Wife wants Divorce after 21 years

[DDTA]

heartbroken2017, I really think your wife is going through a major mid life crisis melt down. Has she gone through the whole empty nest syndrome? She wants to hang out with your daughter and her friends, she had an affair with your son's friend, that just sounds like she chasing a perceived "lost youth". There's no excuse for any of her actions and treatment of you but once you begin to understand their motivations a bit more it becomes easier to detach from the whole thing and even handle the situation going forward. Even if she did show remorse you are looking at 2 to 5 years for the reconciliation path. However, if she really is going through MLC you are looking at around a 7 year process of her coming out of it before you get anything resembling remorse. IMO, life is too short to stick around being with a remorseless wayward. The healthy version of midlife crisis is midlife "transition" and many folks handle it normally. But for those with deep flaws in their character, those who are truly broken but have masked it all this time, midlife churns that ugly out to the surface for the world to see and that flawed person does not have the tools to handle a life transition properly. That was definitely my XW. All I can tell you is that this her own battle she had to fight. All you can do is get yourself and your loved ones out of the way of her destruction.

 

I want to enjoy life again. I want to Love again. I've spent the last 11 months in a terrible hole, wandering what I could have done differently when in reality there was nothing I could do at all. I truly understand it really only takes one to dissolve a partnership and I just need to get on board with it and move on with my life.

 

Go with this and stay with it. This is the most important decision you have made and betrayed spouses who make the choice to enjoy their life again are the most successful at getting out of their situations, whether it be divorced or reconciled. Feeling hopeless in the situation is a trap. Fear is a trap. You may have heard this joke before - "Why is divorce expensive? Because it is worth every penny!" Wanting to enjoy life and to love again is worth every penny. You will get there again and look back at all this be glad to have paid your way out of it in seat, tears, and equity.

[Marc878]

I downloaded "No more Mr Nice Guy" on Saturday. I'm almost half way through it. It makes a lot of sense to me. Even though it's very hard I know it's the right thing to do. My Son is supporting me 100% which helps a lot. My daughter just wants it all to go away. My wife is showing her with extra attention, going out with her and her teenage friends, etc... Not much I can do about that now. I just want it to come to a conclusion. I am blessed for the time we have had but I won't continue like this. I have to contact the Attorney tomorrow and review the draft and I know it's going to be very hard to see it's coming to a finale but I don't think I have a choice. These past Eleven months has turned me into a different person and I want to get back to being the Man I really am.

 

I want to enjoy life again. I want to Love again. I've spent the last 11 months in a terrible hole, wandering what I could have done differently when in reality there was nothing I could do at all. I truly understand it really only takes one to dissolve a partnership and I just need to get on board with it and move on with my life.

 

You can't or couldn't ever make her do anything. However, you should have kicked the OM out immediately and exposed. You can't fix that now but you do need to learn from it. Fix yourself going forward.

 

your life is in your hands for the most part. Nothing about this sordid affair was right. Your wife is trying to form allies with your daughter but it's up to you to stick to the truth. When your kids grow up and leave its just you. They all want what's best for them. You don't count so much.

[heartbroken2017]

Wow, found out today they are still seeing each other. She has agreed to a non-contested divorce. Moving on now.

[DDTA]

Then make the divorce process quick before she gets her head of the affair fog long enough to realize what she really is about to lose and fight you tooth and nail later. People who act quick save a lot of divorce "pennies" that way.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Wow, found out today they are still seeing each other. She has agreed to a non-contested divorce. Moving on now.

 

 

Sorry about this heartbroken. It only takes 6 months to give our heart away -- so it's no wonder that people like you and me that were married for 20+ years are in shock when the other spouse wants to be set free.

 

Letting your wife go and moving on will take time. Give yourself all the time you need!! To find out your progress, google phrases like "Signs I've moved on from my Ex" --- I used this to gauge how far along I was in the process of letting go.

 

For me to really let go, I needed to know "HOW" could my wife do this to me. I bought many books, read a ton of articles, but the best thing that helped me understand was a book called Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. There are copies available on Amazon for a buck or two. If you don't buy the book, read the comments --- that will give you a good idea of what the book is about.

 

Basically, when a person wants to be set free, they are not trying to hurt us. But they can't leave someone that is nice and dandy, haha, so they start the blame game. That way when your wife is with her new boyfriend, she feels no guilt, because she is convinced that you were not a good match for her. Some will say our wives are evil, narcissistic jerks that deserve to be paid back for what they did. But I choose to believe they are fellow humans who are just looking to enjoy life. Yes, your wife is hurting you, but if she REALLY wanted to hurt you as an evil person, I think there's a thousand different ways she could have done it --- and your kids would probably need to visit your grave, if you know what I mean!!

 

I'm not saying that you become a doormat to her, but I am suggesting that you be thankful for the 21 years she shared with you, I'm suggesting that you work through the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), and get to that last stage of Acceptance. Once you are there, you will be able to see her with another guy and not hate her guts.

 

There's nothing worse than being with someone that is staring out the window wanting to be somewhere else. So eventually, you'll realize that it was really best that she left, allowing you to rebuild and enjoy your life too.

 

And in a few months, I'd suggest changing your screen name to something positive. Of course you are are heartbroken now, but you will recover, and you can do very well without her.

 

And be on the lookout for her to still lean on you --- don't take that to mean she wants to return. She is just used to you being there to help her AND you are used to her being there for you. Both of you will need to move on, and that will take awhile.

[Marc878]

Don't do the "lets be friends" thing. This is all for her. It helps alieviate guilt and she can say "see he's ok with what I've done"!

 

Definition of friend = loyal, honest, trustworthy. She's not your friend.

[mikeylo]

Breaking up when still madly in love, is not going to be easy on you. While you are taking steps to end it, you havent yet realized the extent of grief that is coming your way. Its still fresh at few weeks.

 

It will hit soon.

 

Take care.

[heartbroken2017]

I know, pretty miserable right now. I never thought the women I've loved for 24 years could be so callus and cold. Said she just wants out. Doesn't even want to share custody of our 17 yr old daughter. Just wants to be away from us. My brain is telling me goodbye and good riddance but my heart feels like it's shattering all over again. My son has been so strong for me. He's telling me we will get through it all together. My daughter is in a little shock and has sorta locked herself in a shell. Not talking much at all. Neither of the kids want to even talk to their mom right now. She tried to explain it away to them that we just drifted apart but I showed them the email proof and they know now that she has been lying to all of us for 11 months. Her family is furious with her as well. So I'm the butthole who exposed her and said I should have just let it all go. I guess selfishly I just wanted them to know that I have been the honorable one all along. Unbelievable, she has no job, her boy toy barely makes 20K annually. No place to live. Wow, how did I let this happen.

[heartbroken2017]

I know, pretty miserable right now. I never thought the women I've loved for 24 years could be so callus and cold. Said she just wants out. Doesn't even want to share custody of our 17 yr old daughter. Just wants to be away from us. My brain is telling me goodbye and good riddance but my heart feels like it's shattering all over again. My son has been so strong for me. He's telling me we will get through it all together. My daughter is in a little shock and has sorta locked herself in a shell. Not talking much at all. Neither of the kids want to even talk to their mom right now. She tried to explain it away to them that we just drifted apart but I showed them the email proof and they know now that she has been lying to all of us for 11 months. Her family is furious with her as well. So I'm the butthole who exposed her and said I should have just let it all go. I guess selfishly I just wanted them to know that I have been the honorable one all along. Unbelievable, she has no job, her boy toy barely makes 20K annually. No place to live. Wow, how did I let this happen.

[whichwayisup]

I know, pretty miserable right now. I never thought the women I've loved for 24 years could be so callus and cold. Said she just wants out. Doesn't even want to share custody of our 17 yr old daughter. Just wants to be away from us. My brain is telling me goodbye and good riddance but my heart feels like it's shattering all over again. My son has been so strong for me. He's telling me we will get through it all together. My daughter is in a little shock and has sorta locked herself in a shell. Not talking much at all. Neither of the kids want to even talk to their mom right now. She tried to explain it away to them that we just drifted apart but I showed them the email proof and they know now that she has been lying to all of us for 11 months. Her family is furious with her as well. So I'm the butthole who exposed her and said I should have just let it all go. I guess selfishly I just wanted them to know that I have been the honorable one all along. Unbelievable, she has no job, her boy toy barely makes 20K annually. No place to live. Wow, how did I let this happen.

 

I'm sorry that you and your kids are in so much pain. Please go with your kids and do family counseling so you all can cope with all that's going on in a healthy way.

[Marc878]

I know, pretty miserable right now. I never thought the women I've loved for 24 years could be so callus and cold. Said she just wants out. Doesn't even want to share custody of our 17 yr old daughter. Just wants to be away from us. My brain is telling me goodbye and good riddance but my heart feels like it's shattering all over again. My son has been so strong for me. He's telling me we will get through it all together. My daughter is in a little shock and has sorta locked herself in a shell. Not talking much at all. Neither of the kids want to even talk to their mom right now. She tried to explain it away to them that we just drifted apart but I showed them the email proof and they know now that she has been lying to all of us for 11 months. Her family is furious with her as well. So I'm the butthole who exposed her and said I should have just let it all go. I guess selfishly I just wanted them to know that I have been the honorable one all along. Unbelievable, she has no job, her boy toy barely makes 20K annually. No place to live. Wow, how did I let this happen.

 

She's a big girl and is responsible for her actions. Trying to take the blame for this is Mr Nice Guy coming back. Which is why you are probably where you are.

 

You better wake up and protect yourself and your family. No one else is going to.

She's not your problem anymore. She fired you remember.

 

Start seeing her for who she is not who you thought of want her to be.

[BluesPower]

HB, the point is that YOU DID NOTHING TO ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. Which is what everyone has been telling you.

 

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES. She is. She had other options rather than have an affair and leave the marriage.

 

As bad as it hurts it is still not your fault. Fact of the matter is, there is probably nothing you could have done about any of it.

 

You need to internalize that information and keep repeating it.

 

IT IS NOT MY FAULT...

[Cephalopod]

She did what she did because she wanted to. She had an affair because she wanted to. She threw away everything good in her life because she wanted to.

She is throwing away her family because she wants to. She is hurting her children because she wants to.

 

Everything that has happened to her to this point has been according to her choices...her choices.

 

You will never get the "why" from her, because she probably lacks the self awareness to answer that question for herself. She is broken and will remain broken until she literally hits rock-bottom, and even then she may never really wake up and take responsibility for what she has done.

[Marc878]

Yep, she wants yo do what she's doing and you can't stop her. You'd better start working on yourself and figure out why you'd let yourself be abused like this.

 

You nor anyone deserves this treatment. Do not go back for more.

 

She's not worth it and you just may have woken up to who she always was.

 

Good women don't act or do this. Find one.

[heartbroken2017]

Amazing how things can get twisted. My wife has convinced my daughter that it's normal for someone married for 21 years to just walk away. Cheat and lie for a year while telling the spouse you'll try to work it out, unbelievable. She's convinced her that nothing last forever and it's not a big deal. I feel so sad for my Daughter because withbthat belief system she will struggle in her own relationships as she gets older. My son will not talk his mom at all. He said he still loves her but she betrayed us and lied about it for a year and he wants nothing to do with her now. I just reminded him that she is his mother and will always be no matter what mistakes she is making now.

 

It's still really hard but I'm holding up pretty good. Trying to stay busy and focus on the kids and myself.

[mikeylo]

Your daughter is 17 and will understand soon as to what your wife did.

 

Both your children will have trust issues in their relationships. That's the sad reality. She had to be exposed. If you had kept it secret then it's very likely that she might have manipulated the kids into thinking that you didn't put in the much needed effort in marriage.

 

Honourable people don't have to scream to tell the world that they are honorable. Their actions speak for them.

 

One needs a lot of courage to do what you have done.

[Marc878]

Part of the issue is you don't stand up to this. You have let your wife control this while situation for to long.

 

You remain quite you will end up letting your wife have control and she like any wayward will rewrite your whole marital history.

 

Bring in some family, friends and expose more.

 

This is what happens when you help hide the affair. You became accomplices with them against the wellbeing of your entire family

[Marc878]

Your wife's affair was 100% her fault.

 

Your handling of this mess is on you and to be honest maybe more detrimental to your family.

 

You should get done help to understand why you stood by and let your wife anc boyfriend destroy you and your family like this.

[Marc878]

Your wife's affair was 100% her fault.

 

Your handling of this mess is on you and to be honest maybe more detrimental to your family.

 

You should get some help to understand why you stood by and let your wife and boyfriend destroy you and your family like this.

[DDTA]

My wife has convinced my daughter that it's normal for someone married for 21 years to just walk away.

 

Ahhhh...the "walk away wife" syndrome! Google that up, heartbroken2017. There is a psychology today article online about it. I think that is going to be quite eye opening for you. You should show your daughter the article as well to counter your wife's wayward thinking.

[heartbroken2017]

Thank You, that is an insightful article. She's determined to get away and unfortunately she don't have the financial resources to do so since she has no job and my income barely supports the family as it is.

 

For so long I wanted her back so bad I could eat or sleep. I'm better Now with My Sons support. He's been a huge help through this. We went months where she would confess her love for me and wanting to stay together but it was all a sham. It appears she has had this agenda for a while and her affair with our Sons friend just gave her the courage. We seemed to be on a better path until recently I found out they were seeing each other again.

 

All of the pain, sorrow and even guilt came crashing back into me. I know I need to end all of this with her. I am trying to do just that. We are meeting next week to go over details for the divorce. So far it's amicable but who knows how long that will last. She told me she wanted me to have custody of our 17 year old daughter because she wants to be completely on her own. Our daughter took that as she was a piece of property to be fought over. I tried to explain that it was not my decision and I am completely ok with her deciding who to stay with. But her mom said she wanted to be alone not me.

 

No my wife's misguided notions are clouding my daughters head as well. They are thinking now that my daughter can get a job to help her. Unbelievable she would ask our daughter for this. We are moving forward with the plan to end this but I hate my daughter is being played.

[BaileyB]

That is a terrible thing to expect of your daughter.

 

I know that it is hard times for you too, but I do hope you are able to support your daughter through this experience such that she will know the love and strength of one parent who can show her the way...

 

If you can get her some more support through counselling, that may be very helpful too. Best wishes.

[Cephalopod]

Your WW is a special kind of slime. Some people just completely go to heck in a handbasket for seemingly no reason whatsoever.

 

You need to man up. I'm sorry for saying that cliche phrase, but in your case it is pertinent. Your kids are looking to you for strength and leadership and you have dropped the ball badly my friend. Take charge of this divorce and ask your WW to leave. Tell her she needs to go and stop causing suffering to everyone around her. Her very presence is killing what is left of the bonds between you and your kids. Cut the tumor out now before it takes over the whole body.

[DDTA]

The thing you should key in on in that article I mentioned is this -

 

It is said that people don’t change until they hit rock bottom and I can tell you first hand that the bottom doesn’t get any lower than the earth beneath these men’s feet. The threat of divorce generates true soul-searching. These are the men who readily schedule appointments for therapy, sign up for marriage seminars, read every self-help book they can get their hands on, seek spiritual connection and even risk vulnerability by discussing the f-word (feelings) with friends and family. Gradually, they become the husbands these women have been wanting.

 

But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless, tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands.

 

My 2nd wife will vouch for this part -

 

They typically make great second husbands.

 

Now that also means the men come out a better person for themselves IF they choose to do this work.

 

That is what I chose in my past situation. I did that whole scheduling therapy appointements, read self-help books and online materials, attended relationship seminars as mentioned in that article. I also started excercising more and watching my diet, grew a beard and changed out my wardrobe. Did the hobbies I always wanted to do. Socialized more. Took more risks than I normally would. I essentially became the guy I thought I would be had I NOT gotten married the first time. Six months into the phyical separation I realized I really didn't need my wife at all to live a good life. I also realized my kids would be fine as long as one of the parents was the stable, loving, reassuring, one with a plan for the future. I chose to be that parent. I let go of the outcome of my situation and just decided I want to be happy again for me and my two boys, and most of all to move forward. I strongly suggest you do the same but do it for you, not FOR your wife and not with any expectations you will end up with her again or even another woman. Do it to show your kids that you can be happy on your own. Show them that happiness does not come from other people or being with other people. Prove to yourself and show them that you should be with someone as a matter of "choice" instead of a matter of "need". My XW definitely noticed my changes. That knowledge I gleened from those self-help books on relationships and communication? I used it to strengthen my relationship and my bond with my kids. That really paid off because they learned those same lessons from me, especially communication. I learned to be a better listener and as a result they felt more comfortable being about to communicate to me thier fears, frustrations, anger, hope over the situation with me and in turn their own IC. They learend to communicate with each other in better ways. I have a great relationship with my kids now.

 

Yes, my first wife noticed all this change. But I noticed something as well and that was my first wife wasn't changing, at all. As I grew out of my situation to be a better man I see my first wife more and more clear for who she really was and I became disgusted with her absolutel selfishness. I realized that she simply played a "role" this whole time. She was never true to me, the kids, and most of all herself. Then came the discovery of what prompted her "Walk out wife" routine in the first place, that she had been having an affair for 6 months leading up to my Dday. I told my first wife from the time we were dating that an affair to me was an absolute deal breaker. When I found out about the affair it was like the last link I had with her was severed and I felt immense relief to know that I can really move forward without this doubt of hanging over my head asking myself "did I really do all I could to save this marraige?" It didn't matter to me anymore since she not only stomped the hell out of our marraige with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bull$h#t speech, but lit it on fire with her curiousity for some "strange". My reasoning for an affair being the ultimate deal breaker is because if someone who claims to love you can go so far as to have it in them to betray you, what is to say they won't betray any other person they love, including their own children? Reading that your wife has already gone as far as to plan having your daughter earn a living to support her mother's lifestyle of boinking her boy toy pretty much proves that.

 

 

Get with your attorney and have a plan, heartbroken2017. Get your ducks in a row. Put some milestones in you progress so that you don't delay your journey out of infidelity. Read up on the 180 and detach from your cheating wife. Let your kids support you and cheer lead you. For as long as you allow your wife to tell you that she "wants to stay together" yada, yada, yada, she will keep trying to hoover you back into the role of the back burner husband, the Plan B. Real and impacting change starts with you. Your new beginning will remain on hold for as long as you keep holding on to the old marriage. I know letting go is the scariest thing to do because of all the uncertainty, but there are many of us betrayed spouses that moved on to a better life once we let go of the old. Some of them had their former cheating spouses return to be better people and they reconciled. Some found a better person to spend the rest of their days with. Some decided to spend their days on their own without a partner. The absolute worst outcome in all of this is to remain in limbo.

[aliveagain]

Please get your daughter into counselling, she's getting horrible advice from someone that makes horrible decisions. Your soon to be ex will be one of those lonely ladies with a synthetic face, boobs and living with 80 cats. Focus your anger where it belongs, on your soon to be ex wife(STBXW). Make sure she understands you will not be her friend when she is out of your home. She's looking like a fool to the rest of the world and I feel for your son and your daughter, the humiliation they must feel that their mother is banging their friend. Cut her off your credit cards, let her fend for herself. Yes you will take a hit on your equity when you divorce but trust me, it's worth the money to get someone this broken out of your life. She will go ape sh*t when she hears that your dating. Read the 180 and use it to distance yourself from her.