Being his mistress is suffocating me (Updated)

[jennifernyc84]

At first, it was fun and exciting. But after almost 4 years, I am having a hard time being the mistress of a married man. I find that I am not feeling euphoric like I used to. That I am not as excited about him.

 

I am not sure what is happening to me? I used to be so crazy about him. It is like a let down. I do care about him deeply but I find I am pulling away. The sex is still amazing and we have this crazy chemistry, even after all this time. But I am feeling down a lot. I am just totally ripped down the middle, conflicted.

 

Even after sex, I don't feel emotionally connected enough to him. It is like I want more depth. Sometimes I feel like it is just sex. And he does hold back his emotions, much more than I do. And that is so tough to bear. And that is hard on me. I love him now so whatever happens, my heart will be torn apart. It is like I see the end of the road up ahead and it terrifies me and stops me from enjoying the moment.

 

I guess I feel that he is not in love with me. And it is one sided. And I am having a hard time letting him go. Because I worry I will never find this kind of sexual connection ever again. And I would truly miss him and spend the rest of my life missing him. We just click. It is like I am trying to let him go. Distancing myself from him. Always thinking he is cheating and pulling away from him. He wants to stay with me. Says I am exciting and the sex is over the top. That he is hopelessly hooked on me. He is like a moth to my flame. Calls me his Goddess. He says he cares about me but does not love me.

 

He won't leave his wife. Surprise, surprise. He is much older than I am and she is older like he is. Says his marriage is like a brother-sister relationship and has been for years. We have travelled many times together. Shared overnights. We run in the same social circle and attend all the same events, know the same people. We have share a lot in our time together. I would feel a void without him. But he is making me feel miserable. Bad about myself. Even though he is still there for me.

 

Even though he is still dedicated to this affair and tries very hard to please me. How is it that this man made me feel so good at first? Like I was special? And like no other? Yet now my self esteem has gone down hill and I feel I have no self worth. Why now? What has happened to change how I see him, how I feel about myself and how I see our affair? Is this all normal? He is my happy place and my place of misery all at once. He's my Heaven and my Hell. I feel stuck. I think I am finding it hard to go on this way. Being his toy is no longer a novelty for me. In fact, I am starting to resent that is all I am. I wish I was more.

 

I guess this is what happens all too often with this kind of a story. I just don't want to see the end of a dream. But reality is crushing me now. So much. And the pain is surpassing the joy. He seems okay with me leaving if I need a man who provides me a full time relationship. It kills me that he can just watch me walk away. And he won't chase me. It kills me that I love him so much but he is willing to let me go if I felt that is what I needed to do. That he would not fight for me. What can I do? Please no judgment. I cannot speak to anyone about this and have been suffering a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you have written. It's not easy letting go when you have grown to love someone, even if the relationship is a dead end, it's still so so hard.

 

I can totally understand and feel the same about how you said you're worried you'll never find someone you connect with that well, or have that amazingly fantastic sex with. I've said and felt like that too.

 

But the truth is, he's told you straight out, that he's not leaving her for you. He's even told you that he doesn't love you. I know that's a hard pill to swallow but are you expecting him to change his mind?

 

My xMM was at least telling me loved me and he'd leave her (it was all a life, of course) and he'd chase after me when ever I'd break it off. Honey, it doesn't seem like he'd even do that for you.

 

Now I'm not saying my guy was so much better for lying to me lol but what I'm saying is, he was lying to me to make me stay. He was giving me (false) hope. Your guy isn't even doing that.

 

I know it's hard, I'm struggling with this too, but we have to want more for ourselves. We could wait forever for these guys to come around and before we know it, we've wasted our youth all for nothing.

 

We're young. We should start living and enjoying our lives. Not sneaking around on borrowed time with someone else's husband.

Edited February 21, 2017 by jennifernyc84

[sandylee1]

He's mid 60s so I can't imagine women are queuing up to be his mistress. The only way they would be,requires him to lavish them with money. Like a sugar daddy. He'd have to be very wealthy to drop you and hope to get a replacement.

 

He probably says 'blah blah blah' in his head when you rant, but at the end of the day you give him a wild time in the sack, which his older wife doesn't.

 

It's the regular safe sex and the fact that he has a younger mistress who adores him. I'd probably go for it if I was a 60 something year old man too.

[BaileyB]

If he's in his mid-60's though, he may not be going after it for very much longer... What will happen when he's not as interested in sex in a few years, for age or health related reasons? What will you be to him then?

[jah526]

He probably says 'blah blah blah' in his head when you rant, but at the end of the day you give him a wild time in the sack, which his older wife doesn't.

 

It's the regular safe sex and the fact that he has a younger mistress who adores him. I'd probably go for it if I was a 60 something year old man too.

 

Yep, I can vouch for both of these things. I sent MM a few nasty texts on several occasions, and he didn't like that one bit. But the last time we talked he actually mocked those texts (it was funny... I laughed). In retrospect, that is probably the way he heard them. All just "BS stuff", as he would put it, until he could get what he really wanted.

 

And the regular safe sex... yes, also. He was very concerned about this. Not for my sake, but for his and his wife's. Now he's going to have to go through a whole new vetting process with someone else. Ha!! Good luck to him!!

[BluesPower]

Princess, I just feel so bad for you...

 

I have been your MM, not any longer, but I have had several girls like you.

 

So let me tell you some truth about your relationship with him.

 

Your "high maintenance" and "emotionalism" is really spit in the ocean for him. It is nothing compared to what it takes to keep a wife off your a**. So don't even think that means he loves you, baby he really does not. Not the way that a sweet young woman like you needs, not at all.

 

Nothing I am going to tell you should give you any false hope, because there is none.

 

Now, he does care for you, in a way. You could actually call it love but it is not the "crawl though broken glass" type of love that all women want. The fact is if his wife passed he would move you in yesterday.

 

But he will never leave his wife, it costs him too much at this stage of his life. And the cost always goes up.

 

He does care for you, and that is one reason that he would be willing to let you go. He actually feels guilt for keeping a beautiful woman hidden and wasting her years loving him, all the while knowing that he will never give you what you deserve, true love.

 

As far as the sexual aspect, you can find that with other men. I have had several GFs where we had a great sexual connection. You just have to look for it.

 

The way that you are feeling is completely normal. You are realizing that you are wasting your life with your MM, and as much as you love him, it will never be more than it is right now.

 

Yes it will hurt when you leave him, but you know that is what you have to do. You deserve a man that will love you completely.

 

You know what you need to do, and it is time to move on with your life...

[whichwayisup]

Why would a seasoned cheater get involved not only with a SINGLE woman which unevens the playing field (ie. she has nothing to lose) AND stay with her for 4 years??

 

Question should be why have you stayed with him for FOUR years? You'll never know the answers to this unless you ask him directly. But my guess is, he's getting sex out of it and you feed his ego. I'm sure he cares about you but he's not emotionally attached to you like you are to him.

 

You're wasting your precious heart and life on him, making him your number one all the meanwhile you're not his number one. He has no intention of ending his marriage to be with you and make a life with you.

 

If this guy was single and you were this unhappy, wouldn't you end it? Or would you just continue on? Where's your self love and self respect?

 

End it so you can grieve the loss and heal so when the timing is right you can find a great (single) guy who will love only you.

[Taxed]

Question should be why have you stayed with him for FOUR years? You'll never know the answers to this unless you ask him directly. But my guess is, he's getting sex out of it and you feed his ego. I'm sure he cares about you but he's not emotionally attached to you like you are to him.

 

You're wasting your precious heart and life on him, making him your number one all the meanwhile you're not his number one. He has no intention of ending his marriage to be with you and make a life with you.

 

If this guy was single and you were this unhappy, wouldn't you end it? Or would you just continue on? Where's your self love and self respect?

 

End it so you can grieve the loss and heal so when the timing is right you can find a great (single) guy who will love only you.

 

Agree with Whichwayisup. Princess, years in the A do not count for much - actions however, do. If you would like him to commit to more I am afraid, that you will be sorely dissapointed after all this time. I should know, I was with XMM for almost 6 years and yeah, maybe it "meant something". In the end he chose to stay married so... Your safest bet is probably the old saying that if he wanted to be with you, he would have taken action to make that happen. It sounds to me like perhaps addiction more than love. Not judging.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Taxed

[stillafool]

Most cheating men love sex with women they consider cray, cray (highly emotional, yelling, screaming, crying all the time). It makes the man feel highly desirable so I'm sure if he's in his 60's it boosts his ego big time. He wouldn't trade his wife for this type of nonsense but it's great when you want hot sex.