taiko Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Any advice on how to approach him with this idea (that obviously I'd want him to stand up for me) without sounding like I'm telling him how to live his life? In the end you are telling him how to live his life since his life has been programmed to have a Muslim bride. You have a choice, submit or lay down the ultimatum. No conversion and no sex until marriage as a non religious family with cultural ties to Christianity and Islam. Link to post Share on other sites
dpass Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 A Muslim man is allowed to marry a Christian woman with no obligation for her to convert. And no, I would not convert from Atheism to any religion. Heck no. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 My bad. I may have been unclear a little. He did not lie or deceive me anyway. He was honest with me about 4 months into the relationship. At first I kind of took it lightly, didn't think much about it cuz I thought it was too early to make any harsh decisions (maybe dumb of me, maybe not. But I'm asking this question now because since about a year weve been having more serious conversations about it all. Okay, that's a good thing because at least you are both on the same page with that and you knew what you were getting into. It's also helpful because hopefully he is on your side and not his parents'. I still don't think converting is a good idea in your situation, as neither you nor your boyfriend are religious. If the only reason you cannot marry him is because his parents won't allow it, you may want to go along with the wedding without their blessing and you both will have to accept the consequences of that. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I didn't want it forced on me. He spoke of giving me a Muslim name when we got married. Our kids would have Muslim names and theyd have to go to the mosque, not church. I couldn't send them to a Catholic school. ..you get the gist. This is another good point, OP. Hopefully you have discussed children with your boyfriend and how they would be raised. If you're not on the same page with that you will have more problems later on when you are much more invested in the relationship. If you both agree children will not be in your future you can disregard this comment. Link to post Share on other sites
FortyandForlorn Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Any advice on how to approach him with this idea (that obviously I'd want him to stand up for me) without sounding like I'm telling him how to live his life? Just tell him that because neither of you guys are religious, that converting is dishonest. And why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's more concerned with pleasing his parents than you? What will happen if you guys have kids? He needs to decide if he's willing to make this sacrifice and you need to be prepared to walk away if he can't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 For me, I would have to say no. I no longer subscribe to any one particular religion after being raised Roman Catholic. A very conscious choice I made after having spent countless years searching and researching what fits for me and my views and values. As much as I respect many aspects of all religions, I do not want to identify with just one even and especially if its just to appease family. I agree with the member who posted that it's one thing to convert across other Christian denominations and whole other thing to change to an entirely new and foreign and dare I say, controversial faith, given all that's transpired in the world anymore. You and your partner may not be serious about your respective faiths but the fact that it's a deal breaker in terms of marrying you never mind something he refuses to go against despite his own indifference could cause major problems in your future. I agree with those who advise you to do some serious research and serious introspection before agreeing to this. Next to sex and money, religion is the third major reason why couples break up. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burritosntacos Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 This is another good point, OP. Hopefully you have discussed children with your boyfriend and how they would be raised. If you're not on the same page with that you will have more problems later on when you are much more invested in the relationship. If you both agree children will not be in your future you can disregard this comment. We have discussed kids. Oddly enough, we kind of both are wishy washy about it. We both aren't eager to have kids for certain reasons. However, I thought about it and I'd be okay with raising my kids his religion if we had any. I wasn't planning on teaching my kids Christianity anyway since I don't connect to it much myself. Maybe in this case, I will want to convert since its easier for a child to have parents which are on the same page about religion. I never said conversion wasn't an option in the future but if I did, I definitely want it to come from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burritosntacos Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Okay, that's a good thing because at least you are both on the same page with that and you knew what you were getting into. It's also helpful because hopefully he is on your side and not his parents'. I still don't think converting is a good idea in your situation, as neither you nor your boyfriend are religious. If the only reason you cannot marry him is because his parents won't allow it, you may want to go along with the wedding without their blessing and you both will have to accept the consequences of that. I agree but it's hard not to think this means I'm making him choose between his parents and me. How do I handle that? I don't feel like that's hard and I feel bad giving that ultimatum. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 My cousin & his wife made the very conscious choice to elope & let the proverbial hit the fan later. They then compromised by having religious blessings for each of their families. Neither of them converted. Neither was religious. Neither comfortable with being that fake for the sake of family. It did cause problems but they've been married for about 30 years now & have children (raised with no religion. They can choose when of age). At least for them the drama was outside of the couple. Know what I mean? It seemed to pull them closer together when they had to defend each other to certain family members. They met at school (14-15) & grew-up together. You have to be a VERY dedicated strong couple to choose that option. I admit I like their 'Me & you against the world babe!' attitude. It's very apparent in everything they do. They've been together for over 40 years now & seem solid as rock. Most are not that fortunate! I think it's important to decide what kind of couple you're going to be before you marry. Some do paint on a smile, fake whatever for family & live a good distance away! As long as your completely UNITED as one you can make your own rules. What are your views on feminism? Raising a daughter by certain religious principles would be VERY hard for me. Are you & your partner on the same page, REALLY, when it comes to the important principles of life? Remember no matter how lax he considers himself, certain core values can be very ingrained! I've known marriages that were doomed from the start because of this. They just couldn't see it.... Link to post Share on other sites
AmyW Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I agree with a lot of the advice here. Never convert for love. Only do it if you truly believe this is your true spiritual path. If he really loved you, he would respect your belief system and not worry about his family. For if you stay together, you will be his family. Would he convert for you if you asked? That would be a telling thing right there for you. If is isn't then I'd say your relationship is not as strong as you think Link to post Share on other sites
Author burritosntacos Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 My cousin & his wife made the very conscious choice to elope & let the proverbial hit the fan later. They then compromised by having religious blessings for each of their families. Neither of them converted. Neither was religious. Neither comfortable with being that fake for the sake of family. It did cause problems but they've been married for about 30 years now & have children (raised with no religion. They can choose when of age). At least for them the drama was outside of the couple. Know what I mean? It seemed to pull them closer together when they had to defend each other to certain family members. They met at school (14-15) & grew-up together. You have to be a VERY dedicated strong couple to choose that option. I admit I like their 'Me & you against the world babe!' attitude. It's very apparent in everything they do. They've been together for over 40 years now & seem solid as rock. Most are not that fortunate! I think it's important to decide what kind of couple you're going to be before you marry. Some do paint on a smile, fake whatever for family & live a good distance away! As long as your completely UNITED as one you can make your own rules. What are your views on feminism? Raising a daughter by certain religious principles would be VERY hard for me. Are you & your partner on the same page, REALLY, when it comes to the important principles of life? Remember no matter how lax he considers himself, certain core values can be very ingrained! I've known marriages that were doomed from the start because of this. They just couldn't see it.... That's a wonderful story and they sound like an amazing couple. That's the goal. Hopefully we can choose each other before anything else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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