Having that crisis...

[heavenonearth]

Hi folks.

 

I am feeling really down today. Already on my second glass of red wine, having eaten half a bag of chips and just started a chocolate (it's organic, whoo hoo).

In 1,5 hours I am turning 30.

I am single. I am still in school. I have fallen in love twice in the past year, and both times it did not work out.

 

I feel just really lonely, and partially, I feel like I have failed in love.

I have had so many relationships, I have had a lot of chances, and they never worked out. Maybe it was always my fault, maybe it was just bad luck.

 

Everyone around me is getting married and having kids, or getting engaged. And I am still alone. It's funny, about 10 years ago, everyone always thought I'd be the first to get married, as I was always in relationships, always happy with 'someone'.

 

But here I am, wondering if I am even cut out to be with 'anyone'.

 

Part of me can rationally think about this: I am not in the best place to find a lover. I live abroad, and don't really like the mentality of the people around me. I will move back to my hometown in half a years time, and by then, I will surely be in a much better place, financially, with getting work and with being close to family and old friends.

But still, I feel I should be in a different place now, as I always thought I'd be...

 

The worst part about it? It's not even only that I worry that I will never find 'the one'... It's also that I don't want to wait too long to have children. One of the main reason is my father. He's very ill and I really want him to live to see his grandchildren. I always thought that by 32/33 I will have kids. But it just doesn't look like that's going to happen. It would break my heart if he would die before my children are born. But how can I become a mother, if I don't have a partner to begin with?

All this gives me great anxiety.

 

I really am just so down these days, it's been like this for several weeks now.

 

I just deleted my dating apps. So sick of feeling desperate. I know I don't need to be on the lookout all the time, I know it's unlikely that I will find that person on a dating app. Urgh, it's just a *****ty feeling, as I find I am quite a good catch, and I wonder why people around me are able to find someone whilst I can't. I don't even have high standards and have loved plenty.

Sometimes I do think something is wrong with me, then again I realize, maybe I just pick *****ty men. I don't know.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant, if anyone has some words of encouragement, I'd appreciate it.

 

TL;DR: Female turning 30 tomorrow fears she will never find 'the one'.

Edited February 20, 2017 by heavenonearth

[preraph]

Location is everything. You have to go where you fit in to meet lots of people you may have something in common with. Don't do anything stupid just because of your dad being in bad shape. I'm sure it's the last thing he would want, you jumping into parenthood too soon. He already had his kids. That's what he cares most about.

 

Hope you are able to be by his side a lot.