MW 10+ yrs A with SM

[Life lessons]

Hi Life Lessons, I posted a rather harsh post on your thread earlier and I would like to take this opportunity to say how sorry I am for it. I crossed a line which I should not have. No Human Being needs or deserves to be treated as less than one and I sincerely apologize for my indiscretion in doing so. I hope you will forgive me.

 

As others have said, it is good that you have gone NC but the hard part starts now. You will have to maintain it. Also draw inspiration from the stories of other FWW on here who have successfully made it out of the woods of infidelity. Mrs. John Adams is one but there are many others. I am sure they would all be willing to help you in your difficult moments. Whatever happens remember that if you truly love your husband and child then you will do the right thing by them. If you look at all the deceitful things you have done to be able to sustain your affair you will recognize how far you have strayed from the person you are at your core. You have to work hard to recover and regain that core person again. Best wishes.

 

Thank you but no need to apologize to me. I know I've messed up majorly. You know what's strange? I'm not a very emotional person but when I read what you posted above my eyes got a little glazed. I have no idea why because I know I am a horrible person for what I've done and deserve every bad comment I have received. On one hand I think I'm a good human being, well I do come across as good to most, but in the other hand I know I am a horrible human being. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me but I am strong and I will work hard to save my marriage. I will be a better wife. I am now beginning to understand better just how far I've strayed from everything that I've held and hold dear. It's so contradictory of me to say that I don't like hurting people yet I've put a sword through the one person that has always been there for me and loved me unconditionally. I know things will get better, they have too.

[Life lessons]

So are you actually NC right now? Or are you procrastinating?

 

I am NC. And it's not easy but I know it's the right thing and worth it.

[Life lessons]

Good morning.

Hope you are well, you have had a lot to process these last few days.

Just wondering if you have made a counselling appointment this week? I hope you have taken the next step to healing this situation.

 

Good morning BaileyB. I'm as well as I can be. I hope you are and thanks for asking. I had that on the agenda for yesterday but had an unexpected event come up so I hope to get to that today. It's not going to be easy for me to find the time but I know it's necessary so I will make it work. I also want to say thank you to you all. It has been difficult reading most of these replies but it has truly helped me get to the place I need to be in order to do the right thing.

[BaileyB]

Good morning BaileyB. I'm as well as I can be. I hope you are and thanks for asking. I had that on the agenda for yesterday but had an unexpected event come up so I hope to get to that today. It's not going to be easy for me to find the time but I know it's necessary so I will make it work. I also want to say thank you to you all. It has been difficult reading most of these replies but it has truly helped me get to the place I need to be in order to do the right thing.

 

It likely won't be easy to find the time or to make yourself vulnerable in that way, but it is important. I'm glad to hear that you plan to make the call today.

 

And, you are definitely not a horrible person. You have lost your way and made some very bad decisions. There is a big distinction.

 

And now, you have the opportunity to make some different decisions and make things right. Good luck!

[aliveagain]

Good morning.

Hope you are well, you have had a lot to process these last few days.

Just wondering if you have made a counselling appointment this week? I hope you have taken the next step to healing this situation.

 

You can not do this on your own, be sure that the counselor you choose has experience with infidelity. No contact is an absolute must or your just wasting your time.

[understand50]

You can not do this on your own, be sure that the counselor you choose has experience with infidelity. No contact is an absolute must or your just wasting your time.

 

Life lessons,

 

Aliveagain is right, take this next step. I think you will find that by taking action to "fight" this, you will do better, and be able to handle the fall out from all this. Do you best, and try and think of a better future, once you over come this.

 

I wish you luck....

[HeCantBreakMe]

You can not do this on your own, be sure that the counselor you choose has experience with infidelity. No contact is an absolute must or your just wasting your time.

 

 

Agreed!!!!

[GoldenR]

NC and counseling are both great steps!

 

But you need to allow your husband the right to decide if he wants to stay married to you. You've already made the decision on your own to have sex with someone else, then you realized that this OM isn't everything you thought he'd be, and now you're back to plan B --- the ole safe and reliable hubby. But now it should be your H's decision to decide if the marriage stays intact.

[Buckeye2]

the men who sweep you off your feet into an a, sure, they might just be awesome guys who have lousy wives at home. But, that's not nearly as likely as "he's good at this because he's following a script; he's done this before.. A lot".

 

the only reason this a happened is because the sm would not stop chasing me and i caved in. I guess i liked the way it made me feel. We began talking for hours at work.

 

he introduced me to an app that we started messaging in and we have messages daily since.

 

8888888888888

[harrybrown]

the best way to go NC is to ask your H for help in making sure that you do not have contact.

 

But so you have a sister or a mother that could help you fight this addiction?

Edited February 22, 2017 by harrybrown
edit

[Cephalopod]

Do you have a plan of what you will do when your husband finds out? Will you have a place to go if he kicks you out?

[Life lessons]

the best way to go NC is to ask your H for help in making sure that you do not have contact.

 

But so you have a sister or a mother that could help you fight this addiction?

 

Yes I do have sisters but I can't confide in them with this matter. IC is best bet and I'll go from there. At this time I'm uncertain if I'll tell H. I really am uncertain! I've searched a lot and some suggest yes... Some no. Right now I'm waiting on IC and I'll go from there.

[Life lessons]

Do you have a plan of what you will do when your husband finds out? Will you have a place to go if he kicks you out?

 

Yes. I'll have a place to go if that happens. I'm not worried about that in the least right now.

[GoldenR]

Yes I do have sisters but I can't confide in them with this matter. IC is best bet and I'll go from there. At this time I'm uncertain if I'll tell H. I really am uncertain! I've searched a lot and some suggest yes... Some no. Right now I'm waiting on IC and I'll go from there.

 

Those that say not to tell the BS are the ones that are telling you to look out for you. But haven't you done enough of that?

 

You say you love your H.....prove it. Give him the choice. Another thing to consider is him finding out in 10-20 years from now. He will feel as if the entire marriage was a lie. Where you'll be thinking you proved yourself during that time. The disconnect will be even greater.

[DKT3]

Yes I do have sisters but I can't confide in them with this matter. IC is best bet and I'll go from there. At this time I'm uncertain if I'll tell H. I really am uncertain! I've searched a lot and some suggest yes... Some no. Right now I'm waiting on IC and I'll go from there.

 

Honestly, this is a sign that you don't want to be held accountable.

[Jersey born raised]

NC, IC which includes a lot of dealing with the reactions of a BS is a fair start. Just remember a year or two years from now if you confess or he discovers the adultery it will be day one for him. I've read of BS who discovered 30 years later, they sound exactly like a poster who just found out. The WS spouse knows intellectually their first reaction but emotionally they are 20 years past it.

 

Second OM why is he in your place of business? If he is not employed by your company he has no business being there. Ask HR and your boss for a meeting and simple stated OM refuses to behave professionally with you. It does not matter what happened, only you want it to stop and he will not. Call his company and state the same. Any company I worked for would terminate him in a second.

[Life lessons]

NC, IC which includes a lot of dealing with the reactions of a BS is a fair start. Just remember a year or two years from now if you confess or he discovers the adultery it will be day one for him. I've read of BS who discovered 30 years later, they sound exactly like a poster who just found out. The WS spouse knows intellectually their first reaction but emotionally they are 20 years past it.

 

Second OM why is he in your place of business? If he is not employed by your company he has no business being there. Ask HR and your boss for a meeting and simple stated OM refuses to behave professionally with you. It does not matter what happened, only you want it to stop and he will not. Call his company and state the same. Any company I worked for would terminate him in a second.

 

He does business there but I am thinking of going to go to HR. If nothing can be done then I will start looking for other employment. I'm not certain how to approach HR just yet.

[deadsoul]

Hang in there. Your priority right now is staying NC in whatever means necessary.

 

Personally, I don't think you should worry about confessing or not at this point. Just get through this first step, it will be hard enough. Hopefully you were able to get an appointment with IC and just keep busy.

 

You took a big step in ending this. It's not easy, believe me. But you did the right thing.

[BaileyB]

You did the right thing in ending it and going NC. There is NO DOUBT about that!

 

I too think you should get started with IC before you make a decision about talking with your husband. If you do decide to tell him, I think you will need some support.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, the way I see it this forum is meant to be a place where people who are hurt by their spouses or have hurt their spouses grievously and are themselves hurt in turn come for advice on how to heal and how to move forward. By coming here they lay themselves vulnerable to some hard facts surrounding their cases. With their clouded perspective they need the 20/20 vision of others who have been through the mill, have suffered and are able to identify with the situation that they find themselves in. Also maybe folk like us who have never been in a situation such as theirs but have lived a long life and weathered other storms in life and who, like observers sitting on the outside, are able to bring a perspective which may help them see things in a different light from that which they are seeing at the moment, can also help them in positive ways. However, because they are vulnerable some folks here, in the garb of being helpful to them come out with some very hurtful comments and suggestions, which, instead of being positive and helping the affected person in moving forward, actually discourage them so severely that they just go away and do not return to face the court of disgruntled, carrying a chip on their shoulder jurors who sit in judgement on them. I think the effort here should be to coax someone who needs the help they are looking for, to move in the right direction. By bashing someone who has come on here voluntarily and making rude comments about them I think the whole purpose of such a forum is nullified and rendered useless.

 

A lot of folks have given very good advice to LL but she had to be allowed to proceed at her own pace. If she was not sincere in trying to understand where she went wrong and solving her problem then she would never have come here. Presenting her with the hard facts of her case is in my opinion a positive step. She needs to clear her mind of the cobwebs of the affair and look at it in the cold hard light of real life, not some fantasy world view. However, when the comments turn harsh, with a sting to them and try and put her down then I think it becomes a downward spiral. I think all of us need to self audit what we post here to keep it positive and productive. Also, I think that expecting LL to run before she has even learnt how to walk is unrealistic. She is still grappling with the enormity of her betrayal of her husband and family and to expect her to confess to her husband is, I think, just too ambitious.

 

LL for what it's worth I think that you need to be a little more positive about yourself. Yes you have done something horrible and that is always going to be a part of you. However, if you keep belittling yourself and thinking that you are the worst person in the world then there isn't much chance that you will be able to make positive progress in your affair recovery. You have to start thinking well of yourself as a first step before you can even think of tackling the problems facing you. Wish you the best going forward.

[drifter777]

Hi Folks, the way I see it this forum is meant to be a place where people who are hurt by their spouses or have hurt their spouses grievously and are themselves hurt in turn come for advice on how to heal and how to move forward. By coming here they lay themselves vulnerable to some hard facts surrounding their cases. With their clouded perspective they need the 20/20 vision of others who have been through the mill, have suffered and are able to identify with the situation that they find themselves in. Also maybe folk like us who have never been in a situation such as theirs but have lived a long life and weathered other storms in life and who, like observers sitting on the outside, are able to bring a perspective which may help them see things in a different light from that which they are seeing at the moment, can also help them in positive ways. However, because they are vulnerable some folks here, in the garb of being helpful to them come out with some very hurtful comments and suggestions, which, instead of being positive and helping the affected person in moving forward, actually discourage them so severely that they just go away and do not return to face the court of disgruntled, carrying a chip on their shoulder jurors who sit in judgement on them. I think the effort here should be to coax someone who needs the help they are looking for, to move in the right direction. By bashing someone who has come on here voluntarily and making rude comments about them I think the whole purpose of such a forum is nullified and rendered useless.

 

A lot of folks have given very good advice to LL but she had to be allowed to proceed at her own pace. If she was not sincere in trying to understand where she went wrong and solving her problem then she would never have come here. Presenting her with the hard facts of her case is in my opinion a positive step. She needs to clear her mind of the cobwebs of the affair and look at it in the cold hard light of real life, not some fantasy world view. However, when the comments turn harsh, with a sting to them and try and put her down then I think it becomes a downward spiral. I think all of us need to self audit what we post here to keep it positive and productive. Also, I think that expecting LL to run before she has even learnt how to walk is unrealistic. She is still grappling with the enormity of her betrayal of her husband and family and to expect her to confess to her husband is, I think, just too ambitious.

 

LL for what it's worth I think that you need to be a little more positive about yourself. Yes you have done something horrible and that is always going to be a part of you. However, if you keep belittling yourself and thinking that you are the worst person in the world then there isn't much chance that you will be able to make positive progress in your affair recovery. You have to start thinking well of yourself as a first step before you can even think of tackling the problems facing you. Wish you the best going forward.

 

Pretty condescending stuff - especially for someone who has not been devastated by infidelity.

 

We do not provide professional, antiseptic advice/feedback - with us you get real life. No apologies...

[GoldenR]

Hi Folks, the way I see it this forum is meant to be a place where people who are hurt by their spouses or have hurt their spouses grievously and are themselves hurt in turn come for advice on how to heal and how to move forward. By coming here they lay themselves vulnerable to some hard facts surrounding their cases. With their clouded perspective they need the 20/20 vision of others who have been through the mill, have suffered and are able to identify with the situation that they find themselves in. Also maybe folk like us who have never been in a situation such as theirs but have lived a long life and weathered other storms in life and who, like observers sitting on the outside, are able to bring a perspective which may help them see things in a different light from that which they are seeing at the moment, can also help them in positive ways. However, because they are vulnerable some folks here, in the garb of being helpful to them come out with some very hurtful comments and suggestions, which, instead of being positive and helping the affected person in moving forward, actually discourage them so severely that they just go away and do not return to face the court of disgruntled, carrying a chip on their shoulder jurors who sit in judgement on them. I think the effort here should be to coax someone who needs the help they are looking for, to move in the right direction. By bashing someone who has come on here voluntarily and making rude comments about them I think the whole purpose of such a forum is nullified and rendered useless.

 

A lot of folks have given very good advice to LL but she had to be allowed to proceed at her own pace. If she was not sincere in trying to understand where she went wrong and solving her problem then she would never have come here. Presenting her with the hard facts of her case is in my opinion a positive step. She needs to clear her mind of the cobwebs of the affair and look at it in the cold hard light of real life, not some fantasy world view. However, when the comments turn harsh, with a sting to them and try and put her down then I think it becomes a downward spiral. I think all of us need to self audit what we post here to keep it positive and productive. Also, I think that expecting LL to run before she has even learnt how to walk is unrealistic. She is still grappling with the enormity of her betrayal of her husband and family and to expect her to confess to her husband is, I think, just too ambitious.

 

LL for what it's worth I think that you need to be a little more positive about yourself. Yes you have done something horrible and that is always going to be a part of you. However, if you keep belittling yourself and thinking that you are the worst person in the world then there isn't much chance that you will be able to make positive progress in your affair recovery. You have to start thinking well of yourself as a first step before you can even think of tackling the problems facing you. Wish you the best going forward.

 

And I'll rebut this by saying that I wish I had found out about by XWW's A on day 1, bc then I wouldn't have wasted over a year in a sham of a marriage with her. I seriously would have divorced the same day as the thought of cheating entered her head if I could have somehow known about it.

 

So much wasted time....

Edited February 23, 2017 by GoldenR

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drifter, I am sorry if I have offended you in any way. That certainly is not my intention. I respect what you have to say on most occasions as I know that a certain wisdom comes from having been in a situation which is as devastating as infidelity and I claim no special expertise about it either. I was certainly not trying to be condescending and if I came across as such I am sorry for that. My only point here was that often people, whether knowingly or not have very harsh things to say to a poster who has come on here for help. In the state of mind that they already are in, I would think that would be the last straw for them and they would withdraw into a shell and disappear from the forum. I guess that would not achieve anything positive either for the person advising him/her or the poster asking for advice. I am certainly not saying that one should molly coddle someone like LL as she needs to know the extent and depth of her depravity. At the same time the advice to her can be delivered in a compassionate and proactive manner rather than making it so unpalatable for her that she simply disappears as so many have in the past. The fact is that she had realized that she has done something despicable and is not defending herself or her actions. In any case if you think I did not have anything useful to say please ignore it and carry on.

 

Golden I am sorry about your personal situation and whatever I had to say was not directed towards you personally. I can understand where you are coming from. My point about LL confessing to her husband is not that she should not but that she should first prepare herself for the consequences mentally. Right now she is at sea and needs to gather herself and prepare for the kind of pain she is going to inflict on her husband. You are right when you say she should confess to him but give her a little time to get a grip on herself. After that she should not delay any further. Just as deadsoul confessed to her husband after she had got a grip on herself and realized that she could not continue to live with him and keep this terrible secret buried inside her I am sure LL will also come to that realization on her own. Maybe I am wrong but the fact remains that LL will finally do what she wants to do and not what you or I want her to do if that is not her mindset. I hope I have clarified what my thought process was when I wrote my post above. Warm wishes to both of you.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I can't!! I'm hoping I can steer clear of him when he's there. I will try my best.

 

I don't understand. How does working with him (sporadically) automatically equate to sex? I always thought working and sex could be mutually exclusive activities.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is why are you so willing to throw away your marriage and your children's well-being for a POS guy that chases married women? You said yourself that you love your husband, he's a great guy, and your marriage is a good one.

 

Bottom line: Your gave away everything (including your self-respect) for a very cheap price. (Please don't tell you husband that "he kept pursuing me" because that just makes it even more cheap. That makes you sound "easy".)

 

Assuming you confess or get caught, list out everything that this affair will cost you; your husband, your children, the emotional/mental health of everyone that will be affected. Your reputation. Your self-respect. What will your parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers think? What are you going to tell your kids when they ask why they only see you every other weekend?

 

Even if your husband never finds out, what has the affair cost you and your well-being?

 

Why is it so hard for you to end it NOW? This guy is a low-life player. What is he giving you that is worth such a cost?

[Jersey born raised]

You could also contact his employer HR and discccus his actions and ask them to arrange a new rep.