Being his mistress is suffocating me (Updated)

[princess67]

At first, it was fun and exciting. But after almost 4 years, I am having a hard time being the mistress of a married man. I find that I am not feeling euphoric like I used to. That I am not as excited about him.

 

I am not sure what is happening to me? I used to be so crazy about him. It is like a let down. I do care about him deeply but I find I am pulling away. The sex is still amazing and we have this crazy chemistry, even after all this time. But I am feeling down a lot. I am just totally ripped down the middle, conflicted.

 

Even after sex, I don't feel emotionally connected enough to him. It is like I want more depth. Sometimes I feel like it is just sex. And he does hold back his emotions, much more than I do. And that is so tough to bear. And that is hard on me. I love him now so whatever happens, my heart will be torn apart. It is like I see the end of the road up ahead and it terrifies me and stops me from enjoying the moment.

 

I guess I feel that he is not in love with me. And it is one sided. And I am having a hard time letting him go. Because I worry I will never find this kind of sexual connection ever again. And I would truly miss him and spend the rest of my life missing him. We just click. It is like I am trying to let him go. Distancing myself from him. Always thinking he is cheating and pulling away from him. He wants to stay with me. Says I am exciting and the sex is over the top. That he is hopelessly hooked on me. He is like a moth to my flame. Calls me his Goddess. He says he cares about me but does not love me.

 

He won't leave his wife. Surprise, surprise. He is much older than I am and she is older like he is. Says his marriage is like a brother-sister relationship and has been for years. We have travelled many times together. Shared overnights. We run in the same social circle and attend all the same events, know the same people. We have share a lot in our time together. I would feel a void without him. But he is making me feel miserable. Bad about myself. Even though he is still there for me.

 

Even though he is still dedicated to this affair and tries very hard to please me. How is it that this man made me feel so good at first? Like I was special? And like no other? Yet now my self esteem has gone down hill and I feel I have no self worth. Why now? What has happened to change how I see him, how I feel about myself and how I see our affair? Is this all normal? He is my happy place and my place of misery all at once. He's my Heaven and my Hell. I feel stuck. I think I am finding it hard to go on this way. Being his toy is no longer a novelty for me. In fact, I am starting to resent that is all I am. I wish I was more.

 

I guess this is what happens all too often with this kind of a story. I just don't want to see the end of a dream. But reality is crushing me now. So much. And the pain is surpassing the joy. He seems okay with me leaving if I need a man who provides me a full time relationship. It kills me that he can just watch me walk away. And he won't chase me. It kills me that I love him so much but he is willing to let me go if I felt that is what I needed to do. That he would not fight for me. What can I do? Please no judgment. I cannot speak to anyone about this and have been suffering a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights.

Edited February 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to OM/OW

[stillafool]

Well just end it.

[BeingBlunt]

You need to end this. Even if he does leave his wife for you, he is more than likely going to cheat on you in the future. Either way, this is not going to end well. If you know someone is married, do not engage. I bet there are plenty of people out there that would be more than happy to be with you. You just have to find those who aren't taken. And honestly if you choose to leave, he shouldn't chase you. He's a married man (which if this comes out, I doubt that will be for long) and has no obligation to chase after you.

[BaileyB]

If this relationship is not bringing you joy, but causing you heartache, pain, anxiety, and sleepless nights... Why are you still involved in this relationship?

 

It won't change... It's very unlikely that he will ever leave his wife to be with you and even if he did, it's very unlikely that your relationship will last.

 

Affairs are terribly one sided relationships. You give, he takes, and at the end of the day... he enjoys life with his wife and family and you are left with... Nothing.

 

What do you want for your life? Why do you think that this "relationship" with an unavailable man is all you deserve?

 

If you are not happy, then find some support and end it.

 

It starts with counselling. Good luck to you.

Edited February 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[Techmonkey]

"a married man"

 

Probably best to withdraw and move on if you're too emotionally invested.

[leogirl876]

He is cheating, on his wife with you!!! And he might even have more than one mistress. Dump this loser! Even if he left his wife for you, which he won't but if he did, he'd cheat on you with someone else!

[Ruby Slippers]

End it now. Youth is a major asset for a woman, so don't waste it in a dead end situation. Will this man be there for you once you're past your prime? Not a chance.

[LostOnes05]

You're a mistress[]. It's just sex and that's it. He's still married as you say "after all this time" so obviously he has more to lose by leaving his marriage than he has to gain by being with you. You are attached because you keep having sex with him. And with 7 billion people and counting on Earth I'm sure you can find a single guy to be with that will treat you the way you would like...or maybe sneaking around is your thing. Either way this won't end well for you. If he leaves his wife for you, how can you trust someone knowing that they will cheat and stay with you? He'll cheat or maybe you will. Also, in some states (U.S.) there are laws where the other man/woman can be named in the divorce proceedings if the spouse finds out. Is that something that you want? Is that something you want floating through your social circle? Or affecting every relationship you have from then on because you facilitated in cheating.

 

Just think...a fork fits well and can give you a spark if you stick it in an outlet. Doesn't mean it's good for you. This is one of those situations.

Edited February 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[smackie9]

It's not you he gets excited about, it's to act of him having an affair in secret. If he left his wife to start a relationship with you, it would lose it's flavor like an old piece of chewing gum. You saw it as romance, he saw it as a thrill. This is a lesson learned....married people who cheat are just looking for a quick fix.

[mortensorchid]

Your issues aside, he's just taking advantage of a good thing. You want something that he's not giving you. And he never will. End it now before you get REALLY hurt or REALLY burned, not like you haven't been already.

[freengreen]

He got a single mistress stringed to his fingers and he is an old man. He knows it cant get any better than this for him. He will not let you go.

 

If someone needs to do it, its you.

[oceansaway]

It is the cycle of the relationship. You are finally seeing him in the true color that he is...a cheater and liar. It is part of the process when the affair fog finally lifts and you take him off the pedestal that we all put a person on.

 

Focus on yourself and move on. It WILL get better.

[dogloverof2]

You get one life. You are wasting yours on a man that doesn't give a care about you.

 

If you were in a boat with him and his wife, and the boat started to sink. You had better have a life jacket on and know how to swim, cause he will save his wife....

[jah526]

He says he cares about me but does not love me.

 

This is a lie. If he cared about you, he wouldn't continue to do something that hurts you. Truth is in the actions, not the words, as many here will say. He loves and cares about himself only.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt to prove it.

 

I tormented for a long time as well and it was slow and gradual slip into my personal h*ll. Not long after hitting rock bottom (you'll know when you get there), I would repeat to myself "I am worth more than this. I can't do this anymore" a hundred times a day.....until I actually believed I couldn't do this anymore. It is empowering. Trust me.

[d0nnivain]

I'm trying not to judge.

 

 

Let's look at the facts from this & your other threads.

 

 

1. You feel smothered.

 

 

2. Being in this relationship no longer brings you joy

 

 

3. He stopped bringing you gifts when he travels.

 

 

4. You now understand he will never leave his wife for you.

 

 

5. He's OK with you taking a job as a phone sex worker

 

 

6. You are sticking around solely because you think you will never find the same level of sexual connection.

 

 

If you are not happy, you need to do things that change your status. He won't. He doesn't care enough about you. When it was easy & the sex was good for him, he was on board. Now not so much.

 

 

Your future is in your hands. Chose wisely.

[Southern Sun]

You said he is making you feel bad about yourself, but I don't think that's true. Isn't it YOU making you feel bad about yourself? Aren't you causing the loss of your own self-esteem?

 

It is because you see the dead-end of your own relationship and yet remain in it. You know that you are not the woman that he wants to show off in public, that he is committed to "for better or worse", that he loves for more than a sexual connection. And yet...you stay.

 

He apparently treats you well...for the situation. But doesn't it all make you feel a little sick inside? You can't really hide from the truth. You know full well what you are doing and what the end will be. You know that your heart will break now and in the future. I know how hard it is...believe me. But it's the knowledge that you are staying in spite of the lack of love, care, and respect - and the lack of ANY possibility of a future - that has caused the plummeting of your self-esteem.

 

He does not hold the key to your value. You do.

[Hunniebae]

I so remember being where you are. Constantly questioning the relationship. Moving from physical to emotional to nothing. Now I am in nc. It hurts like hell but LS has helped me see right through the BS mm was trying to keep me in.

 

I know you will receive the same great advice that I received....Good luck...

 

PS...if the intimacy no longer makes your feel attached to him, it is a reason why....

[princess67]

I appreciate that complete strangers are trying to help me.

 

The thing is that I have been extremely high maintenance if you look at it through his perspective or any married guy's perspective who is looking to have some uncomplicated fun. It never remains UNcomplicated. Some guys make the mistake of hanging onto one woman for too long. That is where the danger is. If you want a [woman] for just sex and thrills, you need to move along quickly from one to another and avoid emotional attachment. My love for him is what is going to be his demise.

 

My emotional attachment is the loaded gun. So, it begs the question? Why would a seasoned cheater get involved not only with a SINGLE woman which unevens the playing field (ie. she has nothing to lose) AND stay with her for 4 years?? Maybe just maybe he is not a seasoned cheater. Maybe just maybe he was not lying when he told me he lost the intimate connection with his wife and they became more like a brother and sister. Maybe he was not lying when he told me I am his first affair. I have tried to convince myself if he has stayed this long with me, four years this June, then it must be more than just sex. That he MUST have feelings for me.

 

Most men don't want the drama. But man does he get drama with me! Like no other. I let him have it. When I am upset, he knows it. I let it all out. I do not sit there and act like all is fine. I have said some very mean and nasty things to him. I have been close to pushing him away many times. I am brutally honest. And I accuse him of stuff all the time. I ride him good. No, not talking sexually. And yet through it all, he has stayed. No matter how much I beat him up, he stays. I can say anything to him and I abuse him verbally and emotionally and yet he stays. And is not showing any signs of wavering. He gets pissed at me but comes back to me. He is like a faithful little dog. He just loves the sex I give him. So, he sticks to me like crazy glue. And I to him. The other day he said he knows he is a very lucky man. That I am irreplaceable and it would be impossible to find better. He knows I worry he could dabble [] because he does it to his wife with me. That is why. I am not saying he is. But it is hard to trust a man who is already unfaithful to the woman he supposedly loves.

 

I am banking on the fact I keep him satisfied and satiated and I am much younger. I am also banking on the fact he is pushing his mid 60's and hopefully settling down that way. That he does not need to hunt and score women like guys half his age. I am hoping he's been there and done that. Although he swears he is not like other men. And in many ways, he is right. He is not like other men. But he is in typical in the fact that he does not want to lose his main life for me. He says he is nearing retirement age and has life plans with his wife, who is actually even older than he is. She is 20 years older than me. I am not sure what he sees in her. But she does have a nice nest egg which allows them to travel the world. She was married twice and has two sons, each by different men. I have met her once. She is a very cool and rigid and practical woman. Likes to knit and she's not social. More of a loner. She does not drive. He has to drive her places. Compared to me. Adventurous, fun, funny, a dreamer, jumps in with both feet, full of passion and life. I am social and love people. I am independent and unpredictable. Anything but practical like her.

 

It is a very unlikely pairing. We never meant for it to happen. It took me by surprise. I had just ended a previous relationship and was still vulnerable. In he came and swept me away by his helpfulness and kindness and attention he gave me. I never thought I would go a man that much older. In fact, that was not something which was appealing to me. But I sensed this gentleness inside him. This vulnerability as well. A little boy screaming for love and affection. He seemed starved of that. His wife did drop the ball. So, I suppose I took it upon myself to rescue him. And now I need him to rescue me. To love me. To commit to me. But I realize it won't happen. And I also realize if it did, maybe just maybe he would get bored of me too. That we would get bored because the illicit nature of this relationship does keep us coming back for more. It is like you know it's bad for you but you crave it and you cannot stop.

 

I do feel trapped. Because whichever decision I make, it is going to hurt me. I hurt staying with him. I will hurt without him. I suppose having bits of him is better than nothing. At least that is what I am telling myself. But it is hard when we had plans and he has to cancel cause the wife is no longer going to where she was going and staying home. These changes are really brutal and hard to deal with. I just wish I had more time with him. And more of him. I just wish he could love me too the way I love him. And I guess I just don't understand how a man can have sex and a relationship (of sorts) with woman for 4 years and never develop an emotional bond to her? It makes me sad that men are built that way. I never thought he was like the rest. He always tells me he has feelings for me and cares for me.

Edited February 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language and paragraphs ~6

[BaileyB]

Please don't waste any more of your life pining for a man who wants nothing more than sex from you.

 

You can try to justify it any way that you want, but at the end of the day he wanted no strings attached sex. He has a wife, a family... and he has enjoyed a little fun [].

 

Don't waste your life.

Edited February 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[OWAmy]

The scariest part is where you are right now - in limbo. A seed has been planted in your head about ending it and end it you will. It took me six months from landing on here to end my affair.

 

I don't think he is in it just for the sex. Yes, serial cheaters are, but they are not the ones who usually maintain such long affairs. Those arrangements fizzle out pretty quickly. But what good is it even if there is love? He's holding you back from living your life and he must know this. He bends over backwards to appease you as he's conflict avoidant. Just wants to be the good guy - concerned about people think about him. A lot of these MM are. Is he in a room mate marriage? Possibly. I have been in a relationship just like this, so I know they exist. I have loads of friends in their late 30s now and they moan of the same.

 

Now is the time to concentrate on you. It might not be time yet for you to pull the plug. My experience is that once the idea of ending it appears there's no getting away from it. No more limbo...something has to happen. You might be like me - I worked through a lot of stuff with a psychotherapist about why I'd gotten myself into such a mess. This I believe is key. When you start sorting yourself out and start implementing new boundaries you'll find that the affair no longer sits comfortably with you...then you will end it.

[smackie9]

Well maybe it for financial reasons. Divorce/ alimony and then supporting another wife gets expensive. You are not costing him that much.....cheaper than the alternative, a new wife or prostitute. Plus he is being lazy....why go chasing someone else when you keep sticking around. The arrangement is what he is happy with.

[BuddyX]

Had a buddy who joined the Army. He told me the 2 reasons why he joined; respect and Booty. He told me, when he rocks his formal uniform women are all over him. I asked if he understood the danger that came along with signing up. He told me, "Yup. But I get tail if I come back home alive"

 

Men will do anything for sex. You can give him all the drama, but if you put out, he'll just suck it up.

[MJJean]

I was a seasoned cheater who had an affair for 6 years with a single man I very much liked as a person, yet I never felt more than friendship and attraction for him. The sex was great, the companionship enjoyable, and he was available when I needed to get away from my life. Just because it's been 4 years doesn't mean he isn't a seasoned cheater or that he has real feelings for you. He's getting good sex, a fun companion, a break from his life, and all the nummy brain chemical floods from the highs and lows of drama. Unless his wife leaves him, he's going to keep this going until either A) his wife dies B) he loses interest in sex due to age or health or C) you walk away.

[Southern Sun]

I appreciate that complete strangers are trying to help me.

 

The thing is that I have been extremely high maintenance if you look at it through his perspective or any married guy's perspective who is looking to have some uncomplicated fun. It never remains UNcomplicated. Some guys make the mistake of hanging onto one woman for too long. That is where the danger is. If you want a [woman] for just sex and thrills, you need to move along quickly from one to another and avoid emotional attachment. My love for him is what is going to be his demise.

 

My emotional attachment is the loaded gun. So, it begs the question? Why would a seasoned cheater get involved not only with a SINGLE woman which unevens the playing field (ie. she has nothing to lose) AND stay with her for 4 years?? Maybe just maybe he is not a seasoned cheater. Maybe just maybe he was not lying when he told me he lost the intimate connection with his wife and they became more like a brother and sister. Maybe he was not lying when he told me I am his first affair. I have tried to convince myself if he has stayed this long with me, four years this June, then it must be more than just sex. That he MUST have feelings for me.

 

Most men don't want the drama. But man does he get drama with me! Like no other. I let him have it. When I am upset, he knows it. I let it all out. I do not sit there and act like all is fine. I have said some very mean and nasty things to him. I have been close to pushing him away many times. I am brutally honest. And I accuse him of stuff all the time. I ride him good. No, not talking sexually. And yet through it all, he has stayed. No matter how much I beat him up, he stays. I can say anything to him and I abuse him verbally and emotionally and yet he stays. And is not showing any signs of wavering. He gets pissed at me but comes back to me. He is like a faithful little dog. He just loves the sex I give him. So, he sticks to me like crazy glue. And I to him. The other day he said he knows he is a very lucky man. That I am irreplaceable and it would be impossible to find better. He knows I worry he could dabble [] because he does it to his wife with me. That is why. I am not saying he is. But it is hard to trust a man who is already unfaithful to the woman he supposedly loves.

 

I am banking on the fact I keep him satisfied and satiated and I am much younger. I am also banking on the fact he is pushing his mid 60's and hopefully settling down that way. That he does not need to hunt and score women like guys half his age. I am hoping he's been there and done that. Although he swears he is not like other men. And in many ways, he is right. He is not like other men. But he is in typical in the fact that he does not want to lose his main life for me. He says he is nearing retirement age and has life plans with his wife, who is actually even older than he is. She is 20 years older than me. I am not sure what he sees in her. But she does have a nice nest egg which allows them to travel the world. She was married twice and has two sons, each by different men. I have met her once. She is a very cool and rigid and practical woman. Likes to knit and she's not social. More of a loner. She does not drive. He has to drive her places. Compared to me. Adventurous, fun, funny, a dreamer, jumps in with both feet, full of passion and life. I am social and love people. I am independent and unpredictable. Anything but practical like her.

 

It is a very unlikely pairing. We never meant for it to happen. It took me by surprise. I had just ended a previous relationship and was still vulnerable. In he came and swept me away by his helpfulness and kindness and attention he gave me. I never thought I would go a man that much older. In fact, that was not something which was appealing to me. But I sensed this gentleness inside him. This vulnerability as well. A little boy screaming for love and affection. He seemed starved of that. His wife did drop the ball. So, I suppose I took it upon myself to rescue him. And now I need him to rescue me. To love me. To commit to me. But I realize it won't happen. And I also realize if it did, maybe just maybe he would get bored of me too. That we would get bored because the illicit nature of this relationship does keep us coming back for more. It is like you know it's bad for you but you crave it and you cannot stop.

 

I do feel trapped. Because whichever decision I make, it is going to hurt me. I hurt staying with him. I will hurt without him. I suppose having bits of him is better than nothing. At least that is what I am telling myself. But it is hard when we had plans and he has to cancel cause the wife is no longer going to where she was going and staying home. These changes are really brutal and hard to deal with. I just wish I had more time with him. And more of him. I just wish he could love me too the way I love him. And I guess I just don't understand how a man can have sex and a relationship (of sorts) with woman for 4 years and never develop an emotional bond to her? It makes me sad that men are built that way. I never thought he was like the rest. He always tells me he has feelings for me and cares for me.

 

Soooo...you're getting what out of this exactly?

 

I'm trying to figure out what you're defending. So you've been really high maintenance and emotional and he's still "putting up" with you, and that MEANS something to you? You conclude that maybe he's not really a player and hasn't done this before so that MEANS something to you?

 

Do you think it means he "loves" you? By what definition? And if so...then what? He's already told you he won't DO anything about it. What is love without doing anything about it?

 

Why do you need him to want you so badly? Why do you need to be the one he chooses? When it ultimately goes nowhere and means nothing? Do you just desperately need him to not choose someone ELSE? You did say he was in his 60s. Maybe he's hanging on because he doesn't expect he will land someone else. Or it's hard work finding another OW who will accept what he's willing to give.

 

You should just spend some time looking at your agenda. You said yourself you feel trapped. That is worth noting. I think you are more worried about losing him to another than actually wanting to keep him.