My wife informed me on Sunday that she wants a separation for right now

[cmb81]

Hey everyone. My wife informed me on Sunday that she wants a separation for right now. I'm devastated.

 

She is my everything, and I am lost without her. I know that sounds cliche, but everything I do is for her and because of her. It's impossible to not think about her every second.

 

Since she told me on Sunday, I stayed at our house that night. It was a great night. We spent time crying, cuddling, watching a movie. I left the next morning. However, I was checking on our dogs even I got off work, and she happened to come home early. She told me it was find I stayed, and i was there until almost 9.

 

I left at that point, and I went to my friend's house.. the following morning she called me really early saying that she was having stomach pains. I left and took her to the hospital. Well it wasn't a good thing, I did see her for about two hours that morning.

 

We made a deal that she would call me when she gets off work, and I would call her before bed. I spoke to her last night and it was a great conversation about our days.

 

So now we start the real separation. I guess I don't understand how I'm going to move on right now. I've been able to see her these last few days and that has helped. However, that will not be the same in the upcoming days. It's going to start getting real, and I'm not sure how to handle it.

[keiji]

First of all, I'm sorry about your situation.

 

Any other details about the reasons for the breakup, if it's not too much to ask?

[Cornelius_Smiff]

I am really sorry you are going through my friend and I do feel your pain. At the risk of pre-empting a wave of similar advice, I can tell you the best way to heal is to go no contact for a while. It’s done wonders for me and my own healing. However, ironically my ex cheated and left me for someone else and in a way this made going NC almost inevitable. For you, who is seemingly still very close with your ex, it will be incredibly difficult. If you excuse the analogy, it will be like kicking a drug habit (this is actually somewhat true in a way).

 

I will not sugar coat this for you man, because you are about to go through some very dark and testing times. You will be living breath to breath, second to second and day to day. Sometimes you will feel like you are being consumed from the inside out by this feel, but it DOES GET EASIER and if you commit to NC you must stick to it otherwise you put yourself back at the square one.

 

Now the biggest issue comes from how she may react to such an arrangement, and how much her actions will impact on your ability to stick to a plan i.e. would she be willing to go NC? I guess the best thing to do is set out clear boundaries and a clear plan for your own sake. The reason I say this is because in your darkest times, your mind will play tricks on you and you will do some pretty stupid things up to and including breaking NC pretty spectacularly. When you are feeling at least partially sane (or as sane as you can be in such painful circumstances), make a clear plan and try to stick with it.

 

The only sure fire to heal or at least deal with this situation is to be a little bit selfish and focus on yourself.

[cmb81]

Thanks guys.

 

I know that no contact is probably the way to go, but we did some reading that talked about keeping conversation alive. They said to do a date night once a week and figure out when you're going to talk on the phone. We agreed that she would call after work (which she didn't do today) and I'd call before bed.

 

We had a great conversation last night, but with her not calling today after work, this has been the longest four hours ever. I just keep checking my phone over and over waiting for her to call. I don't want to call her yet, as it's not my time to do so.

 

----

As for our relationship, we truly don't have major issues. My wife said she feels like she isn't all in like I am, and she doesn't like the way she feels right now. We've been married for five years, and we met nine years ago in college. She was very young, and I was nearly four years older. I think us dating as soon as she got to college caused a lot of wondering for her.

 

We spend a ton of time together, and I admit I'm not healthy in the way I treat her so much better than myself. However, I am always putting her first because I'm scared to make a mistake. I want her to know how much I love her all the time, and I think that made me push her away.

 

I'm hurting guys...

[preraph]

Use this time to think about what her issues with you (or with herself) have been and think about whether any of them are resolvable or not. I'm sorry this is breaking your heart. I guess you must have had some ups and downs for this to happen, right?

[cmb81]

That's good advice. Thank you. We are doing to start marriage counseling, and I'm hopeful that can clear up some of what I need to do in an effort to save us.

 

We did have some ups and downs. Never anything big, but we would go a long time without sex, she'd get easily irritated with me, I'd get upset with her...maybe just too many little things adding up.

 

I just got off the phone with her tonight as we said I'd call each night before bed. I know someone above said to go no contact, but I just seriously don't know how I'd do that. I'm sure everyone says that, but I couldn't even imagine it. I'm struggling with the communication we have.

 

I know that's part of the problem though. I'm not my own person. I'm her husband. That's not a great way to live either.

[Cookies101]

Perhaps you could use this time to develop yourself as your own person? Eg, hobbies, job etc?

 

Whatever you do, do not become needy.

[keiji]

I think it would be better if you communicated less often. I don't necessarily think strict NC would be good for you since she seems to be open to reconciliation and working on the relationship, but she probably needs some fresh air and think things through without interferences. Talking every day can't be good for her nor you. So yes, perhaps a weekly phone call is a good option.

 

Be strong. I was in a very similar situation six years ago (9 year relationship, two years of marriage), although mine went from heaven to hell in no time and I wasn't given the chance to make up for my (our) mistakes.

[BluesPower]

OK, OP you need to stop, just stop all the blubbering around.

 

I want you to know that I mean you no disrespect in any way. However, I am going to lay this out straight for you, and please dude, try to listen.

 

You can vent here if you want, and that may help you figure some stuff out, that is fine.

 

The other thing you can do is open up to us and tell us what is actually going on with your marriage. Behavior changes, attitude changes, how often does the no sex thing happen, how is the sex (Objectively as possible), what is going on in your marriage that makes her want a separation.

 

So now, I am going to lay this out for you with several questions.

 

1) I am guessing that you are not very experienced with women in general, dating in college got married after school, not many sexual partners for either of you, maybe first real relationship????

 

So understand this first and foremost, you have been a weak puppy with her, can you see that? You need to figure out what makes you that way. Women, all women, can never and will never respect weakness in a man for any reason. You are being very weak and needy. This is a complete turn off to every woman, literally, in the entire world.

 

If she wants a separation, then separate. Don't wait around for her to call you or you call her. Just stop it all. If she wants a separation the give it to her. DON'T TALK TO HER AT ALL. DON'T RUN TO HER AID WHEN SHE FEELS BAD. SHE WANTS TO SEPERATE, THEN LET HER TEND TO HERSELF.

 

Good grief...

 

2) Has she acted substantially different in a noticeable way over the last year. Think about it? Did she start a new job? Did she make new friends? Did she get a promotion at work? Anything?

 

Something is going on with her, and it would help you to figure out what that might be.

 

3) Did you guys talk about any rules of the separation? If not you need to. Did you guys talk about seeing other people? Dating? Are you two on the same page about what separation means? If you cannot answer these questions, buddy you better figure out the answers like yesterday.

 

4) Why start MC so soon? You have not even been apart for 2 weeks. How is that going to help at this point? And why do you have to separate in order to go to MC? You know a lot of people go to MC when they are actually married and living together...

 

5) Since you are going to start MC, you need to ask one very important question before you go very far in the first session: "Darling, are you having an affair?", or "Honey, are you seeing someone else?"

 

And before we ask those questions, dude you need to check your phone bills online today. Look for an increase in the # of texts to a particular number or increase in calls to the same number.

 

So, there you have it. You have been a weak puppy with her your entire marriage. You need to stop, it is completely unattractive.

 

You really need to rationally figure out what is really going on with her.

 

And most of all, you need to go NC with her yesterday except for MC.

 

Do any of this make sense to you?????

[mikeylo]

Dude, dont be so wrapped up ! There very well could be another guy in the line

[PegNosePete]

^^ Everything BluesPower said. Plus...

 

SHE wants a separation.

 

But YOU are moving out.

 

Why?

 

Tell her if she wants a separation then she can move out.

 

Get back into YOUR HOME and stay there!

 

Tell her if she doesn't like it or wants space or whatever, then she is perfectly free to move out!

Edited February 23, 2017 by PegNosePete

[SaveYourHeart]

I think, from experience, that you came here to find support and have people that listen to you because you feel very alone right now. You may not be trying to find the root of the issue, and that's okay.

 

I'm listening and I'm sorry this is happening to you and your relationship. Everything is going to be okay whether you reconcile or not. That's the great thing about life, there's something new and exciting around every corner. You can choose to live in happiness or you can choose to wallow in pain. Stay positive, use this time to discover things about yourself, try new things, make new friends! Everything happens for a reason. <3

[preraph]

That's good advice. Thank you. We are doing to start marriage counseling, and I'm hopeful that can clear up some of what I need to do in an effort to save us.

 

We did have some ups and downs. Never anything big, but we would go a long time without sex, she'd get easily irritated with me, I'd get upset with her...maybe just too many little things adding up.

 

I just got off the phone with her tonight as we said I'd call each night before bed. I know someone above said to go no contact, but I just seriously don't know how I'd do that. I'm sure everyone says that, but I couldn't even imagine it. I'm struggling with the communication we have.

 

I know that's part of the problem though. I'm not my own person. I'm her husband. That's not a great way to live either.

 

 

I'm glad you're going to do counseling. I hope that goes well for you. You know, one pitfall that can destroy sex in a marriage is if one partner or the other is having to "parent" the other one. Nothing less sexy than getting in bed with someone who you've cleaned up after all day or who hasn't been willing to compromise on anything or do their part or whom you've had to monitor their finances like they were in fifth grade. All those things are parental things and they are sex killers!

[Just a Guy]

Hi CMB, how are you doing? Have you started MC? It has been sometime since you last posted and considering the emotional trauma that you were undergoing at the time of first posting, it is surprising that you have not returned to post updates on your situation. I think Blues power nailed it in his post and even though you may not agree or like what he had to say, he is usually spot on with his views and advice. You would do well to at least ponder on what he has had to say.

 

To me it seems from what you have written, that you have been smothering your wife with an overdose of love and concern and this has finally turned her off completely. If you had instead always been a little difficult for her to hold on to that is, not so predictable in your behaviour and a little out of her reach, she would have valued you more. Everyone wants something they do not have and if that something is almost within their reach but not quite, then they will always be tying to make a grab at it. If that something is you then so be it. Actually, the way I have put it is an oversimplification. Any such thing that you do has to be done with finesse and with love as it's foundation. You give a little and then slip a little out of reach and then give some more. You have to keep it interesting and she should never take you for granted just as you should never take her for granted. If you can perform this delicate dance for a lifetime then you will be the envy of all your friends and acquaintances. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

Edited March 4, 2017 by Just a Guy