statement was until after I made it. I know it looks bad when I look back in it now. Not that it matters, but I didn't give the OM an explanation....that's why he's still trying to contact me to find out what's going on. Trust me, I know all of this is so unfair to my husband. He deserves so much better. No doubt he deserves better, the thing is you have the power to give it to him, but again you pick yourself, just as in the affair. You get better by doing better. I see nothing, from what you're saying here, better. Like you my wife had an affair, like you she felt it had gone undetected. She thought she could fix it and not confess. But what she didn't plan on is how it broke her down, how it created a wedge between us as she fear saying too much or the wrong thing. Eventually, she said the wrong thing and all those little things that she thought went unnoticed made perfect sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 (edited) I respect you Mrs Adams...I honestly do! As I do dead soul! You girls have taken a huge risk...losing your husbands and family. Can any of you tell me the reasons you would NOT tell the BS? Or is black and white to you all? Certainly there are at least a couple of reasons why you wouldn't tell the BS!? There you go again, looking for rationalizations to keep your husband in the dark after you had your fun w OM. It sounds to me that you still aren't thinking right. You already admitted several times on here that your husband deserves better, how unfair it is to him that he doesn't know. So why don't you give him the truth. Otherwise you're a sham of a wife. Edited March 24, 2017 by Imajerk17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I respect you Mrs Adams...I honestly do! As I do dead soul! You girls have taken a huge risk...losing your husbands and family. Can any of you tell me the reasons you would NOT tell the BS? Or is black and white to you all? Certainly there are at least a couple of reasons why you wouldn't tell the BS!? Your thread peaked my interest and I looked up to confess or not after an affair. According to the article I read, you risk a 30 to 60% chance of a separation or divorce after confessing. So, yes, the odds are not too great. I guess you lied and decieved during the affair so you have the skill to carry on the lie. I guess it comes down to how much you respect your husband? Obviously not much as you had an affair. So, you want to continue disrespecting him by not telling him what type of woman you really are behind his back. I will agree with the few, if I my wife had not told me I would never know. No one has ever approached me about her affair. I could have continued in ignorant bliss and never been the wiser. But, is a marriage built on lies? Yes, confessing may indeed cost you your marriage, but surely you knew that when you were planning your sexual liaison with your affair partner. It must have been worth your marriage at least at the time. Even if it cost you your marriage, don't you respect your husband enough to tell him the truth? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I respect you Mrs Adams...I honestly do! As I do dead soul! You girls have taken a huge risk...losing your husbands and family. Can any of you tell me the reasons you would NOT tell the BS? Or is black and white to you all? Certainly there are at least a couple of reasons why you wouldn't tell the BS!? Reasons I would NOT tell my husband I cheated on him 1.fear 2. selfishness Reasons I WOULD tell my husband I cheated on him 1. it is the right thing to do 2.I want to humble myself before him and let him make the choice best for him to show him i am truly sorry for what i have done 3. gaining my self respect 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 By the way LL no one..absolutely no one knew I met the om that day I could have gone the rest of my life and never told my husband..because the om certainly would not have told I told my mother first...I told her what i had done and then i told my husband and my husband turned to my mother for help and support and guidance she has never brought this subject up to me again...and not to my husband but we both give credit to my mom for helping us and keeping us together I had two little babies.....and we were poor I would have had to take my babies home and live with my parents...and john would have had to move in with his parents...had we separated We never told his parents...they both died never knowing what i had done to their son they both died thinking i was a wonderful woman.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 There you go again, looking for rationalizations to keep your husband in the dark after you had your fun w OM. It sounds to me that you still aren't thinking right. You already admitted several times on here that your husband deserves better, how unfair it is to him that he doesn't know. So why don't you give him the truth. Otherwise you're a sham of a wife. I realize that my tone was overly harsh and I apologize. But I am imagining what this is all like for your husband right now, not having any idea what his wife was up to. I am so glad I am not him! I do hope you do the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I think I've answered some of these questions earlier in the thread but nothing has changed in my marriage. My husband has noticed no changes because there has been no noticeable changes. Yes, my husband is content and happy to be in this marriage. (I know he wouldn't be if I confessed) no change at all in sex. It's the same as it's always been. I have no issues at all with my husband. He is a great husband, father and friend. There's no unresolved issues between us. No noticeable changes.... That's just Sad... It that a commentary on you, your husband, or your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Other man's family knows your secret, you will never be safe and I don't think you really get that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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