MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Mrs. John Adams]

Other man's family knows your secret, you will never be safe and I don't think you really get that.

 

If someone else knows...you always risk that they will tell

 

and then what do you do?

 

I knew only two people knew

and i confessed

 

this situation is dangerous...but Lessons learned knows her husband better than we do....and she gets to call the shots

 

until someone else tells

[QuietDan]

I respect you Mrs Adams...I honestly do! As I do dead soul! You girls have taken a huge risk...losing your husbands and family.

 

Can any of you tell me the reasons you would NOT tell the BS? Or is black and white to you all? Certainly there are at least a couple of reasons why you wouldn't tell the BS!?

 

I suppose, I can only think of one two reasons. In the case where there is a past history of physical abuse and violence against others or self. Both cases usually require intervention and professional help.

[road]

so it was preplanned sex...you had time to tell him to use protection....you had time to think about it and preplan what you were about to do...and he did not care...because to him you were just sex...oh i get it ...trust me I get it

 

 

and you do not think your husband has the right to know what you did and who you became?

 

If your husband had done the things you have done...would you want to know...and would you still stay?

 

I am not talking about financially or the kids or the church...or the family...I am talking about how would you really feel if you were married to a person JUST LIKE YOU?

 

and what if you found out about this 5 years from now?

 

I know you don't want to tell... life lessons...I understand you are frightened.....but if you truly want to save your marriage...you must be willing to lose it....you cannot heal it if you continue to lie.

 

Yes...there are cheaters who never tell that they cheated..they live a life of secrecy and lies

 

But let me ask you

 

Why did you come to loveshack? What is it you want to know? what do you expect from the rest of us here? Did you come here wanting validation for your choices? or did you come here truly seeking how to heal your relationship with your husband?

 

Because right now....I think you came here wanting everyone to tell you you are doing great and making the right choices

 

 

and there are other posters who might agree with you...but the majority of the loveshack population disagrees that you are handling this the right way...and as long as you continue to try to convince us that you are doing what's best for your husband....you will continue to have people disagree with you.

 

No one wants to see you hurt...and no one wants you to continue to hurt your husband.

 

We have walked this road....and we don't want to see you going off the cliff you are headed for

 

If she wanted the best for her BH she would tell him. She is

doing what is best for her.

 

 

Also she is making herself get away without having to face any

consequences for cheating on her BH. OP, posting on Loveshack

is not facing the consequences. For you it is trying to get approval

for not telling your BH.

 

 

Confessing to us that you cheated on you BH is not making amends

to your BH.

 

 

It is also not giving you the skills to not step out again on your BH.

Time after time I have seen too many WW's that had more affairs

because they never told their BH. Sad to say many WW need their

BH's support and observation to keep them for having the next

affair.

 

 

It is called the need to have an accountability partner.

[road]

Your thread peaked my interest and I looked up to confess or not after an affair. According to the article I read, you risk a 30 to 60% chance of a separation or divorce after confessing. So, yes, the odds are not too great.

 

I guess you lied and decieved during the affair so you have the skill to carry on the lie.

 

I guess it comes down to how much you respect your husband? Obviously not much as you had an affair. So, you want to continue disrespecting him by not telling him what type of woman you really are behind his back.

 

I will agree with the few, if I my wife had not told me I would never know. No one has ever approached me about her affair. I could have continued in ignorant bliss and never been the wiser.

 

But, is a marriage built on lies? Yes, confessing may indeed cost you your marriage, but surely you knew that when you were planning your sexual liaison with your affair partner. It must have been worth your marriage at least at the time.

 

Even if it cost you your marriage, don't you respect your husband enough to tell him the truth?

 

Easy to say the affair was worth more then the marriage. True

to because they did it knowing that they may get caught. But they

cheated anyway.

 

 

How easily the WS convinces themselves that they never would

get caught. And when the do.

[road]

No doubt he deserves better, the thing is you have the power to give it to him, but again you pick yourself, just as in the affair.

 

You get better by doing better. I see nothing, from what you're saying here, better.

 

Like you my wife had an affair, like you she felt it had gone undetected. She thought she could fix it and not confess. But what she didn't plan on is how it broke her down, how it created a wedge between us as she fear saying too much or the wrong thing. Eventually, she said the wrong thing and all those little things that she thought went unnoticed made perfect sense.

 

 

 

So true, very true.

[road]

I respect you Mrs Adams...I honestly do! As I do dead soul! You girls have taken a huge risk...losing your husbands and family.

 

Can any of you tell me the reasons you would NOT tell the BS? Or is black and white to you all? Certainly there are at least a couple of reasons why you wouldn't tell the BS!?

 

There is no reason to deny your BH the truth. To do so is to condemn

him to live his life based on a lie.

[JustJoe]

One of the biggest myths of cheaters is that the BS will never find out. You can see dozens of websites where people CLAIM that their Bs's didn't find out for years or ever. Very, very few of these claims stand the test of truth. infidelity is almost always discovered.

Remember the old saying, "three people can keep a secret ....if two of them are dead", is very appropriate. You HOPE nobody else will tell, but you don't KNOW nobody else will tell. You know, your OM knows, and apparently some of his family knows........this is far too many knowledgeable people for you to be so certain that the affair will remain a secret. You should already be preparing for disclosure, and should be concentrating on the idea of disclosing the affair , yourself.

As others have pointed out, it will be far, far, far worse if your husband ever finds out from another source.

Another thing...you are a deceitful cheater and your affair will not be over as long as it is still a secret. A year...5 years...10 years won't matter, the shock of the cheating will be as fresh as the first day you gave your sex to another man.

[JustJoe]

this may sound harsh...but it is meant to show what you have to look forward to. Your marriage is a sham, and you are a sham as a wife and mother, until you begin to act like a true and honest woman, again. I hope you do the one thing that will truly end the affair and begin the process of healing from it. Thank you.

[JustJoe]

BTW, I was the OM in a long term affair, while in the Army, and I have seen dozens of cheaters, and very few of them ever believed they would be caught.......but all of them were eventually.

To show you an example of what i mean. I was with my MW and stopped to get gas. A woman , who knew me by sight....but who I had never met, and did not recognize, saw us together and told her husband , who was a fellow officer. So you see, it isn't even who you know.....it's who knows you.

If you have been in contact with this OM, for any length of time.....you would be wise to bet that there are more people than you realize, who know or suspect.

[JustJoe]

Sorry, multiple post

Edited March 24, 2017 by JustJoe

[road]

BTW, I was the OM in a long term affair, while in the Army, and I have seen dozens of cheaters, and very few of them ever believed they would be caught.......but all of them were eventually.

To show you an example of what i mean. I was with my MW and stopped to get gas. A woman , who knew me by sight....but who I had never met, and did not recognize, saw us together and told her husband , who was a fellow officer. So you see, it isn't even who you know.....it's who knows you.

If you have been in contact with this OM, for any length of time.....you would be wise to bet that there are more people than you realize, who know or suspect.

 

 

 

 

For some reason I could not multi quote

 

 

 

 

Sorry, multiple post

 

 

 

 

No need to apologize and I hope OP comprehends the importance

of that post.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Can any of you tell me the reasons you would NOT tell the BS? Or is black and white to you all? Certainly there are at least a couple of reasons why you wouldn't tell the BS!?

 

There are many reasons for not telling him:

 

You don't respect him

You don't respect your marriage

You are okay with your marriage being much 'lesser than'

You are okay with a marriage that is based on lies, deceit, & manipulation

You are okay hearing your husband tell you how much he loves you, and what an awesome wife you are while you know it is not the truth

You are okay celebrating anniversaries and V-Days knowing it is all a fraud

 

In my situation my wife had an affair, ended it, and then swept it under the rug for 8 years. After 8 years of living with this huge burden of a secret/lie she confessed. She was tired of not living an authenticate life! Without her confession I would have never found out. My entire adult life would've been lived under a false reality.

 

Our entire 10-year marriage leading up to D-Day is now dead to me. All of the "good" she did to earn herself penitence during those 8 years cannot overcome the false reality that I was forced to live. She can't understand that because to her it was "real". It was real to her because she had all of the pieces to the puzzle; I did not. I didn't even know there was a puzzle!

 

If you decide not to tell then I hope you have a hard cold soul to be able to live with yourself. Otherwise, you too, will have to live with this burden. And it will manifest itself in subtle ways; depression, health issues, eating disorders, self-medication, etc. You will also be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Cephalopod]

Your thread peaked my interest and I looked up to confess or not after an affair. According to the article I read, you risk a 30 to 60% chance of a separation or divorce after confessing. So, yes, the odds are not too great.

 

I guess you lied and decieved during the affair so you have the skill to carry on the lie.

 

I guess it comes down to how much you respect your husband? Obviously not much as you had an affair. So, you want to continue disrespecting him by not telling him what type of woman you really are behind his back.

 

I will agree with the few, if I my wife had not told me I would never know. No one has ever approached me about her affair. I could have continued in ignorant bliss and never been the wiser.

 

But, is a marriage built on lies? Yes, confessing may indeed cost you your marriage, but surely you knew that when you were planning your sexual liaison with your affair partner. It must have been worth your marriage at least at the time.

 

Even if it cost you your marriage, don't you respect your husband enough to tell him the truth?

 

And if I may I would like to add to this

 

As the months and years go by, she will continue to lose more respect for him. She will do all the work fixing herself but her husband will remain the same... continuing to do the things or not do the things that caused her to get bored and seek excitement with another man.

 

The disrespect and resentment will fuel each other and compound each other as she tries to change but he doesn't. She will cheat again down the road...or walk.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Even if it cost you your marriage, don't you respect your husband enough to tell him the truth?

 

The thing is... the affair HAS cost her the marriage. The marriage has been irreparably damaged by the affair. It's just that only one spouse is acutely aware of it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I suppose, I can only think of one two reasons. In the case where there is a past history of physical abuse and violence against others or self. Both cases usually require intervention and professional help.

 

If this were the actual case....If he is an abusive husband....I would divorce him and probably never tell him.

 

If he is an abusive husband....it changes everything about this relationship

[aliveagain]

Life lessons how can you be so sure that your affair partner will keep your affair secret? He has already told his family, you wrote in your first post "he has a couple of family members that know about me," a couple is a minimum of two other people. I can guarantee you that they are all talking about you right now. Your other man is single and a player(he showed you all the cheater apps, there is no way this is his first rodeo, you learn how to do stuff like this by doing it). Players like him brag about their conquests, they get more bragging points for banging a married woman.

 

His family members owe you no allegiance specially now that they all believe you used O/M and now your dumping him. He already told you he was getting feelings for you, all bets are off when you hurt a family member. They are absolutely talking about you and I think it's only a matter of time before one of them talks to someone that knows your husband. That's how I found out about my ex's 2 year affair through a third party that was mad at my ex. That is why I keep bring up this one point, how can you be so sure that he or his family members will keep your secret? I wouldn't bet my marriage on the integrity of a guy that is a player and dates married women. Guys like him don't have the same morals as your husband. What does it say about you, you were trying to get this single man to fall in love with you yet you never intended to leave your husband.

Edited March 24, 2017 by aliveagain

[MickeyBill]

... Again, circumstances are preventing us from seeing each other often as of now but that will change soon.

.

 

I noticed this in your original post. Did mean that you will be seeing more him at work in the future?

[JustJoe]

Life Lessons, it may seem to you that we are ganging up on you, but that isn't true. What we are trying to do is make you aware of the false ideas you currently have about your situation. This guy is a single player, I was the same thing , so I KNOW he has told others about you, already. That is what players do. Think for yourself......have you ever heard of an honorable player?

[JustJoe]

I reread your post and it seems as if this affair is job related. If so, discovery is, for all practical purposes, a certainty.

[Life lessons]

I noticed this in your original post. Did mean that you will be seeing more him at work in the future?

 

There "was" a possibility but I have now changed office locations.

 

In regards to his family knowing, they live out of state-- approx. 10 hours away. they have no clue what circles I run in. The most they could know is the location of my job. Regardless, I am looking to switch jobs, although I know I have taken the right precautions to never see him again. There is no chance at all of seeing him.

 

I don't know what the future holds and I may tell my H, in the future but bows not the time. I am working on a timeline, just in case I forget the details.

 

Yes, the OM could very well be a player. I don't know! Facts you presented are correct.

 

I read a post questioning what I would do if he emails me an ultimatum and as it stands, his email will be returned back because he's blocked. He's also blocked on all social media, what's app and other apps....(the apps we used to message) The only possible way he can contact me is my office and I screen all calls...BUT if some chance he gave me that ultimatum, I feel like I would have to speak with him and settle it so that he doesn't expose me.

[Life lessons]

I reread your post and it seems as if this affair is job related. If so, discovery is, for all practical purposes, a certainty.

 

Yes, he comes into my work...well did. I'm sure he'll be back...maybe even within the next couple of weeks but I've taken steps to make certain he doesn't know my new location in the building. It's a large enough company, so I'm confident he will not know where to look once he sees I'm not in my old office.

[road]

Yes, he comes into my work...well did. I'm sure he'll be back...maybe even within the next couple of weeks but I've taken steps to make certain he doesn't know my new location in the building. It's a large enough company, so I'm confident he will not know where to look once he sees I'm not in my old office.

 

And when he asks people at work where are you they are not

going to tell?

[DKT3]

Yes, he comes into my work...well did. I'm sure he'll be back...maybe even within the next couple of weeks but I've taken steps to make certain he doesn't know my new location in the building. It's a large enough company, so I'm confident he will not know where to look once he sees I'm not in my old office.

 

A short time back we had a poster who's co-workers called her husband to inform him of her office romance. I can't remember the username, maybe someone else does.

 

I've heard of discovery coming in all kinds of unforeseen ways, why? Because unless you can teleport from your home or office into your APs bed someone else knows.

 

My wife ended her affair after a "friend" of mine seen her and the other guy together out of town. She was sure he would tell me, he only did after we were divorced. But he said he never realized what was going on and never really noticed that other guy.

Edited March 24, 2017 by DKT3

[Heathen]

WOW. that's some pressure. No wonder you are here. Your silence forces you to give up so much power. Your life as it is could change in a instant. You are now running from the OM. Changing offices, changing jobs, always on the run. Honestly, if he knows where you work and the car you drive, all he has to do is wait.

 

The OM controls your marriage. And he is single, so there is no counter threat. This is your greatest danger. He will soon be in your area on a regular basis. If he decides to tell you to have sex with him and hints he may tell your husband, what will you do? You will either have to confess or resume the affair.

 

You are counting on the friendship to a man who could care less about your husband and can rock your world to its very core. I am not saying you should confess, but dang, I don't envy your life, or the boulder that is hanging over your husbands head.

 

Maybe everyone is wrong and your relationship is solid with this guy (for now). however instead of waxing poetic about your friendship and how you miss the OM, perhaps you should be hoping that he gets hit by a semi.

 

(OK the semi is a little rough, how about a mild disease that causes permanent amnesia).

 

Prayers for your family

Edited March 24, 2017 by Heathen

[QuietDan]

Yes, he comes into my work...well did. I'm sure he'll be back...maybe even within the next couple of weeks but I've taken steps to make certain he doesn't know my new location in the building. It's a large enough company, so I'm confident he will not know where to look once he sees I'm not in my old office.

So, during all of the time spent talking between the two of you, or, work related encounters, he never found out what your full name was, "your last name". You never once mentioned your husband's first name? Even before the affair officially started? Hopefully he's not the obsessive stalker type. I wonder if he ever followed you home before the affair officially started or while you were in the middle of it? Hopefully he handles the rejection well.