The Aftermath

[Birdman]

Let me give you all a little background in my situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/133453-my-wife-has-cheated

 

 

Here's my story..Me and my wife have been married for three years. For the most part our marriage has been good. The problem that I have is that it seems that she puts her friends before she puts me. Three times this year she has gone out to the club and hasn't come back home until 4:00 AM or 7:00 AM. This past summer she went on a vacation with her best friend. Now this is the kind of friend who is constantly having man troubles and sleeps around alot. The wife's friend has never had any respect for our marriage. while I was dating my wife I lived in another city and this friend of hers hooked my wife up with someone who my wife who was then my girlfriend ended up having an affair. I didn't find out until we were married and was actually in the process of leaving her when she said that she had been a faithful wife and what she had done was done before we were married. This put me in a difficult situation. I dealt with it and we moved on. i asked her not to have any communication with the guy and she agreed. However she has been communicating with his sparesly over the past few years. He lives in another state. Now in January she aske me if she could go to the islands with her best friend Melanie. I told her that it was cool. In march I found out that she had been communicating with the guy the she has had an affair with before we got married and I told her that due to her going back on her word I wasn't going to approve of her going with melanie. She played down the email stating that it was just a hello how you doing thing. When July came we talked about it again and she stated that she would never cheat on me and that i should start trusting her. So I did and she went to the island were she went on a date with some guy Melanie hooked hr up with. I read her chat log and she was bragging about it to her friends and she stated that she didn't do anything with the guy. On top of all that she is in middle of her friend Kim's affair as my wife is encouraging her to cheat on her husband due to them having major problems and has went on on dates with them and has passed messages. I read all of this in her chat log and immediately confronted my wife about what I had read. She started crying and stated that she only kissed him and that he was trying to get her to have sex with him but that she refused. She stated that she told him that she wasn't happy in our marriage and that it wasn't my fault. I asked her what the hell she meant and she stated that being married to me was like being married to a preacher in that I take my morals and values to heart. She stated that she feels that she can't live up to my expectations. She then stated that she doesn't want me to leave her and that she would do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.

 

1. Should I make her chose between her friends and our marriage. I problems always seem to arise when her friends are involved. Would I be wrong to ask her to drop her friends. I don't want to be the

2. We have great sex, we don't have financial problems.

3. She wants to go to marriage counseling.

4. Now she feels guilty and is kissing my ass. i don't like it and i want to tell her that it will be okay but at the same time I don't want her to think that i condone immoral behavior.

5. I have rebuilt my realtionship with god prior to learning of the affair and she comes to chruch with me but I don't feel that she is doing it for the right reasons.

6. I am not a controlling husband. I treat my wife as my equal. I have never cheated on her and have been put situations where I could have but I didn't. Like I said before my morals are very important to me.

 

I got married knowing that marriage is hard and I think that we can get past this but as long as she is associating with people who think that it is okay to cheat and has a best friend that has no respect for our marriage then I can have no peace. As of right now I am seriously leaning towards filing for divorce. I don't want to be a fool but at the same time I want to be able to say that I did everything that I could to save my marriage. But isn't it up to her to prove that she wants to save her marriage? I haven't done anything wrong. What is it that I should ask of her or based on everything that I have typed is a sign that I should just proceed with divorce. I didn't want to make a decision out of anger.

That was ten years ago. We decided to work things out and went to marriage counseling. That christmas (2007) the guy called her cellphone on Christmas. I answered the phone and he asked me who I was. he told me that my wife told him that she wasn't married and that he asked when they met. I told him you see what kind of person she is.She could do nothing but drop her head and cry.

 

I didn't realize it then but that was the very moment my marriage died. Now 10 years later, I want out so bad but I don't want my daughters to grow up in a broken home. I want my kids because she is not the best mother in the world but she doesn't know any better. I lost a lot of respect for my wife and it hasn't comeback like I thought it would. It's gone. She cut ties with her friends but the damage is done. We have nothing good to look back on the entire marriage was based off a lie. She was seeing someone else while we were dating.

 

She looked me in my eye before I got my job transfer and told me that she wasn't seeing anyone else. Then when she lost her job and hit rock bottom she told me the truth after we were married. I told her that before we got married and before I got my transfer that the relationship would be over if she was seeing someone else, so she lied.

 

I look back on things now and realize what I should have done years ago but at the same time my children are the most precious things in my life and I would die for them. I am also willing to be in a bad marriage to protect them. We don't argue or fight anything like that i just don't know what to do at this point, Life can be ****ed up sometimes. All I ever tried to do was love somebody but it appears that she wasn't worthy of my love. Getting older you tend to look at things differently.

Edited February 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed link to previous thread and added paragraphs to new post ~6

[mikeylo]

The link doesn't work.

 

Dude, your staying in this marriage for your girls is the worst decision for them. They need to see a healthy marriage and not where both partners are miserable and unhappy. That is what they are learning--- stay, suck it up even if it damages you and is unhealthy.

 

For your girls, you need to end this marriage and not stay.

[ShatteredLady]

Has she tried to be a good wife & mother for the last 10 years?

 

I need to be honest about myself... my marriage has been devastated by my husband's infidelity (twice with the same woman 12 years apart). I can say the same things as you. From my severely depressed point of view "my whole marriage is a lie!".

 

At the end of the day the damage is done. Know what I mean? It's hard to say this because I'm so very hurt...My husband can NOT turn back time & make himself loyal!! It's done.

 

He CAN do everything to help us heal (that's a whole novel). WE can work together to make our marriage the best it can be (have you both read the books, had therapy, set rules etc?) BUT he can't change the fact that he lied & shattered me, destroying our 'Love Story'.

 

If you truly want to live for your girls then DO IT! Don't sit around for a decade festering in your own pain (I'm guilty of this!), that's NOT helping your children, it's damaging them!!

 

It's time to choose, divorce or stay! It's that simple. If you're staying (I'm struggling with this!) then you need therapy, you need MC, you BOTH need to do the work. If you can't live with your past, if you can't work with this then you MUST DIVORCE!

 

Doing nothing is YOUR CHOICE! STOP!!!!!!

[Marc878]

Her actions are deplorable and are all on her. You're accepting this is on you.

 

You have what you have. I suspect you'll continue to live your life codependent on others. Only you can change that.

 

Complaining about what you've done which is nothing doesn't get you much.

[Birdman]

I am not co-dependent on anyone. She has been a decent wife and decent mother. When all of this mess happened we didn't have any children. Its not about what she did its about where I am today. I am not angry or sad because the past is the past. I have moved on from that. If I couldn't deal with what she done I would not have stayed. Again my problem is the unforeseen damage that was done and I wasn't expecting to feel like I do today. Like I stated before we don't argue or fight but I feel like I am living a lie and she thinks that everything is okay. Its also like I am the bad one now and I am committing adultery with my feelings.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Birdman

[oldshirt]

Is there any reason for you to believe that your kids wouldn't be ok with two loving, supportive and involved parents that happen to live in two different homes?

[Mr. Lucky]

I look back on things now and realize what I should have done years ago but at the same time my children are the most precious things in my life and I would die for them. I am also willing to be in a bad marriage to protect them.

 

At least to me, spending decades in a dead marriage is the opposite of protecting your children. You want to model the behavior you hope they'll one day exhibit?

 

Are you sure this is it ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage denies your children the opportunity to learn what it is to have in a healthy, loving relationship. If you think this is doing them a favour, I would respectfully suggest that you are very mistaken.

 

Kids want their parents to be happy and healthy. A home where their parents are miserable is not a very happy or healthy home, indeed.

Edited February 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[whichwayisup]

I am not co-dependent on anyone. She has been a decent wife and decent mother. When all of this mess happened we didn't have any children. Its not about what she did its about where I am today. I am not angry or sad because the past is the past. I have moved on from that. If I couldn't deal with what she done I would not have stayed. Again my problem is the unforeseen damage that was done and I wasn't expecting to feel like I do today. Like I stated before we don't argue or fight but I feel like I am living a lie and she thinks that everything is okay. Its also like I am the bad one now and I am committing adultery with my feelings.

 

Tell her this! What you said above. Be honest. You're not the bad one, you've done nothing wrong... Her previous actions have affected how you feel now and as sad as that is, life is short and if you're this unhappy, divorce. You two can be great co parents to your daughters, even be on friendly terms for the kids sake.

[S2B]

You said you stayed in a bad marriage - so essentially your kids have learned that when they have a bad marriage they too will stay.

 

Is that what you intended to teach them?

 

FWIW can you describe what made it "bad"?

[Jersey born raised]

Have you ever tried MC?? It seems as though you never tried to address the issue with yourself, and with her instead you rugswepted it. That is on you, not her.

 

So what is a decent wife? Is there someone one else in the picture for you? Perhaps an EA? Are you re-writing your marriage? Look I am a BS, I know rewriting and rugsweeping when I see it and that is what I may be seeing.

 

Or did something she did or is doing or saying trigger you?