Wife wants Divorce after 21 years

[S2B]

Amazing how things can get twisted. My wife has convinced my daughter that it's normal for someone married for 21 years to just walk away. Cheat and lie for a year while telling the spouse you'll try to work it out, unbelievable. She's convinced her that nothing last forever and it's not a big deal. I feel so sad for my Daughter because withbthat belief system she will struggle in her own relationships as she gets older. My son will not talk his mom at all. He said he still loves her but she betrayed us and lied about it for a year and he wants nothing to do with her now. I just reminded him that she is his mother and will always be no matter what mistakes she is making now.

 

It's still really hard but I'm holding up pretty good. Trying to stay busy and focus on the kids and myself.

 

You need to get help!

 

You are showing an example to your kids that when you are abused you just take it...and stay to receive more abuse! Stop it!

 

Learn how to have self respect, boundaries and how to be a strong MAN who sets a great example for his kids!

 

Get busy learning how to do that! If not for yourself - for your kids!

[DDTA]

My wife has convinced my daughter that it's normal for someone married for 21 years to just walk away.

 

Ahhhh...the "walk away wife" syndrome! Google that up, heartbroken2017. There is a psychology today article online about it. I think that is going to be quite eye opening for you. You should show your daughter the article as well to counter your wife's wayward thinking.

[heartbroken2017]

Thank You, that is an insightful article. She's determined to get away and unfortunately she don't have the financial resources to do so since she has no job and my income barely supports the family as it is.

 

For so long I wanted her back so bad I could eat or sleep. I'm better Now with My Sons support. He's been a huge help through this. We went months where she would confess her love for me and wanting to stay together but it was all a sham. It appears she has had this agenda for a while and her affair with our Sons friend just gave her the courage. We seemed to be on a better path until recently I found out they were seeing each other again.

 

All of the pain, sorrow and even guilt came crashing back into me. I know I need to end all of this with her. I am trying to do just that. We are meeting next week to go over details for the divorce. So far it's amicable but who knows how long that will last. She told me she wanted me to have custody of our 17 year old daughter because she wants to be completely on her own. Our daughter took that as she was a piece of property to be fought over. I tried to explain that it was not my decision and I am completely ok with her deciding who to stay with. But her mom said she wanted to be alone not me.

 

No my wife's misguided notions are clouding my daughters head as well. They are thinking now that my daughter can get a job to help her. Unbelievable she would ask our daughter for this. We are moving forward with the plan to end this but I hate my daughter is being played.

[BaileyB]

That is a terrible thing to expect of your daughter.

 

I know that it is hard times for you too, but I do hope you are able to support your daughter through this experience such that she will know the love and strength of one parent who can show her the way...

 

If you can get her some more support through counselling, that may be very helpful too. Best wishes.

[Cephalopod]

Your WW is a special kind of slime. Some people just completely go to heck in a handbasket for seemingly no reason whatsoever.

 

You need to man up. I'm sorry for saying that cliche phrase, but in your case it is pertinent. Your kids are looking to you for strength and leadership and you have dropped the ball badly my friend. Take charge of this divorce and ask your WW to leave. Tell her she needs to go and stop causing suffering to everyone around her. Her very presence is killing what is left of the bonds between you and your kids. Cut the tumor out now before it takes over the whole body.

[DDTA]

The thing you should key in on in that article I mentioned is this -

 

It is said that people don’t change until they hit rock bottom and I can tell you first hand that the bottom doesn’t get any lower than the earth beneath these men’s feet. The threat of divorce generates true soul-searching. These are the men who readily schedule appointments for therapy, sign up for marriage seminars, read every self-help book they can get their hands on, seek spiritual connection and even risk vulnerability by discussing the f-word (feelings) with friends and family. Gradually, they become the husbands these women have been wanting.

 

But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless, tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands.

 

My 2nd wife will vouch for this part -

 

They typically make great second husbands.

 

Now that also means the men come out a better person for themselves IF they choose to do this work.

 

That is what I chose in my past situation. I did that whole scheduling therapy appointements, read self-help books and online materials, attended relationship seminars as mentioned in that article. I also started excercising more and watching my diet, grew a beard and changed out my wardrobe. Did the hobbies I always wanted to do. Socialized more. Took more risks than I normally would. I essentially became the guy I thought I would be had I NOT gotten married the first time. Six months into the phyical separation I realized I really didn't need my wife at all to live a good life. I also realized my kids would be fine as long as one of the parents was the stable, loving, reassuring, one with a plan for the future. I chose to be that parent. I let go of the outcome of my situation and just decided I want to be happy again for me and my two boys, and most of all to move forward. I strongly suggest you do the same but do it for you, not FOR your wife and not with any expectations you will end up with her again or even another woman. Do it to show your kids that you can be happy on your own. Show them that happiness does not come from other people or being with other people. Prove to yourself and show them that you should be with someone as a matter of "choice" instead of a matter of "need". My XW definitely noticed my changes. That knowledge I gleened from those self-help books on relationships and communication? I used it to strengthen my relationship and my bond with my kids. That really paid off because they learned those same lessons from me, especially communication. I learned to be a better listener and as a result they felt more comfortable being about to communicate to me thier fears, frustrations, anger, hope over the situation with me and in turn their own IC. They learend to communicate with each other in better ways. I have a great relationship with my kids now.

 

Yes, my first wife noticed all this change. But I noticed something as well and that was my first wife wasn't changing, at all. As I grew out of my situation to be a better man I see my first wife more and more clear for who she really was and I became disgusted with her absolutel selfishness. I realized that she simply played a "role" this whole time. She was never true to me, the kids, and most of all herself. Then came the discovery of what prompted her "Walk out wife" routine in the first place, that she had been having an affair for 6 months leading up to my Dday. I told my first wife from the time we were dating that an affair to me was an absolute deal breaker. When I found out about the affair it was like the last link I had with her was severed and I felt immense relief to know that I can really move forward without this doubt of hanging over my head asking myself "did I really do all I could to save this marraige?" It didn't matter to me anymore since she not only stomped the hell out of our marraige with the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bull$h#t speech, but lit it on fire with her curiousity for some "strange". My reasoning for an affair being the ultimate deal breaker is because if someone who claims to love you can go so far as to have it in them to betray you, what is to say they won't betray any other person they love, including their own children? Reading that your wife has already gone as far as to plan having your daughter earn a living to support her mother's lifestyle of boinking her boy toy pretty much proves that.

 

 

Get with your attorney and have a plan, heartbroken2017. Get your ducks in a row. Put some milestones in you progress so that you don't delay your journey out of infidelity. Read up on the 180 and detach from your cheating wife. Let your kids support you and cheer lead you. For as long as you allow your wife to tell you that she "wants to stay together" yada, yada, yada, she will keep trying to hoover you back into the role of the back burner husband, the Plan B. Real and impacting change starts with you. Your new beginning will remain on hold for as long as you keep holding on to the old marriage. I know letting go is the scariest thing to do because of all the uncertainty, but there are many of us betrayed spouses that moved on to a better life once we let go of the old. Some of them had their former cheating spouses return to be better people and they reconciled. Some found a better person to spend the rest of their days with. Some decided to spend their days on their own without a partner. The absolute worst outcome in all of this is to remain in limbo.

[aliveagain]

Please get your daughter into counselling, she's getting horrible advice from someone that makes horrible decisions. Your soon to be ex will be one of those lonely ladies with a synthetic face, boobs and living with 80 cats. Focus your anger where it belongs, on your soon to be ex wife(STBXW). Make sure she understands you will not be her friend when she is out of your home. She's looking like a fool to the rest of the world and I feel for your son and your daughter, the humiliation they must feel that their mother is banging their friend. Cut her off your credit cards, let her fend for herself. Yes you will take a hit on your equity when you divorce but trust me, it's worth the money to get someone this broken out of your life. She will go ape sh*t when she hears that your dating. Read the 180 and use it to distance yourself from her.

[Try]

She's convinced her that nothing last forever

Living the way that your wife is now living, for your wife it will be true that "nothing last forever". Her actions of living in the here and now without regard for anyone but herself, makes this a self fulfilling prophecy. Going forward, the other man (OM) and your wife will eventually break up. This is because statistically relationships founded in affairs almost never last long term; with the age difference adding to this likelihood.

 

Also, for whatever reason, as women get older, their odds of finding a mate greatly decreases with age, while as men get older the odds of finding a mate dramatically increase. Many of my friends were shocked at how many women came out of the woodwork to pursue them after a divorce, often times being his wife's single friends and women that would not have looked at him before. The bottom line is that in all likelihood your wife will live out her later years unmarried and alone, while odds are you will live out your later years married to a woman that is thankful to have you in her life. For the sake of others, please remember to check back with us on this thread in a few years and tell us just how true this prediction was; hopefully you will be telling us how ending this marriage was the best thing that you could have done. The sky is not falling and things will get better. Be well and good luck.

Edited March 11, 2017 by Try

[DDTA]

The bottom line is that in all likelihood your wife will live out her later years unmarried and alone,

 

This definitely is the case with my XW. She's no longer in the affair with the OM but has pathetically moved into the same apartment complex he lives after his own divorce. She cooks and babysit his kids for him while dates other women. It's as if my XW has accepted being in a cuckold type role. She has NOT tried dating anyone else since our divorce.

 

It is very true that women will come out of the woodwork when they find out you are available AND understand the circumstances of the divorce. Why? One big reason is that your are a proven experienced loyal husband, the kind of man they want to settle down with. My 2nd wife is 10yrs younger than me and is the type of woman I had told myself when I was younger "Nah...she wouldn't go out on a date with me!" Now I know not only would she date me but also marry me. My 2nd marriage is so much better because it is with the right woman. So don't fear letting go. It isn't a dead end after Divorce, but a new chapter, a new path, a new beginning.

[S2B]

Thank You, that is an insightful article. She's determined to get away and unfortunately she don't have the financial resources to do so since she has no job and my income barely supports the family as it is.

 

For so long I wanted her back so bad I could eat or sleep. I'm better Now with My Sons support. He's been a huge help through this. We went months where she would confess her love for me and wanting to stay together but it was all a sham. It appears she has had this agenda for a while and her affair with our Sons friend just gave her the courage. We seemed to be on a better path until recently I found out they were seeing each other again.

 

All of the pain, sorrow and even guilt came crashing back into me. I know I need to end all of this with her. I am trying to do just that. We are meeting next week to go over details for the divorce. So far it's amicable but who knows how long that will last. She told me she wanted me to have custody of our 17 year old daughter because she wants to be completely on her own. Our daughter took that as she was a piece of property to be fought over. I tried to explain that it was not my decision and I am completely ok with her deciding who to stay with. But her mom said she wanted to be alone not me.

 

No my wife's misguided notions are clouding my daughters head as well. They are thinking now that my daughter can get a job to help her. Unbelievable she would ask our daughter for this. We are moving forward with the plan to end this but I hate my daughter is being played.

 

Get full custody of your daughter.

 

Stop giving your wife ANY money or even access to money.

 

Force your wife to get a job!

 

It's dispicable that your scummy wife would screw around with your sons friend! Also asking your daughter to work while she doesn't work is terrible.

 

Make life difficult for her! And divorce her asap.

[heartbroken2017]

She's telling me a bunch of lies now. "We're only friends, it don't mean anything". I'm working on the divorce stuff now. She just spent 8 days in Florida visiting family and when she arrived back in town tonight. She went straight to OM. Didn't even come home to see here own kids. How screwed up is that? None of us deserve this crap.

[BaileyB]

She's telling me a bunch of lies now. "We're only friends, it don't mean anything". I'm working on the divorce stuff now. She just spent 8 days in Florida visiting family and when she arrived back in town tonight. She went straight to OM. Didn't even come home to see here own kids. How screwed up is that? None of us deserve this crap.

 

No, you definitely don't deserve this. It's good that you are continuing to take the steps you need to take to find some stability for your children. Best wishes.

[Marc878]

She's telling me a bunch of lies now. "We're only friends, it don't mean anything". I'm working on the divorce stuff now. She just spent 8 days in Florida visiting family and when she arrived back in town tonight. She went straight to OM. Didn't even come home to see here own kids. How screwed up is that? None of us deserve this crap.

 

Use this to help your daughter to see who she really is. It's for her own good.

 

Hard 180!!!!!! It's your new friend. Better let go now

[Cephalopod]

Damn, how old is your wife?

[heartbroken2017]

She's 45. Unbelievable. She thinks she's a teenager again. She's going to crash hard.

[Marc878]

Full speed ahead. Get out of infidelity. She's shown you who she is. If you're smart you'll believe her.

[Marc878]

She's telling me a bunch of lies now. "We're only friends, it don't mean anything". I'm working on the divorce stuff now. She just spent 8 days in Florida visiting family and when she arrived back in town tonight. She went straight to OM. Didn't even come home to see here own kids. How screwed up is that? None of us deserve this crap.

 

Her methods have worked on you in the past. That's probably why you are where you are now. You can't undo that but learn from it and never go back if you want to have a life and future.

[heartbroken2017]

I'm full steam ahead. I need this over. Nothing worse than then what she is doing.

[S2B]

Who paid for her 8 day trip to Florida?

 

Who took care of your kids while she was away?

[heartbroken2017]

Her mom paid for her trip. Airfare. She stayed at her moms Condo. As usual I took care of my daughter while she was away.

[S2B]

Her mom paid for her trip. Airfare. She stayed at her moms Condo. As usual I took care of my daughter while she was away.

 

Can you see who enables your wife to be irresponsible?

 

Why doesn't she work?

[heartbroken2017]

Over the past several years she has not had to work. I made a great living and she wanted to stay home with the kids. I encouraged her to work because she was always happier when she did. Had more friends to socialize with, etc..

 

I had asked her to get a job a few years ago when I changed jobs and lost income. So she could help out with the living and other expenses. She said she would be never got past the I think I'll put some applications in phase.

 

She never really got serious or so I thought until this past year. But she still has not found one. I don't even know if she's applied anywhere either.

 

So who enabled her? I was say I have by thinking that my place in the family was to provide and give my wife the support she needed to run the household.

 

But that's all came crashing down this past year. She virtually quit any of the work in the house and quit on our marriage. I have always admitted that I could do more to help. I was working 60 to 70 hrs a week and still coming home to help with laundry, dishes, homework, etc.. I think in a way I've done too much.

 

When my work got stressful I was unable to give her the attention she needed thus she basically walked away from our marriage and then had the affair with our Sons friend. I can look back and say I've done some harm in the relationship but I can't in anyway shape or form see how I deserved this. A nonstop barrage of things like, You can't even put the dishes away correctly or why did you dry that shirt. It didn't matter whatever I did it was wrong.

 

So here I am trying to navigate my way around a divorce as quickly and uneventful as I can.

[mikeylo]

No matter how hard you try, she will not make divorce easy. She has a lot to lose. Its not that you wont get one, but it will be emotionally draining.Especially when they feel that they losing control over you and your life, things get nasty.

 

You may need a therapist to help you through it.

[BaileyB]

Over the past several years she has not had to work. I made a great living and she wanted to stay home with the kids. I encouraged her to work because she was always happier when she did. Had more friends to socialize with, etc..

 

I had asked her to get a job a few years ago when I changed jobs and lost income. So she could help out with the living and other expenses. She said she would be never got past the I think I'll put some applications in phase.

 

She never really got serious or so I thought until this past year. But she still has not found one. I don't even know if she's applied anywhere either.

 

So who enabled her? I was say I have by thinking that my place in the family was to provide and give my wife the support she needed to run the household.

 

But that's all came crashing down this past year. She virtually quit any of the work in the house and quit on our marriage. I have always admitted that I could do more to help. I was working 60 to 70 hrs a week and still coming home to help with laundry, dishes, homework, etc.. I think in a way I've done too much.

 

When my work got stressful I was unable to give her the attention she needed thus she basically walked away from our marriage and then had the affair with our Sons friend. I can look back and say I've done some harm in the relationship but I can't in anyway shape or form see how I deserved this. A nonstop barrage of things like, You can't even put the dishes away correctly or why did you dry that shirt. It didn't matter whatever I did it was wrong.

 

So here I am trying to navigate my way around a divorce as quickly and uneventful as I can.

 

To be fair, many couples make the decision that the husband will work and the wife will care for the home and children. It sounds like your wife has decided not to hold up her end of the bargain... Both when you lost your job and needed an extra income, and more recently with the parenting and chores around the home.

 

And clearly, her mother is enabling her if she is paying for plane tickets and providing a free place to stay while enjoying a little visit and holiday together.

 

Your wife is going to have to deal with a different, and very harsh reality soon.

[heartbroken2017]

I think she will face a hard reality pretty soon