Wife wants Divorce after 21 years

[Try]

I have always admitted that I could do more to help. I was working 60 to 70 hrs a week and still coming home to help with laundry, dishes, homework, etc.. I think in a way I've done too much.

 

When my work got stressful I was unable to give her the attention she needed thus she basically walked away from our marriage and then had the affair with our Sons friend.

Wait a minute, she was a stay at home wife while you worked "60 to 70 hrs a week" in order to pay all of the bills, and yet she still expected you to "help with laundry, dishes, homework, etc." when you got home from work? Worse yet, with the 60 to 70 hours a week at work, and then you coming home to do house work, she still expected you to find the time to give her the same amount of "attention" that she was getting from the guy that was living off of you in your home?

 

Your tough stance on divorce, and you saying that you have "done too much", shows that you have finally awakened to the fact that if you act like a doormat, you cannot then be surprised if people walk all over you like your wife and her boyfriend have. Take this lesson to the your next relationship. Good luck and be well.

[heartbroken2017]

I put my house up for sale. Im also taking a transfer with my Job. Been a long year, as much as it still hurts I have to go.

[Quiet Storms]

I put my house up for sale. Im also taking a transfer with my Job. Been a long year, as much as it still hurts I have to go.

 

Good that you are taking a stance and moving forward. From what I've read of your story, you deserve much better, and you will find it.

[oldshirt]

Over the past several years she has not had to work. I made a great living and she wanted to stay home with the kids. I encouraged her to work because she was always happier when she did. Had more friends to socialize with, etc..

 

I had asked her to get a job a few years ago when I changed jobs and lost income. So she could help out with the living and other expenses. She said she would be never got past the I think I'll put some applications in phase.

 

She never really got serious or so I thought until this past year. But she still has not found one. I don't even know if she's applied anywhere either.

 

So who enabled her? I was say I have by thinking that my place in the family was to provide and give my wife the support she needed to run the household.

 

But that's all came crashing down this past year. She virtually quit any of the work in the house and quit on our marriage. I have always admitted that I could do more to help. I was working 60 to 70 hrs a week and still coming home to help with laundry, dishes, homework, etc.. I think in a way I've done too much.

 

When my work got stressful I was unable to give her the attention she needed thus she basically walked away from our marriage and then had the affair with our Sons friend. I can look back and say I've done some harm in the relationship but I can't in anyway shape or form see how I deserved this. A nonstop barrage of things like, You can't even put the dishes away correctly or why did you dry that shirt. It didn't matter whatever I did it was wrong.

 

So here I am trying to navigate my way around a divorce as quickly and uneventful as I can.

 

You are starting to see a little glimmer of the light, but you have a long way to go.

 

The truth is you are in NO WAY responsible for your wife's decision to get down with another guy.

 

That is completely on her lack of character, bad behavior and disregard for you and her family.

 

You could have scrubbed that house until the glare blinded the neighbors and you could have brought her all means in bed and fanned her like Cleopatra and she still would've done that guy because she is entitled, selfish and has no respect or consideration for anyone but herself. She cheated due to her lack of character, not anything you did or did not do.

 

Sometimes BS's want to believe something they did or did not do caused their WS to cheat because that makes it feel like they have some control and that if they can crack the right code and flip the right switches and find the right sequence that they can make every ok.

 

But they can't. They can't because the cheater's actions are 100% on them and nothing anyone does or does not do can make them do anything.

 

Now if you hadn't spoken to her in a year and hadn't made any attempt to give her any lovins for months or years and had total disregard for her and she was doing some dude on her way out the door to make a new life for herself, then fine, you can accept some of the responsibility for the state of the relationship.

 

But assuming you were acting in good faith and weren't outright abusing, exploiting or completely ignoring her needs (which working 70 hrs a week so she can eat and have a roof over her head is not ignoring her needs) then her sucking on some other guy's junk has nothing to do with you.

 

The sooner that all sinks in and you realize that, you will not have any issue dropping the ax on the remaining strings of your contact with her.

 

You are getting closer and making progress and that is a good sign that we are all glad to see.

 

But you are still accepting way too much of the blame and that is probably still holding you back from moving on as much as you could be.

[mikeylo]

^^ what oldshirt said. There is nothing you could have done or not done, she would have cheated anyways.

 

Out of sight, out of mind is what you need. Constant reminders wont let you move on.Good Luck.

[heartbroken2017]

Yea, this is what I need. Can't happen too soon. Lot of details now before I leave but will be worth it to start over. It's going to be a long road but I feel better every day. I guess one day at a time.

[Cephalopod]

Putting geographical distance between you and your ex will aid your healing.

 

But as painful as it is, look at this as a second chance at a new life for yourself. Think about it...you get to determine your destiny from this point onward. You can re-define and re-make yourself into a stronger, better man...the kind of man you would want to hang out with.

[Marc878]

And you can get your daughter away from this wreck of a person

[heartbroken2017]

I'm trying but she has my daughter buffaloed right now. She will realize pretty soon that her mom is just making it worse on her. She won't listen to me right now.

[Marc878]

Go your own way. As you've seen your actions will get you where you need to be

 

Talk at this time is meaningless. I suspect reality will hit quicker than you think.

 

Hard 180!!!! Don't underestimate no contact

[Cephalopod]

I'm trying but she has my daughter buffaloed right now. She will realize pretty soon that her mom is just making it worse on her. She won't listen to me right now.

 

Your daughter is close to 18 isn't she?

[heartbroken2017]

Yes she will be 18 in a couple months. I'm am suspect after a short "this is fun time with Mom" she will realize that she won't want that type of distraction in her life.

[Cephalopod]

Then once she hits legal age, show her the door. Seriously. If she is going to side with her mother against you, knowing all the facts of what went down with her mother's cheating, then this is a fight you are not going to win. Tell her you love her but you will not accept disrespect or ill-treatment from her. Tough love. It's time to take a stand with this girl.

 

Once a woman, any woman, loses respect for a man in her life...it is gone. There is no saving the relationship with your daughter because there is no relationship to save. Yes, maybe her mother did brainwash her. You cannot change that. You cannot change the past. What is done is done. It is time to move on and start concentrating on you.

 

Again, it is all about your boundaries, which you still refuse to uphold. You have never upheld your boundaries with your daughter and thus you have trained her in how to treat you. You should not pay for her college, you should not help her out financially, you should not enable her bad behavior in any way.

[mikeylo]

Your daughter will understand quickly once the thrill settles down and reality hits.

 

( I wouldnt cut her out though. She is still your child and under wrong guidance as of now )

[DDTA]

Heartbroken, what helped in my situation with my two boys was being the "stable" parent, the "rock" if you will, that my boys could always rely on through the [] storm. I told them that I had a plan for all three of us and that was to get a new place where each if them would have their own rooms and it would be their new home.

 

My 1st wife at the time then moved out so we repainted inside the marital home to make it our own and my boys got to decorate their own rooms any way they wanted. We stayed in it for another year before selling it and getting a new house. I know your children are grown but the point was to make sure the kids knew they always had a home to come back to once they graduated school and moved on and at least one parent they could rely on.

 

They knew that dad is the stable parent, the one they could have an honest conversation with and let them know how they felt. They need to know that dad is still dad after all the changes, but just a better and bolder version of him so they don't worry about you so much. If they know you will be ok and most importantly you will be happier down the road then they will lean on you for advise and guidance as the grow. Unfortunately, their mom is going to be a circus show of a mess that they watch from afar.

 

Stay consistent with a part of you that they are pleasantly familiar with, like old family traditions you had with the kids, and start making new traditions with them in your new beginning. Your consistency of actions, behavior, and words will begin to unravel so the brainwashing your wife is attempting to do as her lies will eventually catch up to her and she becomes more and more inconsistent in her actions and what she says.

 

You won't (and shouldn't) have to say anything negative about your wife from here on out because your kids will see the truth in plain sight as to who is living right and who us making the worst decisions. Just tell them you only hope their mother will eventually seek the help she needs.

Edited March 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

Did the divorce get finalized?

[heartbroken2017]

No it's not finalized yet. She now says she don't want a divorce just some space. I had her served and now waiting to see how it goes from here. I'm starting a new position soon in another state and was hoping to get this behind me but I'm fearing the worse. It will be difficult to work this out far away but I'll have to let the attorney figure it out.

[Cephalopod]

No it's not finalized yet. She now says she don't want a divorce just some space. I had her served and now waiting to see how it goes from here. I'm starting a new position soon in another state and was hoping to get this behind me but I'm fearing the worse. It will be difficult to work this out far away but I'll have to let the attorney figure it out.

 

Make the move. Tell her she is about to get all the space she needs. Tell her she should embrace the divorce. She will finally be free to be the promiscuous bimbo she has always wanted to be.

 

Move to that other state and start a new life for yourself. Look at this situation as an opportunity to re-invent yourself.

[heartbroken2017]

That's exactly my plan now. She has screwed my credit up by not paying some bills but I found a realtor that is working with me in the new location. I have 2 more weeks to get my house ready for market. Then heading out.

[Marc878]

You maybe able to get your credit corrected

I've done that on a couple oddball items that didn't get paid

[Jooles]

You deserve so much better than what your wife has given you. It was the right decision to move on. You are teaching your children that a marriage is not when one person forsakes the needs and love of the other. They grew up in your household and know exactly what kind of person your wife is. Let your kids know that you love them unconditionally and will always be there for them. It should not be a team mom vs team dad scenario.

 

Life is short, and please make sure you remember to do things that give you joy. Smile every day, and be hopeful for a brighter future!! Things WILL get better!!

[DDTA]

In my past experience I had found that some creditors were "creatively" cooperative when I explained my situation as being in divorce process. It is advantageous to be the first party to contact them for assistance.

[heartbroken2017]

Well my Daughter finally woke up and realized what was really going on. She's making more noise than I would have ever expected. I'm proud of her. She's said she still loves her mom but will not support her and her actions.

[DDTA]

This is good. This is the most opportune time to validate her feelings about the situation and empathize with her placement in it. All the while just "be" the better parent she can talk to about all this. Let her be angry with you if she does at some pont and don't try to defend it. Just tell her you understand her frustration as your are just as frustrated with it as well but that you, just as she does, have choices and one of them is to remove herself out of her mother infidelity mess just as you are doing. Be your kids sanctuary that they can go to through this storm and they will choose you. It is times like these when honesty with your kids is so important. I can tell you that with my experience opening up more with my two boys and making sure to really listen to them when they open up to me has strengthened our familial bond. They still love their mother but now know she is human like anyone else and prone to making bad choices and most of all that the treason for for the divorce had absolutely nothing to do with them, as well as nothing to do with their father. Infidelity is a choice fully made and owned by the cheater.

 

You got this heartbroken. I can read your strength growing with each post of progress. Your momentum is building along the way. Once you get that new job, new place and the divorce finalized the pain won't entirely disappear but it will transform into something you can better manage and analyze. Healing will start to accelerate. Detachment becomes easier and your future becomes easier to visualize as you build your new path going forward.

[Marc878]

Well my Daughter finally woke up and realized what was really going on. She's making more noise than I would have ever expected. I'm proud of her. She's said she still loves her mom but will not support her and her actions.

 

What's the wifes reaction?