havetogo Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 My husband has a very good salary. I happen to to make 30K more than him. We have kept our money seperate due to the fact that we have had a lot of serious relationship issues in the past but our relationship has progressed to a healthier place and we are buying a house and have a child on the way. Even though our money was seperate I've always paid a higher percentage of the bills in proportion to how much more money I make. So we finally decided to combine finances given the house and the baby. We decided that we will put all of our money in a joint account and give ourselves an equal allowance to buy what we want, no questions asked. The problem is overtime. Sometimes my husband's job has him work overtime but my job never does. My husband always has kept his overtime money for himself and never contributed any of it to our bills. Now I want him to add his overtime to the pot since I am putting all my money in the pot. He says he is willing to do that only when there is something he doesn't want to buy for himself at the moment. I thinks it's selfish because when he works overtime, that affects the whole household especially with a new baby, so why should he be the only one to profit? Also, because I'm willing to put ALL my money in the joint pot and he is benefitting from that, I should benefit from his overtime. Also I believe in a marriage, a gain for one spouse, should be a gain for the couple. Like "what's mine is yours". What do you think? Is he being selfish or is it me? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 My parents both worked OT so they each kept their OT. Combining money is hard in a marriage. DH & I both put the money in a joint account. Anybody can spend up to a certain amount without asking. Over that it's a joint decision. Especially with the baby I think you are right but you can't just make your husband fork it over. He has to want to participate. Can you get him to agree to give part of the OT? Talk about your child's needs but if you aren't struggling without the OT is this really the disagreement you want to end your marriage over? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Rather than focus on right or wrong, I'd be getting to the core of why he's making this stance. I suspect he fears that he won't have enough spending money available if he wants to buy something for himself. Or perhaps he doesn't want to have to ask 'permission' to buy himself something which costs more than what his allowance is. Also, what percentage of your combined income does his OT represent? If it's substantial, then his fears need to be further discussed and find solutions where he feels more comfortable. But if it's not a substantial contribution, then I would say that while I clearly see your side, it's probably not a battle worth fighting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author havetogo Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 (edited) I didnt plan to end the marriage but I was going to forget the "combine our money" idea if he wasn't going to fully commit to it. I told him I can't make him contribute his overtime, but I wasn't going to commit my entire income to the joint account if he wasnt. I guess I can ask him to give part of it. Not sure if he will do it. And I'm also not sure if him just giving part of it would make me resentful. Im not sure whether we will be struggling given the new house and baby. But I do know, I will personally have less disposable income because we are combining our finances and he makes less money, so that's less disposable income for me and more disposable income for him. Edited February 21, 2017 by havetogo Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Present it to him that way. Emphasize equity rather than lauding it over him that you earn more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author havetogo Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 You are correct basil67. Those are his exact fears. He is worried he won't have enough money to buy what he wants or that he will have to ask my permission to buy something above our allowances. I think he already spends too much on electronics and expensive man toys. He can't pay off his credit card every month like I do. He doesn't budget for himself so I think he doesn't like the restriction of being put on a budget. But his credit card debt is getting higher and higher and I think he really needs to learn to live within his means. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 You are correct basil67. Those are his exact fears. He is worried he won't have enough money to buy what he wants or that he will have to ask my permission to buy something above our allowances. I think he already spends too much on electronics and expensive man toys. He can't pay off his credit card every month like I do. He doesn't budget for himself so I think he doesn't like the restriction of being put on a budget. But his credit card debt is getting higher and higher and I think he really needs to learn to live within his means. These are different problems. He has a problem with money & he isn't going to be happy if you try to control the purse strings. Do talk about your child's financial needs especially the obligation to save for college. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I agree that his spending is a different problem. And I would caution you to not combine your funds until his spending is addressed. When my hubby and I can't agree (in our case, it's how to parent a special needs child) we seek guidance from an expert. It's much easier to take on board what a third party expert says than what our partner says. Can you try and sell the idea of seeing a financial counselor with him? Talk about having a third party expert help the two of you find a good balance. When the counselor sees his spending habits, let them be the one to say what needs to be said. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 In highly developed service economies such as those found in today's first world countries, the division of labor between the sexes has completely lost meaning, except for the single purpose of raising small children. There are no men's or women's chores in a household any longer. Both men and women can cook and clean and are able to do all the chores that are normally done in a household. The problems caused by a joint household and sharing bills with a sex partner completely overshadow the benefits, the sole exception being bringing up children in which case the financial benefits in terms of housing costs become obvious and where the children benefit from growing up in a single home with a single set of rules. Fighting over money is probably the single most common destroyer of perfectly good sexual relationships. If one has no intention of ever having a child together with a lover, shacking up with them is probably the stupidest thing one can do in that relationship. OP and her husband have a baby coming, so they have to solve this. Basil67 has the right idea, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 What do you think? I think it's a red flag you're having trouble cooperating on something this basic with a child on the way. Wait until you start negotiating 4:00 am feedings. Make it simple - tally up his total earnings (overtime included) each month and both contribute the same amount. Since you'll have a surplus, invest it towards your child's education and future... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Overtime isn't guaranteed right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 No he isn't selfish with his earned money. Beyond the mortgage,utilities,foods,travel expenses...Sounds like you both are not starving or living paycheck to paycheck. Create the joint acct for the household bills. Each fairly contributing. The rest is kept separate. No..The yours is mine lifestyle left years ago...And rightly so. The together we can contribute to our household is the way to be. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 Since you're unsure about the new mortgage and new baby - sit your husband down and go through an extensive budget. Include spending money each month for both of you - if/when he really wants something for himself he can save for it if it's a more expensive item. Work as a team - instead of making it seem like everything is so separate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author havetogo Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Overtime isn't guaranteed right? No but he pretty much gets overtime money in every check. So yes he works overtime often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author havetogo Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 No he isn't selfish with his earned money. Beyond the mortgage,utilities,foods,travel expenses...Sounds like you both are not starving or living paycheck to paycheck. Create the joint acct for the household bills. Each fairly contributing. The rest is kept separate. No..The yours is mine lifestyle left years ago...And rightly so. The together we can contribute to our household is the way to be. Can you define what each fairly contributing means to you? Just curious for solutions. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I think you should rethink this. Pay a proportionate percentage of your salaries into the joint account and keep the rest of your income in your own account. Problem solved. I personally don't like anyone scrutinising my spending. Link to post Share on other sites
Author havetogo Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 I think you should rethink this. Pay a proportionate percentage of your salaries into the joint account and keep the rest of your income in your own account. Problem solved. I personally don't like anyone scrutinising my spending. Including a percentage of overtime when it's earned? Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 The way my wife and I addressed this was to pool all of our money into joint accounts, from which we were paid monthly allowances that were based on our percentage contribution to the joint accounts. The allowances were arrived at through negotiation. We were not eligible for overtime so our salaries remained reasonable stable, but we did earn performance bonuses each year that also went directly into the joint accounts. All bills, after-tax retirement contributions, vacation expenses, etc., were paid from the joint accounts. We were free to spend our allowances without explanation, but large individual purchases had to be negotiated. Under no circumstances were expenditures that required carrying a debt allowed, whether personal or joint, especially credit card debts with their corresponding high interest rates. This has worked pretty well for us over the years. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Does he save money? Do you save money? What are you really worried about? We know you earn more but hopefully you don't make him feel inferior. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 If your husband has a problem with spending money, I don't think that you should be combining your income in a joint account. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Heard of a postnup? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 So we finally decided to combine finances given the house and the baby. We decided that we will put all of our money in a joint account and give ourselves an equal allowance to buy what we want, no questions asked. If the two of you decided to put ALL of your money into a joint account, then he is not abiding by that agreement by not including his overtime pay. If he refuses to contribute his overtime pay to the joint account, you should also refuse to contribute the same amount as his overtime from your pay. Just keep that portion in your own personal account and contribute the rest to the joint account. That seems fair to me if that's how he wants to be about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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