Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 You say your husband is a good man. Do you know what happens when a good man breaks? Honestly. I don't!!! But I can imagine nothing good will come from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dub Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Several times over the course of months. Do you plan on telling your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Do you plan on telling your husband? Not certain yet. I think it would make things worse. It's crazy me saying this but I don't want to hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
Dub Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Not certain yet. I think it would make things worse. It's crazy me saying this but I don't want to hurt him. So you plan on keeping this secret for the rest of your life? Your husband and you would both be living a lie if that's the case. Your husband could be on his deathbed in thirty years thinking that he was blessed with a loving and loyal wife but that would not be the truth at all 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 So you don't want to hurt him. Is it going to hurt him when he discovers his wife has turned into an adulteress? You want to know how to stop this? Well, the answer is easy: JUST STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 So you plan on keeping this secret for the rest of your life? Your husband and you would both be living a lie if that's the case. Your husband could be on his deathbed in thirty years thinking that he was blessed with a loving and loyal wife but that would not be the truth at all Some people are like that guy from the matrix that wants back in. "Ignorance is bliss" if you asked a man would he rather think he had a great life or know his life was a lie on his death bad, I would suspect most people would choose the former. Happiness can certainly be achieved through ignorance and apathy. Happiness is the dream of all after all. I could go into a religious rant here, but I'll save that for another section in the forum should it come up. Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Honestly. I don't!!! But I can imagine nothing good will come from it. I'm witnessing it right now... and I will tell you it is the worst thing imaginable. Please make the decision to stop before you get caught. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Not certain yet. I think it would make things worse. It's crazy me saying this but I don't want to hurt him. First things, first. End the A. Then let yourself heal from that a bit. One thing at a time. I'm not going to judge your decision to reveal or not. But I don't think you should worry about that right now. End the A. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Not certain yet. I think it would make things worse. It's crazy me saying this but I don't want to hurt him. Too late. You already have. Imagine not telling him, leaving him in the dark. Everytime you look into his eyes you know what you did. Everytime he does something to celebrate your love (anniversaries, Valentine's) you know it's based on a lie. Every time your husband makes loves to you you know there's someone else who's touched your body in the same way. How on God's green earth can you live like that? Confess what you did and let the chips fall where they may. You owe it to your husband to make informed decisions and choices about the relationship with the woman he thought he married. You really owe him that much after what you did. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Not certain yet. I think it would make things worse. It's crazy me saying this but I don't want to hurt him. The longer that the affair goes on, the harder it will be for you to end it. You have already gone past the point of being able to end it without help. Unless you tell your husband the truth, you will not have the willpower to end it with the other man (OM) on your own. You need to tell your husband today. I assure you that ending it with the OM will be much easier once your husband knows. As for your husband being hurt, he already knows that something is wrong, he just does not know why. The energy and focus that you are giving to the OM came from the energy and focus that you use to give to your husband. The new and exciting sex that you get and give to the OM, makes sex with your husband now just same old same old sex, and your husband feels this. A major study showed that most divorces that resulted from affairs came about because of the changes in the marital relationship caused by the affair, without the cheated on spouse every finding out about the affair. Bottom line, you need to tell your husband about the affair now so that you can better be able to end the affair. The longer that the affair goes on, the less chance that your husband will be able to forgive you once he finds out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
starpower Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 What's your plan to end this? It can't be some half-hearted attempt, just so you can alleviate your guilt and tell yourself you tried. You say you love your husband and child above all else, above even this guy. Actions! No more excuses. How far are you willing to go to save your family? You risked so much and continue to do so for this guy. Are you willing to do the same for your husband? The choice is there for you to make. I would suggest to list down what you plan to do, to end this, and follow it through. Tell this guy you are going no contact, and not to contact you. Change your number, close any other lines of communication he has to you. I would suggest to quit your job too. I hope for your family that this is a genuine attempt to put them first, and do the right thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 By Life lessons I thought about ignoring the AP but I do think he deserves a reason considering he was good enough for me to be intimate with. It's that every time I try, I get sucked in by his words. By Blunt Your AP deserves nothing as he willingly chose to commit one of the worst marriage killers of all time with your eagerness. The fact that you want to give him considerations proves that you do not realize what it will take for your husband to even consider keeping you in his life. You and your AP WILLINGLY chose to do something that will affect your child and not in a positive way. If your AP was really put to the test you will find that he does not care much for your child. You may be different in that you care for you child but you put your selfishness first before your whole family. My guess is that you will put your child first at some times; your AP never will. By Life lessons I made the move to kiss him first. As far as sex. I guess I kinda made that happen as well. I made it happen because I did want it to happen because I felt we had the ea there. By Blunt Your integrity and character have been seriously damaged. You are a weak woman that is vulnerable for any good seducer to have his way with you. You need lots of professional help. Stop telling us how hard it is and start taking hard actions to save yourself and reduce the hurt you have caused your family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Originally Posted by BaileyB If it's hard to end the affair because you will see him at work, then you need to find another job. It's simply, one of the consequences of your poor judgment. By Life lessons I can't!! I'm hoping I can steer clear of him when he's there. I will try my best. By Blunt More proof that you are not ready for dong what it takes to maybe get an R with your husband. You value your job more than your husband and family. Do not walk but RUN to get all the help that you can to get yourself stronger. There is a chance that you can improve your marriage (if you R) in some areas. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Adulterers usually say things like, "I didn't want to hurt my partner". I truly don't understand this. I do get the concept of being drunk & getting carried away. One-night-stand kind of thing. I never have but I can wrap my head around that. When you're attracted to someone & you start talking & the emotions start warming-up....are you HONESTLY saying that you're husband never crossed your mind? I really don't understand how you can slowly build a relationship, talking, flirting, kissing, sex....& NEVER think about your husband or the consequences. Will you explain for me? I'm not attacking. I REALLY want to know. My logic just doesn't compute. If I'm going to be a little late home I think "better call my husband or he will worry". If I'm having a laugh with friends I think "I'll tell husband. He will find this really funny". Being a long term couple means that the other is always part of everything. How do you forget about him? Is it more, I REALLY like this feeling, I want more & more of this, I know it will destroy my husband, oh I shouldn't do this...but I REALLY want to...what are the chances of him finding out? What's the most convincing lie? Yes! I got away with it!!!! I'm going to do this again!!!! But...if that's the case, how can you not build contempt for your husband? My logic is, he loves me, he knows me, he will be worried, he will think.... if he doesn't aren't you thinking "he's so gullible! He doesn't notice the difference! How can he be so dumb & believe that lie? I stink of sex!!! He's so detached!! How can it not effect your marriage in a bad way? How does your husband not see a change? How do you not judge that? Please answer. I just don't understand affairs. I REALLY need to for my own sanity & I think answering these questions might help you face reality. Do you agree? If not, why not? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I don't love this other man. I have feelings and care but I don't love him so no what I'm doing with my family isn't boyfriend love. I don't want it to carry on. I want to end it. I really do! It's so difficult. I have tried several times, unsuccessfully, to stop contact. I know I need to stop it, I just have to figure out what to say. I thought about ignoring the AP but I do think he deserves a reason considering he was good enough for me to be intimate with. So you care about your AP's feelings (re: don't want him to feel ignored) because he was good enough for you to be intimate with BUT your own husband (who was good enough for you to MARRY) doesn't deserve to know the truth? Up until this point in the thread, I haven't read one line about your intentions to come clean. Your concerns are all about the AP. That is beyond sad. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Adulterers usually say things like, "I didn't want to hurt my partner". I truly don't understand this. I do get the concept of being drunk & getting carried away. One-night-stand kind of thing. I never have but I can wrap my head around that. When you're attracted to someone & you start talking & the emotions start warming-up....are you HONESTLY saying that you're husband never crossed your mind? I really don't understand how you can slowly build a relationship, talking, flirting, kissing, sex....& NEVER think about your husband or the consequences. Will you explain for me? I'm not attacking. I REALLY want to know. My logic just doesn't compute. If I'm going to be a little late home I think "better call my husband or he will worry". If I'm having a laugh with friends I think "I'll tell husband. He will find this really funny". Being a long term couple means that the other is always part of everything. How do you forget about him? Is it more, I REALLY like this feeling, I want more & more of this, I know it will destroy my husband, oh I shouldn't do this...but I REALLY want to...what are the chances of him finding out? What's the most convincing lie? Yes! I got away with it!!!! I'm going to do this again!!!! But...if that's the case, how can you not build contempt for your husband? My logic is, he loves me, he knows me, he will be worried, he will think.... if he doesn't aren't you thinking "he's so gullible! He doesn't notice the difference! How can he be so dumb & believe that lie? I stink of sex!!! He's so detached!! How can it not effect your marriage in a bad way? How does your husband not see a change? How do you not judge that? Please answer. I just don't understand affairs. I REALLY need to for my own sanity & I think answering these questions might help you face reality. Do you agree? If not, why not? They are under this misguided delusion that the truth is what creates the damage, when in fact it's the act of cheating. Being honest levels the playing field and allows the betrayed to make the best decision for themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 It would seem based on what you've shared that this man has pursued you, and groomed you, subtly taking steps to move further into the affair until you get so deep, it's difficult for you to understand how you got there or how to get out. This victim mentality needs to STOP! I mean seriously? A man (husband) is being cheated on here ... and you all are still acting like the cheating wife was the victim in all this because another 'evil man' did all the horrible things to 'trick' her? Is that the narrative these days? How about adults take responsibility for their actions. You cheated because you wanted to. Plain and simple. Stop with the victim painting for God's sake. If a man cheats, he is wrong. Fine. But if a woman cheats, another man must have conned her and she must have been vulnerable and taken advantage of? Really? Jesus Christ man. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 So you plan on keeping this secret for the rest of your life? Your husband and you would both be living a lie if that's the case. Your husband could be on his deathbed in thirty years thinking that he was blessed with a loving and loyal wife but that would not be the truth at all I honestly don't know at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 What's your plan to end this? It can't be some half-hearted attempt, just so you can alleviate your guilt and tell yourself you tried. You say you love your husband and child above all else, above even this guy. Actions! No more excuses. How far are you willing to go to save your family? You risked so much and continue to do so for this guy. Are you willing to do the same for your husband? The choice is there for you to make. I would suggest to list down what you plan to do, to end this, and follow it through. Tell this guy you are going no contact, and not to contact you. Change your number, close any other lines of communication he has to you. I would suggest to quit your job too. I hope for your family that this is a genuine attempt to put them first, and do the right thing. I'm going to go NC. I will be able to avoid him at work. We don't work together. Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Absolutely not. And I don't want to risk everything. That's why I am here and wanting to get it off my chest. Wrong platform. The place to get this off your chest would be ... and should be in front of your husband. Btw, no such thing as "I don't want to risk everything." Because you already did! Hiding games won't rewind what happened here. Do the right thing and let your husband know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 By Life lessons I thought about ignoring the AP but I do think he deserves a reason considering he was good enough for me to be intimate with. It's that every time I try, I get sucked in by his words. By Blunt Your AP deserves nothing as he willingly chose to commit one of the worst marriage killers of all time with your eagerness. The fact that you want to give him considerations proves that you do not realize what it will take for your husband to even consider keeping you in his life. You and your AP WILLINGLY chose to do something that will affect your child and not in a positive way. If your AP was really put to the test you will find that he does not care much for your child. You may be different in that you care for you child but you put your selfishness first before your whole family. My guess is that you will put your child first at some times; your AP never will. By Life lessons I made the move to kiss him first. As far as sex. I guess I kinda made that happen as well. I made it happen because I did want it to happen because I felt we had the ea there. By Blunt Your integrity and character have been seriously damaged. You are a weak woman that is vulnerable for any good seducer to have his way with you. You need lots of professional help. Stop telling us how hard it is and start taking hard actions to save yourself and reduce the hurt you have caused your family. You're right. He doesn't deserve a reason. Yes I am terribly damaged. I realize that. As stated previously, I'm normally not weak. I have men flirt with me almost daily and have never done something like this. I really don't know why I put myself in this position this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Life lessons Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 This victim mentality needs to STOP! I mean seriously? A man (husband) is being cheated on here ... and you all are still acting like the cheating wife was the victim in all this because another 'evil man' did all the horrible things to 'trick' her? Is that the narrative these days? How about adults take responsibility for their actions. You cheated because you wanted to. Plain and simple. Stop with the victim painting for God's sake. If a man cheats, he is wrong. Fine. But if a woman cheats, another man must have conned her and she must have been vulnerable and taken advantage of? Really? Jesus Christ man. I know it is my fault as well. we're both to blame. No he shouldn't have pursued me and no I shouldn't have let it happen. We're both at fault. Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Not certain yet. I think it would make things worse. It's crazy me saying this but I don't want to hurt him. So, by admission you are a cheater. EA + PA .. not just that but you initiated the kiss and the sex. Okay. By admission, you are also selfish, because you said if your husband had done this to you, you would divorce him. You say you know it is wrong (and not a one time mishap) but can't seem to stop it. And now you are saying you will purposely continue to deceive your husband (lie by omission), so by definition you are also a liar. All that = Not honorable. The person you claim to be and the person you really are ... not the same person my friend. You may wear a different hat in real life but deep down you know what kind of a person you are (or have become). Is that the role model you want your son/daughter to see? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I know it is my fault as well. we're both to blame. No he shouldn't have pursued me and no I shouldn't have let it happen. We're both at fault. Men come-on to me a lot too. I'm aware that men look me up & down when I'm out, shopping, whatever. It's no big deal. We've had the awful experience of friends of my husband having a few too many to drink & professing their undying love. Don't ALL women have these experiences? Single men want women. Single women want men. It's the whole coupling game isn't it? As an attractive human being members of the opposite sex (& a few of the same) are going to test your boundaries to see if you're available for sex. That's life! If someone's looking for a relationship or sex they will chase whoever seems interested & takes their fancy. What am I missing? Why is it HIS fault? Well, I get the whole moral "She's Married!! With a CHILD!!!" but isn't it your job to deter advances? He hasn't taken vows. He's single isn't he? As I said, I do get the whole moral thing but I also get the whole 'I'm single & want to hook-up & she was giving it' aspect too. I just don't think we live in a world where a randy single person should take equal responsibility in saying "No!". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 First of all, your AP is a player, has no honor and cares about no one except himself. Basically you are his play toy and he will be happy to play with you for months/years to come. Second, you don't have to tell your husband. All you have to do is keep doing what you are doing. Unless he is totally out in left field mentally, and in a world of his own, he will eventually catch on to your secret life. It takes some longer than others but be assured in time he will discover what is happening right under his nose. You don't think you are but you are leaving clues all over the place. Give him time, he'll wake up. For all you know he may already be on to it. Has he changed any at all lately? The biggest lie that a cheater can tell themselves is, "No one will ever know." And they continue to believe that lie until the day comes when someone they are hiding it from, finds out and does know. You know how good your AP makes you feel? Multiply that by 1000 and reverse it and that is how hurt your husband will feel when he finds out that the person he loved and trusted most in the world has ripped his heart out, thrown it on the floor, stomped on it and kicked it across the room. When he does find out then the good marriage you now enjoy will be over and never be the same even if you stay together. The majority on here are in favor of confessing to your spouse. I, on the other hand, think in some cases, confessing to and causing someone else unbearable pain in order to relieve a guilty conscience is wrong. On the other hand it is better to confess than to be caught. If you never confess are you absolutely sure your husband will never find out? You have built yourself a web of deceit and betrayal and only you can decide which choice to make. No matter which you chose, your world has been changed forever. I do wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
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