Friends GF broke up with him, started dating me, disappeared out of thin air

[Of The Rebellion]

Long time lurker here. Looking for any advice I can get regarding this situation I've got myself in. It's a long story but I'll try to keep it to the point as possible. I'd put this under the dating subthread, but I feel this forum is more appropriate.

 

Backstory: My best friend's girlfriend of 6 years broke up with him about 3 months ago. I have always fancied this girl, her and I get along great and there has always been underlying feelings and attraction for each other. It took me years to get these feelings under control, I had to stop talking to and seeing my friend for 2 years because of this. I told the girl why I had to stop being around her, and almost ended up admitting my love to her at that time. I bit my tongue because I did not want to put her in an awkward situation. I started hanging out with my friend again years later, ended up getting back into contact with her again. *Disclosure: I know I'm a horrible friend for catching feelings for his then girlfriend. I did my best to handle them, but they are incredibly strong and my attraction to her is electric. I did date and hook up with other girls during the time they dated, but this girl I could never shake from my mind. I really do believe she is the one. I am 27 she is 25*

 

About a month before their actual breakup, she texted me saying we need to talk ASAP, that she could not hold in what she had to say anymore. We ended meeting at her house and she told me that she has feelings for me and has for years, and that she was breaking up with my friend. At first I was ecstatic, I have been in love with this girl for years. I have always felt she felt the same way, and hearing her say that, her having the balls to call me over and say it all in so plain words, I was absolutely blown away in such a great way. But then reality set in. I asked her how could we possibly date, be public, have a successful relationship when she was fresh out of a 6 year relationship? (her first boyfriend) How would all of our friends and everyone else feel and judge us, if she/we could deal with all that. Also, I kind of grilled her for telling this to me while she was still dating him. Why could she not have waited until they were broken up, done her single thing, recover, then told me about it? We both agreed it was crazy, but we lamented that our feelings were strong and that we could make it work out. In hindsight, I should have listened to my gut. I was selfish and greedy though, my dream girl came to me and confirmed she had feelings for me for years. I was weak and could not say no. We proceeded to start dating.

 

Everything was great, for the past 3 months. We saw each other frequently, communicated well, spoke about any issues or concerns we had, we had great sex and both of us were very happy. We spent Christmas and the holidays together and frequently slept over each other's houses. We were exclusive and I considered us boyfriend/girlfriend without the title as did she. We spoke about the future together and everything seemed fine. I did have concerns that she wasn't giving me 100% and voiced them to her, she said that she was still having troubles with her breakup and was feeling guilty about the whole thing. I completely understood this, and asked if she still wished to see each other. She said yes, that we've had such a great time so far and are amazing together, that everything just flows, and that time would heal it. Fast forward to now.

 

I have not spoke with her since Valentines Day 7 days ago, and have not seen her for 10 days now. We wished each other a happy Valentines Day and that is the last I've heard from her. I have not initiated any contact with her because I am always the one to make plans, or invite her over my place. I spoke with a good mutual friend of her and I at the gym, and he said that she had been coming to him asking for advice on the ex boyfriend. If it was OK to go over his house, to call and text him, all that. I figured out that she had been going over there every other week or so since they've been broken up. I don't know if they were hooking up, I don't think so but it is definitely possible.

 

I have decided to not contact her, I don't see a point in reaching out to her if she has not said anything to me in over a week and is still hanging out with her ex boyfriend. I am heartbroken because everything was going fantastic, and I honestly thought we were on track to a great future. It's hard because we went from hanging out and communicating all the time to nothing at the drop of a dime. I feel as if I got no closure. It's easy to see now she is not over the ex and that is probably the reason of her disappearance, and I probably deserve the situation to be honest. I really did not think I was a rebound. My question is, do you think in the future we have a chance? I am in no means waiting for her on the sideline. But I wonder if she sorts out her issues, if we can make things work. Any idea what's going through her mind? If I should reach out to her and see why she stopped talking to me? What I can do to stay sane about all this? Any insight on this would be greatly appreciated

Edited February 22, 2017 by Of The Rebellion

[Space Ritual]

That was quite a story.

 

I do have a coupe of thoughts.

 

You must understand it is literally impossible to wipe out 6 years of a relationship in the course of a few months. You may have known her that long and have been with her for 3 months. Regardless of what she tells you she is not going to be able to just "turn it off" regarding her ex.

 

Something as well I am sure you are aware of is the following:

 

There is no way around the fact that even though your intent may not have been as such, you come off in this story as looking not only like quite a terrible friend to somebody, but also as someone that is a bit deserving of a comeuppance. So some of the advice you are going to receive may in fact be colored by that thought process.

 

That being said, I think that your gf is not able to turn off those 6 years, feels a bit guilty for breaking up with him for one of his friends, and in the process of this guilt has now been sleeping with both of you.

 

As a matter of fact, I would now not be a bit surprised if your ex friend is feeling a little bit like he has gotten some modicum of revenge on you. I mean after all. she did break up with him...kinda...sorta...because she is still banging him.

 

This is one of the bad things that can happen when someone covets their friend's lover. It is one of those things to be careful when you wish for it because you just may get it. And you got it and it has not been what you wanted.

 

Don't look for closure. Closure is fleeting at best and you are not going to get any answer that you find satisfactory This chick is all over the board and rather than deal with an issue she is more than happy to make it worse by banging both of you as long as she can with no real repercussions. And although she is a scumbag herself, by going back and banging her ex on the side, she has effectively left you holding the bag as far as who looks really bad in your ex friend's eyes.

 

In short, although it sucks, you should have known better than to screw around with this chick in the first place. Navigating around with your friend's gf right out of the gate is a minefield at best, and you totally stepped on a Claymore.

 

Just cut contact with her. No good is going to come out of this at all. You are going o force people to choose sides for your own selfish reasons at the current rate. You don't need any more enemies. I think you've probably made a few over the past 3 months.

 

Sorry, just the way I see it. Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

God Luck.