My ex is seeing a new girl and im so upset lol [UPDATE: Should I contact my ex?]

[Dis]

I'm writing here to get my thoughts out. I've gotten plenty of useful advice. I just need a place to share. I've resolved to contact my ex in a week to meet one last time if he will agree to it. The wait is killing me but I need to wait, I work and plus I'm just not mentally together enough at this point. I'm really lovesick. If he does agree it will have to be the weekend after next or later. Each minute feels like an eternity and I'm in so much pain because I know I could text him right now and he would respond minutes later.I don't know if it will be the case in a week. Just one more time to see him. Tell him my thoughts and where I'm coming from. Just drinks. I want to see him one last time, then I will let him go. I know it sounds crazy but I don't like the way we last saw each other. I know he'll never be mine again. It's not about that. Seeing his girl made me realize how she's everything I'm not and how I can't give him what she can. I actually helped them get together and pushed him into her arms unknowingly( in another way besides breaking up). She is also very much his type where I don't think I ever was but he gave me a chance. She is a single mother and he always said he didn't want to date those so his feelings for her must be strong and maybe becoming bEing around her kid will make him a better person.

 

There's nothing I can do now to have him, this is for me, and 'closure'. I refuse to be other woman or compete with another girl for his heart. I don't think I should remain in contact with him either. It's just dragging me down and making me upset.

 

Hey girl!

 

I'm so sorry I'm so late to this thread!

 

Ok, have to admit I havent read that much but I get where your coming from

 

It sounds like (correct me if I'm wrong) the main reason why your so hurt by him not being yours is because he's with her....and not you. If so, thats totally normal! Cut yourself some slack. That just takes time. While you're healing absolutely do not check his social media, block him on there and tell you friends or whoever is giving you this info to STOP!

 

I really do believe that when break ups happen, we give ourselves closure. Our exs can tell us xy and z but if we dont accept reality, on our own accord, no healing will take place. I know you feel like you need to meet up with him one more time and whatever else but your own peace of mind is in your hands...no one else's

 

I remember breaking up with my ex and realizing he was cheating on me for the majority of the 2.5 years that we were together. I didnt go to him for answers, I didnt try to pick his brain or look him up on social media because I knew that my healing and acceptance of the situation would come from me and not him

 

The other thing is, our exs probably will never be able to give us the kind of closure we really desire

 

It just takes time. I HATE that saying but its true

 

I think once a relationships fails the first time, it rarely works out the second time so get that fanstasy out of your head. The reality of love is a harsh truth to swallow...I'm so sorry your feeling hurt right now...I know that feeling well

 

We're all here for you. Keep posting to get your thoughts and feelings out. Xoxo girly!

[Blanco]

I let out a verbal "Oh my god," when I read about you resolving to ask him to meet in a week. NO! I didn't even finish reading the post, because nothing after that matters.

 

Here's how I know you don't love him (aside from, ya know, DUMPING him twice): You're planning on interfering on something that is likely making him happy and you're doing it entirely because of your own wants. That is not love.

 

Real love is allowing someone to be happy, even if it means letting go of them. Real love does not mean you interfere or obstruct something that might be adding happiness to their lives, especially when you'd only be doing so because of your own wants.

 

You did not respect this guy in the relationship and you are disrespecting him in a whole new way by even planning to try to coax him out of this new relationship.

 

I don't know how old you are, but you've got some serious growing up to do where matters of the heart are concerned. Your behavior is that of someone who's still in high school.

[whatdeww18]

Cookiesandough,

 

There's just one thing I'm a little (actually very) confused about with your situation.

 

I re-read your post where you initially thought about wanting to go back again.

 

What is the difference between him dating a string of women and you going back (back in November) versus this time? Why is it that this particular new relationship of his has you wanting him so badly? Is there any difference in the want to go back, from November, to now? Could you describe the difference if there is one?

 

I would like to comment further after I hear your response to my questions.

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited March 1, 2017 by whatdeww18

[ExpatInItaly]

Being desperate is very unattractive, OP.

 

Keep that in mind as you learn your lessons the hard way.

[keiji]

People make mistakes. They can change

 

I firmly believe people can change. But they do so after long and thorough processes of self-examination and introspection, often with the aid of a therapist, and those processes aren't exactly a beach party.

 

This has nothing to do with him or with love, but with yourself. If you don't realize this and work on it, you'll keep hurting yourself and others. And worst of all, you're planning and scheduling when to interfere in his new relationship. You didn't want him in his life; let him live his happily. It's the decent way to go.

[stillafool]

If you want to see him one last time look at his picture on FB with his new girl, then delete. He can't give you closure, there is nothing left to talk about, he has moved on with his new gf and you just want to throw a wrench in it. Stop it, grow up and get some help. Have you made an appointment with a therapist yet?

[Cookiesandough]

Hi, I asked this guy if we could make plans for not this weekend, but Saturday, Sunday, Monday of the following week. So that's like 10-12 days in advance. He says it's too far in advance. Is that true? Too far in advance to plan date? Or is he keeping me as backup. He said he works tues-fri nights and OT on the weekends. He said "we'll figure something out when it gets closer? Ok?" I asked him if he could tell me by weds because I would otherwise need to make other plans and he said he should know by then. I just don't wanna be plan b, c, or D.

[elaine567]

Hi, I asked this guy if we could make plans for not this weekend, but Saturday, Sunday, Monday of the following week. So that's like 10-12 days in advance. He says it's too far in advance. Is that true? Too far in advance to plan date? Or is he keeping me as backup. He said he works tues-fri nights and OT on the weekends. He said "we'll figure something out when it gets closer? Ok?" I asked him if he could tell me by weds because I would otherwise need to make other plans and he said he should know by then. I just don't wanna be plan b, c, or D.

 

is this your ex or another guy?

[Cookiesandough]

is this your ex or another guy?

Um.... :(

[basil67]

Um.... :(

 

He's making sure that he's missing out on something good with his girlfriend or mates to spend time with you. But if he's got nothing better to do, then he may see you. Or not. Depends how he feels on the day.

 

I don't even see that you're a 'backup'. It's not a date....it's just him seeing you because of pity for you. You are not a priority to him....and this is the way it should be.

Edited March 2, 2017 by basil67

[elaine567]

If he really wanted to see you he would be suggesting he see you asap.

He is putting you off like so many do when they are luke-warm about doing something or seeing a person...

Do not do this to yourself.

[Cookiesandough]

If he really wanted to see you he would be suggesting he see you asap.

He is putting you off like so many do when they are luke-warm about doing something or seeing a person...

Do not do this to yourself.

 

[rant]

I know you are 100% right. See, I broke Nc and texted asking if he wanted to get drinks. He said "when? Where?" I told him not until after next Monday. He said "you drink now?" I said yes. He was very laconic in his replies. At one point I told him "oh guess what I realized last week!" I told him and he said "Damn. I thought you were gonna say you realized you were done playing games." WTF. I have no idea what this meant. I just said " I have not been playing games." I didn't want to push the issue because I wanna keep things fun and friendly between us. I asked if he'd like to meet the following weekend. He said "possibly,but I work a lot now." I said okay well can we plan it for the weekend after next? Or is that too far in advance? He said "it's too far in advance. We'll figure something out when it gets closer. Ok?"' I said fine but I need to know by weds so I can book other things. He said "by all means, don't let me get in the way of you staying booked." This irked me a lot so I said, " I want to see you, but only if you want to too. If you don't want to see me and you're just being polite, be real. I'll always respect you regardless" He said "Yes I want to too. Sorry. Busy at work."

 

So I mean by lukewarm is he on the fence about seeing me and needs time to think it over? I'm willing to wait, but I feel like he's playing games. I'm just going to text him weds and see if he's decided or he wants to wait or he flat out rejects meeting me. I'm losing patience for this. I just want to see him/talk one last time.

[/rant]

Edited March 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[BluesPower]

I am much older and this may not help your question...

 

For me as a guy it works like this. I go out with a girl 2 or three times, and then it is in her court. I don't chase, if they want to see me they let me know. If I did not like her I would not have gone past the first date.

 

This guy sounds kind of flaky in general, is he worth the trouble?

 

Also, my sons are notorious for letting me know at the LAST MINUTE that they have a gig on a particular night that they need my help with. So when I do get a call from one of the girls I just tell them, "Let me check some stuff with the kids and I'll get back."

 

And I always get back the next day with yes, no, or set another time.

 

This stuff seems simple to me, but when your younger it does seem more difficult for some reason.

[basil67]

[rant]

I know you are 100% right. See, I broke Nc and texted asking if he wanted to get drinks. He said "when? Where?" I told him not until after next Monday. He said "you drink now?" I said yes. He was very laconic in his replies. At one point I told him "oh guess what I realized last week!" I told him and he said "Damn. I thought you were gonna say you realized you were done playing games." WTF. I have no idea what this meant. I just said " I have not been playing games." I didn't want to push the issue because I wanna keep things fun and friendly between us. I asked if he'd like to meet the following weekend. He said "possibly,but I work a lot now." I said okay well can we plan it for the weekend after next? Or is that too far in advance? He said "it's too far in advance. We'll figure something out when it gets closer. Ok?"' I said fine but I need to know by weds so I can book other things. He said "by all means, don't let me get in the way of you staying booked." This irked me a lot so I said, " I want to see you, but only if you want to too. If you don't want to see me and you're just being polite, be real. I'll always respect you regardless" He said "Yes I want to too. Sorry. Busy at work."

 

So I mean by lukewarm is he on the fence about seeing me and needs time to think it over? I'm willing to wait, but I feel like he's playing games. I'm just going to text him weds and see if he's decided or he wants to wait or he flat out rejects meeting me. I'm losing patience for this. I just want to see him/talk one last time.

[/rant]

 

Thing is, you ARE playing games. And you are being dishonest about your intentions. You don't want it to be fun and friendly - you want him to fall back in love with you and leave his new girlfriend.

 

I know you want him to tell you if he doesnt want to see you, but every part of his reactions show complete disinterest in seeing you again. Do you really need to force him into saying things which he's clearly uncomfortable in saying?

 

He's not playing games. He's just a man being pushed into an uncomfortable situation by an ex and doesn't want to be hurtful. Just leave the poor man alone.

[stillafool]

[rant]

I know you are 100% right. See, I broke Nc and texted asking if he wanted to get drinks. He said "when? Where?" I told him not until after next Monday. He said "you drink now?" I said yes. He was very laconic in his replies. At one point I told him "oh guess what I realized last week!" I told him and he said "Damn. I thought you were gonna say you realized you were done playing games." WTF. I have no idea what this meant. I just said " I have not been playing games." I didn't want to push the issue because I wanna keep things fun and friendly between us. I asked if he'd like to meet the following weekend. He said "possibly,but I work a lot now." I said okay well can we plan it for the weekend after next? Or is that too far in advance? He said "it's too far in advance. We'll figure something out when it gets closer. Ok?"' I said fine but I need to know by weds so I can book other things. He said "by all means, don't let me get in the way of you staying booked." This irked me a lot so I said, " I want to see you, but only if you want to too. If you don't want to see me and you're just being polite, be real. I'll always respect you regardless" He said "Yes I want to too. Sorry. Busy at work."

 

[/rant]

 

He's letting you know he's okay seeing you but to not pass up anything to be with him. He was being polite when he said he wants to see you too but had to go back to work. He didn't want to discuss it anymore. Maybe he has to talk it over with his girl first. Sure he will see you to see if you have changed but I doubt seriously he wants you back. What do you need to talk to him about?

[jorgeg3d]

Cookiesandough, you have to be straight forward about your intentions. Also, if he wanted to see you, he wouldn't be going in circles about the scheduling with you. He'd make it a priority to see you. So let this be a clue as to where he's at this point in his life.

 

I bet if you stop chasing him, he will pursue you again. Unless he's truly over you. Which may very well be the case.

[elaine567]

 

This guy sounds kind of flaky in general, is he worth the trouble?

 

 

Can you blame him for being flaky?

She has already dumped him twice, leaving him heart broken but now he has a new gf, she wants him back...

[keiji]

Hi, I asked this guy if we could make plans for not this weekend, but Saturday, Sunday, Monday of the following week. So that's like 10-12 days in advance. He says it's too far in advance. Is that true? Too far in advance to plan date? Or is he keeping me as backup. He said he works tues-fri nights and OT on the weekends. He said "we'll figure something out when it gets closer? Ok?" I asked him if he could tell me by weds because I would otherwise need to make other plans and he said he should know by then. I just don't wanna be plan b, c, or D.

 

I find your absolute disregard for other people's feelings despicable. I hope the guy ignores your selfish approaches and teaches you a lesson. Or perhaps you'll have to be in that girl's position one day to know how it feels. Your behavior is simply awful.

[Eddie Gonzales]

Thing is, you ARE playing games. And you are being dishonest about your intentions. You don't want it to be fun and friendly - you want him to fall back in love with you and leave his new girlfriend.

 

I know you want him to tell you if he doesnt want to see you, but every part of his reactions show complete disinterest in seeing you again. Do you really need to force him into saying things which he's clearly uncomfortable in saying?

 

He's not playing games. He's just a man being pushed into an uncomfortable situation by an ex and doesn't want to be hurtful. Just leave the poor man alone.

No, he's a man who's been hurt by this girl and has actually confronted her about her playing games with him. I'd only say that to a girl who I'm confused about and who in my mind has been playing games with me. I'd say that to protect my heart.

 

I've been in a situation like this this before, and even if I still had lingering feelings for the ex, I would not meet up with her that quickly because

 

A) I would not want to seem desperate and

B) I would protect myself from the games I was used to with her

 

Honestly, if my ex texted what you texted, I wouldn't have seen interest at all. I would just think she's messing with my head and because of my experience, I would probably reject her even if I still had strong feelings for her.

 

I bet if he came to this board and asked people what was up with his ex (you), most would tell him to move on and ignore you because you're playing games and don't really want him.

[Eddie Gonzales]

OP, how much contact do you have with him? Are you still friends on social media and are you engaging?

[olivetree]

I don't see a man that is disinterested.

I see a man that has been hurt and is now protecting himself.

The fact that he is willing to meet with you tells me he has feelings for you.

 

I don't think you are in a good place right now to see him or anyone else though.

Why not wait until you are in a good place before you make decisions like seeing him? That way you will:

1) Know you want to see him for the right reasons, not to fill any sort of void

2) Be more attractive when/if you actually do see him

3) Increase the chances of you actually working out, if there is a next time

 

My advice: be honest and tell him that you really want to see him but you aren't in a great place right now and should work on yourself.

Don't just retract your offer without some sort of explanation though because you could be hurting him with your hot and cold actions, even now.

With time and acceptance, you may find you really don't want to be with him after all.

[Purepony]

Wow

At first I thought this was someone who needed help or advice but now I see why the guys acting this way... if I was this guy I would just get a restraining order at this point !

 

 

He's too nice to tell you he doesn't care for god sake MoveOn, what do you need any what are you waiting for what clear sign are you waiting for God to come down from heaven and personally tell you ?!?!

[Lorenza]

Cookiedanddough, please listen to the other posters. This is madness and you're acting like someone obsessed by a thing they can't have.

 

It is not without a reason so many posters have condemned your actions. You really got to open your emphatic senses! Sorry to say that but you're acting like a narcissist right now - this behavior is usually described in various articles about people with narcissistic disorder. I hope you're not really like that, so please leave that guy alone. Imagine how it feels for him to have his strings pulled by you. Just stop messaging him!

[VeveCakes]

OP you seriously need to leave this poor man alone and also get some help.

 

This is unhealthy and borderline psychotic how you are back and forth.

 

He has a gf too, how would you like it if some woman did this to you. He obviously is not interested or he would have seen you by now. It's pretty clear you want to see him.

 

Get help and leave the poor man alone.

[goldway90]

Well you dumped him now he's over you.The thing is you made your bed now lay in it, you need to move on and leave this guy alone, don't be selfish.