So hurt by Mother, I think we're done

[LM85]

I had a fight with my Mum recently where she really hurt my feelings and is refusing to acknowledge she did or said anything wrong and won't apologise until I apologise to her.

 

I'm in my early thirties and my brother is getting married in two months time. I don't get along with my grandparents (her parents) because they're horrible people and and constantly make comments about my weight and appearance. Usually I just brush it off but at Christmas a year ago my grandfather said "you should do something about your weight, you're disgusting" obviously I was really upset and hugely embarrassed but it was Christmas and I didn't want to cause an argument so I simply left the room and haven't spoken to them since. I didn't "kick off" for my mum's sake. None of my family stuck up for me or even said anything. It's something that really hurt my feelings and has ended my relationship with my grandparents. I don't see them or speak to them, I refuse cards and gifts on Christmas and birthdays etc.

 

So my parents and brother decided that at my brothers wedding they will seat me at the same table as my grandparents. I calmly told my mun I would speak with my brother and see if I can move tables, explaining that I had planned to be polite and civil with my grandparents at the wedding because I would never spoil my brothers day but that sitting at the table with them for hours whilst eating and the speeches take place was something I couldn't do.

 

My mother exploded. She screamed and shouted that I was immature and "everyone knows you'll ruin "brothers name's" wedding. I was so hurt and told her I was leaving. She carried on screaming and shouting saying how I was rude and ungrateful and how much she disliked me as I cried. I got up and left and she screamed that again I was running away from everything because I'm a brat. I told her I was leaving because of the way she was acting. As soon as I said it I regretted it. I didn't mean to say it and have never even sworn in front of my parents. She went mad and kicked me out of the house. I left and sat in my car crying and my dad comes out and tells me to come back in to fix things. I go back to the house and immediately apologise for calling her names and she begins to argue with my dad and saying that he is her husband and should support her and be on her side. He tells her I'm his daughter and on no ones side but wants us to fix things. She proceeds to have a go at me again and I leave. This was 10 days ago and we haven't spoken since. It's my birthday in a week and my dad told me she is not going to give me a present and won't talk to me until I apologise.

 

This situation has really upset me. Particularly her telling me I will ruin my brothers wedding, I never would.

 

I don't think I should make the first move but I can't imagine not having a relationship with her. I don't know what to do.

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[whichwayisup]

I am so angry and upset for you, shame on your mom for seating you next to your grandparents as she knows you're not close with them and they've treated you poorly.

 

What about your brother? Are you two close? Is he on board with this seating arrangement or was this your mom's idea? Find out when you talk to him. I'm sure he will change the seating so you won't have to sit with them.

 

Your dad needs to be supportive of you both and not just go make you apologize to your mom to make her happy. She was wrong, totally over reacted and just know it seems your mom doesn't have a filter she thinks it and out it pops out of her mouth! That's wrong and I think she went overboard and was cruel to you. So wrong of a parent to treat their child like that, let alone a grown adult!! She pushed your buttons, you reacted and unfortunately swearing at her didn't help

 

There are different ways of handling this, continue on and let your mom apologize to you first or just go over there and tell her you two are going to have an honest and open conversation before any apologies are said. Your mom sounds a bit bullish so don't let her make you feel like you were in the wrong about this. Knowing family history and you don't see your grandparents it's shocking that she would even suggest you sit with them during the wedding.

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. Your parents should have shut your grandparents' rude mouths right away, and MOST parents would have because they will stand up for their children and defend them. Someone should have been willing to take a stand for you. What on earth is family for? If not your dad stepping in and reading your mother, then your brother understanding this issue and taking care of it.

 

 

Don't straighten your parents or grandparents out at your brother's wedding, but for sure do it another time. Sometimes you have to stand up to your parents. I had to stand up to my mother. She was terribly critical. No one should care if you go after your grandparents since they don't even care if they go after their own child.

 

You do whatever you think is best and yes, going and being distant but polite is probably the best for the wedding. But do get out of that house and put some distance between you and that mean mother and grandparents. Get two jobs if you need to, and 3 roommates. Anything would be better than that.

[Telemachus]

You wrote twice that your mother expects an apology from you; however, you also claim that you apologized when you came back into the house. It's contradictory.

 

As to where your brother and his bride-to-be seat you (it is their wedding), it's a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things. If it's so much of a problem for you, find another solo attendee and request of that person to switch seating assignments, before anyone sits down. The newly-married couple aren't going to care, and they probably won't even notice.

 

Regarding your relationship with your parents and maternal grandparents, enjoy time with them or don't, but bear in mind that you're likely to outlive any and all of them by decades. You won't have any of them around for the last 30 or so years of your life, longer than that in the case of your grandparents.

 

When the time comes, your problems will be entirely your own. It would be better to start taking responsibility now, but the time when you will find little or no sympathy from others when blaming anything on preceding generations isn't all that far off.

 

Complaints of bad parenting are never charming, and far less so when a person is middle-aged. My doctor declared me to be middle-aged at age 37, during a conversation about the condition of my knees. Yes, both of my parents and all of my grandparents are deceased, and I take full individual responsibility for my own state of happiness and well-being. You'll find greater satisfaction in life if you do the same.

[MissCongeniality]

Take charge of your life hit the gym then take responsibility for some of your own choices. Also find a man and then you can have fun deciding who and where sits at your wedding and when they ask why you put them in their seats you can say "Remember my brother's wedding? I'm glad I could finally pay you back."

Edited March 6, 2017 by MissCongeniality

[MsJayne]

That sure sounds like a toxic relationship with your mother, there's a lot of screaming and blaming going on for no good reason, and your post comes across to me as you being made the punching bag, (metaphorically speaking), for a dysfunctional family. Have you ever considered getting away from your family and trying life without toxic people in it? Sounds like your self esteem has taken a battering, and perhaps if you removed yourself you might find that you'd feel better and then other good things would follow, such as weight loss and the return of your self respect.

As far as seating you next to your grandparents at the wedding goes, I see that maybe family members thought they might be helping to mend your relationship with them by forcing you to socialise with them, however they should have asked you how you felt first. By just doing it they're undermining you as a person because you have a right to be angry, your grandfather should never have said something so cruel, and he does owe you an apology, (but don't expect one, toxic relatives rarely acknowledge their obnoxious behaviour, much less apologise for it). If it was me I'd probably go to the wedding service but then just skip the reception, that way you're doing the right thing by your brother but making a strong statement about how you feel about being abused by your grandfather and your mother.

[CatInTheHat]

Take charge of your life hit the gym then take responsibility for some of your own choices. Also find a man and then you can have fun deciding who and where sits at your wedding and when they ask why you put them in their seats you can say "Remember my brother's wedding? I'm glad I could finally pay you back."

 

What if she's happy with how she looks?

 

And really? Inviting her mom to her wedding just so she can seat them near someone they don't like? That's super immature.

 

I say break away. I come from a toxic family too and I've cut them out of my life. I'm so much happier now! I'm not saying cut them out completely like I did, but you can certainly dial back the time you spend with them.

[MissCongeniality]

What if she's happy with how she looks?

 

And really? Inviting her mom to her wedding just so she can seat them near someone they don't like? That's super immature.

 

I say break away. I come from a toxic family too and I've cut them out of my life. I'm so much happier now! I'm not saying cut them out completely like I did, but you can certainly dial back the time you spend with them.

I'm a vindictive person runs in my family. Also my family is toxic to but never would I cut them out of my life. Except my parents but toxic doesn't do them justice. The point is my siblings and I have done a lot of bad things to each other but we'd never cut each other out of our lives.

 

Sometimes the best way to teach family a lesson is to treat them how they treat you.

Edited March 7, 2017 by MissCongeniality

[LM85]

She expects me to apologise profusely for [calling her a name] and a full apology for the situation.

 

Agreed it's not a huge disposition to sit near people I dislike but I would like to enjoy my brothers wedding day and not have to be uncomfortable engaging in conversation with people who I dislike.

 

Also, my boyfriend will be attending with me so I'm not going solo.

Edited March 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[LM85]

Thanks for your reply but I don't need to hit the gym. My weight isn't an issue and my BMI is healthy. I'm not stick thin but not overweight either. I don't know why my Grandfather made that comment, maybe my clothes were unflattering and it was Christmas and I was eating unhealthy but I am happy with how I look and I'm healthy.

 

I also have a boyfriend, so I don't need to go "and find a man"

Edited March 16, 2017 by LM85

[curiouslysearching]

Always love your Mom....there is nothing quite like having

an amazing Mom...

[LM85]

Always love your Mom....there is nothing quite like having

an amazing Mom...

 

I do love my Mum. I'm just very hurt by her right now and her lack of contact in the past 4 or so weeks since we spoke.

[Quiet Storms]

I do love my Mum. I'm just very hurt by her right now and her lack of contact in the past 4 or so weeks since we spoke.

 

As you should be.

 

It doesn't sound like the apple fell far from the tree (your grandparents and your mom).

 

It doesn't matter whether you need to lose weight or not (you indicated you don't); that's not the issue of course. The issue is that your grandfather was out of line and said a very crass, insulting thing to the granddaughter he supposedly loves. Who knows why. Some people are just rude, and that's life. Usually it is more about them than the person to whom they are being rude.

 

I think if I were you I would talk to your brother and explain that you would prefer not to sit at the same table as your grandparents. It's their wedding and I presume they are planning these details, and I can't see why they would have a problem with it. Then say nothing to your mother about it. It's not her business, and you have nothing to apologize for except the name calling which you already did apologize for. After the wedding, I am sure that things will eventually return to normal.

 

Man, I hate weddings. They are so much more trouble than they are worth.

 

The other thing you could do is let your grandparents' rude behavior roll off your shoulder and be the bigger person. You don't have to be loving towards them, but you could sit at the table, address them politely but as little as possible, and hold your head high because they are the ones with the problem.

[mightycpa]

I do love my Mum. I'm just very hurt by her right now and her lack of contact in the past 4 or so weeks since we spoke.

Love and like are two different things, of course. It sounds like your mother's brand of love may have come from her parents.

[ChatroomHero]

Part of being an adult is standing up for yourself and when you have been wronged and not always kow-towing just to keep the 'phony' peace. Kow-towing in a situation like this will only invite future offenses against you.

 

 

Frankly what your grandfather said to you was unacceptable. I would say to your mother that what was said by him was unwarranted, hurtful and disrespectful. You have enough respect for yourself to not stand for that sort of thing and if your mother has so little respect for you as to subject you to sitting with the grandparents knowing what happened, she is just plain wrong.

 

 

At this point if she is expecting an apology, I would simply relay to her that you already have but you will not tolerate her complete lack of respect towards you in your situation. If she shows you respect, great. If not, she can go pound rocks.

 

 

It's not about being mean or vicious or rude, etc. It's about commanding and demanding respect. It might be one thing to play nice if it was merely a perceived slight, but in this case you were plainly wronged.

 

 

Relatives, friends, associates or strangers, it does not matter. You will only get as much respect as you command. As for your brother, I would discuss with him and let him know you are not interested in attending his wedding if he cannot fulfill the simple request of not seating you with people that have treated you that way. I'd imagine he probably has no issue with that and it is not a very big deal as where you sit has little to no bearing on any of his plans. It would be no different if you were getting married and one of his ex-gf's was invited to your wedding. It's not like you would disrespect him by seating him and his wife with his ex. You would make a very simple adjustment.

 

 

Commanding respect does not mean you walk around like you are never wrong or above anyone else, it means you set clear rules in your relationships as to what is acceptable and what is not, and you enforce those rules. With your situation I think it is one of those difficult times with your parents and brother that you make the boundary very clear and make them understand the limits of your tolerance. It's tough to do and takes balls, but half the battle of being an adult means being able to make the tough decisions and stick by them when you know you are right.

[BettyDraper]

While I don't think that being an elder gives someone carte blanche to be rude, sometimes it helps to be more indulgent and gentler with older family members. I don't bring up contentious issues with my parents because I'm protective of them. I also refrain from responding rather than angrily reacting to their beliefs and comments. I treat my parents and in laws like toddlers because there is no way they are going to change. They are also becoming more forgetful and gradually more dependent.

 

Is there any truth to your mother calling you an immature brat? I'm only asking this because I don't know if you have a history of childish behavior. Calling your mother a bitch was puerile and extremely disrespectful. It's understandable that you don't want to sit with your grandparents but it probably wasn't the best choice to demand a new seat. Everyone is stressed and excited about the wedding so it's likely that they do not want to deal with family politics. Maybe your brother and your parents want you to get along again so they thought the wedding was the best time to facilitate that.

 

Unfortunately, living in your mother's home comes with a certain amount of deference to her. That's why you need to leave. Living independently puts you in a better position to setting boundaries. Your mother may not like the lines you draw in the sand but that's not your issue.

[LM85]

While I don't think that being an elder gives someone carte blanche to be rude, sometimes it helps to be more indulgent and gentler with older family members. I don't bring up contentious issues with my parents because I'm protective of them. I also refrain from responding rather than angrily reacting to their beliefs and comments. I treat my parents and in laws like toddlers because there is no way they are going to change. They are also becoming more forgetful and gradually more dependent.

 

Is there any truth to your mother calling you an immature brat? I'm only asking this because I don't know if you have a history of childish behavior. Calling your mother a bitch was puerile and extremely disrespectful. It's understandable that you don't want to sit with your grandparents but it probably wasn't the best choice to demand a new seat. Everyone is stressed and excited about the wedding so it's likely that they do not want to deal with family politics. Maybe your brother and your parents want you to get along again so they thought the wedding was the best time to facilitate that.

 

Unfortunately, living in your mother's home comes with a certain amount of deference to her. That's why you need to leave. Living independently puts you in a better position to setting boundaries. Your mother may not like the lines you draw in the sand but that's not your issue.

 

Yes, my Mother did call me an immature brat and I don't have a habit of being childish, immature or brat like. I also dont live in my Mother's home and haven't done so for more than a decade. I'm 32 and moved out at 20 years old and haven't relied on my parents for anything since I started working full time at 18 years old.

 

I knew as soon as I said she was being a ***** that I was wrong and apologised immediately.

 

I also didn't "demand" to sit at a new table but calmly said I would speak to my brother and ask if it's possible for my boyfriend and I to move to another table due to the circumstances. Which I have done and my brother said it was no problem to move me, he understands and knows I wouldn't do anything to spoil his day.

 

My issue is the way my Mother completely blew up at me, was so rude and so hurtful and has done nothing in the past month to try and resolve the situation or even speak to me.

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[BettyDraper]

Yes, my Mother did call me an immature brat and I don't have a habit of being childish, immature or brat like. I also dont live in my Mother's home and haven't done so for more than a decade. I'm 32 and moved out at 20 years old and haven't relied on my parents for anything since I started working full time at 18 years old.

 

I knew as soon as I said she was being a ***** that I was wrong and apologised immediately.

 

I also didn't "demand" to sit at a new table but calmly said I would speak to my brother and ask if it's possible for my boyfriend and I to move to another table due to the circumstances. Which I have done and my brother said it was no problem to move me, he understands and knows I wouldn't do anything to spoil his day.

 

My issue is the way my Mother completely blew up at me, was so rude and so hurtful and has done nothing in the past month to try and resolve the situation or even speak to me.

 

If you don't live with your parents, why would you bring up the seating issue with your mother in the first place? I also don't understand why you couldn't have just left your mom's house when she blew up at you.

 

I know what your issue is and I agree that your mother didn't need to be so cruel. However, you cannot control her reactions any more than she can control yours. It would be nice if your mother would be respectful and apologize but she's not obligated to do that.

 

I'm glad that you won't have to sit with your grandparents.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

 

I agree with Betty D.

 

If you don't live with your parents, why would you bring up the seating issue with your mother in the first place? I also don't understand why you couldn't have just left your mom's house when she blew up at you.

 

I left home at 18 and never went back.

 

I suffered for years with an abusive mother and spent the first 34 years of my life trying to get her approval.

At 35 I realised that it wasn't going to happen. I woke up said "$od this for a game of soldiers" and got tough.

 

If she was rude on the phone I said "I don't take abuse" and hung up.

 

If she was rude when I was in her house i said "I don't take abuse" and walked out.

 

I told her she didn't come to my house unless she could be pleasant.

 

No drama, no yelling, no arguments - just clear boundaries.

 

Your mother isn't going to change, but you are not obliged to spend time with her.

[LM85]

If you don't live with your parents, why would you bring up the seating issue with your mother in the first place? I also don't understand why you couldn't have just left your mom's house when she blew up at you.

 

I know what your issue is and I agree that your mother didn't need to be so cruel. However, you cannot control her reactions any more than she can control yours. It would be nice if your mother would be respectful and apologize but she's not obligated to do that.

 

I'm glad that you won't have to sit with your grandparents.

 

I didn't bring up the seating arrangement with my Parents, they are the one's who told me that I would be sitting with my Grandparents, when I went to my parents house to visit them. They saw my Brother and future sister in law the day before and my brother mentioned the seating plan to our parents.

 

I did leave once she blew up at me, as mentioned in my original post, I was too upset to drive off straight away so sat in my car crying, whilst I tried to calm down enough to drive. My Dad then came out and persuaded me to come back in the house to sort things out. I went back to the house and tried to smooth things over, once it was clear my Mother wasn't prepared to do so, I left.

[BettyDraper]

OP,

 

I agree with Betty D.

 

 

 

I left home at 18 and never went back.

 

I suffered for years with an abusive mother and spent the first 34 years of my life trying to get her approval.

At 35 I realised that it wasn't going to happen. I woke up said "$od this for a game of soldiers" and got tough.

 

If she was rude on the phone I said "I don't take abuse" and hung up.

 

If she was rude when I was in her house i said "I don't take abuse" and walked out.

 

I told her she didn't come to my house unless she could be pleasant.

 

No drama, no yelling, no arguments - just clear boundaries.

 

Your mother isn't going to change, but you are not obliged to spend time with her.

 

Abusive parents need strong boundaries set for them like little kids.

 

My mother keeps asking me to visit her without my husband. I use the Broken Record Technique and politely decline.

She knows that she isn't allowed to stay with us and we will not stay in her home when we visit.

My mother may pout and complain but we have every reason to keep her at an arm's length.

 

We do the same thing with my MIL because she is just as rude as my mom is. My MIL is not allowed to stay in our home and we refuse to stay in her house when we visit. This is because she has insulted me more than once and made a big scene when my husband respectfully asked her to stop.

[Mittens]

I really don't agree with the concept of 'treading softly' with people older than me, especially if they are parents/grandparents...the fact that they are older means that they should be MORE aware of manners!

 

Just because people are related to me doesn't give them carte blanche to treat me like crap. I'm an adult, like they are, which means I deserve the same level of respect. Also, if you start throwing around insults, don't think just because we are related or are older doesn't mean you aren't going to get the same treatment back...

 

I'm glad your brother has agreed to move you. Regarding your mother, just leave her be. You've set your boundary, it's obviously going to take her some time to get her head around the fact that this is now the way it's going to be.

[BettyDraper]

I really don't agree with the concept of 'treading softly' with people older than me, especially if they are parents/grandparents...the fact that they are older means that they should be MORE aware of manners!

 

Just because people are related to me doesn't give them carte blanche to treat me like crap. I'm an adult, like they are, which means I deserve the same level of respect. Also, if you start throwing around insults, don't think just because we are related or are older doesn't mean you aren't going to get the same treatment back...

 

I'm glad your brother has agreed to move you. Regarding your mother, just leave her be. You've set your boundary, it's obviously going to take her some time to get her head around the fact that this is now the way it's going to be.

 

Sometimes throwing insults back just fans the flames.

It's a sign of maturity to disengage from tense situations rather than trading insults. This goes for all interactions and relationships. You don't always have to sink to the level of people who are cruel and rude.

 

I was raised to respect elders but when elders are consistently inappropriate, I simply distance myself from them rather than start fights or trade insults. I'm not interested in fighting with my mother or my MIL; I'm too old for that nonsense.

[BTDT2012]

You don't have to attend every argument that you're invited to. Calling your mother a bitch seems very much out of proportion to the incident that you described. If she was as upset as you described she likely never processed your apology.

And can someone explain to me why fat is the ultimate insult?

[BettyDraper]

You don't have to attend every argument that you're invited to. Calling your mother a bitch seems very much out of proportion to the incident that you described. If she was as upset as you described she likely never processed your apology.

And can someone explain to me why fat is the ultimate insult?

 

I think fat is an insult because it's a very negative word about one's appearance. Let's not forget that the OP's grandparents also said that she was disgusting which is definitely disparaging.

 

I don't think the OP should have used that word to describe her mother but I can see why the OP was angry. Her mother was being cruel.

 

About 10-15 years ago, I was getting into frequent arguments with my parents. I didn't know how to handle my intense anger at them. As I grew up, I learned how to deal with the people who raised me in a manner which would not result in fights.