heartbroken2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 How do I start, Please be patient with me on this. About 11 months ago my wife of 20 years told me she wants a Divorce. I was totally blindsided. We have had our share of arguments and money troubles like a think most families do. I came from a broken home without a father and have probably did more for my kids than i should have. We have a 20 Yr old Son and a 17 Yr old daughter whom both still live at home. My wife has said i put the kids before her but i just don't feel like I am. When my wife and daughter would have arguments I would try to talk with both of them and hopefully calm them down. My wife would see that as taking my daughters side, I would explain to my wife I just wanted to see both sides and try to mediate if I could. My wife and her Mom can't be in the same room for 30 Minutes without fighting. That was an example of some of our fights. I know i should have completely backed my wife but when she would scream at my daughter for asking a question I could not. When i did punish my daughter my wife would get mad and say i was too harsh. Over the course of a few months my wife had been spending time with a family friend (whom lives with us) that i felt was getting too close. I tried to talk with her about it but she just told me they were friends and he was easy to talk to. One night my wife left home intoxicated to pick this family friend. An hour later she came home and said she didn't love me anymore and wanted a Divorce. The next 10 months have been a blur. I am not financially secure enough to leave and have a separate residence. She has not had to work in years and never really wanted to. She has told me that we could work on out marriage but that i need to give her space. I have tried but the person she was spending time with still lives at our house. We had weeks where things were better then they would get worse. About 3 months ago I caught them in an affair. She apologized and said she broke it off and would really work on us. I forgave her and tried my hardest to make her happy again. I feel like such a fool. This past week she told me that she wants to get a job to support herself and leave. I had thought we were doing better but obviously its not the case. She tells me that I have never been there for her and now she just wants to be with herself. Several months ago she changed all her passwords and locked me out of her phone. She says she just wants her privacy. Please excuse my paragraphs, Im having a hard time even writing about this. I just want my wife back and don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm so sorry for your pain. Your wife doesn't know if she is coming or going right now. I can appreciate that you want her, and the life you shared, back again... But do you really want a woman who could treat you as badly as she has these past few months? I would say, you deserve more than what she has given you. This woman has not been a very good and loving wife to you this past year. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 How do I start, Please be patient with me on this. About 11 months ago my wife of 20 years told me she wants a Divorce. I was totally blindsided. We have had our share of arguments and money troubles like a think most families do. I came from a broken home without a father and have probably did more for my kids than i should have. We have a 20 Yr old Son and a 17 Yr old daughter whom both still live at home. My wife has said i put the kids before her but i just don't feel like I am. When my wife and daughter would have arguments I would try to talk with both of them and hopefully calm them down. My wife would see that as taking my daughters side, I would explain to my wife I just wanted to see both sides and try to mediate if I could. My wife and her Mom can't be in the same room for 30 Minutes without fighting. Blameshifting - an excuse for her affair That was an example of some of our fights. I know i should have completely backed my wife but when she would scream at my daughter for asking a question I could not. When i did punish my daughter my wife would get mad and say i was too harsh. Over the course of a few months my wife had been spending time with a family friend (whom lives with us) that i felt was getting too close. I tried to talk with her about it but she just told me they were friends and he was easy to talk to. One of the biggest lies told One night my wife left home intoxicated to pick this family friend. An hour later she came home and said she didn't love me anymore and wanted a Divorce. The next 10 months have been a blur. I am not financially secure enough to leave and have a separate residence. She has not had to work in years and never really wanted to. She has told me that we could work on out marriage but that i need to give her space. I have tried but the person she was spending time with still lives at our house. It's your house too why did you allow it? We had weeks where things were better then they would get worse. About 3 months ago I caught them in an affair. She apologized and said she broke it off and would really work on us. I forgave her and tried my hardest to make her happy again. The affair never stopped. Did you expose it? I feel like such a fool. This past week she told me that she wants to get a job to support herself and leave. I had thought we were doing better but obviously its not the case. She tells me that I have never been there for her and now she just wants to be with herself. Several months ago she changed all her passwords and locked me out of her phone. She says she just wants her privacy. Privacy to cheat. Very typical Please excuse my paragraphs, Im having a hard time even writing about this. I just want my wife back and don't know what to do. You can't make her do anything. Full exposure to family and friends. His and hers. You can't nice them back. Any begging, pleading or crying for her will just make you look weak and unnatracive. Do not do the "pick me dance"! Take yourself out of the equation. No contact unless she dumps "the friend". Read it and follow it closely. If you don't/can't you have no chance. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Divide your finances immediacy and contact an attourney to find out your tights In order to save a marriage you must be willing to end it. Allowing her to cake eat or continued financing this will just enable it further. Get strong quick you'll need it. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Over the course of a few months my wife had been spending time with a family friend (whom lives with us) that i felt was getting too close. I tried to talk with her about it but she just told me they were friends and he was easy to talk to. One night my wife left home intoxicated to pick this family friend. An hour later she came home and said she didn't love me anymore and wanted a Divorce. That is when they had sex. Over the course of a few months my wife had been spending time with a family friend (whom lives with us) that i felt was getting too close. I tried to talk with her about it but she just told me they were friends and he was easy to talk to. She had no problem lying to you. = No respect. broke it off and would really work on us. I forgave her and tried my hardest to make her happy again. I feel like such a fool. This past week she told me that she wants to get a job to support herself and leave. I had thought we were doing better but obviously its not the case. She tells me that I have never been there for her and now she just wants to be with herself. Several months ago she changed all her passwords and locked me out of her phone. She says she just wants her privacy. That affair never break off. It was continuing and since she had no respect for you she doesn't even care that you know now, evidenced by "need space" (to explore that guy) and "need privacy" (so that you don't see all the shady things I am doing to you ... in case you decide to use it in the court) Time to document everything and file for a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 My brain tells me to give up but my heart says I should've tried harder. She tells me she has felt this way for several years but I just didn't listen. I worked out of town a lot up until 7 months ag and I keep just about all of my emails and text messages. I showed her text messages she sent me just 12 months ago telling me how much she misses me and wishes I could be home more. That she loves me with all her heart. I know my daughter is almost 18 but this is going to be very hard on her as welll. I am afraid if she thinks it's OK to give up on a marriage then she will struggle with her relationships as well. My son knows about all of this and is fully supporting me. He loves his mom dearly but knows she is wrong. He told me I would be better off away from her. I feel horrible that he has been involved in this. I know he is 20 but he is still our child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 A few months ago she told me that if the tables were turned she would've left in a heartbeat. That she can't believe I've tried so hard and that she will work on us. Now all I get is "As soon I get a job I'm leaving" I know I should just end this but I'm 51 years old and how hard will it be for me to find someone special again? Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 A few months ago she told me that if the tables were turned she would've left in a heartbeat. That she can't believe I've tried so hard and that she will work on us. Now all I get is "As soon I get a job I'm leaving" I know I should just end this but I'm 51 years old and how hard will it be for me to find someone special again? Why are you worried about finding someone else at this time? Time to work on being a better version of YOU. That starts with not being a doormat for anyone else. Read no more Mr nice guy. Read about the 180. Talk to a lawyer and protect your assets. Get your finances in order and serve her the divorce papers she wants. Heal yourself, protect yourself and kids. A future lady friend should be the last of your worries right now 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 My brain tells me to give up but my heart says I should've tried harder. She tells me she has felt this way for several years but I just didn't listen. I worked out of town a lot up until 7 months ag and I keep just about all of my emails and text messages. I showed her text messages she sent me just 12 months ago telling me how much she misses me and wishes I could be home more. That she loves me with all her heart. I know my daughter is almost 18 but this is going to be very hard on her as welll. I am afraid if she thinks it's OK to give up on a marriage then she will struggle with her relationships as well. My son knows about all of this and is fully supporting me. He loves his mom dearly but knows she is wrong. He told me I would be better off away from her. I feel horrible that he has been involved in this. I know he is 20 but he is still our child. Cheater script. "You made me have an affair". This is a lie to justify her actions. Very typical. It's total BS. No marriage is perfect. She's not either. Did you go out and have an affair because of it? You'd better wake up 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Get into the 180 mode now and quit engaging her. She's in full blameshifting mode. An affair was a decision she made. It was done consciously. It fixing just happen. You want to wallow around and let her blame you, you lose. Exposure is your best weapon in this but it seems like you are to weak to stand up for yourself so you'll just take what she's giving. Wake up 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 You are like most betrayed spouses who come here. My wife just could do this. It must be my fault. Make all the excuses you want but you are not clearly seeing her for who she is. Again, wake up 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 No I did not have an affair. I pretended that everything would be ok. I felt like it was a bad dream and I would wake up soon. I started spending more time with her to try and make it better but it just turned her even more against me. She kept saying "let's work on us for awhile" but here we are no closer to being together as we were. It's so hard after 24 years together and married for 21 to let go. Thanks for all of the replys and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 No I did not have an affair. I pretended that everything would be ok. I felt like it was a bad dream and I would wake up soon. I started spending more time with her to try and make it better but it just turned her even more against me. She kept saying "let's work on us for awhile" but here we are no closer to being together as we were. It's so hard after 24 years together and married for 21 to let go. Thanks for all of the replys and advice. You unwittingly enabled her behavior. Common mistake. Your actions told her she is worth so much more than you and you'll be there no matter what she does to you. It made you look weak and unappealing while her lover stood tall and took what he wanted. If you can't break your destructive codependency on her you lose. You cut her off go your own way. Get your haircut, get some new clothes, go out with friends, family. Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF down load. This will help you. Take off your wedding ring and move her out of the bedroom. Not doing any exposure at this time means you are helping them hide their affair. Essentially enabling them. Affairs only thrive in secret and the dark. Your kids are old enough to know the truth. You've made enough mistakes dealing with this. Being weak and affraid got you what? Where you are now. Better change tactics. But you are affraid of pushing her away, right? My friend she's already gone. Your strength and fortitude is perhaps all you have to fix this if it can be fixed. Take yourself out of the infidelity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 Thank you so much. In the last 11 months I have not said a word to anyone about this. I've tried to keep it to myself. I know this sounds stupid but this really helps. I need to move on and let her figure her own life out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Thank you so much. In the last 11 months I have not said a word to anyone about this. I've tried to keep it to myself. I know this sounds stupid but this really helps. I need to move on and let her figure her own life out. I'm sure they appreciated you keeping their affair a secret so they could continue. IMO I'd blow this up. Exposure all at once "no warning" if you want a chance at saving this. You have let your fear define you. Stop it! She'll be PO'd for destroying her fantasy but you should have done this upfront. I hope at this point you can wake up. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Why did you have some other dude living in your house? Why didn't you kick him out when things started seeming a little fishy? Why is OM still there? Why aren't you stopping OM's guts out and mopping the floor with him? Why aren't you kicking her out with him? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Thank you so much. In the last 11 months I have not said a word to anyone about this. I've tried to keep it to myself. I know this sounds stupid but this really helps. I need to move on and let her figure her own life out. You are saying I'm affraid to make her mad so I'll just give up. Your attitude or pacivity may be why you are where you are at this time. Strength is attractive, weakness is not. Maybe you should stand up and take control now. They are going to destroy you, your family and future and you are doing what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoCompass Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 My brain tells me to give up but my heart says I should've tried harder. She tells me she has felt this way for several years but I just didn't listen. I worked out of town a lot up until 7 months ag and I keep just about all of my emails and text messages. I showed her text messages she sent me just 12 months ago telling me how much she misses me and wishes I could be home more. That she loves me with all her heart. I know my daughter is almost 18 but this is going to be very hard on her as welll. I am afraid if she thinks it's OK to give up on a marriage then she will struggle with her relationships as well. My son knows about all of this and is fully supporting me. He loves his mom dearly but knows she is wrong. He told me I would be better off away from her. I feel horrible that he has been involved in this. I know he is 20 but he is still our child. OP. I'm not married and nobody has done this to me BUT I've done plenty of research and read a TON of SIMILAR (practically same .. as if they use the same cheating rule book) cases and trust me when I say this: LISTEN to what these guys here are telling you. You are going to be in denial for a while (part of grief, it is okay) and that is normal but trust that years of EXPERIENCE (different people but similar scenarios) ... can't be wrong. I knew she was cheating as soon as I read the "getting closer" part which was way before you revealed the cheating. There is a reason for that. As others pointed out, all of those things happen almost chronically. Blameshiftin, denying the affair, privacy concerns, etc. This woman has no shame. Or respect for you, for that matter. You need to kick her out (along with the guy who is living in your house) NOW ... not when it is convenient for her and file for divorce ASAP. Your daughters will have more respect for you to stand up to this nonsense. Don't be a doormat and be a bad example to your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 I hope so too. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 He is a friend of my Son whom we took in because he a had a rough home life. It's the price I've paid to help someone out. no excuses here on my part. I should have went nuts earlier. I've stepped back a little and through the cloud in my heart I'm ready to clean house. Should be an interesting next few days. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Don't go off half cocked. Exposure should be well planned and executed. WITHOUT WARNING!!!!!!! Unless you end the affair no work can be fine on saving your marriage. Your kids as they are older should be told in a sanitized way. Do not lie or hide what is going on from them. I would bet they already know or suspect. Make a list and follow it. Word it yo the affect of who and hats been going on and ask for their assistance in helping you fix this. You need to put the guy out personally if he doesn't go have the police escort him out. This is your home, family and future. It's about time you stood up and took carol it. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Be ready for the fallout. You did not do or cause this. Do not take any blame for her affair. The affair is on her 100% how you handle this is on you. Better get moving you've laid back and let them play you for way too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Let this be a defining moment for you. I suspect your kids are thinking why is dad letting this happen to us? Good question. Why? Your wife has list any or all respect she ever had for you. Mainly from your passivity. Time to get that back. Don't be affraid of losing your wife you already have. Your future actions maybe you're only way to get what you had back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm making my plan now. I'm getting angrier by the minute. I feel so stupid and foolish. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm making my plan now. I'm getting angrier by the minute. I feel so stupid and foolish. You can't change what you've done but you'd better damn well stand up and take charge now. Your kids will be glad you've stood up for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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