BaileyB Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 This is NOT showing her to 'give up' on relationships. This is showing her that one does not tolerate being mistreated, disrespected and cheated on. Relationships that involve maltreatment, disrespect and infidelity are healthy relationships and should not be maintained or tolerated. This will demonstrate to her that people have the basic human right to be treated fairly and properly and if that does not occur, they should walk. There is a huge, fundamental difference between leaving a relationship just because someone squeezes the wrong end of the toothpaste vs being cheated on, lied to, disrespected and mistreated. As a father, you want her to learn to drop the microphone and exit stage-left the moment she is mistreated. That is not abandoning relationships. That not allowing oneself to be mistreated and used and manipulated by predatorial people that will use, manipulate and mistreat her and that is one of the most important things a father can teach his daughter. You are doing the right thing here. Requoted for you to read this, one more time. Be honest, but don't attack her mother. Regardless of how your wife has treated you, this woman is still her mother. However, the most important thing a father can teach his daughter is that she should expect to be treated with love and respect by any man in her life. Your wife has not offered that to you. By leaving the relationship, you are giving her the most powerful example of how important it is never to stay or settle for a relationship where you are not treated with kindness, respect, and mutual affection. As hard as it is for your daughter, it is a powerful lesson you are teaching her right now. Stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Yeah I just want to second what Oldshirt said regarding getting lawyer. Before you go selling assets and kicking your wife out you need to find out what your legal obligations to her are going to be. Your wife is having an affair with your son's friend? That is laughable. You have the upper hand here. The boy is not going to stay infatuated with a woman old enough to be his mother forever. Soon as another woman catches his eye he will dump your wife like yesterday's news. Neither he or your wife can even support themselves, much less do anything for each other. They are pathetic. Your wife doesn't love you, the only reason she suddenly wants to work things out is because she knows her life is going to change for the worse if she is forced to take responsibility for herself and own her choices. Don't fall for any manipulative crocodile tears or fake expressions of remorse. Do gather up any proof you have of the affair and do find a lawyer. Also encourage your wife to get employed ASAP as her working will be to your favor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Your wife doesn't love you, the only reason she suddenly wants to work things out is because she knows her life is going to change for the worse if she is forced to take responsibility for herself and own her choices. Don't fall for any manipulative crocodile tears or fake expressions of remorse. Do gather up any proof you have of the affair and do find a lawyer. Also encourage your wife to get employed ASAP as her working will be to your favor. Yes. What she is trying to "work out" is a roof over her head and food in her belly. She is simply trying to stay sheltered and fed until she can either get a job to support herself or find another man that will support her. Either way she will just be a trail of dust going over the horizon once she finds either of those things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DDTA Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 At your stage in life, if you are sober, gainfully employed and self-supporting, no criminal record, don't smell like an ashtray and have nicotine-stained teeth and yellow beard with food crumbs in it and aren't 300 lbs with a gut hanging over your junk, YOU ARE A FINE CATCH and adult women that know what a good man is will be clawing each other's eyes out over you. heartbroken2017, what old shirt says up there ^^^^^^^ is so VERY true. One of my biggest fears early after discovering my XW's affair was "who would want to date a single dad in his 40's?" Apparently MANY single women would, in large part because of what oldshirt describes right up there. I would add having your own place to live and a hobby or two to enjoy on that list then doing all the above with an attitude of confidence and happiness with no expectations and your problem won't be IF you ever meet another woman but WHICH one if the many to spend more time and energy with. It doesn't matter if you are in your 40s, 50s, 60, he'll even 70s you WILL attract someone. I tell you, if men knew this with certainty like us men who did choose divorce do now, there would probably be a lot less men stuck in limbo. Heck, some if us may look at it as a chance to upgrade to a better woman! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 A few months ago she told me that if the tables were turned she would've left in a heartbeat. That she can't believe I've tried so hard and that she will work on us. Now all I get is "As soon I get a job I'm leaving" I know I should just end this but I'm 51 years old and how hard will it be for me to find someone special again? It's not hard to find someone special. Your wife isn't special anyway - she's betrayed you in the worst way possible - nothing special about a liar and a cheat. Why would you think 'that' makes her special? You can do much better - chop chop - time's a wasting. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Yes. What she is trying to "work out" is a roof over her head and food in her belly. She is simply trying to stay sheltered and fed until she can either get a job to support herself or find another man that will support her. Either way she will just be a trail of dust going over the horizon once she finds either of those things. Yep! I will use him as long as he allows it. Stop allowing it. Make HER move! Stop giving HER options! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 I've been working through it. Long tough weekend but feel better this week than I did last week. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 No matter what it will get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 I know it will but it's still agony. I miss our live together. I know I have to be strong and persevere but it's so hard. It's just so unbelievable how she's the one who screwed me over and now trying to make me feel like it's all my fault. I feel like less of a man. Frustrating to no end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Why is it so hard for me to give up and walk away when it was so easy for her. I know it's the right thing to do. I am treated like such a stranger in my own home. Sorry for the rambling. Just have no one to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
DDTA Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Detachment is hard and feelings of emasculation are par for the course for men in these situations. Blame shifting is typical from the wayward because if they actually had a sense to take responsibility to fix anything it would be to first sit down with their spouse and really tell them how they feel instead of trying to fix their situation with a third person in the relationship. Yes, you miss that old life, that old wife, but sometimes we come to see that what were in love with all along was but an image rather than the reality. She may have been this kind of person all along struggling to maintain appearances until finally reaching a cracking point and all hell breaks loose. What definitely has happened is the sh#t has hit the fan. All you can do is see where it flings from there and navigate your way around it and out of infidelity as much as you can. Her path from here on out may seem easy but it is also cheap. In the end her fantasy will evaporate as it becomes more and more evident that reality just cannot support their affair. Your path takes more work, patience and integrity but will pay off in the end. Trust me on this. Right now you may feel like you are in the the thick of the forest in this mess but the further you detach and remove yourself from the situation you will begin to see the forest and realize your situation and your fears can be overcome. Hang in there. I've never read or heard of anyone getting out of infidelity overnight. Many of us have been where you were before and many of us are here on the other side, either divorced or reconciled, and we have all survived. You will be ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Thank You. I appreciate the insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 Ok so I'm having a rough night. Tried to talk to her but turned into a huge argument. I want the strength to just walk away and let her see how hard life will be. None of this is worth the pain and suffering. I don't wish any Ill will on anybody but I hope she regrets what she's doing. Sorry for the rambling just needed to vent a little. Good days and bad days I know. This just happens to be a bad day. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 IN your heart you see her as the wife who could never have done this. Until you accept the reality of where you are and who put you there you'll linger in this state. Takes time. Apparently she's nowhere near regret not to mention remourse. You'd better learn that you can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself. If you chase them they move farther away. You need to maintain a hard 180 - no contact. Take time with your kids, family, friends, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 You should check on IC for yourself. It's not normal for someone to put up with abuse like you've suffered for 11 months. It'll give you someone to listen and help. Your insurance may cover that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 I was not going to post anything... but I just can't help myself. Listen, I understand that you are hurting, I totally get that. I have been there and for stuff way worse that an affair, although she did that too. You love your wife, I actually still love mine, but I had to take that love, put it away in a little box, and it never gets to see the light of day, ever again. Understand, that you can never make someone love you, you just can't. She choose to cheat, and you have to get her out of your life. She does not love you if she ever did. She is just treating you like some kind of dog. No man should allow this stuff to be in his life. It hurts really bad right now, and it will for a while. But let me tell you what is out there waiting for you after you heal from the divorce. Men our age are just a hot commodity in every way. Hit the gym a little, buy new cloths and get out there. AND DO NOT GET MARRIED... When you are ready, just date. I have literally a never ending choice of women chasing me daily. At work, which I do not partake of because I already have one GF from there. At all the clubs that I play at, which I partake heavy of, social events, whatever. Hell I met a pretty single woman my age in the elevator and I am taking her out next week. She does not work there. What I am saying is that you literally have to pick and choose which ones you want to actual see because you will have so many choices. Trust me, when you heal up form this, life is just a dream... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Why is it so hard for me to give up and walk away when it was so easy for her. I know it's the right thing to do. I am treated like such a stranger in my own home. Sorry for the rambling. Just have no one to talk to. Walk away? I wouldn't see it as YOU walking away - more like understanding that marriage is for two people. You can't do it by yourself and you can't do it with three people in the marriage. It's more a matter of accepting and admiring that you're in it alone - and that's not a marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 She wants a divorce. She wants you to pay her way. She wants you to be her chump/doormat. Stop doing it that way. You've handed her way too much of YOUR power. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Ok so I'm having a rough night. Tried to talk to her but turned into a huge argument. I want the strength to just walk away and let her see how hard life will be. None of this is worth the pain and suffering. I don't wish any Ill will on anybody but I hope she regrets what she's doing. Sorry for the rambling just needed to vent a little. Good days and bad days I know. This just happens to be a bad day. STOP! Stop talking to her! She is not listening. The more you chase, the more she will run. File for divorce, move on with your life and let her see you doing it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 You doing better? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 At this point I don't want to reconcile. I'm ready to move on. No person should have had to endure what I went through. The last week has been much better for me. I'm finally seeing her for what she really is. God help the next poor guy she screws over. Print this out and tape it to the mirror of your bathroom so you can read these bolded words every morning when you shave. Friend, other then the fact that she is the mother of your children there is nothing special about this woman, she was banging your son's friend(can't even respect your own son, think about what he is going through) because of your kindness this damaged young man had a roof over his head. She took advantage of the situation and destroyed her family for some selfish temporary joy. Who want's someone like her watching their backs? She's a great mother but not worth the sweat off your b---'s as a wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 Thank you for the replys. A better weekend. Was able to spend time alone and away. Everyday is a little better. I know this is going to be a long slow process full of ups and downs. Feel like the last 11 months have been a blur. I pray the next few months will be more healing. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Thank you for the replys. A better weekend. Was able to spend time alone and away. Everyday is a little better. I know this is going to be a long slow process full of ups and downs. Feel like the last 11 months have been a blur. I pray the next few months will be more healing. It will be more healing when you stop handing her all your power. Practice getting things more balanced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken2017 Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 Talked to Attorney on Friday. I am afraid I'm a little screwed. Wife has not worked in over 10 years and even then it was only part time. She has always said said she wanted to be a stay at home wife. She says She has been trying to find a job now but no one interested in hiring a person in their 40's without experience or education. She's telling me now that she just wants to slow down and decide what she wants to do. I've asked Attorney to draw up the divorce as a non-contested and present them to her. After reading these post for several days it's apparent that there are a lot of people who have gone through the same thing as me and have had some of the same feelings as I have. I thought that I was the bad person, not trying hard enough, not giving enough, etc... I feel so stupid that it has gone on this long and I did nothing to stop it except beg her to come back to me. What a fool I've been. She has done nothing but shove it back in my face. After 24 years together now she says I've neglected her. Total bull crap. I've loved her since day one and we have always had a great marriage. I know the best thing for me is to just walk way which I am trying to arrange now. She can't afford to live on her own and I am afraid that I will get hosed in the divorce. She says she will sign a non-contested divorce that all she wants is her car and ask if I will help her pay for it. I want to just shove her out the door with no where to go but I just can't. I feel this is coming to a conclusion and even though I know it's going to end in divorce it's not what I want. (I still love her madly and would do anything for her) I don't really have a choice. It has to happen now. I know or at least I feel like the OM is out of the picture now the damage is done. I want my sanity back and this is the only way. I still hurt every day and Love her but she has zero remorse for what she has done and to this day blames it on me. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 It's going to be tough but you'll get through it. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it's right for you to be with them. Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship, let alone a marriage affected by infidelity with a remorseless spouse. How you're feeling is completely normal, just like loving your wife even after all she's done is. If people could flip their love off like a switch when they got cheated on, infidelity wouldn't be an issue for anyone at all. Just keep doing what you're doing and keep contact with your stbxw at a minimum. The only thing you guys should be talking about are the divorce, finances, I guess the car and nothing besides that. Everything you both could have possibly said has been said. Start focusing on yourself and start detaching from your wife. Start the 180 if you haven't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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