burritosntacos Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Me and my current boyfriend have been together for almost a two years now. He is Muslim and I am Christian...technically. Both of us don't practice religion too much. I am not very religious (it isn't a huge deal to me). He also isn't too religious as a Muslim; is in a relationship, drinks a little, eats pork (which are all forbidden technically). However, he is from a very religious conservative family. He recently told his mom about me after a little bit of me pushing him to do so. He says that the only way he could marry me was if I converted religions which is strictly so I am accepted within his family and he doesn't complicate his family's relationship. I love him very much and were pretty committed to each other. I understand his point of view in which he doesn't want to complicate his relationship with his mom. I was never close to my mom so I would never wish what I had upon anyone else. In the end, (despite the fact that I'm not sure my parents would support it) I feel that I can see myself converting just to make it work. It seems like a better alternative than losing the person that I love and want a future with. I would love to know other people's thoughts on this. Would you convert for religion? Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 No. I wouldn't be with someone who wanted me to be someone I'm not. Pretty simple really. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 People convert because they truly believe. You don't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Converting is serious business. Learn about Islam. You never convert for another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 You are talking about a belief system. It's one thing for Christians to change denominations, but it is a whole different thing what you're proposing. I'd say you need to research and be 100% certain you know what the expectations would be of you as a Muslim woman in whatever country you are planning to live in AND in his family. Do you know longer believe in Father, Son and Holy Spirit? Do you believe in Allah and are you prepared to sacrifice for him? You mght want to check out Ramadan. Last I knew, no food or drink sun up to sun down. Do you no longer believe Jesus was born unto the unmarried Mary and died for our sins? Forget Christmas and Easter. The mainstream Muslims I've know don't allow Santa Claus, Rudolph and the childlike aspects of the day (as well as the holy aspects) in their houses. They may give the bare minimum of socially expected gifts just to maintain status quo. That means you can expect no presents from him or his family. That means you future children will get Ramadan presents, but not Christmas. I'd be super super cautious of a possible bait and switch. He may tell you before you're married that you are still "allowed" to spend the holidays with your family, but that can change. You also should do some research on Muslim weddings. Depending on where they are from, this could be drastically different than you are used to. A college classmate married a Muslim in Africa and yep, they had someone watch them have sex and then offer pointers. She showed a picture of the wedding bed. He has a huge smile on his face and she is stressed and miserable looking. This was taken after the consummation. I'd just proceed with caution. Religion is not always one of those areas where you can pick and choose what you're going to follow. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Forget everything else, the "no pork" rule is a deal breaker for me. Everything else I don't like about religion is bad enough, but no pork? Oh hell nah. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Your boyfriend is not a strict Muslim, so you probably wouldn't be expected to live as a devout Muslim. But what life changes would be required of you? As far as your beliefs go, Allah is God by a different name. But do you believe there is a deity? Also, what country does he come from? If you go there, are you free to come and go as you please without your husband's permission? What about international custody arrangements? Link to post Share on other sites
Author burritosntacos Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 Would it make a difference if I emphasized that the request for conversion isn't necessarily coming from him? I can tell that he's almost as indifferent about religion as I am. If he had no family in the picture, I'm sure he wouldn't care at all who is what religion. But since he comes from a conservative family, I guess he feels kind of responsible to not complicate his family relationships (mom is somewhat supportive, dad is not). Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 He says that the only way he could marry me was if I converted religions which is strictly so I am accepted within his family and he doesn't complicate his family's relationship. RED FLAG! Religion should only be converted due to personal reasons, not because some guy is forcing you to be in another religion. It is one thing if he was religious and showing you the good part of whatever he wants to show you on that religion, but simply saying "Only way I am doing this is if you change your religion" is simply controlling and nonsense. What is next? "Can you wear this hijab honey ... only for the Ramadan trip. Just for my family." or "Would you mind waking up at 5 am to pray ... so they don't think you are some American haram" I mean come on! No. Just no. Religiously, I don't have a dog in this game .. so to speak. But this is just wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Would it make a difference if I emphasized that the request for conversion isn't necessarily coming from him? I can tell that he's almost as indifferent about religion as I am. If he had no family in the picture, I'm sure he wouldn't care at all who is what religion. But since he comes from a conservative family, I guess he feels kind of responsible to not complicate his family relationships (mom is somewhat supportive, dad is not). He may be indifferent right now. This doesn't mean he won't feel a need to return to his roots later, especially once children enter the picture. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Absolutely not. But what you decide to do is your business. Link to post Share on other sites
ffw Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 If he truly loves you, he should not force you in changing your beliefs. Didn't he knew this before he got involved with you? Are you sure the prerequisites/demands are going to end up here? How much are you willing to sacrifice and how much he's willing to? Think about it in long terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Why can't he convert to your religion? The idea that this is a big enough deal for him to decide marriage on is a pretty big deal. Taking his dad's preference over anyone else's is going to come up time and time again. He lies about how devout he is and makes appearances around his family. I am not religious, so no, I would not take on any religion for someone else. I feel just as strongly on not being religious as they do on being religious and would be a dealbreaker. I would say, learn about the religion, see if it something that is of interest to you, do you want to convert and want to accept it. But I would definitely question his need for appearances and also why he wasn't upfront with you about this from day one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Would you convert religion for love?Me, no. I can't see that ever having happened or happening. In other peoples' lives I have seen it work although those people had their strict religious beliefs in common with each other. Being ambivalent about the religion you want to convert to will only make things more difficult than they already would be. <snip> He says that the only way he could marry me was if I converted religions which is strictly so I am accepted within his family and he doesn't complicate his family's relationship. <snip> What concerns me about your particular situation is that it appears you've been duped and deceived for two years by your boyfriend. Why is this coming up now? Have you never discussed marriage before? I find it hard to believe someone with parents as religious as his would not have known about this well in advance. He most likely hid this information from you in order to keep you interested or out of fear you would have walked away two years ago. Now you are stuck with either 1. converting to Islam, 2. majorly complicating his relationship with his family by being together without marriage, or 3. ending the relationship. If I were in your shoes I'd take this as a serious betrayal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Don't convert on an ultimatum, the long term outcome is not promising. However, if you still want to marry, counter offer with; how about I stay with my religion, you stay with yours and we promise not to judge each others' beliefs? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'd take a lot of the advise above. What country do his parents live in...do they have close family in another country? I'm a hapless romantic who, after 25 years of marriage, has learnt the hard way that someone you believe you know inside-out can become an alien overnight. I know that you won't believe this, I wouldn't! I'm English & every now & then there are press stories about men taking their kids to another country & the mother spends a lifetime trying to find them. PLEASE investigate your situation & ANY potential issues now. Put your romantic self on hold for a moment & be a brutal realist for a while before you make any life changing decisions. Having said that....I come from a very long line of people who don't take religion very seriously & do things to keep certain family members happy. My family tree is full of Catholics & Jews converting back & forth to marry & other than creating a generation of (pretty much) atheists it hasn't caused any issues. If you are BOTH 100% of the same mind on religion then does it really matter? I kn ow a lot of members are going to find this awful but to this day we have religious ceremonies & then the younger generations & nonbelievers go down the pub to celebrate!! Without knowing more details of your particular situation it's impossible to advise. Sharing 'stories' is the best we can do. PLEASE remember that whatever you believe now people DO dramatically change & frequently become alien 'monsters' when relationships fall apart (& they often do). No matter how far we travel from family they are still VERY much part of us. Look at his family & their core values...it WILL be part of your life! If they believe that women should play a particular role in family it WILL effect your future no matter how much he currently denies it. Life is VERY long. Choose wisely. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Why can't he convert to your religion? . Basically he can't do that very easily, without losing his whole family (as they will most likely disown him), bringing shame to his family (the community may ostracise them) and even putting his life and maybe his family's life into danger (ex-muslims often fear for their lives and receive many death threats). Leaving Islam is a huge deal for most. https://www.theguardian.com/global/2015/may/17/losing-their-religion-british-ex-muslims-non-believers-hidden-crisis-faith The OP needs to research well the actual culture she will be entering if she converts. Some branches of Islam and some cultures (derived from the home country) are very strict and inflexible. He may as a young person be allowed some liberties, but as an adult and a married man he will be expected to conform, as will his wife.. If the culture means women cover up and are treated like second class citizens and expected to fulfil a traditional role, then she needs to realise that there will be no exceptions made for her. Her children will be raised as Muslims too. Islam is a way of life, it dictates all aspects of a person's life. There is no room for dissent. It is not something to enter unthinkingly, because "I love him". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Again, being English AND from London, I have been exposed through family & friends to the most lax ends of many cultures & religions! I've known Muslim women who kick-bum (& look very hot in their bikinis!) who put on the 'drag' (as they call it) once every 5 years to keep grandma happy when she visits.... just in the way I know Catholics who have to google the local church & pull the Madonna out of storage. One of my best friends at school was Indian & was INCREDIBLY controlled & stifled by family. As other members have warned, please research well. As we age there is a high probability of us getting closer to our family values, regardless of how we rebel when young. If you share more information about which generation he is, country of origin etc we can advise better.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm assuming that you're planning to become FAMILY & have children with your partner. Regardless, life WILL become very, very different once you do. Dealing with grandparents can be a blessing & a curse. Cultural & religious differences have a way of rearing their ugly heads once you have kids. As you age & start to loose relatives religion becomes far more important to many. How strictly was he raised? I've know soapbox atheists become devout over time.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Only if we BOTH converted to a another religion, such as Buddhism. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm converting to the faith my husband was raised in, but I am NOT doing it for him or to please his family. I am doing it because I believe. To me, it is morally wrong to convert to a religion without at least somewhat believing the teachings of that faith. Your man may be very liberal or moderate right now, but others have pointed out that marriage, parenthood, and time change us all. They are correct. I cannot tell you how many people I have watched return to their roots after marrying and having a child. If your intended follows the pattern and becomes more like his observant conservative family after marriage and a child or two, your lifestyle will change. Not just the feast days, the fast days, and the worship attendance obligations, but also what is expected as far as behavior and dress are concerned. Can you see yourself living happily under the rules and obligations of his faith? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burritosntacos Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 What concerns me about your particular situation is that it appears you've been duped and deceived for two years by your boyfriend. Why is this coming up now? Have you never discussed marriage before? I find it hard to believe someone with parents as religious as his would not have known about this well in advance. He most likely hid this information from you in order to keep you interested or out of fear you would have walked away two years ago. Now you are stuck with either 1. converting to Islam, 2. majorly complicating his relationship with his family by being together without marriage, or 3. ending the relationship. If I were in your shoes I'd take this as a serious betrayal. My bad. I may have been unclear a little. He did not lie or deceive me anyway. He was honest with me about 4 months into the relationship. At first I kind of took it lightly, didn't think much about it cuz I thought it was too early to make any harsh decisions (maybe dumb of me, maybe not. But I'm asking this question now because since about a year weve been having more serious conversations about it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FortyandForlorn Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Would it make a difference if I emphasized that the request for conversion isn't necessarily coming from him? I can tell that he's almost as indifferent about religion as I am. If he had no family in the picture, I'm sure he wouldn't care at all who is what religion. But since he comes from a conservative family, I guess he feels kind of responsible to not complicate his family relationships (mom is somewhat supportive, dad is not). To me, this is the biggest problem. People switch religions all the time. But they do it because it's important to the spouse, not just the family. He needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up to his family and put you first. My BIL is engaged to a Muslim. Her family is very conservative and disowned her a few years ago for dating. She makes no apologies about her choices and she's happy with my BIL. Her family is starting to come around, and that's only because she stood her ground. Your boyfriend needs to do the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burritosntacos Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 To me, this is the biggest problem. People switch religions all the time. But they do it because it's important to the spouse, not just the family. He needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up to his family and put you first. My BIL is engaged to a Muslim. Her family is very conservative and disowned her a few years ago for dating. She makes no apologies about her choices and she's happy with my BIL. Her family is starting to come around, and that's only because she stood her ground. Your boyfriend needs to do the same. Any advice on how to approach him with this idea (that obviously I'd want him to stand up for me) without sounding like I'm telling him how to live his life? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 No. I wouldn't. I had a Muslim boyfriend and he practiced his religion. I'm Catholic and practice mine too. I didn't want it forced on me. He spoke of giving me a Muslim name when we got married. Our kids would have Muslim names and theyd have to go to the mosque, not church. I couldn't send them to a Catholic school. ..you get the gist. I wasn't going to loose myself in the name of love. Accept me as I am and realise your religion isn't more important than mine. Link to post Share on other sites
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