Wife wants Divorce after 21 years

[mikeylo]

Everything is difficult till you decide in your mind.When your mind is fully set, its then to get the ball rolling.

 

It wont be easy but as long as you have set your eyes on your goal, you will withstand everything.

[cjmmytunes]

Hope things are going as you have planned. Keep us updated.

 

Thinking of you and your kids, and praying that things go the best for you all.

[heartbroken2017]

Things are going as planned so far. It's been pretty difficult but I'm staying the course. My daughter is pretty upset as well. I'm ready to move on now. The wife is starting to see what the repercussions are for her actions. I'm not trying to be an ass but no man deserves what I have been going through. My Son is really upset. He loves his Mom but understands she has done this not me. She's finding out now that for the last 10 years she chose not to work is having an effect on her ability to find a job now for anything more than minimum wage. I'm staying strong.

[Marc878]

Things are going as planned so far. It's been pretty difficult but I'm staying the course. My daughter is pretty upset as well. I'm ready to move on now. The wife is starting to see what the repercussions are for her actions. I'm not trying to be an ass but no man deserves what I have been going through. My Son is really upset. He loves his Mom but understands she has done this not me. She's finding out now that for the last 10 years she chose not to work is having an effect on her ability to find a job now for anything more than minimum wage. I'm staying strong.

 

Correct. You're not perfect neither is your marriage or your wife. None are.

However, you didn't use her imperfections to have an affair or treat her like this did you? See the difference?

[Marc878]

If you're inclined you may when you think the time is right print this out for your wife.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Right now you should distance yourself and apply the 180. Maybe go away visit friends, family, etc. I would move her out of the bedroom if you haven't and remove your wedding band. Whether you in the future want to try reconciliation consequences are a good thing.

 

Do not offer anything until you take a lot of time and think this through.

 

The separation will do you good for now. The 180 isin this link

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Marc878]

Exposure for the most part works. As you've seen strength will get you where you need to be no matter which way this turns out.

 

I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Many linger for years in this situation and it's so unnecessary.

[heartbroken2017]

No I did not. I've always been there for her. If it was simply "Hey honey I fell out of love with you" it would be a little easier to stomach. The cheating with my Sons friend then trying to convince me it was all my fault. I almost freaking fell for it. I'm so motivated to get this over with now. My Daughter has a few months of School left but she's pretty strong. My wife wants us to wait till she's out of school and try to work it out now. I just don't trust her at all anymore. She is always sitting by herself texting on her phone and never is without it. Even takes it to the bathroom with her. I still love my with with all of my heart but I amam not going to continue this crap. She's going to realize what she's lost.

 

My Son told me tonight to do whatever I have to. He will support me. He starts a new job next week and we are thinking of getting a place for us three.

 

I'm putting my house up for sale. It's in my name only.

[Marc878]

No I did not. I've always been there for her. If it was simply "Hey honey I fell out of love with you" it would be a little easier to stomach. The cheating with my Sons friend then trying to convince me it was all my fault. I almost freaking fell for it. I'm so motivated to get this over with now. My Daughter has a few months of School left but she's pretty strong. My wife wants us to wait till she's out of school and try to work it out now. I just don't trust her at all anymore. She is always sitting by herself texting on her phone and never is without it. Even takes it to the bathroom with her. I still love my with with all of my heart but I amam not going to continue this crap. She's going to realize what she's lost.

 

My Son told me tonight to do whatever I have to. He will support me. He starts a new job next week and we are thinking of getting a place for us three.

 

I'm putting my house up for sale. It's in my name only.

 

Of course she does. She's a cake eater.

 

If you're smart you'll take her down of the pedestal your heart has her on and start seeing her for who she really is not who you want her to be.

 

A decent wife and mother would have not stupped this low.

[Marc878]

She's probably texting the other man. This affair isn't over yet.

 

Cancel your current phone plan and start another without giving her access. Do not continue to finance her affair. Don't warn just do it. Let her figure it out.

[Marc878]

As you've found you're words mean nothing and have little effect. Actions are good. Let them speak for you.

[heartbroken2017]

She might be. Don't care anymore. Good bye and good riddence. I just let the in laws know as well. Not a happy place around here. She's not getting much support at all.

[Marc878]

She might be. Don't care anymore. Good bye and good riddence. I just let the in laws know as well. Not a happy place around here. She's not getting much support at all.

 

Exposure if nothing else will get a huge load off your chest. when you shine a light on it the fantasy disappears quickly in most cases.

 

You'll be on the rollercoaster for awhile. Be prepared for her comeback.

 

If she has no remourse then Reconcilling will not happen. Don't confuse regret of being exposed as remourse. Two very different things.

 

You'd better take a lot of time to think about what you want. Everything at this time should be on your timeline. She doesn't or shouldn't count.

[Marc878]

How's she reacting to the exposure?

 

Trying to blame you will be much tougher now but expect her family to eventually side with her. Blood is thicker than than water

[heartbroken2017]

At this point I don't want to reconcile. I'm ready to move on. No person should have had to endure what I went through. The last week has been much better for me. I'm finally seeing her for what she really is. God help the next poor guy she screws over.

[Marc878]

At this point I don't want to reconcile. I'm ready to move on. No person should have had to endure what I went through. The last week has been much better for me. I'm finally seeing her for what she really is. God help the next poor guy she screws over.

 

Your feelings may change so be prepared. Never be someone's doormat.

 

Good job so far.

Edited February 26, 2017 by Marc878

[heartbroken2017]

I'm sure I will get mixed emotions as this moves forward but she is still trying to convince me and my Son that's it's all my fault. That I caused this. Unbelievable how screwed up this is. But now she wants to try and work on outer marriage. I can't do anything but move forward with my plans and try to heal myself.

[Marc878]

I'm sure I will get mixed emotions as this moves forward but she is still trying to convince me and my Son that's it's all my fault. That I caused this. Unbelievable how screwed up this is. But now she wants to try and work on outer marriage. I can't do anything but move forward with my plans and try to heal myself.

 

Don't put up with that. It's typical cheater script. You are correct. Go your own way. Read the 180!!!! Very important here.

[heartbroken2017]

I'm not falling for it. I'm sick of how this has transpired. I'm embarrassed for the way I've responded. I should have ran them both off as soon as I found out. I'm afraid my heart is jaded now.

[Marc878]

I'm not falling for it. I'm sick of how this has transpired. I'm embarrassed for the way I've responded. I should have ran them both off as soon as I found out. I'm afraid my heart is jaded now.

 

Yep, you should have handled this differently but you can't fix that.

 

Going forward keep strong. It may not seem like it now but you will get through this.

 

You see now how strength makes handling this much easier than you thought.

Edited February 26, 2017 by Marc878

[whichwayisup]

If you're inclined you may when you think the time is right print this out for your wife.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Right now you should distance yourself and apply the 180. Maybe go away visit friends, family, etc. I would move her out of the bedroom if you haven't and remove your wedding band. Whether you in the future want to try reconciliation consequences are a good thing.

 

Do not offer anything until you take a lot of time and think this through.

 

The separation will do you good for now. The 180 isin this link

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

No, by printing this out and showing it to his wife, that will reveal this place to her and right now he needs all the support he can get without her invading his space. I doubt he wants her reading his thoughts, let alone what if she joins this site too? It has happened too many times when both spouses post on this site.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure I will get mixed emotions as this moves forward but she is still trying to convince me and my Son that's it's all my fault. That I caused this. Unbelievable how screwed up this is. But now she wants to try and work on outer marriage. I can't do anything but move forward with my plans and try to heal myself.

 

You can't reason with someone who is in such denial. Reality hasn't hit her (yet) but when it does, boy will she need counseling badly.

 

 

Your in laws are upset with her, rightfully so but she is going to need their love and support. Them shunning her or shutting her out isn't good. They can be pissed at her but they can't ignore her. They can get her counseling when she finally hits rock bottom.

 

Eventually way in the future, you and your wife can be great co parents together yet apart. Even some day having a genuine respect for one another as mom and dad. No friendship, but just common courtesy for your kids sake.

 

And she's going to go through hell trying to mend her relationship with the kids... That's going to be a tough one.

[oldshirt]

You are doing remarkably and it is good to hear you are starting to see through all her crap and all her smoke and mirrors.

 

Taking the phone to the bathroom is as big of a sign that she is still in contact with the OM as it gets. If she isn't in contact with him specifically, she is warming up another guy on deck so she has a soft place to land if she gets tossed out.

 

also kudos to you for exposing her to her family. I would recommend that you not expose her to your friends and family just yet. Only expose to your family once you have completely decided to divorce and have started the divorce process.

 

Otherwise if you do decide to try to reconcile, they will always hold a grudge and not treat her warmly and that will additional stress and challenge to reconciliation.

[oldshirt]

And most importantly for this stage of the game, you need to see a lawyer immediately and find out what your rights and responsibilities would be if she were to dump you or you were to kick her out.

 

Since she has be unemployed for 10 years, she may be entitled to spousal support and if that has been her marital home that she helped maintain and raised the marital children in, she may be entitled to a significant percentage of the equity of the home even though it was in your name.

 

It may be advisable to not file for divorce until she has a steady income, otherwise you'll be paying spousal support and that may give her incentive NOT to find a job and not to work.

 

She opt to remain unemployed and unemployable just so that you have to send her money every month.

 

These are things you need to talk to a lawyer about and find out about now before you file and before you leave the marital home or kick her out of the marital home.

 

Some times if a spouse moves out, the court can interpret that as abandonment and use that against the person that left. You need to discuss this with a lawyer and not make any decisions or take any actions without legal counsel.

 

Anything that you do now based on anger or hurt or any emotion, may come back and bite you in the butt legally and financially. The court and legal system does not care that she was getting down with a 20 year old that you were trying to help. The legal system does not care about any ethical or moral atrocity that she committed. they only deal with the legal and financial aspect of the dissolution of the marital contract and the division of the marital property and assets of the marriage and the continued care and well being of the minor children.

 

See a lawyer Monday morning and work out a solid and legally sound plan before taking any action.

 

Don't allow your actions or emotions make you do anything dumb.

[oldshirt]

I know my daughter is almost 18 but this is going to be very hard on her as welll. I am afraid if she thinks it's OK to give up on a marriage then she will struggle with her relationships as well. .

 

I want to address this statement and I need to you to pay attention very closely.

 

Your daughter is at the cusp of adulthood and needs to see the world for what it really is.

 

#1. She needs to see that there are consequences and prices to pay for unacceptable behavior. If she sees you being a doormat being walked on by a cheater that will demonstrate to her that, A- if some guy cheats on her, she should just suck it up and let him wipe his shoes on her. And/or, B - that she is entitled to be a cheater and that guys should just let her do what she wants.

 

.... and if she has that mindset and she does cheat on some guy and he does have a backbone and leaves her - she won't be able to deal with that in a healthy manner.

 

#2. This is NOT showing her to 'give up' on relationships. This is showing her that one does not tolerate being mistreated, disrespected and cheated on. Relationships that involve maltreatment, disrespect and infidelity are healthy relationships and should not be maintained or tolerated.

 

This will demonstrate to her that people have the basic human right to be treated fairly and properly and if that does not occur, they should walk.

 

There is a huge, fundamental difference between leaving a relationship just because someone squeezes the wrong end of the toothpaste vs being cheated on, lied to, disrespected and mistreated.

 

As a father, you want her to learn to drop the microphone and exit stage-left the moment she is mistreated.

 

That is not abandoning relationships. That not allowing oneself to be mistreated and used and manipulated by predatorial people that will use, manipulate and mistreat her and that is one of the most important things a father can teach his daughter.

 

You are doing the right thing here.

[oldshirt]

I know I should just end this but I'm 51 years old and how hard will it be for me to find someone special again?

 

And finally I want to address this statement because I do think it is this kind of fear that keeps people in toxic and destructive relationships without valid reason.

 

I just turned 53 last week so I know where you are coming from, but I want to assure you that this fear is unfounded.

 

I'll tell you upfront what you won't be able to accomplish as a 51 year old -

 

Assuming you are not a George Clooney look alike and assuming you are not a multi millionaire Hollywood producer, you likely will not get a beautiful, hard-bodied 21 year old that has never been married and has not had any children.

 

That is really about the only thing that you will not be able to get as far as love interests.

 

Assuming you aren't morbidly obese and assuming you are clean, groomed and aren't disfigured and assuming you are gainfully employed and self-supporting, you will have no trouble in finding women to date, hook up with, share walks on the beach and travel with and just sit around ordering pizza and watching a movie with.

 

The world is full of eligible single women and in a matter of time, one will quickly rise to the top and become that "special" someone.

 

They won't be early 20s and who will want to start a family of their own. They will be 30+ years old and likely have been married or have children of their own or will be a mature woman who has chosen not to have children as a lifestyle choice.

 

But at your stage in life, starting another family and having more children is probably the last thing on your mind and your list of things to do, so it will be A-OK to not mess with any young, childless thingys that will want to have babies.

 

The world is darn near full of divorced and single 35+ year old women.

 

At your stage in life, if you are sober, gainfully employed and self-supporting, no criminal record, don't smell like an ashtray and have nicotine-stained teeth and yellow beard with food crumbs in it and aren't 300 lbs with a gut hanging over your junk, YOU ARE A FINE CATCH and adult women that know what a good man is will be clawing each other's eyes out over you.

 

It's a different world at our age for men and women than it was when we were all in our 20s looking for a mate to have a home and family with.

 

Assuming you aren't grossly overweight and slovenly or unemployed, the challenge won't be finding someone special. the challenge will be picking out which one is most special.