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Not sure how to change myself for our marriage


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Hello everyone,

 

This will probably be a somewhat long story - and I'm a pretty open person so if I leave anything out or if you have any questions - don't be afraid to ask and I'll answer the best I can.

 

Anyhow - My husband and I met online 10 years ago. He is from Ontario, Canada, and I was from Pennsylvania, USA. We did the long distance relationship from 2008 until 2012. We married in 2010, filed immigration paperwork in 2011 and I moved to Canada in 2012.

 

In the beginning of our relationship my husband was exciting, always wanting to do something, always willing to get out on the town with me. When I wasn't visiting him, he went to school, visited family, visited friends. Caring, generous, happy - he was the man of my dreams.

 

His reasoning for wanting to move to Alberta was that he wanted to be closer to his siblings and nieces/nephews. I had a hard time accepting this because I didn't want to be very far from my own family, and a 6 hour drive vs. 9 hours of travel time and having to fly was a better idea. But I agreed to give it a try and moved.

 

Since I've lived in Alberta, I've almost had to force him to spend time with his family about 75% of the time. I don't feel close to his siblings at all, and I feel very isolated. I have a few friends that I've made and they are pretty much the reason I'm able to have some happiness lately.

 

Last summer, we went through a separation, I almost left and moved back to Pennsylvania, but things didn't work and I stayed and we both promised to work harder at our relationship.

 

After a few months, I realized I had given up things at his request and had been trying be the wife he needed while I feel the things I've asked for have gone unheard.

 

Things I've asked for were more spontaneity, for us to be -present- in our lives (Husband comes home, makes dinner, sits down in front of the playstation, plays until bedtime, comes to bed, turns on other playstation to turn on a movie), Follow through on things he says he's going to do (for instance, exercising the dogs), for his full support in my weight loss goals (ie: not eating junk food at home, or having soft drinks at home, cooking healthier meals). For him to either make some friends and get out once in a while, or spend more time with his brothers so I can have some me time at home to just watch my trash reality tv or blast my music and dance in the living room.

 

We barely have a sexual relationship because I feel so unheard.

 

I'm guilty of things in our relationship too - I know I'm very critical, and I'm not very good at giving him the affirmation/verbal recognition he needs. But I find it very hard to say good things to him when I feel like there's so much wrong.

 

Right now, I know things need to change, but I don't know what to do or how to start the ball on this. If anyone has any advice on how I can change my actions/views/feelings to make this work, I'm open to suggestions.

 

Thanks in advance!

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In the short term, you can only change yourself. Find things to do that make you happy even without him.

 

 

If you want to lose weight, you exercise the dogs. It will be good for you & them.

 

 

If you plan a date, will he go on it? Try that. It's a way I get my husband's attention sometimes.

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Sorry you're going through this, but marriage is definitely not easy, but I can say that when we find our problems and acknowledge them that's a start to a better relationship. relationship occurs when both are willing to give up for each other. It's giving up our likes for our spouses. Communicate with him your feelings and ask him how he feels and work together on standing firm on your vows. All it takes is each making a good choice to revive your marriage and your relationship, it's not easy but I know from my own experience it's possible. Hope things get better soon! Praying helps!

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how I can change my actions/views/feelings to make this work, I'm open to suggestions.

Any set of exercises that will help you become more self-introspective will be beneficial.

 

Books by Gay Hendricks, I've found, are good. There is 'The Ten-Second Miracle: Creating Relationship Breakthroughs', and he also has his 'Conscious Loving' series.

 

Gendlin's 'focusing technique' is also good, but the type of exercise is not for everyone. Similar to this is the 'kinesiology calibration' that's discussed in Power vs. Force.

 

More spiritually based, if that suits you better, the left-hand-side menu of this page links to various Practical Living articles. The Ignatian Spiritual Exercises are also meant to assist with self-awareness through self-introspection.

 

With any luck, you'll find something in this mix beneficial for you. :).

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his full support in my weight loss goals (ie: not eating junk food at home, or having soft drinks at home, cooking healthier meals).

 

This makes about as much sense as him insisting you spend your time playing video games. Trying to make him responsible for your goals is only rationalizing failure in advance.

 

I don't get much sense either of you are willing to make the accommodations necessary for a successful marriage. Have you considered marriage counseling?

 

For him to either make some friends and get out once in a while, or spend more time with his brothers so I can have some me time at home to just watch my trash reality tv or blast my music and dance in the living room.

 

Why does he have to be gone for you to do the things you enjoy? Some curious ideas here about how relationships work...

 

Mr. Lucky

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lucy_in_disguise

Most of the issues you mention seem more related to your unhappiness with yourself/ your life, than thingd wrong with your marriage. Moving to a new place can be tough, and it sounds like you're having a hard time adjusting and are shifting some of the responsibility for your unhappiness on your husband. The excessive video games/ TV is definitely something the can work on, but aside from that, I think most of the issues are within your own control:

 

-you can't hold him responsible for your weight loss goals

-spontaneity is great but responsibility falls on both partners. If you want to get out and do more things, you should take the initiative for planning them. Looking toward someone else to make plans for you is usually a recipe for disaster

-needing him to go out so you can stay home seems like an odd request. I get the need for alone time in any relationship but again if it's something you need, you have to find it yourself

 

Not to minimize your marital unhappiness, but I think if you were happier with your life in general, you would find yourself happier with your marriage. Your husband can certainly do a better job to help you make friends/ feel settled in, and some of the issues, like the video gaming, is something he should work on; but at the end of the day your happiness is your own responsibility. It doesn't sound like you're committed to your new home, and having one foot out the door probably doesn't help. Do you want to make your marriage work, and are you as a couple committed to the new location? If so, focus your energy on improving your life where you are.

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