Wife wants Divorce after 21 years

[BaileyB]

This is NOT showing her to 'give up' on relationships. This is showing her that one does not tolerate being mistreated, disrespected and cheated on. Relationships that involve maltreatment, disrespect and infidelity are healthy relationships and should not be maintained or tolerated.

 

This will demonstrate to her that people have the basic human right to be treated fairly and properly and if that does not occur, they should walk.

 

There is a huge, fundamental difference between leaving a relationship just because someone squeezes the wrong end of the toothpaste vs being cheated on, lied to, disrespected and mistreated.

 

As a father, you want her to learn to drop the microphone and exit stage-left the moment she is mistreated.

 

That is not abandoning relationships. That not allowing oneself to be mistreated and used and manipulated by predatorial people that will use, manipulate and mistreat her and that is one of the most important things a father can teach his daughter.

 

You are doing the right thing here.

 

Requoted for you to read this, one more time.

 

Be honest, but don't attack her mother. Regardless of how your wife has treated you, this woman is still her mother.

 

However, the most important thing a father can teach his daughter is that she should expect to be treated with love and respect by any man in her life. Your wife has not offered that to you. By leaving the relationship, you are giving her the most powerful example of how important it is never to stay or settle for a relationship where you are not treated with kindness, respect, and mutual affection.

 

As hard as it is for your daughter, it is a powerful lesson you are teaching her right now. Stay strong.

[anika99]

Yeah I just want to second what Oldshirt said regarding getting lawyer. Before you go selling assets and kicking your wife out you need to find out what your legal obligations to her are going to be.

 

Your wife is having an affair with your son's friend? That is laughable. You have the upper hand here. The boy is not going to stay infatuated with a woman old enough to be his mother forever. Soon as another woman catches his eye he will dump your wife like yesterday's news. Neither he or your wife can even support themselves, much less do anything for each other. They are pathetic.

 

Your wife doesn't love you, the only reason she suddenly wants to work things out is because she knows her life is going to change for the worse if she is forced to take responsibility for herself and own her choices. Don't fall for any manipulative crocodile tears or fake expressions of remorse. Do gather up any proof you have of the affair and do find a lawyer. Also encourage your wife to get employed ASAP as her working will be to your favor.

[oldshirt]

Your wife doesn't love you, the only reason she suddenly wants to work things out is because she knows her life is going to change for the worse if she is forced to take responsibility for herself and own her choices. Don't fall for any manipulative crocodile tears or fake expressions of remorse. Do gather up any proof you have of the affair and do find a lawyer. Also encourage your wife to get employed ASAP as her working will be to your favor.

 

Yes.

 

What she is trying to "work out" is a roof over her head and food in her belly.

 

She is simply trying to stay sheltered and fed until she can either get a job to support herself or find another man that will support her.

 

Either way she will just be a trail of dust going over the horizon once she finds either of those things.

[DDTA]

At your stage in life, if you are sober, gainfully employed and self-supporting, no criminal record, don't smell like an ashtray and have nicotine-stained teeth and yellow beard with food crumbs in it and aren't 300 lbs with a gut hanging over your junk, YOU ARE A FINE CATCH and adult women that know what a good man is will be clawing each other's eyes out over you.

 

heartbroken2017, what old shirt says up there ^^^^^^^ is so VERY true. One of my biggest fears early after discovering my XW's affair was "who would want to date a single dad in his 40's?"

 

Apparently MANY single women would, in large part because of what oldshirt describes right up there. I would add having your own place to live and a hobby or two to enjoy on that list then doing all the above with an attitude of confidence and happiness with no expectations and your problem won't be IF you ever meet another woman but WHICH one if the many to spend more time and energy with. It doesn't matter if you are in your 40s, 50s, 60, he'll even 70s you WILL attract someone.

 

I tell you, if men knew this with certainty like us men who did choose divorce do now, there would probably be a lot less men stuck in limbo. Heck, some if us may look at it as a chance to upgrade to a better woman!

[heartbroken2017]

I've been working through it. Long tough weekend but feel better this week than I did last week.

[Marc878]

No matter what it will get better.

[heartbroken2017]

I know it will but it's still agony. I miss our live together. I know I have to be strong and persevere but it's so hard. It's just so unbelievable how she's the one who screwed me over and now trying to make me feel like it's all my fault. I feel like less of a man. Frustrating to no end.

[heartbroken2017]

Why is it so hard for me to give up and walk away when it was so easy for her. I know it's the right thing to do. I am treated like such a stranger in my own home. Sorry for the rambling. Just have no one to talk to.

[DDTA]

Detachment is hard and feelings of emasculation are par for the course for men in these situations. Blame shifting is typical from the wayward because if they actually had a sense to take responsibility to fix anything it would be to first sit down with their spouse and really tell them how they feel instead of trying to fix their situation with a third person in the relationship. Yes, you miss that old life, that old wife, but sometimes we come to see that what were in love with all along was but an image rather than the reality. She may have been this kind of person all along struggling to maintain appearances until finally reaching a cracking point and all hell breaks loose. What definitely has happened is the sh#t has hit the fan. All you can do is see where it flings from there and navigate your way around it and out of infidelity as much as you can. Her path from here on out may seem easy but it is also cheap. In the end her fantasy will evaporate as it becomes more and more evident that reality just cannot support their affair. Your path takes more work, patience and integrity but will pay off in the end. Trust me on this. Right now you may feel like you are in the the thick of the forest in this mess but the further you detach and remove yourself from the situation you will begin to see the forest and realize your situation and your fears can be overcome. Hang in there. I've never read or heard of anyone getting out of infidelity overnight. Many of us have been where you were before and many of us are here on the other side, either divorced or reconciled, and we have all survived. You will be ok.

[heartbroken2017]

Thank You. I appreciate the insight.

[heartbroken2017]

Ok so I'm having a rough night. Tried to talk to her but turned into a huge argument. I want the strength to just walk away and let her see how hard life will be. None of this is worth the pain and suffering. I don't wish any Ill will on anybody but I hope she regrets what she's doing. Sorry for the rambling just needed to vent a little. Good days and bad days I know. This just happens to be a bad day.

[Marc878]

IN your heart you see her as the wife who could never have done this.

 

Until you accept the reality of where you are and who put you there you'll linger in this state.

 

Takes time. Apparently she's nowhere near regret not to mention remourse.

 

You'd better learn that you can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself.

 

If you chase them they move farther away. You need to maintain a hard 180 - no contact.

 

Take time with your kids, family, friends, etc.

[Marc878]

You should check on IC for yourself. It's not normal for someone to put up with abuse like you've suffered for 11 months.

 

It'll give you someone to listen and help. Your insurance may cover that.

[BluesPower]

I was not going to post anything... but I just can't help myself.

 

Listen, I understand that you are hurting, I totally get that. I have been there and for stuff way worse that an affair, although she did that too.

 

You love your wife, I actually still love mine, but I had to take that love, put it away in a little box, and it never gets to see the light of day, ever again.

 

Understand, that you can never make someone love you, you just can't. She choose to cheat, and you have to get her out of your life. She does not love you if she ever did. She is just treating you like some kind of dog.

 

No man should allow this stuff to be in his life. It hurts really bad right now, and it will for a while.

 

But let me tell you what is out there waiting for you after you heal from the divorce. Men our age are just a hot commodity in every way.

 

Hit the gym a little, buy new cloths and get out there. AND DO NOT GET MARRIED...

 

When you are ready, just date. I have literally a never ending choice of women chasing me daily. At work, which I do not partake of because I already have one GF from there.

 

At all the clubs that I play at, which I partake heavy of, social events, whatever.

 

Hell I met a pretty single woman my age in the elevator and I am taking her out next week. She does not work there.

 

What I am saying is that you literally have to pick and choose which ones you want to actual see because you will have so many choices.

 

Trust me, when you heal up form this, life is just a dream...

[Cephalopod]

Ok so I'm having a rough night. Tried to talk to her but turned into a huge argument. I want the strength to just walk away and let her see how hard life will be. None of this is worth the pain and suffering. I don't wish any Ill will on anybody but I hope she regrets what she's doing. Sorry for the rambling just needed to vent a little. Good days and bad days I know. This just happens to be a bad day.

 

STOP! Stop talking to her! She is not listening.

 

The more you chase, the more she will run. File for divorce, move on with your life and let her see you doing it.

[Marc878]

You doing better?

[aliveagain]

At this point I don't want to reconcile. I'm ready to move on. No person should have had to endure what I went through. The last week has been much better for me. I'm finally seeing her for what she really is. God help the next poor guy she screws over.

 

Print this out and tape it to the mirror of your bathroom so you can read these bolded words every morning when you shave. Friend, other then the fact that she is the mother of your children there is nothing special about this woman, she was banging your son's friend(can't even respect your own son, think about what he is going through) because of your kindness this damaged young man had a roof over his head. She took advantage of the situation and destroyed her family for some selfish temporary joy. Who want's someone like her watching their backs? She's a great mother but not worth the sweat off your b---'s as a wife.

[heartbroken2017]

Thank you for the replys. A better weekend. Was able to spend time alone and away. Everyday is a little better. I know this is going to be a long slow process full of ups and downs. Feel like the last 11 months have been a blur. I pray the next few months will be more healing.

[heartbroken2017]

Talked to Attorney on Friday. I am afraid I'm a little screwed. Wife has not worked in over 10 years and even then it was only part time. She has always said said she wanted to be a stay at home wife. She says She has been trying to find a job now but no one interested in hiring a person in their 40's without experience or education. She's telling me now that she just wants to slow down and decide what she wants to do. I've asked Attorney to draw up the divorce as a non-contested and present them to her. After reading these post for several days it's apparent that there are a lot of people who have gone through the same thing as me and have had some of the same feelings as I have.

 

I thought that I was the bad person, not trying hard enough, not giving enough, etc... I feel so stupid that it has gone on this long and I did nothing to stop it except beg her to come back to me. What a fool I've been. She has done nothing but shove it back in my face. After 24 years together now she says I've neglected her. Total bull crap. I've loved her since day one and we have always had a great marriage. I know the best thing for me is to just walk way which I am trying to arrange now. She can't afford to live on her own and I am afraid that I will get hosed in the divorce. She says she will sign a non-contested divorce that all she wants is her car and ask if I will help her pay for it.

 

I want to just shove her out the door with no where to go but I just can't. I feel this is coming to a conclusion and even though I know it's going to end in divorce it's not what I want. (I still love her madly and would do anything for her) I don't really have a choice. It has to happen now. I know or at least I feel like the OM is out of the picture now the damage is done. I want my sanity back and this is the only way. I still hurt every day and Love her but she has zero remorse for what she has done and to this day blames it on me.

[JS84]

It's going to be tough but you'll get through it. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it's right for you to be with them. Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship, let alone a marriage affected by infidelity with a remorseless spouse.

 

How you're feeling is completely normal, just like loving your wife even after all she's done is. If people could flip their love off like a switch when they got cheated on, infidelity wouldn't be an issue for anyone at all.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing and keep contact with your stbxw at a minimum. The only thing you guys should be talking about are the divorce, finances, I guess the car and nothing besides that. Everything you both could have possibly said has been said.

 

Start focusing on yourself and start detaching from your wife. Start the 180 if you haven't.

[mikeylo]

Cheaters always blame others. If they don't blame you , they will find someone else to blame -- the other person , their parents, alcohol, depression etc etc except their own selves. Some own up blame to get away with pity but you can easily see the blame game starting up slowly, once their foot is in.

[Marc878]

Blaming the spouse is to justify the affair.

 

You can't get out of the Mr Nice Guy routine this will continue to be your life.

You can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself. Living like a doormat is hard as you've found. Stop!!!

 

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[heartbroken2017]

I downloaded "No more Mr Nice Guy" on Saturday. I'm almost half way through it. It makes a lot of sense to me. Even though it's very hard I know it's the right thing to do. My Son is supporting me 100% which helps a lot. My daughter just wants it all to go away. My wife is showing her with extra attention, going out with her and her teenage friends, etc... Not much I can do about that now. I just want it to come to a conclusion. I am blessed for the time we have had but I won't continue like this. I have to contact the Attorney tomorrow and review the draft and I know it's going to be very hard to see it's coming to a finale but I don't think I have a choice. These past Eleven months has turned me into a different person and I want to get back to being the Man I really am.

 

I want to enjoy life again. I want to Love again. I've spent the last 11 months in a terrible hole, wandering what I could have done differently when in reality there was nothing I could do at all. I truly understand it really only takes one to dissolve a partnership and I just need to get on board with it and move on with my life.

[Clay]

I know its hard to have it all end this way but you have to realize this is not your fault. Its really common that people make you question everything you have ever done with them. They do this because they themselves are doing the same thing. She is rewriting history to make herself feel better. Its easier to listen to some guy say "See I would never treat you like that" Then it is to question what she was really doing wrong.

 

My xW is still a wreck. My kids know it. The person you were married to for all those years is gone. She has intentionally replaced herself with someone that helps her feel better about herself. Its like the others have already stated "Cheaters always blame others. If they don't blame you , they will find someone else to blame -- the other person , their parents, alcohol, depression etc etc except their own selves." This is so true.

 

As far as feeling you cant leave her high and dry let me tell you why you can. Its because she chose this path. She knew what she was doing. If you think this will make you feel better down the road it wont. The only thing your going to focus on is why did you wait so long to get out. See your smart just like others. Your already seeing it never really had anything to do with you. It was all on her. Once the divorce is final and you are really away from her your really going to start seeing things more and more clearly. This is going to be the thing that really burns you.

 

 

I stayed with a serial cheater for ten years. She had no problem abusing the hell out of me. If I worked late to make more money so we could eat that week I was still in the wrong. It latterly was exactly like that some times. She used everything she could to tear me down. It wasn't until our ninth year that I realized what I was doing wrong. It never had anything to do with me. This was all on her. Sure we all have our faults but to deserve them. Nothing we did deserved this. I have been divorced for ten years. She is still a serial cheater. She is on her seventh child and the only one she will have custody of is the one she is pregnant with now. I hate to say it but that wont last long.

 

 

Her cheating no longer bothers me. The one thing that kicks me the most is the fact I stayed. I didn't stand up for myself sooner. I didn't stand up for my children sooner. This is what haunts me to this day.

 

If I was you I would give her as little as possible and walk away. I wouldn't look back. She needs to heal and learn on her own. It might happen and then again it might not. Its not your problem anymore.

[BluesPower]

Clay is so right...

 

I stayed with my wife just way too long. I just felt like she was too "sick" for me to abandon and of course I had to raise the kids.

 

Turned out she was just a drug addict, imagine how I felt when I figured that out. Hell, I wasted at least 10 years, and I could have raised the kids completely by myself. Life would have been way better.

 

It is hard to calculate but she stole at least 15 years of my life that I will never get back. You just don't get over that for a while, I am not sure that I ever will really.

 

I just never could imagine how great life would be with her out of my life. Who knew. I am just having a blast and I am going to continue to have a blast until I die.

 

Life is good...