Author Shehulk Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 26day post break up, 9 day NC today (i broke it 9 days ago after 9day so in the past 26 days we only spoke 5 times). I know i shouldnt have done that but i 'stalked' my ex, i logged in on is pokemon go account and it looks like he didnt slept home last night, plus he followed on instagram a girl that he added on fb a couples days ago.. im almost sure he is dating someone else.... im BROKEN, i dont know what to do.... I know that we broke up and he can do what ever he wants but it really breaks my heart because i still had the hopes that he would come back with NC.... how do i cope ? how do i stop crying ? how can i move on ? i feel like everytime I breathe im getting stabbed in the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I know i shouldnt have done that but i 'stalked' my ex, i logged in on is pokemon go account . Stop doing that. You are tearing off the Bandaid and opening up the wound again every time you do that. Stop it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpha_Male Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Stay no contact. And every time u started to think/remind of him, change the focus into the negative part instead of good/positive part. That's what i'm currently doing right now. 8 days NC now. Sometime i feel like, I wanna go stalk her facebook, but I know, if i'm doing that, and suddenly seeing her with new relationship/guy, i'll be dammed!! so better i live in "wonder" and less pain of craving for not to stalk her since 8 days of NC, I have no idea where she was, what she's doing and soon on. Anything latest about her. i feel less pain though Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I don't want to get your hopes up, but he may still come back. However, he will need to know that he wants to come back and that no one else is appropriate for him. So, dating others will either confirm the breakup in his mind as a good thing or show him that he needs you. Having said that, he broke it with you and is moving on. Prepare for this to be the new reality. Quit "stalking" him and begin enjoying the company of others. Get your mind off him and maybe even date. Time will heal the pain, but it will be a long road. Focusing on him will make it even harder and longer. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 it really breaks my heart because i still had the hopes that he would come back with NC.... . OK, let's talk about NC and The 180 and stuff like that for a moment. NC is not to get him back or to get him to come back etc. NC is to help YOU heal and to allow yourself to move on. Every time you contact him, log into his stuff, you are simply tearing off the Bandaid before the wound is healed and you are opening it up again and putting yourself back to Square-One. NC is for YOU. It has nothing to do with him. NC and The 180 are mechanisms for you to heal and keep you from getting pulled back in and used and manipulated and ultimately it is to help you recover and move on. NC is pill that you need to swallow and take every day in order for you to heal and recover and get back to health. I have read your prior posts and you are taking this very hard and this has been a huge blow to you. For you, NC/180 is going to be more like Chemotherapy. You're gonna be sick and puke and feel like hell and your hair is gonna fall out and you are going to be more susceptible to infections and other ailments for awhile, but it's what you have to do to get the cancer out of your system and what you need to get over this illness and back on your feet. You're gonna hurt and greave for awhile, but you will survive this. You will experience happiness and joy again. You will have fun and productive life and you will experience love and romance and intimacy again. I'm 53 years old and have been exactly where you are a number of times over the years and I assure you, it is very survivable and is even an important life process that everyone needs to go through and come out the other side at least once. It's hard and it's painful, but NC/180 is the key medicine that you need to get through this and bounce back. Some you will be the one coaching someone else through it and helping them realize that they will get through it and come out of it tougher and wiser and more mature and developed as person. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 26day post break up, 9 day NC today (i broke it 9 days ago after 9day so in the past 26 days we only spoke 5 times). I know i shouldnt have done that but i 'stalked' my ex, i logged in on is pokemon go account and it looks like he didnt slept home last night, plus he followed on instagram a girl that he added on fb a couples days ago.. im almost sure he is dating someone else.... im BROKEN, i dont know what to do.... I know that we broke up and he can do what ever he wants but it really breaks my heart because i still had the hopes that he would come back with NC.... how do i cope ? how do i stop crying ? how can i move on ? i feel like everytime I breathe im getting stabbed in the heart. I know this hurts like hell. I was there just a year ago, but NC is essential, and that includes not stalking. Look, I did it yesterday after a year of no contact. It was by pure chance that I found out my ex was on Instagram, but I thought I was totally over her, so I looked at her pictures and discovered that I wasn't and it took a few hours before the knot in my stomach disappeared. Every time you check his social media, you'll go back to square one, particularly since the breakup is so recent. I felt a certain amount of anxiety and I haven't spoken to her or seen her in a year. Imagine what stalking will do to you. You probably feel a lot of anxiety not knowing from him too, but it will wane as days and weeks go by. There's only so much anxiety your body can tolerate. But every time you investigate or reach out, your healing, however little it is at first, will go down the drain. Your recovery is closer every day, but you need to push yourself a little in that direction, and NC is essential to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 #1. how do i cope ? #2.how do i stop crying ? #3.how can i move on ? #4.i feel like everytime I breathe im getting stabbed in the heart. #1. This has hit you very hard. In addition to the standard things like going out with friends, getting back into hobbies, hitting the gym and burning off steam, eating right, staying hydrated, getting sleep etc etc, I would also recommend getting some actual grief counseling. You mentioned death in one of your other posts. This is a death in a way. It is a death of dream you had and the death of a lifestyle that you had grown accostummed to. Your body and your psyche will react to this like it would any other major grief that you may encounter in life. Some professional grief counseling will help you understand some of the things grief does to us and it will help get you on the right track of dealing with it in healthy and productive ways vs unhealthy ways (ie stalking ex, breaking NC, drugs/alcohol, hooking up with random dudes etc etc) #2. Nothing wrong with crying at this point. Crying is a good healthy emotional puke to get those bad things out of your soul every now and then. The grief counseling can help you channel some of those things so you aren't breaking down and crying at inopportune times and places, but in general crying is a healthy thing at certain stages. #3. You move on by moving on. Moving on is a verb and it is an action. It is not an emotion or a state of being. Moving on means actually getting out and physically doing something. Get out and meet up with friends and do something fun like an activity vs sitting around wallowing in your despair. Go to the gym and beat the living daylights out of a punching bag or hit the weights and work off that anger and steam. Get back into a hobby or activity that you enjoy. Do any healthy physical activity that gets your body moving and your mind off your pain - even if just for a short time and a little bit. Every little bit helps. #4. That will crescendo and then it will start getting less and less, bit by bit, every day with a few relapses here and there. It's kinda like breaking your arm. The peak of the pain is actually a few days after the injury. then it starts getting a little bit less and less. Then there will be some good days and some bad days, but the bad days will start getting less and less and the good days will start getting more and more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shehulk Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) i feel dead inside... 9 days ago i got super mad about him 'not cairing' and he told me that he fact that he was answering my calls was his way of showing that he cares.... HOW CAN HE BE SEEING SOMEONE ELSE ?????? he didnt told he was and no one told me but his pokemon go account looks like he didnt slept at home last night and he started following a girl on instagram that he added on fb this weekend... i just wanna call him and ask him but i know its not a good idea...... i feel dead inside and its making me SICK. **** i dont deserve that much pain Edited February 23, 2017 by Shehulk Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 i dont deserve that much pain No. You. Don't. That's why you should not contact him or get into his accounts and you should just go do something else. ....anything else. (anything that doesn't harm you, harm any other people or animals or land you in jail of course) Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (anything that doesn't harm you, harm any other people or animals or land you in jail of course) Look at it this way - Lets say Nicholas Sparks makes a movie about this or the Lifetime Network makes a true-story movie about this. Do you want the movie to portray you as some outta control, crazy stalker that boils bunnys and is the crazed crackpot? Or do you want the movie to be about the brave heroine who is delt the crappy hand but rises up with dignity and class and everyone cheers at the happy ending when she comes out on top with class and style? You are the starring role in your own story right now, which means you get to determine how you are portrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 26day post break up, 9 day NC today (i broke it 9 days ago after 9day so in the past 26 days we only spoke 5 times). I know i shouldnt have done that but i 'stalked' my ex, i logged in on is pokemon go account and it looks like he didnt slept home last night, plus he followed on instagram a girl that he added on fb a couples days ago.. im almost sure he is dating someone else.... im BROKEN, i dont know what to do.... I know that we broke up and he can do what ever he wants but it really breaks my heart because i still had the hopes that he would come back with NC.... how do i cope ? how do i stop crying ? how can i move on ? i feel like everytime I breathe im getting stabbed in the heart. i still had the hopes that he would come back with NC -- NC is not a tool for getting someone back or even hoping for that. It is a tool for you to move on without being triggered by contact from/to them. It's so you can heal. You don't go into NC with HOPE for getting them back, you go into NC with an eye toward and being resolved to moving forward in your life and not looking back. Get really busy with your life. Do nice things for yourself. Spruce up your place -- buy new curtains and throw pillows, put flowers on the table, buy yourself something you've always wanted, do something you've always wanted to do but kept pushing aside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shehulk Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 No. You. Don't. That's why you should not contact him or get into his accounts and you should just go do something else. ....anything else. (anything that doesn't harm you, harm any other people or animals or land you in jail of course) Im trying to change my mind but im ALWAYS thinking about him... even when im with friends i feel extremely lonely because i know that when i get back home he wont be there, i go to school (getting my degree in may) and everytime something happens i just wanna tell him..... its like i cant get him out of my head Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 i feel dead inside... 9 days ago i got super mad about him 'not cairing' and he told me that he fact that he was answering my calls was his way of showing that he cares.... HOW CAN HE BE SEEING SOMEONE ELSE ?????? he didnt told he was and no one told me but his pokemon go account looks like he didnt slept at home last night and he started following a girl on instagram that he added on fb this weekend... i just wanna call him and ask him but i know its not a good idea...... i feel dead inside and its making me SICK. **** i dont deserve that much pain Shehulk, people say many things during and after breakups that are not necessarily true. They just try to soften the blow out of guilt or compassion. Also, by stalking you're activating the "paranoia mode" and every time you see a like on FB you'll think "she's the one". I know that doing nothing is even harder than acting on your feelings right now, but that's exactly what you need to do: nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Im trying to change my mind but im ALWAYS thinking about him... even when im with friends i feel extremely lonely because i know that when i get back home he wont be there, i go to school (getting my degree in may) and everytime something happens i just wanna tell him..... its like i cant get him out of my head This is the pain of breaking up with someone you love. You will be in pain for a while and then heal if you continue NC. There's no way around it. You just have to keep pushing forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shehulk Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 I already know the answer but just wanna make sure; breaking NC asking him if he is dating would be a huge mistake right ? its just so painfull i wanna know but i dont wanna know at the same time... it was a bit easier when i taught he was missing me as well Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I already know the answer but just wanna make sure; breaking NC asking him if he is dating would be a huge mistake right ? its just so painfull i wanna know but i dont wanna know at the same time... it was a bit easier when i taught he was missing me as well HUGE mistake . . . don't do it! Call a friend, call your Mom, your sister. Call and make a hair and nail appointment, make an appointment to have something on your car fixed -- anything but call or text him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Yes it is a mistake and he can do what he wants because you two are broken up. You don't need to confirm anything that is going on with him. You have to make up your mind it is over and do everything you can to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Whether he's dating or not, that doesn't change anything and won't erase your feelings for him. You'll be deeply hurt and full of doubt whatever he says. Please, don't do it Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I already know the answer but just wanna make sure; breaking NC asking him if he is dating would be a huge mistake right ? its just so painfull i wanna know but i dont wanna know at the same time... it was a bit easier when i taught he was missing me as well That quite frankly is the biggest mistake you could possibly make right now. Not only would it tear you up, but it will tell him that you are still hanging on waiting for him to come back. Trust all of us; that is not where you want to be or what you want to be doing when Jesus comes back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shehulk Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 I wont be calling him. I just wish i wasnt in so much pain, i did an exam this morning and felt like crying the whole time, i have another one in 45 mins. barely studied because i cant concentrate and now i dont even wanna write them, whats the point ? i feel like he left with everything i had. He was the one motivation me with school, i knew if i had good grades i would be able to get in the Masters and have an awesome career for our family, now i dont see the freaking point. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Im trying to change my mind but im ALWAYS thinking about him... even when im with friends i feel extremely lonely because i know that when i get back home he wont be there, i go to school (getting my degree in may) and everytime something happens i just wanna tell him..... its like i cant get him out of my head realize that a lot of this is simply habit. You had an established habit of being with him and talking to him and having him around. Now you have a change of venue and a good chunk of this is just the change of having a habit involuntarily broken for you. This is going to be a matter of establishing new habits and new processes during the course of your day. In the upcoming days and weeks you'll start doing other things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 i feel like he left with everything i had. He was the one motivation me with school, i knew if i had good grades i would be able to get in the Masters and have an awesome career for our family, now i dont see the freaking point. So there are no more men in this world as he was the last one? C'mon, get real. Get your Masters, have that awesome career for yourself. You are going to meet so many men in your future that one day all of this will be just a distant memory. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I wont be calling him. I just wish i wasnt in so much pain, i did an exam this morning and felt like crying the whole time, i have another one in 45 mins. barely studied because i cant concentrate and now i dont even wanna write them, whats the point ? i feel like he left with everything i had. He was the one motivation me with school, i knew if i had good grades i would be able to get in the Masters and have an awesome career for our family, now i dont see the freaking point. OK this is where you need to snap out of it and get a life. This is where the professional help may come in handy. This is where if I was that obnoxious but loving uncle I was talking about, I would swat you across the face with wet dishtowel. NO MAN and NO OTHER PERSON gives you the reason for doing what you want to do and no other person is responsible for your well being and your happiness and your zest for life. All of those things come from within yourself. Get over it. Do not give him or anyone else the power. That power is inside you. Yes, this hurts. Yes you are gonna shed some tears on your pillow at night for a few nights. But then get your butt up, get in the shower, get some breakfast and study for your tests and get your school work done and leave the pity party for yourself when the work is done. This will heal. This will pass. The sun will come out and shine again and the flowers will bloom again and the butterflies will flutter about again. Don't let this unemployed guy that just walked away from you have this much power over you. Take back your own life and live your life to the fullest for YOU. Live a great life every day and if he doesn't want to be a part of it, that is his prerogative and his choice and his loss. Never make your life about someone else. Ever. (consider yourself, dishtowel slapped. now get back to class and kick azz on the test and don't let me hear you bellyaching about that again) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shehulk Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 i dont know why it does this..... i was ok ish last night, i know that theres nothing i can do.... but this morning i feel like ****... everytime i close my eyes i see the face of the girl i think he's seeing, and I really wanna call him... sooooo painfulll how do i stop that ? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 everytime i close my eyes i see the face of the girl i think he's seeing, and I really wanna call him... sooooo painfulll how do i stop that ? By doing something else. Don't sit around moping and thinking about it. Do things. Doesn't really matter what as long as it is an activity and as long as it's taking your mind off of him and won't land you in jail. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts