MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[NoCompass]

Honestly. If anything changed it has been very little. I'm the way I've always been. I don't know why you would say that I'm cold because we feel/felt differently through the A!?

 

Cold because either you have carefully covered all aspects of the affair (phones, texts, meets, timing, showers after, etc.) so your husband can't possibly find out anything [which is very calculative, manipulative, and devious] or your husband is so in love with you and trusting ... he wouldn't even check your phone logs and such [in which case, doing what you are doing to your loving husband is just cold hearted]. Cold either way. What stuns me is that you don't seem to be worried about your husband at all. All of your concerns are about AP's feelings, your job, your own needs basically. You don't say things like "I need some counseling" but rather insincere "Oh you are right" "Oh true. I was wrong" just to shut people up ... with absolutely no concrete plan to end this affair, seek professional help, or confess it to your husband to get things right.

 

You are an adult. You say you know what you are doing is wrong. Yet, you need someone else to tell you "Why not NOW! Why soon!" It doesn't seem like you want to end it. And then you say your AP deserves to know why the affair has ended but your husband doesn't deserve to know why her marriage ended and why you did what you did? I just find you insincere. From all indications, you just came here to let it out ... rather than fix the issue. I can't condone such behavior so this will be my last contribution to this thread.

[QuietDan]

Affairs do not happen in a vacuum. Affairs take time to conduct. Time usage usually impacts other commitments, things are prioritized, affair activities displace the time committed to other activities. Time given to other activities is shortened. Some activities are dropped in order to make time for the affair. You change your activities, your schedule, your thinking pattern, what you focus on, what you do not focus on... Do you give your full attention to all activities and conversations that you are involved in? Or, do you find yourself thinking about he OM? Are you preoccupied with the other man in your thoughts at all? If so, how you listen and respond to conversations will change. Your level of interactive engagement changes. You mentioned that you do feel guilty. This particular emotion affects how you will interact with your husband.

Have you ever avoided affectionate or intimate contact with your husband due to feeling guilty, unclean, undeserving?

There are so many small ways that your activities and interaction change. Other people such as your husband will respond to these changes. They may or may not realize many of these subtle changes. However, they are reacting to the changes. In order to make time for this affair, you are changing your direct or indirect interactions with your husband. This reduced level of overall interaction with your marriage, over time, will have a negative impact on it. Like anything, with less routine maintenance, things have a tendency to start to break down and fail...issues go unresolved, things are not done, promises not kept, frustration starts to build, anger, resentment, communication starts to shut down, more anger and resentment... passive aggressive behavior increases.... maybe your spouse never figures it out... but...next thing you know you are in a failing marriage and on the road to divorce.

[Jersey born raised]

Anyway,

 

You really need to do a lot reading and anciticipation. For example trickle truth (TT) which you already done on LoveShack to HeCantBreakme.

 

She provided you several threads to read including "Do Men Suffer As Much" and several books. You responded you had ready some it. Well, actually your first few posts on Loveshack where on that tread (starting with 115 I believe http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/612092-do-men-suffer-much. In these posts you state you know of a stituation not that it was you.

 

I am calling you on it because while it is no skin off me, to your BH it will be huge and if the adultery was not an instant deal breaker, repeated TT will be.

Understand any TT when discovered sets the clock and date back to exactly the time of discovery. Triggers will restart with a vengeance with compound interest in the triple digits.

 

So, you posted their first, why? Where you thinking if he was hurting as much as I am does it mean he will marry me??? I know what you posted on this thread will be your answer but because of your response to HeCantBreakMe why should I believe you? More important why should your husband?

 

A piece of advise I see here from time to time I decided is very true. First IC for both you and your husband then MC. One with a lot of experience with adultery that can help you deal with the why and the fall out.

 

Two final notes: there are always two POV in a relationships. Right now on the issue of adultery (and only there) his is the one that counts not your's.

 

Second your wedding vows, those where things that you promised to protect. In short they do not guard you, you guard them and you failed.

[Life lessons]

Cold because either you have carefully covered all aspects of the affair (phones, texts, meets, timing, showers after, etc.) so your husband can't possibly find out anything [which is very calculative, manipulative, and devious] or your husband is so in love with you and trusting ... he wouldn't even check your phone logs and such [in which case, doing what you are doing to your loving husband is just cold hearted]. Cold either way. What stuns me is that you don't seem to be worried about your husband at all. All of your concerns are about AP's feelings, your job, your own needs basically. You don't say things like "I need some counseling" but rather insincere "Oh you are right" "Oh true. I was wrong" just to shut people up ... with absolutely no concrete plan to end this affair, seek professional help, or confess it to your husband to get things right.

 

You are an adult. You say you know what you are doing is wrong. Yet, you need someone else to tell you "Why not NOW! Why soon!" It doesn't seem like you want to end it. And then you say your AP deserves to know why the affair has ended but your husband doesn't deserve to know why her marriage ended and why you did what you did? I just find you insincere. From all indications, you just came here to let it out ... rather than fix the issue. I can't condone such behavior so this will be my last contribution to this thread.

 

You are wrong. I have stated I am going to end this and do the nc. At first yes I was in between but some have made me look at this in other ways. I don't know where you're seeing that im worried about the AP feelings because I've only stated that I owed him an explanation. As far as the job....I was asked if I would quit and if things are being mentioned more than once it's because I'm replying to others posts. I'm sorry you think I'm that kind of person. And I obviously want to fix the issue. That's why I'm here.

[Life lessons]

Anyway,

 

You really need to do a lot reading and anciticipation. For example trickle truth (TT) which you already done on LoveShack to HeCantBreakme.

 

She provided you several threads to read including "Do Men Suffer As Much" and several books. You responded you had ready some it. Well, actually your first few posts on Loveshack where on that tread (starting with 115 I believe http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/612092-do-men-suffer-much. In these posts you state you know of a stituation not that it was you.

 

I am calling you on it because while it is no skin off me, to your BH it will be huge and if the adultery was not an instant deal breaker, repeated TT will be.

Understand any TT when discovered sets the clock and date back to exactly the time of discovery. Triggers will restart with a vengeance with compound interest in the triple digits.

 

So, you posted their first, why? Where you thinking if he was hurting as much as I am does it mean he will marry me??? I know what you posted on this thread will be your answer but because of your response to HeCantBreakMe why should I believe you? More important why should your husband?

 

A piece of advise I see here from time to time I decided is very true. First IC for both you and your husband then MC. One with a lot of experience with adultery that can help you deal with the why and the fall out.

 

Two final notes: there are always two POV in a relationships. Right now on the issue of adultery (and only there) his is the one that counts not your's.

 

Second your wedding vows, those where things that you promised to protect. In short they do not guard you, you guard them and you failed.

 

I'm not understanding your entire post. But yes I know that's public and can be viewed. When I joined I had no intentions of letting all this out so soon but I started reading and decided I wanted to get it out. And get the truth of the matter out considering I haven't been here long and want to be as honest as I can in telling this when I decided to tell it. I'm not certain what pov means but I will find out so I can address this all better.

[Life lessons]

Anyway,

 

You really need to do a lot reading and anciticipation. For example trickle truth (TT) which you already done on LoveShack to HeCantBreakme.

 

She provided you several threads to read including "Do Men Suffer As Much" and several books. You responded you had ready some it. Well, actually your first few posts on Loveshack where on that tread (starting with 115 I believe http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/612092-do-men-suffer-much. In these posts you state you know of a stituation not that it was you.

 

I am calling you on it because while it is no skin off me, to your BH it will be huge and if the adultery was not an instant deal breaker, repeated TT will be.

Understand any TT when discovered sets the clock and date back to exactly the time of discovery. Triggers will restart with a vengeance with compound interest in the triple digits.

 

So, you posted their first, why? Where you thinking if he was hurting as much as I am does it mean he will marry me??? I know what you posted on this thread will be your answer but because of your response to HeCantBreakMe why should I believe you? More important why should your husband?

 

A piece of advise I see here from time to time I decided is very true. First IC for both you and your husband then MC. One with a lot of experience with adultery that can help you deal with the why and the fall out.

 

Two final notes: there are always two POV in a relationships. Right now on the issue of adultery (and only there) his is the one that counts not your's.

 

Second your wedding vows, those where things that you promised to protect. In short they do not guard you, you guard them and you failed.

 

I'm not understanding your entire post. But yes I know that's public and can be viewed. When I joined I had no intentions of letting all this out so soon but I started reading and decided I wanted to get it out. And get the truth of the matter out considering I haven't been here long and want to be as honest as I can in telling this when I decided to tell it. I'm not certain what pov means but I will find out so I can address this all better. Will who marry me??? The AP!? No that was never a thought. I do not want a future with him. I did find out povs meaning.

[Life lessons]

Affairs do not happen in a vacuum. Affairs take time to conduct. Time usage usually impacts other commitments, things are prioritized, affair activities displace the time committed to other activities. Time given to other activities is shortened. Some activities are dropped in order to make time for the affair. You change your activities, your schedule, your thinking pattern, what you focus on, what you do not focus on... Do you give your full attention to all activities and conversations that you are involved in? Or, do you find yourself thinking about he OM? Are you preoccupied with the other man in your thoughts at all? If so, how you listen and respond to conversations will change. Your level of interactive engagement changes. You mentioned that you do feel guilty. This particular emotion affects how you will interact with your husband.

Have you ever avoided affectionate or intimate contact with your husband due to feeling guilty, unclean, undeserving?

There are so many small ways that your activities and interaction change. Other people such as your husband will respond to these changes. They may or may not realize many of these subtle changes. However, they are reacting to the changes. In order to make time for this affair, you are changing your direct or indirect interactions with your husband. This reduced level of overall interaction with your marriage, over time, will have a negative impact on it. Like anything, with less routine maintenance, things have a tendency to start to break down and fail...issues go unresolved, things are not done, promises not kept, frustration starts to build, anger, resentment, communication starts to shut down, more anger and resentment... passive aggressive behavior increases.... maybe your spouse never figures it out... but...next thing you know you are in a failing marriage and on the road to divorce.

 

I do sometimes find myself thinking if the OM. I do know it's like an addiction to me. But I'm going to break it. I have no choice. I want that. What you have said makes a lot of sense.

[Southern Sun]

I'm concerned for you at this point. I don't think you 'get it.' I'm not hearing that you do.

 

I've been where you are...at the, "I don't want to hurt my family, I can't lose what I have, I can't believe what I'm doing, I want to stop...but I'm not," point.

 

I recall at times almost feeling like I was watching someone else's life. Like, wow, that's so awful. I can't believe what's happening. But I couldn't muster up enough emotion or gumption to actually DO anything about it.

 

You talk about loving your husband and others have made reference to this. I have heard it and it always sounded like a bunch of words to me until recently. Love truly is ACTION. Love is actually often doing things that require you to break your inertia or do work when you'd rather not. It requires attention and focus and effort. It means acting in loving ways when it's easier not to. Right now, you are basically doing none of that. You are going with the flow and allowing things to "happen." That is not demonstrating love to your husband. You know this.

 

So my concern at this point is that you won't require yourself to do the work of love until you get caught...which will force some sort of action on your part, or on your husband's. And that is the most painful moment of all, I can assure you.

 

I do hope you can nudge yourself out of your inertia before it's too late.

[Imajerk17]

You have good points. I do think It is hard for me to emotionally attach to things. I've always been that way. I don't feel I've become anymore emotionally detached or attached than what I've always been. I would never be angry enough to put my h down or hurt him verbally. As I've stated I do want to stop this and I am going to. Yes I've taken so many steps to insure my h doesn't find out. I'm even using a friends old email that she no longer uses. I've had her password info and all with her knowledge for years because of social media happenings. So yes I have done my best to cover my tracks. Again I know how bad all this sounds but I'm being honest here. Regardless I know i know that I would never throw any of this into my h face. Ever.

 

It astounds me how you can deceive your husband (and family!) like this and sleep at night. Poor guy has no idea that the woman lying next to him has been betraying him and doing him dirty all this time. Heartless!

Edited February 21, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Life lessons]

I'm concerned for you at this point. I don't think you 'get it.' I'm not hearing that you do.

 

I've been where you are...at the, "I don't want to hurt my family, I can't lose what I have, I can't believe what I'm doing, I want to stop...but I'm not," point.

 

I recall at times almost feeling like I was watching someone else's life. Like, wow, that's so awful. I can't believe what's happening. But I couldn't muster up enough emotion or gumption to actually DO anything about it.

 

You talk about loving your husband and others have made reference to this. I have heard it and it always sounded like a bunch of words to me until recently. Love truly is ACTION. Love is actually often doing things that require you to break your inertia or do work when you'd rather not. It requires attention and focus and effort. It means acting in loving ways when it's easier not to. Right now, you are basically doing none of that. You are going with the flow and allowing things to "happen." That is not demonstrating love to your husband. You know this.

 

So my concern at this point is that you won't require yourself to do the work of love until you get caught...which will force some sort of action on your part, or on your husband's. And that is the most painful moment of all, I can assure you.

 

I do hope you can nudge yourself out of your inertia before it's too late.

I agree that love is action and I do feel horrible for doing what I've done. I am going to make the change. There's no doubt to that. I certainly know I've done wrong and I am going to change that. I am going to look into counseling so that I can figure out how I was able to let myself get here.

[Life lessons]

It astounds me how you can deceive your husband (and family!) like this and sleep at night. Poor guy has no idea that the woman lying next to him has been betraying him and doing him dirty all this time. Heartless!

 

Yes. It is heartless. I do know this. I would never want it done to me and feel bad that I've done it to such an amazing human being.

[Imajerk17]

Yes. It is heartless. I do know this. I would never want it done to me and feel bad that I've done it to such an amazing human being.

 

But you still kept doing it all this time, so clearly you do not feel that bad. If you did feel bad enough, you wouldn't have been so selfish in the first place. While your husband was home trusting you, you were doing who knows what w another man. What the hell is wrong with you.

Edited February 21, 2017 by Imajerk17

[BaileyB]

I agree that love is action and I do feel horrible for doing what I've done. I am going to make the change. There's no doubt to that. I certainly know I've done wrong and I am going to change that. I am going to look into counseling so that I can figure out how I was able to let myself get here.

 

To your credit, you have stuck with this discussion today and answered almost every post. I hope that you have read the advice that has been shared today and you continue to reflect on the information that has been shared.

 

As they say, when you know better, you do better. I hope that is true for you. It's not too late to make a different decision and dedicate yourself to your family. Counselling is very important - your journey is only beginning.

[Life lessons]

To your credit, you have stuck with this discussion today and answered almost every post. I hope that you have read the advice that has been shared today and you continue to reflect on the information that has been shared.

 

As they say, when you know better, you do better. I hope that is true for you. It's not too late to make a different decision and dedicate yourself to your family. Counselling is very important - your journey is only beginning.

 

Thank you for your words. I will address each post but it may be tomorrow because it's more difficult answering the longer posts when trying to reply on a phone. Thanks again, I knew I would hit get positive reviews from this and knew I would be shamed and I deserve it alll. A lot of comments have indeed opened my eyes to the other side.

[Life lessons]

But you still kept doing it all this time, so clearly you do not feel that bad. If you did feel bad enough, you wouldn't have been so selfish in the first place. While your husband was home trusting you, you were doing who knows what w another man. What the hell is wrong with you.

 

Yes I did donut for months. Not the OA but the EA but you don't know me...so you can't say I don't feel bad. If I didn't feel bad I wouldn't be on LS.

[Imajerk17]

Yes I did donut for months. Not the OA but the EA but you don't know me...so you can't say I don't feel bad. If I didn't feel bad I wouldn't be on LS.

 

If you *did* feel bad enough, you would have done the right thing all along, instead of betraying your husband and putting out for another man as you did. I do know that much.

Edited February 21, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Weezy1973]

I agree that love is action and I do feel horrible for doing what I've done. I am going to make the change. There's no doubt to that. I certainly know I've done wrong and I am going to change that. I am going to look into counseling so that I can figure out how I was able to let myself get here.

 

Why is this not in the past tense? I've made the change. Here's what I've done. I've looked into counseling.

[BluesPower]

Wow, 10 pages in the first day, is that a record?

 

Listen LL, you hear all of the passion from the posters here. And now you are just barely starting to understand what you have actually done.

 

Many of the people here are either BS's or WS's, I however am both.

 

First, you think you are starting to understand what you have done. You actually have no idea. You are just beginning to understand what is going on.

 

Second, your husband knows something is up. He already knows. You think that you have covered all of your tracks and have been so careful. You used condoms (Thank god), you were very careful. Let me say this again, your husband knows that you are sleeping with another man. A man or woman can FEEL when their partner has been with someone else. Trust me on this, I know.

 

Third, you think you were having innocent monkey sex that would not hurt anyone, now you know that you were wrong. If you wanted this, you should have talked your husband into swinging or something else, but you did not, you made a choice to cheat on your family. You made the choice.

 

Right now your head is spinning, because you did not really realize how bad everything you have done actually is. When you confess or get caught, when you see the look in your husbands eye, at that moment, you will start to understand what you have done.

 

You will see that man that you used to love, the man that you chose to marry, the man that you chose to have a child with... you will actually be able to see THAT MAN die inside as you are watching. You will see his soul die as you look on. You will watch you man that you know you love die in front of your eyes. It is a vision that will never leave you, ever. It is a vision that you will take to the grave, it will be the most horrifying thing that you have ever seen in your entire life.

 

It will be with you forever. Then you will start to understand what you have done. You think you hate yourself now, baby, just wait.

 

If that description touches you at all, understand that every BS here on LS has gone through the exact same feelings, every one.

 

You have an unimaginable amount of work to do in order to save your family. I truly hope you are up to the task...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Life Lessons, it is good that you have come to LS with your problem. It shows that even though you have done/ are doing the wrong thing by your husband and family, that there is a spark of conscience within you guiding you in the right direction to make amends even at this late stage. Your PA has not been for very long and is not really very involved at this stage so you can still control yourself and stop it in it's tracks. You have been given a lot of good advice. Hearken to the advice by dead soul and read her story, particularly where she talks about the look on her husband's face when she confessed to him. Replace her husband's face with your own husband's face and maybe that will shock you out of your inaction on your adultery. Her story is your story only, it has already progressed a few months or maybe a year ahead of yours.

 

Also listen to the advice of people like Mr. Lucky. He is wont to give sage advice which is usually spot on. There are others here too, like Bailey. Heed to what they have to say and tighten your belt and take the hard decisions you have to. Remember, you say you love your husband more than anything except your child. You refer to him as DH which I presume stands for Darling Husband. Yet you have taken a knife and stabbed him I and your child in the back! Imagine doing that to the two people who are most dear to you in your life and for what? Some POS single man who, knowing you are a married woman, has pursued you relentlessly just so he could bed you. I think there could be no bigger betrayal than this. It almost is in the same league as the betrayal of Jesus Christ by Judas. You know you have a lot of work to do to redeem yourself. So get cracking immediately. Wish you the best.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Yes he pursued me for months and spent hours talking but I was the one that kissed him...I want to be honest so yes, I made the move to kiss him first. As far as sex. I guess I kinda made that happen as well. I made it happen because I did want it to happen because I felt we had the ea there. This all probably looks so much worse but I'm so tired of lying.

 

I agree with the rest. I do realize this is no stringed attached. That's always been the intention.

 

You actually didn't HAVE to talk to him for hours. I'm assuming he didn't tie you to a chair and force you to speak with him?

 

You wanted this or it would not have happened. And lest anybody get an ick feeling from that statement, obviously I am talking about this person's situation specifically, not every situation in which sex occurs.

 

I don't think you're just in denial about the affair, I think you're also in denial about your marriage. There's no way you were pleased as punch with and sexually attracted to your husband, entirely in love, satisfied amd also could not ever bear the thought of you two spliting up, yet willingly leaned into a buildable, talk for hours, then start doing it with some other guy scenario. Just none unless you are entirely evil to the core, which I doubt.

[Birdies]

I'm concerned for you at this point. I don't think you 'get it.' I'm not hearing that you do.

 

I've been where you are...at the, "I don't want to hurt my family, I can't lose what I have, I can't believe what I'm doing, I want to stop...but I'm not," point.

 

I recall at times almost feeling like I was watching someone else's life. Like, wow, that's so awful. I can't believe what's happening. But I couldn't muster up enough emotion or gumption to actually DO anything about it.

 

You talk about loving your husband and others have made reference to this. I have heard it and it always sounded like a bunch of words to me until recently. Love truly is ACTION. Love is actually often doing things that require you to break your inertia or do work when you'd rather not. It requires attention and focus and effort. It means acting in loving ways when it's easier not to. Right now, you are basically doing none of that. You are going with the flow and allowing things to "happen." That is not demonstrating love to your husband. You know this.

 

So my concern at this point is that you won't require yourself to do the work of love until you get caught...which will force some sort of action on your part, or on your husband's. And that is the most painful moment of all, I can assure you.

 

I do hope you can nudge yourself out of your inertia before it's too late.

 

Please listen to this advice. From those of there who have been there, done that, blown up our lives, destroyed the people we cared most for.... you are treading on a very slippery slope. Turn your regret and guilt into action.

Edited February 21, 2017 by Birdies

[GoldenR]

Your posts in other threads make so much sense now.

 

You say that you love your H and not the OM. But no....no, you really don't. You have no clue what love is. Your definition of love is skewed and wrong.

 

You're using a friend's email address to carry on the A. She's no friend if she's supporting your A.

 

Look at all the effort you are putting into the A: all the effort to communicate, to meet up and have sex, to text.....all the effort to do all of this in secret. Now look at the effort you're putting into your marriage, into your family. Who's coming first? OM, that's who.

 

My advice? You say your husband is an amazing man. Divorce him. Let him find a wife that will cherish him and respect him the way he should be. Let him find a loyal wife. Or do you think he deserves to be with someone that has treated him with total disrespect and disdain? And in your BH's eyes, once he finds out, he will feel that you treated him with hatred.

 

Do him and yourself a favor, let him go. Give him a chance to be happy with someone else. And then you'll be free to pursue all the men (that you don't love) that you are able to.

[clam]

OP,

 

Instead of trying to answer every post individually, why not use this thread to tell us more of your story. It's hard to get a sense of where you're coming from and where you want to end up with one and two line answers to a bunch of questions.

 

Just my opinion; take it with a grain of salt if you wish...

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

I understand you don't understand the point I was trying to make, which is why your husband will in the divorce you if he discovers the adultery, even if you confess.

 

Next your OM is a player, yes you are attractive but even though he does not know Who your is husband a lot of the kick he is getting out of this is "Who's the man! Who's your daddy" to your husband. The fact he went straight to an app that is difficult if not impossible to discover says it all. Combined with the fact you went to using an old email account of a friend will scream this is not your first rodeo.

 

Again every single omission will discovered afterwards will start the whole process over.

[Just a Guy]

My goodness! I think I missed the post where LL says she has been using a friend's old email address to communicate with the OM. The business about the innocuous app which allows her to keep in touch with him is also mind boggling. I'm sorry but I think she is just diabolical. She has been coming across as contrite and oh so sad that she has been doing something like this to her DH but now I think she is beyond redemption. I wrote a previous post commending her for coming to LS for help but I now think that was a mistake. What she is doing to her husband and child is beyond cruel. I think some people are so devious and devoid of the milk of human kindness that they appear to be residents of another world, an evil world very different from this one.

 

I can only hope her husband can free himself from her clutches and take their child with him. God help him.

Edited February 21, 2017 by Just a Guy