sylviaplath Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I have a friend from work, a married man who has been a great mentor and guide to me, and a good friend. Nothing between us is sexual, and his wife knows about me and that we are friends. We usually go out for lunch from work, and sometimes for dinner. I keep questioning being alone with him at night, and try as much as possible to avoid spending time with him at night. He keeps inviting me over to his house (right now he lives alone, in a 2 bedroom apartment) and I always turn his suggestions down, despite repeated persuasion. I even straight up tell him straight up that I do not feel it appropriate. Now, the beginning of this weekend, he asked me once again to come over. This time I gave in, and then he proceeded to make plans for a weekend trip. I clearly expressed my concern, saying I did not want to go on something that involved a stay in a hotel. I guess my voice of concern was just not loud enough. We ended up sharing a bed. In the middle of the night, he inched closer to me, put his hand on me and I tried shrugging it off, even suggesting I would sleep on the couch, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. Finally, I fell into temptation and ended up making out with him. I feel terrible. I take complete responsibility for putting myself in this situation, but I also wonder why I went wrong. I am always conscious of doing something that would lead to an amoral situation, but this time, I seem to have slipped really hard. It would be unfair for me to ask for sympathy, but any words would help. Trust me when I say I cannot express enough how guilty I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Yep, your right to feel this way. Cut it off cold. Be blunt and ask if he will divorce his wife for you. Ask him does he want children with you? Ask him will the company will allow the two of you to remain there if you marry. If that does not work ask him to call his wife, put it on speaker phone and discuss if she is willing to accept an open relationship. Get and read "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass it is one of the books which has become a gold standard since being published. W Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 This guy is a creep who is chasing you while you tell him "no" over and over. Gross. It sounds a little rapey, or alternatively that you view yourself as a heroine in a romance novel...."pleas of no, but then falling into temptation, etc". Stop doing things outside work with him, period. He's a predator. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 He is NOT your good friend, guide and mentor, he is a horny guy hell bent on cheating on his wife with you. He essentially groomed you and now you have ended up in bed with him... Unless you really want to be his OW, then time to end this charade. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Sounds very similar to my situation. Groomed slowly for months and then I was assaulted. Even then it took a while to get out of it and the demands were getting more extreme. Stay far, far away and don't ever be alone with him. Link to post Share on other sites
cloche Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Welcome to LS, Sylvia. You write about feeling guilty - temptation; morality; knowing this is wrong; and so on - as if you anticipate getting hammered here by the upright citizens of LS. But your question: "I also wonder why I went wrong" is an important one too, and you may not find the answer if you focus exclusively on agonizing over the morality of your actions and of how you have been Bad. I'd like to suggest that you put this good-bad thinking aside for just a moment, and allow yourself to asses your situation from another important of view too: Is this relationship heading anywhere good for you? My point is that it almost certainly is not. Morality aside, you are heading for a world of hurt, the extent of which you can barely comprehend at this point. Just a read a few threads chosen at random from this forum - those, say, by jennifernyc, poppy, or midnightblue - to get a sense of the fun you can look forward to if you proceed further with this man. Then think about why you are attracted to him, and why, in a sense, you are implicitly inviting him to break down your resolve. Welcome again, and do keep posting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Where you went wrong was when you didn't end the "friendship" immediately after the first time you felt something was inappropriate, which was evidently a long time before you ended up in bed with him. A friend would have respected you and your boundaries and wouldn't have continued pushing for more. He does sound like a creep. That being said, you are responsible for allowing his behaviour to continue, the fact he is married and not separated but lives alone should have told you something. You aren't the first person he has done this with and you won't be the last. I'm sure the next conquest of his will be his "friend" and he her "mentor" too. Classic words of a woman who is being coerced into being a cheaters plaything. Get some respect for yourself and stop all contact with him immediately, otherwise it will turn into a full blown affair and months down the line you will be even more miserable and as soon as he is done with you, you won't see him or his "friendship" for dust anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 This isn't friendship. A true friend doesn't do this. You tried to set healthy boundaries and he ignored your boundaries. This is extremely disrespectful and unacceptable. You have to ask yourself why you couldn't be more assertive in standing up for the boundaries you tired to set. And you need to make sure that you are never in a position where this man can push your boundaries again... because he may not stop next time. In the words of Nancy Reagan, next time he asks you for dinner - just say NO! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I don't understand how you ended up in the same bed as a married man, if you truly had no intention of anything more. How old are you? I also don't understand him inviting you to his home and his wife not being there. Don't they share a house? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Ok, I'm not one to talk, trust me on that. But what did you think was going to happen sleeping in bed with a married man who is clearly attracted to you? Why didn't you sleep on the couch to begin with? Further more, why would you go on a trip with him in the first place? Just cut off this "friendship" before you do something that you will really regret. Again, no judgement at all, I promise. Just trying to be helpful. I've done some dumb things too, to say the absolute least. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I'm going to be straight up. You're blaming this all on him and it's YOU who has the power but you don't follow through. You don't feel bad. If you felt bad you wouldn't have done this. You don't feel ok going out with him at night but you do anyway You don't feel ok going to his apartment but you do anyway You don't want to go away for a weekend because it's inappropriate but you do it anyway While sharing a bed he tries to get closer and it makes you uncomfortable but you do it anyway. You feel bad about making out with him but you do it anyway. You throw out pretend "oh no let me sleep on the couch". "Oh no this isn't appropriate". Etc but it means nothing because you do it all anyway. If you really feel bad, actually don't do do the things you say you're not going to do. Or be honest with yourself about being the type of woman who either doesn't care about other men's wives or was abused enough in the past that she doesn't know how to put her foot down and mean it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 You made a big mistake by doing this but the good news is, today is a new day and you CAN make a choice NOT to let it happen again. This MM is no true or real friend, if he was, this wouldn't have happened. Obviously there were lines crossed before this incident, whether it was flirting or inappropriate chats. You have feelings for him and he's attracted to you. Say goodbye to him. And don't try to be 'friends' you can't go back, the damage has been done. You have the power NOW to say not again. Keep your distance. Don't befriend married guys unless it's totally platonic with no sexual feelings or emotional attachments and then if a friendship happens, you involve wives (meaning friends to them both and aren't a threat to the marriage). Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 (edited) Ok, I'm not one to talk, trust me on that. But what did you think was going to happen sleeping in bed with a married man who is clearly attracted to you? Why didn't you sleep on the couch to begin with? Further more, why would you go on a trip with him in the first place? Just cut off this "friendship" before you do something that you will really regret. Again, no judgement at all, I promise. Just trying to be helpful. I've done some dumb things too, to say the absolute least. ^^ this Also, you're playing a dangerous game with yourself. I'll look but I won't touch. Ok, I'll touch but I won't taste. Ok, maybe I'll taste, but I won't enjoy. Do you see where you're heading with this? Edited February 22, 2017 by BuddyX Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts