Wife wants Divorce after 21 years

[mikeylo]

Cheaters always blame others. If they don't blame you , they will find someone else to blame -- the other person , their parents, alcohol, depression etc etc except their own selves. Some own up blame to get away with pity but you can easily see the blame game starting up slowly, once their foot is in.

[Marc878]

Blaming the spouse is to justify the affair.

 

You can't get out of the Mr Nice Guy routine this will continue to be your life.

You can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself. Living like a doormat is hard as you've found. Stop!!!

 

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[heartbroken2017]

I downloaded "No more Mr Nice Guy" on Saturday. I'm almost half way through it. It makes a lot of sense to me. Even though it's very hard I know it's the right thing to do. My Son is supporting me 100% which helps a lot. My daughter just wants it all to go away. My wife is showing her with extra attention, going out with her and her teenage friends, etc... Not much I can do about that now. I just want it to come to a conclusion. I am blessed for the time we have had but I won't continue like this. I have to contact the Attorney tomorrow and review the draft and I know it's going to be very hard to see it's coming to a finale but I don't think I have a choice. These past Eleven months has turned me into a different person and I want to get back to being the Man I really am.

 

I want to enjoy life again. I want to Love again. I've spent the last 11 months in a terrible hole, wandering what I could have done differently when in reality there was nothing I could do at all. I truly understand it really only takes one to dissolve a partnership and I just need to get on board with it and move on with my life.

[Clay]

I know its hard to have it all end this way but you have to realize this is not your fault. Its really common that people make you question everything you have ever done with them. They do this because they themselves are doing the same thing. She is rewriting history to make herself feel better. Its easier to listen to some guy say "See I would never treat you like that" Then it is to question what she was really doing wrong.

 

My xW is still a wreck. My kids know it. The person you were married to for all those years is gone. She has intentionally replaced herself with someone that helps her feel better about herself. Its like the others have already stated "Cheaters always blame others. If they don't blame you , they will find someone else to blame -- the other person , their parents, alcohol, depression etc etc except their own selves." This is so true.

 

As far as feeling you cant leave her high and dry let me tell you why you can. Its because she chose this path. She knew what she was doing. If you think this will make you feel better down the road it wont. The only thing your going to focus on is why did you wait so long to get out. See your smart just like others. Your already seeing it never really had anything to do with you. It was all on her. Once the divorce is final and you are really away from her your really going to start seeing things more and more clearly. This is going to be the thing that really burns you.

 

 

I stayed with a serial cheater for ten years. She had no problem abusing the hell out of me. If I worked late to make more money so we could eat that week I was still in the wrong. It latterly was exactly like that some times. She used everything she could to tear me down. It wasn't until our ninth year that I realized what I was doing wrong. It never had anything to do with me. This was all on her. Sure we all have our faults but to deserve them. Nothing we did deserved this. I have been divorced for ten years. She is still a serial cheater. She is on her seventh child and the only one she will have custody of is the one she is pregnant with now. I hate to say it but that wont last long.

 

 

Her cheating no longer bothers me. The one thing that kicks me the most is the fact I stayed. I didn't stand up for myself sooner. I didn't stand up for my children sooner. This is what haunts me to this day.

 

If I was you I would give her as little as possible and walk away. I wouldn't look back. She needs to heal and learn on her own. It might happen and then again it might not. Its not your problem anymore.

[BluesPower]

Clay is so right...

 

I stayed with my wife just way too long. I just felt like she was too "sick" for me to abandon and of course I had to raise the kids.

 

Turned out she was just a drug addict, imagine how I felt when I figured that out. Hell, I wasted at least 10 years, and I could have raised the kids completely by myself. Life would have been way better.

 

It is hard to calculate but she stole at least 15 years of my life that I will never get back. You just don't get over that for a while, I am not sure that I ever will really.

 

I just never could imagine how great life would be with her out of my life. Who knew. I am just having a blast and I am going to continue to have a blast until I die.

 

Life is good...

[DDTA]

heartbroken2017, I really think your wife is going through a major mid life crisis melt down. Has she gone through the whole empty nest syndrome? She wants to hang out with your daughter and her friends, she had an affair with your son's friend, that just sounds like she chasing a perceived "lost youth". There's no excuse for any of her actions and treatment of you but once you begin to understand their motivations a bit more it becomes easier to detach from the whole thing and even handle the situation going forward. Even if she did show remorse you are looking at 2 to 5 years for the reconciliation path. However, if she really is going through MLC you are looking at around a 7 year process of her coming out of it before you get anything resembling remorse. IMO, life is too short to stick around being with a remorseless wayward. The healthy version of midlife crisis is midlife "transition" and many folks handle it normally. But for those with deep flaws in their character, those who are truly broken but have masked it all this time, midlife churns that ugly out to the surface for the world to see and that flawed person does not have the tools to handle a life transition properly. That was definitely my XW. All I can tell you is that this her own battle she had to fight. All you can do is get yourself and your loved ones out of the way of her destruction.

 

I want to enjoy life again. I want to Love again. I've spent the last 11 months in a terrible hole, wandering what I could have done differently when in reality there was nothing I could do at all. I truly understand it really only takes one to dissolve a partnership and I just need to get on board with it and move on with my life.

 

Go with this and stay with it. This is the most important decision you have made and betrayed spouses who make the choice to enjoy their life again are the most successful at getting out of their situations, whether it be divorced or reconciled. Feeling hopeless in the situation is a trap. Fear is a trap. You may have heard this joke before - "Why is divorce expensive? Because it is worth every penny!" Wanting to enjoy life and to love again is worth every penny. You will get there again and look back at all this be glad to have paid your way out of it in seat, tears, and equity.

[Marc878]

I downloaded "No more Mr Nice Guy" on Saturday. I'm almost half way through it. It makes a lot of sense to me. Even though it's very hard I know it's the right thing to do. My Son is supporting me 100% which helps a lot. My daughter just wants it all to go away. My wife is showing her with extra attention, going out with her and her teenage friends, etc... Not much I can do about that now. I just want it to come to a conclusion. I am blessed for the time we have had but I won't continue like this. I have to contact the Attorney tomorrow and review the draft and I know it's going to be very hard to see it's coming to a finale but I don't think I have a choice. These past Eleven months has turned me into a different person and I want to get back to being the Man I really am.

 

I want to enjoy life again. I want to Love again. I've spent the last 11 months in a terrible hole, wandering what I could have done differently when in reality there was nothing I could do at all. I truly understand it really only takes one to dissolve a partnership and I just need to get on board with it and move on with my life.

 

You can't or couldn't ever make her do anything. However, you should have kicked the OM out immediately and exposed. You can't fix that now but you do need to learn from it. Fix yourself going forward.

 

your life is in your hands for the most part. Nothing about this sordid affair was right. Your wife is trying to form allies with your daughter but it's up to you to stick to the truth. When your kids grow up and leave its just you. They all want what's best for them. You don't count so much.

[S2B]

The court can deem that she is CAPABLE of working and earning a set standard amount of money IF she was willing to work!

 

That number is plugged into the equation of support.

 

 

If she is capable but CHOOSES not to work that should be considered.

 

And she's full of crap - there's plenty of jobs out there for those WILLING to work.

[heartbroken2017]

Wow, found out today they are still seeing each other. She has agreed to a non-contested divorce. Moving on now.

[DDTA]

Then make the divorce process quick before she gets her head of the affair fog long enough to realize what she really is about to lose and fight you tooth and nail later. People who act quick save a lot of divorce "pennies" that way.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Wow, found out today they are still seeing each other. She has agreed to a non-contested divorce. Moving on now.

 

 

Sorry about this heartbroken. It only takes 6 months to give our heart away -- so it's no wonder that people like you and me that were married for 20+ years are in shock when the other spouse wants to be set free.

 

Letting your wife go and moving on will take time. Give yourself all the time you need!! To find out your progress, google phrases like "Signs I've moved on from my Ex" --- I used this to gauge how far along I was in the process of letting go.

 

For me to really let go, I needed to know "HOW" could my wife do this to me. I bought many books, read a ton of articles, but the best thing that helped me understand was a book called Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. There are copies available on Amazon for a buck or two. If you don't buy the book, read the comments --- that will give you a good idea of what the book is about.

 

Basically, when a person wants to be set free, they are not trying to hurt us. But they can't leave someone that is nice and dandy, haha, so they start the blame game. That way when your wife is with her new boyfriend, she feels no guilt, because she is convinced that you were not a good match for her. Some will say our wives are evil, narcissistic jerks that deserve to be paid back for what they did. But I choose to believe they are fellow humans who are just looking to enjoy life. Yes, your wife is hurting you, but if she REALLY wanted to hurt you as an evil person, I think there's a thousand different ways she could have done it --- and your kids would probably need to visit your grave, if you know what I mean!!

 

I'm not saying that you become a doormat to her, but I am suggesting that you be thankful for the 21 years she shared with you, I'm suggesting that you work through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), and get to that last stage of Acceptance. Once you are there, you will be able to see her with another guy and not hate her guts.

 

There's nothing worse than being with someone that is staring out the window wanting to be somewhere else. So eventually, you'll realize that it was really best that she left, allowing you to rebuild and enjoy your life too.

 

And in a few months, I'd suggest changing your screen name to something positive. Of course you are are heartbroken now, but you will recover, and you can do very well without her.

 

And be on the lookout for her to still lean on you --- don't take that to mean she wants to return. She is just used to you being there to help her AND you are used to her being there for you. Both of you will need to move on, and that will take awhile.

[Marc878]

Don't do the "lets be friends" thing. This is all for her. It helps alieviate guilt and she can say "see he's ok with what I've done"!

 

Definition of friend = loyal, honest, trustworthy. She's not your friend.

[mikeylo]

Breaking up when still madly in love, is not going to be easy on you. While you are taking steps to end it, you havent yet realized the extent of grief that is coming your way. Its still fresh at few weeks.

 

It will hit soon.

 

Take care.

[heartbroken2017]

I know, pretty miserable right now. I never thought the women I've loved for 24 years could be so callus and cold. Said she just wants out. Doesn't even want to share custody of our 17 yr old daughter. Just wants to be away from us. My brain is telling me goodbye and good riddance but my heart feels like it's shattering all over again. My son has been so strong for me. He's telling me we will get through it all together. My daughter is in a little shock and has sorta locked herself in a shell. Not talking much at all. Neither of the kids want to even talk to their mom right now. She tried to explain it away to them that we just drifted apart but I showed them the email proof and they know now that she has been lying to all of us for 11 months. Her family is furious with her as well. So I'm the butthole who exposed her and said I should have just let it all go. I guess selfishly I just wanted them to know that I have been the honorable one all along. Unbelievable, she has no job, her boy toy barely makes 20K annually. No place to live. Wow, how did I let this happen.

[heartbroken2017]

I know, pretty miserable right now. I never thought the women I've loved for 24 years could be so callus and cold. Said she just wants out. Doesn't even want to share custody of our 17 yr old daughter. Just wants to be away from us. My brain is telling me goodbye and good riddance but my heart feels like it's shattering all over again. My son has been so strong for me. He's telling me we will get through it all together. My daughter is in a little shock and has sorta locked herself in a shell. Not talking much at all. Neither of the kids want to even talk to their mom right now. She tried to explain it away to them that we just drifted apart but I showed them the email proof and they know now that she has been lying to all of us for 11 months. Her family is furious with her as well. So I'm the butthole who exposed her and said I should have just let it all go. I guess selfishly I just wanted them to know that I have been the honorable one all along. Unbelievable, she has no job, her boy toy barely makes 20K annually. No place to live. Wow, how did I let this happen.

[whichwayisup]

I know, pretty miserable right now. I never thought the women I've loved for 24 years could be so callus and cold. Said she just wants out. Doesn't even want to share custody of our 17 yr old daughter. Just wants to be away from us. My brain is telling me goodbye and good riddance but my heart feels like it's shattering all over again. My son has been so strong for me. He's telling me we will get through it all together. My daughter is in a little shock and has sorta locked herself in a shell. Not talking much at all. Neither of the kids want to even talk to their mom right now. She tried to explain it away to them that we just drifted apart but I showed them the email proof and they know now that she has been lying to all of us for 11 months. Her family is furious with her as well. So I'm the butthole who exposed her and said I should have just let it all go. I guess selfishly I just wanted them to know that I have been the honorable one all along. Unbelievable, she has no job, her boy toy barely makes 20K annually. No place to live. Wow, how did I let this happen.

 

I'm sorry that you and your kids are in so much pain. Please go with your kids and do family counseling so you all can cope with all that's going on in a healthy way.

[Marc878]

I know, pretty miserable right now. I never thought the women I've loved for 24 years could be so callus and cold. Said she just wants out. Doesn't even want to share custody of our 17 yr old daughter. Just wants to be away from us. My brain is telling me goodbye and good riddance but my heart feels like it's shattering all over again. My son has been so strong for me. He's telling me we will get through it all together. My daughter is in a little shock and has sorta locked herself in a shell. Not talking much at all. Neither of the kids want to even talk to their mom right now. She tried to explain it away to them that we just drifted apart but I showed them the email proof and they know now that she has been lying to all of us for 11 months. Her family is furious with her as well. So I'm the butthole who exposed her and said I should have just let it all go. I guess selfishly I just wanted them to know that I have been the honorable one all along. Unbelievable, she has no job, her boy toy barely makes 20K annually. No place to live. Wow, how did I let this happen.

 

She's a big girl and is responsible for her actions. Trying to take the blame for this is Mr Nice Guy coming back. Which is why you are probably where you are.

 

You better wake up and protect yourself and your family. No one else is going to.

She's not your problem anymore. She fired you remember.

 

Start seeing her for who she is not who you thought of want her to be.

[BluesPower]

HB, the point is that YOU DID NOTHING TO ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. Which is what everyone has been telling you.

 

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES. She is. She had other options rather than have an affair and leave the marriage.

 

As bad as it hurts it is still not your fault. Fact of the matter is, there is probably nothing you could have done about any of it.

 

You need to internalize that information and keep repeating it.

 

IT IS NOT MY FAULT...

[Cephalopod]

She did what she did because she wanted to. She had an affair because she wanted to. She threw away everything good in her life because she wanted to.

She is throwing away her family because she wants to. She is hurting her children because she wants to.

 

Everything that has happened to her to this point has been according to her choices...her choices.

 

You will never get the "why" from her, because she probably lacks the self awareness to answer that question for herself. She is broken and will remain broken until she literally hits rock-bottom, and even then she may never really wake up and take responsibility for what she has done.

[Marc878]

Yep, she wants yo do what she's doing and you can't stop her. You'd better start working on yourself and figure out why you'd let yourself be abused like this.

 

You nor anyone deserves this treatment. Do not go back for more.

 

She's not worth it and you just may have woken up to who she always was.

 

Good women don't act or do this. Find one.

[heartbroken2017]

Amazing how things can get twisted. My wife has convinced my daughter that it's normal for someone married for 21 years to just walk away. Cheat and lie for a year while telling the spouse you'll try to work it out, unbelievable. She's convinced her that nothing last forever and it's not a big deal. I feel so sad for my Daughter because withbthat belief system she will struggle in her own relationships as she gets older. My son will not talk his mom at all. He said he still loves her but she betrayed us and lied about it for a year and he wants nothing to do with her now. I just reminded him that she is his mother and will always be no matter what mistakes she is making now.

 

It's still really hard but I'm holding up pretty good. Trying to stay busy and focus on the kids and myself.

[mikeylo]

Your daughter is 17 and will understand soon as to what your wife did.

 

Both your children will have trust issues in their relationships. That's the sad reality. She had to be exposed. If you had kept it secret then it's very likely that she might have manipulated the kids into thinking that you didn't put in the much needed effort in marriage.

 

Honourable people don't have to scream to tell the world that they are honorable. Their actions speak for them.

 

One needs a lot of courage to do what you have done.

[Marc878]

Part of the issue is you don't stand up to this. You have let your wife control this while situation for to long.

 

You remain quite you will end up letting your wife have control and she like any wayward will rewrite your whole marital history.

 

Bring in some family, friends and expose more.

 

This is what happens when you help hide the affair. You became accomplices with them against the wellbeing of your entire family

[Marc878]

Your wife's affair was 100% her fault.

 

Your handling of this mess is on you and to be honest maybe more detrimental to your family.

 

You should get done help to understand why you stood by and let your wife anc boyfriend destroy you and your family like this.

[Marc878]

Your wife's affair was 100% her fault.

 

Your handling of this mess is on you and to be honest maybe more detrimental to your family.

 

You should get some help to understand why you stood by and let your wife and boyfriend destroy you and your family like this.