Am i overreacting or my husband? (mother in law problem)

[adna89]

My mother in law will be visiting us from an other country ,to meet our newborn.She will be staying here 2 weeks.Now here is the problem.She and i do not really get along.She is very dominant and will never stop in arguments.I said to my husband once she is here i do not want her to clean around,make food and stuff like that(she is known to want to "help" once she is over at her other dil house.) here my husband said i am not fair and she will just become angry and he does not want to start fights with her while she is here,he also thinks i am not fair because i want her just to sit for 15 days.Here we started fighting and he said i am trying to destroy his relationship to his mom

 

Am i overreacting or is he,what can we do? this is destroying our marriage

[d0nnivain]

It's 2 weeks. Let her clean & cook anything she wants. Take the time to sleep or play with your newborn. Congrats on the baby, BTW. See her as a blessing not a rival & remember every day she is there is one day closer to when she is leaving.

[NTV]

You have a babysitter for two weeks. See if you can't plan dates with hubby!

[Mr. Lucky]

My mother in law will be visiting us from an other country ,to meet our newborn.

 

She's flying halfway round the world to cook and clean for you - and you think she's the problem?

 

There's obviously some other issue at work here, the entire tone of your post is combative and she's not even here yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chix]

You've been given lots of good advice above. Let her do all the jobs she is willing to do, freeing you up to do things you normally cannot! I'd make a peremptive list of everything that needs doing, and hang it somewhere, and divide up tasks between everyone. I also find it a good tactic generally to keep argumentative people busy, so they can't focus on arguing (I use this in work situations a lot).

 

Plan something lovely for yourself on the day she leaves, so you can focus on that any time you are frustrated.

 

Spring is on the horizon. If possible, and trouble is brewing, get everyone outside walking, running and playing until the oxytocin kicks in and the mood improves. Exercise is a great defence against dark moods.

 

Best of luck. Family situations aren't always easy. Your hubby is in a bit of an impossible situation, and seems to just want everything to pass peacefully.

[mikeylo]

I hope your child doesnt say the same when you go and visit to see your grandchild

[aileD]

Your husband is right. You are wrong.

 

You are entitled to your feelings.

 

It's two weeks. Suck it up

[BaileyB]

Agree with all the other posters.

 

You are very sensitive to this idea, but I'm not really sure why. Perhaps you are actually more similar than different, you mirror each other and that causes conflict. But, she is your husbands mother and she is coming to meet her grandchild! And it's only two weeks... You wouldn't be the first to "suffer" though a visit with the in laws for the sake of her husband and children.

 

A wise woman would pick her battles, and I don't think this is a battle you want to fight. It will cause significant resentment for your husband. Be gracious.

[Els]

What on earth is wrong with her cooking and cleaning in your house? Why would anyone complain about having a free housekeeper? I mean, I could understand it not being worth it if she has an abrasive personality, but given that she is already going to be there, how is her not cooking/cleaning going to make things any better?

 

IMO, you need to learn to pick your battles.

[BettyDraper]

When your MIL cooks and cleans, does she criticize the way you do such chores?

I'm asking because I'm trying to see why you don't want your MIL helping.

 

I think that you're still angry with your MIL because of your past issues with her. Quite frankly, I don't understand why she is staying for two weeks since you hate her so much.

 

You have two underlying issues here. The first one is that you feel like your husband doesn't consider your feelings when it comes to his mother. Secondly, you haven't been able to get over your problems with your MIL because there hasn't been any resolution.

[Midwestmissy]

Harsh replies. I have horrific mother in law problems. Maybe her husband behaves more like a son than husband when mom is around. That triangle dynamic makes the op the outsider in her marriage. Frankly 2 wks under 1 roof is a very long time, although I see it's because of the distance.

 

Your h needs to make sure he's on your side and supports you in your home. You're the new mother. You need the help. You need boundaries that your h will enforce. I agree that taking the cooking and cleaning help is a good idea. But if your h is going to ignore you and cater to his mother thru this, you are going to be miserable.

 

My mil is a hammer and everyone in the world is a nail. She destroys relationships because she can. Then she bats her eyes, cries and says everyone has misunderstood her noble intentions, she loves everyone sooooo much and would never hurt a soul. But she leaves scorched earth in her wake. It's a head game. And the number one rule is to deny that the game exists. Enforce your boundaries now. This is your family, your home. Use her and let her know that she has no power to upset you. Smile, agree and do what you need to do.

 

She may live a long time like mine.

[Mr. Lucky]

Enforce your boundaries now. This is your family, your home. Use her and let her know that she has no power to upset you. Smile, agree and do what you need to do.

 

Any approach has to be tempered by the fact that this is the woman that raised your husband and she's due some honor and deference in the regard. My MIL was a disruptive force when visiting but, for my wife's sake, I was very low key. Heck, if hurricane victims can survive in a Red Cross shelter for two weeks, I can deal with my spouse's Mom for the same amount of time.

 

My wife's lazy nephew Jim who can't hold a job, no hesitation in reading him the riot act. But any of either set of parents should get a full measure of (temporary) consideration...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

She should be given deference not only as your husband's mother, but as your child's grandmother.

 

Hey, I get it... No woman likes having another woman come into her home and take over. You have to have some healthy boundaries and obviously, your husband should be sensitive to your feelings. But unless her attitude or behavior is purposefully hurtful or disrespectful, just try and be kind and gracious...

[Whoknew30]

Wether you like her or not, you already are looking for an issue & if one looks for a issues they usually can find it.

 

Who cares if she cooks for her son & or helps with the baby? Doesn't that help out a new mother?...having peeing contest with the woman that raised your husband won't get you very far. Someone can only argue if they have someone else is arguing back, if she wants problems just walk away & leave her with no one to argue with & or let your husband deal with it...but you're just as bad if you're already planning on telling her what she can & can not do before she evens walks through the door...honestly it sounds more like you're looking for a problem vs trying to obtain peace.

 

I can't stand my MIL but better believe i handed her my kids as babies & took advantage of the break! Be smarter than her, good luck!

[d0nnivain]

I have horrific mother in law problems.

 

 

This is your family, your home. Use her and let her know that she has no power to upset you. Smile, agree and do what you need to do. .

 

 

I'm fortunate. My MILS (I actually have 2) are dolls. However, even if OPs MIL is a freakin' nightmare, it's still only 2 weeks. If the OP plasters a smile on her face, takes advantage of whatever work this woman does & counts down until her departure, it will all be fine.

[SJS]

Just the thought of having my MIL spend one night makes me cringe, I can't imagine 2 weeks! However, I do agree with your husband that she can't just sit for 2 weeks. What harm is there letting her cook or run the dust rag around? You may welcome another set of arms to hold the baby so you can actually take a shower. Honestly, I think you might be jumping the gun. It might not be as bad as what you're anticipating...especially to go as far as to say it's destroying your marriage!

[rester]

OP, can you summarize your past issues with your MIL? I haven't read your previous threads but I skimmed a few and it looks like you've been having issues with her and your husband for years. Without that context I suspect most members that reply to you are not going to understand why you feel the way you do.

[chix]

Harsh replies. I have horrific mother in law problems. Maybe her husband behaves more like a son than husband when mom is around. That triangle dynamic makes the op the outsider in her marriage. Frankly 2 wks under 1 roof is a very long time, although I see it's because of the distance.

 

Your h needs to make sure he's on your side and supports you in your home. You're the new mother. You need the help. You need boundaries that your h will enforce. I agree that taking the cooking and cleaning help is a good idea. But if your h is going to ignore you and cater to his mother thru this, you are going to be miserable.

 

My mil is a hammer and everyone in the world is a nail. She destroys relationships because she can. Then she bats her eyes, cries and says everyone has misunderstood her noble intentions, she loves everyone sooooo much and would never hurt a soul. But she leaves scorched earth in her wake. It's a head game. And the number one rule is to deny that the game exists. Enforce your boundaries now. This is your family, your home. Use her and let her know that she has no power to upset you. Smile, agree and do what you need to do.

 

She may live a long time like mine.

 

Just wanting to comment on this if I may. I don't think the replies were harsh, because people are responding to the info given. Naturally, had we been given info about the mother in law being [awful attribute], saying [awful comment] or doing [spiteful thing], our responses would have been different, but we haven't been given any examples to jump to such a conclusion. In this case, I feel the responses are a fair reflection, until we learn otherwise. Not trying to be combative with this post; just wanting to explain the trend in posts, and why it's different to your response.

[d0nnivain]

I did go back & re-read earlier posts.

 

 

MIL is not a good person. She apparently says things like her son (OP's husband) would be better off married to somebody else.

 

 

My advice stands. Let MIL come & USE her for an extra pair of hands with the new baby to cook & clean to her mean old heart's content. If she thinks she can clean better than you, adna89, let her. That's one less thing you have to do. Let her make whatever food she wants. Freeze it. Then when you are too tired or busy to cook, feed your husband his mom's food while you eat what you want.

 

 

It really is only 2 weeks & then the old bat will leave again. You can do this!

[Midwestmissy]

Chix, I think people respond based on their experiences. "Bad mother in law" could mean a huge range of things, from annoying but benign, to horrific. Clearly, you know where mine lands.

 

I'm dealing with 30 yrs of this. I wish I had put boundaries in place earlier. Not to be mean, but to keep myself from being manipulated. In my attempt to be nice, I let her walk on me and my family. I hope the op sets boundaries that will be respected. My mil drives a truck through any weakness because that's her nature. It's not because I'm her daughter in law, this is how all her relationships are. Those who stand firm to her are pushed out of her life, which is where I am now. It's liberating.