31 & Trapped in My Marriage

[LostNtrapped]

I want to start this off by saying this is my 1st post here and I am going to try not to get too stuck in the past history. I feel stuck in my marriage and that my husband is holding me back. I'm 31 and have been married just about 10 years, together almost 12 years and we have two children(5 1/2, and almost 3 yrs old)

 

A little background with us is we met online many years ago and started dating. He told me he was a virgin and I let him know that I wasn't. I can say that we never had that passionate spark sort of feeling. I always attributed it to him being a virgin and not being sexually confident. A few years into our relationship I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. He told me that if I left him, that he would never take me back. I couldn't risk losing him at that point so I decided to stay. we never go out and do things, he would agree to and then flake the day of the event, even after I got tickets. Why get me all excited and then hurt me?

 

I figured over the years maybe a spark could ignite......fast forward a bunch of years. The sex never got any better, but I did love him as a man, still do love him. We went through some really rocky points in our marriage with him secretly sexting other women. I kept forgiving him for the sake of our family. At this point we had our son a toddler at the time, and I was pregnant with our 2nd child. Everything seemed great, yes the sex wasn't mindblowing but we got along, we bought a house etc. Fast forward to when I'm 6-7 months along, having just moved into our house a few months earlier, I caught him sexting yet again. He always made excuses for it, said he needed to talk to you yada yada.

 

Since our son was born my husband had always pushed me away when I wanted sex, we obviously have differing sex drives. I always want sex, anytime, anywhere lol. He is more conservative. I honestly think he just isnt honest with himself and hides his urges, he will never admit to that though.

 

After years of feeling ignored and brushed off I finally had enough and wanted to end the marriage. I told him I didn't want him anymore and I wanted out. Here is where it gets even more complicated.

 

I am unable to work and have been a stay at home mother since we had our son. I have no where to go and no way to support myself and the kids. This is why I ended up reconciling with my husband. I never actually left the marital home because i refused to leave without my kids. I did make a huge mistake of being with another man during this separation, call it a weak point for me, I just needed to feel what I haven't felt in over a decade. I gave in to it and it was the best sex of my life. I came back to reality though and realized I couldn't leave without putting my kids in situations they shouldn't be in and my husband forgave me and here we are.

 

It has been a bit over 2 years since our separation and nothing has really changed. I feel like he is sucking the life out of me. He always has excuses for why we never do anything. I don't want to hurt him, he isn't a bad man, but we are just not good that way. He thinks we are, but he has nothing to compare it to. He thinks how this is , is normal. Idk, I'm at a loss and have no idea what to do. I don't want to end my marriage solely because of selfish reasons like sex and fulfillment.

[S2B]

Neither one of you respect each other.

 

See an attorney to find out what your rights are if you file for divorce. I would think you'd get child support and spousal support to help pay expenses.

 

No need in staying when neither one isn't happy and seem to be settling.

 

Hopefully you aren't delusional about the guy you had an affair with.

 

 

No one is ever "trapped" -if you want out you simply file and through things by compromising.

[NTV]

Why can't you work?

[LostNtrapped]

Why can't you work?

 

 

I almost died having our son and have since been left in constant pain. After he almost watched me die, he was sexting women. I didn't find out until months later.

[NTV]

I almost died having our son and have since been left in constant pain. After he almost watched me die, he was sexting women. I didn't find out until months later.

 

Ouch. That kind of betrayal has got to still hurt. Do you have friends or family around you can lean on?

 

Can you file for disability for chronic pain?

[LostNtrapped]

Ouch. That kind of betrayal has got to still hurt. Do you have friends or family around you can lean on?

 

Can you file for disability for chronic pain?

 

I don't have anyone that can help me, no. My parents lost their home recently and I don't have close friends since I relocated to be with my husband.

 

I don't qualify for disability due to the work credit requirement. I am actively looking for a work from home opportunity and finishing my college degree. I will somehow found a way to work again, I just am unable to in my current situation.

[LostNtrapped]

Neither one of you respect each other.

 

See an attorney to find out what your rights are if you file for divorce. I would think you'd get child support and spousal support to help pay expenses.

 

No need in staying when neither one isn't happy and seem to be settling.

 

Hopefully you aren't delusional about the guy you had an affair with.

 

 

No one is ever "trapped" -if you want out you simply file and through things by compromising.

 

 

The guy I was with is just that. I'm not basing my marriage ending on some guy. People can be trapped yes, unless I want to take my kids and live in a shelter(something they don't deserve to experience, then I am trapped here until I can provide a better option for them) My husband isn't a bad guy, and I want more than anything to make this marriage work, but I feel like I'm just wasting my time and that we will always be in this cycle.

[Mumbles]

Sounds like nothing really more complicated than basic sexual incompatibility. The lack of an initial 'spark' flagged that one. If you weren't feeling all sexually tingly when you met and got to know him then it was in all probability never ever going to arrive.

 

You've both settled into married life with all the trappings, from the sound of it, except sex. People pooh-pooh it all the time, but for some people, me included, sex is the foundation upon which all other things are built - sounds horrible now that I write it, but theres nothing to be gained by lying to yourself.

 

You've both cheated, and recovered from that - by the lack of words around this subject can I safely assume that though of course it would have been an emotional time ultimately it wasn't a big deal?

 

I'll bring up the subject of open marriage here, but won't pursue it as it wouldn't be my go-to solution in the first instance. Still, I mention it, let it roll around in your mind for a while as you pursue other solutions.

 

I suspect that a good solid long period with a couples therapist, or more probably a sex therapist might well fix everything right up. You'll get all kinds of objections from your husband as it assaults a mans pride, but it would definitely be worth trying.

[S2B]

I don't have anyone that can help me, no. My parents lost their home recently and I don't have close friends since I relocated to be with my husband.

 

I don't qualify for disability due to the work credit requirement. I am actively looking for a work from home opportunity and finishing my college degree. I will somehow found a way to work again, I just am unable to in my current situation.

 

Check with an attorney. You would get support money. File and receive the money then move out into your own place. Line up a place to rent so you know where you'll be going.

 

You'll also be entitled to half the house proceeds when you sell it.

 

 

You'll have money - you just need to do the paperwork to have it ordered by the court. State in the court papers that you can't work and need help with the kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

Idk, I'm at a loss and have no idea what to do. I don't want to end my marriage solely because of selfish reasons like sex and fulfillment.

 

You have real-life choices to make, just like everyone else. No one gets it all so the key becomes appreciating what you have and prioritizing it over that which you feel is missing.

 

With all the issues in your relationship - infidelity, sexting, conflict avoidance, etc - counseling would of great help. Sounds like you've rugswept many things as a couple, resentment is the ultimate result. Hard to see things getting better on their own...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostNtrapped]

Sounds like nothing really more complicated than basic sexual incompatibility. The lack of an initial 'spark' flagged that one. If you weren't feeling all sexually tingly when you met and got to know him then it was in all probability never ever going to arrive.

 

You've both settled into married life with all the trappings, from the sound of it, except sex. People pooh-pooh it all the time, but for some people, me included, sex is the foundation upon which all other things are built - sounds horrible now that I write it, but theres nothing to be gained by lying to yourself.

 

You've both cheated, and recovered from that - by the lack of words around this subject can I safely assume that though of course it would have been an emotional time ultimately it wasn't a big deal?

 

I'll bring up the subject of open marriage here, but won't pursue it as it wouldn't be my go-to solution in the first instance. Still, I mention it, let it roll around in your mind for a while as you pursue other solutions.

 

I suspect that a good solid long period with a couples therapist, or more probably a sex therapist might well fix everything right up. You'll get all kinds of objections from your husband as it assaults a mans pride, but it would definitely be worth trying.

 

Thank you for responding, I am willing to try anything so we can make this work. My husband is more resistant when it comes to counseling and therapy. I'm hoping in time he will be more willing to try it again. We went to one session and I had to drag him to that. He truly is my best friend and he has been by my side through so many obstacles in life. I want nothing more than to grow old with him. I appreciate the actual advice too and that you didn't just try to pick my post apart and judge us.

[LostNtrapped]

Check with an attorney. You would get support money. File and receive the money then move out into your own place. Line up a place to rent so you know where you'll be going.

 

You'll also be entitled to half the house proceeds when you sell it.

 

 

You'll have money - you just need to do the paperwork to have it ordered by the court. State in the court papers that you can't work and need help with the kids.

 

 

Yea, not exactly the route I would take. I don't want to ruin him financially for my own sake. I wouldn't want him to have to sell the house either, he has worked his ass off for the house. Financially hurting him and forcing the house to be sold would also affect the kids as well. I know I'm in the minority with those stances. If I truly end up leaving then I know that may be something I would have to consider, although I would try to find another way.

[LostNtrapped]

You have real-life choices to make, just like everyone else. No one gets it all so the key becomes appreciating what you have and prioritizing it over that which you feel is missing.

 

With all the issues in your relationship - infidelity, sexting, conflict avoidance, etc - counseling would of great help. Sounds like you've rugswept many things as a couple, resentment is the ultimate result. Hard to see things getting better on their own...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you, 80/20 rule sort of thing. I do hope counseling will become more of an option for us, I don't think we are completely unable to save the marriage.

[sac555]

Thank you, 80/20 rule sort of thing. I do hope counseling will become more of an option for us, I don't think we are completely unable to save the marriage.

 

Dear OP, It sounds to me like you two really do love each other, but need some help communicating verbally.. and sexually. I would be like you, not wanting to end the marriage but to keep working on it. Your history with him and the kids, your family, etc is certainly worth fighting for.

Sounds like he has some feelings of not being satisfied sexually too...I have never known a sex therapist, and as a pretty conservative gal, (not prudish, just careful! haha) I would be careful about what a sex therapist says! haha. (are there christian sex therapists? I'd feel more comfortable with one! ha)

We had an awesome counselor within our church that helped with marriages...and we went to him for a couple of sessions several years ago and he had great suggestions for us to explore each other's needs talking, and in the bedroom.

I'm praying for a great ending of this season for you, and that you two will have many decades of happy marriage ahead...

[S2B]

Why not sit your husband down and be real with him?

 

Explain that you feel trapped and want counseling and the relationship to improve so you don't divorce.

 

Obviously you both need to find ways to face the cheating and grow the bond tighter - it doesn't happen on its own.

[oldshirt]

Think of me like that obnoxious, bachelor uncle that everyone has that says things that make the aunts and grandmothers cringe at Christmas dinner, but you know what he says is right and you know that he is saying it because he loves you and wants what's best for you.

 

You were young and dumb kids that shouldn't have gotten married in the first place at that stage in your lives and you probably weren't a good match even if you had met later in life.

 

But here you are 10 years and two kids later so lets focus on moving forward rather than moaning about the past.

 

You are still young and vigorous and have a long life ahead of you. Start working for your future. You mentioned school, that is good. Stay in school and keep working towards getting an education and job training. Get some kind of job, any job, no matter how small and start squirreling away money and developing good job skills and build up good references and job history and do a lot of good networking.

 

Start developing a vision for your future and envision where you want to be six months, one year, two years, 5 years and beyond and every day take steps towards those visions.

 

Get your financial and legal paperwork and affairs in order. keep working on getting your education/job training, work on getting a job and building your job skills and work reputation and work towards developing a career.

 

Start planning on what you will need and what you will need to have in place for your exit and how to sustain yourself and your children once you have left.

 

Even if it may be another one, two, three or even more years before you can finally leave, meet with a lawyer and financial advisor now so you can learn the facts of what your legal and financial rights and responsibilities will be in regards to divorcing and starting a new chapter in your life.

 

You may have been young and dumb and made some mistakes at 21. But you are now a grown woman with children and you can still grown up and take responsibility and do the things you need to do to build a good future and a good life for yourself and your children.

 

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Start working on tomorrow today. Get an education/training. Get a source of income. start saving money. Arm yourself with factual information of how the divorce process works and what you need to do and what resources and infrastructure you will need to have in place. And every day take one step closer to your vision of your future.

[elaine567]

Listen to oldshirt.

Much better to have a well thought out plan, than leave with your kids in a huff one stormy night when it all gets too much for you.

 

YOU know in your heart this has no future.

Take charge and make a better life for you and your kids.

[VeveCakes]

Can you leave without the kids? Is he a good father? Until you get settled?

 

I have a hard time believing he has no sex drive when he is sexting other women. Is he still attracted to you?

[aileD]

I applaud you for wanting to save your marriage. Many people made good points here: You both don't really respect each other, counseling would help, its not impossible to get out, etc.

 

However there is one thing that is worrisome to me. You mentioned he's more reserved sexually and doesn't want it as much as you.....BUT ...he's sexting OTHER people. Don't kid yourself. He wants sex, he just doesn't seem to want it from you for some reason. That is the heart of the issue that you guys need to work on. Maybe he watches too much porn, maybe he has a weird fetish he's embarrassed about, maybe your body changed a little after the baby, maybe seeing you almost die could have something to do with him not wanting to have sex with you after the baby. Not sure, you really need counseling to help figure it out.

 

Marriage isn't always perfect and you won't always be able to check off all the items on your "perfect relationship" checklist....you have to make concessions somewhere....it doesn't sound like this is a place that you are willing (or ABLE) to live without. So something needs to change. You know that. He seems to want to hide from it.

 

What I would suggest is that you go to counseling on your own. They'll help you figure out you and also some tips to dealing with your husband. Maybe seeing you go will spark something in him. Be open with him. Let him know you feel like the marriage can't survive if he's not willing to join you on the journey to healing it. You can't force him to....you have to accept that. You can't do it alone and if he's not willing to put in his part then you may end up divorced. But you should do everything YOU can to know that you put all your heart, soul, sweat and tears into trying to make it work.

 

Also, if you can't move out...move out of the bedroom. Move into a different room of the house and keep your space from him (if you want to separate but can't afford to move). Just because you can't afford to move doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship

 

I do wish you luck. I am working on saving my marriage after my husbands affair and it's NOT easy...but he's INVOLVED....we couldn't do it if it was just all me trying to fix it....He's got to be there too

[LostNtrapped]

Can you leave without the kids? Is he a good father? Until you get settled?

 

I have a hard time believing he has no sex drive when he is sexting other women. Is he still attracted to you?

 

There is no way I'd leave without them. He is a great dad in ways, but can't handle the daily pressures of the kids. As far as sex drive goes, I never said he had no sex drive. He and I just have different sex drives and needs. I'm a very sexual person, and I would have it daily if not more. He on the other hand is okay with a couple times a week if that. I'm willing to compromise, but even a couple times a week rarely happens He is definitely still attracted to me, and I am to him.

[LostNtrapped]

Think of me like that obnoxious, bachelor uncle that everyone has that says things that make the aunts and grandmothers cringe at Christmas dinner, but you know what he says is right and you know that he is saying it because he loves you and wants what's best for you.

 

You were young and dumb kids that shouldn't have gotten married in the first place at that stage in your lives and you probably weren't a good match even if you had met later in life.

 

But here you are 10 years and two kids later so lets focus on moving forward rather than moaning about the past.

 

You are still young and vigorous and have a long life ahead of you. Start working for your future. You mentioned school, that is good. Stay in school and keep working towards getting an education and job training. Get some kind of job, any job, no matter how small and start squirreling away money and developing good job skills and build up good references and job history and do a lot of good networking.

 

Start developing a vision for your future and envision where you want to be six months, one year, two years, 5 years and beyond and every day take steps towards those visions.

 

Get your financial and legal paperwork and affairs in order. keep working on getting your education/job training, work on getting a job and building your job skills and work reputation and work towards developing a career.

 

Start planning on what you will need and what you will need to have in place for your exit and how to sustain yourself and your children once you have left.

 

Even if it may be another one, two, three or even more years before you can finally leave, meet with a lawyer and financial advisor now so you can learn the facts of what your legal and financial rights and responsibilities will be in regards to divorcing and starting a new chapter in your life.

 

You may have been young and dumb and made some mistakes at 21. But you are now a grown woman with children and you can still grown up and take responsibility and do the things you need to do to build a good future and a good life for yourself and your children.

 

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. Start working on tomorrow today. Get an education/training. Get a source of income. start saving money. Arm yourself with factual information of how the divorce process works and what you need to do and what resources and infrastructure you will need to have in place. And every day take one step closer to your vision of your future.

 

 

This sounds like a solid plan and idea, what is stopping me from doing this very thing is my health and medical limitations. I have to find that unicorn of all work from home jobs in order to be able to have a chance at working again. I'm not sure if or when that will happen.

[LostNtrapped]

I applaud you for wanting to save your marriage. Many people made good points here: You both don't really respect each other, counseling would help, its not impossible to get out, etc.

 

However there is one thing that is worrisome to me. You mentioned he's more reserved sexually and doesn't want it as much as you.....BUT ...he's sexting OTHER people. Don't kid yourself. He wants sex, he just doesn't seem to want it from you for some reason. That is the heart of the issue that you guys need to work on. Maybe he watches too much porn, maybe he has a weird fetish he's embarrassed about, maybe your body changed a little after the baby, maybe seeing you almost die could have something to do with him not wanting to have sex with you after the baby. Not sure, you really need counseling to help figure it out.

 

Marriage isn't always perfect and you won't always be able to check off all the items on your "perfect relationship" checklist....you have to make concessions somewhere....it doesn't sound like this is a place that you are willing (or ABLE) to live without. So something needs to change. You know that. He seems to want to hide from it.

 

What I would suggest is that you go to counseling on your own. They'll help you figure out you and also some tips to dealing with your husband. Maybe seeing you go will spark something in him. Be open with him. Let him know you feel like the marriage can't survive if he's not willing to join you on the journey to healing it. You can't force him to....you have to accept that. You can't do it alone and if he's not willing to put in his part then you may end up divorced. But you should do everything YOU can to know that you put all your heart, soul, sweat and tears into trying to make it work.

 

Also, if you can't move out...move out of the bedroom. Move into a different room of the house and keep your space from him (if you want to separate but can't afford to move). Just because you can't afford to move doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship

 

I do wish you luck. I am working on saving my marriage after my husbands affair and it's NOT easy...but he's INVOLVED....we couldn't do it if it was just all me trying to fix it....He's got to be there too

 

Thanks for your response. I am a very open minded person sexually and would be down for almost anything. I do think that he doesn't feel comfortable being as open with his sexual feelings and has always kept that side of himself hidden from everyone. I see a therapist already to deal with my chronic pain. I'd like to go to couples counseling at some point too. I truly just want to help him. I love him so much and just want him to be able to express his sexual side without feeling like id judge him. He grew up in a very conservative household and was unable to express certain things. I on the other hand grew up in a house that embraced being an individual and flying your freak flag. I am willing to do anything that will help him and myself to allow us to be able to make things work.

[Mumbles]

Thanks for your response. I am a very open minded person sexually and would be down for almost anything. I do think that he doesn't feel comfortable being as open with his sexual feelings and has always kept that side of himself hidden from everyone. I see a therapist already to deal with my chronic pain. I'd like to go to couples counseling at some point too. I truly just want to help him. I love him so much and just want him to be able to express his sexual side without feeling like id judge him. He grew up in a very conservative household and was unable to express certain things. I on the other hand grew up in a house that embraced being an individual and flying your freak flag. I am willing to do anything that will help him and myself to allow us to be able to make things work.

 

Sounds like he is full of inhibitions... and you are not. Basic basic problem. The sexting isn't real and he can 'go nuts' within the realm of his own fantasy limits.

 

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist on your own, though maybe even solo sessions with a sex therapist, if hubby really won't join you, will be enlightening. Ideas might surface to help your husband break through his shell. You'd guide him, as it were, in this scenario. Slowly and remaining within his comfort zone, but pushing, little by little, those limits.

 

Sex at a couple of times a week, after a long marriage, you're doing better than most of us So your drive is obviously higher than the average.

 

You want it daily .. so theres a chasm to breach there hehe, but compromise will likely work. Get him up to 3-4 times a week and I suspect chances are high that you'd be largely satisfied as well.

 

After a long marriage, 2+ hour sex sessions 4-7 times a week is probably a fantasy .. I know there are some who can maintain this, but I don't believe its the norm. Quickies work though, and maintain and reinforce the physical and emotional bond so long as both partners can be satisfied.

[S2B]

Sounds like your husband may be open - just not showing you that side of himself.

 

Why not ask him to get honest about who he really is?

[LostNtrapped]

Sounds like your husband may be open - just not showing you that side of himself.

 

Why not ask him to get honest about who he really is?

 

I have over the years and he just doesn't even know what to say to me. He is just not comfortable opening up about it. I think he may have some thoughts and feelings that he may feel will hurt me, so he keeps it to himself. Last night he came and smacked my ass in the kitchen, and I heard him mumble that he wasn't sure how hard to smack my ass, so he won't hurt me. I have chronic back and SI joint issues, so possibly he is being overly cautious with me. He doesn't know why he can't open up about that side, because we are comfortable with each other in every other way shape and form lol. We truly are best friends.