LoverOfDance Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 (edited) So i've been single my whole life. Have never been in a real relationship. I think the reason why is because I keep meeting men who although I find them physically attractive, I am not attracted to who they are on the inside. Or vice versa - I meet men who I find attractive character-wise but I don't find them physically attractive. When I eventually meet guys who I find attractive both on the inside and outside, they seem not to feel the same way about me. Is anybody experiencing this as well in their own lives? What do you think I can do to remedy this situation? Edited February 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator thread moved to In Search Of ~6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cora Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I could have written this post myself. It's been the story of my life. I wish I had an answer. It seems like the men who are interested in me, I have no interest in, but the ones I am interested in want nothing to do with me. I too have never been in a real relationship. I've only dated long term, but nothing was ever established. It sucks because at 34 I'm ready to settle down, get married and start a family. But I'm nowhere near that. All my friends are already married and have had kids or still growing their families. I sometimes wonder if maybe it's not in the cards for me to settle down. I also don't want to be in my forties and just having my first child. Anyway, I'm sorry I can't offer any advice since I'm in the same boat. Looking forward to reading some responses though. Just know you're not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I think it's a very common problem women have. The character issue is a big problem. You can fall in love with a man but at the same time know you would never want to marry them because of some character flaw, or even more likely, they won't pick up their own socks, or they aren't considerate or they aren't dependable. You can love someone and know you would never be able to live with them for long. It's even more restrictive when you are looking ahead to raising children, because that requires more than a lot of men will give, so something you might be able to overlook if it were just you to consider may disqualify a man from being who you'd have kids with. And of course, attraction is important because sex seems to be the number one priority of most men, so you don't want to be lukewarm attracted because if you just decide to opt out, he won't stick around. It's hard to find someone who has the qualities you need. The more mainstream your tastes, the more likely you are to find someone. The more easy going you are, the easier it is to find someone, but you may end up with a mess on your hands and have regrets. You're better off by yourself than with someone you aren't happy with, I really believe. But I know some people feel they just have to have someone around all the time. The ones I know like that have men I wouldn't put up with for a week, much less a lifetime because they let desperation get the better of them and required too little and now are the one doing everything themselves, so they may as well be on their own. To help find the right match, spend a lot of time doing the things you love so you may find someone who likes the same type things and also because it just keeps you more social. You can't find someone sitting at home, or at least if you do, it will be a hundred annoying OLD dates before you do. I think the quickest way is get out and do the things you love and be sure you are living in a place that has your kind of people and interests. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 It's a numbers game, really. The more people you date, the better chance you have of meeting someone you connect with on all levels. Just don't get jaded or discouraged by the many non-matches that occur in the meantime. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Okay, just a suggestion to try on for you. I am sure you have a list of all of the things that would make someone a Mr. Right. That's cool, don't feel bad about it. But I want you to try doing something else. I want you to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with Mr. Right. How would he make you feel? How would you make him feel? What would you two do? What would he bring out in you? What would you bring out in him? How would you be as a couple? All of that stuff. Focus on the emotions and qualities that are uncovered in you (especially you). Spend some time doing this. Don't focus on what he looks like or what job he has or any of the "stuff" that's already on your Mr. Right list. Just focus on what it would feel like to be in that relationship. So rather than saying, "he has a good job and is professionally ambitious" say something like "I love and take strength from his ambition and dedication. It is an inspiration to me". Don't say "he's never done anything wrong" and rather say "he makes me feel safe when I'm with him, I can surrender and let my guard down". etc... Now, once you've done that write that whole narrative down. That's your emotional goal. That's your true north. Now, as you meet a man, ask yourself if he is moving you closer to what you described or further away. If he's moving you closer, then he's good. If he's moving you much closer then maybe he's Mr. Right. If he's moving you further away from your narrative, then you know he's Mr. Wrong. Best of luck! Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I'd say work on yourself not just physically( though that's a big part of attraction for men and there's always room for improvement), but personality/'energy'-wise. It really has to be genuine. Also meet more people. Doing the first will probably help with that part. It seems like you aren't meeting enough people. Best x Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 So i've been single my whole life. Have never been in a real relationship. I think the reason why is because I keep meeting men who although I find them physically attractive, I am not attracted to who they are on the inside. Or vice versa - I meet men who I find attractive character-wise but I don't find them physically attractive. When I eventually meet guys who I find attractive both on the inside and outside, they seem not to feel the same way about me. Is anybody experiencing this as well in their own lives? What do you think I can do to remedy this situation? IMHO, the actual act of being in a relationship tells you much more about what you want than screening numerous potentials out. You are also making memories that I personally cherish, whether or not that person is Mr/Mrs Right. So, if I had a son or daughter, I would tell them to date as much as they could. I know for women, that idea sounds gross because they are pre-programmed to only go for the best suitors there are (best of terms of whatever ticks their boxes). But anyway, it's your life. Some people date a lot, some people hold out, some people are arranged to be married at age 14, and some (that I know) reach mid-40s without having a girlfriend in their life, or probably even having kissed a woman. So, there it is. Life is your empty slate. Do what you like. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 So i've been single my whole life. Have never been in a real relationship. I think the reason why is because I keep meeting men who although I find them physically attractive, I am not attracted to who they are on the inside. Or vice versa - I meet men who I find attractive character-wise but I don't find them physically attractive. When I eventually meet guys who I find attractive both on the inside and outside, they seem not to feel the same way about me. Is anybody experiencing this as well in their own lives? What do you think I can do to remedy this situation? Yes! I experience the exact same thing my whole life too, except I've taken it farther than you and tried to have a relationship with these men (even marriage). Don't make the mistakes I have. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 It takes patience and optimism. That being said, are you getting out and meeting new people every week? Are you constantly expanding your social circle through hobbies, work, etc.? Are you using OLD and all the resources available to you (blind dates set up by friends, etc.) Are you warm, friendly, approachable, outgoing? Also are there things that you might be doing that might be shooting yourself in the foot? Ask all your friends what you might do differently. See if there are any trends in their responses and then self-reflect. Most people will eventually find a partner. For a wide variety of reasons, it takes some longer than others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 If you want the quick answer. I think that you have to lay off the looking for love and concentrate on the other parts of your life. It will come when it comes. I think that a lot of us here and in real life will have to do the same. What are we really missing anyways. Unless we find a like minded person that loves us and vice versa. Does that mean the rest of our lives in other areas should suffer. If we don't have someone that tells us half a dozen times a week that they love us or has physical affection towards us. Is that all there is to our lives. I think that Love is over hyped. I doubt if we were to quiz people in their 80+ that were single for life. They would say that there lives were hard with out love. Its great if you can have it. At what cost to our soul and well being. Why should the journey be hard. Its not that way for friendships. Why should it be that way for love. Maybe some of us should just lay off the hunt. From what I have seen. Most of my friends that landed someone. Did so more by not doing anything major. They went about their lives and it just happened. Perhaps we are in better modes when we don't have to work this area of our lives so much. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 What are we really missing anyways. Unless we find a like minded person that loves us and vice versa. Does that mean the rest of our lives in other areas should suffer. If we don't have someone that tells us half a dozen times a week that they love us or has physical affection towards us. Is that all there is to our lives. I think that Love is over hyped. I doubt if we were to quiz people in their 80+ that were single for life. They would say that there lives were hard with out love. I think when you get older (35+), it is difficult to put together a social life because all of your friends are married with kids, or have changed, or have moved away. If I wasn't dating, I'd be scrambling to do meetups, and begging my friends with families for their time. If things stayed the same as when we were all 25, and I had 2-4 different crowds of people to hang out with each weekend, then yes, I'd have much less need for a partner. When that person who isn't a perfect match per se, becomes involved in your life and starts liking the things you like ... you appreciate them and love them more and more. I do think people take dating too seriously. It should be more like friendship, but people are programmed differently. I've always been the way I've been. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 When I look at my efforts to find love. It feels like when I let the universe bring it to me. The results are a better quality person, than when I do things on my own. When I go looking. I always end up with a woman that I like, but she is attached or there is some obstacle. This is consistant with me for a long time. So I am going to do an experiment. I am going to do a lot of praying to the universe and see what happens. Sometimes all this searching for love is very futile. I had a better life when I was not on the hunt or desired love on a regular basis. We can't control this part of out lives anyways. I can't just get a woman that is going to totally fall in line with what I want. No matter who I go for. The ultimate situation for me would be a woman that is close to my age. Single and Childless. Lives close but not to close where if we broke up we would run into each other. She is really into me an I don't really have to work it. Other than being respectful and show mutual interest. We both love our Rock and Roll/Jazz/Soul/Metal music. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I go out all the time. I see bands on Tues/Fri/Sat. Watch all the big Popcorn/Super hero Movies from time to time. Have dinner/Lunch with various friends. Work out at the Gym. If I stay home. I have my various Tv programs. Play my Wii system. Talk to friends on my Cell or some friends on line. So my life is active in and out of home. I have such a variety of friends/aquntances that for me. There really is no bugging Friends to do stuff with. I hang talk with a friend every 4 to 6 days and cycle them around. Some I do more than others. I have only 10 Days a month that I can really do anything. As I like to do things when I am off from work. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 It's a numbers game, really. The more people you date, the better chance you have of meeting someone you connect with on all levels. Just don't get jaded or discouraged by the many non-matches that occur in the meantime. It's definitely a numbers game. The more specific what you are looking for the harder you have to look. It also helps being able to tell your must-haves from mere wishlist items. I always found that persistence in putting myself out there and patience during the initial phases of dating have improved the chances of finding somebody. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 I don't think that its a numbers game. Most of my friends dated very little. I am the one that has clocked in more hour with women. Both Dating and Friendship. I am no where close to being able to work out whats a great relationship or not. I think that my friends that are attached for the most part. The women just fell into their lap. They did not do heavy duty dating. Its almost like we should just let the universe bring the women/men to us and go about our lives. Dating 8 women a year for a man. Good luck if any of them are really into you. Most people stumble into love for the most part. That includes Parents and Grandparents. Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Some women and men have unrealistic standards. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 What do you think I can do to remedy this situation? physical beauty only lasts a few decades, mental/emotional beauty lasts a lifetime Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I go out all the time. I see bands on Tues/Fri/Sat. Watch all the big Popcorn/Super hero Movies from time to time. Have dinner/Lunch with various friends. Work out at the Gym. If I stay home. I have my various Tv programs. Play my Wii system. Talk to friends on my Cell or some friends on line. So my life is active in and out of home. I have such a variety of friends/aquntances that for me. There really is no bugging Friends to do stuff with. I hang talk with a friend every 4 to 6 days and cycle them around. Some I do more than others. I have only 10 Days a month that I can really do anything. As I like to do things when I am off from work. Well, then, that's cool. In a practical sense, you have much less need to have a mate, or even a family. For me, I saw my best friend this weekend, and between giving a bath to his kids and putting his kids to sleep and talking with his wife, he had just under three hours to hang out, and I probably won't see him again for a few months. I don't think that's unique. A wife/family/kids helps bring companionship/love into your life. That's a lot of the reason people have families and kids, and I don't think it's any kind of a big surprise. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 (edited) moderator note: the threadstarter has not returned to the site after the OP so thread closed. If they wish for it to be reopened they can request that via the "Alert Us" button. We also moved 4 posts to a new thread to avoid hijacking this one. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/615287-if-you-35-you-have-go-actively-search ~6 Edited February 28, 2017 by Robert Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts