My husband masturbates almost daily but wants no sex

[Merrylegs]

This has been going on for 12 years and I have never been given a full explanation.

We now live separately because he told me to leave with my kids ( not biologically his) because I apparently wouldn't let this lie'.

He masturbates daily,just about, sometimes twice a day. I know because I hear him in the toilet. Sometimes he will pause a film the family are watching and go upstairs to the toilet while we wait downstairs with the film paused.

I suspect everytime he goes upstairs now. He masturbates in the loo and in the shower. He gets up in the night and goes to the loo to do it

He hasn't touched me in 18 months and before then it was almost a year.

I don't think I'm repulsive and I quite honestly don't understand why you wouldn't rather roll over in bed to find a warm wanting naked woman beside you than go to the toilet in the cold and fling it down the pan.

I've asked him (obviously too many times as it got me thrown out) what the trouble is.

He says he fancies me and he says he doesn't prefer men.

He told me many times how much he wanted sex with his ex girlfriend when they were together so I know he has a sex drive.

When I asked what the difference is between then and now he just says 'I didn't live with her".

 

Sex is not the only thing that matters in a marriage but when you are obviously not what he gets excited about it batters the ego somewhat.

Anyone got any thoughts?

[NTV]

He's cheating or gay are my first thoughts.

 

Did you insult his performance or put too much pressure on how to please you? Those might have started the downhill slide you're relationship is on now. Not that it would justify no sex for that long.

 

As far as once a day? That's pretty normal for me. +/- sex. I could have sex 2-3 times and still masterbate. Sex 4 times though is apparently the level where I no longer have the urge to clear my pipes.

 

If I get a day off and kids are in school? Whoa there will be a marathon to see if I can beat my record of 11. I call that a personal goal lol.

 

Then again I'm over 30 and not very healthy. Used to be a lot higher sex drive.

 

What do you get out of this marriage?

[Simple Logic]

This can happen when a man is done with a marriage and doesn't want to risk pregnancy

[Merrylegs]

I wouldn't criticise performance in the sack. It's quite a low blow to throw at someone.

He admits that the masturbates and can't answer why he doesn't have sex with me.

I have no problem with masturbating at all, it's part of a healthy sex drive.

I just feel that sex once in 18 months is a problem.

I haven't been in this position before and I don't really know what is normal.

He acts like there is something wrong with me wanting sex more often and I feel that his opinion of me is making me doubt my own feelings and views.

I didn't think I was out of order thinking he was replacing sex with masturbating but now I'm not sure, having a couple of replies from males.

I don't want to lose my own self confidence. That will only add to the problem.

[Merrylegs]

No weight gained. Sorry.

Also he had a vasectomy a long time ago so no pregnancy worry there

[The_Dork_Lard]

One guess is that it's psychological. Sex is so available to him by you that it loses its appeal. There's no challenge. If he hunted, and had to put huge effort into bagging that elusive kill, the deer would have much more meaning, and feel like a much deserved reward. But if somebody dumped 4 dead deer on his doorstep everyday, deer would lose their seductive powers, and he'd be irritated instead. That which is scarce is most desirable. Perhaps in his mind the women, or types of women, he sees in porn are unavailable to him (as they are to us all because they do not represent the reality of women), and therefore trigger the scarcity rule, which excites him.

[BettyDraper]

One guess is that it's psychological. Sex is so available to him by you that it loses its appeal. There's no challenge. If he hunted, and had to put huge effort into bagging that elusive kill, the deer would have much more meaning, and feel like a much deserved reward. But if somebody dumped 4 dead deer on his doorstep everyday, deer would lose their seductive powers, and he'd be irritated instead. That which is scarce is most desirable. Perhaps in his mind the women, or types of women, he sees in porn are unavailable to him (as they are to us all because they do not represent the reality of women), and therefore trigger the scarcity rule, which excites him.

 

How would this explain couples who are together for years yet enjoy passionate sex?

 

There's nothing wrong with masturbation but it shouldn't affect a couple's sex life. OP, you and your husband need to see a counselor about this issue.

[basil67]

He refuses to have sex with you. He told you to leave. Sound to me like he doesn't care much for the marriage.

 

See an attorney and get the divorce started. You deserve better.

[SeenNotHeard]

I wouldn't criticise performance in the sack. It's quite a low blow to throw at someone.

He admits that the masturbates and can't answer why he doesn't have sex with me.

I have no problem with masturbating at all, it's part of a healthy sex drive.

I just feel that sex once in 18 months is a problem.

I haven't been in this position before and I don't really know what is normal.

He acts like there is something wrong with me wanting sex more often and I feel that his opinion of me is making me doubt my own feelings and views.

I didn't think I was out of order thinking he was replacing sex with masturbating but now I'm not sure, having a couple of replies from males.

I don't want to lose my own self confidence. That will only add to the problem.

 

Merrylegs you are not out of order at all. Nothing you have stated here is unreasonable and I am sorry you feel that way. In a healthy loving marriage wanting to be desired by your spouse is natural. Reading your message I don't see any attempt on your husbands part where he is considering your sexual intimacy needs. He seems to want out and he has checked out of the marriage. Sorry.

[The_Dork_Lard]

How would this explain couples who are together for years yet enjoy passionate sex?

 

It doesn't, that's why I said it's "one" guess. And I'm not responding to somebody enjoying passionate sex after years of marriage. That's why I think this particular explanation may apply here.

[Merrylegs]

One guess is that it's psychological. Sex is so available to him by you that it loses its appeal. There's no challenge. If he hunted, and had to put huge effort into bagging that elusive kill, the deer would have much more meaning, and feel like a much deserved reward. But if somebody dumped 4 dead deer on his doorstep everyday, deer would lose their seductive powers, and he'd be irritated instead. That which is scarce is most desirable. Perhaps in his mind the women, or types of women, he sees in porn are unavailable to him (as they are to us all because they do not represent the reality of women), and therefore trigger the scarcity rule, which excites him.

 

That makes sense to me.

Whether I play harder to obtain here or move on to pastures new, I will keep that in mind.

[Fair]

I don't know why but when I read your post I got creeped

out. There's something nuts about his behaviour... and something disturbing about the wall he's got up.. the secrecy. Can't put my finger on why I feel this way, but ... It sounds like a sexual addiction or something, I mean he can't even make it through a movie without.... I mean... ew to the whole thing.

[The_Dork_Lard]

That makes sense to me.

Whether I play harder to obtain here or move on to pastures new, I will keep that in mind.

 

Do keep it in mind, because it's such a fundamental principle. I see it being played out on these forums time and time, again. Most of my own relationships can be understood by it too. Those times I was not particularly interested in my exes, they pushed like crazy for my scarce attention, and I lost interest. Those that I liked, and who received my attention or declarations of deeper feelings in plentiful supply often dropped me like a hot potato, and disappeared. Scarcity is such a powerful driver of behaviour.

[Fair]

And I'd be wondering what's getting him so hot at home all the time of it's not you.

[Merrylegs]

I don't know why but when I read your post I got creeped

out. There's something nuts about his behaviour... and something disturbing about the wall he's got up.. the secrecy. Can't put my finger on why I feel this way, but ... It sounds like a sexual addiction or something, I mean he can't even make it through a movie without.... I mean... ew to the whole thing.

 

I know! That's my overall feeling but I worry that I go with my instincts a bit too hastily so I feel I need other opinions to make sure I'm not just maling decisions based on a feeling.

He gets so angry when I bring it up. I could always not mention it but I can't live with a thing earing away at me on the inside and plaster a smile over it.

Surely that is excusing the behavior and the angry responses.

[Merrylegs]

Do keep it in mind, because it's such a fundamental principle. I see it being played out on these forums time and time, again. Most of my own relationships can be understood by it too. Those times I was not particularly interested in my exes, they pushed like crazy for my scarce attention, and I lost interest. Those that I liked, and who received my attention or declarations of deeper feelings in plentiful supply often dropped me like a hot potato, and disappeared. Scarcity is such a powerful driver of behaviour.

 

I find that, generally, most of people's behaviour links to the most basic understandings of survival. I say generally as there are always exceptions.

I think I just need to try make as sure as I can that if 12 years is off down the pan then it's for a reason I can stand firmly by and keep my conscience clear that I couldn't have done more.

[Mumbles]

[]

 

If hubby is masturbating this much then he's definitely got an alive sex drive - so that bit is good. Multiple times a day suggests that even masturbation is not fulfilling for him, so he goes at it again and again and again. I've had this experience myself, when I was single post first divorce. No matter how ridiculously frequent the masturbation I was unfulfilled - perhaps its natures way of forcing you out of the house to go find a lovely lady???

 

Anyway, upon first read I was going to suggest a porn addiction. However, unless I missed it, theres no mention of porn here, just frequent self gratification. The OP might correct me there. Perhaps the frequent visits to the loo are accompanied by his smart phone and porn _is_ arriving that way??

 

How was the sex when it still happened? 2 years ago or so? Pretty lively? Pedestrian? Everyone satisfied? Whats changed since then? Job? Financial pressure? You or he changed in physical appearance to any real degree?

Edited February 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to deleted troll post ~6

[BaileyB]

He refuses to have sex with you. He told you to leave. Sound to me like he doesn't care much for the marriage.

 

See an attorney and get the divorce started. You deserve better.

 

This is it. Why would you stay with a man who cares so little about your feelings? You do deserve better than this.

[Bufo]

Maybe a year ago or so here were multiple internet discussions of porn addiction. Viewing porn and masturbating to it were considered killers of a normal sex drive. Where men lost their ability to respond to normal real life sex signals or stimulation.

 

I don't know whether this problem exists here or not. It the cure was touted as abstention from porn which lead to a decreased urge to masturbate a and a return of normal sex drive

 

Porn is fantasy sex. Sort of like affair sex. Normal can't compete. But until he drops the fantasy crap, he remains a prisoner of fantasy.

 

IC or mc may help if he wants to save the mArriage.

[oldshirt]

One guess is that it's psychological. Sex is so available to him by you that it loses its appeal. There's no challenge. If he hunted, and had to put huge effort into bagging that elusive kill, the deer would have much more meaning, and feel like a much deserved reward. But if somebody dumped 4 dead deer on his doorstep everyday, deer would lose their seductive powers, and he'd be irritated instead. That which is scarce is most desirable. Perhaps in his mind the women, or types of women, he sees in porn are unavailable to him (as they are to us all because they do not represent the reality of women), and therefore trigger the scarcity rule, which excites him.

 

While I do not believe this to be accurate, I am going to take a different stance.

 

If he is spanking every single day and rejecting a willing flesh and blood woman - then obviously there is a disorder and dysfunction taking place. In other words he is all messed up maybe he can be fixed....and maybe he can't.

 

But the point I want to make here is reference to the "thrill of the chase" that was mentioned above.

 

I think in instances where dudes prefer porn and to take matters into their hand as opposed to being with their partner, I think in most instances it is the opposite.

 

Spanking is easy, it takes very little effort and it never asks for anything in return. Your own hand does not need to be wined and dined. you don't have to be nice to it. It never asks you to take out the garbage or pick your dirty socks off the floor. You don't have to change the oil in it's car or unclog the toilet. It never sends you out of bed to battle the spider that's walking up the wall. You don't have to be nice to it's parents, siblings or wacky friends. You don't have to buy it a house and you never ever ever have to go furniture shopping with it. It is always ready willing and able, even if there are dishes in the sink, clothes in the washer or vacuuming to be done. You never have to listen to it's problems and never have to get it validation and assure it that it is going to be OK. It doesn't need romance and it doesn't need foreplay and it never ever needs to have it's feet rubbed. And once it's done it's job, it just needs a little wiping off with a towel or the nearest sock and it never needs to be cuddled or held or told how wonderful it is.

 

So in other words, men that prefer their own hand over their own wife, simply do not want to mess with everything that goes along with getting their tank drained. The want the quickest, easiest, most efficient and least labor-intensive way to get the job done without having to mess with any of that other stuff that goes along with getting a woman to do it.

 

So the bottom line is they simply do not care. It's fine having a woman around if she cooks and cleans and keeps the kids out of his hair and doesn't bug him for anything else, and as long as she doesn't interfere with him keeping his own tank drained.

 

But if she starts putting demands on him or starts interfering with his enjoyment in his own life, then there are going to be problems.

[stillafool]

I've heard that men who would rather masturbate than have sex prefer their hand to the vagina because they can make their hand as tight as they want and the vagina is too loose so they don't feel the same sensation. Especially after a woman has had kids.

[oldshirt]

So the bottom line is they simply do not care. It's fine having a woman around if she cooks and cleans and keeps the kids out of his hair and doesn't bug him for anything else, and as long as she doesn't interfere with him keeping his own tank drained.

 

But if she starts putting demands on him or starts interfering with his enjoyment in his own life, then there are going to be problems.

 

So the harsh truth of what this means for you Merrylegs is that he is already gone. He has disconnected and detached from you and I honestly do not know if there is anyway to get him back.

 

The desire to have sex with a woman is the second most strongest instinct and driving force in a man, lead only by the instinct and drive for survival it'self.

 

So the fact he would rather take care of himself rather than be with you means that he has completely and utterly checked out of your marriage and his relationship with you.

 

I don't think there is anything you can do to change him.

 

But I will say that there are millions of men in the world that would give anything and do anything to be with a real live, flesh and blood woman that would be sexual with them.

 

You have a roommate on your hands that keeps you around to help with the household chores and expenses and is ok with you being there as long as you don't interfere with anything and as long as you don't get on him for anything.

 

You have a simple choice here - are you ok with living a romanceless, sexless life with a roommate that doesn't want an intimate relationship with you?

 

Yes or no?

 

It is that simple.

 

If the answer is yes, then you have the right to ask him to clean up after himself, but otherwise stay out of his airspace and keep the kids quiet and out from underfoot so they don't irritate him any more than they have to.

 

If the answer is no, then start organizing your stuff and get an attorney and start the process and paperwork of a divorce.

 

(I suppose getting a boyfriend or two or three on the side is an option too if you are ok with the moral and ethical aspects of that)

[oldshirt]

I've heard that men who would rather masturbate than have sex prefer their hand to the vagina because they can make their hand as tight as they want and the vagina is too loose so they don't feel the same sensation. Especially after a woman has had kids.

 

No.

 

Some people such as sex columnist Dan Savage have speculated that some men can have dysfunctions such as having difficulty maintaining an erection DURING sex or having difficulty reaching orgasm during PIV sex due to becoming conditioned to a firm grasp.

 

But that does not explain or lead to rejecting your wife and wanting nothing to do with her and kicking her out of the house if she interfers with your spanking.

 

Becoming conditioned to your own firm grasp might explain taking some extra time to reach orgasm during PIV sex but it does not explain rejecting a willing, flesh and blood woman.

 

The explanation for why a man will reject his spouse and take matters into his own hand for a year and a half is explained in my post above.

[oldshirt]

While I do not believe this to be accurate, I am going to take a different stance.

.

 

This is a typo and it won't let me edit.

 

It is supposed to read .....I do not believe this is inaccurate.....

 

 

There are some guys that need the thrill of the chase and don't value things that come easy to them.

 

I do not believe this is the case in this situation at all however.

 

I think the OP's H has simply checked out of the relationship and wants nothing to do with her. It has nothing to do with her availability vs playing hard to get or anything having to do with her at all.

[stillafool]

No.

 

Some people such as sex columnist Dan Savage have speculated that some men can have dysfunctions such as having difficulty maintaining an erection DURING sex or having difficulty reaching orgasm during PIV sex due to becoming conditioned to a firm grasp.

 

But that does not explain or lead to rejecting your wife and wanting nothing to do with her and kicking her out of the house if she interfers with your spanking.

 

Becoming conditioned to your own firm grasp might explain taking some extra time to reach orgasm during PIV sex but it does not explain rejecting a willing, flesh and blood woman.

The explanation for why a man will reject his spouse and take matters into his own hand for a year and a half is explained in my post above.

 

Well I'm just going by what men have stated on forums who masturbate a lot. It would seem if you can't ejaculate with a flesh and blood woman, masturbation would be a better choice by just looking at flesh and blood women on porn. I don't know I'm not a man but it makes sense to me.