My husband won't grow up and makes everyone miserable

[VictoriaV]

I have two children, ages 3 and 11. I had my first child when I was 19, her father said he wasn't ready to be a dad. I worked 3 jobs at a time to support me and my child. I dated many different men , always looking for the right man for me and my child. I got pregnant again with my son after living with one man off and on for two years. He had just moved us to Kansas to be near his dad. I was 1 month along when he kicked us out in the street. My mom, always the supportive one, sent my sister with a uhaul to get us. He wouldn't let us have our belongings. He had filed a "Protection from abuse" order on me. Imagine this, I am barely 5 foot tall and he stands 6 foot 6 &1/2 inches tall. That night he slept with a girl there and got her pregnant. He called the next day wanting to come home and stupid me let him. I was too stressed and scared not to.

 

I have been with my husband for almost 7 years, off and on. I can't count the times he has abandoned me and the kids, before or after we got married. I always took him back no matter what he did, because I loved him and I did not want my son to be without a father as my daughter was. The problem has always been that he has never been a dad to either one. He likes to drink and hang with his buddies, which I don't call being a husband. As a wife, I cook, clean, mow the yard, and take care of my kids and my husband. My husband would say his job was to work and bring home the money. Which he did do some of the time. He has never been with a job more than 1 year. Most don't last a couple of months. He either gets hurt, quits before he gets fired, or flat out gets fired.

 

My family has always been there for me, no matter what. They have kept me and my kids from losing my house, my car and from going without food. Of course, my husband did not think we owed them anything. Yet, when he is in trouble and his mother bails him out of jail or whatever, we must pay her back instantly.

 

Recently, my husband came home and stayed for 10 days. He said it was slow at work. He did not pay attention to the kids and as usual the only time he paid attention to me was because he wanted sex. I happened to be working the whole time he was home, because the other nurses aid was on vacation. He wouldn't get out of bed to keep the kids, so I had to pay a babysitter. He ate 90% of the food in the house, and only left the house twice, and that was to go fishing. The last day he was home, I was at my mom's and he called to say he needed a ride to work. While he was home, I had told him I wanted a divorce, I was tired of everything in our relationship. I even told him that part of me hated him. He packed his normal bag as full as he could get it. He took his best hat and boots also. This is not normal considering he works in the oilfield. On the way to take him to work, we talked and he said he wanted to work things out. I said we'd talk about it. The next day I went to pickup his paycheck only to find that he called them and told them not to let me have it.

 

My husband's mother called me yesterday and told me my husband had gone to the hospital and they think he has a kidney disease. So he is staying at her house. She says she is coming to get his stuff tomorrow. I told her she could have his necessities, but that I was going to have a garage sale and put the rest of his stuff in it, so I could buy groceriesand pay a few bills. She said the court would make me pay him for all his stuff. I don't know if this is true. The small paycheck from my parttime job is not enough to take care of things until I can get a regular paycheck.

 

Some people can't believe I have stayed with him as long as I have and always taken him back. I never believed in divorce until I married my husband. Also, he has always threatened to take my son if I divorced him. During our marriage my husband has been a drunk, a druggie, and abusive, mostly to me. I never filed a report because he always promised no to do it again.

 

My family can't afford to help me right now, although they will do everything they can as ususal. I considered the legal aid thing, but I was told they wouldn't fight for and that my husband could get everything, including my son. What can I do?

[sweetserendipity]

I'm not sure who advised you that contacting legal aid wouldn't help you (or why they told you that) but you definitely DO need to seek legal advice here and given your financial situation, legal aid is your only option. Do this ASAP. Tell him/her the whole story of your marriage - and what you've endured and why you've stayed.

 

If he's got kidney disease, it's likely from the booze and the drugs. Wonder how his liver is?

 

Are you actually legally married to him or common law all these years?

 

As for you selling his things to get the money to put food on the table, etc.........I think your Mother Inlaw is full of crap but again, this is something to ask a lawyer. But considering he withheld his paycheck from you, and he's left you in a precarious position where you have children to support and rent and bills to pay, what the hell else are you going to do?

 

Do you belong to a church? Even if you don't, many churches will help a family in a time like this - so don't be afraid to turn to one for help and support. I know it's hard to ask strangers for help but you're doing it for your children and ANYONE would understand that, believe me. you could at least visit a church and just tell them you're not sure WHO to turn to, and who do they suggest - that you're in a bad situation.......take it from there. Churches aren't just places for people to go on Sunday - they're places that help others in a time of need, as God would expect us to do.

 

Is there a Domestic Abuse Shelter / Agency in your area or nearby? You've obviously lived through years of various forms of abuse from this man - they would also be a wonderful resource for you, too............they deal with all kinds of women from every walk of life, who are in situations like this, believe me. And if you feel that you and your children are in any danger now, that you've kicked him out, that's all the more reason to contact them - they can often help to provide emergency shelter for a woman and her children.

 

Here is the website for the National Domestic Violence Website. There's a toll free hotline you can call to get some support and perhaps a referral to a local shelter / support agency in your area. You do NOT have to be going through abuse at the time you call.........you've gone through years of abuse and you're still being manipulated - you've been threatened by him that if you left, he'd take custody of your son - that's ongoing abuse. Here's their toll-free number:

 

1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

 

http://www.ndvh.org/

 

Here's a page from their website that helps you locate a shelter / agency in your area:

 

http://www.ndvh.org/help/help_in_area.html

 

The people who volunteer and work for such places, they've all been in your shoes to some degree or another - and they are an invaluable resource when you don't know where to turn or what to do - trust me.

[VictoriaV]

You're probably right about the booze or the drugs causing his kidney problems. As far as his liver, I would hate to see it.

 

Yes we are legally married. I married him not only because I loved him, but I was stupid enough to think that he would grow up and that it wouldn't be so easy for him to leave us. You see, my husbands stepdad was a pentecostal preacher and they don't believe in divorce.

 

As far as the church goes, I was attending church with my mother-n-law, but no longer feel comfortable going there with her telling everyone all sorts of stuff.

 

I appreciate the links you left for me and am going to check them out. Thanks

[loony]

Please, get a divorce, just reading your post made me sad...

[SoleMate]

Victoria, you need competent legal advice ASAP!!!! You do have entitlement to Legal Aid, or you can go to a private lawyer for a free consultation. The lawyer will help you get money from your husband to pay the legal fees. Your H has the legal obligation to support you and your child. The garage sale idea is a little iffy, but I am sure a lawyer can clarify it for you. Texas is a community property state, so basically everything acquired during marriage is jointly owned. (See http://www.dallasrelo.com/commproperty.html) That includes his truck, his guns, his fishing tackle, and all his expensive toys.

 

It is almost UNTHINKABLE that a judge would take a child away from its primary caregiver (you) and award custody to an incompetent parent. That rarely happens. AND I doubt if your H wants the kids anyhow.

 

I am not 100% positive that divorce is essential. You may want to Google for "marriage builders" and read it, to see if there is a glimmer of hope. However, I must say, of all the people getting divorced, you have more reason than 99% of them. Like you, I don't believe that divorce should ever be anything but a last resort when children are involved. I believe one should do one's utmost to prevent it. It's possible you already have.

 

Please let me know what county you live in so I can research legal services for you. And God bless. Please always do your best to ask for help, there are lots of people who are very happy to help if only they know your need.

[SoleMate]

Legal Aid in Texas:

 

What is Legal Aid?

Legal Aid gives legal advice to low-income people. Legal Aid offices also represent low-income people in court. All of these services are completely free

 

At some Legal Aid offices, there are lawyers who know a lot about housing issues. Other Legal Aid offices focus more on family law. The best approach is just to call up your local Legal Aid office and see what happens.

 

There are also a number of other programs that provide legal services for free to low-income people. To get a list of all the programs in your area, try getting in touch with Texas Lawyers Care at (800) 204 -2222 ext. 2155.

 

To find a Legal Aid office anywhere in Texas, simply enter the name of a city in the box below....

Go here to find a location in your city:

http://www.texashousing.org/txlihis/siterebuild/agencies/legalaid.lasso

[VictoriaV]

My husband has a lawyer and he says he has already talked to his lawyer. His lawer supposedly told him I couldn't make him pay for the divorce.

 

As far as why I worry about the judge giving him custody of my son. The weekend before my son was born, my husband left as usual took his paycheck and went partying. That Sunday, he called and came home. Yes I took him back. I was depressed, stressed and scared to death. Needless to say I was depressed after my sons birth, and still have bad days. My doctor put me on Celexa when my son was about 3 months old. The pills put me in la la land. I 'm not sure how, but I still managed to take care of my children. Sometimes I would forget what I was doing. When my son was 9 months old, I was giving him a bath and stepped out of the room for about one minute before I realized he was still in the tub. His tub seat had tipped over and he had stopped breathing. Thank god my mothering instincts clicked back in. I pulled him out and did cpr. It was the worst thing in the world. My husband didn't get to the hospital until we were being transferred to another hospital. He was supposed to follow the ambulance, but he was to busy talking to everyone. He finally got to the other hospital and we had been there for hours. He left shortly after to get us something to eat and did not return until almost midnight. Needless to say he was drunk.

 

The doctors and the nurses reassured me that these things happen. They said his pulse never stopped, that he had probably just stopped breathing when I got him out.

 

I quit taking my pills that day and have never taken them again. My husband still blames me for everything. Yes it was my fault for leaving my sons side. Even if my pills messed up my world. That day will always haunt me. There are days when I walk in the bathroom and see his little body floating in the water. For those who say there are other pills on the market, including my doctor, I say there isn't one worth my sons life.

 

Relevence of these events is that my husband plans to use this to prove me an unfit mother and take my son. No he doesn't really want him, but he would do it to hurt me.

 

I live in Texas, is that enough information, or do you need the county? I really and truly appreciate your reply. I can't talk to many people about this and it feels really great to get these things off my chest.

[VictoriaV]

I just got your reply after I replied. Thanks so much for this information. I will definately be calling legal aid tomorrow morning. THanks again.