Boosting Self-Esteem/Self-Love

[truthtripper]

truthtripper,

 

As you might guess, the scientific-medical answer to your question would be a resounding 'NO!'; and, the same from those people who do not know about or

properly understand healing at the higher levels - such as you're talking about changing your psyche/psychology to fix the false/distorted ingrained belief.

 

For me, the answer is 'YES!' - but it does require quite a bit of work before we will see physical-manifest results. If you are open to 'Energy' or spiritual-based healing -

of which Reiki is a commonly-known technique - then, you may find one or more of the articles on these pages helpful: Healing, Physical - and - Healing, Psychological.

When I first went to the doctor re the initial stages of my condition(joint hypermobility syndrome/Ehlers Danlos), he thought my symptoms were "psychosomatic". I saw many doctors before I got any worthwhile help. Most of them also suspected my condition was emotionally triggered. You see, when the medical profession are faced with "rare", little known about conditions, they often dismiss the patient as being mentally ill, as a kind of defence for their lack of knowledge. Patients are literally blamed for their condition and packed off to the psychiatrist. Several years down the track, I finally have a diagnosis, a genetic condition, Ehlers Danlos(EDS). It runs in my family. Now that I have the diagnosis, the doctors say no power of the mind can improve such a condition. What pathetic hypocrites they are! Anyway, I've met many people with EDS on an EDS forum. I have heard that healing is possible, despite doctors' negative prognoses. Also there are people who carry EDS genes but do not express the symptoms. So, one would naturally blame negative environmental influences rather than the genes themselves. There is also more scientific evidence that many genes are not in a fixed state and can switch on and off depending on environmental influences, which validates the use of 'Energy' /spiritual etc. healing. I have been doing Feldenkrais for the last two years. It's not considered a spiritual therapy, but it definitely has been for me. Any therapy that can help us improve our self awareness, I would think must have a spiritual aspect.

 

Thanks for the links! One of my friends for a long time has been urging me to also try reiki.

[truthtripper]

I've always felt unworthy of having a successful career, even though it's something that I've always wanted. On an intellectual level, I believe I deserve it, but emotionally I see myself as being "less than" others and feel that I "can't" ever be on the same level as the people I look up to. I'll work really hard for something, then stop when I'm close to achieving the final goal. I still do this. On the rare occasion that I make the final leap, I am literally shaking with fear.

Yes, same here, so difficult to break out of when we have been brainwashed from childhood. It seems healing never ends. Just when I feel like I've found all the answers, there's always yet another newly discovered obstacle to conquer. Like peeling an endless onion. And there are indeed lots of tears.

Edited March 1, 2017 by truthtripper

[truthtripper]

..... It also highlights for me painfully sometimes that vast difference between what I present to the world and how I am actually feeling.

 

I'm also in the process of stepping away from some friendships that haven't felt authentic for me. This is very difficult for me to do, and always has been, because I worry about being left alone. I just need some breathing room.

 

"meaning that there is a forfeit of any effort to control/placate others emotions"--yes. very important.

Having to wear the mask has always been a struggle for me. If I just let go all the time and let everyone know what my real feelings were, I wouldn't have a job and I wouldn't have many, if any friends. It sucks, but unfortunately, that's life. Instead we have to wait for our next therapist appointment.

 

I'm also in the process of cutting off certain toxic people from my life. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company.

[Timshel]

Yes, I'm the only child of two very forceful and independent adults. "Academic achievement, social intellectualism and physical endurance" sound very familiar to me. I was definitely taught to keep it together and keep it in check. The most telling thing perhaps is that I probably missed like three days of school my entire school career. That said, my parents were always puzzled by why I was so hard on myself and don't seem to understand my emotions and thought I pressured myself. Not sure if this was true.

 

So, did you feel it was a step forward to tell the woman to "suck it up"?

 

The woman was becoming hysterical and 'kumbaya' only had a blank expression on her face. She couldn't leave, as the rest of us, not without putting herself and unborn child at risk. Hysteria served no purpose. It was the first time that I was in a situation that I usurped 'leadership' and that felt weird. There was once prior a graduate advisor who cried about her family life at check in but I listened quietly and didn't tell her to suck it up, haha.

 

I love Eckhart Tolle. I've signed up for yoga and am trying to be present with my emotions more. It's incredibly hard but rewarding to feel I can be there for myself. I have some seriously stressful events going on in my life right now. Therapy is helping. It also highlights for me painfully sometimes that vast difference between what I present to the world and how I am actually feeling.

I hope you enjoy yoga! Presence is difficult, it requires fairly constant resetting at first. The end result is less emotional fluctuation, the moment is entirely more manageable than the past/future.

Therapy (and your proactive awareness) will assist you to merge inner being into your external relationships. It seems that you are fearful of revealing your true self to others for fear of rejection and struggling to not offload all that is withheld except for a chosen few.

When there is balance, every person will have their equal share and no one will have too much.

Also, boundaries are healthy, some things need space/introspection and no person I know will let loose everything; their sum of all fears. This is where meditation, prayer, yoga and physical exercise are helpful.

 

I'm also in the process of stepping away from some friendships that haven't felt authentic for me. This is very difficult for me to do, and always has been, because I worry about being left alone. I just need some breathing room.

 

"meaning that there is a forfeit of any effort to control/placate others emotions"--yes. very important.

You seem to be making all the right efforts to get where you want to be and have a good understanding of where you currently are.

 

I my own experience, breathing room while I am hammering out internal struggles has been beneficial. Imo, quiet provides clarity. Whatever works for you, whichever way allows you the most peace/focus is the right way for you.

It's not unusual that a soul cleaning will help a person recognize incompatible/unproductive relationships. Let it happen.

 

Good luck to you lovely, Best.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Timshel

[lovely81]

Thanks, Timshel. I really enjoyed your post. And your anecdote--wow. I feel I would have been paralyzed in such a situation, torn between disdain, panic, and pity.

 

I like the idea of merging your inner being into external relationships.

 

I wanted to add something else I noticed. I think by creating this facade (and this is an idea I got from Byron Katie and might have mentioned earlier), what has happened is that I am in friendships or romantic relationships where I secretly don't trust people's affection or like of me, because I'm not acting like my real self. Like I said, the odd thing is I think a lot of people see me as very strong and opinionated. IDK, it kind of reminds me of how a male friend of mine, a real player, once told me that he never tried for the girls he really wanted, he went for (he didn't put it this way) what one could call "the low-hanging fruit." I feel like that's what it all feels like when you're doing these things for approval or for society or whatever, things that aren't really speaking your truth. I don't think these people are actually "low-hanging fruit." It's really your motivations that make it feel that way.

 

@TruthTripper I'd just say my experience of losing friends has worked out better than I thought--the new experiences and relationships I've accumulated have been far better than the facade friendships. That said, it has been like pulling teeth. I turn down a lot of invitations (they seem to want you more when you are genuinely fleeing...so indicative of how unhealthy these friendships were to begin with.)

 

@SpiralOut, your "literally shaking with fear" struck me, because part of this journey for me has been about recognizing how much these waves of emotions that sweep over my body are something that are not going away. I think in the past, I have tried to solve them by getting externals into place, but it's almost like this is a chronic disease, a reaction to life that I have. Byron Katie has been VERY helpful with this. Also, I became a somewhat successful writer only after I was failing at the job I'd chosen. I thought that was very telling--I was pursuing something I was completely unsuited for and only writing as a hobby. Without any of the usual pressure, it was much easier for me to just have fun with writing, and I think that's why I got as far as I did.

[truthtripper]

......I secretly don't trust people's affection or like of me, because I'm not acting like my real self. Like I said, the odd thing is I think a lot of people see me as very strong and opinionated.........

 

.........(they seem to want you more when you are genuinely fleeing...so indicative of how unhealthy these friendships were to begin with.)

Yes, I have felt the same way about people too, especially during the time when I started seeing a therapist. When I began to delve more into my past, looking for answers to my anxiety/panic, I found myself trying so hard to be more lively and happy around others. It was a facade, but it was necessary, otherwise I would have ended up being friendless-no one wants to hang around depressed people, do they? Most importantly, it was also a way of protecting my feelings. Doing therapy can render us vulnerable, in a kind of limbo, while we're in the midst of "finding" ourselves. Exposing our fragility to others can put us in harms way, as many people tend not to know how to respond appropriately, I don't think many people are emotionally equipped. So, the mask does also have a protective role. Basically, we are more comfortable revealing our true selves to those whom we know we can trust and usually that doesn't include many people.

 

That's true. I've noticed they try to cling onto me, like fungus, as I try to let go. Ughhh!

[Ronni_W]

I have been doing Feldenkrais for the last two years. <snip> One of my friends for a long time has been urging me to also try reiki.

Of course stick with what's working for you...and try new modalities and techniques according to your own 'gut instinct' or intuition.

 

The thing is that passive forms of therapies alone won't help to resolve psychological blocks (at the identity, mental and emotional levels); we have to do conscious work around those, in order to overcome/transcend them.

 

Wishing you the best,

Ronni

[truthtripper]

Of course stick with what's working for you...and try new modalities and techniques according to your own 'gut instinct' or intuition.

 

The thing is that passive forms of therapies alone won't help to resolve psychological blocks (at the identity, mental and emotional levels); we have to do conscious work around those, in order to overcome/transcend them.

 

Wishing you the best,

Ronni

I also think that conscious work alone is not enough to overcome psychological blocks. I've been in talk therapy for 20 years. I have learnt a lot about child abuse and it's destruction, but I find that words often are an obstacle to emotional expression. After doing Feldenkrais for 2 years now, I'm actually in touch with my subconscious self-defeating thoughts. Before this, I was only aware of this from psychologists observations of me, it was not subjective. For me, physical expression has opened up my psyche in a way talk therapy has not. I was abused from the day I was born, when words were not yet a vehicle of expression for me, which is probably why talk therapy has not been releasing for me.

Edited March 3, 2017 by truthtripper

[SpiralOut]

For me, physical expression has opened up my psyche in a way talk therapy has not.

 

I'm the same way. Yoga helped me to get back in touch with my emotions. I had dealt with my feelings by walling them off. I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. After months of weekly yoga classes, I started to cry during a heart-opening pose. It's interesting how the body and the psyche are connected.

[Ronni_W]

I also think that conscious work alone is not enough to overcome psychological blocks.

Yes...I've used Bowen technique, Reiki, EFT and other forms of bodywork and negative-Energy-release therapies, myself; as well as have done talk therapy including a

family-of-origin intensive; as well as a little bit of art and sound therapy.

 

As you say, we do need to address any given problem at all levels, physical and metaphysical.

 

I am sorry for your life experiences. I have not had to endure anything like that in this lifetime, so I don't know if this article will be of any use or assistance for you

in your specific circumstance.

The help it's offered me is only as far as understanding the experiences of my own life, that were hurtful and I perceived as negative: Why You Took on Limitations on Earth.

 

In Love and Light.

[truthtripper]

Yes...I've used Bowen technique, Reiki, EFT and other forms of bodywork and negative-Energy-release therapies, myself; as well as have done talk therapy including a

family-of-origin intensive; as well as a little bit of art and sound therapy.

 

As you say, we do need to address any given problem at all levels, physical and metaphysical.

 

I am sorry for your life experiences. I have not had to endure anything like that in this lifetime, so I don't know if this article will be of any use or assistance for you

in your specific circumstance.

The help it's offered me is only as far as understanding the experiences of my own life, that were hurtful and I perceived as negative: Why You Took on Limitations on Earth.

 

In Love and Light.

Thanks Ronni, I have saved the link.

[lovely81]

Just updating to say I have had two classes of yoga and really do enjoy it so far. It seems to be the physical manifestation of what I'm trying to do internally, be centered and strong from within, so that's really cool!

 

I had been writing a lot and going out with friends/online dating less. These activities have picked up, and I notice I'm still very susceptible to getting emotionally rattled from these situations. I'll often feel "less than." Like something's wrong because I haven't fallen in love, etc. And I think that feeling can lead me to act in a jerky way sometimes, in an attempt to prove I'm okay. Anyway, it's good I'm noticing. It's really freeing. All these things I thought the world was doing to me, I'm beginning to see I was actively participating in. It's a relief realizing that I don't have to "fix" the external (which used to look like tearing someone else's character apart in my head) just because I may feel a blow to my ego.

 

Okay, back to my work . . . that I'm not doing while being on the internet!

[todreaminblue]

Just updating to say I have had two classes of yoga and really do enjoy it so far. It seems to be the physical manifestation of what I'm trying to do internally, be centered and strong from within, so that's really cool!

 

I had been writing a lot and going out with friends/online dating less. These activities have picked up, and I notice I'm still very susceptible to getting emotionally rattled from these situations. I'll often feel "less than." Like something's wrong because I haven't fallen in love, etc. And I think that feeling can lead me to act in a jerky way sometimes, in an attempt to prove I'm okay. Anyway, it's good I'm noticing. It's really freeing. All these things I thought the world was doing to me, I'm beginning to see I was actively participating in. It's a relief realizing that I don't have to "fix" the external (which used to look like tearing someone else's character apart in my head) just because I may feel a blow to my ego.

 

Okay, back to my work . . . that I'm not doing while being on the internet!

 

 

hey lovely,

 

glad you have taken up yoga....i first took up yoga in my teen years...the lady who taught me was called swami guyananana lol still cant spell it.....but she was a master at yoga......she was actually quite an imposing figure...no shrinking violet.....and her calm voice could quieten a class....the way she walked in and out of class she embodied flow.....moving between people she embodied flow....the only woman i have seen who could look serene in head to toe bright orange sporting a shaved head.........i have always believed if you learn anything only learn from masters even if it costs more to do so.....learn from the best.....you can always find a master....they stand out from the crowds.....like my swami....she was just so...different......

 

she taught me salute to the sun it has another traditional name cant remember the name......and the meditation she taught was the only time i ever seemed to have space in my head....she was always really patient with me.....i would often fall asleep in meditation.....and when she taught me to chant using my throat...it resonated really loudly that everyone giggled...never chanted again after that...she told me after a class .... if you continue to hold your voice in deborah afraid others will laugh at you . you will never find peace....

 

i made a joke out of that on my request show i had on radio..made fun of her breathy voice..........the truth was....she hit too close too home.........

 

yoga has a voice ...for silent people ....it will bring you peace if you allow it too lovely.....me...i still hold my full voice in...too scared if what comes out will make others laugh but .....i do yoga...in the privacy of my room and i chant when no one is around........i bought myself a humming bowl......i dont think theres a more beautiful sound to be heard than the hum of a brass bowl...its one of my faves.....i dont really tell people i do yoga my oldest daughter has taken it up...its my private haven..yoga...

 

dont ever give it up lovely, sounds like you are on a discovery journey and i wish you happy trails ...serene ones...........best wishes...deb

Edited March 23, 2017 by todreaminblue

[todreaminblue]

Deb,

You know the first thing that came to my mind when I read that? -- "Jesus can say that, as well...Deb is in pretty elevated company!" I mean...it's not not true, right?

 

Again, I don't really know what may or may not be useful for you or lovely81, so I'm just going on instinct/intuition. These two Discourses are complementary to each other; though, the second one listed was actually given first:

Why you took on limitations [challenges] on Earth

- and -

Spirituality beyond elitism

 

 

ronni i really do enjoy your links your share they are enlightened reading and everyone i have read has been up lifting.....

 

but..as far as me being in elevated company ...nah.....im not fit to be in his company one day maybe.........you know i think jesus cried out once in his ministry on earth to his father......and even then there's question on whether he was actually crying out or acknowledging his pains as necessary...i know he actually tried to ghost one particular time...disappear on his own for a while......sought solitude in madness to pray and find i guess comfort to keep going the way he did......

 

but....what he endured .....everyones' pain and sin..........without ever feeling sorry for himself.....well can anyone really think they are anywhere near the company of jesus.....certainly not me.....maybe the saints..mother theresa.....joan of arc....but not this duck...im a trench girl....my feet are muddy...and i cant keep them clean....

 

when i think of jesus....i think of that glow around him and when i think of people around him i think of masses of children glowign just like he does....i think of jeuss as in the company of children....he will always be closest to them..........but thankyou for the links....they have a stillness to the words.......i hope lovely81 reads them.....for they are....lovely thoughts......deb

[lovely81]

Wanted to update my thread!

 

I have been continuing this practice of being with myself and my feelings. It is really challenging. I realized my life circumstances are going to never be as perfect as I want, and I can react with very strong emotions that I'll then go down into a spiral of self-loathing over and that that often involves destructive behaviors. I can see these destructive behaviors serve a purpose, though, as they do stop the spiral of negative self-talk/feeling.

 

And if I try to "control" these negative feelings before the destructive behaviors, it's like trying to put a lid on boiling water (not sure if this is an actual saying, but I mean--it doesn't work!) I strive to deal with them in healthy ways, by sitting and listening to them or doing healthy physical activities--have tried zumba in addition to yoga. I loved zumba! Sometimes, though, I just collapse on the bed and let myself feel them.

 

I've also realized this strong judgmental voice inside of me is really unhelpful and is leading me to be drawn to romantic partners who are similarly critical (might have said that earlier.) It's a balance because I do value honesty and strength and have a hard time differentiating between those qualities and arrogance masking weakness/insecurity.

Edited September 25, 2017 by lovely81

[lovely81]

I'm updating my thread . . . I really like it as a record to keep track of my journey. I'm not sure what it is . . . but one way to look at it, is me trying to be more comfortable being me rather than perfecting my performance of who I think I should be.

 

So, in the midst of all this being with myself, I was dating a lot, mostly online, and I took a break from it. I met a lot of great people, if not the One.

 

I reread my posts on this thread, and I spoke a lot about being present with people. I'm still doing this, and really working on listening. It feels very natural and relaxing. I used to be much more drawn into arguments and am now more content to observe.

 

One thing I noticed was that drinking has become odd for me. I'm not sure what to do, or if I should do anything. I don't drink that much, usually only when I go out with friends. So for instance, I had a big dinner with friends last week and then we went out dancing. I probably had 3-4 drinks over the whole night. The next day I woke up and felt like crap. I am getting really tired of feeling bad the next day after I drink, which seems to happen more and more. I like to relax and definitely like to have a drink when I dance, but the after effects are really irritating me.

 

I started going to the gym, which has been wonderful. I do not pressure myself, just do thirty minutes of cardio three times a week. It feels good to listen to music and relax. I've also stopped dieting, and I think the gym is helping me not gain too much weight.

 

Stopping dieting was huge for me. My whole life has been swings of twenty pounds up, twenty pounds down, with usual accompanying mood shifts. I feel like I am becoming myself bodywise. It's hard to sometimes feel heavier than I want to be, but I also enjoy my new relationship with food--eating what I want and not feeling guilty about it. I am not saying I will never diet again, but just seeing what's happening now with exercise and more natural eating feels right for now.

 

I am writing regularly.

 

Regarding self: I still feel very nervous and unsure of myself in the ways I wrote about earlier. I notice I can still gossip and put people down when I'm feeling insecure. However, I have definitely noticed that now that I don't indulge in this as much, the people around me don't either. I think I was projecting on to them something that I was really bringing to the table. Since I am naturally making fewer mean comments, it opens up a space for them, too, not to make mean comments. So, I guess things I thought of as people's set personalities were really more like just them going with the flow of the conversation.

 

After all the dating and going to parties, too,--whoo, men. Sometimes they can bring all the insecurities to the surface, in an instant, like some kind of superdrug. I have to stay very aware not to play too many games with them--trying to get their attention or not get their attention. I still feel worried, dimly, that I will never meet the One, but I also am more focused on making each day good, even if the One's not around.

 

I bought an apartment last year and have been focused on decorating it and making it a home. I am hosting a club-like thing every week (people gathering to focus on a hobby), which I enjoy. This has been very rewarding.

[Popsicle]

I'm updating my thread . . . I really like it as a record to keep track of my journey. I'm not sure what it is . . . but one way to look at it, is me trying to be more comfortable being me rather than perfecting my performance of who I think I should be.

 

So, in the midst of all this being with myself, I was dating a lot, mostly online, and I took a break from it. I met a lot of great people, if not the One.

 

I reread my posts on this thread, and I spoke a lot about being present with people. I'm still doing this, and really working on listening. It feels very natural and relaxing. I used to be much more drawn into arguments and am now more content to observe.

 

One thing I noticed was that drinking has become odd for me. I'm not sure what to do, or if I should do anything. I don't drink that much, usually only when I go out with friends. So for instance, I had a big dinner with friends last week and then we went out dancing. I probably had 3-4 drinks over the whole night. The next day I woke up and felt like crap. I am getting really tired of feeling bad the next day after I drink, which seems to happen more and more. I like to relax and definitely like to have a drink when I dance, but the after effects are really irritating me.

 

I started going to the gym, which has been wonderful. I do not pressure myself, just do thirty minutes of cardio three times a week. It feels good to listen to music and relax. I've also stopped dieting, and I think the gym is helping me not gain too much weight.

 

Stopping dieting was huge for me. My whole life has been swings of twenty pounds up, twenty pounds down, with usual accompanying mood shifts. I feel like I am becoming myself bodywise. It's hard to sometimes feel heavier than I want to be, but I also enjoy my new relationship with food--eating what I want and not feeling guilty about it. I am not saying I will never diet again, but just seeing what's happening now with exercise and more natural eating feels right for now.

 

I am writing regularly.

 

Regarding self: I still feel very nervous and unsure of myself in the ways I wrote about earlier. I notice I can still gossip and put people down when I'm feeling insecure. However, I have definitely noticed that now that I don't indulge in this as much, the people around me don't either. I think I was projecting on to them something that I was really bringing to the table. Since I am naturally making fewer mean comments, it opens up a space for them, too, not to make mean comments. So, I guess things I thought of as people's set personalities were really more like just them going with the flow of the conversation.

 

After all the dating and going to parties, too,--whoo, men. Sometimes they can bring all the insecurities to the surface, in an instant, like some kind of superdrug. I have to stay very aware not to play too many games with them--trying to get their attention or not get their attention. I still feel worried, dimly, that I will never meet the One, but I also am more focused on making each day good, even if the One's not around.

 

I bought an apartment last year and have been focused on decorating it and making it a home. I am hosting a club-like thing every week (people gathering to focus on a hobby), which I enjoy. This has been very rewarding.

 

This is excellent. I love love love this!

[divegrl]

I love this too!

 

Being present and listening more is a huge goal for me right now as well.

 

Not placing judgment changes everything. Congrats my friend!

[ClaireAnne]

I think it is the most important to find the roots of your insecurities and to cure any of them individually. For example, I had a terrible stage fright, and I realized that it comes from my childhood's irrational insecurity about the sound of my voice. Since I work as PR, I had to overcome it, so I started practicing my pronunciation and recording my voice frequently until I wasn't completely sure that I sound just fine. Also, I was always insecure about the ways people perceive my looks, and I always blindly followed every trend and never left the house without makeup. Then I have decided that I have to learn to love myself and to give my look a pinch of comfort and individuality, so I opted for comfy Birkenstock shoes and bold red lipstick, instead of high heels and contouring to oblivion, and I actually felt better about myself than ever before.

Find the solution that works for you based on any individual insecurity, and you are good to go

[youngandhopeful]

I read something recently that I found useful, maybe you will too:

 

Basically, each night write down 3 things that you were happy with/proud of/positive about, whatever it might be. So 3 things that YOU have done, or achieved, however little, but something that was positive in the day.

 

Then each night, reread that 3, and add another 3 from that day. Do this for a month. So your list of positive attributes about yourself, or happy memories, or positive encounters gets longer and longer.

 

This may help re-affirm that there's a lot of good in your life, if you can reframe and focus on it, then that may help your self worth. Everyone has self worth! You've just got to find it within yourself x