Snow7 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I'll try to keep it brief. We have been married for a long time but our marriage has been unraveling for almost just as long. For the past 10 years, we have been roommates and co-parents more than husband and wife. Last November I decided I cannot live like this anymore. We agreed to try to fix things. We became more affectionate and started MC. But my husband has continued to lie to me the entire time. He has had several emotional affairs over the years that I know about. He denies PA but who knows. In the past, he has always been secretive about his phone and refused to let me look at it. In January, I insisted that we have an open relationship or none at all. He agreed and started letting me look at his phone. But he was still lying. He was still "hanging out" with another woman. He would just delete the text messages before coming home. This was the last straw for me and I've asked for a separation. I just don't understand. He has made a lot changes and put a lot of work into our relationship for the past 3 months. Let's assume he's telling the truth and there is nothing physical (there was nothing sexual in the messages I saw), Why would he rather to go to another woman's house to have drinks, talk and watch tv instead of coming home? Or if he is not attracted to me or I'm not enough for him then why not get a divorce? He wants to keep working on things. But in January, I asked: are you 100% in? Is there anything else you need to share? And he lied to my face. And still hasn't shared anything that I haven't discovered on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Honestly, as a FWS myself it sounds like he doesn't want to make the decision to end the marriage. He would rather you be the one to say you are done so he doesn't feel like the bad guy. He can say he tried and walk away guilt free. If he truly wanted to reconcile he would cut all contact, own up to everything and put the work in. Either that or he wants to sit on the fence and see how long he can keep milking both sides. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Grown adults of the opposite sex don't spend a lot of time alone together if they aren't having sex. You can pretty much assume that he is. Is that a deal breaker for you? With a little research and advice he can keep you from finding hard evidence of this. How would he react if you had a guy friend that you spent a lot of private time with and messaged with but deleted the messages? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snow7 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Grown adults of the opposite sex don't spend a lot of time alone together if they aren't having sex. You can pretty much assume that he is. Is that a deal breaker for you? With a little research and advice he can keep you from finding hard evidence of this. How would he react if you had a guy friend that you spent a lot of private time with and messaged with but deleted the messages? It's a deal breaker for me whether they are having sex or not. The lying is sufficient. That is why we are separating. I'm just trying to understand for my own sanity. Maybe it's what HeCantBreakMe said. That makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 It's a deal breaker for me whether they are having sex or not. The lying is sufficient. That is why we are separating. I'm just trying to understand for my own sanity. Maybe it's what HeCantBreakMe said. That makes sense. Ok, well if you think separating means the end of it, it is likely not. Most likely this guy is a "cake eater." He wants you and a woman on the side. Once you get serious about ending it with him and he has to live with just his girl on the side, he might come begging and pleading and professing undying love for you. Brace yourself. I'm afraid you are in for a wild painful ride. One that of course you had no fault in bringing into your life. Maybe not. You could be the one in a million that just go their separate ways peacefully and without looking back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snow7 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 Ok, well if you think separating means the end of it, it is likely not. Most likely this guy is a "cake eater." He wants you and a woman on the side. Once you get serious about ending it with him and he has to live with just his girl on the side, he might come begging and pleading and professing undying love for you. Brace yourself. I'm afraid you are in for a wild painful ride. One that of course you had no fault in bringing into your life. Maybe not. You could be the one in a million that just go their separate ways peacefully and without looking back. Confused48, I don't think it's the "he has to live with just the girl on the side." that's motivating him. It's more that he won't see his kid everyday and the financial consequences of ending a marriage that he is not too keen on. I guess he thought I would never leave. I don't know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
68_f100 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Grown adults of the opposite sex don't spend a lot of time alone together if they aren't having sex. You can pretty much assume that he is. Is that a deal breaker for you? This couldn't be farther from the truth. I have spent quite a few nights drinking with friends from the opposite sex. Slept many nights on their couches and even shared a bed once. Zero sex was had because they are just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
KatieLaw Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 This couldn't be farther from the truth. I have spent quite a few nights drinking with friends from the opposite sex. Slept many nights on their couches and even shared a bed once. Zero sex was had because they are just friends. I hope you're right but the only time I cheated, it was with my H's friend. He and I just got along. We liked to play card games and board games. There was never anything inappropriate going on, and I mean nothing. Then, one night, when I was sound asleep in the family guest room . . . (no sex.) Just last month I agreed to meet a married man for decaffeinated tea, then changed my mind. Good thing because he seems to have a foot fetish. (Btw, I'm married and was open to all about this.) H was happy about my decision. I don't know how to feel about this sort of thing, but I've had two gay guys , an old family friend, and a woman come onto me as well. Strange. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 , Why would he rather to go to another woman's house to have drinks, talk and watch tv instead of coming home? Or if he is not attracted to me or I'm not enough for him then why not get a divorce? He wants to keep working on things. . Ok let's start at square-1 and do the first lesson of Infidelity 101. Male Infidelity is rarely ever about dissatifaction at home and divorcing for someone "better" and leaving to start a new life with them instead. Women will do that if someone clearly better comes along and makes them a solid offer, but men very rarely outright leave their wives to take up full time with someone else. The motivating factor for men stepping out is not to replace but to add more to. They key would here is "more." It is for more sex, more attention, more fun and excitement, more women. They typically have no desire to divorce or get rid of anything they have: they simply want to add more to the stable. It's not about being dissatisfied with the wife and replacing her with the OW. It's about having both. ...and if that goes ok, even adding another and another and another. The reason he says he wants to "work on things" but still sees OW is because he likes the comfort and convenience of having a wife and family at home, but wants the extra fun and sex and attention of OW too. .....and so far it's been working for him so why should he go through the trouble and expense of divorcing you?? And besides, she is likely not good wife and/or mother material so what benefit would it be to him to take her on fulltime. Whether it's about male or female cheaters, adultery is rarely about replacing the old with new. It is about selfishness, entitlement, greed etc and it is about seeking to get what they can even though it hurts others. That is basically the "why?" to every question you will ask. The answer to every "why?" Question will be greed, entitlement, selfishness and disregard for others. It all boils down to flawed character on the part of the cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 You want and OPEN MARRIAGE? And you are here to complain about his alleged EAs? I don't think she meant open marriage as sex with other people, but rather meant open and honest communication between she and her H. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 This couldn't be farther from the truth. I have spent quite a few nights drinking with friends from the opposite sex. Slept many nights on their couches and even shared a bed once. Zero sex was had because they are just friends. I think Confused48 meant when the affair trappings of secrecy, emotional connection and excitement are already in place. I'm going to assume when you "shared a bed once", it wasn't with a partner at home whom you subsequently lied to... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Confused48, I don't think it's the "he has to live with just the girl on the side." that's motivating him. It's more that he won't see his kid everyday and the financial consequences of ending a marriage that he is not too keen on. I guess he thought I would never leave. I don't know. I'm sure finances and shared custody are also factors. I did not mean to imply that those things were not also important. So are you thinking of taking him back? This couldn't be farther from the truth. I have spent quite a few nights drinking with friends from the opposite sex. Slept many nights on their couches and even shared a bed once. Zero sex was had because they are just friends. Sorry, I did put that in absolute terms. Of course there are the exceptions. I don't think it is all that common though for two mature adults of the opposite sex to spend A LOT OF time, alone, unless there is sex involved. Nights out with mutual friends is not at all uncommon but pairing off and going home alone together, often, that is a huge red flag. Especially if one of them is married. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 (edited) Just sounds like someone trying to ride the gravy train til it ends. He wants it all and is trying to walk the line as long as possible. He probably just has a burner phone, which means he doesn't care if you look at his phone. There was a period of time (I am ashamed to admit) that I lead my BH on, when I went back to my AP. In my mind, at the time, I felt confused, not sure of what I wanted. I was scared, afraid to make any firm decisions either way. But I certainly didn't feel as brazen as your H sounds. I can't tell if it's confusion on his part, but he's really pushing boundaries. "Hanging out" with another woman (I don't care what he calls it), when you guys are supposed to be working on your marriage is completely unacceptable. I wouldn't let him have any benefit of a relationship with you. Cold, dark NC, or whatever is necessary to manage children if you have to. But that's it. I'm sorry. Edited February 22, 2017 by Southern Sun Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 My sister went though you are going though. Even thought he was the one that was basically out of the house emotionally she found it very difficult to be the one to file and he would not. He did not want to be the bad "guy". Yep, yet another example of a person who cannot accept responsibility for their actions. No sense of self-awareness, it is always yes, but...... Years ago I read that the majority of divorces are filed by women. The poster thought it indicated a common lack of commitment by woman. Yea right, bet your husband thinks the same way. Any time you spend trying to talk about it now is time wasted. This is what you need to do in addition to seeing a lawyer http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 When I first found out that my wife had cheated I asked why for a long time. The only single answer that I ever got and was able to accept was "because she wanted to". I don't know if you're trapped by the existential WHY?!?!?! like I was but if you were I hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
EveryWomanJ2911 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snow7 Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 How are you doing? Thanks for asking! It's up and down. It's hard right now, because although I'm moving out, but it won't be for another 5 weeks, so things are awkward and in limbo. We have a special needs child that we will need to care for for the rest of our lives so I'm trying to separate in a way to maintain some type of friendship and the best possible co-parenting relationship. "He might come pleading and professing undying love for you". He did for the first 2 days but things have settled down. Maybe he has had a chance to process everything, and realized it's for the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EveryWomanJ2911 Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 (edited) Do you have a support system in place? Its really helpful and encouraging to have all the help you can get for dealing with life from this "limbo" point, especially with a special needs child. There are a lot of great resources online that offer free counseling, co-parenting tips, support groups, and general legal info on separations/divorces if things continue in that direction. However, if things take a different turn and you are able to reconcile, there are many free resources for accountability, couples therapy, and communication that gets to the heart of the issues you've mentioned. Mainly, healing and change only happen when he decides he wants help, nothing else will change him. He has to want it personally. Addicts can break negative cycles, but they have to set their heart on doing that. I wish that he would do that, but regardless, prepare and do what you can to get educated on setting healthy boundaries and any legal issues dealing with custody. Don't get blindsided, get informed and go from there. (You might find the info below helpful.) ~Blessings and Peace When You Need A Comforting Voice | A Listly List http://bit.ly/2lieBq5 Edited February 24, 2017 by EveryWomanJ2911 Link to post Share on other sites
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